Please can I have some relationship advice

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  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
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    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"
    Well, it is a part of the OP.

    Since the OP, we have learned that he was previously diagnosed with low T and also hates his job.
  • NoeHead
    NoeHead Posts: 516 Member
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    marriage is a loving bond and partnership, not a burden. my two cents. and no sex? i made it clear to my man i don't care if we're old and using walkers, we'll use those props. SEX, one of the best bonuses of a marriage! helps you sleep and clears headaches.
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
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    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"
    Well, it is a part of the OP.

    unfortunately. I probably should have left out the "turning into" part.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    Is this a recent change? Is he going through some kind of depression?

    The OP didn't include in her post that he has low T and also hates his job. Two important pieces to the puzzle.

    That is helpful to know. People go through rough stuff. Maybe he needs some help and things will improve.
  • SqueezyLemmon
    SqueezyLemmon Posts: 12
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    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"

    I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.
  • jkowula
    jkowula Posts: 447
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    Now, this is not me talking here, I am going to quote my wife. Pick your battles, if some laundry on the floor or him not cooking is close to your heart and important to you.. then make it known or deal with it before you get married. Evaluate what is important to you. Loving husband, father, great family dynamics, care and respect.... maybe that is what is important, then again, for lots of people, it's about everything being 50/50.
  • NoeHead
    NoeHead Posts: 516 Member
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    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"

    I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.

    Does he know you feel this way? He can't fix what he doesn't know/realize...
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
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    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"

    I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.

    now that more details have come out there has been some legitimately good advice. I would humbly advise to ignore the "just break up" advice without pursuing counseling and treatment of your fiance's low T first. :smile:
  • aerynholly
    aerynholly Posts: 22 Member
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    Captain Awkward wrote a great post about this that you might find helpful: http://captainawkward.com/2013/08/22/506-507-it-is-2****ing0****ing1****ing3-so-why-is-it-so-hard-to-divide-up-household-chores/
  • bacitracin
    bacitracin Posts: 921 Member
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    Get him some Adderall.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,676 Member
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    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"

    I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.
    Okay, so some of us are following you. So now you just want to know how you can help him?
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"

    I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.

    Please please please understand that you can't fix him. He is not going to change. You either need to accept his behavior as it is or move on.

    *edited to add - I didn't read the whole thread. Fine, get him to an endocrinologist and work out the testosterone issues, but do not expect this to be a magic fix for your relationship. There is still a good chance that you still won't be happy even after his sex drive returns. You will likely still be doing all the work at home.

    Looking back, I believe now that my ex-husband has Asperger's. He just isn't able to interact with people normally. I can't say that he has to have someone take care of him, but its easier for him.
  • SqueezyLemmon
    SqueezyLemmon Posts: 12
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    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"

    I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.

    now that more details have come out there has been some legitimately good advice. I would humbly advise to ignore the "just break up" advice without pursuing counseling and treatment of your fiance's low T first. :smile:

    Haha, I will. Although it has turned into a "just break up" thread, I am really pleased with the responses, I was clearly completely ignorant of the effects of low T and only related it to lack of sex, bit it's clear there's more to it. Now I've learnt a little I feel like I have something to work toward and something I can bring to the table when I talk to him. So some good has come out of it. :)
  • RobP1192
    RobP1192 Posts: 310 Member
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    Sounds like a "comfortable" or "convenience" relationship to me. Not love. But good luck.
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
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    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"

    I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.

    now that more details have come out there has been some legitimately good advice. I would humbly advise to ignore the "just break up" advice without pursuing counseling and treatment of your fiance's low T first. :smile:

    Yes.

    Step 1: Talk about your FEELINGS. Tell him how overwhelmed/upset you are in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory, non-threatening way. Ask him for help. Express your concerns about the changes you see in him. Come up with a plan to "fix" things.

    Step 2: Encourage him to go back to the doctor to get treated for his low T (and maybe find a new job).

    Step 3: If that doesn't help, counseling.

