'Tis the season to be insulted by family members?

tfleischer

I think the behavior seen by you is indicative of a deeper illness in our society. We have lost civility and decency. Look at what we celebrate on TV: the behavior seen on Jersey Shore, Survivor, and countless other reality TV shows in which meanness and self-centeredness is cheered on and decency and selflessness is ridiculed.

Children are bombarded with subtle messages that being mean and cruel is okay.

In answer to the post, "Is it an insult if it is true," the answer is, "Absolutely, it is!" The definition of an insult is that it is disrespectful and scornful, not that it is somehow false.

To the Original Poster, know that you aren't alone. Also know that you can change it, with time. It won't happen overnight, or within a month or two months, but it will happen. Find a sensible approach that you can live with long-term and celebrate every mini-goal on the way to your ultimate goal. Realize that you cannot "diet your way" to health, but that you can live a healthy lifestyle of making good choices in terms of food and exercise and along the way you will ultimately lose the unwanted weight.

Give yourself a break. It is evident from the snot-nosed, ill-behaviored brat that not many others will...

If I can be of support along that way, add me.

Good luck!

dawningr

how old is the little girl? she's either at that age of innocence where kids just blab out whatever they see or the family talks about being fat all the time.

She is 10, almost 11. Plenty old to understand the effect her words have on others. I see that she is struggling to push boundaries and feel people out, and that is okay. I am more than happy to help her through that. It makes me sad, though, because she seems to get quite the kick out of it. At that age, it is not acceptable. A six year old? Yeah! I can see that. But 10-11? Nah.

Since no one else said anything, you could have taken the opportunity to let her know how much that hurt your feelings, explain what you're doing to be healthier, etc. The truth does hurt, but you missed a great teaching moment.

LiftAllThePizzas

Is it too much to ask to go through one holiday season without a family member commenting on weight or food intake?

I had family staying with me for the holidays last weekend, which included my young nieces. One of my nieces is going through a "You're fat/ugly!" phase, and her mother does nothing to stop it. I overheard her saying some pretty hurtful stuff: "I think Aunt *me* is fat." My mother told her that such things are rude to say. My niece responded with, "Oh...even if she really is?"

Needless to say, I spent the rest of the weekend hiding. My aunt came down to check on me and I told her what happened. She just looked embarrassed, and didn't console me in any way. I realize this may not seem so bad, but it stung! It also reminded me of past holidays - I refuse to revisit those, but let's just say my family has a history of mentioning my weight (either too fat or too thin).

Does anyone else here struggle with putting on a happy face during the holidays, due to judgments about weight or food intake?

Thank you!

Stop allowing other people, especially children, to control your feelings.

SerenaKitty

I think the behavior seen by you is indicative of a deeper illness in our society. We have lost civility and decency. Look at what we celebrate on TV: the behavior seen on Jersey Shore, Survivor, and countless other reality TV shows in which meanness and self-centeredness is cheered on and decency and selflessness is ridiculed.

Children are bombarded with subtle messages that being mean and cruel is okay.

In answer to the post, "Is it an insult if it is true," the answer is, "Absolutely, it is!" The definition of an insult is that it is disrespectful and scornful, not that it is somehow false.

To the Original Poster, know that you aren't alone. Also know that you can change it, with time. It won't happen overnight, or within a month or two months, but it will happen. Find a sensible approach that you can live with long-term and celebrate every mini-goal on the way to your ultimate goal. Realize that you cannot "diet your way" to health, but that you can live a healthy lifestyle of making good choices in terms of food and exercise and along the way you will ultimately lose the unwanted weight.

Give yourself a break. It is evident from the snot-nosed, ill-behaviored brat that not many others will...

If I can be of support along that way, add me.

Good luck!

Thank you for the thoughtful and helpful post. Even 15 years ago, a child wouldn't dream of saying such rude things to their grandmother, aunt, or any adult!

SerenaKitty

how old is the little girl? she's either at that age of innocence where kids just blab out whatever they see or the family talks about being fat all the time.

She is 10, almost 11. Plenty old to understand the effect her words have on others. I see that she is struggling to push boundaries and feel people out, and that is okay. I am more than happy to help her through that. It makes me sad, though, because she seems to get quite the kick out of it. At that age, it is not acceptable. A six year old? Yeah! I can see that. But 10-11? Nah.

Since no one else said anything, you could have taken the opportunity to let her know how much that hurt your feelings, explain what you're doing to be healthier, etc. The truth does hurt, but you missed a great teaching moment.

Yes, you are right. But I don't feel that it is my place to call out another person's child, unless we have that kind of relationship. I don't see this niece very often.

