Marriage: Is it worth it?
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I love being married. It's a symbol of our commitment to one another, and that commitment is a profound statement of love for us. It touches my heart almost every day. I really could not imagine my life without her. Without marriage both of us would worry more, and probably be less happy in the world. We both do our own inner work to make sharing space and being a team more fruitful.
My mom read a book once about how all relationships create a downward spiral of decreasing 'value' for each person. Except for us, our lives are much better after 6+ years together, even on superficial levels. There are a lot of crap social expectations around being in a relationship, though. I feel grateful to have found someone who values similar things, and who is open to expanding her world view as she does mine.
To everyone single, I would say be yourself, and if you're looking for a partner, be the person who you would attract the partner you want. But of course, you can't control who you meet, and who they have met previously, so you have to know you may not get it.
Lastly, I was clear I wanted to find a partner to have a few kids, which I believe is more common/(i.e. easier) than those not so clear on the subject.
May you be happy!0 -
Depends on what you want. A figurative ball and chain that you cannot detach from without losing half (or more) of your assets OR a significant other that you can leave and keep your assets
I'm a total pessimist and believe that one or both parties in a relationship are eventually going to do something to warrant a separation. The reason my grandparents are still together after 40 something years is because they put up with one another's nonsense and/or turn a blind eye. I for one am completely unwilling to "put up" with any nonsense from a partner.
Then you have marriage... which derived from religious ceremony (according to anthropology). Marriage has some good qualities but in today's America, boys and girls are being raised in a society that promotes lying, cheating, stealing, and violence through TV, movies, and music. I can't expect someone to be honest anymore, so how could I expect someone to be faithful?
Wow. So jaded for someone so young. I'm sorry you haven't had good examples in your life. I don't raise my children to support lying, cheating, stealing or violence (and the TV doesn't raise them either). Yes, some people lie, but I honestly believe that "most" people are good honest people. I definitely believe my husband is, or I wouldn't have married him. My grandparents stayed together 60 years because they loved each other and supported each other. It wasn't easy (we found divorce papers, signed but never filed, when we cleaned out their house) but at the end they were each others everything. My grandfather was crushed when she died first, calling her his "bride" at the funeral.
Young, yes. Jaded, ehh not generally. I'm just pessimistic when it comes to human behavior, more specifically honesty and morality. To clarify, I didn't mean that the media raises our kids even though I made it sound that way! lol What I meant is that our social behavior is 100% learned and people are just not raising their children like they used to. Media, politics, and finance (the only 3 coming to mind at this moment) are consumed in lies. Ok, so your kids aren't exposed to dishonesty but eventually they will be exposed to people who were.... It's a snowball effect. Even if we raise our kids to have morals and be honest, we can't usually shield them from all outside influences. I've absolutely never known my mother to lie and so I believe that it is possible to be honest. I Just can't EXPECT it anymore, at least with my generation. I am positive that there are honest, benevolent people in this world but I don't necessarily want to take any more chances with my emotional or intimate stability. I learned my lesson after 3 years of having "faith".
I'm sorry to hear about your loss and it's great that they had a good life together
The first point I wanted to make was that married or not, your assets can still be at stake. I am in Canada, but I am aware that many states also recognize common law in the same respect so the fact you aren't legally married isn't exactly a factor. Now, tax wise, etc, it may be a different story. I'm talking asset wise.
The other point, I do see your point. I am pretty cynical. In my line of work, I see the worst of people on a daily basis. I deal with break ups on a regular basis. I see a lot of the bad stuff, the lying, cheating, etc. I prefer to think that there is still hope, that there are relationships like some have described here but its hard when you see so much, like how bad are the odds stacked against me. I am still a newlywed so I guess time will tell with me. I know most people don't go into it with the idea of breaking up and we have made that committment to each other. I love my husband. I can't imagine anyone else who I could spend my life with. He gets me, my good, but more importantly, my bad. We are best friends, as trite as that sounds, however, marriage still scares me.
I really don't know the laws for each state regarding common law (and I know nothing about Cananda's) however my sister in Ohio lived with a man for 17+- years and they were legally married under common law. When they split, they just moved into separate houses. No divorce, no mediation... I'm not positive how that works but I don't think it is as concrete as an actual marriage certificate.
I wish you and your husband the best of luck and perpetual happiness! 0 -
I've been happily cohabiting with my long-term boyfriend for over eight months and we've talked marriage. I would be incredibly happy to have him put a ring on it! 0
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I loved reading this post. So many people complain about spouses (not just here, but everywhere) and it's nice to see someone who is happy in their marriage. I've been married for 3 1/2 years and we are about to have our first child. I know having children is going to be difficult for our marriage, but we are optimistic and already in a good place.0
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It's not for me. I just don't think it's necessary. It's a religious thing originating from the idea that a woman is property that is transferred from her father to her husband. I can make emotional commitments without that. Plus, I'm not interested in monogamy anyway, so that makes marriage seem all the more pointless.0
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I really don't know the laws for each state regarding common law (and I know nothing about Cananda's) however my sister in Ohio lived with a man for 17+- years and they were legally married under common law. When they split, they just moved into separate houses. No divorce, no mediation... I'm not positive how that works but I don't think it is as concrete as an actual marriage certificate.
I wish you and your husband the best of luck and perpetual happiness!
I wasn't really clear, I was referring to the point of assets being at stake. Yes, you are right, without the marriage certificate you can just separate and when you both agree to division of assets. In a marriage you can pretty much do the same thing, except you still have to legally divorce.
