Angry at husband for refusing to take care of his body
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Well, I have been married for 17 years and I ***** and moan about hubby but what it comes down to is "I knew what I was getting into"..plus, I have had to stop myself over this past year of weight loss to control my "high horse syndrome" meaning before this I was right along side him eating all the crap and not exercising and being unhealthy and the difference is the "light bulb moment" came on for me and my husband's did not. I cannot control what he puts into his own mouth and I am hoping that eventually he will see the light for his own sake but that is all I can do...I am sure it is very frustrating but reign in the anger, do what you have to do and perhaps you should wait to have kids with someone who has no intentions on getting healthy at this point..it would not be fun to raise this child on your own. Good luck girl!
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you give him your concerns, you tell him where he is headed especially with the sexual dysfunction, and you tell him you need him to take care of himself because you love him. after that you drop it.
the rest is on him and hopefully he'll hear you and do what he needs to make his life better.
continue to role model healthy behaviors and hopefully he will follow
This. And do you think he realizes the severity of the health problems he is facing? So many people hear "diabetes" and aren't too concerned. They don't realize the seriousness of it.
Do you think he does?
I would have a meaningful conversation with him, without nagging. Yes you love him for who he is but you have legit concerns after seeing his labwork. If you get on the elliptical and he said, while you are on it, I will go on when you are done - do you thinik that you could jump off, let him go and then go after him?
Try to find active activities to do together - walking, bike riding, etc.
You can't and wont' change his life, opinion, or mind. You CAN however express your love and concern and wait for it to "click" for him and support him.
Both of these ^^^^
Gently express your concerns
Don't push
And try not to use negatives...I'm angry...disappointed etc ...because that's all his brain will hear and he'll tune out the rest. If he feels like a failure (my husband is this way) he may go into defeatist mode.
Give him time. Give him love. Let it "click" for him.0 -
I'm at a loss here.
Why is it SO hard for you to make healthier meals that the whole family can enjoy? Why is it SO hard to balance the snacks in the house for the kids? Don't you want your kids to have healthy habits, too? I mean, we are talking smarter grocery shopping and some healthy cooking for the people you love. It's not rocket science.
I'm not saying he shouldn't be able to control himself, but if you love him I would think you would do anything you can to be supportive, right?
Suck it up, get on board, make healthy meals and model the way for your whole family. It's really not that hard and everyone will benefit.0 -
Honestly, why not go full on Controlling B*t©h? The only thing worse than a Controlling B•t©h is a Passive-Aggressive Controlling B•t©h. If you have to have things your way, make him toe the line or else. Bully him. It'll totally work, trust me, I read it on the Internet. :flowerforyou:
And it wouldn't be on the internet if it wasn't true! haha0 -
I get on the elliptical and he says he'll get on after I'm done, but then he gets busy doing something else and doesn't do it.
Why don't you go for a walk or jog instead? If you're doing it together, he won't have time to find something else to do.
Other than that, you've been married two months. You knew he was like this. He'll do it when and if he's ready and you can't force him. Accept him or leave him. Those are kind of your only choices.0 -
If he continues on this path more than likely you will no longer find him attractive at some point. Nagging will not help, making healthier meals may or may not help (he eats whatever he wants when your not around believe me I know). He will change when he is ready and that may be never.
Its funny I will make me some oatmeal and I like to mix it in with yogurt and 2-3 servings along with the yogurt is a plate full but its only about 600 cal. ANd my wife will look at it and say you gonna eat all that. THen she will turn around and eat a bowl of icecream. She is not fat just slipping into her old behavior when I was fat. I keep my mouth shut.0 -
How come OP you'd read his test results before your husband? Doesn't the US operate patient/doctor confidentiality in the anymore?
Of course we do. The results were online. They'd have gotten a phone call or e-mail or some such with the password. He may have signed off on giving the info to his spouse. He may have given the password to her himself, though it doesn't sound like it. She may have stumbled across it. It's the patient's responsibility to secure their own info once it's been made available to them.0 -
I just got married in September, and at 46, my husband is slightly overweight and is becoming very unhealthy. I just looked at his lab results from his recent check-up and he's pre-diabetic and has high cholesterol. I want to have at least 40 years with him, and I DON'T want him to become diabetic and lose limbs, have ED, have to inject himself with insulin, etc.
