Please can I have some relationship advice
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It's funny that in the other thread people are saying "marriage is just a piece of paper, long term relationships are the same" yet here, because she's not married yet, and even though they have been together 6 years, everyone is saying "run away". They've been together 6 years. This is something worth working on. Relationships take work, but they can be worth it. No, you can't force someone to change but people can and do change. In the 12 years I've been with my husband we have both changed a lot, some changes have made marriage harder, some have made it better, but we've worked with each other through all the changes. And no, I don't believe you should stay with someone and stay unhappy just "because" but don't give up without trying.
QFT x1000 -
Can you live with it? To marry him would be a conscious decision to accept things as they are. Don't expect him to change for you.
She's gonna need about 100 more people to say this, so keep 'em comin. Oh, I agree by the way.0 -
This is terrible! Its a Non Life let a lone a non relationship. The big red flag in here is the lack of sex. Maybe you're mates but thats not enough for a marriage. For two young people to not be bothered with sex is pretty bad if you ask me. He sounds so apathetic about your together he's almost dead!
Forever is going to seem like a REALLY REALLY long time living life like that, no kids, no sex no LIFE.0 -
So let says a MAN comes here and asks if he should leave his wife because she's become depressed? She's lazy and won't have sex, but it wasn't always like that. What would the response be then?0
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He’s also very un-attentive and sometimes selfish; if I didn’t organise things for us to do together, we would just sit in front of the telly in silence. I came home from work feeling really ill recently, and I asked him to cook dinner because I just couldn’t face it, and he couldn’t have made it clearer he was so unhappy doing it that I eventually gave in and cooked anyway.
On a more personal note, for a couple in their late twenties and early thirties, our sex life is non-existant.
The trouble is, I love him very much and I KNOW he loves me. I enjoy his company and we have a good laugh together. He’s very supportive of me. My parents adore him. He very respectful to me
This is the part that is troublesome for me:
You state he is inattentive and sometimes selfish. But you also say he is respectful of you. Selfish and inattentive are not respectful traits, not allowing you to be sick is also not respectful, not raising a hand to you is not being respectful of you, it's being a decent human being. No one should ever raise a hand to another person and if this is your measure of love or respect, you may need to seek counseling on your own.
You are quite possibly right. I've only had two relationships and the first was abusive - to tell you the truth, my current partner pretty much saved me from my abusive partner. I know it must sound absolutely crazy to you that I consider him not being abusive a good trait rather than a normal thing, but the fact that he has never so much as raised his voice to me is a massive thing for me. But these are my own issues that I have got MUCH better with since being with him, and I certainly don't want to drag them up now.
Okay - and more to my point. You went from one abusive relationship to another. I am sorry but from what I am reading he is letting you do all this for him. Does he think you owe him? Do you think you owe him? With no time in between relationships to think through what happened with the first one, why you stayed, what lead you to that relationship, what you need to do differently (how you see yourself, what you want from a relationship).... I could go on - things that only age taught me... again I don't know you, but I hope that you will drag it up, because believe it or not, it is not magically gone because you have immersed yourself in a another relationship. You need to work out whatever the issues are for you and you alone. Then you will know if marrying this guy will be the right thing for you.0 -
So let says a MAN comes here and asks if he should leave wife because she's become depressed? She's lazy and won't have sex, but it wasn't always like that. What would the response be then?
@busylady406 Brilliant. I agree with every concept you've posted on this thread.
Also, to everyone saying that people can't change, that it will always be the way it is now and she should "RUN":
Have you never changed or experienced emotional, intellectual, or spiritual growth in your life?
If you have, why can't someone else???
If you haven't, wake the *kitten* up and take action to become a better person.0 -
He's not going to change, so you need to decide if you can live with him as he is. No one's perfect. You may find someone more compatible with you, but you may not, too. If he's content with his laid-back self, works, pays half of the bills, does the dishes, offers you good company and a loving, safe place to dwell...maybe that's enough. The lack of passion would get to me, and it's getting to you. Can you live without passion for the rest of it, or do you need that passion in your life enough that you're willing to let this guy go?
Brilliant and very wise!0 -
So let says a MAN comes here and asks if he should leave wife because she's become depressed? She's lazy and won't have sex, but it wasn't always like that. What would the response be then?
@busylady406 Brilliant. I agree with every concept you've posted on this thread.
