Angry at husband for refusing to take care of his body
Replies
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people change in their own time...and some never do. I went a handful of years with bad blood work, etc before I made any changes. I was a heavy smoker (2-3 PAD) heavy drinker, and heavy eater...and nothing was going to change that except for me...my wife never nagged me though she would tell me her concerns from time to time...but nagging would have just caused me to tune her out completely.
Ultimately, I changed because I wanted it...that is all0 -
oh he WILL take care of his body, once you are so bloody hot that everyone is looking at you.
he will want to keep you.
Word. hahaaaa0 -
Also, my husband has offered sexual favors for every 2 pounds lost.
I think I'd be losing weight a LOT faster if I had such a good incentive.0 -
There's been a lot of this lately...
And it always makes me wonder how the wives would feel if their husbands were posting personal issues about their marriage on the internet.0 -
The best thing you can tell him is that you love him and want as much time with him as you can get. Take care of yourself by eating right, exercising and being a positive role model. Your example will be a much greater influence than telling him what he should or should not be eating. I don't want to jump on you for nagging because I understand that it comes from a good place. However, people ultimately change because they want to and not because someone else wants them to. I'm a guy and I haven't met too many of us that respond well to someone telling us what to do. That may mean we are stubborn, even stupid in some cases but I think what you are really after is strengthening your marriage by helping each other and striving for common goals in all aspects of the relationship. IMHO our job as spouses is to be a hero for our partner not their mothers or their conscience.
BTW, My wife and I have been married for 34 years and we recently have lost over 50 lbs between us. She started, I followed. Neither one of us has told the other what to eat. We just high-five each other on the successful days. Which, have been increasingly more often than not. Good Luck.
Very wise man!!!0 -
Those who are suggesting my marriage is not happy- if I weren't happy, I wouldn't give a crap about his health. We have a wonderful relationship and are best friends. I know his shortcomings and I know I agreed to accept and live with them when we got married. I do that well, for the few other flaws that he has that bug me (there aren't many).This, however, hits a particular nerve in me when I get lab results for him that are this bad. I DO NOT want to lose him until he's really, really old. I have seen the HORRIBLE things that diabetes does to people. I can't stand the thought of him going through all of that.
Don't nag him. I have the same problem with my spouse.0 -
Also, my husband has offered sexual favors for every 2 pounds lost.
I think I'd be losing weight a LOT faster if I had such a good incentive.
BAHAAAAA0 -
There's been a lot of this lately...
And it always makes me wonder how the wives would feel if their husbands were posting personal issues about their marriage on the internet.
I'm gonna lean towards 'not very pleased'.0 -
Wow great first post! We have a winner!The best thing you can tell him is that you love him and want as much time with him as you can get. Take care of yourself by eating right, exercising and being a positive role model. Your example will be a much greater influence than telling him what he should or should not be eating. I don't want to jump on you for nagging because I understand that it comes from a good place. However, people ultimately change because they want to and not because someone else wants them to. I'm a guy and I haven't met too many of us that respond well to someone telling us what to do. That may mean we are stubborn, even stupid in some cases but I think what you are really after is strengthening your marriage by helping each other and striving for common goals in all aspects of the relationship. IMHO our job as spouses is to be a hero for our partner not their mothers or their conscience.
BTW, My wife and I have been married for 34 years and we recently have lost over 50 lbs between us. She started, I followed. Neither one of us has told the other what to eat. We just high-five each other on the successful days. Which, have been increasingly more often than not. Good Luck.0 -
My husband does it and I don't mind. He doesn't have a lot of friends, and none of the ones he has are married or have children and so he reached out for help to people who may have gone through the same thing. Of course we also talk to each other and discuss things, but I have no problem for him seeking out third party advice and some advice he has gotten was amazing and made our marriage stronger.There's been a lot of this lately...
And it always makes me wonder how the wives would feel if their husbands were posting personal issues about their marriage on the internet.
I'm gonna lean towards 'not very pleased'.0 -
He will not change until he is ready to change, and no amount of nagging from you will change that.
Sit him down. Tell him that you would like his support in YOUR effort to eat better (a wee bit of reverse psychology). Ask him if he would like to join you on a walk, that you feel safer with his company, etc... MOTIVATE, don't alienate. If he says he'll get on the eliptical after you, then encourage him to do so. Talk about how good you feel, how much energy you have. Next time he complains about being tired, talk about how you were surprised about the amount of energy you had after your last workout.
You do have influence in the kitchen, don't underestimate that!! If you're the main chef, make healthy meals. YOU know portion control, and have the ability to control yourself. He doesn't. Help him with that. Don't just expect him to know. You may not be his mother, but you have the responsibility as his wife to help him out, especially if you want children and a long healthy marriage.
