Do I tell her she's gaining?

trinatrina1984

Could you suggest doing some exercise together - something like couch to 5k make her feel like she would be doing you a favour working out together?

Unknown

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999tigger

You only started to know when she was 25lbs over?
Buy her some scales and she can do it herself, but it looks like she had zero strategy on what to do for maintenance.

I'd have picked my moment and chosen a tactful way to say it as well as offering support, but if someone asks me to do something and I agree then I dont shirk from carrying it out. If you dont have it in you, then tell her mother.

galprincess

If I was gaining weight id know about it I would be honest but gently honest then see if there are ways you can help. if she isn't on here point her this way

blossomingbutterfly

Em_runs_away wrote: »

If she asked for your help telling her when she's gaining then yes, I'd mention it. I wouldn't otherwise. I might say "I wondered if you'd like someone to walk/run/gym/swim with, I remembered you asking me to offer support last year" then await the response. It's a bit unfair of her to ask you to tell her if she will then take it badly though!

This.

Deipneus

ctalimenti wrote: »

What to do, what to do???

Not if you are so unsure that you are relying on the opinions of random strangers.

Vicxie86

It is not always obvious you are gaining weight. Some are in denial and believe they still look the same e.g i was gaining weight for years and still believe i looked the same until i started to lose weight and compared myself to old pics, that when it hit me. I did not realise how big i had gotten UNTIL i lost weight, not even before.

I don't think this is so complicated at all. If she's asked you to tell her, then do so. My friends and i are the type to just tell the other "hmmm, you've gained weight" and no one would be offended by that but maybe that's just us and everyone else is so uptight. If you were a man, i would understand the dilemma.

blossomingbutterfly

ctalimenti wrote: »

Starting to think not to tell her. I don't think it was fair of her to put me in this spot in the first place. It's not my responsibility to tell her the obvious. She tends to put things on others a lot and this is just one of those things.

It probably wasn't fair for her to put you in that spot to begin with, however, you did agree to it. The honest part of me says if you agreed to, to follow through with it. And mention to her that you don't like being in a position to have to mention it because it makes you feel uncomfortable.

999tigger

How do some people get up in the morning and get dressed?

NetflixAndChocolate

Dont you dare.

beccadaniixox

Yes tell her. She asked you to tell her. Often females will be in denials of their weight gain... especially after they've lost it, they hate to admit they "got off track".

MscGray

I personally think that since you agreed to help keep her accountable, then you should hold up your end of it. With that said there are definately ways that you can be tactful. Pick out an exercise class at a gym that neither of you have been to, and then ask her come with you for a few classes until you get the hang of it. With any luck she will enjoy the class and it might help kick start her again. I also agree with others that while you might notice your weight creeping back up, some people arent honest with themselves until someone else brings it up.

PescetarianPrincess

33Freya wrote: »

Ask her how she's doing on maintaining and what she's doing for working out and/or keeping track. She'll probably volunteer that she has been slipping. Then you can ask her how you can support her! Good luck.:flowerforyou:

I don't agree with this. Passive aggressive comments make me angrier than a flat out one. If she said to say something, she might not have meant it. What I would do is completely take the focus off of her, and make it about you. "I need a workout buddy." Rather than asking if she needs one. Don't be insensitive. She knows she is gaining weight. Guide her, don't tell her.

astroophys

MrM27 wrote: »

astroophys wrote: »

Why not? Not everyone is aware of how much they are gaining. I don't really understand why people get so sensitive about something that is generally reversible and controllable. I was really grateful for those who were vocal about my weight gain and regretful that they didn't mention it earlier. I was shocked to find out JUST how much weight I had gained.

Because it's not your job to walk around telling people what's wrong with them. How would you like if people came up to you and suggested you not wear an ugly shirt or go get your teeth whitened. It's you basically butting in on other people's life's.

You being shocked at how much weight you gained makes no sense. It was you gaining it. You probably didn't feel bad enough about it until people shoved it in your face.