Kenazwa

I don't think that was a very nice thing to say, but on the other hand maybe we need to work against being sensitive to this topic. If you are fat, then it was a statement of fact, not much different than saying "aunt so&so is blonde (or brunette or whatever)". I include myself; I'm over-sensitive about being fat, too. But I am fat; that's a fact.

CynthiaT60

I guess it's old-fashioned thinking to teach your children "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." So sorry your family is making you feel awful. And yes, it is still an insult even if it's true. There is a world of difference in a concerned loved one taking a person aside and expressing concern for their health and a child being allowed to call someone fat.

Agree. A lot of parents flake out on the upbringing. (Everyone please notice I said "a lot of". Not "all".)

jillmarie125

I haven't had family memebers come right out and say stuff about my weight. I did have one person call me fat (over and over as she called me other things.) While it hurt, I am glad she did it. When I couldn't find the motivation at the time to do it for myself...I had plenty of motivation to prove her wrong. And 2 years later, she finally saw me...not so fat anymore! Best part...she gained a good 50 pounds. Karma.

But kids are truthful. When my nephew was 3 (about 2 years ago) he was reading a spongebob book and pointed to Mrs. Puff (?) and said thats Aunt Jill. My sister was so embarassed and told him that it wasn't nice. But he didn't know any better. I laughed it off...because really it was funny. I wish I knew how to post pictures...I so would post one of Mrs Puff.

SezxyStef

I don't think that was a very nice thing to say, but on the other hand maybe we need to work against being sensitive to this topic. If you are fat, then it was a statement of fact, not much different than saying "aunt so&so is blonde (or brunette or whatever)". I include myself; I'm over-sensitive about being fat, too. But I am fat; that's a fact.

This is what I was going to say.

except for the first part.

Stating a fact is neither nice nor mean it is a fact.

I was going to ask you why did it hurt so much? Why hide for the weekend? seriously...

The truth hurts, the low blows are low because it's the truth...now if you don't like that truth change it.

But don't friend that guy who is trying to sell you something...just start weighing your food and eat at a deficet and have the comments you want next Christmas...

HollisGrant

how old is the little girl? she's either at that age of innocence where kids just blab out whatever they see or the family talks about being fat all the time.

She is 10, almost 11. Plenty old to understand the effect her words have on others. I see that she is struggling to push boundaries and feel people out, and that is okay. I am more than happy to help her through that. It makes me sad, though, because she seems to get quite the kick out of it. At that age, it is not acceptable. A six year old? Yeah! I can see that. But 10-11? Nah.

10 or 11 is plenty old to have a conscience. She needs to be told by her mother that what she did was mean, hurt your feelings, and talked to about being rude to others. Bad. I hope her mother talked to her.

Edited to add the comments several people made about using the child's rude remarks to spur you on are all good.

cychogal

I work with much younger kids, and there are some who say whatever is on their minds. ' You have no hair ... ha ha ha.... ' Or one time a little girl walked by an adult in the hall way and she said , 'you have really big boobs'. Yes, this was a fact, but not ok for a child or anyone too talk to people like that. It's rude and can be hurtful.
I try to explain that to a child. It's difficult with some of the very young children I work with, but I still have to try. Most kids don't talk to others like that, but we have a few who seem to delight in making rude comments like these. I don't think there's anything wrong with a person telling a child that they hurt their feelings, or made them sad.
I don't blame you for being upset. It's embarrassing. And if someone would have corrected or scolded the child in front of everyone, it might have been more embarrassing.
I am always amazed by anyone who thinks that a rude comment might be a positive thing. Like you can shame or embarrass someone in to losing weight. An innocent comment from a child who has no malicious intent is one thing -- maybe that can be motivational because it's honest, but not cruel. But when it's said to make fun of someone, or to shame or embarrass, I think it has the opposite effect.
Hang in there and don't let anyone's comments bring you down.

mlrodgers381

I'm sorry, but I dont' agree with those of you who say, why are you insulted that you're called fat, if it's true...buck up....etc..etc..etc..

1st of all...being called fat is a derogatory phrase. If the child had said, "Auntie so and so is overweight", that would have been a true statement, it still may have hurt the OP to hear it, but it would be true. When someone calls someone else "FAT" it is being said to HURT that person, not to be "truthful". Just like you wouldn't go up to an unattractive person and say, "hey you're ugly". Then say, well it was "true" wasn't it?

So to the OP, I'm sorry you had that experience. Since your aunt feels no need to correct her child, it will probably happen in the future. Just keep focusing on the good that you've managed to do for yourself and try not to think too much about how rude/hurtful other will be. And hey, I say, don't invite anyone to your house anymore and go see them, that way you can leave them in the dust if they decide that being rude and hurtful is better than being a loving family.

