Touchy subject. Pornography. Need advice.

SexKittenlovesitrough

In my opinion, porn sets unrealistic expectations for relationships. I'm not doing that stuff and no one is paying me to. I agree that a couple needs to have the same moral grounds. If the OP is not comfortable with it then she isn't. That's how she feels. No one can tell anyone else how to feel!!

to flip that...she shouldn't be telling him how to feel...he likes porn and she made him promise not to look at it...

so....by your own logic....

PikaKnight

I'm just curious, where is the line drawn between your partner wanting to try new things they've seen in porn and projecting "porn standards" onto you? what are these aforementioned "porn standards"? this is a genuine question.

Piledriver DP while loudly singing the German National Anthem.

I think that's a real porn. :laugh:

TheSlorax

In my opinion, porn sets unrealistic expectations for relationships. I'm not doing that stuff and no one is paying me to. I agree that a couple needs to have the same moral grounds. If the OP is not comfortable with it then she isn't. That's how she feels. No one can tell anyone else how to feel!!

lol.... I feel cheated.... I do a lot of "that stuff" for free without complaint. should I be trying to use sex acts as leverage? on the basis of my moral grounds of course.

metaphoria

It may come as a shock to some people, but there are many others out there who do not like porn and do not use it. There are also people who, for the sake of their SOs, keep a simple promise. This isn't about porn or not enough sex, it's about two incompatible views and a broken promise. And apparently also an ex from a year ago. Perhaps it's time to find someone who shares your views, instead of half-heartedly sort of putting up with them.

Really? So you have never promised yourself something, then broke it? The ex this is bad and yeah, if she doesn't like him viewing porn, then maybe she should find someone else. Good luck finding a guy that fits all of your criteria and also doesn't view porn.

All my criteria?? I mentioned not liking porn, keeps promises and maybe indirectly I mentioned doesn't mess around with his exes. That bar isn't set very high off the ground. Lol

It's interesting to me that people are telling her to get comfortable with it, accept it without question and even join in when she doesnt want to, but are totally shocked that she would dare ask him to be comfortable without it.

Like I said, incompatible. If it's a deal breaker, break the deal because he has already proven he's unlikely to stop, especially with so many people cheering him on.

So, by this rationale, he has to meet all of your criteria, but it doesn't matter if you meet his? I'm sure there are things that she does that he doesn't care for. Bottom line, nitpicking, about anything, will ruin a relationship. Porn may be just an excuse. A catalyst, if you will. The root of the problem is insecurity and distrust. PERIOD.

I agree, there is mistrust. Insecurity? Perhaps. I dont think making a clear stance on a single issue, and then when he agrees, to assume he will follow through and be upset when he doesn't, would be classified as nitpicking. Perhaps he should have thought of his criteria before agreeing to her request. I never said his criteria didn't matter, only that they were incompatible.

fitfreakymom

what is it about the porn that you don't like? are you insecure with yourself and you fell he is looking because he thinks you are not pretty? the reason I ask is because I have been through this and thought he did it cause I was fat.

He used to be sneaky about it and lie to me about all the time, once I lost the weight I developed a different attitude about it and realized that him lying to me about it was his problem not mine and now I just don't care if he watch's it or not.

PikaKnight

I feel the only solution to this is to break up.


A relationship with a girl who doesn't look at porn and doesn't let her man look at porn isn't going to be a success.

Are you serious? I don't look at porn and neither does my husband (he doesn't believe in objectifying people) and we've been very happily married for 18 years. That's not what I call an unsuccessful relationship.

but does your husband not look at porn because YOU "don't let him" or does he not because he's not interested.

BIG HUGE DIFFERENCE

Oh, I see what you mean. I guess I misunderstood. I thought you were implying that any relationship that didn't include porn is doomed to failure. No, he's not interested. As the expression goes, why would he want to drive a Volkswagen when he's got a Cadillac at home?
But I would just like to add that any relationship where one person is trying to control the other is unlikely to be successful--whether it's about watching porn or anything else.

I think a lot of what is being argued isn't whether everyone watches/likes porn..but the controlling factor of it.

wjstoj

ok then....I can see there are no tacos here as originally promised. Everyone have a good weekend and play nice

doorki

For all those people who think that watching porn isn't a big deal, read this article.
http://intentionalwarriors.com/2012/09/07/pornography-makes-you-dumb/

You chose that to be your first post?

sypop

ok then....I can see there are no tacos here as originally promised. Everyone have a good weekend and play nice

awwwww but i love tacos....

PikaKnight

In my opinion, porn sets unrealistic expectations for relationships. I'm not doing that stuff and no one is paying me to. I agree that a couple needs to have the same moral grounds. If the OP is not comfortable with it then she isn't. That's how she feels. No one can tell anyone else how to feel!!

In my opinion, romantic films set unrealistic expectations for relationships. So if a guy isn't comfortable with chick flicks, can he rightfully ban them if the girl sets out to ban porn?

