Boyfriend always too skinny and doesn't try to gain weight

ldrosophila

Oh my what a disordered post. You may not see this OP, and if you do I hope you know I mean it with concerned intentions. I hope you are continuing with your therapy to help combat the vicious cycle of binge/purge/abstain.

Sometimes with disordered eating it's not about the food but it's about the control. Is it possible that you are projecting some of your insecurities with regard to food and body and that feeling you have no control onto your boyfriend?

It's easy to switch focus when it feels like not everything in our lives is under control. I hope you take some time to think and analyze where you are at in your healing.

ThePlight

Try to change yourself, not others.
They will retaliate if you try. And he has, don't think he likes to be treated like a pet. He's not your pet.. If you don't want him the way he is, get another. As long as he's healthy, I'm not sure why it should matter.
Now, if he wanted to change all by himself and he told you this, it would be your job as a good girlfriend to support him with HIS decision, but since you mentioned nothing of the sort, it doesn't sound like he's unhappy the way he is, just you with him.. So, yeah, get another and leave the poor guy alone.

butterfli7o

I can't believe this is still going.
In other news, this made me laugh out loud.

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rml_16

Yeah, you need to break up with the guy.

No, not because he can get "better." So you can get better.

I mean, come on, a guy whose wrists are smaller than yours? I'm not much for sexist stereotypes, but women want a man to be somewhat physically larger and stronger than they are (well, maybe this is the wrong place to expect that viewpoint to dominate!).

And once you dump him, I'm sure he will find someone who doesn't care at all about him not having the body of an adult male...maybe someone into infantilization.

Wow.

Took the words right out of my mouth. Except mine were followed with 'youre a ****'.

I get many women aren't attracted to smaller men. I do. And that's fine.

It was more the "maybe someone into infantilization" that really took it over the top.

Like you can't be attracted to a smaller man unless you're some kind of pedophile. SMH

winterboyrecovery

wow this is awful!!!
as everyone has said before, this is completely unfair! maybe he likes being skinny, maybe he's struggling with the beginnings of an ED, your mindset seems to be very self centered. my girlfriend is recovering from anorexia as well so she understands my predicament but if i had a girl who was trying to change how i look because of her personal preference in men, it would make me very self conscious and upset. i am only 5', a pretty tiny guy to be honest and it really sucks because i know most girls aren't into that and he sounds like a naturally skinny kind of dude and i can tell ya, hearing this kind of stuff is really ****ty. and it's never okay to shame someone for their body...i'm sorry but this post just really kinda made me angry!! boys do not have to be 'buff' just as girls do not have to be 'slim'.
my girlfriend&i support each other during meal times and whatnot but we also understand our individuality and that we cannot base our recoveries off one another. that is very unhealthy and just not ok. you saying he needs to just "be a man"...that made me very sad, i don't think you should stay with him if you are that cruel, if that is how you treat him because jeez dude no one deserves that.
i am not trying to completely bash on you because as you said, you've struggled with ED and i know one of the monsters of ED is comparison. but please...take a step back and evaluate what you really want....don't hurt others because you are hurting

MinimalistShoeAddict

And it bothers me a lot because I can't stand the fact that my boyfriend is skinnier than I am. I need him to really help me mentally get out of this previous bulimia/anorexic mindset and eat more. If I see him eat more, then I will feel okay eating more instead of feeling the need to punish myself. He needs to be a man!

You need to deal with your own issues. You are not being fair to him. He sounds perfectly happy at his current weight and you should not be forcing him to bulk up if he is not ready to do so.

HollisGrant

Hi! This is actually my first time posting on the boards, although I've been a MFP user for many years now.

I used to be really skinny back in undergrad (borderline anorexic), but now I am a pretty healthy weight since I started to eat more and not exercise so much. I still am restrictive on what I eat, and I am trying to tell myself that it's okay when I feel I ate a little too much. I suffered a bit from bulimia the past year, but now I'm trying to change my mindset to say its okay to gain a little fat here and there because it looks good on me.

One thing I struggle with is comparing myself with others, especially my skinny boyfriend. He is about 5'5" and only 115 lbs. He has varied very little around 115 lbs ever since high school. He tells me that no matter what he did in high school, he never got any heavier. He said he played some basketball and sometimes went to the gym with the guys. I look at his wrists and arms and notice that they are about as skinny as mine. His wrists are a little thinner than mine.

I really want him to eat more and work out so he can bulk up. I mean, what girlfriend doesn't what a kinda buff boyfriend? But he never really listens. I tell him to eat breakfast, to snack throughout the day, to eat nut butters, cheese, more protein. But he is soo resistant. He'll nod or sit there like he's actually listening, and maybe he'll do it cause I put the food in front of him, but when I leave him on his own, he ends up eating a small lunch at like 2, then eating the dinner I make him later in the evening. And today, I asked him if he only ate a cup'a'noodle for lunch, and he lied and told me he also ate a bagel, which I totally saw uneaten in the fridge. Lies!

