Punishment for my son. I need ideas!
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Don't be a helicopter parent. There are natural consquences for him not doing his homework. He'll experience them and make changes. It's hard to sit back and let him do that but in the long run, both of your lives will be much better and less stressful.
The all-knowing, all-powerful Max
(pay no attention the man behind the curtain)
I agree, helicopter parents make life difficult for their children. Let him fail. What happens to you when you don't do something you are supposed to do.....there is a consequence. Let him learn about consequences. There is no better teacher than failure.
This is something that I'm learning to do with my 8th grader. He has similar issues but he's not failing. His grades have fluctuated between A's and D's since 5th grade. He's super unorganized and will not take any advice. He just nods and says okay, basically just tells me what I want to hear. He lies about his homework all the time or forgets, and never plans ahead for projects and reports. I have tried to help him but kids this age are smart and if they don't want to do something, they can usually find ways of getting out of it. Like "forgetting" important books or notes at school. I keep in touch with his teachers to an extent but I can't babysit him and talk to all of them everyday.
This year I decided I'm done stressing out about it. He is a smart, funny, sensitive kid and the best big brother to his little bro that I could ask for. I realized that during the school year, our relationship was constantly tense and he had become kind of withdrawn. He was getting depressed. So, I'm done. No more nagging. I will still keep in touch with his teachers to make sure he's at least passing. He will have to figure this all out on his own. He got into a really good high school for next year at which point he will sink or swim. All I can do is provide the opportunities and be a supportive and loving mom.0 -
Burpees
They work great.
No electronics including t.v.
Good Luck! I have 4 like that.0 -
Are you sure this is laziness? You know your son best... I'm just wondering if there's any sort of underlying cause.
* Trying to fail so he doesn't have to go to school for some reason (could be logical in a kid's head)
* Actual problem learning the material and perhaps needs help (we thought the same of my cousin to discover he was dyslexic, and simply jumbled type fonts helped tremendously)
* He's just being a rebellious pre-teen *kitten*? LOL
Ok, FIRST thing that needs to happen is this ^. I know I bombed the h#ll out of 7th and 8th grade because I hated drawing attention to myself as the smartest person in the class. I would intentionally fail a test just so I could show other students my test paper when they made the "well of course SHE got a 100" comments.
Altogether possible its just lazy and stubborn though. If so, I agree that a certain amount of helicoptering at this point becomes counterproductive. Consequences are important, but I would keep them at the report card level. In other words, it's HIS job to make sure he's achieving ____ grade by report card, if he's not, THEN the consequence goes in to effect, but checking up on every assignment and standing over his shoulder as he does homework, won't teach him how to take responsibility for getting it done himself or teach him how to build his own time management and study skills.
The one thing I haven't seen mentioned..... where's the carrot? The most effective behavior modification takes place when you use a system of both consequences and rewards. Sit down with him and have a talk about what his goals are, then build in rewards for when he meets those goals.0 -
Some of these answers are crazy!
Yes, punish him - BE A parent!!!!
Chores are not punishment but should be part of everyday life, why has he been getting a free ride??
What works with my son has been contacting his teachers and making sure all of his homework is sent home a second time along with EXTRA homework, you don't want to do what you have to, then fine....you will do that and more and I will sit with you until each question has the correct answer!0 -
Whatever you decide to do, please don't do anything that will humiliate him in front of his friends. Kids are so cruel it could do more than teach him a lesson, it can lead to serious psychological issues. How many times do we hear about kids who were bullied turning into school shooters?
I love the idea of changing the wifi password daily until homework is done and checked (make sure he has no data access on his phone) combined with meaningful manual labor to demonstrate the alternatives to an education. I know one person said she made her daughter carry and stack rocks. However, doing labor that results in something, like cleaning the floors, vacuum the house including moving all the furniture to get uber it (beds too), cleaning basement/attic, is more meaningful/ productive. I also wouldn't include something like walking the dog... Don't want any anger taken out on the dog besides that's one activity you want him to enjoy and want to do. I never punished the kids by making them read because I didn't want to make reading a negative experience.
And as one person noted, reward him when he does his homework.. A dollar earned everyday when completed without fuss to be saved for the game he wants or additional allowance.
Good luck, it's a challenge.0 -
I am going to add in with regards to take the door off. I worked like a charm with my daughter. Took all of 2 days for her to realize that homework (and other responsibilities at 15) were not an option for her and we weren't kidding0
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why are you making him do chores "for free"
that's what your job is a kid is- help around the house. I never got an allowance- I never got paid to do house hold work- as an adult you don't get paid to do house hold work.
You should get paid to do EXTRA work but not day to day maintenance work that needs to be done regardless. That isn't and should never be used "as punishment"
i.e. I got paid to pick up our huge *kitten* pinecones from our horse pasture but I didn't get paid for cleaning stalls.