    THEN if nothing helps, maybe you should consider moving on.
  • JJordon
    JJordon Posts: 857 Member
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    Run.
  • hifi898
    hifi898 Posts: 54
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    sounds like my situation. MUCH more time in and kids to boot. Sometimes I feel like punching him in the throat when he chews...GET. OUT.

    Yup this.

    Thirded to this.

    And to whierd that said it's better to dump and run now...AMEN brutha.

    You've got 6 years in already and you've been letting this what I call "bad parenter behavior" go unchecked for the past year and a half?? If he's getting increasingly worse and making it apparent he doesn't want to be a partner back to you, GET OUT NOW before the wedding happens. Once it's done, it's a lot more expensive and heartbreaking to undo it all...

    And not to be too harsh, but you say you know he loves you. How do you know? Paying his share of bills isn't a good indicator of true love, IMO. If he's not putting forth any effort to put you first, he's just completely settled by now because 1) it's easy, 2) he knows you'll do it anyway, and 3) he knows that to find this catering from someone else will take work. Love is effort from both parties, not just one. I'd take a good, hard look at what he's doing to exhibit "love" to you. Sounds like you've got quite a few years to look back to in order to examine it.

    Good luck!
  • Inshape13
    Inshape13 Posts: 680 Member
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    Pretty much what you see is what you get(been married 11 years)....he is not going to have some major epiphany and change anytime soon probably. We did pre-marital counseling and it really helped with what to expect with each other so that we knew what each of us was willing to do and willing to change and where we were not willing to compromise. So I guess it comes down to if you want that everyday forever.
  • SqueezyLemmon
    SqueezyLemmon Posts: 12
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    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"

    I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.

    now that more details have come out there has been some legitimately good advice. I would humbly advise to ignore the "just break up" advice without pursuing counseling and treatment of your fiance's low T first. :smile:

    Yes.

    Step 1: Talk about your FEELINGS. Tell him how overwhelmed/upset you are in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory, non-threatening way. Ask him for help. Express your concerns about the changes you see in him. Come up with a plan to "fix" things.

    Step 2: Encourage him to go back to the doctor to get treated for his low T (and maybe find a new job).

    Step 3: If that doesn't help, counseling.

    THEN if nothing helps, maybe you should consider moving on.

    Thank you. I love him and I want it to work.
  • queenbea77
    queenbea77 Posts: 404 Member
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    My husband and I were together for more than 10 years, then we separated for a year, and now we've been back together for 18 months or so. This was one of the big issues for us pre-separation.

    Here's the thing:

    If you could just show up and lay on the couch and have someone do everything for you with no expectations or repercussions, wouldn't you? It's a nice life when someone else does all the hard stuff.

    What we allow tends to continue.

    Separate your money and each take care of your own finances. Separate the household chores. Don't take responsibility for his bills, his health, his laundry or his daily needs. He is an adult and should take care of his own daily needs. Make your own plans and go about your own life.

    You are in for a long, miserable, resentful existence if you continue on this way. People don't change easily, but they do change if the results of change are better than the alternative. If it were me (and it was), I would issue some ultimatums and be ready to follow through (I did), and I would take responsibility for my own behaviors (co-dependence and care-taking) that contributed to the problem.

    Fix it before you get married, or don't get married.

    I would have to agree with this post - if you don't fix these problems this will be your life. Are you willing (and able) to live like this? You sound fairly young so you are looking at what 50 years like this? You've been together for 6 years already and it is driving you crazy so a sit down heart to heart is long overdue. A counselor would be an excellent idea and tell him it is "pre-wedding counseling" so he doesn't get the idea anyone is ganging up on him. Both of you would benefit. Have you talked to the priest/minister that is going to marry you? If pre-wedding counseling isn't required then ask if you can have it and outline some of the major problems that you guys need to work on. Good luck, hard call but you are the only one who can make the decision. All we can do is tell you of our life experiences and let you decide what you are going to do.

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