Do I tell her she's gaining?

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  • adorable_aly
    adorable_aly Posts: 398 Member
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    I'd tell her. I really didn't notice I had put so much weight on because I had so much else going on in my life at the time. I wish someone had told me, but then I'm not that sensitive about the issue. She asked you too, and if you do it in the right way there shouldn't be a problem :)
  • MeanderingMammal
    MeanderingMammal Posts: 7,866 Member
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    What to do, what to do???

    Position it around asking her how shes finding maintenance rather than losing. Let her come to the conclusion herself.
  • jerbsod
    jerbsod Posts: 48
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    A women will say "you let me know I prefer the truth" and thats a straight lie, they want to hear nice things making the first statement to their ears the absolute compliment (and the truth).
    Doesn't work the over way around.
    Remember Snow white? you do not want to be the mirror..
    stay silent brother. she will take this badly and you gonna be the bad insensitive guy.
    Unless you have a personal investment in the matter (you know what I mean) you stay silent FOREVER. If she asks you, compliment her, and say she is definitely hot and say maybe a couple poundsssss..... but she looks even better this way.
    This will send alarm bells..the only ones you can afford :p
  • sloth3toes
    sloth3toes Posts: 2,212 Member
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    Starting to think not to tell her. I don't think it was fair of her to put me in this spot in the first place. It's not my responsibility to tell her the obvious. She tends to put things on others a lot and this is just one of those things.

    Well, it really sux to be you, doesn't it? :wink:

    Here's the thing. If you do tell her, things probably won't go that well. But, they might.... and even if she's pissed at first, maybe she'll come around, when you remind her that she TOLD you to tell her.

    But, if you don't say anything.... she is definitely gonna be pissed eventually... because once she gains enough, she's gonna come straight to you, and say, 'how the hell did YOU let this happen? I TOLD you to tell me if this was happening.'

    So, if you tell her, you have a small chance of things coming out OK. If you don't tell her... eventually, it's going to be your fault, for sure.
  • NewCaddy
    NewCaddy Posts: 845 Member
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    I think you should say something. Be gentle, but do it. I agree that we all know when we are gaining weight, but sometimes it takes an outside voice to make it real.
  • micheleld73
    micheleld73 Posts: 914 Member
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    What she was really asking was for you to tell if her if becomes *obvious* that she's gaining weight - because it's so, so easy to pretend it's not happening or that no one has noticed. Look at how many people on this site admit they were walking around in denial, thinking they somehow "carried it well" or "weren't that fat" until a long-avoided weigh-in or an unflattering photo opened their eyes. She sounds to me like a woman who knows herself well enough to ask for a little tough love.

    +1
  • ctalimenti
    ctalimenti Posts: 865 Member
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    Thanks for all the responses. I think I will just tell her kindly and hope for the best.
  • emilyisbonkers
    emilyisbonkers Posts: 373 Member
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    I would tell her.
    I wish someone had told me when I started to gain weight back
  • RosaliaBee
    RosaliaBee Posts: 146 Member
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    If she asked you to, then absolutely yes!
  • piersonj
    piersonj Posts: 62 Member
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    I have to admit that I would not notice that I was gaining weight back. I did not own a scale until I decided to start tracking my calories, bought on because the sight needed my weight to calculate my maintenance number. I could not tell you the size of the clothes I ca currently wearing. When I see a top or pair of pants that I like, I try it on until i find the one that fits best then never look at the tag agian. Most times I remove the tag for comfort so I couldn't tell you the size if I wanted. Also because I live in an apartment the only mirror is over the sink. I think it was set by a taller man, I can only see my shoulders and up. It took an almost 50 weight gain before I noticed.
  • BobOki
    BobOki Posts: 245 Member
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    IMO yes. Yes you do. And then offer to hop on the wagon with her to lose.
  • 12skipafew99100
    12skipafew99100 Posts: 1,669 Member
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    If she asked you to tell her then tell her. I'm sure she already knows. Do it in a way that lets her know you care and you would be sad to see her undo all the work she did. Offer to work out with her or plan a healthful menu together. If she gets angry remind her that maintaiing is harder than losing and she did ask you to help her. You can go far in "love".
  • TemeraldMarie
    TemeraldMarie Posts: 69 Member
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    Haha they had an episode on GIrl code about that. one of the replies was 'ggirl, that souble chin os real. Lets work out together. shell be mad at u at first but shell thank you in the end.... lmao.

