Angry at husband for refusing to take care of his body

taunto

Get thee to marriage counseling. There are a LOT of different issues going on here according to your post.

Is one of those issues seeking attention from approval while badmouthing your significant other behind his back? Not sure how counseling would help that since he will be there to hear these "issues".

QuietBloom

And also, I don't think that there's anything wrong with asking your spouse to change something that really bothers you. I know it's the current "politically correct" thing to say that people shouldn't try to change other people and to rant that "desperate" or "stupid" women are always marrying men and then trying to "fix" them. But come on, really? You are only hearing this one complaint that I have about my husband and some of you have decided that my marriage fits into the above-listed stereotype and that I probably shouldn't have married the guy.

That's ridiculous. It's okay, in my opinion, to ask your spouse to change something for you, especially if it's something self-destructive. And throwing someone aside instead of marrying them because of a single flaw when you love them tremendously and they are a good, kind person, is just stupid. So yes, I married him, and I will stay married to him.

And FYI, he also believes there is nothing wrong with asking your spouse to change something if it bothers you.

So - I thought you had already tried that and (of course) it didn't work. And that's why you are here now asking for advice. Right?

Marriage counseling. And I am not being snotty, I am being serious. There are some big issues going on between the two of you, that are not going to be fixed by you asking for 3rd party advice in his absence.

Saucy_lil_Minx

Those who are suggesting my marriage is not happy- if I weren't happy, I wouldn't give a crap about his health. We have a wonderful relationship and are best friends. I know his shortcomings and I know I agreed to accept and live with them when we got married. I do that well, for the few other flaws that he has that bug me (there aren't many).This, however, hits a particular nerve in me when I get lab results for him that are this bad. I DO NOT want to lose him until he's really, really old. I have seen the HORRIBLE things that diabetes does to people. I can't stand the thought of him going through all of that.

Take it from a woman who was told she would be a widow by 30 if her Hubby did not change his habits.
My husband's cholesterol was soooo high his blood draws looked like bacon fat collecting in the vial, (This was not enough to convince him he needed to make a change ). He spent 14 days in the hospital b/c his pancreas stopped working right, and he came home on enzyme pills (You would think having to take 8 pills before each meal, and 4 before each snack would be a good AAHA moment.)
He would have to take insulin shots too because he was not making his own insulin. He was lucky enough that when the swelling went down his pancreas became functioning again! {THIS STILL WAS NOT ROCK BOTTOM!!!!} I tried being angry, loving, understanding, demanding, and even gave him ultimatums (It's me or your health).......

The truth is........... HE DID NOT CHANGE HIS HABITS until he hit his ROCK BOTTOM!!

For my husband it was when he could not make it through a day at the local theme park with our son at the age of 30! He will do it when he is ready, and not before. Your job is to be there when he falls, and pick him back up again. Don't give him an " I told you so", and you can not push him to that point. He will have his AAAHA moment.

Once he has it try telling him, " I will be there to help you as long as you are willing to try." Be his partner in this battle!..... NOT HIS PARENT!



Tell him you love him, and you wish he would take his health more serious, and how much it would hurt you to have to go it alone without him by your side......

LET HIM COME TO HIS OWN REALIZATION! IT WILL HAPPEN..........


I PROMISE

calibriintx

Don't try and change him, it's a recipe for disaster. I asked my ex-wife to quit pooping with the door open and the next thing I know she's banging the PE teacher at her school.

jennk5309

Emotional response to fear of losing spouse is normal. Frustration over inability to change the course yourself is normal.

Hopefully he makes the right choice. Good luck OP.

Thank you for understanding. I'm scared, period, which leads to feeling frustrated that he hasn't worked harder to change. Yes, I knew he was a little chubby and seemed to have some blood-sugar lows before I married him, but I really didn't know it was pre-diabetes or that he had such high cholesterol. Of course, I still would have married him even if I had known that. I don't like the idea people seem to be insinuating here that if you knew something about your spouse before you got married and then married them anyway, then you absolutely must keep your mouth shut about it after. One, I didn't know the full extent of the problem, and two, I think that when you exchange vows promising to love and honor and cherish one another, you're vowing to also try to be your best (within reason) for your partner. So me asking him to get healthier should not equate to me being some horrible person/spouse.

As a follow up, I got home and he had read his lab results online as well and was just as shocked and worried. We had a heart to heart and I told him how it felt to see relatives lose legs, be dependent on insulin, have heart attacks and strokes with agonizing recoveries, invasive surgeries, etc.

I also expressed frustration that I don't want to have to be the one to balance everyone's nutritional wants and needs (like figuring out whether or not to keep snacks around for the kids when I know he's going to overeat them, planning and preparing meals that will keep them happy and him healthy, etc.- there are lots of issues). We agreed that we need to work on balancing things together.

Also, my "should I nag" question had more to do with the fact that I don't WANT to nag, and I avoid it in almost the extreme- to the point where I wonder if I am assertive enough or not. That's why I was asking if I need to be more direct in asking him to change, rather than "suggesting" healthier things.

