Do I tell her she's gaining?

Ed98043

What she was really asking was for you to tell if her if becomes *obvious* that she's gaining weight - because it's so, so easy to pretend it's not happening or that no one has noticed. Look at how many people on this site admit they were walking around in denial, thinking they somehow "carried it well" or "weren't that fat" until a long-avoided weigh-in or an unflattering photo opened their eyes. She sounds to me like a woman who knows herself well enough to ask for a little tough love.

Mr_Knight

If friends can't be honest with each other, it's not much of a friendship. You were asked to do it - go ahead and do it.

Gently, of course.

ctalimenti

Oh wow, the above two posts make good sense.

Ugh

maybeazure

Since she asked you to...yes you should. But just once. If she gets upset just remind her that you only mention it because that is what she said she wanted. Then drop the subject and don't bring it up again.

elyelyse

Okay, I'm baffled by those replies saying she should tell her friend. Why would it be anyone's responsibility to tell someone else they are gaining weight?

No offense intended to anyone, but accountability does not mean having someone else tell me I'm goofing up. It means I'm paying enough attention to my own behavior to see when I'm goofing up and take immediate action to remedy the situation if I so choose to.

Why would it be her responsibility? Because her friend asked her for help in the matter. Why not use all the tools we have...not just the things we do ourselves, but also the support of those who care about us. Sometimes we need a little push from outside forces...that doesn't make us weak, or mean that we aren't holding ourselves accountable...in fact, it shows strength and courage to ask for help...to admit that some things are easier with the support of others.

I'm sure the person is aware of the weight gain, but a supportive friend who says "I can see you're struggling...what can I do to help?" might be just what she needs to get back on track.

Searching44

Okay, I'm baffled by those replies saying she should tell her friend. Why would it be anyone's responsibility to tell someone else they are gaining weight?

No offense intended to anyone, but accountability does not mean having someone else tell me I'm goofing up. It means I'm paying enough attention to my own behavior to see when I'm goofing up and take immediate action to remedy the situation if I so choose to.

Why would it be her responsibility? Because her friend asked her for help in the matter. Why not use all the tools we have...not just the things we do ourselves, but also the support of those who care about us. Sometimes we need a little push from outside forces...that doesn't make us weak, or mean that we aren't holding ourselves accountable...in fact, it shows strength and courage to ask for help...to admit that some things are easier with the support of others.

I'm sure the person is aware of the weight gain, but a supportive friend who says "I can see you're struggling...what can I do to help?" might be just what she needs to get back on track.

+1:flowerforyou:

777Gemma888

I have a family member who lost a lot of weight last year. At that time, she told me to let her know if she started gaining again.

Well, she's gaining again. Do I dare say anything? Doubt she'll take it well and it probably won't change her ways.

What to do, what to do???

Send her a gift basket with workout wear, gym membership, fitness magazine subscriptions, protein powder(s) et al ~ you may place a card in it or not ~ your choice. If she fails to get the message or ignores it outrightly, something has triggered your family member to revert to her former self ~ the escalation of her calories in, which has directly affected her expanding measurements.

RoyBeck

You know your friend better than any of us so do as you see best.

MaritzK

If she asked you to tell her I think you should.. Maybe she needs that to admit it to herself or she wants to know when it's become so 'bad' that other can see it. Whatever the reason is she asked you and as she's a grown-up I think she was well aware of what she said then and what it could mean for the future. If someone approaches you and asks you to do that for her, she's not asking because she wants to be nice, she really wants you to tell her. The only thing is: be really really careful on hoe you tell her. And think of in what way you would like to be told that kind of news. I'm sure it will turn out fine for you both Good luck!

MyJourney1960

I have a family member who lost a lot of weight last year. At that time, she told me to let her know if she started gaining again.

Well, she's gaining again. Do I dare say anything? Doubt she'll take it well and it probably won't change her ways.

What to do, what to do???

since you agreed to be her diet police, then you should tell her ONCE (be direct but kind, don't beat aroudn the bush) and then tell her "listen jane, I know this is about you and your diet but your asking me to let you know that you've started to gain weight put a lot of unnecessary stress on ME and I am opting out".

adorable_aly

I'd tell her. I really didn't notice I had put so much weight on because I had so much else going on in my life at the time. I wish someone had told me, but then I'm not that sensitive about the issue. She asked you too, and if you do it in the right way there shouldn't be a problem

MeanderingMammal

What to do, what to do???

Position it around asking her how shes finding maintenance rather than losing. Let her come to the conclusion herself.

jerbsod

A women will say "you let me know I prefer the truth" and thats a straight lie, they want to hear nice things making the first statement to their ears the absolute compliment (and the truth).
Doesn't work the over way around.
Remember Snow white? you do not want to be the mirror..
stay silent brother. she will take this badly and you gonna be the bad insensitive guy.
Unless you have a personal investment in the matter (you know what I mean) you stay silent FOREVER. If she asks you, compliment her, and say she is definitely hot and say maybe a couple poundsssss..... but she looks even better this way.
This will send alarm bells..the only ones you can afford

sloth3toes

Starting to think not to tell her. I don't think it was fair of her to put me in this spot in the first place. It's not my responsibility to tell her the obvious. She tends to put things on others a lot and this is just one of those things.

Well, it really sux to be you, doesn't it?

Here's the thing. If you do tell her, things probably won't go that well. But, they might.... and even if she's pissed at first, maybe she'll come around, when you remind her that she TOLD you to tell her.