That being said- what worked really well at our house- was sitting down at the kitchen table- set a timer if you wish- and you sit there and do the work.
parent reviews it- just to verify that it's done. If help is needed- help- but you are there- supervising and doing what you need to do and he is there doing what he needs to do and can't leave till the work's done.0 -
Have you ever watched this episode of the Cosby Show?
http://www.criticalcommons.org/Members/fsustavros/clips/cosby-show-budget-example
Might be an idea.
Is this the episode where they make Theo rent his room and Rudy is the bank owner?0 -
Thank you for this. I have had 2 of his teachers call and tell me that I need to be more involved and lecture me on consistency and consequences. It's very frustrating.As a seventh grade teacher myself, let me tell you that, unfortunately, this is normal. It makes me want to pull my hair out most days. I applaud you for wanting to step in but I also caution you because sometimes that can make it worse. I am by no means saying to just butt out because he needs to understand what the big deal is and needs to know that you won't just let it go. Set consequences and make sure they are consequences that you can stick with and ones that he actually cares about. Be firm and consistent. Also, and I am in no way saying you do this, make sure you're not just yelling at him all the time. All you're doing is wasting your breathe because it seems as if they develop some type of chemical in their brain at that age that just blocks an adults voice out.
There are so many things that he can be involved in at that age so you may need to find something that he likes and use that. Sports is usually one they love to get into at that age but if he isn't passing his classes then he won't be eligible.
Also, as a teacher, I thank you for being so concerned and involved. You would be surprised at the lack of parent participation these days. There are a lot that do but even more that don't so thank you.
I know this is normal middle school behavior. My daughter did this exact same thing, but she responded to losing privileges. My son is not. It is so bizarre!0 -
As far as physical punishments… my old man was the KING of creating hard labor. He didn’t just dole them out like a quick and easy chore. My old man had style. He purposely left bags of cement out in the rain to cure and harden. Then when I effed up real bad, I would have to take a sledge and break them up into rocks small enough to fit through a 4” hole he drilled in a board. The key to this punishment wasn’t the difficulty… it was that he basically said, “Son, you’re a dumba$$. You screwed up, got caught and now you’re getting punished. Here’s “the task”. I don’t care how many hours a day you work on it, how long it takes you or what level of enthusiasm you apply. BUT, when you’re done you’re done. If it takes you three days, you’re free in three days. If it takes 6 months, you’re in lockdown for 6 months. Let me know if you want me to bring the spot lamps out later tonight.”.
This was applied for several tasks. I had to relocate full length railroad ties from one side of the yard to the other. I had to move two truckloads of dirt from one side of the yard to the other using a wheel barrel and a shovel (twice). I had to relocate telephone poles from one side of the yard to the other and many many more, LOL. Looking back, this was awesome. It gave me a sense of being my own man, accepting my punishment and I’m pretty sure it helped with school athletics. I was doing cross fit before it was an actual thing.0 -
My parents had a grade/freedom chart. Down the left side it had all the things I did: watch tv, have tv in room, be out past dark, have car, drive car, play sports, go to friends etc etc etc. Across the top was GPA (from 0.0 – 4.0). Depending on what the freedom was, I had to maintain a certain GPA. I might only have to have a 3.0 to own my car, but I would have to have a 3.7 to actually drive the thing. Every quarter, we’d take my report card, figure the GPA and lay a ruler down the chart to see what I could and couldn’t do, what I was going to get or get taken away, how cool my life was going to be or how bad it was going to suck. I hated that effing chart but looking back I think it was an excellent approach. It gave a clear explanation of consequences vs. expectations. It was way better than having something happen, my parents get pissed and randomly select a punishment. I knew that if I didn’t keep my grades at a certain level, exactly what I was going to lose. It sounds like you’re taking his stuff away when he does badly. This only allows him to react to the sudden change and possible just get pissed at you instead of accept he did this.
Hey everyone... I'm starting to understand my manfriend.
*vigorous jazz hands*0 -
How about setting aside a time for him to do his homework and helping him?
Teens and tweens don't want mom and dad helping them with their homework. He will just start lying to her and saying he doesn't have any. Besides, at that age, they need to learn how to work independently.
Sure. Just keep coming up with cool punishments and watch him fail. I went down this road as a kid. Then there was military school and set study hours and tutors. The set study hours and tutoring did what all the punishments in the world couldn't. I'm seeing the same issues with my own kids. Kids need structure and guidance. He can learn to work independently in high school and college, but he has to get there first.