Believe me, I get it. My husband was 140lbs when we married. He's put on almost 80lbs in 12 years. I know it was my bad habits that helped contribute to that. Did I force the food down his throat? Nope. Could I have made many many better choices, since I took on the responsibility of the cooking chores? You bet your *kitten* I could have. Habits take time and motivation to change. I'm working on it. It's taken 5 years to get him to eat brocolli without whining!! But he does it!
Just saying. Help him anyway you can. If you want a long, healthy life with him, do whatever it takes to get him there. It's not a burden. It's your joy, your love. Wouldn't you want him to help you and be supportive of you, if the situation were reversed?0 -
And also, I don't think that there's anything wrong with asking your spouse to change something that really bothers you. I know it's the current "politically correct" thing to say that people shouldn't try to change other people and to rant that "desperate" or "stupid" women are always marrying men and then trying to "fix" them. But come on, really? You are only hearing this one complaint that I have about my husband and some of you have decided that my marriage fits into the above-listed stereotype and that I probably shouldn't have married the guy.
That's ridiculous. It's okay, in my opinion, to ask your spouse to change something for you, especially if it's something self-destructive. And throwing someone aside instead of marrying them because of a single flaw when you love them tremendously and they are a good, kind person, is just stupid. So yes, I married him, and I will stay married to him.
And FYI, he also believes there is nothing wrong with asking your spouse to change something if it bothers you.0 -
From experience-lead by example and keep your mouth shut. My husband's cholesterol numbers were high and he was on his way to being a diabetic. Having his doctor and employer tell him this didn't change anything, because he just wasn't ready.
Last fall I started losing weight because my own health was deteriorating. After a year of focusing on me, being positive about the whole thing (I never ever complained about 'dieting'), and being successful with losing the weight and now maintaining-a month ago out of the blue my husband told me he wanted to lose some weight. I had to scrape my jaw off the floor lol. I supported him in his decision, as he's done for me, but I let him take control and he chose a way that worked for him (which was different than how I approached weight loss). This morning he hit a new low and has lost a little over 10lbs. He's doing it on his own terms and out of a desire to do this for himself. My role is be supportive but not be pushy or become a nag. That won't work and will cause more problems. Being an example is the biggest thing you can do-they are watching us!
THIS!
When he is ready to change, he will. You cannot create the desire in him. It has to be his decision or he won't keep the weight off anyway. Remember why you chose him.0 -
This all happened since September?0
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This all happened since September?
Seems she got married and pretty much immediately started demanding that he change.0 -
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no one likes the food police or the exercise police. it's very hard.
i have a similar husband.0 -
You only just got married, give the guy a break else you'll be divorced before you know it!
You're his wife not his mother. Just generally be more active and eat healthier as a couple and drop the nagging.0 -
I just got married in September, and at 46, my husband is slightly overweight and is becoming very unhealthy. I just looked at his lab results from his recent check-up and he's pre-diabetic and has high cholesterol. I want to have at least 40 years with him, and I DON'T want him to become diabetic and lose limbs, have ED, have to inject himself with insulin, etc.
His sugar crashes are AWFUL when he goes too long without eating. He's grumpy, forgetful, etc. I have diabetics in my family and I've seen the terrible damage it does and how badly it brings down the quality of your life.
The thing is, he "talks" change, but does nothing. I get on the elliptical and he says he'll get on after I'm done, but then he gets busy doing something else and doesn't do it. He eats HUGE portions of food, especially carbs, and he's a chocolate junkie.
I could, since I'm really the only one who cooks, make only healthy meals that he won't be tempted to eat too much of, but I think he should just learn damn portion control. For example, tonight I'm making tuna and noodles and a vegetable. My kids love it, and I know how to eat only a small portion (like a cup) and fill up on vegetables. My husband, however, will eat a HUGE plate, and a tiny dollop of vegetables. Plus he'll drink a big glass of orange juice with it. I'll drink water or unsweetened tea. I don't think it's fair to have to make only "health foods" just so that he doesn't have to worry about trying to control himself.
Plus, I'm angry that he leaves it all to me. I don't want to have to tell him to work out or tell him to only eat so much of something or only make certain foods. He's a grown man, and should be able to self-monitor.
We are trying to have a baby, and I want him to be around well into old age to see that child grow up! I love him so much that it angers me that he cares so little about his own health.
Should I nag him? I remind him to work out but then don't get on his case if he doesn't, because I don't want to seem like a controlling bi#*ch. I don't say anything when he overeats, but I frequently remind him he should eat less carbs (because of the blood sugar issues) and more vegetables and protein. But I haven't come down on him hard, it's just been suggestions.