However, if you both don't agree to the division of assets, that's where I am coming from. Assuming they owned a home, your sister would have been entitled to part of the value of the home and other assets whether they were married or not. Obviously they worked it out themselves. Married couples can as well.0 -
Tell me some good things about being married!
It needn't be a life sentence. Made the mistake once, got betrayed, won't be making the mistake again0 -
This post was in response to one asking if divorce was worth it, but it was just to show that marriages or similar long term relationships can be good too. I wasn't implying that all marriages are good and that all people need to stay married no matter the circumstances.
I'm glad to see a lot of others are happily married as well. :flowerforyou:0 -
I will be married 24 years in December. We have had our ups and downs like any marriage but it is so worth it. It isn't perfect and sometimes you have to make sacrifices but that is what love is all about. I am fortunate to have a wonderful wife and even more fortunate she puts up with me:laugh:0
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This is a good topic. I have been married 19 years and am not attracted to my wife we have 3 girls together my youngest is 13, anyway. I have tried several times to leave but got the guilt trip and I couldn't just walk out and leave her to have to deal with everything. I want to see her with someone who can love her the same way. I just can't. Last time I said I wanted out she told me she had a dream that she was on her motorcycle and drove it into a semi truck on the highway. She has completely let herself go she doesn't care how she looks she is not the same person I married 19 years ago. she is about 200=+ lbs and I have tried to help her lose wgt but she just doesn't put in any effort. We get along great we never fight Im just not attracted to her. I pretty much work 40-50 hours a week in overtime because I would rather be here than home.. My biggest thing is seeing her break down when I say I want out
Have you tried to encourage her to seek treatment for depression? Not that it would make you want to stay but it would be better for everyone including your children.0 -
Tell me some good things about being married! There seems to be so much bitterness. Or maybe there's a larger concentration of divorced people on MFP. Married people are fat and happy
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My husband and I will have been together 12 years in January, married 9.5 years. We have 3 kids. We've had some hard times, periods with lots of fighting over stupid stuff. Having babies is hard on a marriage especially when no one is sleeping. But we've really come to a good place. He supported me (financially and emotionally) through four rough years of grad school. He takes care of the kids when I travel for work. I support him in his endurance mountain bike racing hobby, long training hours, lots of travel for races. The sex is great. The romance and affection are awesome. The kids are at a good stable, less stressful place. We do fun things together as a family, and as a couple. He's a good friend, a good "roommate", a good co-parent, an excellent lover, etc. I don't know. I just really like being married right now.
:flowerforyou:
You are a very lucky woman. 0 -
Tell me some good things about being married!
It needn't be a life sentence. Made the mistake once, got betrayed, won't be making the mistake again
So, because one person "betrayed" you, then all others would naturally do the same? :huh:0 -
Financially it's been worth it.0
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to answer the question.....no!0
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I have mixed feelings. I got married at 18 and had my daughter three months after turning 20. I feel like I made some really life altering decisions before I was capable of understanding all of their ramifications. My husband and I have grown so much in almost 10 years, but we don't seem to be growing together, if not in different directions.
I cant help but think if I had waited, would I have done things differently? Should I have given myself more time to learn about myself, the world, other people? I love my husband so much in the way that he is my closest family member, I never want to see him hurt, I want to help him in any endeavor that he pursues, I want him to be happy.
But am I "in love" with him?.... not really sure.0 -
My husband & I have been married for 20 yrs and together for 40 yrs. We didn't think it necessary to be married and bound together because of piece of paper, and as we got "older" and realized the problems if one of us were to get sick and/or die. To have no rights or input if the other is hospitalized & to let the government have our benefits if we died single was ridiculous. Why not cover each other, we had no intentions of being with other people anyway. I've been very happy with my choice . . . I don't take divorce lightly we've had alot of rocky roads along the way. The way I look at it, you only get divorced if there is physical or mental abuse, and I feel marriage is a once in a lifetime thing.0
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I have been married for going on 14 yrs.....
Sometimes I do wonder if it is worth it.....
There are good times and there are bad times......
And plenty of times I don't think she wants to be in it......
I guess I have yet to make a final decision.......
Wish there was some magical book or something that has all the answers. :bigsmile:
Also is search of magical book0 -
I have mixed feelings. I got married at 18 and had my daughter three months after turning 20. I feel like I made some really life altering decisions before I was capable of understanding all of their ramifications. My husband and I have grown so much in almost 10 years, but we don't seem to be growing together, if not in different directions.
I cant help but think if I had waited, would I have done things differently? Should I have given myself more time to learn about myself, the world, other people? I love my husband so much in the way that he is my closest family member, I never want to see him hurt, I want to help him in any endeavor that he pursues, I want him to be happy.
But am I "in love" with him?.... not really sure.
Dang, does he know?0 -
I'm not against marriage, i just don't see the point. You can love and commit to someone with out buying them a ring. I've been with my girl friend for 5 years, and we've both expressed that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. She doesn't care about marriage as well, so not much of a point, if she did want to get married I also wouldn't have a problem with it and i'd be doing it for her.0
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Tell me some good things about being married!
It needn't be a life sentence. Made the mistake once, got betrayed, won't be making the mistake again
So, because one person "betrayed" you, then all others would naturally do the same? :huh:
Seems a fair enough assumption 0 -
Tell me some good things about being married!
It needn't be a life sentence. Made the mistake once, got betrayed, won't be making the mistake again
So, because one person "betrayed" you, then all others would naturally do the same? :huh:
Seems a fair enough assumption
Well, we always find what we expect to find, so enjoy. :drinker:0
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