Doing this in secret?

wolverine66

Like many others, I've not kept it a secret as much as i have just not advertised it. My reasoning is because I don't want to inconvenience anyone else. I think that if I can change my habits without altering the behaviors of the people around me, then it is more sustainable than getting special considerations from those people. Maybe that doesn't make sense.

My wife knows I am dropping weight. But here's the thing - she can barely tell i have lost anything - because she sees me every day. When she sees me she mentally compares me to the last time she saw me (which may be as much as 4-5 hours) not to a year and a 1/2 ago when i started. So that's why people who haven't seen you in a month or longer can tell.

This doesn't really excuse your wife's comment, because - the way you tell it - it seems like she was saying it to hurt you.

Anyway, to answer your question, yes. I am not advertising my weight loss. This is something I want to do on my own.

I think you jumped in my head and took my words! The people I see everyday can not tell a difference. #1: They don't pay attention to our bodies like we do. #2: Most don't care unless you are making them look bad or stealing their glory (mostly catty types I steer clear of).

I heard this from my husband this morning. "You can't change the body God gave you." Oh no... That's the last thing someone needs to tell me, I can't do something. I can change it to something better and more healthy and I'm going to prove my point.

Keep at it and be healthy and happy for you, not anyone else.

My wife is not a cheerleader for this either. I mean, she isn't unsupportive, or a detractor - but she isn't waiting to find out what i weigh week to week. The reason is because she loves me no matter what. She loved me when I weighed my most in my life, and she loves me now that I way less than she's ever seen me weigh. In a way, her not vocalizing and not actively encouraging me provides me more support because i know she's got my back no matter what, and if i slip up from time to time, she's not disappointed or judging me.

Dancing_Laeti

It's funny, I've basically told everybody except for my family. Actually, that's not quite right, the only one I make a conscious effort of not telling is my Mum. And that's basically because I don't want her to ask me every two seconds what I am eating, how much I've lost and whether I'm still going to the gym.
People at work know and when they ask I'm quite happy to explain what I'm doing. I did get the occasional 'oh, so there is no shortcut then?' which made me kinda giggle.

Yodifer

I dont make it a point to tell any one. I have supportive friends on MFP and thats all I need. I dont think any one else really cares either way.

steve2kay

Just want to be clear my wife isn't an ogre. It was a throw away comment in the middle of a disagreement about eating healthy food and to be fair I don't look any different.

I guess the point is that people have a view about how weight loss is done and if what you do doesn't fit their model then they want to correct/advise you of the right way to do it (just look at the cardio/weights discussions on here). I think I need to work out what works for me long term, so I should just keep my mouth shut until I've worked it out and proved it works.

The nice thing is that I have supportive friends on MFP going through the same issues,

cuinboston2014

I don't announce it but I do get weird looks for all the subtitutions I ask for at restaurants, or foods I avoid. I've been this way for a while so my family knows but when I'm out with other people they sometimes think it's odd. I do sometimes mention I'm trying to lose weight. I typically avoid it though because if people ask more than that it gets weird. I am looking to lose another 30-40 pounds and always hear the "you'll be too skinny" which is super discouraging.

I'll be a healthy weight.

good luck. She'll jump on track eventually She's not trying to sabotage you - but food can be a thing that people share and have shared together. I hate eating alone so I'll rarely snack if my husband doesn't. If you can't share it it can be strange/different to get used to. 10 pounds is huge to the person who loses it but nothing to the casual observer! Keep going strong.

And congrats on your 5k time reduction

seltzermint555

Just want to be clear my wife isn't an ogre. It was a throw away comment in the middle of a disagreement about eating healthy food and to be fair I don't look any different.

I guess the point is that people have a view about how weight loss is done and if what you do doesn't fit their model then they want to correct/advise you of the right way to do it (just look at the cardio/weights discussions on here). I think I need to work out what works for me long term, so I should just keep my mouth shut until I've worked it out and proved it works.

The nice thing is that I have supportive friends on MFP going through the same issues,

Just curious...why don't you share more info with your wife about your MFP use and what you are doing with regard to diet/health?

It seems like this could clear things up a bit.

My take on your O.P. was maybe a wife who is trying to "monitor" your health in a caring yet annoying way. Is that possible? Obviously you're a big boy who can take care of himself but women (myself included) have a way of doing that sometimes ;-) ESPECIALLY when we may be cooking/shopping for the household.

My ex-husband was the type to smoke, eat just one huge meal per day (usually fried foods and other junk), and never exercised. I always tried to encourage him to stop smoking and start becoming more active. Those efforts were fruitless so I stopped. But the one thing I felt like I could "control" was his eating...I really couldn't, but I DID have more impact in that area than the others. If I made a healthy hot breakfast or a lighter dinner entrée he would rarely turn it down and I saw that as a step toward improvement. I've always been the 3-meals-a-day type so him eating just one meal of 4,000 calories worried me. If he'd been more proactive with his health and done that as part of a "plan" I would have left him alone.

