Can cheaters change?

Ninguneado77

No, they cannot. Can some cheaters stop cheating because they realize there is much to lose in this life? Maybe, very few times though.

Bahet

Of course they can! Alcoholics can give up booze. Fat people can get skinny. Cheaters can become monogamous. It just takes wanting to change and some motivation to do so.

askeates

Although my experience is limited to my ex-hubby, the answer is no. He is re-married and has cheated on her multiple times as well! Shoot before they even got engaged he was cheating on her, and it has continued!

Ninguneado77

Of course they can! Alcoholics can give up booze. Fat people can get skinny. Cheaters can become monogamous. It just takes wanting to change and some motivation to do so.

Would you call it "change" if the "change" happens because they become aware of the pain they inflict on themselves? The selfishness has been curbed, or is managed, that's all. The consequences of their licentiousness still lives. The fact that they changed does not erase the pain they inflicted on others.

_KitKat_

No, they cannot. Can some cheaters stop cheating because they realize there is much to lose in this life? Maybe, very few times though.

I agree, but I do think just because someone has cheated in the past, it does not dictate future relationships (not counting who they cheated with).

Although I always wonder about the people that get a man/woman that was taken and they think that person will be loyal to them.

Ailbe1

No, from my experience, they cannot. I love hearing when my ex cheats on the woman he cheated on me with!!

beckyzalldat

ONCE A CHEAT....ALWAYS A CHEAT...PLAIN AND SIMPLE

KANGOOJUMPS

NO!!!!!
NO!!!!!
NO!!!!!!
NO!!!!!
NO!!!!!!
NO!!!!!!!
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ModernNerd

From what I've seen with friends, they can but it takes a solid slap upside the head for that to happen. And even then, the backlash of their actions follow them into future relationships, making them paranoid and ultimately ruining the relationship. Takes a long time and the right people coming into their lives.

KANGOOJUMPS

well, maybe.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
NOT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

KendleX

Are we talking wall hacks and aim bots or like real life peoples.

DMZ_1

No.

Let someone else figure that out. It isn't advisable to date a past cheater if you value your time and are serious about building a quality relationship.

vtmoon

Once they find something worth it they won't. People tend to cheat when they think cheating is worth it, it's an option/opportunity cost.

Some people aren't capable of change, some people have the intellectual capacity to accommodate change.

If we truly didn't believe in change as a society we wouldn't need prisons with rehabilitation programs, we would just ship people away to a fenced state and leave them there.

walleyclan1

Yes

UsedToBeHusky

Of course they can! Alcoholics can give up booze. Fat people can get skinny. Cheaters can become monogamous. It just takes wanting to change and some motivation to do so.

Would you call it "change" if the "change" happens because they become aware of the pain they inflict on themselves? The selfishness has been curbed, or is managed, that's all. The consequences of their licentiousness still lives. The fact that they changed does not erase the pain they inflicted on others.

Of course it doesn't mitigate the consequences of their old behavior, but that doesn't mean that they aren't redeemable either.

We all make choices in life. I hate to make it black and white. But people are creatures of habit. Either you make good choices or you make bad choices. Most people do not recognize that the choices they make are bad until they suffer some major consequence. If they suffer consequences, and still are not able to take accountability for their actions, then its pretty likely that there is a mental issue at work that may have never been diagnosed or is just going untreated.

For the most part, though, our brains are programmed to recognize our own flaws and redirect ourselves, either as a result of authoritative discipline or natural consequences.

I think the idea that a cheater will never change comes from the concept that we get trapped in cycles of behavior. If you cheat in a relationship, and that individual forgives you, the odds are pretty good you will cheat again because you didn't suffer the consequence of losing a relationship that mattered to you. And if that individual doesn't forgive you and doesn't take you back and you move on to a new relationship and cheat, then that means that the first relationship didn't really matter to you.

mayaocean

Yeah they can change who they cheat on

rml_16

No, they cannot. Can some cheaters stop cheating because they realize there is much to lose in this life? Maybe, very few times though.

I think it depends on the motivation behind the cheating. If he's just a jerk, probably not.

But some guys play the field a lot when they're young and immature (and women, too). And then there are those who are in terrible relationships, extremely unhappy and for whatever reason (finances, kids, location, whatever) they can't or won't leave, but are so miserable they look elsewhere for emotional fulfillment.

In those latter cases, I don't think they're cheaters at heart and in the right relationship they won't cheat.

UsedToBeHusky

Honestly, it's absolutely ignorant to think that an individual's personality and character stays completely stagnant for their entire lives.

ItsCasey

I find that people who cheat lack the basic character traits that are necessary in monogamous relationships. They are capable of loving, but they have no respect for other people and no sense of loyalty.

I had a guy tell me (on the first date, no less) that he had cheated on a girlfriend before, but he felt really guilty and broke up with her two days later, so "at least I have a conscience and would tell you about it if I ever did it." So he was basically admitting to me that he'd have no problem doing it again. He'd just be sure to break up with me. Afterward. Because he has a conscience.

I had one of these moments:

Followingsea

Sure, but they aren't going to get the chance with me.

UsedToBeHusky

I stopped cheating because I realized there are too many women to cheat with.
Women are just every where, I was getting tired of cheating.

Aw... it's a hard life, ain't it, baby?

sixout

Holy crap people are judgmental.

As a former cheater, I say that no. Cheaters can not change.

I guess I say that as a current cheater as well, come to think of it.

Celtic_Ace

Change can and will only occur when pain and then fear of pain is greater than the pain and then fear of pain of not changing. This goes for all change.

Booze
Drugs
Cheating
Health
Lifestyles
etc etc

IMHO

JingleMuffin

former cheater right here.

yes I know I've changed as a person from the time when I used to do that. I cheated on past boyfriends but would never cheat on my husband. Our relationship is so important to me and my mindset is different than when I was young. I Cherish him and respect him as a person - I think that has something to do with it.

timbrom

People can change.

You cannot change another person.

/thread

QuietBloom

Are you asking for input? Because you post a question, and then answering it.

jamiem1102

Of course they can! Alcoholics can give up booze. Fat people can get skinny. Cheaters can become monogamous. It just takes wanting to change and some motivation to do so.

I think its funny that you're comparing a cheater to someone with an addiction.

In any case, I find the main difference between people who do cheat and those who do not is that people who cheat are generally (at first) able to rationalize their actions -- "oh I was so drunk.." or... "It was just the one time..." or... "I just needed someone to make me feel important..." or some such reason. Whether or not a person can change? *shrug* Probably? Maybe? I suppose it all depends on the circumstances.

hbrittingham

I personally don't think they can, to me it's a character flaw. In my case it doesn't matter, cheating is a deal breaker to me.

m_johannes

I stopped cheating because I realized there are too many women to cheat with.
Women are just every where, I was getting tired of cheating.

Hahaha, oh god I died! :-)

Us cheaters never change. Old habits die hard. The trick is avoiding temptation altogether. You have to find out what triggers your addiction and squash it. For me, I have to cut off all contact with the opposite sex. Hence my lengthy hiatus from MFP this year! Ever notice how alcoholics brag about how long they'vs been sober? A lot of them can never have even one drink, or it sends them into a quick downward spiral.

True story.

cadaverousbones

I read something about people who cheat. They said that it changes your brain chemistry when you cheat to make you think its okay to do that. I would say they can't change unless they went through a lot of therapy to work on it. All the guys and girls I've known who were cheaters were repeat offenders.

RickNeedzToGetShreaded

The answers yes. But the real question is why bother? If someones cheated on you what's the point in wasting your time and effort, just my opinion.