Also, to everyone saying that people can't change, that it will always be the way it is now and she should "RUN":
Have you never changed or experienced emotional, intellectual, or spiritual growth in your life?
If you have, why can't someone else???
If you haven't, wake the *kitten* up and take action to become a better person.
I think ladies, the trouble with this thread is that people are just reading the OP and no further.0 -
So let says a MAN comes here and asks if he should leave his wife because she's become depressed? She's lazy and won't have sex, but it wasn't always like that. What would the response be then?
He isn't being supportive enough.0 -
So let says a MAN comes here and asks if he should leave wife because she's become depressed? She's lazy and won't have sex, but it wasn't always like that. What would the response be then?
@busylady406 Brilliant. I agree with every concept you've posted on this thread.
Also, to everyone saying that people can't change, that it will always be the way it is now and she should "RUN":
Have you never changed or experienced emotional, intellectual, or spiritual growth in your life?
If you have, why can't someone else???
If you haven't, wake the *kitten* up and take action to become a better person.
I think ladies, the trouble with this thread is that people are just reading the OP and no further.
they're also just finding posts they like and quoting them, lol. notice those who are actually paying attention to later posts are all more or less saying the same thing.0 -
So let says a MAN comes here and asks if he should leave wife because she's become depressed? She's lazy and won't have sex, but it wasn't always like that. What would the response be then?
@busylady406 Brilliant. I agree with every concept you've posted on this thread.
Also, to everyone saying that people can't change, that it will always be the way it is now and she should "RUN":
Have you never changed or experienced emotional, intellectual, or spiritual growth in your life?
If you have, why can't someone else???
If you haven't, wake the *kitten* up and take action to become a better person.
I think ladies, the trouble with this thread is that people are just reading the OP and no further.
they're also just finding posts they like and quoting them, lol. notice those who are actually paying attention to later posts are all more or less saying the same thing.
6 pages of stuff.... I ain't got time for that!0 -
Never settle...
you're setteling.
that's all.0 -
It sounds more like a mother/child relationship than a boyfriend/girlfiend relationship. If you are not happy with the situation now, don't go thinking that marriage will change him, because it won't.
Hun, this is more true than you'll ever want to know. It will only get worse. I am a hard person and I would cease things I do until I get some cooperation...................or else......................go live by yourself. The sex issue one question is is he and/or you so comfortable with one another it's being ignored? And/or try getting away and disappearing for 3 days or so alone together and see what happens then.0 -
Do you want to cope with unhappiness for the rest of your life? You can, we survive through unhappiness all the time. Are you really good with that though?
I think marrying him will be something you regret if you don't see if you can work these issues out with him. If you cannot, then you need to re-evaluate promising the rest of your life to him- it's a long time!!
Good luck- please go talk to a counselor and really thresh out what you want for yourself before you tie that knot.0 -
I unfortunately have not had time to read all the answers but I did read yours and was pleased to see some new information regarding your relationship. I might only be echoing what has already been said but communicate communicate!!! I had a very nice first marriage but there was a lot of problems that I just stuffed down and only when I blew up did he know about my frustrations. We survived together through some very tough and rough times when he got sick because we loved each other so much. Do I wish I could have changed some things in our marriage - absolutely. I was 10 years younger than him and he had a very dynamic personality, I tended not to voice my displeasure with anything. After he passed away I was bound and determined to become my own person and never marry again. Well that only lasted a few years - I am now happily married to a wonderful man (6 years younger this time
). But the very first thing I did when he moved in was have a long talk with myself about communicating. From the very first I opened up about things before they were going to boil over. In our nine years together we talk all the time about EVERYTHING and I can count our arguments on one hand. We are partners totally and completely, we share everything and we both care about each others workload.
So I know you were given this advice before and I hope as a young lady you learn from our mistakes, I wish I had communicated more with my first husband as much as I loved him I was scared of him (that sounds awful) so I remained
quiet about what bothered me more often than not.
This is an equal partnership you are not his mother.
EXACTLY. READ THIS ONE A FEW TIMES.0 -
He doesn't respect you enough to help out.....bottom line if you are ok with that, then proceed as usual...otherwise you know the right answer.
/end thread0 -
He doesn't respect you enough to help out.....bottom line if you are ok with that, then proceed as usual...otherwise you know the right answer.