Just another take on this. My best to you!

icimani

I'll tell people if they ask, but otherwise it's none of their business.

As for your wife not noticing you've lost weight - that's a tricky thing. She sees you every day, and you've said you really don't look that different so I'd let that one go.

EbonyGlitter

I too am doing this semi-secretly. I told my boyfriend and two of my closest friends just because I like being able to update people on my progress but I am keeping it quiet at work. I don't want to become the center of attention, I just wanna change my life. If they notice the changes, so be it, but I'm not into discussing anything with my coworkers. They don't have a good idea of what weight loss encompasses (these are women who bring in cakes twice per week and then whine about their thighs while they look for the holy grail no-effort weight loss secret) and it annoys me greatly. I don't want my journey criticized and remarked on by people who have no idea what they're talking about (I have history with this) so I'm just keeping it on the low.

I am also not making a big deal of it to my mom simply because I often feel like she unintentionally sabotages me.

bk843

I also keep it quiet. For some of the same reasons other have said. I don't need food police, I don't plan on eating "perfectly" - I just plan on eating a whole lot better than I have been. I'm 100 lbs overweight and I already feel judged by completely strangers. I don't have anyone in my "real life" who would be at all supportive. My family and friends are all very thin and eat horribly and don't understand why I choose not to. So for me just doing it on my own is better.

3foldchord

I never told my husband..."Brian, I have to decided to eat healthier, excessive more, lose weight, and get into shape!"
I just eat healthier, exercise more, lose weight, and he sees my shape change. He's smart enough to put 2 and 2 together with out me explaining everything I do and why.

I will say, "I think I'll have the salmon, I need a bit more protein today."... Or...."I'm going to go lift weights, wanna come?"....


And he says, "wow, you look great" and I say.. "Thanks, I work for it"


I don't tell people about anything personal. It's none of their business.
Actions speak louder than words.

seltzermint555

I too am doing this semi-secretly. I told my boyfriend and two of my closest friends just because I like being able to update people on my progress but I am keeping it quiet at work. I don't want to become the center of attention, I just wanna change my life. If they notice the changes, so be it, but I'm not into discussing anything with my coworkers. They don't have a good idea of what weight loss encompasses (these are women who bring in cakes twice per week and then whine about their thighs while they look for the holy grail no-effort weight loss secret) and it annoys me greatly. I don't want my journey criticized and remarked on by people who have no idea what they're talking about (I have history with this) so I'm just keeping it on the low.

I am also not making a big deal of it to my mom simply because I often feel like she unintentionally sabotages me.

Oh wow, I can relate to every single bit of this exactly!

My last job (before my current one) was a nightmare for this reason. Most of the women there were on very extreme diets and they would lose 7 lb/week for 2 weeks and then stop losing and many of them would get really sick (vomiting, diarrhea, hair falling out, etc) and they would say "Oh I must have Celiac's disease". When I told them (they asked) about MFP they laughed and said "Yeah that does NOT work...if you eat that many calories and have ice cream weekly you're only going to gain". I saw one of those women this weekend and she had gained weight since I quit that job, meanwhile I've lost another 29 lb since I quit. haha

gojodster

I understand completely, My family thinks I'm ridicules and obsessed for logging everything and they think I just need to watch portions and exercise. But they are constantly throwing the a little bit wont hurt, A piece of cake wont kill you, etc. I did tell the ones I live with partially on accident and I get crap about it often, its lessoning cause I do it anyways but its still a pain. I feel that until they ask they don't care enough to know how important it is to you and for now you just have to keep yourself accountable. Best of luck, Keep it up anyways, you are worth it!!

VincitQuiSeVincit

I actually found that being REALLY REALLY public about it helps me stay on track.
I "check-in" at the gym, I post all my prepped meals, pics of my HRM after a workout, screenshots of my WODs, new gym gear or whatever on Instagram, those cliche but wonderful "fitspo" quotes litter my facebook and my instagram. I signed up for a Spartan Race, a Tough Mudder and other races and am VERY public about promoting them and asking friends to join me.

I DON'T care if it's annoying or whatever, but knowing that Ive turned every single person on my friends list eyes on me, I know I dont have a choice but to succeed.

MysteriousMerlin

Ouch, your wife was kind of harsh there. Just keep doing what you're doing, you're not doing this for anyone else, you do this for YOU. :flowerforyou:

I'm an open book, I think I've told total strangers what I'm doing to lose weight, lol. MY NAME IS IRONIC. :bigsmile:

Brandolin11

My wife and I ended up in a discussion about food, nothing serious, but she is critical of the fact that sometimes I'm not hungry in the evenings so don't want to eat, sometimes I eat bad food, sometimes I eat "too much protein", sometimes I have an unnatural protein shake etc.

