Divorce: is it worth it?
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110% THIS! My parents separated when I was 4 and I took it very hard. After a year or two, I realized that I was happier. A couple of times my Dad got really sick and my Mom would take him in to nurse him back to health, I loved it even though they slept in different bedroom. When he got healthier, it was the same ol' non-stop screaming/fighting, I was miserable. When she kicked him out the final time, I realized that I didn't want them together. They didn't officially divorce until I was 13, but it was a non-event handled by lawyers through the mail. I remember my Mom sitting me down at the kitchen table and beating around the bush to tell me. When she finally told me that their divorce was finalized I distinctly remembered saying, "And? Can I go back to riding my bike?"I haven't, but I can speak about my parents' divorce (just from my perspective, obviously
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When I was little, my parents fought all the time. They were both really unhappy and eventually decided to get divorced. There was a period after the divorce where they were both struggling to adjust, but after they adjusted, things were much better.
They became great friends. My dad used to come over to take care of my sister and me on weekends when my mom worked, and when she got home, we'd all have dinner together and watch a movie as a family. To this day, they get along really well and have few disagreements.
I can't say that it would be like that for everyone, but I think in the long run, it was a good move for my parents. They're both wonderful people, but just didn't work as a married couple.
Even though my Dad was an on-and-off alcoholic and verbally abusive, my Mom was insistent on him having visitation. On average, I'd spend one weekend a month and a couple of weeks in the summer with him (kinda like serving in the Reserves)! I was much better off with him in my life than without, but he only lived one county away.
For the 20 years post-divorce up until he died, they were the best of friends. Called each other daily to check on each other and share details of their lives, etc. My Mom was devastated when he died because the post-divorce him WAS her very best friend.
Some people just aren't meant to be together for the long haul. They were great apart but horrific together, it was no secret.0 -
Honestly, the answer SHOULD be obvious.
If he is beating you, fighting all the taim, having affairs, ect, then I think you already know the answer.
If it is a matter of you just being bored or not liking the fact that he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle, then you might want to rethink the divorce option.
My first wife was a cheater.
When she decided to finally leave me, I was crushed but, years later, I realized I was better off.
Ironically, about five years ago, she told me that divorcing me was one of the things SHE regretted.
So the answer is:
No, the grass is NOT always greener on the other side. It all depends on how green YOUR grass is right now.0 -
In my best attorney voice: "Depends"0
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I wanted my marriage to work, but when I realized I was the only one trying, I knew it was time to walk away. It was extremely painful, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone who truly values and respects their marriage.
^^ This... It basically took me a year before I made my decision. For that year I did the best I could to also make positive changes in the relationship, he wanted nothing to do with making it work and was verbally abusive (for most of the relationship). Until one day, I realized that I did not want my kids growing up thinking that what we had was love or a true marriage-- and something the ex said to me was the decision maker (I dare not repeat it). I am happier all the way around now, we were married 10.5 yrs-- we have been separated for 3 and divorced for 21 months. The divorce was no easy task and costly-- but well worth it!!
Though I would do anything for my kids, I would give up my life-- in a heart beat!! Every time I have reflected on it-- I just could not have been his wife for another moment from then on...
IMO: If you are considering it-- make it YOUR decision. Make sure that's what you want before you move forward.0 -
Yes. Now **** off!Asking divorcees if their divorce was worth it is akin to asking drunks in a bar if the alcohol tastes good... Or asking people in happy marriages if keeping their marriage together is worth it.
Equally stupid questions all around.
...one more stupid question. Are you always such a d*ck?
Somebody's got a case of the Monnnndays. On a Thursday...0 -
For those of you who have gone through a divorce, was the grass greener on the other side? Are you happier now or do you regret it? Discuss.
