Angry at husband for refusing to take care of his body
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Emotional response to fear of losing spouse is normal. Frustration over inability to change the course yourself is normal.
Hopefully he makes the right choice. Good luck OP.
Thank you for understanding. I'm scared, period, which leads to feeling frustrated that he hasn't worked harder to change. Yes, I knew he was a little chubby and seemed to have some blood-sugar lows before I married him, but I really didn't know it was pre-diabetes or that he had such high cholesterol. Of course, I still would have married him even if I had known that. I don't like the idea people seem to be insinuating here that if you knew something about your spouse before you got married and then married them anyway, then you absolutely must keep your mouth shut about it after. One, I didn't know the full extent of the problem, and two, I think that when you exchange vows promising to love and honor and cherish one another, you're vowing to also try to be your best (within reason) for your partner. So me asking him to get healthier should not equate to me being some horrible person/spouse.
As a follow up, I got home and he had read his lab results online as well and was just as shocked and worried. We had a heart to heart and I told him how it felt to see relatives lose legs, be dependent on insulin, have heart attacks and strokes with agonizing recoveries, invasive surgeries, etc.
I also expressed frustration that I don't want to have to be the one to balance everyone's nutritional wants and needs (like figuring out whether or not to keep snacks around for the kids when I know he's going to overeat them, planning and preparing meals that will keep them happy and him healthy, etc.- there are lots of issues). We agreed that we need to work on balancing things together.
Also, my "should I nag" question had more to do with the fact that I don't WANT to nag, and I avoid it in almost the extreme- to the point where I wonder if I am assertive enough or not. That's why I was asking if I need to be more direct in asking him to change, rather than "suggesting" healthier things.
But people read into what I wrote way too much and assumed that I'm a naggy, pushy woman hell bent on "fixing" my husband. One person even said I'm shallow for wanting him to lose weight. He's not even that overweight, and I AM attracted to him....Sheesh. That'll teach me to ask for advice in a public forum!
I sincerely hope so! The only ones who can solve your problems are your husband and yourself. Asking for advice on public forums for marriage problems is really not the way to go.0 -
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I just got married in September, and at 46, my husband is slightly overweight and is becoming very unhealthy. I just looked at his lab results from his recent check-up and he's pre-diabetic and has high cholesterol. I want to have at least 40 years with him, and I DON'T want him to become diabetic and lose limbs, have ED, have to inject himself with insulin, etc.
He's 46 - those things didn't develop since your wedding in September - if health and fitness are that important to you, why did you marry him when you already knew he wasn't healthy?
I'm sorry, but this sounds very much like "mwahahaha...now I can work on changing him into what I *actually* want..."0 -
Get thee to marriage counseling. There are a LOT of different issues going on here according to your post.
Is one of those issues seeking attention from approval while badmouthing your significant other behind his back? Not sure how counseling would help that since he will be there to hear these "issues".
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I just got married in September, and at 46, my husband is slightly overweight and is becoming very unhealthy. I just looked at his lab results from his recent check-up and he's pre-diabetic and has high cholesterol. I want to have at least 40 years with him, and I DON'T want him to become diabetic and lose limbs, have ED, have to inject himself with insulin, etc.
He's 46 - those things didn't develop since your wedding in September - if health and fitness are that important to you, why did you marry him when you already knew he wasn't healthy?
I'm sorry, but this sounds very much like "mwahahaha...now I can work on changing him into what I *actually* want..."
See my reply to another poster for the answer to that question:
20157577_9795_thumb jennk5309 Selector
Joined Mar 2012
Posts: 27
November 21, 2013 3:28 pm
QUOTE:
Emotional response to fear of losing spouse is normal. Frustration over inability to change the course yourself is normal.
Hopefully he makes the right choice. Good luck OP.