As a side note, I AM attracted to him, so I'm not doing this because I want a hotter husband. I do think it would improve my desire for him some though if he were a bit slimmer and more muscular. It's not that big of a deal though, more like a "wouldn't it be nice" type of wish than anything. I mostly want him to be healthy!
Please, any suggestions would be appreciated.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO you're question is should you nag him? The answer is NOPE. You can't change him. Period.0 -
Obviously you're allowed to feel frustrated at his lack of desire to be healthier. However...
If:
-He doesn't feel the same way you do
-And, he understands why you're frustrated but has decided that it's health and his choice, and he's not going to change
Then:
You get to accept that fact and move on, for the sake of your own sanity if nothing else. I guess the alternative is that you could eventually get divorced if its that big of a deal. Being annoyed/frustrated/mad at someone (even if you're "right") doesn't mean anything if they simply don't make the choice to change. I'd guess that people *wanting* their spouses to *want* the same thing they do is a leading cause of stupid fights in most relationships, even if the heart of the issue is serious and important.
Or put another way, welcome to marriage.0 -
And also, I don't think that there's anything wrong with asking your spouse to change something that really bothers you. I know it's the current "politically correct" thing to say that people shouldn't try to change other people and to rant that "desperate" or "stupid" women are always marrying men and then trying to "fix" them. But come on, really? You are only hearing this one complaint that I have about my husband and some of you have decided that my marriage fits into the above-listed stereotype and that I probably shouldn't have married the guy.
That's ridiculous. It's okay, in my opinion, to ask your spouse to change something for you, especially if it's something self-destructive. And throwing someone aside instead of marrying them because of a single flaw when you love them tremendously and they are a good, kind person, is just stupid. So yes, I married him, and I will stay married to him.
And FYI, he also believes there is nothing wrong with asking your spouse to change something if it bothers you.
Then you have your answer -- ask him to change, and if he won't, he won't. If you already did and he won't, he won't. If you switch it to nagging and misery, he won't. He will change when he's ready and wants to.0 -
As far as cooking healthy meals for him? Don't serve him pasta. A serving of pasta is only half a cup and no man is going to eat half a cup of pasta for dinner! If you serve healthy foods with less calories he can fill his plate without feeling like you are starving him.
I've really seen a change in my BF his portion sizes have gone dramatically down, and I'd venture to guess he eats about a half cup to a cup of pasta.
We both needed to get healthier. I started, but he followed. I of course I've got a lot more to lose, and a million more issues with food then he does.
However, he's gone from 240lbs to 180lbs. Cut out his beloved Dr. Peppers and replaced with diet. Eats small lunches usually a meat, chips, and something else from the fridge. Our dinners are usually a salad, some kind of starch, and protein. Once again the portions sizes he can handle have changed so much when before he could eat a whole pork steak, now he only eats half. A T-Bone steak now it's only half. We split a medium baked potato the other day because we couldnt handle the whole things.
I think a man can very well reduce his portions and be satisfied, and still enjoy his pasta, steak, and ice cream.
sorry anytime i get to brag on my man i will very proud of him for the changes he's made0 -
I love the idea of doing active things together as a family. My husband and I hire a sitter and bike together. Then we go out to eat. We do a lot of active things as a family together. I've gained 30 pounds after 10 years and four kids together. Never once has he nagged me to be the svelt woman he married. He has loved me through thick (literally) and thin. I appreciate and love that about him so much.0
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We can't force people to change if they don't want it at it doesn't seems that he does. If you will get too pushy you will just make him feel like crap. You might say "I love you and I want you to be healthy" but what most people hear is "You are fat, ugly and unattractive. I don't love you for who you are. I'm healthy so I'm better than you." Even if not with logic then if you get too pushy this is prolly how you will make him feel. And he will think "Oh crap, she does not like me, I better ate more to make myself feel better". This is what too pushy attitude does...
Also like other people here said, you knew he was like that when you married him. So you liked him for who he was how about remembering that?
Anyhow. Whatever you do DO NOT TRY TO FORCE IT on him. The best you can do is infect him with it and try to sneak it up. Infecting by buing healthy foods and being an example And sneaking up, well, for example going for a bike ride together and having a fun time, instead of forcing him to walk on boring treadmill. Like that you will be spending time together, having FUN time and it won't feel like work. He will feel good instead of fat man who needs to lose weight! Also he likes to at huge meals and he likes tasty stuff, right? So if you put in enough time and work you can make healthy foods what are fairly low in cals and still tasty. FOOL HIM!
