Divorce: is it worth it?
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I wanted my marriage to work, but when I realized I was the only one trying, I knew it was time to walk away. It was extremely painful, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone who truly values and respects their marriage.0
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I wasn't in a horrible terrible marriage. I was in a marriage that lacked love, passion, and excitement. It lasted for 9.5 years and I probably would have stayed in it permanently, and been happy in a half-a**ed way for my whole life. My ex husband was a nice, funny, smart guy and we generally got along. We doted on our dog, made a good dual income, and watched BBC America and shopped for furniture. Did we have regular sex? Nope. Did we really cherish and adore one another? Not any more so than our other good friends. Did we need to actually stay married? NO, and I'm so glad that he realized that and brought the issues to light instead of living this mediocre life.
Now I am remarried to a man who is truly my partner, lover, etc. He is amazing and makes me feel so wanted and loved and fantastic. I am no longer holding back my feelings, emotions, or sexuality. I know we are on the same page with so many things in life and it's amazing to have a mate with the same kind of positive attitude and high level of energy that I have. I didn't even realize how much my ex was holding back, or in how many different ways! Just in the past two years I've experienced more new & exciting things in life than I did with my ex husband in a decade.
Honestly in some ways life's harder. I don't have the same level of financial security I once did. We argue sometimes. I never argued with my ex, really. But am I happier? 110% YES
Wow. I've been in a state of ambivalence for 2 years now, with a husband who sounds very much like your X. This made me cry at my desk.0 -
im surprised by some answers0
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Yes. Now **** off!Asking divorcees if their divorce was worth it is akin to asking drunks in a bar if the alcohol tastes good... Or asking people in happy marriages if keeping their marriage together is worth it.
Equally stupid questions all around.
...one more stupid question. Are you always such a d*ck?0 -
It was worth it for me.
My ex and I went from being best friends, to practically being strangers who happened to share a roof. I'm young, and didn't want to waste the rest of my life. He's 7 years older and I didn't want him to waste any more valuable time on something that clearly wasn't working. That, and I was tired of dealing with his out-of-control temper.
I'm happier now than I ever have been. He's doing pretty well, too, and we're still amicable. Our families remained very close as well (his little sister often stays the night at my parent's house with my siblings).
That's not to say it's *always* right (I'm a believer in trying to make it work first- marriage is still sacred IMO) but sometimes it is the right decision.0 -
What an odd public forum question. No matter what you feel on the subject, you shouldn't take anything here as a reason one way or another: if someone is going to answer you here, 99.99% of the time they are happy about it or trying to be happy about it and going to post to prove it. If someone doesn't think it was worth it, they would be more likely to: not post because they are back with their spouse after they worked something out and be very unlikely to even remember the bad time where they thought about it enough to respond to a random forum topic, feel so much regret its probably painful to post in a public forum, or likely to put up a front about it saying it was worth it online to convince themselves or hurt their ex. And everyone who does divorce must find reasons it was worth it to continue with their lives, just like most people will emphasize the faults of their ex bf/gf once they are separated, its therapeutic.
You are also going to miss all the people to whom it would be really worth it to divorce, but are sticking it out/in a restrictive/abusive relationship and would not tell you this secret. So, I wouldn't take this topic posted on a public forum as meaning anything useful for yourself at all really, except a census of who's happy or trying to be happyabout their divorce!
On the other hand, most people who post topics like this in a public forum are just looking for outside confirmation and reasons to support a thought...
Is this question any "odder" in a chit chat forum than WOULD YOU BANG THE PERSON ABOVE YOU?
'Nuff said.0 -
Yes. Now **** off!Asking divorcees if their divorce was worth it is akin to asking drunks in a bar if the alcohol tastes good... Or asking people in happy marriages if keeping their marriage together is worth it.
Equally stupid questions all around.
...one more stupid question. Are you always such a d*ck?
Someone is either
1) HANGRY
or
2) Needs to get laid.
ETA: Or both.0 -
How much money does he have?
Prenup?
It could be worth it.0 -
It wasn't my choice after 17 years of marriage and two kids - AND my ex followed me from Florida to California - but yes, I am in a far far better place.0
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How much money does he have?
Prenup?
It could be worth it.
:laugh:0 -
110% THIS! My parents separated when I was 4 and I took it very hard. After a year or two, I realized that I was happier. A couple of times my Dad got really sick and my Mom would take him in to nurse him back to health, I loved it even though they slept in different bedroom. When he got healthier, it was the same ol' non-stop screaming/fighting, I was miserable. When she kicked him out the final time, I realized that I didn't want them together. They didn't officially divorce until I was 13, but it was a non-event handled by lawyers through the mail. I remember my Mom sitting me down at the kitchen table and beating around the bush to tell me. When she finally told me that their divorce was finalized I distinctly remembered saying, "And? Can I go back to riding my bike?"I haven't, but I can speak about my parents' divorce (just from my perspective, obviously )
When I was little, my parents fought all the time. They were both really unhappy and eventually decided to get divorced. There was a period after the divorce where they were both struggling to adjust, but after they adjusted, things were much better.
They became great friends. My dad used to come over to take care of my sister and me on weekends when my mom worked, and when she got home, we'd all have dinner together and watch a movie as a family. To this day, they get along really well and have few disagreements.
I can't say that it would be like that for everyone, but I think in the long run, it was a good move for my parents. They're both wonderful people, but just didn't work as a married couple.
