Boyfriend always too skinny and doesn't try to gain weight

MinimalistShoeAddict

If you can't accept him for the way he is then you are not meant to be together.

His weight is perfectly healthy (according to BMI charts) and you should not be forcing him to "bulk up" against his will.

WestCoastWild

Warning: tough love ahead.

This has nothing to do with him being a man. It has to be HIS choice to change his lifestyle, not yours.

If you can't handle him being skinnier than you (your issue, not his) then you need to have that conversation honestly with him. When all is said and done you either love him for who he is - or you don't. The rest is just petty detail.

^^ this

nikilis

get him to smoke some weed, lol.

pfff, light weights. put heroin in his food, so he's even more sedentary, and then he will have to keep eating your "brownie" to stave off the withdrawl.

problem solved... and larger problem created!

Ah recreational heroin use! Wait..that's not a thing. >_<

you can keep it to the weekends. you can! hahaha.

Nimnyn

His weight is not your business. If he's okay with the way he looks, then that's fine. If he decides that he wants your help, he'll ask for it. Until that time, cook healthy stuff and invite him to get out and exercise with you.

padams2359

OMG! If the tables were turned, and he was bigger, and she was thin, would people be staying she may have out grown him, or better yet, he was the thin one and was on here complaining about her. People would be looking to string him up from the nearest tree. Has anybody bothered to plug the numbers into a BMI calculator? He falls in the NORMAL range. Is it because he naturally has something that we all had to work hard to attain, or in the process of trying to get there? Would people be saying he needed to slip cocaine in her food to keep her from eating?

Can anyone say Double Standard? Is this so much different from, older guy + younger girl = criminal, but younger guy + older woman = he will have fun and learn a few things?

cafeaulait7

I'm going to try to be the anti-pile-on, because why not? I do agree with most of the people in the thread, but there are a couple of things:

-- It is irritating when someone only eats a Ramen Noodle pack for lunch. That bugs me. It's not healthy at all. It's usually not my business what someone eats, but that sort of stuff is harder with someone you love. I would be encouraging them to eat something better if they could at all; I admit it.

-- I bet you two got together when you were both skinny, right? So y'all did your thing and it didn't involve much eating, apparently. Now that you are on a new kick (and it's a good one! Muscle does look great, so don't worry about the lbs) you want him on that same plan, to be excited about it and see how great it is! Yeah, I was young and living with someone before and I know how that goes. You are still learning boundaries that way.

My dude never did fall in love with gardening (my thing). He wanted to go live on a boat (no earth). We're not together anymore

littleburgy

There's a running joke that my husband has small hands. I have big beefy amazon woman hands. Not much that can be done about that. Our wedding ring sizes are the same. :laugh:

But in all seriousness, OP, please get help. Your body and esteem issues are still clearly having their way with you. Best of luck to you and your boyfriend.

amy1612

-- It is irritating when someone only eats a Ramen Noodle pack for lunch. That bugs me. It's not healthy at all. It's not EVER my business what someone eats,

Fixed that for you

Seriously though, OP. Its YOUR job to seek help for your ED and YOUR job to build up your confidence, strength and health. No-one can do it for you, no-one can 'make you feel better' about eating more, that needs to be an intrinsic action that comes from you. It sounds like you still have a lot of work today, and putting your issues onto your partner isnt fair. Start to heal yourself first, I recommend www.gokaleo.com as a starting point.

Sonj1973

Warning: tough love ahead.

This has nothing to do with him being a man. It has to be HIS choice to change his lifestyle, not yours.

If you can't handle him being skinnier than you (your issue, not his) then you need to have that conversation honestly with him. When all is said and done you either love him for who he is - or you don't. The rest is just petty detail.

Definitely this!! If you've struggled with food and been suffering throughout your life, then you more so than others should realise that force feeding doesn't work!! Is this really about him?? Or is this about you!! Your already know the answer!! Thing is something must have attracted to you to him in the first place, If he doesn't do it for you tell him, don't slate the poor guy to a load of strangers.....Do the right thing!!

madpaddyjack

No matter what I say, he doesn't listen. Help!? How do I really make him get his butt off his computer games and cellphone games that he plays nearly 24/7 and do what I ask for his own health!?

I'm putting this as delicately as possible given my initial reaction to reading your post:

Your boyfriend doesn't need to start being a man, you need to stop being a *****.