KayNowayJose

I would have had been made to apologize and had to stand in the corner right that minute in front of everybody, if had I said that about ANYONE to their face at that age, just for the fact that I was embarrassing my family and myself, plus disrespecting an elder. I can't tell you how many holidays there was a child standing in the corner for being disruptive and/or rude at our holiday parties. It was practically a holiday tradition. But goodness, we didn't do the SAME thing that our cousin did, or the SAME thing twice. So although what the child may have said could be true, and you shouldn't let it cripple your holidays, I really do think the actions of her parents are embarrassing and quite frankly, only encouraging it.

But, each parent has different preferences...

Ant_the_old_keith_lemon

I will never forget my brothers son saying

"you should go on a diet, brush your teeth and join match.com" - this could have only come from my brother/sister in law as he was only 5 years old...

HERE`S LOOKING AT YOU.......

fancy running a marathon, lifting heavy or even walking the dog brother!! NAH thought not...

JustMeee333

Next time she says anything, punch her in the face.



Ok, I'm joking!.. I do like the idea a previous poster said about telling her outright it was hurtful, and you're trying to lose weight. Kids are brutal, and she won't know unless she's told. I've had kids say things to me before, but I've been able just to brush it off (little shira-taki mushrooms!) for instance, I was walking back from the shop one day and this little boy was walking towards me, stopped right infront me and went "wow, that's a fat one.", I was dumbstruck and couldn't help but laugh my head off, because it was so blatently rude. I'd even lost weight by then too... :laugh:

and... another time I was in a shop, and had two teenage boys stand-ing behind me, and starting saying things.. That was more embarassing than anything else because of all the people who'd seen/heard it. I felt so belittled. I don't agree with using the child's words etc to spur you on - You have to lose weight for you, and you only. Not because someone has embarassed you into it. Try your best, keep at it and you'll do fine.

I could sometimes cringe at stuff my family says too, especially the older members!
Kids, and pensioners have no filters. :noway:

SerenaKitty

I'm sorry, but I dont' agree with those of you who say, why are you insulted that you're called fat, if it's true...buck up....etc..etc..etc..

1st of all...being called fat is a derogatory phrase. If the child had said, "Auntie so and so is overweight", that would have been a true statement, it still may have hurt the OP to hear it, but it would be true. When someone calls someone else "FAT" it is being said to HURT that person, not to be "truthful". Just like you wouldn't go up to an unattractive person and say, "hey you're ugly". Then say, well it was "true" wasn't it?

So to the OP, I'm sorry you had that experience. Since your aunt feels no need to correct her child, it will probably happen in the future. Just keep focusing on the good that you've managed to do for yourself and try not to think too much about how rude/hurtful other will be. And hey, I say, don't invite anyone to your house anymore and go see them, that way you can leave them in the dust if they decide that being rude and hurtful is better than being a loving family.

Thank you for the thoughtful post. I agree with you - insults are insults, whether or not they are true. Like you say, some people are unattractive. Is it ever okay to tell someone they are ugly? I don't think so. Such words are said with ill intent...I do not think it is okay to sell these things as "truths", especially not to young children trying to figure out what is and isn't okay.

Mr_Knight

And modern parents are complacent. Scary stuff.

And now you're tossing barbs at other people.

Given what you just posted about, that's pretty not-cool.

SerenaKitty

I will never forget my brothers son saying

"you should go on a diet, brush your teeth and join match.com" - this could have only come from my brother/sister in law as he was only 5 years old...

HERE`S LOOKING AT YOU.......

fancy running a marathon, lifting heavy or even walking the dog brother!! NAH thought not...

Wow! That is all I can say to this one.

ldrosophila

You know whats really bad work with older demented people talk about NO FILTER!! LOL, I walked into a patients room the other day to ask her if she was eating well and she looks at me and goes, "not as well as you." LOL, first it catches you off guard, but you just have to laugh at it. I've walked down the hallways before and I'll hear these sweet little Grandmas go, "Wow, that's a big un." The WWII vets are the most shocking not only do they not have a filter, but they grew up in a time when racial, ethnic, and sexist slurs were the norm.

It is what it is...I cant fault their sweet little demented heads for honesty.

Sorry to derail just made me think about filters and age.

SerenaKitty

And modern parents are complacent. Scary stuff.

And now you're tossing barbs at other people.

Given what you just posted about, that's pretty not-cool.

If I had felt it necessary to confront her or her mother, I might agree with you. But having a general opinion about some parents' inability to teach their children manners is hardly a barb. I'm not about to criticize anyone personally for their parenting methods.