I hate being like a mom for him, but I feel like if I don't shove food in front of his face, or buy certain foods for him or make big meals, he wouldn't eat a lot. It nags me so bad because I am the girlfriend, not his caretaker or his momma.

No matter what I say, he doesn't listen. Help!? How do I really make him get his butt off his computer games and cellphone games that he plays nearly 24/7 and do what I ask for his own health!?

And it bothers me a lot because I can't stand the fact that my boyfriend is skinnier than I am. I need him to really help me mentally get out of this previous bulimia/anorexic mindset and eat more. If I see him eat more, then I will feel okay eating more instead of feeling the need to punish myself. He needs to be a man!

This sounds like a mental health problem. It's called a boundary issue. Your boyfriend is not you. He isn't an extension of you or your possession. There's a boundary between the two of you that you need to see and respect. We get into problems with our friends and families when we get too close and take them as part of us instead of as separate people who have the right to make their own choices. How would you feel if someone was watching everything you ate and commenting on it? You wouldn't like it at all. Leave him alone. Talk to a counselor if you feel too stressed out.

JaxDemon

OP sounds like a right catch lol.

SherryTeach

You have some bargaining tools at your disposal .... unless he actually prefers computer games, that is.

Sex should never be used as a weapon.

Sabine_Stroehm

Didn't read past the first page but:

The title should be: boyfriend weighs less than I do and it bothers me, what should I do to handle these feelings.

Leave him be. Work on yourself.

webbeyes

Odd that I never saw this topic until now.

For most of my adult life (at least from the time I was 17), I've hovered around 145lbs. I'm 5'8" so it's on the low end of BMI.

I have thin wrists and "fine features". I jokingly say that I'm "not genetically predisposed to hulking muscles"

When I played soccer or did a lot of biking, my thighs and calves increased, but my overall weight remained the same.

I could eat 2 Big Macs, large Fries, another cheeseburger, go to bed, and wake up at exactly 145lbs again. As I got older, that really didn't change too much.

Over my life I've dated girls taller than me, shorter than me, lighter than me and heavier than me ... and various combinations thereof. Both of us made the choice to date each other, consciously knowing what each other's stature was (yup...they've ranged from 5'2 to 6'2!)

My wife is about an inch shorter than I am, and lighter than me (no, I'm not dumb enough to specify her weight LOL).

She jokingly says that if I ever get huge and fat, she's out of here.

Then again ... maybe not so jokingly. After all, if I intentionally let myself go, I'm showing I don't respect myself...and I don't respect the image that her and I put forward as a couple (no ... it doesn't show that I don't respect *her*). Intentionally getting huge is "changing the deal" that the two of us consciously (but not necessarily verbally) agreed to when we got started together.

Not every woman wants their man (or woman, for that matter) to be "buff" or to be "heavier than them". You consciously chose him the way he is, it sounds like. Now you want him to change, and that's not something he a) needs to do for health reasons, or b) desires to do at this point in time. You *asking* him to change is actually your hope in changing the conscious/unspoken agreements you came to when you chose each other.

So, he says "no" that he has no desire to change himself at this point in time (which may or may not change in the future). You have to choices: a) accept it, as per your original acceptance of him, or b) decide that you *insist* that he change, and it's significant enough of a deal for you that you're going to end the relationship.

Here's a couple of final thoughts:
* Let's say you convince him to change. Fast-forward to 10, 15, 20 or more years from now. You've spent years screwing up his eating patterns and metabolism...and suddenly he's got bulges where you don't want them - bulges and flab that he would not have had if he had remained in his previous state of fitness. Are you going to be back here saying "boyfriend is now too fat and doesn't try to lose weight"?

* I have personally added 8lbs of muscle in the last few months - by my own choice, at the age of 45. My wife has not even noticed. So, if you want him to "bulk up", a) will you even notice if he does, and b) what's your stopping point for him? (note: I said "your stopping point" because obviously you're not leaving it up to him, are you... it's all about *you*)

nikilis

CharChary

I read all of this and all I've seen is that you think your boyfriend should change? Who in the world would want to change the person they love?

_NAUTILUS_

Have you tried having a kid and nag him for not using coasters on the coffee table? Seems to work for some people.

ndj1979

finda new boyfriend who is bulked up....

Myhaloslipped

You have some bargaining tools at your disposal .... unless he actually prefers computer games, that is.

Sex should never be used as a weapon.