It got to the point where she said I'd never lose weight and I stupidly told her I'd lost weight recently to which she said "well it doesn't look like it" - ouch.

Proud of you for doing this even though you have a person who is being straight up abusive to you right in your own home. You keep going and do this for you and no one else.

In the meantime........I think you might want to consider marriage counseling, seriously. I know I'm just a stranger, but your two sentences above demonstrate that there is a serious problem going on in your marriage. You don't deserve to be spoken to that way. A marriage is two people loving and supporting each other, especially one person really needs help to make a big significant change in their life for the better. She should be your biggest cheerleader, that's what marriage is all about! I have no idea why she's doing that, but it needs to be remedied - otherwise, you may end up falling off the wagon due to stress and depression. But I'm just a humble stranger making a recommendation, nothing more.

desolate_angel

I'm only two weeks in and I haven't told anyone except for mentioning it to my esthetician. Like another poster above, if I fail, I want to be able to pick myself up and begin again without feeling judgment or like I should stay off the wagon because failure was inevitable.
I have had a few classmates notice that I'm not carrying around my trademark 20 ounce bottle of Pepsi and I have a bottle of water, or a 12 ounce bottle of Sprite(!) or Pepsi instead. I tell them I'm cutting down on my Pepsi habit by limiting how much I drink and trying to break the association between class time and that 20 ounce bottle. I don't mention the weight loss goal. I'm making small, slow changes and this way I feel I can go at my own pace and make those changes stick.

Fiore_

I'm almost 60 days in and have been keeping it a secret from everyone except my immediate family. My husband was switching from supportive to unsupportive, depending on the day. I finally told him to knock it off. I told him that he cannot say anything unsupportive anymore ("a little bit won't hurt" or that I'm "pushing myself too hard"). I am fighting cravings and lack of willpower all by myself -- without anyone else's negative energy weighing me down. Since then, he's been much better.

I haven't told anyone else for pretty much the same reasons as everyone else. I don't want to be judged if I have a piece of chocolate or asked a bunch of personal questions. No one has noticed yet, but I am actually nervous about the day someone does.

OP, I recommend a heart-to-heart with your wife immediately. Tell her exactly how you need her to support you. Our spouses aren't mind readers. If you need her to be silent, tell her that. If you need her to make encouraging comments, tell her that. Good luck!

TheAcePhantom

I don't think I'll keep my exercising a secret. If I'm obese and need to lose weight, why would I hide the fact I'm working towards loosing the weight a secret? Seems odd to me. Just the other day I told my friend I was getting ready for a workout and he gave me a compliment.

TheLadyBane

When I decided to start eating healthy and exercise I didn't advertise it. I didn't tell anyone I was trying to lose weight. I weighed 289 pounds and talking about wanting to lose weight just felt like another way to draw attention to my weight, which I didn't want. Also I think I wasn't quite ready to admit to myself that losing weight was my goal. I didn't want to fail so in my mind I focused instead on leading a healthy lifestyle.

My boyfriend noticed a change in my grocery shopping and I didn't want to eat out as much. I told him I was trying to eat healthier and he was supportive. No one noticed that I had lost weight until I had lost around 50 pounds. Then they would ask what I was doing. I would just say I'd been eating healthier and working out regularly.

Now that I've lost 130 pounds people I haven't seen for a while don't recognize me, others always ask "What's your secret?" and seemed rather disappointed with my answer... "I log all the food that I eat, I eat at a deficit, and I exercise most days of the week". Strangely new people are the easiest to connect with (aside from close friends and family!) because they don't treat me oddly or with surprise or with expectations based on who I used to be.

Another reason I didn't advertise my efforts is that I don't like spending all my free time obsessing about an arbitrary number (weight. I don't have a fixed final goal weight because I don't know what will be healthiest on my body. I'll just keep working on myself until I am the best I can be). I don't like spending my breaks talking about how hard losing weight is or how I wish I could eat this or that or the newest crazy weight loss method. I have noticed that lots of lady fad dieters try to connect with me and talk about that stuff all the time. I can give my opinion on slow, steady, healthy loss but for the most part that isn't what they want to hear from me. So I stick to MFP and Calorie King forums for discussion and support.

SamanthaH10

I guess I just don't give a damn what others think. I didn't embark on a weight loss journey to please everyone else; I did it for me and I am continuing to do it for me. If they don't like it, screw 'em. There will ALWAYS be people who are saboteurs and loads of negativity from those who are jealous, but I have NEVER let what anyone else thinks influence me.

With that being said, I did not shout from the rooftops that I was losing weight, but if someone asked, I told them. If they didn't like it or made comments, my standard response was "while you are entitled to your opinion, it is both unwelcome and unnecessary and I would appreciate it if you would keep it to yourself." The look on some people's faces was just priceless!

*edited to fix grammar!*