Thank you for understanding. I'm scared, period, which leads to feeling frustrated that he hasn't worked harder to change. Yes, I knew he was a little chubby and seemed to have some blood-sugar lows before I married him, but I really didn't know it was pre-diabetes or that he had such high cholesterol. Of course, I still would have married him even if I had known that. I don't like the idea people seem to be insinuating here that if you knew something about your spouse before you got married and then married them anyway, then you absolutely must keep your mouth shut about it after. One, I didn't know the full extent of the problem, and two, I think that when you exchange vows promising to love and honor and cherish one another, you're vowing to also try to be your best (within reason) for your partner. So me asking him to get healthier should not equate to me being some horrible person/spouse.
As a follow up, I got home and he had read his lab results online as well and was just as shocked and worried. We had a heart to heart and I told him how it felt to see relatives lose legs, be dependent on insulin, have heart attacks and strokes with agonizing recoveries, invasive surgeries, etc.
I also expressed frustration that I don't want to have to be the one to balance everyone's nutritional wants and needs (like figuring out whether or not to keep snacks around for the kids when I know he's going to overeat them, planning and preparing meals that will keep them happy and him healthy, etc.- there are lots of issues). We agreed that we need to work on balancing things together.
Also, my "should I nag" question had more to do with the fact that I don't WANT to nag, and I avoid it in almost the extreme- to the point where I wonder if I am assertive enough or not. That's why I was asking if I need to be more direct in asking him to change, rather than "suggesting" healthier things.
But people read into what I wrote way too much and assumed that I'm a naggy, pushy woman hell bent on "fixing" my husband. One person even said I'm shallow for wanting him to lose weight. He's not even that overweight, and I AM attracted to him....Sheesh. That'll teach me to ask for advice in a public forum!0 -
Hey! I'm glad y'all talked it over! I hope his problems are all reversible, and y'all work together to help him be healthy.
And yes, asking for advice about a relationship online is almost never a good idea. Usually things are far too complex to relate in a post.0 -
I say nag away .. sometimes it takes the ones that love us to kick us in the *** and get us on the right road.
If you don't push him he is not likely to do it himself .. but probably he will resist until such time that he is ready to do it.
But I am a very anal person .... and when I set my mind at doing something, I do it and am successful at it.
So .. hope he will see the light someday. But til then .. it does sound like a sad situation for you, and him.0 -
I think it would be nice if you did think of ways to balance what the kids need and what he needs, etc. I know it's a PITA in a normal situation, but you can't very well talk about being afraid of someone losing limbs and then not want to avoid making mac n' cheese, you know?
There are lots of great snacks for kids that pre-diabetics can eat, too. Pasta is not the best thing to offer for most dinners, either, lol. Man, I love me some pasta! I'm pre-diabetic now, too. It would be really hard to only eat a tiny bit of pasta for dinner. Better to have chicken or turkey or something in the first place, I think.
I don't know what his portion control needs to be, but my new blood monitor shows that I need to basically avoid some foods most of the time. I could not eat a healthy amount of calories for dinner if it were pasta. I'd need a veggie stir fry that had a few pieces of pasta thrown in, more likely
Don't make it harder for him than it needs to be if you are really trying to be cooperative (and very healthy yourself). 'Portion size' might not cut it by itself, so start from a different point and help get certain foods off the main menu, imho. Sorry!0 -
You know, i went thru this.....and i realized i didnt want to be that kind of wife. It didnt help matters and it made us both cranky. What i did do however, was worry about ME. That is the only person i am in control of and who i can change. My husband has worse health issues than your husband. I wish he would change for his health sake but its totally up to him. I can only cook healthy meals and make sure when i grocery shop i bring the right things into the house. What he eats on the outside is on him. He will get to the gym when its important to him. I can only hope that one day i will inspire him enough to try again. I knew what i got when i married him.
I suggest that you take a step back and prepare your meals as healthy as possable for your family and make enough for the meal and serve him his serving size. Make sure there are healthy snacks in the house or make them into single serve sizes. Also, maybe after dinner you could suggest an after dinner walk or something to get him a little more active. If he realizes its important to you in a non threatening way it may help. Dont give him dirty looks when he over eats or make snide comments...they hurt and they dont help at all. I say this from experience. You also wouldnt like it if the tables were turned.
