'Tis the season to be insulted by family members?
Replies
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I would NEVER allow my child to be so rude!!!! Just because they're children, is no excuse for them to be mean or cruel!!! Child or adult, hurtful words are hurtful words!! OP, use it as fuel to continue on your journey. :flowerforyou:0
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I would NEVER allow my child to be so rude!!!! Just because they're children, is no excuse for them to be mean or cruel!!! Child or adult, hurtful words are hurtful words!! OP, use it as fuel to continue on your journey. :flowerforyou:
Thank you!0 -
How about "it's not my role"? I for one would be pretty upset if someone chose to have a talk about my kid's behavior in private without my knowledge. I spend a lot of time and energy instilling values into my kids and I would hate for someone to talk to them and try teaching something the way they they feel is right when I may not find it the right way for my children.
That is semantics...I am not talking about doing it in private. I am saying do it immediately just as the child did.
We as parents have to acknowledge that we don't know everything, we can't see everything and that others whom we trust and love can teach our children things we may not see....we all have different view points, different experiences and different methods.
Perhaps me being a single mom for so many years has made me more of a "it takes a community" type person but I firmly believe that Aunts and Uncles can have more of impact on a childs behaviour then any mom or dad can in some of these occassions but that's because I've seen it in my own life.0 -
Screw them even if a kid! You should have told her she was a bully!0
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and this is why we differ in this..Bingo!
Mother and father are the parents it is their job to address these issues! It is the aunts job to spoil and hav fun with the children and give them back hyper.
I'll be damned if I let slide an oppertunity to teach and raise my children. I take pride in their maners, it directly reflects my skills as a parent, not the aunts skills as an aunt.
*stands and claps*
I take pride in my son, as does his aunts and uncles. He spends time with them and always has.
Mine is a grown man now (20 years old) and due to all of our input he has learned different views and different methods in dealing with life, as will all the children in my family. I always said..I am not raising a child I am raising a man and I want him to be the best man he can be an I can't teach him everything he needs to know as I am not an all knowing all seeing perfect person.
IMO it's not the job of an Aunt to let kids run wild and be brats, if you love a child it doesn't matter how they are related you want them to be the best they can be and in order for that to happen they have to learn from all the adults in their life.
But if you read all the posts, she is not close to this niece at all. She barely knows her. She is closer to another niece and would likely have handled it differently. This subject is not black and white. I don't agree that we can run around talking to any kid the way we want to because we are adults.0 -
My point is he mother had the oppertunity to correct this child's behavior and chose not to. IMO she at that point fails her child and also sent a clear signal to the aunt that she was ok with the way the child was acting. At that point even if the aunt stepped in she was running the risk of stepping on the mothers toes, alienating the mother, and losing the oppertunity to bond with her niece.
and this is why we differ in this..Bingo!
Mother and father are the parents it is their job to address these issues! It is the aunts job to spoil and hav fun with the children and give them back hyper.
I'll be damned if I let slide an oppertunity to teach and raise my children. I take pride in their maners, it directly reflects my skills as a parent, not the aunts skills as an aunt.
*stands and claps*
I take pride in my son, as does his aunts and uncles. He spends time with them and always has.
Mine is a grown man now (20 years old) and due to all of our input he has learned different views and different methods in dealing with life, as will all the children in my family. I always said..I am not raising a child I am raising a man and I want him to be the best man he can be an I can't teach him everything he needs to know as I am not an all knowing all seeing perfect person.
IMO it's not the job of an Aunt to let kids run wild and be brats, if you love a child it doesn't matter how they are related you want them to be the best they can be and in order for that to happen they have to learn from all the adults in their life.
In this situation the failure was the mothers not the aunts.0 -
and this is why we differ in this..Bingo!
Mother and father are the parents it is their job to address these issues! It is the aunts job to spoil and hav fun with the children and give them back hyper.
I'll be damned if I let slide an oppertunity to teach and raise my children. I take pride in their maners, it directly reflects my skills as a parent, not the aunts skills as an aunt.