You know, I guess it really depends on the kid and his abilities. OP should probably make certain that he doesn't have a learning disability, first. But if that isn't the situation, he's going to find ways around not doing homework with mom. She would quite literally have to get the assignments from the teacher, and in my experience, teachers don't like to do that because if they do it for one parent, then they have to do it for them all.
If the problem is the ability to do the work, then OP should absolutely take your approach. If the problem is lack of motivation, then OP needs to find ways to motivate him.0 -
Don't be a helicopter parent. There are natural consquences for him not doing his homework. He'll experience them and make changes. It's hard to sit back and let him do that but in the long run, both of your lives will be much better and less stressful.
The all-knowing, all-powerful Max
(pay no attention the man behind the curtain)
I agree, helicopter parents make life difficult for their children. Let him fail. What happens to you when you don't do something you are supposed to do.....there is a consequence. Let him learn about consequences. There is no better teacher than failure.
Are you serious right now? Providing consequences for your children so that they can avoid setting their lives up for failure is actually what a parent is supposed to do. Do you really think he will care if he flunks math now? He might care when he is 30 and flipping burgers, but not right now.
I am very serious.
I guess if living in your basement/living room because he/she can't get a job to make enough money to support their-selves is a possible consequence you are okay with because you think making your child do their homework is to overbearing, this would be an excellent way to look at it. Trust me, I personally know a family with a 30-something still living at home with mommy and dada because school wasn't a priority to either of them.0 -
LIKE!0
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As someone who was like that in school, and rather recently too. I can say taking things away, did not work for me at all. Just made me madder at my parents and want to do less to spite them.
...and this. I've learned this lesson with my son as well. Taking things away and making everything into a fight made him more spiteful and he would fight right back.0 -
At that age, I found taking things more effective. X-box, phone, laptop, whatever.
Depends on the child. Could cause a bigger problem.0 -
How about setting aside a time for him to do his homework and helping him?
I had to do this with my son. He absolutely positively would not do it if I sent him off to his room to do it. The 2 girls, totally different. They could be in their room with tv and/or music and do what they needed to do. My son had to bring his backpack to the kitchen table and work on homework while I fixed dinner. First day back at my house (50/50 custody with ex) he had to organize bc it would be a complete cluster from the week at his dad's house. He rode his bike to school, he got out at 2:30 and I got home with youngest at 3:30, he could hang with friends for 30 mins or so but he had to be home when I got home. He brought his things to the table and that's where he stayed until everything was done. His weekends were free until Sunday at 3. Meaning he could hang out, go to friends, have friends over etc but Sunday at 3 he had to be home, clean his room, do laundry and get his backpack ready for Monday.
I found by giving him SOME freedom he didn't balk at doing what he needed to do. But he was never good at being alone. If I sent him to his room, he'd inevitably be harassing the girls in their rooms and NOBODY got anything done.
If he had missing assignments from not turning things in on my week, he had to go straight to the house, no hanging out. That's the beauty of being able to check online and having open email communications with teachers. I LOVE it. I think kids don't so much. LOL!0 -
Teach him to be responsible. Most schools make kids keep journals or calendars with their assignments. Follow his work assignments. Show him how to put his homework in the right place when he's done so he always knows where to find it when it's time to turn it in. If you have to go to the school to make sure he turns it in, then do it.
Punishment works to some extent, but parents are also teachers and sometimes we forget that... not trying to pick on you, because i had to learn this the hard way too.0 -
Friday after school detentions were my teacher inflicted punishments for not doing homework. So was being kicked out of advanced math. My mom didn't punish bad grades beyond taking away privileges, and I had chores to do around the house regardless of my grades. When I got an attitude though, that's when I was volunteered to shovel horse poop for my uncle. I think I only did that twice before I fixed my attitude.0
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How about setting aside a time for him to do his homework and helping him?
Teens and tweens don't want mom and dad helping them with their homework. He will just start lying to her and saying he doesn't have any. Besides, at that age, they need to learn how to work independently.
Sure. Just keep coming up with cool punishments and watch him fail. I went down this road as a kid. Then there was military school and set study hours and tutors. The set study hours and tutoring did what all the punishments in the world couldn't. I'm seeing the same issues with my own kids. Kids need structure and guidance. He can learn to work independently in high school and college, but he has to get there first.
You know, I guess it really depends on the kid and his abilities. OP should probably make certain that he doesn't have a learning disability, first. But if that isn't the situation, he's going to find ways around not doing homework with mom. She would quite literally have to get the assignments from the teacher, and in my experience, teachers don't like to do that because if they do it for one parent, then they have to do it for them all.
If the problem is the ability to do the work, then OP should absolutely take your approach. If the problem is lack of motivation, then OP needs to find ways to motivate him.
Yep. Must be ability. Not a young boy just being a young boy.
Structure, structure, structure.0
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