Good luck on all that!0 -
Well sit him down and ask him to get a very good insurance policy to protect you and the kids. Since he is not willing to take care of his health, the least he can do is make sure you don't end up homeless if/ when he die.
Lol! I like the way you think!0 -
Why did you marry him if there is so much wrong with him? You can't change anyone but you and shouldnt expect him to change unless he wants to. My husband and I are doing this together, he isn't logging just yet but he is eating what I eat and in portion control, on his own. It is up to your husband to change his lifestyle but you can control what goes on the table and if it means you put low carb/calorie food on the table then so be it. What works for you is not always going to work for the next guy.0
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And also, I don't think that there's anything wrong with asking your spouse to change something that really bothers you. I know it's the current "politically correct" thing to say that people shouldn't try to change other people and to rant that "desperate" or "stupid" women are always marrying men and then trying to "fix" them. But come on, really? You are only hearing this one complaint that I have about my husband and some of you have decided that my marriage fits into the above-listed stereotype and that I probably shouldn't have married the guy.
That's ridiculous. It's okay, in my opinion, to ask your spouse to change something for you, especially if it's something self-destructive. And throwing someone aside instead of marrying them because of a single flaw when you love them tremendously and they are a good, kind person, is just stupid. So yes, I married him, and I will stay married to him.
And FYI, he also believes there is nothing wrong with asking your spouse to change something if it bothers you.
It isn't the politically correct thing, happy marriages are marriage where you both accept the other and don't try to change them. We have been married for 28 years and both have had bad habits that bother the other person throughout this time. We have change our habits because we we wanted to not because we were guilted or pressured or nagged into it. We took into account the other person request for change but ultimately we made our bad habit s go away because we wanted to.0 -
You know, i went thru this.....and i realized i didnt want to be that kind of wife. It didnt help matters and it made us both cranky. What i did do however, was worry about ME. That is the only person i am in control of and who i can change. My husband has worse health issues than your husband. I wish he would change for his health sake but its totally up to him. I can only cook healthy meals and make sure when i grocery shop i bring the right things into the house. What he eats on the outside is on him. He will get to the gym when its important to him. I can only hope that one day i will inspire him enough to try again. I knew what i got when i married him.
I suggest that you take a step back and prepare your meals as healthy as possable for your family and make enough for the meal and serve him his serving size. Make sure there are healthy snacks in the house or make them into single serve sizes. Also, maybe after dinner you could suggest an after dinner walk or something to get him a little more active. If he realizes its important to you in a non threatening way it may help. Dont give him dirty looks when he over eats or make snide comments...they hurt and they dont help at all. I say this from experience. You also wouldnt like it if the tables were turned.
Good luck on all that!
^this!! I'd say try to have one big sit-down conversation where you explain to him how hard it was to see other people go through diabities, and how much it scares you that he might be in that situation, but then stop. Just the one big talk, and from then on, don't talk - inspire! Cook carb-free meals and limit the junk that's in the house, but let him be his own person and decide whether to step it up and look after himself responsibly, or not.0 -
Married less than three months and you're already fuming because your husband isn't changing to suit you. Well, aren't you a doll.0
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Should I nag him?
Please, any suggestions would be appreciated.
NO. :noway:
It will not make you feel good and it won't make him feel good, either.0 -
I just got married in September, and at 46, my husband is slightly overweight and is becoming very unhealthy. I just looked at his lab results from his recent check-up and he's pre-diabetic and has high cholesterol. I want to have at least 40 years with him, and I DON'T want him to become diabetic and lose limbs, have ED, have to inject himself with insulin, etc.
His sugar crashes are AWFUL when he goes too long without eating. He's grumpy, forgetful, etc. I have diabetics in my family and I've seen the terrible damage it does and how badly it brings down the quality of your life.
The thing is, he "talks" change, but does nothing. I get on the elliptical and he says he'll get on after I'm done, but then he gets busy doing something else and doesn't do it. He eats HUGE portions of food, especially carbs, and he's a chocolate junkie.