*stands and claps*
I take pride in my son, as does his aunts and uncles. He spends time with them and always has.
Mine is a grown man now (20 years old) and due to all of our input he has learned different views and different methods in dealing with life, as will all the children in my family. I always said..I am not raising a child I am raising a man and I want him to be the best man he can be an I can't teach him everything he needs to know as I am not an all knowing all seeing perfect person.
IMO it's not the job of an Aunt to let kids run wild and be brats, if you love a child it doesn't matter how they are related you want them to be the best they can be and in order for that to happen they have to learn from all the adults in their life.
But if you read all the posts, she is not close to this niece at all. She barely knows her. She is closer to another niece and would likely have handled it differently. This subject is not black and white. I don't agree that we can run around talking to any kid the way we want to because we are adults.
I have read the posts, regardless of the relationship if you love a child it is your job to teach them right from wrong.
And no it's not black or white, we can't run around saying anything to any kid but if you love them it is your job to teach and an aunt who is not seen often will have a huge impact...huge...
I am speaking from experience...I did something similar at the same time of year at the same age....not thinking...(btw 10 year old kids can't think forward and realize what they do now will have an impact, child phys 101). I repeated something my mother said and hurt my grammies feelings....
I was spoken to by my aunt (whom I saw maybe 4-5x a year) and I got it immediately...I felt so bad...I immediately apologized and felt awful for a long time...empathy. All that aunt said was "Oh Stef you shouldn't have told grammy that it wasn't very nice"0 -
If anyone has a larger impact on my children's lives then my husband and I, I have truly failed as a parent!How about "it's not my role"? I for one would be pretty upset if someone chose to have a talk about my kid's behavior in private without my knowledge. I spend a lot of time and energy instilling values into my kids and I would hate for someone to talk to them and try teaching something the way they they feel is right when I may not find it the right way for my children.
That is semantics...I am not talking about doing it in private. I am saying do it immediately just as the child did.
We as parents have to acknowledge that we don't know everything, we can't see everything and that others whom we trust and love can teach our children things we may not see....we all have different view points, different experiences and different methods.
Perhaps me being a single mom for so many years has made me more of a "it takes a community" type person but I firmly believe that Aunts and Uncles can have more of impact on a childs behaviour then any mom or dad can in some of these occassions but that's because I've seen it in my own life.0 -
Your family should be nicer.0
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Good topic! At 5'7 and at 228lbs., I had not taken off my jacket, and was told i looked very fat! Knowing that most of what was stuffed in my jacket was air, i simply said i was pregnant! And laughed to myself... I did not remove my jacket and left with a smile...0
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Good topic! At 5'7 and at 228lbs., I had not taken off my jacket, and was told i looked very fat! Knowing that most of what was stuffed in my jacket was air, i simply said i was pregnant! And laughed to myself... I did not remove my jacket and left with a smile...
Ouch! I'm sorry you had to experience that. Was this at a family gathering? I sure hope not...how awful.
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ugh. I feel your pain. I've hidden from my family as well using all kinds of excuses to avoid them during holidays :ohwell: This is the first holiday season I'm going through with a T2D diagnosis under my belt at the ripe old age of 45.
After having lost a great deal of weight just by cutting carbs, things have become equally as awkward as when I was 30+ pounds fatter.
I'm now thinner than my mother, she feels fat next to me & is constantly comparing. She asked me what size pants I wore multiple times, then she actually asked me what I weighed in a room full of people :noway: I told her, she stammered and then just trailed off with an awkward, oh:sick:
My aunt & uncle are just as bad if not worse. Auntie has blood sugar issues & keeps asking for my 'secret' :huh: Uncle blurts out at awkward times 'what's your SECERET?'
Really?
:ohwell:
The whole thing kinda sucks & with time, I expect it'll pass. OP, I'm sorry your holiday sucked so bad, hope this will be something you can put behind you. Good luck dear :flowerforyou:0 -
oh, I must a cranky old broad... I understand kids sometimes blurt out things and sometimes they are mirroring what they hear adults around them do. HOWEVER- a child must be taught what is OK to say in certain situations and her parents should have apologized to you when they found out and corrected the child ( even if privately). She now got the message (tacit approval) it is OK to do those things. I see a small bully forming, probably because she see/ gets or is allowed this behavior at home.