Seriously. I don't believe for one second that you're worried about his health; you just want a buff manly man to make you feel better about yourself and your life decisions. It's not his job to gain weight to help you distance yourself from your eating disorder. If he's supportive of you and YOUR weight loss goals, he's doing what he's supposed to do. Either break up with him or stop using him as a crutch and start seeing a shrink.

emilyisbonkers

Hi! This is actually my first time posting on the boards, although I've been a MFP user for many years now.

I used to be really skinny back in undergrad (borderline anorexic), but now I am a pretty healthy weight since I started to eat more and not exercise so much. I still am restrictive on what I eat, and I am trying to tell myself that it's okay when I feel I ate a little too much. I suffered a bit from bulimia the past year, but now I'm trying to change my mindset to say its okay to gain a little fat here and there because it looks good on me.

One thing I struggle with is comparing myself with others, especially my skinny boyfriend. He is about 5'5" and only 115 lbs. He has varied very little around 115 lbs ever since high school. He tells me that no matter what he did in high school, he never got any heavier. He said he played some basketball and sometimes went to the gym with the guys. I look at his wrists and arms and notice that they are about as skinny as mine. His wrists are a little thinner than mine.

I really want him to eat more and work out so he can bulk up. I mean, what girlfriend doesn't what a kinda buff boyfriend? But he never really listens. I tell him to eat breakfast, to snack throughout the day, to eat nut butters, cheese, more protein. But he is soo resistant. He'll nod or sit there like he's actually listening, and maybe he'll do it cause I put the food in front of him, but when I leave him on his own, he ends up eating a small lunch at like 2, then eating the dinner I make him later in the evening. And today, I asked him if he only ate a cup'a'noodle for lunch, and he lied and told me he also ate a bagel, which I totally saw uneaten in the fridge. Lies!

I hate being like a mom for him, but I feel like if I don't shove food in front of his face, or buy certain foods for him or make big meals, he wouldn't eat a lot. It nags me so bad because I am the girlfriend, not his caretaker or his momma.

No matter what I say, he doesn't listen. Help!? How do I really make him get his butt off his computer games and cellphone games that he plays nearly 24/7 and do what I ask for his own health!?

And it bothers me a lot because I can't stand the fact that my boyfriend is skinnier than I am. I need him to really help me mentally get out of this previous bulimia/anorexic mindset and eat more. If I see him eat more, then I will feel okay eating more instead of feeling the need to punish myself. He needs to be a man!

stop being a little ***** and leave him alone.. don't like his body type, why get with him? Don't punish him because of your own issues.. not like his health is in danger

Bankman1989

I AM ASSUMING HE WAS SKINNY WHEN YOU MET HIM!! What a selfish act! if he is unhealthy and you were doing it because the doctor told him to gain weight OKAY but it seems as if you are looking for "more meat on them bones". Solution. Date a bigger dude! #geniusatworkherepeople!

MissKitty9

Everyone covered it but yeah, this is ALL your issue, & you need to keep getting help for what seems to be lingering insecurity stemming from your past anorexic/bulimic tendencies. It's not your boyfriend's job to completely alter his body in order to make YOU feel better... :frown:

burlingtongrl

Wow! I have never posted a negative comment, but I can't help myself in your case. You really are a terrible girlfriend. Get yourself together and leave the poor guy alone.

shred_me_up

I'm sorry, but you're being quite selfish. You can't force anyone to change their habits just because you feel self conscious, what you need is to fix your OWN mindset! If it bothers you that much, then you could break up, but do you realize that this means food is controlling your whole life?

Honestly, maybe take a break with him so you can work on YOU , on getting your mindset to a healthier one and on gaining enough confidence to stop comparing yourself to others.

good luck

gelendestrasse

In HS I was 5'9" and weighted 130#. I was also swimming at least 5 miles a day (varsity team) and would eat a whole large pizza myself. I never gained weight until I was in my 20s. It was all downhill (or upweight?) once I got married....

I'm not sure your BF has a problem. Unless a physician said he does have a problem I think you ought to just accept him as he is or let him go be happy with somebody else.

TheSink

I'm not sure we needed 8 pages to say "you sound like a real b!tch", but such is life, I guess. Hope everybody got it out of their systems. Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

fitmomhappymom

I'd say break up and let him find some one who can appreciate him instead of nagging him to change his appearance that he's had from day 1 of the relationship. This will also allow you to find some one who you feel better in comparison to, because obviously that is more important to you than having a supportive partner.

healthylifeforme

You need to break up. Clearly, he is not the guy for you. Otherwise you wouldn't push him to be something he is not. It is one thing to encourage someone, but you seem to have a different mindset on what you want him to be.