I could, since I'm really the only one who cooks, make only healthy meals that he won't be tempted to eat too much of, but I think he should just learn damn portion control. For example, tonight I'm making tuna and noodles and a vegetable. My kids love it, and I know how to eat only a small portion (like a cup) and fill up on vegetables. My husband, however, will eat a HUGE plate, and a tiny dollop of vegetables. Plus he'll drink a big glass of orange juice with it. I'll drink water or unsweetened tea. I don't think it's fair to have to make only "health foods" just so that he doesn't have to worry about trying to control himself.
Plus, I'm angry that he leaves it all to me. I don't want to have to tell him to work out or tell him to only eat so much of something or only make certain foods. He's a grown man, and should be able to self-monitor.
We are trying to have a baby, and I want him to be around well into old age to see that child grow up! I love him so much that it angers me that he cares so little about his own health.
Should I nag him? I remind him to work out but then don't get on his case if he doesn't, because I don't want to seem like a controlling bi#*ch. I don't say anything when he overeats, but I frequently remind him he should eat less carbs (because of the blood sugar issues) and more vegetables and protein. But I haven't come down on him hard, it's just been suggestions.
As a side note, I AM attracted to him, so I'm not doing this because I want a hotter husband. I do think it would improve my desire for him some though if he were a bit slimmer and more muscular. It's not that big of a deal though, more like a "wouldn't it be nice" type of wish than anything. I mostly want him to be healthy!
Please, any suggestions would be appreciated.
How long before you got married did you date him?
Was he always this way?0 -
I've been married for 11 years and trust me, it does no good to get angry. I know it's frustrating though. My husband went to the doctor at 360 pounds, found to have high cholesterol and high blood pressure and the doctor didn't tell him to try to lose weight. So because of that he thinks he's just fine to eat all the McDonalds, doughnuts(dozen), and cookies (boxes) he wants as long as he takes his pills.0
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Honestly, why not go full on Controlling B*t©h? The only thing worse than a Controlling B•t©h is a Passive-Aggressive Controlling B•t©h. If you have to have things your way, make him toe the line or else. Bully him. It'll totally work, trust me, I read it on the Internet. :flowerforyou:0
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Just going to say that as the sugar-holic in my house, I'd love to put the blame on my wife for not making 'healthy' meals, but its my problem, and until I can OWN it, I can't fix it.
Same for your man, you can offer to help, but if he can't give up the chocolate... going to be a long ride.0 -
He's an adult, it's his body, it's his decision. Sorry.
ETA: It's okay to ask your significant other to change a behavior that is a legitimate concern to you. However, it's also okay for them to say no.0 -
Honestly, why not go full on Controlling B*t©h? The only thing worse than a Controlling B•t©h is a Passive-Aggressive Controlling B•t©h. If you have to have things your way, make him toe the line or else. Bully him. It'll totally work, trust me, I read it on the Internet. :flowerforyou:
You are evil. ROTFL0 -
I just got married in September,
..I want
..I DON'T want
..AWFUL
..He's grumpy, forgetful, etc.
..he "talks" change, but does nothing.
..He eats HUGE portions
..I'm really the only one who cooks
..My husband, however, will eat a HUGE plate
..I don't think it's fair
..Plus, I'm angry
..I don't want
..Should I nag him?
Please, any suggestions would be appreciated.
Wow. What a happy marriage that must be.
Serious point.
This exactly.
OP, I understand you want him around for many years to come but, as harsh as this sounds, it's his body and he has every right to treat himself as he chooses. You're not his mother or his caretaker. You are his wife.
He knows he's pre-diabetic and unhealthy. You nagging him about ti make it worse for him and you and your children.
The only thing you can do is cook healthy meals that the entire family can enjoy and ask him to join you in walks or other activities. You can't make him become different than he is.
My guess is he didn't start eating like this after you got married in September, that he's been eating this way all along, so why is it an issue now? Or, has it always been an issue.