Long story short, this child needed to be corrected. If not by the parents, then by you. Yes, your weight is not some surprising revelation to you. It did not appear overnight with the Christmas gifts. Correct her behavior and educate the child to how to speak and let her know that you are aware of it and doing something about it. If you do not set the limit, no one else will. Basic civility and manners have to be taught by situations and example. Sounds like the whole group could stand a lesson!
I have memories of my grandma, mother and god mother making such corrections. Also, playmate's parents, etc. Everyone called you down when you needed it. Now, no one does.(OK, truth is I still do).0 -
oh, I must a cranky old broad... I understand kids sometimes blurt out things and sometimes they are mirroring what they hear adults around them do. HOWEVER- a child must be taught what is OK to say in certain situations and her parents should have apologized to you when they found out and corrected the child ( even if privately). She now got the message (tacit approval) it is OK to do those things. I see a small bully forming, probably because she see/ gets or is allowed this behavior at home.
Long story short, this child needed to be corrected. If not by the parents, then by you. Yes, your weight is not some surprising revelation to you. It did not appear overnight with the Christmas gifts. Correct her behavior and educate the child to how to speak and let her know that you are aware of it and doing something about it. If you do not set the limit, no one else will. Basic civility and manners have to be taught by situations and example. Sounds like the whole group could stand a lesson!
I have memories of my grandma, mother and god mother making such corrections. Also, playmate's parents, etc. Everyone called you down when you needed it. Now, no one does.(OK, truth is I still do).
Thank you! Yeah, there is some truth in that - I suppose part of moving on is gaining the ability to respond when it happens. Just a little, "Yes, I am overweight. Fat is not a nice word, it is hurtful.", would have sufficed.
Sometimes we are just hopeful that these parents will understand the impact their child's words have on others, and correct it themselves. That is not always the case, sadly. 0 -
Ugg. i understand your pain. and the sucky thing about kids is they repeat alot of things they hear. there's nothing you can really do about that. I'm teaching my son... if you don't have anything nice to say. don't say anything at all. its pretty sad when kids already develope negative judgment towards others and their weight. i would have been popped on my *kitten* if i ever made a comment to a family member as a kid. 0
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I almost did get rude back but my mother said to respect my elders and it took so much out of me to not say anything. even tho she didn't respect me I respected her.I kinda hid from my family because this year I gained over 50lbs. I went to see my granny in San Antonio and I felt the need to explain why I looked the way I did because of an instance the week before (I will get to that in a bit) but I gained my weight by the birth control shot and quitting smoking. My granny is dying of cancer and she said this to me which made me feel better. You quit smoking which is great (her cancer is from smoking she quit 12 years earlier but it was too late) you can lose the weight later. You can do it.
After this I felt better. The week before I was at Walmart and this woman who hasn't seen me in a long time pointed to my stomach and asked what was that. I knew she thougbht I was prego and even after I rudly said fat she kept going saying how I gained so much weight and I need to eat better and even said how my body looked prego. I was blessed with my fathers genes where all my weight is carried in my midsection. I left out of there in tears. But that lady hurt my feelings and I was gonna start the diet on New Years but I started earlier and so far I lost 10lbs.
But my point is, your here on myfitnesspal and your trying. Let them make their comments this year so next year you can WOW them. Add me so we can motivate each other for next Christmas.
WOW. I would NOT have let that go. I'd have embarrassed her to hell and back by being as loud as possible. You obviously knew you had gained weight. She had no right to reduce you to tears. Would she walk up to someone who had a trac in their throat from years of smoking and berate them for having it?
OP, I tell others it's none of their f****** business. Even little kids. "Mind your own business, junior" or "That was rude thing to say to someone. I know I'm overweight."
Sorry, that works me up. Never in a million years would I make a comment to someone about their weight. The ONLY way I would say a word about it is if they ASKED me or wanted advice.