If you told someone that they were gaining weight and that person turned around and told you to f off, would you be okay with that? Because I think that is a justified response.

Why are you so reactive? I just said that I was appreciative of those who told me I was gaining weight. It didn't offend me because my weight isn't where I find value. I was shocked because some of my clothes still fit. I was shocked because I was still receiving romantic and sexual attention. I also gained weight fairly slowly at a rate of 10 lbs a year over the course of 5 years, and I'm tall. And most people were shocked when I told them how much I weighed because I just didn't look it. You really don't have to be rude, you know.

If someone that I cared for responded with a "f off", I would be surprised because that's a really rude way to speak to a loved one. I don't talk to people like that. I guess you do? That's fine.

I don't understand your vitriol. Good luck to you.

astroophys

MrM27 wrote: »

astroophys wrote: »

Why not? Not everyone is aware of how much they are gaining. I don't really understand why people get so sensitive about something that is generally reversible and controllable. I was really grateful for those who were vocal about my weight gain and regretful that they didn't mention it earlier. I was shocked to find out JUST how much weight I had gained.

Because it's not your job to walk around telling people what's wrong with them. How would you like if people came up to you and suggested you not wear an ugly shirt or go get your teeth whitened. It's you basically butting in on other people's life's.

You being shocked at how much weight you gained makes no sense. It was you gaining it. You probably didn't feel bad enough about it until people shoved it in your face.

If you told someone that they were gaining weight and that person turned around and told you to f off, would you be okay with that? Because I think that is a justified response.

I also would like to add that this is probably cultural. My family is not American. Many non-American cultures (like in East Asia, for instance) find nothing wrong with telling their friends and loved ones when they are gaining weight. It's just not that big of a deal in those cultures and not worth an intense emotional response like "f off."

Also, no one needed to shove anything in my face (which no one did because I don't really spend time with such kinds of people). I didn't care for how I looked or felt, but I made excuses for myself, as many people in all kinds of situations do.

You don't have to be so angry, guy.

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Nettabee

Seeing how this post originally started in December 2013 and you said as of today she's still gaining, she definitely knows. Either offer to help, i.e. work out with her, offer to help with any food changes/choices she may want to make as she did the first time, or, just let her be.

If she did it once she can do it again.

caracrawford1

ctalimenti wrote: »

I have a family member who lost a lot of weight last year. At that time, she told me to let her know if she started gaining again.

Well, she's gaining again. Do I dare say anything? Doubt she'll take it well and it probably won't change her ways.

What to do, what to do???

ctalimenti wrote: »

I have a family member who lost a lot of weight last year. At that time, she told me to let her know if she started gaining again.

Well, she's gaining again. Do I dare say anything? Doubt she'll take it well and it probably won't change her ways.

What to do, what to do???

Would you take secret glee in informing her of her gain? Do you think she really is oblivious? Most importantly, do the pros of doing this outweigh the con's? (I realize she asked you, but that was when shed lost weight, she may be in a different place, mentally, now)

7aneena

Yes people who gain weight know it, but there's also this thing called denial!!
I remember a period where the battery of my scale died and I didn't weigh myself for 2 months and I gained a lot. I didn't "really" admit it to myself until I wanted to go out with my family and I couldn't fit in a dress that 2 months prior was loose !

I would tell her, not in exact words, maybe you can say something like "hey let's go out, you can wear that (pick an outfit that she used to wear and look good in) it looks good on you"
There's no denying a dress or outfit that does not fit anymore

Obviously it will hit her hard, so be there to support her

999tigger

Just get her to ring me and I will tell her. Mountain molehill.

Kalikel

This is one of those times when age is a blessing. At 22, I'd have said, "Sure!" if someone asked me if I'd pipe up when I saw them gaining. Now, if someone asked me to do that, I'd say,"No way!"

Probably best that the OP never said anything.