His sugar crashes are AWFUL when he goes too long without eating. He's grumpy, forgetful, etc. I have diabetics in my family and I've seen the terrible damage it does and how badly it brings down the quality of your life.
The thing is, he "talks" change, but does nothing. I get on the elliptical and he says he'll get on after I'm done, but then he gets busy doing something else and doesn't do it. He eats HUGE portions of food, especially carbs, and he's a chocolate junkie.
I could, since I'm really the only one who cooks, make only healthy meals that he won't be tempted to eat too much of, but I think he should just learn damn portion control. For example, tonight I'm making tuna and noodles and a vegetable. My kids love it, and I know how to eat only a small portion (like a cup) and fill up on vegetables. My husband, however, will eat a HUGE plate, and a tiny dollop of vegetables. Plus he'll drink a big glass of orange juice with it. I'll drink water or unsweetened tea. I don't think it's fair to have to make only "health foods" just so that he doesn't have to worry about trying to control himself.
Plus, I'm angry that he leaves it all to me. I don't want to have to tell him to work out or tell him to only eat so much of something or only make certain foods. He's a grown man, and should be able to self-monitor.
We are trying to have a baby, and I want him to be around well into old age to see that child grow up! I love him so much that it angers me that he cares so little about his own health.
Should I nag him? I remind him to work out but then don't get on his case if he doesn't, because I don't want to seem like a controlling bi#*ch. I don't say anything when he overeats, but I frequently remind him he should eat less carbs (because of the blood sugar issues) and more vegetables and protein. But I haven't come down on him hard, it's just been suggestions.
As a side note, I AM attracted to him, so I'm not doing this because I want a hotter husband. I do think it would improve my desire for him some though if he were a bit slimmer and more muscular. It's not that big of a deal though, more like a "wouldn't it be nice" type of wish than anything. I mostly want him to be healthy!
Please, any suggestions would be appreciated.
I assume when you married him a few months back he was the same way. Now you want him to change and become something different? It's been said before but I'll say it again. You can't change people, they have to do it themselves. The best thing you can do is - lose the controlling attitude and lead by example.0 -
Nagging never helps. You haven't been married very long, has he changed all that much from before the wedding? I say that you knew what you were getting so keep doing what you're doing for yourself, cook healthy meals and he will either get on board or he won't you can not control that.
ETA - I see that lizzie had the same thought as I did........0 -
I previously replied but later it struck me that there was a much, much simpler solution than anything I'd thought of.
Ask him.
Sit him down, tell him you're worried about his weight and his health and see if he feels the same. If so, ask him how you can help.0 -
Shouldn't you have figured this out before you got married?0
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46 and you want to have kids?
You already have one- you married him.
You made a huge mistake- leave now before it gets worse- you are already super bitter and resentful and it's been a month. Bail now before it gets worse.0 -
46 and you want to have kids?
You already have one- you married him.
You made a huge mistake- leave now before it gets worse- you are already super bitter and resentful and it's been a month. Bail now before it gets worse.
Wow. That's so harsh...and I can't quit laughing. :laugh:
There is some truth to it though. You shouldn't have to babysit a grown man.0 -
46 and you want to have kids?
You already have one- you married him.
You made a huge mistake- leave now before it gets worse- you are already super bitter and resentful and it's been a month. Bail now before it gets worse.
Bahahaha, this response was so worth coming back to this thread. :laugh:0 -
Men don't like naggers, so that approach is not going to work. I have a friend who married a man that was over weight and diabetic. He wouldn't take his meds and his insulin was all over the place. He took a heart attack and from having issues with his sugar he ended up with ED. He took meds and still nothing. My friend is upset that she is the one suffering along with him. I told her that is her choice to stay with a man who is not going to look after himself. You need to decide if this is what you want and be honest with him about it. I wish you well.0
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46 and you want to have kids?