But, if you don't say anything.... she is definitely gonna be pissed eventually... because once she gains enough, she's gonna come straight to you, and say, 'how the hell did YOU let this happen? I TOLD you to tell me if this was happening.'

So, if you tell her, you have a small chance of things coming out OK. If you don't tell her... eventually, it's going to be your fault, for sure.

NewCaddy

I think you should say something. Be gentle, but do it. I agree that we all know when we are gaining weight, but sometimes it takes an outside voice to make it real.

micheleld73

What she was really asking was for you to tell if her if becomes *obvious* that she's gaining weight - because it's so, so easy to pretend it's not happening or that no one has noticed. Look at how many people on this site admit they were walking around in denial, thinking they somehow "carried it well" or "weren't that fat" until a long-avoided weigh-in or an unflattering photo opened their eyes. She sounds to me like a woman who knows herself well enough to ask for a little tough love.

+1

ctalimenti

Thanks for all the responses. I think I will just tell her kindly and hope for the best.

emilyisbonkers

I would tell her.
I wish someone had told me when I started to gain weight back

RosaliaBee

If she asked you to, then absolutely yes!

piersonj

I have to admit that I would not notice that I was gaining weight back. I did not own a scale until I decided to start tracking my calories, bought on because the sight needed my weight to calculate my maintenance number. I could not tell you the size of the clothes I ca currently wearing. When I see a top or pair of pants that I like, I try it on until i find the one that fits best then never look at the tag agian. Most times I remove the tag for comfort so I couldn't tell you the size if I wanted. Also because I live in an apartment the only mirror is over the sink. I think it was set by a taller man, I can only see my shoulders and up. It took an almost 50 weight gain before I noticed.

BobOki

IMO yes. Yes you do. And then offer to hop on the wagon with her to lose.

12skipafew99100

If she asked you to tell her then tell her. I'm sure she already knows. Do it in a way that lets her know you care and you would be sad to see her undo all the work she did. Offer to work out with her or plan a healthful menu together. If she gets angry remind her that maintaiing is harder than losing and she did ask you to help her. You can go far in "love".

TemeraldMarie

Haha they had an episode on GIrl code about that. one of the replies was 'ggirl, that souble chin os real. Lets work out together. shell be mad at u at first but shell thank you in the end.... lmao.

i probabl Wouldnt say that but maybe say im going
g for a walk would you care to join me?

aakaakaak

Be direct.
Be caring.
Be helpful.
Be about your business.

You: I love you.
Them: I...I love you too?
You: You're starting to gain weight again.
Them: I...yeah, I know. I didn't want to think about it, but yeah.
You: Anything I can help you with?
Them: I...I don't know. Maybe. I just didn't want to think about it for a while.
You: I get it. Time to get back on the horse. Wanna come to Zumba with me?
Them: Nah, I'm gonna sulk for a day. Maybe tomorrow.
You: Okay, up to you. I leave in an hour if you change your mind.
Them: Thanks, I appreciate you not nagging.
You: No problem. We still doing that thing later?
Them: Yup!

At least, that's how it would happen in my head.

Therealobi1

if she is close to you and asked you to then yes you should. just be gentle as its a sensitive subject.


I notice in general people seem to find it easier to tell people they are losing too much weight but never that they are gaining.

SoftHeat

I have told a bunch of people (I lost track) that if I ever did something, just shoot me. No, I don't actually want to be shot.

Ha! My sister & used to say that to erach other all of the time. "If I ever get that big, just shoot me". By this point, I would be shot. I guess we aren't the best accountability partners.


Back to OP - I would want you to say something.

sloth3toes

To the OP..... please let us know, if you tell her, what the outcome is. Inquiring minds wanna know.

SLLRunner

Starting to think not to tell her. I don't think it was fair of her to put me in this spot in the first place. It's not my responsibility to tell her the obvious. She tends to put things on others a lot and this is just one of those things.

There you go. You got it.

SLLRunner

Since she asked you to...yes you should. But just once. If she gets upset just remind her that you only mention it because that is what she said she wanted. Then drop the subject and don't bring it up again.

I so disagree. Just because someone asks you to do something does not mean you are obligated to do it, even if you are the best of friends or family.

The OP said it a few posts upstream-that her friend often put things on other people. There is no reason to play into it.

SLLRunner

Okay, I'm baffled by those replies saying she should tell her friend. Why would it be anyone's responsibility to tell someone else they are gaining weight?

No offense intended to anyone, but accountability does not mean having someone else tell me I'm goofing up. It means I'm paying enough attention to my own behavior to see when I'm goofing up and take immediate action to remedy the situation if I so choose to.

Why would it be her responsibility? Because her friend asked her for help in the matter. Why not use all the tools we have...not just the things we do ourselves, but also the support of those who care about us. Sometimes we need a little push from outside forces...that doesn't make us weak, or mean that we aren't holding ourselves accountable...in fact, it shows strength and courage to ask for help...to admit that some things are easier with the support of others.

I'm sure the person is aware of the weight gain, but a supportive friend who says "I can see you're struggling...what can I do to help?" might be just what she needs to get back on track.

I think a point is being missed here. Support does not mean telling someone else when they've gained weight, or even that they are eating a certain thing, or not exercising enough. Support means you are there as a friend giving kudos, accepting them in their journey, treating them as you would any friend or person you love.

This is not the situation of seeing someone struggling. It sounds to me like the OP's family member wants a straight out "hey, you look like you're gaining weight." Why is that even anyone else's responsibility to say?