/did not read thread
FTFY.
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Quit trying to change him and stop acting like his mother...you accept who he is or don't.If you knew all those things in him then you choose to handle his flaws and love him anyway.I'm sure you have flaws he deals with too...Most people fall in love quickly but it takes work to build it and keep it...If you're not having sex then isn't that a red flag??Think you love him ,but it sounds more like family love but not in love...take ten steps back and date again.You can't really be happy if you feel like a dictator and am sure he is just a frustrated as you are.It won't last and the problem is not all him it takes two to make it work..0
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He doesn't respect you enough to help out.....bottom line if you are ok with that, then proceed as usual...otherwise you know the right answer.
/did not read thread
FTFY.
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You can't make a important decision like getting married with doubts in your head, which you clearly have otherwise you wouldn't have started this topic. Its not fair to him and its not fair to you. You are way way too young to settle just cos he's quite a nice guy.
but hey - give him a chance. If the relationship is in any way good it can't be too hard to sit him down and tell him how you feel - tell him you don't know if its the life you want if you never make love, never go out, always have to be responsible for everything. See what he says. Maybe he's just taking you for granted and doesn't realise what an effect this can have on you.
Oprah (I know tacky for quoting Oprah!) once said "people show you who they are". very wise. He's showing you who he is. You're not sure you really like that, at the end of the day. Tell him this. Tell him that him not doing his share shows you that he doesn't care, tell him how his actions show you how he feels about you.
You never know it might be the me wake up call he needs. If not at least you would have given him a chance and made an effort because you shouldn't toss someone you care about aside either.0 -
Can you live with it? To marry him would be a conscious decision to accept things as they are. Don't expect him to change for you.
Couldn't of said it better myself.0 -
A happy marriage is HARD work... It doesn't just happen. It takes 2 people who are EQUAL partners. From the what I read, and I could be wrong, you are his mother... You do everything and no intimacy screams MOM relationship. The fact that you are questioning this now after 6 1/2 years should be a big indication that being married to this man for the rest of your life is not really what you want to do. Your unhappy now and your trying to convince yourself that it's OK to be unhappy for the rest of your life. You will resent him terribly, if you haven't begun to do so already.
I am very happily married 12 years now. We both work full time, have 4 kids who are very active in sports. The cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the taxi'ing the kids all over the planet is a shared responsibility. I don't expect him to do certain things and he doesn't expect me to do certain things. It's a partnership.... and for the record we are both in our mid 40's and we are still intimate almost every night of the week and not because it is expected but because we crave the closeness and the love we have in our relationship. Life is soo busy we value our intimacy.
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you need to spend the rest of your life with them... there are sooo many other factors in a relationship, love plays just a small part...
I hope you find the answers you are looking for... although I think you already know the answer and you are just looking for validation.
Best of luck to you... Always remember, you need to love yourself above all...
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So let says a MAN comes here and asks if he should leave his wife because she's become depressed? She's lazy and won't have sex, but it wasn't always like that. What would the response be then?
Maybe there would a lot of men saying to get out now, while he still can. I don't know.
Either way, it sounds like this man is struggling with something. And they both need to work on it sooner, rather than later. Put it all out there on the table and figure out what is going on and what the plan is going to be. Talking about it, kindly, and expressing how you feel works. People respond when they hear how a person feels. It helps them see how this is a partnership, and each of you has feelings. You can make a commitment to work together and support each other through the tough times.0 -
My boyfriend used to do the same thing. only he didnt have a job. yes it was my fault for letting it slide but i work full time to come home to a dirty house, full of clothes and dishes and what not? No way! he is also the same way about doing his own "business" such as making phone calls and keeping his money budgeted. Finally i told him he could get his **** together or i was done. and i was really mean about it. We now live separately and very happily. He is looking for work. He is getting his licence back and taking care of his bills all by himself. the difference here, we have only been together two years. i guess its just another way of saying sometimes ya gotta snuff the ember before it becomes a flame. The only advice i can give you is to decide if its worth your whole life with this guy or if you need a change of scenery. Love does not come without pain unfortunately. Can you take the pain or are you gonna try to whip him into shape? Good Luck! Just be happy.0
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So let says a MAN comes here and asks if he should leave wife because she's become depressed? She's lazy and won't have sex, but it wasn't always like that. What would the response be then?