It's not a wake-up call, it's either being cruel, or being oblivious to how that would make someone feel. Your comment ain't gonna make me "open my eyes and see the light", it's just going to make me say something rude right back.0 -
"physical violence"?? Ok. A quick smack on her mouth is a simple sting that she deserves. This country kills me. If at 11 she doesn't have empathy, she either hasn't been parented right (and by the mother's lack of caring I can guess she hasn't been) or she won't learn by sweet little talks.
Yes physical voilence...smackin a child in the mouth is physical violence...and teaches them it's okay to do it.
What are you gonna do give a quick smack to my mouth when I say something you don't like???? I don't friggen think so.
At 11 (I have kids of my own and neices and nephews) empathy should already be developing...it's not a sweet talk it's one that goes like this..
Aunt: Yes I am too big and I need to lose some weight but it's very hard sometimes, but pointing out the fact that I am fat is not very nice and is hurtful to say (if you feel that way)
Trust me that said to a child at that age will feel bad unless they are devoid of emotion.
im so interested/confused when i see other peoples response to spanking/smacks etc with kids. In the Caribbean community, as a child you are going to get your *kitten* BEAT if you disrespect your elders. Jamaicans, Trinis, Hatians etc. etc. etc do NOT play that foolishness whatsoever. yes, if you are out of line you are going to get smacked in the face. And yet, the kids I grew up with and the kids in my family including myself know that it's not appropriate to engage in physical violence.... we also know to respect our elders or there will be trouble. My mother alway said that even at her age (50) my grandmother would STILL smack her if she said someting disrespectful. From what I see in other families and the shocking disrespect that the kids show I never understood how that is tolerated but spankings are completely out of the question.
OP I can understand how you felt the comment more deeply because of your social anxiety issue. My family is very blunt and never keeps things quiet so when I gained weight i heard a WHOLE LOT about it. It was their way of showing they care but I get how it can make you feel. In the end, I hope you use it as motivation. :flowerforyou:
QFT.
Trini gyal here...lix for days if you opened up your big trap to insult someone like that at *any* tender age, this is NOT overlooked simply because you're small, unless you're 2 or 3 yrs old. By the time you're 5ish, you're well aware of what will piss mummy off! :laugh: Seriously, we knew this sort of thing wasn't something to joke about much less to say in casual conversation.
Lix while being told you're 'too bold' & 'too fast' :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
how old is the little girl? she's either at that age of innocence where kids just blab out whatever they see or the family talks about being fat all the time.
She is 10, almost 11. Plenty old to understand the effect her words have on others. I see that she is struggling to push boundaries and feel people out, and that is okay. I am more than happy to help her through that. It makes me sad, though, because she seems to get quite the kick out of it. At that age, it is not acceptable. A six year old? Yeah! I can see that. But 10-11? Nah.
:noway: 11? when I read the first post I assumed she was 5 at the most, and thought you were overreacting. But at 11 that is bad parenting.0 -
Is it too much to ask to go through one holiday season without a family member commenting on weight or food intake?
I had family staying with me for the holidays last weekend, which included my young nieces. One of my nieces is going through a "You're fat/ugly!" phase, and her mother does nothing to stop it. I overheard her saying some pretty hurtful stuff: "I think Aunt *me* is fat." My mother told her that such things are rude to say. My niece responded with, "Oh...even if she really is?"
Needless to say, I spent the rest of the weekend hiding. My aunt came down to check on me and I told her what happened. She just looked embarrassed, and didn't console me in any way. I realize this may not seem so bad, but it stung! It also reminded me of past holidays - I refuse to revisit those, but let's just say my family has a history of mentioning my weight (either too fat or too thin).
Does anyone else here struggle with putting on a happy face during the holidays, due to judgments about weight or food intake?
Thank you!
You should be using this to your advantage. Each time you workout or think of cheating in your diet, I want you to remember what this child said and use it. Successful people use things like this to their advantage. I grew up in a very poor family where my father was in and out of prison constantly. I had drunken family members tell me I'd end up just like him. Now as an adult I'm a successful police officer who is physically fit and has a beautiful woman that supports me in everything I do.