You already have one- you married him.
You made a huge mistake- leave now before it gets worse- you are already super bitter and resentful and it's been a month. Bail now before it gets worse.
Ouch!
But, seriously, you married the dude recently. You committed to him knowing full well how he was.
You probably thought you would "work on him" once you were married. You know, change him bit-by-bit until he was the way you wanted. Trouble is, he's not having it and now you're staring down the barrel of a long marriage to Mr Not-Quite-Perfect. Oops!0 -
46 is too old to have kids anyways
The bigger problem is her age - female reproductivity starts rolling over at 30. By 35, it is significantly impacted.
It's going to be fun, for sure...0 -
You made a huge mistake- leave now before it gets worse- you are already super bitter and resentful and it's been a month. Bail now before it gets worse.
He's almost certainly getting the exact same advice on whatever forum he hangs out on.
Yeah, this is doomed.0 -
I can completely relate to where you're coming from. My husband gained 80 pounds AFTER we got married. I have lost around 11 since then and have remained relatively the same since he's known me. He had tipped the scales into obesity. And while I still found him very attractive I became concerned. His parents are both over weight and have medical issues themselves and I didn't want that for him too. But here is what I realized. While I believe each spouse has an obligation to try and remain healthy to the best of their ability for the other you can't force an adult to do something they don't want to do. When I cooked I made the healthiest food I could that tasted good. Lots of protein and veggies and low on the carbs. When he wanted to go out to eat I'd suggest something healthier. Thin crust pizza rather than deep dish, etc. I do the grocery shopping so I kept all junk food and pop out of the house. If he went himself and bought these things I bit my tongue and let him have them. About 9 months ago he realized how large he'd become and just on his own without telling me started to cut back on his portions, stop drinking pop and whiskey, and start exercising. He made it to onederland last week and he couldn't be happier. You have to let your husband make this decision on his own and lead by example the best you can.0
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he has to want to change, no amount of nagging or pleading with make him. As for the veg, I put them IN the casserole. I learned how to sneak veg into all kinds of foods when the kid revolted against them. I would also make a smaller amount overall so that there is a finite amount of food left at the end of the meal. You married him the way he is so you knew what you were getting into.0
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46 is too old to have kids anyways
The bigger problem is her age - female reproductivity starts rolling over at 30. By 35, it is significantly impacted.
It's going to be fun, for sure...
yeah well I didn't see her give her age- but that's clearly an issue as well.
Shrug - I see a lot of "all bad all directions" going on here.I can completely relate to where you're coming from. My husband gained 80 pounds AFTER we got married. I have lost around 11 since then and have remained relatively the same since he's known me. He had tipped the scales into obesity. And while I still found him very attractive I became concerned.
I don't' think this man gained 80 lbs in a month. seriously. this isn't the same thing.
she knew this was going on- and she still married him
and good for you for staying- I couldn't do it. my bf (potential life long partner whatever) gets fat- I'm done. There is way more going on than JUST fat gain. That changes a person and I cant' deal with that. The kind of person who allows themselves to deteriorate like that?
Nope- there are bigger issues than just the weight- I won't stay. That's a complete and utter deal breaker for me. You either address it- and I"m willing to work with you on it- and help- but I won't stay if you just let it all go. nope not happening.
You are a better woman than I.0 -
Sounds like some things that should've been addressed before you walked down the aisle0
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and good for you for staying- I couldn't do it. my bf (potential life long partner whatever) gets fat- I'm done. There is way more going on than JUST fat gain. That changes a person and I cant' deal with that. The kind of person who allows themselves to deteriorate like that?
Are you planning to kill yourself or him if he gets fat? 'cause otherwise... he's NOT a lifelong partner.0 -
and good for you for staying- I couldn't do it. my bf (potential life long partner whatever) gets fat- I'm done. There is way more going on than JUST fat gain. That changes a person and I cant' deal with that. The kind of person who allows themselves to deteriorate like that?