"greener grass" wasn't a factor (and should never be, imo). I loved my husband. I wanted my marriage to work. I begged him to go to marriage counseling with me. We had been together for 7.5 years, married for 4. But I HAD to leave. He had progressed over the course of those 7.5 years from normal to verbally to emotionally to mentally and then finally to physically abusive. If I hadn't left when I did, there is no doubt in my mind that I would have wound up in the hospital...or dead. :frown: I thank God every day for my family and friends who helped me escape.
It took me a LONG time to decide I was ready to get married again. Next week is our two month "anniversary" - we just got married in Sept after having been together for over 8 years. :happy: He is well aware that I am never going through another divorce.
:laugh: 0 -
I wasn't in a horrible terrible marriage. I was in a marriage that lacked love, passion, and excitement. It lasted for 9.5 years and I probably would have stayed in it permanently, and been happy in a half-a**ed way for my whole life. My ex husband was a nice, funny, smart guy and we generally got along. We doted on our dog, made a good dual income, and watched BBC America and shopped for furniture. Did we have regular sex? Nope. Did we really cherish and adore one another? Not any more so than our other good friends. Did we need to actually stay married? NO, and I'm so glad that he realized that and brought the issues to light instead of living this mediocre life.
Now I am remarried to a man who is truly my partner, lover, etc. He is amazing and makes me feel so wanted and loved and fantastic. I am no longer holding back my feelings, emotions, or sexuality. I know we are on the same page with so many things in life and it's amazing to have a mate with the same kind of positive attitude and high level of energy that I have. I didn't even realize how much my ex was holding back, or in how many different ways! Just in the past two years I've experienced more new & exciting things in life than I did with my ex husband in a decade.
Honestly in some ways life's harder. I don't have the same level of financial security I once did. We argue sometimes. I never argued with my ex, really. But am I happier? 110% YES
Wow. I've been in a state of ambivalence for 2 years now, with a husband who sounds very much like your X. This made me cry at my desk.
Oh man that gives me chills :-(
I hope you work things out, and find a happier marriage together...or become happier apart.
I'll add that it was not easy. But it was worth it.0 -
For those of you who have gone through a divorce, was the grass greener on the other side? Are you happier now or do you regret it? Discuss.
It was worth every nickel of the $3,000 I paid my lawyer, but I also have full custody of my son and live 1,000+ miles away. Only thing I regret is hanging on for the last few years of crap, but getting out at 7 is better than 10 I suppose.0 -
I got divorced and laid off from my job in the same week. The job layoff was the hardest! My divorce was painful because of how it impacted our 7 year old son (he is now 14). But I was happy to get away. It took me 5 years to get it and I had to pay him all of my money and I pay him child support (we have split custody) and alimony. Welcome to equal rights!
I do not regret it, I love my life and my son says it was the best thing that ever happened.0 -
Yes, it was worth it in the end. The process sucked...but the kids are happier, and so am I. I had the opportunity to meet a wonderful man once the old baggage was gone.
Life is too short to be unhappy. But at the same time, you loved that person once, give it your best to figure out the problem and fix it. If it's unfixable you are better off apart.0 -
:happy: YES....YES...and YES!!!! :happy:0
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Yes:drinker:0
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i believe my son and i are way better off. he never hit us but he just couldn't stay away from drugs and drink. he has / is in jail for most of our years together. i say enough is enough. i can't take care of him anymore. he is trying to get back for the fifth time i will not take him back his own family doesn't have anything to do with him and this last time i really beleave he was cheating on me. guess that didn't work out for he needs money for a t.v. in his room in jail and i guess she doesn't want to support him while he is away maybe for 6 more years.0
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I wasn't in a horrible terrible marriage. I was in a marriage that lacked love, passion, and excitement. It lasted for 9.5 years and I probably would have stayed in it permanently, and been happy in a half-a**ed way for my whole life. My ex husband was a nice, funny, smart guy and we generally got along. We doted on our dog, made a good dual income, and watched BBC America and shopped for furniture. Did we have regular sex? Nope. Did we really cherish and adore one another? Not any more so than our other good friends. Did we need to actually stay married? NO, and I'm so glad that he realized that and brought the issues to light instead of living this mediocre life.
