How do you make people understand?

briana12077

If you don't want dessert, don't eat dessert.

There are always diet-friendly options at restaurants.

Eat before going to parties.

It sounds to me like you have a great husband. No one can keep you from your goals except yourself.

To all the people saying this crap.... please shut up. Sorry to be rude but not everyone is good at this and some are still working on it. Some people may never be good at it.

Like OP said in a post.... you wouldn't tell a recovering alcoholic
"if you do't want alcohol, don't drink alcohol.

There are always friendly options at bars such as soda and water."

Like seriously? Some people are not good at restricting themselves from food. Some people have had addictions to food or binging problems. You don't know her or her life. Its so SCREWED up to be so judgmental. She asked for freaking advice about how to talk to her husband, she didn't ask for everyone to jump down her throat and tell her to do whatever the heck her husband wants and just screw her plans, wants, and needs. Nope girl, they said it. You have to do whatever he wants. Thats basic bs. Yes there are ways to eat out and be healthy, yes there are tips to help if you have binging problems or overeating problems, yes yes yes, and yes you shouldn't not socialize. She didn't ask anything about HOW to do those things. She asked how to talk to her husband. Thats it. Sorry but you guys are all stupid if you think that everyone has the willpower to go out 3 or 4 times a week and be fine. Not everyone can. If you can great. But like I said, you think a recovering alcoholic can just be around bars all week long and always be fine? If they know themselves and know they can't then they shouldn't be going to bars. If someone who smoked and has just quit, you think they wanna be around cigarette smoke all the time? NO. Leave her alone.

I'm actually so frustrated by the double standards I see on these boards all the time. You all think you are know it alls sometimes. I know you are trying to help and honesty is the only way to help but she didn't ask you these questions. Even if you did say these things she has said OVER AND OVER AGAIN how she does like to be social and go out and she does go to planned events but going out unplanned 3 times a week isn't easy for her.

Your tips are fine and they may help some people but if she still doesn't want to go out to eat 3 times a week then she shouldn't have to just because her husband wants to. Everyone should compromise in any relationship about everything. It shouldn't all be on one person.

You are basically saying to her... if you can't have enough self-control to not eat more than a few bites of dessert then you are a fat piece of undeserving crap.... thats not fair to act like when she is working on her self-control.

AND stop saying she can't lose weight life long without desserts when she has said multiple times she eats desserts.

Syriene

If you want to have that quality time with him, but his idea of a date or quality time has always been to take you out to eat, maybe you need to come up with alternative ways to spend that time? What do you like to do together...movies, going for walks, playing board games at a cafe, hitting the batting cages...I don't know what you enjoy, but there's lots to do besides going out to dinner. If you have an alternative plan when he suggests dinner, that will come across a lot better than just "don't you understand I can't keep doing all this stuff that revolves around food?" Provide an alternative.

Yup, I was going to say something along these lines. That way, you get the quality time, but it is not revolving around food.

twixlepennie

If you don't want dessert, don't eat dessert.

There are always diet-friendly options at restaurants.

Eat before going to parties.

It sounds to me like you have a great husband. No one can keep you from your goals except yourself.

To all the people saying this crap.... please shut up. Sorry to be rude but not everyone is good at this and some are still working on it. Some people may never be good at it.

Like OP said in a post.... you wouldn't tell a recovering alcoholic
"if you do't want alcohol, don't drink alcohol.

There are always friendly options at bars such as soda and water."

Like seriously? Some people are not good at restricting themselves from food. Some people have had addictions to food or binging problems. You don't know her or her life. Its so SCREWED up to be so judgmental. She asked for freaking advice about how to talk to her husband, she didn't ask for everyone to jump down her throat and tell her to do whatever the heck her husband wants and just screw her plans, wants, and needs. Nope girl, they said it. You have to do whatever he wants. Thats basic bs. Yes there are ways to eat out and be healthy, yes there are tips to help if you have binging problems or overeating problems, yes yes yes, and yes you shouldn't not socialize. She didn't ask anything about HOW to do those things. She asked how to talk to her husband. Thats it. Sorry but you guys are all stupid if you think that everyone has the willpower to go out 3 or 4 times a week and be fine. Not everyone can. If you can great. But like I said, you think a recovering alcoholic can just be around bars all week long and always be fine? If they know themselves and know they can't then they shouldn't be going to bars. If someone who smoked and has just quit, you think they wanna be around cigarette smoke all the time? NO. Leave her alone.

I'm actually so frustrated by the double standards I see on these boards all the time. You all think you are know it alls sometimes. I know you are trying to help and honesty is the only way to help but she didn't ask you these questions. Even if you did say these things she has said OVER AND OVER AGAIN how she does like to be social and go out and she does go to planned events but going out unplanned 3 times a week isn't easy for her.