    i probabl Wouldnt say that but maybe say im going
    g for a walk would you care to join me?
  • aakaakaak
    aakaakaak Posts: 1,240 Member
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    Be direct.
    Be caring.
    Be helpful.
    Be about your business.

    You: I love you.
    Them: I...I love you too?
    You: You're starting to gain weight again.
    Them: I...yeah, I know. I didn't want to think about it, but yeah.
    You: Anything I can help you with?
    Them: I...I don't know. Maybe. I just didn't want to think about it for a while.
    You: I get it. Time to get back on the horse. Wanna come to Zumba with me?
    Them: Nah, I'm gonna sulk for a day. Maybe tomorrow.
    You: Okay, up to you. I leave in an hour if you change your mind.
    Them: Thanks, I appreciate you not nagging.
    You: No problem. We still doing that thing later?
    Them: Yup!

    At least, that's how it would happen in my head.
  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,261 Member
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    if she is close to you and asked you to then yes you should. just be gentle as its a sensitive subject.


    I notice in general people seem to find it easier to tell people they are losing too much weight but never that they are gaining.
  • SoftHeat
    SoftHeat Posts: 44
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    I have told a bunch of people (I lost track) that if I ever did something, just shoot me. No, I don't actually want to be shot.

    Ha! My sister & used to say that to erach other all of the time. "If I ever get that big, just shoot me". By this point, I would be shot. I guess we aren't the best accountability partners.


    Back to OP - I would want you to say something.
  • sloth3toes
    sloth3toes Posts: 2,212 Member
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    To the OP..... please let us know, if you tell her, what the outcome is. Inquiring minds wanna know.

    :smile:
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,943 Member
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    Starting to think not to tell her. I don't think it was fair of her to put me in this spot in the first place. It's not my responsibility to tell her the obvious. She tends to put things on others a lot and this is just one of those things.

    There you go. You got it.
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,943 Member
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    Since she asked you to...yes you should. But just once. If she gets upset just remind her that you only mention it because that is what she said she wanted. Then drop the subject and don't bring it up again.

    I so disagree. Just because someone asks you to do something does not mean you are obligated to do it, even if you are the best of friends or family.

    The OP said it a few posts upstream-that her friend often put things on other people. There is no reason to play into it.
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,943 Member
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    Okay, I'm baffled by those replies saying she should tell her friend. Why would it be anyone's responsibility to tell someone else they are gaining weight?

    No offense intended to anyone, but accountability does not mean having someone else tell me I'm goofing up. It means I'm paying enough attention to my own behavior to see when I'm goofing up and take immediate action to remedy the situation if I so choose to.

    Why would it be her responsibility? Because her friend asked her for help in the matter. Why not use all the tools we have...not just the things we do ourselves, but also the support of those who care about us. Sometimes we need a little push from outside forces...that doesn't make us weak, or mean that we aren't holding ourselves accountable...in fact, it shows strength and courage to ask for help...to admit that some things are easier with the support of others.

    I'm sure the person is aware of the weight gain, but a supportive friend who says "I can see you're struggling...what can I do to help?" might be just what she needs to get back on track.

    I think a point is being missed here. Support does not mean telling someone else when they've gained weight, or even that they are eating a certain thing, or not exercising enough. Support means you are there as a friend giving kudos, accepting them in their journey, treating them as you would any friend or person you love.

    This is not the situation of seeing someone struggling. It sounds to me like the OP's family member wants a straight out "hey, you look like you're gaining weight." Why is that even anyone else's responsibility to say?

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