Now I am remarried to a man who is truly my partner, lover, etc. He is amazing and makes me feel so wanted and loved and fantastic. I am no longer holding back my feelings, emotions, or sexuality. I know we are on the same page with so many things in life and it's amazing to have a mate with the same kind of positive attitude and high level of energy that I have. I didn't even realize how much my ex was holding back, or in how many different ways! Just in the past two years I've experienced more new & exciting things in life than I did with my ex husband in a decade.
Honestly in some ways life's harder. I don't have the same level of financial security I once did. We argue sometimes. I never argued with my ex, really. But am I happier? 110% YES
Wow…this is gonna make a lot of people take a look inside themselves.0 -
It wasn't my choice but I am so much happier now that it's over
Good golly Miss Molly, but I like your pictures. Well done on your fitness program.:flowerforyou:0 -
I strongly believe in the sanctity of marriage and believe that both parties should do whatever they can to make things work...
That being said, my son and I are both much better off since my divorce. The last I heard about my ex husband indicates that he is doing well and learned some important lessons from the failure of our relationship that should help him avoid making those mistakes again.
I have learned some important lessons too.
If I get married again, I will insist on premarital counseling. Even if my boyfriend and I never get married but just live together for the rest of forever, I will not allow problems to fester without resolution and if there is something we can't figure out on our own, I will seek wise counsel.
Waiting until the problems go on too long and cause too much damage to the foundations of the relationship to seek help is a mistake that I will not make again.
That was a bit of a rambling way of saying that I am better off divorced but that divorce isn't something I see as a "greener grass" type of thing and I will do everything in my power to avoid going through it again0 -
As a 38 year old mom of 2 I never thought after 15 years of marriage I would be in the middle of a divorce....but I am smack dab in the middle of one. Some things are just unforgivable.....he is a cheater and is living with another woman, on top of the fact he got a DUI and hid it from me for over 2 months.....his reason, he didn't want to hear me ***** about it. What was I supposed to say....oh, honey, thats ok, here is $1400 to cover your *kitten*! I think not. Is this time in my life scary....HELL YES!!! I have been a stay at home mom for 13.5 years. Since I filed the papers, with the help of my parents, I am back in school and thankful that my credits from years ago transferred. Am I happy now.......Yes and No, I am happy to free myself from him and his control but I am not one who likes to be alone either. Ash me this question a year from now. Never know what can happen.0
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Life is what it is! To many of us ladies thbink it's a game. Don't married if your not happy, and if you decide to, WORK ON IT!!0
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Yes, if you've done all you can to save it. Life is too short for you to be miserable, not to mention the affects the stress has on your health.0
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It sucks a lot; we have our hearing in early January, and sometimes I wish it were different.
But it was absolutely the best thing we could have done for each other, and for ourselves. I'm happier, I have fewer anxiety attacks and instances of depressive pits, and I'm in more control -- and as it turns out, I desperately lacked control in my marriage, even though my husband was in no way controlling.