But people read into what I wrote way too much and assumed that I'm a naggy, pushy woman hell bent on "fixing" my husband. One person even said I'm shallow for wanting him to lose weight. He's not even that overweight, and I AM attracted to him....Sheesh. That'll teach me to ask for advice in a public forum!

jenifr818

tag to read later, because I'm sure this is going to end just swimmingly ..

calibriintx

...As a follow up, I got home and he had read his lab results online as well and was just as shocked and worried. We had a heart to heart and I told him how it felt to see relatives lose legs, be dependent on insulin, have heart attacks and strokes with agonizing recoveries, invasive surgeries, etc.

I also expressed frustration that I don't want to have to be the one to balance everyone's nutritional wants and needs (like figuring out whether or not to keep snacks around for the kids when I know he's going to overeat them, planning and preparing meals that will keep them happy and him healthy, etc.- there are lots of issues). We agreed that we need to work on balancing things together....

All this anger and stress and coming on here for advice and he hadn't even seen the results yet? Talk about jumping the gun. Slow down, take a breath and relax.

eileen0515

You said that you were the cook and food planner for the family. You may not like it, but you are the gatekeeper for eveyone's nutritional wants, and needs as you call them. Tip one: meet the needs, before the wants.

I am glad to hear he is now alarmed, that is the first step towards change, good luck.

breanazank

What I don't get is this: YOU joined MFP to improve YOURSELF. Your husband didn't. Why are you hyper focusing on alllllll the negative stuff when you could be improving yourself (like you originally signed up for... imagine that)?
It's not worth the fight when you know it's just going to end with arguing and both of you getting defensive and offended at each other. Enjoy your time now.

Hell, if you want to eat healthy, make yourself a portion sized healthy meal and let him pick out what he wants.
People are going to do what they want to do; it's their nature. Stop trying to control the situation.

colibri23

I'm scared, period, which leads to feeling frustrated that he hasn't worked harder to change.

But seriously, it sounds like you handled it well what with the communication and everything.

QuietBloom

Emotional response to fear of losing spouse is normal. Frustration over inability to change the course yourself is normal.

Hopefully he makes the right choice. Good luck OP.

Thank you for understanding. I'm scared, period, which leads to feeling frustrated that he hasn't worked harder to change. Yes, I knew he was a little chubby and seemed to have some blood-sugar lows before I married him, but I really didn't know it was pre-diabetes or that he had such high cholesterol. Of course, I still would have married him even if I had known that. I don't like the idea people seem to be insinuating here that if you knew something about your spouse before you got married and then married them anyway, then you absolutely must keep your mouth shut about it after. One, I didn't know the full extent of the problem, and two, I think that when you exchange vows promising to love and honor and cherish one another, you're vowing to also try to be your best (within reason) for your partner. So me asking him to get healthier should not equate to me being some horrible person/spouse.

As a follow up, I got home and he had read his lab results online as well and was just as shocked and worried. We had a heart to heart and I told him how it felt to see relatives lose legs, be dependent on insulin, have heart attacks and strokes with agonizing recoveries, invasive surgeries, etc.

I also expressed frustration that I don't want to have to be the one to balance everyone's nutritional wants and needs (like figuring out whether or not to keep snacks around for the kids when I know he's going to overeat them, planning and preparing meals that will keep them happy and him healthy, etc.- there are lots of issues). We agreed that we need to work on balancing things together.

Also, my "should I nag" question had more to do with the fact that I don't WANT to nag, and I avoid it in almost the extreme- to the point where I wonder if I am assertive enough or not. That's why I was asking if I need to be more direct in asking him to change, rather than "suggesting" healthier things.

But people read into what I wrote way too much and assumed that I'm a naggy, pushy woman hell bent on "fixing" my husband. One person even said I'm shallow for wanting him to lose weight. He's not even that overweight, and I AM attracted to him....Sheesh. That'll teach me to ask for advice in a public forum!

I sincerely hope so! The only ones who can solve your problems are your husband and yourself. Asking for advice on public forums for marriage problems is really not the way to go.

Mr_Knight

I just got married in September, and at 46, my husband is slightly overweight and is becoming very unhealthy. I just looked at his lab results from his recent check-up and he's pre-diabetic and has high cholesterol. I want to have at least 40 years with him, and I DON'T want him to become diabetic and lose limbs, have ED, have to inject himself with insulin, etc.

He's 46 - those things didn't develop since your wedding in September - if health and fitness are that important to you, why did you marry him when you already knew he wasn't healthy?

I'm sorry, but this sounds very much like "mwahahaha...now I can work on changing him into what I *actually* want..."

Fit_Canadian

Get thee to marriage counseling. There are a LOT of different issues going on here according to your post.

Is one of those issues seeking attention from approval while badmouthing your significant other behind his back? Not sure how counseling would help that since he will be there to hear these "issues".

jennk5309

I just got married in September, and at 46, my husband is slightly overweight and is becoming very unhealthy. I just looked at his lab results from his recent check-up and he's pre-diabetic and has high cholesterol. I want to have at least 40 years with him, and I DON'T want him to become diabetic and lose limbs, have ED, have to inject himself with insulin, etc.