I hope so because this is a relationship, right? Equals and all that stuff.

iamanadult

I can definitely see how this would be a touchy subject.

doorki

I'm just curious, where is the line drawn between your partner wanting to try new things they've seen in porn and projecting "porn standards" onto you? what are these aforementioned "porn standards"? this is a genuine question.

Piledriver DP while loudly singing the German National Anthem.

I think that's a real porn. :laugh:

yeah, I'm not that creative lol.

liesevanlingen

All men and some women enjoy watching and looking at pornographic images.

I am loathe to enter this "discussion" except to say that the casual way in which both men and women advert to simple stereotypes is annoying. "All men" do not enjoy anything, any more than "all women" or all African Americans or all First Immigrants.

Exactly!

kellenas

Perhaps some men don't look at it because they know it's hurtful to their SO. This happens as well. It doesn't mean that "they're not allowed to," it just means that their SO's feelings are more important than getting their visual fix.

The only reason it is hurtful is because one lets it be hurtful...and that's usually in play with insecurity issues.

ok, so if you're SO cheated on you and it hurt you, it's just your insecurities? I mean, it's only hurtful because you let it be hurtful. All I'm saying is that some people do view porn watching as cheating. It's lusting after someone (although, usually unattainable) other than your SO. Not everyone views porn watching the same. To each his own.

Umm...your SO cheating on you is different from watching porn. I hope you understand that.

I don't think you read my entire post. I said that SOME people view watching porn as cheating.

TheSlorax

In my opinion, porn sets unrealistic expectations for relationships. I'm not doing that stuff and no one is paying me to. I agree that a couple needs to have the same moral grounds. If the OP is not comfortable with it then she isn't. That's how she feels. No one can tell anyone else how to feel!!

In my opinion, romantic films set unrealistic expectations for relationships. So if a guy isn't comfortable with chick flicks, can he rightfully ban them if the girl sets out to ban porn?

I hope so because this is a relationship, right? Equals and all that stuff.

word.

calibriintx

It may come as a shock to some people, but there are many others out there who do not like porn and do not use it. There are also people who, for the sake of their SOs, keep a simple promise. This isn't about porn or not enough sex, it's about two incompatible views and a broken promise. And apparently also an ex from a year ago. Perhaps it's time to find someone who shares your views, instead of half-heartedly sort of putting up with them.

Really? So you have never promised yourself something, then broke it? The ex this is bad and yeah, if she doesn't like him viewing porn, then maybe she should find someone else. Good luck finding a guy that fits all of your criteria and also doesn't view porn.

All my criteria?? I mentioned not liking porn, keeps promises and maybe indirectly I mentioned doesn't mess around with his exes. That bar isn't set very high off the ground. Lol

It's interesting to me that people are telling her to get comfortable with it, accept it without question and even join in when she doesnt want to, but are totally shocked that she would dare ask him to be comfortable without it.

Like I said, incompatible. If it's a deal breaker, break the deal because he has already proven he's unlikely to stop, especially with so many people cheering him on.

She's the one with the problem. Sure, he shouldn't have agreed to no porn if he wanted to watch porn, but it's ultimately her problem. She can either make an attempt to be cool with it, or she can break up with him. You're absolutely right about incompatibility, but if they're going to try to work it out, she's the one who is going to have to try to change. Sounds like he either tried and doesn't want to or maybe he never tried and just agreed to stay away to avoid a fight. So OP needs to decide if A. she wants to be with a guy who will agree to things that will either make him unhappy and ultimately he'll fail, or he has no intention of doing in the first place. and B. she can get on board with porn. If the answer to either of those is "no" then she has her answer.

calibriintx

I can definitely see how this would be a touchy subject.

I see what you did there.

Timshel_

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2153248/Men-look-porn-damage-partners-self-confidence--habit-break-happy-relationships.html

... it can honestly sometimes corrode the viewer's perception of sex and intimacy in general.

Agreed.

Laura_Ivy

So what if he watches porn? Doesn't hurt you, doesn't replace you, so what? No problem. I'd be offended and insulted if I were him and you tried to make him "promise" not to look at porn. Porn is, in my opinion, boring and uninteresting, but no harm to you.

No doubt I'll get a bunch of backlash for this, but I'm surprised that so many here don't see pornography as harmful to relationships. My husband is a marriage counselor. The problems he sees couples for are 1. Infidelity (either partner, but most often the man). 2. Pornography addiction (the male is addicted).

A lot of the comments I read on here were from men who seem to be somewhat defensive about the subject. Kind of 'A man will be a man' type of bullpucky. Men have every ability to control themselves if they want to.

Well of course they do? What are they mindless apes because they like it? Honestly,I have read books that were way more hardcore than some of the sex vids I've found in my browser and laugh about. How is porn different than a romance novel? Some of those are full of sex and loin talk. Seriously.

Timshel_

Because people either don't prefer it and decide to be controlling and push their preferences on others

There is some irony.