Are you planning to kill yourself or him if he gets fat? 'cause otherwise... he's NOT a lifelong partner.
She did say "potential".0 -
and good for you for staying- I couldn't do it. my bf (potential life long partner whatever) gets fat- I'm done. There is way more going on than JUST fat gain. That changes a person and I cant' deal with that. The kind of person who allows themselves to deteriorate like that?
Are you planning to kill yourself or him if he gets fat? 'cause otherwise... he's NOT a lifelong partner.
She did say "potential".
true. as long as he's still hot, she's there. he's got potential. 0 -
Isn't this the honeymoon period of your marriage? This is like the people that want kids and marry someone who does not, it is a no win situation, one will be unhappy because there is no compromise. I am sorry but having any major issue this early on does not bode well. If my hubby gained a ton of weight and became sloth like, I would say something but for 16 yrs he has been active and nicely built so I feel I would have a right to bring it up. In your case you got what you married, you can not change someone just because you took vows.0
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I can completely relate to where you're coming from. My husband gained 80 pounds AFTER we got married. I have lost around 11 since then and have remained relatively the same since he's known me. He had tipped the scales into obesity. And while I still found him very attractive I became concerned.
I don't' think this man gained 80 lbs in a month. seriously. this isn't the same thing.
she knew this was going on- and she still married him
and good for you for staying- I couldn't do it. my bf (potential life long partner whatever) gets fat- I'm done. There is way more going on than JUST fat gain. That changes a person and I cant' deal with that. The kind of person who allows themselves to deteriorate like that?
Nope- there are bigger issues than just the weight- I won't stay. That's a complete and utter deal breaker for me. You either address it- and I"m willing to work with you on it- and help- but I won't stay if you just let it all go. nope not happening.
You are a better woman than I.
I didn't say he had gained it in a month. That wouldn't be possible. It was roughly over a year and half time span that it occurred and neither of us noticed it at first as my husband is very tall and broad. It did however occur after, not before marriage. But I made a commitment to the man and stuck by his side.
As I stated I believe each spouse has a duty to try and be as healthy as possible for the other and I’ve always kept my end of the deal and am working to only better myself, but was it worth divorcing him over? No, definitely not in my opinion. I lead by the best example I could and he realized the error of his ways. This woman married a man that she already knew was in bad health and as such her only options are divorce or leading by example. My experience is that it can work, but you can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do.0 -
I can completely relate to where you're coming from. My husband gained 80 pounds AFTER we got married. I have lost around 11 since then and have remained relatively the same since he's known me. He had tipped the scales into obesity. And while I still found him very attractive I became concerned. His parents are both over weight and have medical issues themselves and I didn't want that for him too. But here is what I realized. While I believe each spouse has an obligation to try and remain healthy to the best of their ability for the other you can't force an adult to do something they don't want to do. When I cooked I made the healthiest food I could that tasted good. Lots of protein and veggies and low on the carbs. When he wanted to go out to eat I'd suggest something healthier. Thin crust pizza rather than deep dish, etc. I do the grocery shopping so I kept all junk food and pop out of the house. If he went himself and bought these things I bit my tongue and let him have them. About 9 months ago he realized how large he'd become and just on his own without telling me started to cut back on his portions, stop drinking pop and whiskey, and start exercising. He made it to onederland last week and he couldn't be happier. You have to let your husband make this decision on his own and lead by example the best you can.
Smart and effective, and loving0 -
I don't' think this man gained 80 lbs in a month. seriously. this isn't the same thing.
she knew this was going on- and she still married him
and good for you for staying- I couldn't do it. my bf (potential life long partner whatever) gets fat- I'm done. There is way more going on than JUST fat gain. That changes a person and I cant' deal with that. The kind of person who allows themselves to deteriorate like that?
Nope- there are bigger issues than just the weight- I won't stay. That's a complete and utter deal breaker for me. You either address it- and I"m willing to work with you on it- and help- but I won't stay if you just let it all go. nope not happening.
You are a better woman than I.
Seriously, you ever go on an internet dating site? Put this in your profile.0
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