Your tips are fine and they may help some people but if she still doesn't want to go out to eat 3 times a week then she shouldn't have to just because her husband wants to. Everyone should compromise in any relationship about everything. It shouldn't all be on one person.

You are basically saying to her... if you can't have enough self-control to not eat more than a few bites of dessert then you are a fat piece of undeserving crap.... thats not fair to act like when she is working on her self-control.

AND stop saying she can't lose weight life long without desserts when she has said multiple times she eats desserts.

:huh: MFP is a weight loss/fitness site, not a marriage counseling site. Perhaps the op should not have posted on a dieting site if she didn't want to hear some honest feedback from people, in relation to the dieting/weight loss aspect of her situation. Lots of people took time to give her great suggestions-people who have been there, done that and have succeeded, in spite of all the obstacles in their own lives.

bf43005

First, sounds like you could use the getaway and destress a little. Relax! Your husband is trying to do something nice, not make you crazy and I'm sure he would feel bad if you told him how much this was making you crazy.

Second, you are going to a hotel, not the moon. Look online or call the hotel and see if they have a fitness center. Then squeeze in some morning or night workouts so you don't get in the way of time with the hubby. If they don't have a fitness center do some stuff in your room (jumping jacks, squats, push ups, planks, dips, etc. can all be done without equipment).

Third, you can still enjoy parties and events while sticking to your diet plans. Eat a healthy meal before you go so you aren't hungry when you get there. Grab a bottle of water to sip on when you get the urge to munch on something. Even better, make a healthy snack/appetizer to bring to share with everyone and you know you can eat guilt free. Enjoy the time with family and friends.

And last, have some dessert, but maybe split it with the hubby so you aren't tempted to eat a whole piece of cake or whatever it is. And again, eat something before you go so you aren't hungry.

Mokey41

To all the people saying this crap.... please shut up. Sorry to be rude but not everyone is good at this and some are still working on it. Some people may never be good at it.

Like OP said in a post.... you wouldn't tell a recovering alcoholic
"if you do't want alcohol, don't drink alcohol.

There are always friendly options at bars such as soda and water."

That's exactly what I would say. Lots of recovering alcoholics go to bars and party's to be with their friends without drinking alcohol. They don't hide away at home drinking warm milk because the rest of the world didn't stop to revolve around them.

metaphoria

I would be thrilled that my husband planned anything remotely like a date, and be motivated to exercise in order to create a nice calorie cushion, and get lots of walking in and take advantage of the hotel's exercise room.

What I would not do is complain that there are fun things to do with people I love.

Share the desserts! Two spoons is romantic.

parys1

I would be thrilled that my husband planned anything remotely like a date, and be motivated to exercise in order to create a nice calorie cushion, and get lots of walking in and take advantage of the hotel's exercise room.

What I would not do is complain that there are fun things to do with people I love.

Share the desserts! Two spoons is romantic.

Precisely this.

Niccidawn092

To all the people saying this crap.... please shut up. Sorry to be rude but not everyone is good at this and some are still working on it. Some people may never be good at it.

Like OP said in a post.... you wouldn't tell a recovering alcoholic
"if you do't want alcohol, don't drink alcohol.

There are always friendly options at bars such as soda and water."

That's exactly what I would say. Lots of recovering alcoholics go to bars and party's to be with their friends without drinking alcohol. They don't hide away at home drinking warm milk because the rest of the world didn't stop to revolve around them.

NOT when they are in the beginning stages. They have to initially remove themselves from the situations to gain the skills to handle situations like that. Do you know lots of recovering alcoholics? Or are you just making broad, generalized assumptions because you like to pick senseless fights on the internet with people asking for help?

MyChocolateDiet

My husband likes me to eat too. So I save a good portion of my calories for when he will be around. Usually dinner time. Since your husband seems to focus on your diet or be around every two days, perhaps you can invent the very first "alternate day" diet.

Actually alternate day IF is not a new concept It's more commonly called JUDDD (there's a mfp group here if you want more info)

No thanks but maybe OP would like it. I have to eat everyday.

PikaKnight

Just get a divorce and stay single. Then you won't have to worry about anyone sabotaging you by wanting to spend some time together or share a meal.

DSTMT

What restaurants are you going to that don't have vegetables and protein? You just need to get more verbal about what you'd like at those places. I'm vegan and have found most all restaurants to be very accomodating.

Just because you go to a dessert event doesn't mean you have to over indulge. Allow yourself one thing and just enjoy the rest of the event.

You're making this much harder than it has to be.