We've maintained our friendship after an ugly period of a few months, and I feel like it's probably obvious to us that we were much better friends than spouses. (We were together for a little more than seven years, married for a bit more than three of those. One child.)0 -
For me, no. He was my best friend, my partner and the father of my children. I made the choice for both of us and ended it without even trying, far easier to give up than to keep fighting, right? I forgot why I loved him, why I married him and why we were meant to be. 10 years later, we are still friends and we have both moved on with our lives but I have regrets and the choices I made can never be undone.0
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Marriage is a life commitment, there is no good reason ever to break that commitment. Except death.0
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I was lucky in that my ex-husband and I had one of those "end of the road" talks and I realized "I don't want this anymore," where before I had always been the one to fight to make things work. It was great--complete emotional release.0
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Divorce is a terrible thing to go through, but if you have tried everthing to save your marriage, and it still doesn't work, then divorce is worth it. Life is too short to be unhappy. I was in a terrible marriage, and tried everything to turn it around, but in the end I was the only one trying to make positive changes. Divorcing my exhusband was both the hardes thing I have ever been through, and the best. If you're thinking about divorce, remember this- you will make it, hang in there, and everntually it will be behind you.0
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This.Divorce is a terrible thing to go through, but if you have tried everthing to save your marriage, and it still doesn't work, then divorce is worth it. Life is too short to be unhappy. I was in a terrible marriage, and tried everything to turn it around, but in the end I was the only one trying to make positive changes. Divorcing my exhusband was both the hardes thing I have ever been through, and the best. If you're thinking about divorce, remember this- you will make it, hang in there, and everntually it will be behind you.
It was CRAZY hard...but I'm in a much better place now and glad I did. It feels great to finally be me again.0 -
The grass is only green where you water it.
My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for two. We're happy together and love that we get to build a life together. We've had amazing experiences together and take the good with the bad. I was pretty clear before we got married that I'm a "long haul" gal, I wanted a relationship that would be a "fairytale". Someone should have told me it was going to be WORK. Wouldn't have changed my mind though, I'm married to my best friend and I love him deeply.
A lot of what I'd like to say has been said, mainly that if your relationship isn't toxic or abusive, look at the real reasons why you don't love this person anymore.
Here's some of what I think of when I'm down in the dumps about my relationship (yes it happens and it's natural to doubt):
-Consider what you are contributing (or not) to the relationship.
-Decide what type of spouse you want to be and take action to be that person.
-Discuss your feelings open and honestly with your significant other, it will be hard to have that tough conversation but your trust level will go up. They need to know where you are at and you need to know where they are at.
-This isn't a blame game but your feelings and desires. Consider what YOU need to improve vs what THEY need to improve. Bring up only what you feel YOU need to improve. Use "I feel that..." for what you see in them that bothers you.
-Discuss in terms of "I feel..." or "I see..." or "I envision..." - This keeps the ball in your court and gives your partner the opportunity to listen to what course you're on.
-Try counselling - either for yourself or together. It's not mandatory that you both go to discuss your relationship right away, sometimes our pasts need to be worked out individually before we can move forward.
-Ask yourself: What would I miss? Are they things or experiences with your partner?
-Do some research. I found out that the first five years of marriage are statistically the hardest ones to get through and are when the most divorces happen.
-Read blogs or other materials about marriage or partnership. Knowledge is your friend.
Hope that helps and good luck on your journey.0 -
I'm not thinking many of us set out to wind up divorced. So no, not worth it. But in the end, it may be better than some alternatives.0
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I was lucky in that my ex-husband and I had one of those "end of the road" talks and I realized "I don't want this anymore," where before I had always been the one to fight to make things work. It was great--complete emotional release.
My ex husband and I kind of had that too. He said "we're not happy..." and suggested the divorce and I begged him to work it out. He stayed, and the entire time I realized he was correct and there was NO turning back. Two months later we filed for divorce. I was ready. We took a walk at a nature center and threw our (inexpensive) wedding rings into a river. It was a good experience and I haven't looked back for a moment. When I "miss him" it's never him that I miss...it's the happiness we had at times, our dog, and our former home together that was destroyed in a tornado...never him, never at all. I think that is the surest sign of all that we were not meant to be married.0 -
I think homicide is easier if he ever wants to leave me.0
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It was worth it for me. It's been a difficult few years since but I am so much happier and peaceful than I was. I made the decision to leave when my boys were very young. I was actually 6 months pregnant with my 2nd. I just knew it wasn't going to get better. It seemed to get even worse when I was pregnant..and I didn't want my boys to think that's how you treat a woman. So I left. And we are a-ok!! 0
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