Fithealthyforlife

Hi! This is actually my first time posting on the boards, although I've been a MFP user for many years now.

I used to be really skinny back in undergrad (borderline anorexic), but now I am a pretty healthy weight since I started to eat more and not exercise so much. I still am restrictive on what I eat, and I am trying to tell myself that it's okay when I feel I ate a little too much. I suffered a bit from bulimia the past year, but now I'm trying to change my mindset to say its okay to gain a little fat here and there because it looks good on me.

One thing I struggle with is comparing myself with others, especially my skinny boyfriend. He is about 5'5" and only 115 lbs. He has varied very little around 115 lbs ever since high school. He tells me that no matter what he did in high school, he never got any heavier.

Women gain fat about twice as easily as men. Men gain muscle about twice as easily as women. But without proper caloric support, no one will gain any weight. It sounds like he burns a LOT of calories a day. Also, the equivalent man needs about 500 more calories than a woman the same height/weight just to maintain. It would likely take calorie counting (MFP) in order for him to gain weight. Just eyeballing won't work...people are poor at guessing, in general, how much they are eating.

He said he played some basketball and sometimes went to the gym with the guys. I look at his wrists and arms and notice that they are about as skinny as mine. His wrists are a little thinner than mine.

It is possible that his bone structure is slightly smaller than yours...or slightly larger, and just that there is less fat/muscle/connective tissue on his wrists compared to yours. In any case, wrist bones don't increase that much in size from weight training, and when they do, it's only because the person lifted VERY heavy loads or carried out intense motions consistently for many years, such as powerlifters, baseball players, or tennis players. Veteran tennis players, for example, also have slightly larger wrist bones in their racket arm compared to their other arm. A medium frame for a guy is roughly equivalent to a large frame for a woman. Frame size has nothing to do with muscle gain speed...other than a person with a larger frame will have a higher upper limit for amount of muscle they can eventually fit on their body (same with a taller person).

I really want him to eat more and work out so he can bulk up. I mean, what girlfriend doesn't what a kinda buff boyfriend? But he never really listens. I tell him to eat breakfast, to snack throughout the day, to eat nut butters, cheese, more protein. But he is soo resistant. He'll nod or sit there like he's actually listening, and maybe he'll do it cause I put the food in front of him, but when I leave him on his own, he ends up eating a small lunch at like 2, then eating the dinner I make him later in the evening. And today, I asked him if he only ate a cup'a'noodle for lunch, and he lied and told me he also ate a bagel, which I totally saw uneaten in the fridge. Lies!.

I hate being like a mom for him, but I feel like if I don't shove food in front of his face, or buy certain foods for him or make big meals, he wouldn't eat a lot. It nags me so bad because I am the girlfriend, not his caretaker or his momma.

Lying is bad. He either does not want to bulk up, period. Or, he doesn't yet see the value in it. You might get him to come around eventually, but he has to learn the value for himself with you guiding him. He can't be forced. Maybe if you gain some muscle first, he will see the value and eventually do likewise.

No matter what I say, he doesn't listen. Help!? How do I really make him get his butt off his computer games and cellphone games that he plays nearly 24/7 and do what I ask for his own health!?

And it bothers me a lot because I can't stand the fact that my boyfriend is skinnier than I am. I need him to really help me mentally get out of this previous bulimia/anorexic mindset and eat more. If I see him eat more, then I will feel okay eating more instead of feeling the need to punish myself. He needs to be a man!

All you can do is lead by example. If you work out and eat like a fitness compeitor who is bulking, and you gain a few pounds of muscle yourself, perhaps he will eventually get fed up and come around. That's the best way I know of to motivate a guy...no guy wants his girlfriend to bigger/stronger than him over the long-term. Also, your lifestyle habits will rub off on him. Like working out and how you eat (but always remember he needs about 500 calories more than you even at the same height/weight just to maintain). You may need to still force him on a rare occasion, but only do that when his openness to it is at a high level. But be careful with this. No guy wants a girlfriend who is bigger, stronger, AND tries to force him to do what she wants.

But you're right to be concerned...his bone density could suffer someday in old age. Or he could become diabetic past middle age with so little muscle now. You're right to try to intervene now if you really care about him.