In other words, "just do what HE wants, and jump through hoops to achieve your weight loss goals in spite of all the obstacles he tries to put in your path". Does that about sum it up? :huh:

Yep, looks like that is what 75% of the responses say. I am stunned!!

It's not about that though, the issue is less about her husband and more about the fact that she keeps claiming it's impossible to both go out and eat healthy. As like 50 people have already said, that's not at all true. The "all or nothing" mentality can't be sustained, and everyone's just trying to give her another outlook on the situation, that it IS possible to be healthy and do the activities that she used to. She mentioned that there's several upcoming birthdays, holiday celebrations, etc, and those are always going to happen. The key is to figure out how to attend them without completely destroying one's diet, and that's why these suggestions are being made, no one is saying "just do whatever your husband wants you bad wife".

OP you likened some of the comments to telling an alcoholic to just go to a bar and not drink alcohol, but the thing is that a person doesn't need alcohol to live, so it is possible to stop and never have it again. You NEED food to live, so it's better to develop healthy sustainable habits that let you achieve your goals without avoiding events that happen to include food. There's been lots of good suggestions here as to how to go about it.

mamma_nee

I know exactly how you feel . My husband does similar things to me . What I do is - I try to suggest alternate restaurants where I know I have better choices for myself ….If I know I can get great salads with meat toppings at Restaurant X - I will say how about some delicious Tacos (something he really loves) from Restaurant X ? I make him feel like I am choosing restaurant x because of his food choices not mine I don`t dare say lets go where I can have better choices. gotta use reverse psychology it works !! Always have a plan B and I have even packed snacks and carried in my purse on rare occasions I need something to chew on not to make really bad choices when I don`t have room for them in my daily calories.( rolled up turkey and cheese - boiled eggs etc so if u can order a vegetable or salad u have protein to add to it or eat it as you drive to the restaurant so all u need is a side order to feel satisfied.…. how about a romantic picnic in the car ??? LOL get to know him on a new level ! lol

MyChocolateDiet

I. Give. Up.

WhiteRabbit1313

I'm kind of lol'ing over the title of this thread, in retrospect, and the fact that OP can't get most of us to understand.

Perhaps, a less defensive approach would be good? Maybe, talk to him in an open-minded approach, and see what you can rationally work out. He will not understand, per se, but he might be open to discussing it rationally, if you aren't so defensive?

ThriceBlessed

I usually try to stay positive on these forums but it sounds like you've made up your mind to be miserable, bitter, and a little bit angry. I don't know why you posted if that is the case.

Unfortunately, I kind of agree with you here

Please let's stop beating up on the OP. I know exactly where the OP is coming from. You can complain about something and not be miserable, you know. Are you all missing this one thing that the OP stated:

Her husband didn't like eating out before and now, all of a sudden, he has decided that they need to eat out all the time.

Here she was doing great because everything was the same. They ate at home and he was okay with that. Now, he wants to eat out all the time. I know what that is like. My best friend wanted to eat out everytime we got together, which was about three times a week. You can't plan around that amount of eating out. Once a week eating out is doable, maybe even two times, but three times is tough.

Many times, potluck food has hidden fat and carbs. People add butter to things that I normally would not add butter to. They may add extra sugar to foods. Potlucks are called pot lucks because you are lucky if you can discern what is in the pot.

Eating at restaurants is also perilous. A simple Cobb salad can clobber your diet because of all the hidden ingredients. The same with chef salads. Look at Applebees menu. Check out the salads. Then plug them into a calorie counter and you will see what I mean. What looked harmless isn't.

I often take my scale out to restaurants along with a tupperware container. That way I can weigh my food (yes, people stare at me) and take home the extras for another meal.

The problem here is that something happened that her husband wants to eat out all the time. You can't plan calories around eating out all the time. Yep, some of you can do McDs on Monday, Wendy's on Tuesday, Taco Bell on Wednesday, and so forth, but I can't do that. I would be back to my old weight if I did that. Some restaurants specialize in having hidden calories (Applebees) whereas some are good with keeping things low in calorie and label it as such (Ruby Tuesday). Ruby is my favorite place to eat because they are so accomodating and they don't add butter to their broccoli or other veggies.

I believe that the husband is a bit insecure about the OP losing weight. I also think that he is being selfish in not taking into consideration the OP's needs. Who would schedule something without considering the other person's feelings? Somewhere there is a compromise to be had.

I feel that the OP needs to sit down and talk openly about her feelings with her husband, stressing those health issues that she may still have as needing to be resolved and also stressing how hard it is to lose weight, and even maintain a loss, when eating out so many times during the week.

Thank you. I am far from miserable... just realized that this thread was not helping, and was taking up too much time, so I left it alone while I worked out and went to work... came back to check it afterward. If people here don't understand my point, that is fine. Sounds like you kind of "get it". You and a few others.