This is what we do with our kids. Make it fun, make it tasty so they enjoy it. Instead of forcing them and making them cry. So just threat him as kid. And I know he is an adult man. But trust me, simple tactics what works on kids works on adults too. Cos we all are kids inside. It's just we never use these tactics anymore cos it's too much of a hassle.
Think about it. What you do when kid crys and screams - speak with them calmly and in loving voice and pretend everything is ok. Can it work when adult is angry or screams at you? OF COURSE! Can you make adult ate something if you make it tasty and colorful? OF COURSE! Can you make adult do something boring they hate if you make it fun and A GAME for them? Of course! Our psychology is the same! Emotion patterns don't change with age.
Anyways, don't be pushy, be smart. And love him for who he is. Enjoy the time you have NOW cos you might get him healthy and plane might crash tomorrow, ya know? So "hakuna matata". Good luck! ^^
PS. Pardon on my grammar, English is not my native language. ^^0 -
So he's gone downhill in the last two months you've been married? REALLY? That sounds a little extreme. More like he is annoying you after a couple of months of marriage which is not a good sign at all. As if you didn't know his habits before you married him? Also, if you were a GOOD partner, you would do whatever you could to help your partner from a place of love. You portray yourself in your post as if are not a very nice person and that you may need to work on yourself. Yes you should be making healthy food and only have good food in your house to help support him. You should ask him to take walks with you and help him out with the "doing things" so he feels like he can spend the time to workout. Yes you should support him with loving encouragement and love him for him instead of being nasty rather than expecting him to just turn into you with your habits. It amazes me that horrible people can express how horrible they are in writing and then still not see just how horrible they are. He deserves someone who will love and support him. You need to worry about fixing yourself and your take on what marriage should be first. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I think you need a SERIOUS wakeup call.0
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Has he just been diagnosed pre-diabetic? Has he had any nutritional counselling? I got sent to a course for pre-diabetics that included nutritional advice, exercise tips, drug info and other stuff. Has he got a glucose meter? Does he use it??
Prediabetes sucks, but it is controllable through diet and exercise. I've only had to change a few habits to manage mine.
Bottom line - you both probably need some education/support in managing this condition. And if you do all the cooking then yes, it falls on you to cook meals he can eat. Mostly though, it's just smaller portions of things like pasta, and switching out that OJ for water.
But yeah - don't nag, and don't be angry.0 -
Work this out before you have kids.0
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And also, I don't think that there's anything wrong with asking your spouse to change something that really bothers you. I know it's the current "politically correct" thing to say that people shouldn't try to change other people and to rant that "desperate" or "stupid" women are always marrying men and then trying to "fix" them. But come on, really? You are only hearing this one complaint that I have about my husband and some of you have decided that my marriage fits into the above-listed stereotype and that I probably shouldn't have married the guy.
That's ridiculous. It's okay, in my opinion, to ask your spouse to change something for you, especially if it's something self-destructive. And throwing someone aside instead of marrying them because of a single flaw when you love them tremendously and they are a good, kind person, is just stupid. So yes, I married him, and I will stay married to him.
And FYI, he also believes there is nothing wrong with asking your spouse to change something if it bothers you.
There's nothing wrong with asking him to change.
There's also nothing wrong with him saying 'no' whether verbally or through his actions.
Accept 'no' and move on. Worry about yourself, 'cause that's all you have control over anyway.
You did your job. Anything more is nagging or mothering.0 -
To the OP...my husband is 31 and after we got married he got a physical for a new job..
High blood pressure I mean really high and he is 31...his uncles all died of heart attacks before they were thirty...well except the alcoholic he died of one when he quit drinking...sorry got off point.
Anyway he comes home and one of his favorite meals is the following:
Deep fried FF
Gravy with mozza cheese in the gravy
Sausage in the gravy (big huge sausage chunks)
Then put cheese on the fries and then pour the sausage and cheese laden gravy on those fries with cheese.
I don't nag, don't suggest I don't do any thing...except I eat better, exercise and guess what...
AMG he follows suit...imagine that.
To the poster who's husband gave the incentive of sex for every two pounds...Yah no....I would kill mine if he kept it from me for an entire month...jeeez unless you mean "extra just for you"....now that is an incentive:drinker:0 -
I was in the same kind of boat as you are, my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer stage IIIb and still decided to smoke...talk about huge fights, I finally just gave up and he finally quit.....needless to say he is a 6 year survivor after given 6months to a year to live....
so in other words, adults have their right to do what they want, even if it isn't right in our eyes...it is their life....so don't nag him, it will only do more harm...let him figure it out!
best of luck!0
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