Even though my Dad was an on-and-off alcoholic and verbally abusive, my Mom was insistent on him having visitation. On average, I'd spend one weekend a month and a couple of weeks in the summer with him (kinda like serving in the Reserves)! I was much better off with him in my life than without, but he only lived one county away.
For the 20 years post-divorce up until he died, they were the best of friends. Called each other daily to check on each other and share details of their lives, etc. My Mom was devastated when he died because the post-divorce him WAS her very best friend.
Some people just aren't meant to be together for the long haul. They were great apart but horrific together, it was no secret.0 -
Honestly, the answer SHOULD be obvious.
If he is beating you, fighting all the taim, having affairs, ect, then I think you already know the answer.
If it is a matter of you just being bored or not liking the fact that he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle, then you might want to rethink the divorce option.
My first wife was a cheater.
When she decided to finally leave me, I was crushed but, years later, I realized I was better off.
Ironically, about five years ago, she told me that divorcing me was one of the things SHE regretted.
So the answer is:
No, the grass is NOT always greener on the other side. It all depends on how green YOUR grass is right now.0 -
In my best attorney voice: "Depends"0
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I wanted my marriage to work, but when I realized I was the only one trying, I knew it was time to walk away. It was extremely painful, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone who truly values and respects their marriage.
^^ This... It basically took me a year before I made my decision. For that year I did the best I could to also make positive changes in the relationship, he wanted nothing to do with making it work and was verbally abusive (for most of the relationship). Until one day, I realized that I did not want my kids growing up thinking that what we had was love or a true marriage-- and something the ex said to me was the decision maker (I dare not repeat it). I am happier all the way around now, we were married 10.5 yrs-- we have been separated for 3 and divorced for 21 months. The divorce was no easy task and costly-- but well worth it!!
Though I would do anything for my kids, I would give up my life-- in a heart beat!! Every time I have reflected on it-- I just could not have been his wife for another moment from then on...
IMO: If you are considering it-- make it YOUR decision. Make sure that's what you want before you move forward.0 -
Yes. Now **** off!Asking divorcees if their divorce was worth it is akin to asking drunks in a bar if the alcohol tastes good... Or asking people in happy marriages if keeping their marriage together is worth it.
Equally stupid questions all around.
...one more stupid question. Are you always such a d*ck?
Somebody's got a case of the Monnnndays. On a Thursday...0 -
For those of you who have gone through a divorce, was the grass greener on the other side? Are you happier now or do you regret it? Discuss.
"greener grass" wasn't a factor (and should never be, imo). I loved my husband. I wanted my marriage to work. I begged him to go to marriage counseling with me. We had been together for 7.5 years, married for 4. But I HAD to leave. He had progressed over the course of those 7.5 years from normal to verbally to emotionally to mentally and then finally to physically abusive. If I hadn't left when I did, there is no doubt in my mind that I would have wound up in the hospital...or dead. :frown: I thank God every day for my family and friends who helped me escape.
It took me a LONG time to decide I was ready to get married again. Next week is our two month "anniversary" - we just got married in Sept after having been together for over 8 years. :happy: He is well aware that I am never going through another divorce.
:laugh: 0 -
I wasn't in a horrible terrible marriage. I was in a marriage that lacked love, passion, and excitement. It lasted for 9.5 years and I probably would have stayed in it permanently, and been happy in a half-a**ed way for my whole life. My ex husband was a nice, funny, smart guy and we generally got along. We doted on our dog, made a good dual income, and watched BBC America and shopped for furniture. Did we have regular sex? Nope. Did we really cherish and adore one another? Not any more so than our other good friends. Did we need to actually stay married? NO, and I'm so glad that he realized that and brought the issues to light instead of living this mediocre life.
Now I am remarried to a man who is truly my partner, lover, etc. He is amazing and makes me feel so wanted and loved and fantastic. I am no longer holding back my feelings, emotions, or sexuality. I know we are on the same page with so many things in life and it's amazing to have a mate with the same kind of positive attitude and high level of energy that I have. I didn't even realize how much my ex was holding back, or in how many different ways! Just in the past two years I've experienced more new & exciting things in life than I did with my ex husband in a decade.
Honestly in some ways life's harder. I don't have the same level of financial security I once did. We argue sometimes. I never argued with my ex, really. But am I happier? 110% YES
Wow. I've been in a state of ambivalence for 2 years now, with a husband who sounds very much like your X. This made me cry at my desk.
Oh man that gives me chills :-(
I hope you work things out, and find a happier marriage together...or become happier apart.
I'll add that it was not easy. But it was worth it.0 -
For those of you who have gone through a divorce, was the grass greener on the other side? Are you happier now or do you regret it? Discuss.
It was worth every nickel of the $3,000 I paid my lawyer, but I also have full custody of my son and live 1,000+ miles away. Only thing I regret is hanging on for the last few years of crap, but getting out at 7 is better than 10 I suppose.0 -
I got divorced and laid off from my job in the same week. The job layoff was the hardest! My divorce was painful because of how it impacted our 7 year old son (he is now 14). But I was happy to get away. It took me 5 years to get it and I had to pay him all of my money and I pay him child support (we have split custody) and alimony. Welcome to equal rights!
I do not regret it, I love my life and my son says it was the best thing that ever happened.0 -
Yes, it was worth it in the end. The process sucked...but the kids are happier, and so am I. I had the opportunity to meet a wonderful man once the old baggage was gone.
Life is too short to be unhappy. But at the same time, you loved that person once, give it your best to figure out the problem and fix it. If it's unfixable you are better off apart.0
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