He's 46 - those things didn't develop since your wedding in September - if health and fitness are that important to you, why did you marry him when you already knew he wasn't healthy?

I'm sorry, but this sounds very much like "mwahahaha...now I can work on changing him into what I *actually* want..."

See my reply to another poster for the answer to that question:

20157577_9795_thumb jennk5309 Selector

Joined Mar 2012

Posts: 27

November 21, 2013 3:28 pm
QUOTE:

Emotional response to fear of losing spouse is normal. Frustration over inability to change the course yourself is normal.

Hopefully he makes the right choice. Good luck OP.


Thank you for understanding. I'm scared, period, which leads to feeling frustrated that he hasn't worked harder to change. Yes, I knew he was a little chubby and seemed to have some blood-sugar lows before I married him, but I really didn't know it was pre-diabetes or that he had such high cholesterol. Of course, I still would have married him even if I had known that. I don't like the idea people seem to be insinuating here that if you knew something about your spouse before you got married and then married them anyway, then you absolutely must keep your mouth shut about it after. One, I didn't know the full extent of the problem, and two, I think that when you exchange vows promising to love and honor and cherish one another, you're vowing to also try to be your best (within reason) for your partner. So me asking him to get healthier should not equate to me being some horrible person/spouse.

As a follow up, I got home and he had read his lab results online as well and was just as shocked and worried. We had a heart to heart and I told him how it felt to see relatives lose legs, be dependent on insulin, have heart attacks and strokes with agonizing recoveries, invasive surgeries, etc.

I also expressed frustration that I don't want to have to be the one to balance everyone's nutritional wants and needs (like figuring out whether or not to keep snacks around for the kids when I know he's going to overeat them, planning and preparing meals that will keep them happy and him healthy, etc.- there are lots of issues). We agreed that we need to work on balancing things together.

Also, my "should I nag" question had more to do with the fact that I don't WANT to nag, and I avoid it in almost the extreme- to the point where I wonder if I am assertive enough or not. That's why I was asking if I need to be more direct in asking him to change, rather than "suggesting" healthier things.

But people read into what I wrote way too much and assumed that I'm a naggy, pushy woman hell bent on "fixing" my husband. One person even said I'm shallow for wanting him to lose weight. He's not even that overweight, and I AM attracted to him....Sheesh. That'll teach me to ask for advice in a public forum!

emirror

Hey! I'm glad y'all talked it over! I hope his problems are all reversible, and y'all work together to help him be healthy.

And yes, asking for advice about a relationship online is almost never a good idea. Usually things are far too complex to relate in a post.

Kevalicious99

I say nag away .. sometimes it takes the ones that love us to kick us in the *** and get us on the right road.

If you don't push him he is not likely to do it himself .. but probably he will resist until such time that he is ready to do it.

But I am a very anal person .... and when I set my mind at doing something, I do it and am successful at it.

So .. hope he will see the light someday. But til then .. it does sound like a sad situation for you, and him.

cafeaulait7

I think it would be nice if you did think of ways to balance what the kids need and what he needs, etc. I know it's a PITA in a normal situation, but you can't very well talk about being afraid of someone losing limbs and then not want to avoid making mac n' cheese, you know?

There are lots of great snacks for kids that pre-diabetics can eat, too. Pasta is not the best thing to offer for most dinners, either, lol. Man, I love me some pasta! I'm pre-diabetic now, too. It would be really hard to only eat a tiny bit of pasta for dinner. Better to have chicken or turkey or something in the first place, I think.

I don't know what his portion control needs to be, but my new blood monitor shows that I need to basically avoid some foods most of the time. I could not eat a healthy amount of calories for dinner if it were pasta. I'd need a veggie stir fry that had a few pieces of pasta thrown in, more likely

Don't make it harder for him than it needs to be if you are really trying to be cooperative (and very healthy yourself). 'Portion size' might not cut it by itself, so start from a different point and help get certain foods off the main menu, imho. Sorry!

LiveLoveLift67

You know, i went thru this.....and i realized i didnt want to be that kind of wife. It didnt help matters and it made us both cranky. What i did do however, was worry about ME. That is the only person i am in control of and who i can change. My husband has worse health issues than your husband. I wish he would change for his health sake but its totally up to him. I can only cook healthy meals and make sure when i grocery shop i bring the right things into the house. What he eats on the outside is on him. He will get to the gym when its important to him. I can only hope that one day i will inspire him enough to try again. I knew what i got when i married him.

I suggest that you take a step back and prepare your meals as healthy as possable for your family and make enough for the meal and serve him his serving size. Make sure there are healthy snacks in the house or make them into single serve sizes. Also, maybe after dinner you could suggest an after dinner walk or something to get him a little more active. If he realizes its important to you in a non threatening way it may help. Dont give him dirty looks when he over eats or make snide comments...they hurt and they dont help at all. I say this from experience. You also wouldnt like it if the tables were turned.

Good luck on all that!

Niccidawn092

Well sit him down and ask him to get a very good insurance policy to protect you and the kids. Since he is not willing to take care of his health, the least he can do is make sure you don't end up homeless if/ when he die.

Lol! I like the way you think!