@busylady406 Brilliant. I agree with every concept you've posted on this thread.
Also, to everyone saying that people can't change, that it will always be the way it is now and she should "RUN":
Have you never changed or experienced emotional, intellectual, or spiritual growth in your life?
If you have, why can't someone else???
If you haven't, wake the *kitten* up and take action to become a better person.
pretty much this.
I went through a depressed state while with my current girlfriend (we've been together for 5 years) She didn't leave, helped me out of it. I'm a better person and even a little different since then, for the better, if you love the person you do what you can. Not jut throw in the towel as soon as you hit an issue.0 -
Dump him and find someone else.0
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I just don't understand why everyone always turns issues into a gender issue. Gender issues will always exist as long as everyone thinks that all victim-hood stems from a gender. It's not us against them...males against females. We are all human and all allies (the empathically able among us). I'm not trying to single anyone out here, I see it all the time in a lot of threads (I guess I am realizing this must be a pet peeve of mine).0
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I am speaking from personal experience here, my marriage was like this and got worse as it went along. We went to counseling and it worked wonders we both have our things to do in the house and help each other with everything else. Hearing it from you may not impact him because well, it's you. But having a third party weigh in in a non confrontational way may be an option for you. Most counselors do not wag their fingers or place blame they just help you to find out where your problems are and help you to fix them. Heck when we both got on the same page with help of the counselor we pretty much solved the problem ourselves.0
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I just don't understand why everyone always turns issues into a gender issue. Gender issues will always exist as long as everyone thinks that all victim-hood stems from a gender. It's not us against them...males against females. We are all human and all allies (the empathically able among us). I'm not trying to single anyone out here, I see it all the time in a lot of threads (I guess I am realizing this must be a pet peeve of mine).
I think in this case people (mainly women) are being more harsh and less sympathetic because he's male, like men aren't allowed to get depressed.0 -
I post on here quite a lot, so I’ve started a new account for a bit of anonymity.
I’ve been with my partner for 6 and a half years, and we are getting married. The wedding has been booked for about 2 years and is almost paid for. I love him to bits, but over the last 18 months, I’ve started to feel more like his mother than his partner.
He’s always been a bit lazy and I could cope with that, but he’s got a lot worse. He works, but that’s about all he does. I also work the same hours, and I do all the shopping, all the cooking, 95% of the cleaning (he washes up). He pays his share of the bills, but I am responsible for all the money, payments and our savings, and I basically have to hand him out ‘pocket money’ – now I’d like to make it clear this is through his OWN choice, as he doesn’t want to do it. If there’s a problem which involves calling someone, like the bank, or his mobile provider, I have to do it, because he ‘doesn’t like talking to people on the phone.’
He’s also very un-attentive and sometimes selfish; if I didn’t organise things for us to do together, we would just sit in front of the telly in silence. I came home from work feeling really ill recently, and I asked him to cook dinner because I just couldn’t face it, and he couldn’t have made it clearer he was so unhappy doing it that I eventually gave in and cooked anyway.
On a more personal note, for a couple in their late twenties and early thirties, our sex life is non-existant.
The trouble is, I love him very much and I KNOW he loves me. I enjoy his company and we have a good laugh together. He’s very supportive of me. My parents adore him. He very respectful to me – in 6 and a half years he’s never so much as raised his voice or sworn at me. He doesn’t come across as needy, just extremely laid-back, which I think is his problem. As long as there’s a roof over his head and dinner on the table, he doesn’t care much for anything else. He doesn’t want the hassle. But he is a genuinely lovely guy, and I cannot express this enough.
However, I am in such a limbo. Sometimes I think I can cope with this for the rest of my life, and sometimes I think I can’t. I have tried again and again to talk to him about it, given him ultimatums, even stopped doing everything I do for him, but eventually it drives me mad and I start all over again.
I know part of the problem is that I do willingly mother him, but if I don’t, the house gets messy, there are no dinners on the table, and the bills don’t get paid.
We have no children (and neither of us want any) so there’s not that to worry about. But I want to get this sorted before we get married.
If this was your relationship, what would you do? Am I to blame?
This was my marriage! It didn't end well...
SAME here. I wouldn't add the legal part of marriage to it if this is already a huge problem. Counseling and communication are recommendations. If he's not willing, then you shouldn't be willing to continue to pull most of the weight per se.0
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