Use this. It is power. Prove them wrong.0 -
I grew up in a community where strangers could totally smack your butt out in a store or whatever! You had to watch your behavior not just for your parents but because you'd hear from anyone you were annoying. That meant when mom was looking for something down the aisle and very busy, the old guy standing there would fuss at you for running around play sword fighting with your sister
I tell kids that they are being too loud or should watch where they are going, etc, pretty darned frequently. I say it matter-of-factly (yet sternly), because I don't want to scare them, but oh I'll tell them
There was one kid at a nice restaurant for lunch who was banging his silverware on his plate for so long while his mom was on the phone! He was through a lattice partition beside me, but I still told him to cut that out, lol. 0 -
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time to change those negatives.
let me help you out and get your sexy back on! add me and I will show you a meal plan, workout plan...and I will wear my friends cheer outfit and wave pom-poms to cheer you on!
lets work it!
Ummm.....and how much does your meal and workout plan cost? :laugh:
its FREE.95
hehehe0 -
pics of cheer outfit pls.time to change those negatives.
let me help you out and get your sexy back on! add me and I will show you a meal plan, workout plan...and I will wear my friends cheer outfit and wave pom-poms to cheer you on!
lets work it!
come on over! (wink-wink)0 -
You should be using this to your advantage. Each time you workout or think of cheating in your diet, I want you to remember what this child said and use it. Successful people use things like this to their advantage. I grew up in a very poor family where my father was in and out of prison constantly. I had drunken family members tell me I'd end up just like him. Now as an adult I'm a successful police officer who is physically fit and has a beautiful woman that supports me in everything I do.
Use this. It is power. Prove them wrong.
This is awesome. Bravo!0 -
You should be using this to your advantage. Each time you workout or think of cheating in your diet, I want you to remember what this child said and use it. Successful people use things like this to their advantage. I grew up in a very poor family where my father was in and out of prison constantly. I had drunken family members tell me I'd end up just like him. Now as an adult I'm a successful police officer who is physically fit and has a beautiful woman that supports me in everything I do.
Use this. It is power. Prove them wrong.
This is awesome. Bravo!
Agreed. Great when people turn things around for themselves!0 -
oh, I must a cranky old broad... I understand kids sometimes blurt out things and sometimes they are mirroring what they hear adults around them do. HOWEVER- a child must be taught what is OK to say in certain situations and her parents should have apologized to you when they found out and corrected the child ( even if privately). She now got the message (tacit approval) it is OK to do those things. I see a small bully forming, probably because she see/ gets or is allowed this behavior at home.
Long story short, this child needed to be corrected. If not by the parents, then by you. Yes, your weight is not some surprising revelation to you. It did not appear overnight with the Christmas gifts. Correct her behavior and educate the child to how to speak and let her know that you are aware of it and doing something about it. If you do not set the limit, no one else will. Basic civility and manners have to be taught by situations and example. Sounds like the whole group could stand a lesson!
I have memories of my grandma, mother and god mother making such corrections. Also, playmate's parents, etc. Everyone called you down when you needed it. Now, no one does.(OK, truth is I still do).
Thank you! Yeah, there is some truth in that - I suppose part of moving on is gaining the ability to respond when it happens. Just a little, "Yes, I am overweight. Fat is not a nice word, it is hurtful.", would have sufficed. Sometimes we are just hopeful that these parents will understand the impact their child's words have on others, and correct it themselves. That is not always the case, sadly.
Exactly! And you're already thinking about what you could say instead, so good for you! I remember this conversation with my daughter very clearly. The thing is, there's NO polite word to use. It's an elephant standing very visibly in the room, so the parent's job is to explain that people's size/shape is just not something we comment on in public. That applies to weight, height, hair color, clothing...pretty much just about anything appearance-related outside the comfortable mid-zone of cultural norm. Because too often, there's something we don't know about, and we're just going to hurt people out of ignorance. Even "just facts" can hurt. Not that these observations are taboo, just not for public broadcast. </babble>0
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