Christine_72

I'd tell her. Often times people don't realise or see that they're putting on weight.

hortensehildegarde

I tend to side with the people who said that you agreed to do it, so you should do it. But that's probably just because I feel like people should keep their word.

Would it be possible to say something to the effect of "a long time ago you asked me to X, but I was thinking about it the other day and I wanted to apoligize. I never should have agreed to X, and I just wanted to say I am sorry and I am not comfortable doing that" or something like that. Hard to phrase without knowing how she is and the nature of your relationship.

If I had asked someone to do that for me I would have really wanted them to do it, and it would really insult me/make me sad if they later failed to do it. I wouldn't care if they said "no I am not comfortable doing that" to begin with, or even later on said they changed their mind. But to just go back on their word and not even talk to me about it I would find hurtful.

I agree it is complicated because you stand in the position of a role model. I don't think parental figures should be modeling behavior that involves committing to things they don't want to do and/or not following through on their commitments.

Of course that is all presuming she actually took your agreeing to do it as a real commitment, and she wasn't just messing with you or joking around to begin with and then totally forgot you had agreed to it 30 minutes later.

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Alluminati

"Do I tell her she's gaining?"

Do you want to die?

LeonCX

How do I tell her she's gaining.

Sounds like the title of a country western song.

MKEgal

She asked you to tell her.
Did you agree to do it? Yes? Then do it.
Do it nicely, offer to help her with whatever you can (or want to), but tell her.
I guarantee she already knows her clothes don't fit right, might even have admitted to herself she's gained some weight back.

This person is actually my step-daughter who made the request so it's dangerous territory.
I have not said anything and she has continued to gain. She's probably 25 more lbs.

The sooner she gets back on track, the sooner she'll be at a healthy weight again.

Is she a minor, living in your house, and you make the meals?
You can control calories in, at least while she's at home.

I like the idea of asking her to join you in an exercise class.

libbydoodle11

She already knows that she is gaining.

lavendah

astroophys wrote: »

MrM27 wrote: »

astroophys wrote: »

Why not? Not everyone is aware of how much they are gaining. I don't really understand why people get so sensitive about something that is generally reversible and controllable. I was really grateful for those who were vocal about my weight gain and regretful that they didn't mention it earlier. I was shocked to find out JUST how much weight I had gained.

Because it's not your job to walk around telling people what's wrong with them. How would you like if people came up to you and suggested you not wear an ugly shirt or go get your teeth whitened. It's you basically butting in on other people's life's.

You being shocked at how much weight you gained makes no sense. It was you gaining it. You probably didn't feel bad enough about it until people shoved it in your face.

If you told someone that they were gaining weight and that person turned around and told you to f off, would you be okay with that? Because I think that is a justified response.

I also would like to add that this is probably cultural. My family is not American. Many non-American cultures (like in East Asia, for instance) find nothing wrong with telling their friends and loved ones when they are gaining weight. It's just not that big of a deal in those cultures and not worth an intense emotional response like "f off."

Also, no one needed to shove anything in my face (which no one did because I don't really spend time with such kinds of people). I didn't care for how I looked or felt, but I made excuses for myself, as many people in all kinds of situations do.

You don't have to be so angry, guy.

I hope it's about the culture..I can't even digest the fact that someone will have to indulge in so much of thinking and evaluation before telling their family member that they're getting fat.Is it really that big of a deal

21million

OdesAngel wrote: »

"Do I tell her she's gaining?"

Do you want to die?

Haha! I was 110lbs at the beginning of the year and now I'm 130 because everyone says I look fine (and I totally do, but I am not comfortable. I'm tiny, btw!). Now I kinda wish someone gave me a complex 10 pounds ago, but I may have cried. So, no one wins. I'd leave it be. If she doesn't notice then she couldn't have put too much on, I wouldn't put someone in a situation where they may get really hurt over a few vanity pounds. Heck, we all struggle with a few pounds now and again! if she gained like, 50+, trust, she knows.