Do I tell her she's gaining?

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  • WalkingAlong
    WalkingAlong Posts: 4,926 Member
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    Maybe you should buy her a scale for Christmas and tell her you're not comfortable being her alert system.

    I come from a family of many sisters and we've learned not to comment at all on anyone's physical appearance. Even "You look fabulous!" can be heard as, "I'm judging your appearance and the times I don't compliment you means you don't look so great."
  • sloth3toes
    sloth3toes Posts: 2,212 Member
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    Maybe you should buy her a scale for Christmas and tell her you're not comfortable being her alert system.

    I come from a family of many sisters and we've learned not to comment at all on anyone's physical appearance. Even "You look fabulous!" can be heard as, "I'm judging your appearance and the times I don't compliment you means you don't look so great."

    I've thought of this.... commenting to someone that 'they look really good, have they lost weight?.......' Then, 6 months later, when they've gained it back, and then some.... things get kinda awkward. :blushing:
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,943 Member
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    Support does not mean telling someone else when they've gained weight, or even that they are eating a certain thing, or not exercising enough. Support means you are there as a friend giving kudos, accepting them in their journey, treating them as you would any friend or person you love.

    So, basically, support is ALWAYS being positive, and avoiding the truth, if it's negative. Sort of like, how it's supposed to be at MFP ?

    0.jpg

    Cute picture. :smile:

    Of course support is not always being positive. It means honesty, but that's not what the issue is here in my opinion. The friend is asking the OP to take some responsibility for the friend's weight loss. Why?

    Why on earth should we ask someone else to tell us if we are gaining weight when we already know it ourselves? The truth is in the tight clothes and the scale a d how our bodies feel.

    I am 100% responsible for keeping my weight under control (or not) and recognizing if I'm gaining weight.
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,943 Member
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    Okay, I'm baffled by those replies saying she should tell her friend. Why would it be anyone's responsibility to tell someone else they are gaining weight?

    No offense intended to anyone, but accountability does not mean having someone else tell me I'm goofing up. It means I'm paying enough attention to my own behavior to see when I'm goofing up and take immediate action to remedy the situation if I so choose to.

    Do you not have friends? This is the type of thing that friends do for each other. "Not my problem" might be the right attitude for anyone other than a friend. The OP says the friend specifically asked to be told. You would be a horrible friend to NOT mention it at this point.

    Many friends, and many who are on weight loss journeys. None have ever asked me to tell them when they are gaining weight, or even to monitor their behavior in any way. If the did ask I would have to say no. If the don't want to be my friend anymore then so be it.

    Why do I say this? Because in the past I've been in situations like this and it never ends well.
  • ctalimenti
    ctalimenti Posts: 865 Member
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    JennedyJLD wrote: »
    That's a really bizarre request. She's responsible for her own weight management. If you've noticed that she's put on weight, she is certainly capable of stepping on a scale to confirm it.

    Totally agree.

    Just updating here since we can now see all of our old threads more easily.

    This person is actually my step-daughter who made the request so it's dangerous territory.

    I have not said anything and she has continued to gain. She's probably 25 more lbs.

  • Liftng4Lis
    Liftng4Lis Posts: 15,150 Member
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    She definitely knows if she's gaining.
  • astroophys
    astroophys Posts: 175 Member
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    Why not? Not everyone is aware of how much they are gaining. I don't really understand why people get so sensitive about something that is generally reversible and controllable. I was really grateful for those who were vocal about my weight gain and regretful that they didn't mention it earlier. I was shocked to find out JUST how much weight I had gained.
  • nicoleagafitness
    nicoleagafitness Posts: 100 Member
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    jerbsod wrote: »
    You DO NOT want to have that conversation with a women EVER...
    NEVER EVER tell a woman she is getting well... fat
    Smart dude right here!
  • Tiamo719
    Tiamo719 Posts: 256 Member
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    Serious conundrum. How close of a family member is she? As I gained weight, my family members never told me, why would they have to tell me? I have a mirror and clothes that didn't fit.

    Maybe you can just ask her how the maintenance is going?
  • trinatrina1984
    trinatrina1984 Posts: 1,018 Member
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    Could you suggest doing some exercise together - something like couch to 5k make her feel like she would be doing you a favour working out together?
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
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    You only started to know when she was 25lbs over?
    Buy her some scales and she can do it herself, but it looks like she had zero strategy on what to do for maintenance.

    I'd have picked my moment and chosen a tactful way to say it as well as offering support, but if someone asks me to do something and I agree then I dont shirk from carrying it out. If you dont have it in you, then tell her mother.
  • galprincess
    galprincess Posts: 682 Member
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    If I was gaining weight id know about it I would be honest but gently honest then see if there are ways you can help. if she isn't on here point her this way
  • blossomingbutterfly
    blossomingbutterfly Posts: 743 Member
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    Em_runs_away wrote: »
    If she asked for your help telling her when she's gaining then yes, I'd mention it. I wouldn't otherwise. I might say "I wondered if you'd like someone to walk/run/gym/swim with, I remembered you asking me to offer support last year" then await the response. It's a bit unfair of her to ask you to tell her if she will then take it badly though!

    This.
  • Deipneus
    Deipneus Posts: 1,862 Member
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    ctalimenti wrote: »
    What to do, what to do???
    Not if you are so unsure that you are relying on the opinions of random strangers.

  • Vicxie86
    Vicxie86 Posts: 181 Member
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    It is not always obvious you are gaining weight. Some are in denial and believe they still look the same e.g i was gaining weight for years and still believe i looked the same until i started to lose weight and compared myself to old pics, that when it hit me. I did not realise how big i had gotten UNTIL i lost weight, not even before.

    I don't think this is so complicated at all. If she's asked you to tell her, then do so. My friends and i are the type to just tell the other "hmmm, you've gained weight" and no one would be offended by that but maybe that's just us and everyone else is so uptight. If you were a man, i would understand the dilemma.
  • blossomingbutterfly
    blossomingbutterfly Posts: 743 Member
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    ctalimenti wrote: »
    Starting to think not to tell her. I don't think it was fair of her to put me in this spot in the first place. It's not my responsibility to tell her the obvious. She tends to put things on others a lot and this is just one of those things.

    It probably wasn't fair for her to put you in that spot to begin with, however, you did agree to it. The honest part of me says if you agreed to, to follow through with it. And mention to her that you don't like being in a position to have to mention it because it makes you feel uncomfortable.
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
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    How do some people get up in the morning and get dressed?
  • NetflixAndChocolate
    NetflixAndChocolate Posts: 57 Member
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    Dont you dare.

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