You need to accept him as he is and take care of yourself. 0 -
So he's gone downhill in the last two months you've been married? REALLY? That sounds a little extreme. More like he is annoying you after a couple of months of marriage which is not a good sign at all. As if you didn't know his habits before you married him? Also, if you were a GOOD partner, you would do whatever you could to help your partner from a place of love. You portray yourself in your post as if are not a very nice person and that you may need to work on yourself. Yes you should be making healthy food and only have good food in your house to help support him. You should ask him to take walks with you and help him out with the "doing things" so he feels like he can spend the time to workout. Yes you should support him with loving encouragement and love him for him instead of being nasty rather than expecting him to just turn into you with your habits. It amazes me that horrible people can express how horrible they are in writing and then still not see just how horrible they are. He deserves someone who will love and support him. You need to worry about fixing yourself and your take on what marriage should be first. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I think you need a SERIOUS wakeup call.
It's posts like this that seriously make me lose faith in humanity.0 -
How come OP you'd read his test results before your husband? Doesn't the US operate patient/doctor confidentiality in the anymore?0
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I only cok enough for my husband, daughter and I. His portions are sliggtly bigfer,,but I do not cook that much fod that we would over eat. So dont cook so much0
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Have you tried having a civil adult conversation with him?0
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When my slim husband, at 54 was diagnosed pre diabetic. It never occurred to me, that I would not do whatever I could, to help him reverse it. I am the cook, and the person who does the marketing. That day of diagnosis, you would not believe how much stuff I removed from my house. I changed my cooking habits, food shopping, everything that day. I made sure I did not buy things that would tempt him.
Very rapidly the condition was reversed. Four years later, his blood work is still great. He did do his part though.
It is my belief, if you are the cook and person planning the meals. You are also part of the solution. I love my husband, I was happy to change, if that helped him. And it did.
PS: We have an attitude of we are in this together. You might want to delay those baby plans.
This is what support looks like ^^^.
It is dangerous to compare your 'willpower' to his. Maybe you CAN just eat a cup of noodles and be done. But if he can't- then they shouldn't be an option at the meal table. Here's the deal. And I know this because I have seen my parents fall prey to diabetes. You can preach. And you can teach. And you can beg. And you can nag. You can feel angry & annoyed. And you will be miserable. It will be HIS decision of when HE wants to make changes. He is 46. I am guessing his eating patterns are pretty well engrained. This is now a FAMILY AFFAIR. Sign up for a family 5K. Or do these things as a family. This YOU/ME split is not healthy for long term resolve. I like the idea of removing all unhealthy carbs from the house....with the option for only the foods that will help him be healthy. He'll have to choose something- and it will be good. Portion control, on the other hand, is a whole nuther thing. Maybe you can talk him into joining MFP. There's nothing like logging that food to help you realize....kwim??
Anyways- good luck with this and your marriage. Love your man. Support him. Let him lead the way.0 -
Simple solution....take him to a dialysis center and show him what happens when you don't take care of your blood sugar......If that doesn't work, nothing will....0
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You're not going to change his mind, he has to. At his age he's set in his way and most likely stubborn. It's not an easy fix. I'd recommend less invasive ways to get him eating smaller portions, healtier and exercising. Ask him to go on walks or try "new" restaurants which serve smaller portions or healthier foods. Baby steps....0
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You've only been married approximately two months, right? People just don't change overnight and become pre-diabetic and overweight. There must have been signs before you two got married, so take this all with a grain of salt. Did you think that you would marry him and could change him into a healthy dude right away? My husband and I (married 5 years next month) have already discussed that we need to take care of ourselves. Part of the reason that we love one another is that we are both healthy and work out. I love his rock hard abs and chest and would be pretty dissapointed if he let himself go; it's not superficial... it's just the truth. If I had wanted to marry an overweight, unmotivated guy, I wouldn't have chosen him. Bottom line, go easy on him. You can't change him but you can hopefully motivate him. If he is that untolerable and unhealthy, it will clearly put stress on your relationship. If he doesn't change, can you deal with that? Let him know that you love him more than anything and that you want him to live a long, healthy life. Incorporate small changes in your lifestyle. Maybe he feels overwhelmed and pressured. He might not even notice the small changes that you make to the food you cook or the fact that maybe you park the car a bit further from the store in an effort to get him a little extra exercise. If he cares about you and himself, he will realize how much his poor health is of concern to you.0
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