Its not about fear. Its not even about my ability or lack of ability to control myself (of course there are some issues there or I wouldn't need MFP in the first place). Its about having the choice of which situations I want to face and which I don't. Sure I can go out and spend four times as much on a piece of chicken as I would at home... say no to the drinks... or sip tea while everyone else eats. I CAN do a lot of things. I don't feel I should HAVE to several times a week or risk hurting my husband's feelings. I feel he should understand if I want to skip a few events and attend others, rather than attending them all.

As for all the people saying to be less defensive, read all of the posts and the things said, its normal to get a little defensive when one is attacked. I wasn't feeling defensive when I first posted, not toward the other MFP members or my husband. I was simply honestly asking for suggestions on how to explain what I am trying to do, and how his actions can make it harder or easier, respectively.

So again, thanks to the few people who responded to the actual question, rather than looking to find someway to lay the blame on me when my husband pressures me. I do stand up to that pressure... I have been standing up to it and have lost a considerable amount of weight. I was just hoping to find a way to lighten up the pressure a little without damaging my marriage.

WalkingAlong

I can see both sides. I recall doing WW once and my family/friends at the time had these get-togethers every weekend that were just food and drink fests. I felt like my options were go and 'be good' and feel deprived or go and blow my diet, and feel like a failure. I finally started making excuses to stay home. And then I eventually made new friends that didn't want to party all the time so I didn't have to make excuses.

But the holiday season will be over soon, too, so I can see giving the hubs some concessions.

bellesouth18

I went through this, too, so I know where you're coming from. Except my husband and I weren't going out as often, which would have been a nice thing in my opinion. He was doing most of the cooking for the past year due to my job and wasn't following my wishes regarding my intake. He's better now and has lost 30 lbs. himself.

What I did to combat his meals and going out was start myself a Calorie Bank. Every day for about 3 months, I'd save about 200 calories for an emergency withdrawal. That gave me 1400 calories extra each week to work with for the "surprises" in his meals. I'm like you, my daily allowance isn't very high to start with (I'm short and older) and doesn't leave much wiggle room for splurges.

Now I try and make better choices. I eat pie, but I scrape off the crust. I eat things wrapped in a tortilla, but I tear off the "excess" parts of the tortilla that just add unwanted calories. I try and choose healthier items when I can. If I'm not hungry, I don't eat all of my calories just because they're available (like today). I've been struggling lately and Thanksgiving sort of sent me over the edge, too, and I gained 3 lbs (on top of the 8 I put back on just before that due to some serious stress eating).

I say enjoy the time with your husband, save some calories every day by lowering your intake a bit, and make the best choice you can with what's available. Maybe he'll be like my husband and eventually come around to your way of thinking. It only took him 1.5 years.

Good luck!

ldrosophila

keep that measuring cup in your purse and have fun!

ThriceBlessed

Perhaps I should have made more effort to make this point, I think my husband is wonderful. I don't think he is trying to sabotage me intentionally... I think he just doesn't understand that such FREQUENT disruptions to my planned schedule make it much more difficult to stay on track.

I didn't do too badly tonight with the concert. The desert buffet had a lot of choices, and I was selective... not so much looking for only low cal options, but rather looking for things I felt were "worth" the calories.

As for our trip, don't take me wrong. I am looking forward to the trip. We haven't been on one in years. I am just trying to keep my calories very much in line in the days before and after, so that the trip doesn't negatively effect me.

Thanks for all your help. Please don't think I don't appreciate my husband, I do. He just doesn't understand the first thing about trying to lose weight because he has never had to, in fact, he has to TRY to gain!

RoadsterGirlie

OP, I totally get you.

Eating out IS difficult, especially at a non-chain restaurant where calorie info isn't readily available.

At home, I am in complete control as I can monitor what is in front of me on my table. However, at a restaurant, they add all kinds of extra butter and sugar into the ingredients that can add empty calories quickly. You can order grilled chicken, but most likely it will arrive slathered in oil and butter.

I can avoid rolls and sweets if they are in the office or another part of the house as they aren't in front of me.

However, put me in a restaurant setting with a bunch of buttery rolls in front of me, and I either eat something I didn't plan for, or I'm sitting there looking at them and it ruins the experience of my meal. I allow myself two to three times eating out per week in maintenance, but any more than that and it would ruin what I've accomplished.

When I was losing weight, I limited it to one time per week TOPS. I totally feel the OP's pain on this one. I am grateful to have a husband is on the health bandwagon, and has lost almost 60 lbs as of this month. I know not everybody has that though, and I can understand how tough that would be...