Punishment for my son. I need ideas!
Replies
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Punishments / "helicopter parenting" may not be the way to go in this situation, unless you're totally cool with potentially having your child hate/resent you for the rest of their childhood (and possibly longer). It did absolutely nothing for me and it actually got me to act out far worse AND do worse in school. Even after my parents realized that years later and eased up, allowing me to actually have the space to do my work, it was too late to make up for. I was very introverted as a child, and the attempts to force me to do homework with my parents hovering around was analogous to the square peg / round hole idiom -- and the threats/enforcements of punishment simply turned resentment to anger.
They chose this route with me because they had spoiled their first child, (my older brother (by 10 1/2 years)) which basically ended up with him dropping out of college due to entitlement issues (he later went back and finished his degree -- we both lead 'successful' lives now (i.e. not flipping burgers)). Due to my brother's dropping out, my father went heavy-handed (sometimes literally) on the punishments for me. Bad choice. The other way around would have been the ticket for both of us. My brother needed the guidance and discipline while I was very self-reliant, but I despised being smothered / constantly looked after to the point where I would rebel against it. Looking back at it, due to their choices in upbringing, both my brother and I were emotionally stunted for years. I have a rather tenuous relationship with my parents to this day. Not saying that this will happen to you and your son, nor am I judging you or your situation in any way. Take it for what it is: a tale of caution.
TL;DR: The right approach VERY much depends on the child. There isn't a one-size-fits-all path to take in parenting. NEVER use one child's response to a certain method to determine what is right for another child. Counseling is there if you need it as an option for your son.0 -
they are HIS grades, not yours.
If he has to repeat 7th grade, let him.0 -
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Ok, FIRST thing that needs to happen is this ^. I know I bombed the h#ll out of 7th and 8th grade because I hated drawing attention to myself as the smartest person in the class. I would intentionally fail a test just so I could show other students my test paper when they made the "well of course SHE got a 100" comments.
100X this! I got C's & D's in junior high because I was tired of being the smart one. And also, because I knew it 'didn't matter'. Nothing would stay on record for college till 9th grade. So I made the most out of being 'bad' for those two years. I also hated most things about school, bad teachers, lost good friends, etc. Junior high was just stressful. By high school I self corrected and graduated with *almost* straight A's the entire time.
As for punishment, nothing. My parents let me fail, let me see the consequences. They cared, and they would offer advise, but never forced me into things or punished me.0 -
Wow! I just came up for air at work and checked back in here. Thank you so much for all your input!
This is the part where I'm supposed to get really butthurt at the criticism and then not take any advice because I'm already doing everything right...right?!
Just kidding! A lot of you have made some really good points. It's going to take me a while to read through all of this. And now I have many more parenting tools at my disposal. So really, thank you!
I would like to address a couple points: SonofaBeach14 - You make and excellent point. I do sit down with all my kids to work on homework most nights. Unfortunately, my son isn't always forthcoming with the assignments, so there is a hurdle there. I'm not sure how to overcome it, but I'll give it some thought.
To all of the suggestions that I take things away, I agree whole-heartedly with this approach. It worked wonders on my daughter who is now in high school. I have already been doing this with my son though, and it's not working. I mentioned in my OP that I have run out of things to take, so that's why I'm trying a new approach. Kids are different and react to different things. I just have to figure out what his is.
Someone suggested tracking his work online--which I do, but should do more.
There is the argument of whether or not I'm a "helicopter parent". I've never considered myself to be hovering and tried to maintain separation to let the teachers do their jobs (education) and me do mine (life skills and discipline). I am a huge believer in letting kids suffer the natural consequences of their actions. I try to mitigate some of the more dramatic consequences though. I will consider the possibility that my son is one of those kids who may need to *really* fail.
I will consider positive reinforcement options, as well.
Anyway, I have lots to think about now. And since I have 3 more kids who will probably go through this same thing, I'll be bookmarking this for future use! :drinker:0 -
Don't be a helicopter parent. There are natural consquences for him not doing his homework. He'll experience them and make changes. It's hard to sit back and let him do that but in the long run, both of your lives will be much better and less stressful.
The all-knowing, all-powerful Max
(pay no attention the man behind the curtain)
I agree, helicopter parents make life difficult for their children. Let him fail. What happens to you when you don't do something you are supposed to do.....there is a consequence. Let him learn about consequences. There is no better teacher than failure.
Exactly. Unless you want to follow him around his whole life "making" him be responsible. If he fails a grade, he repeats. Unfortunately that is where a parent freaks out and starts trying to fix everything instead of letting the kid experience consequences. 7th grade is old enough to learn to take responsibility for their own choices and actions.
Well I guess somebody has to flip burgers and clean toilets.
Yes. And it will be someone who has learned responsibility and showing up on time, and getting the job done. I see no need to insult someone who flips burgers or cleans toilets.
I'm not exactly sure how indicating that someone who fails the 7th grade is likely to be flipping burgers and cleaning toilets for a living is an insult, but if you see something derogatory in that declaration, then perhaps you should encourage your kids to take their education seriously.
I think that the insult comes from assuming that the kid will be skilled enough to flip burgers/clean toilets. Based on the level of responsibility being shown, the kid would lose that burger flipping job within the week. It's actually pretty hard to get a good janitorial job if you haven't graduated high school. Trust me, I've tried.
Yes, I was thinking the same thing, but you know... my first point was that parents should always encourage, motivate, and do what ever they can to keep kids putting their best effort into their education. It is just so crucially important for parents to do that for their kids. You can't just look away and let things fall where they may.
I'm definitely not saying that there is anything wrong with people doing those kind of jobs. I've done those kind of jobs because I didn't give a damn about my education until I was 28. It's a hard life. If you loved your kids, you would do anything and everything within your power to keep them from traveling down that road.0 -
This has to be one of the most mature and level-headed responses from an OP i have ever seen. Someone do a clapping gif!
(And if your kids are anything like you they should turn out great)0 -
Oh, wow. I LOVE this idea! Especially the part where it's a "volunteer" activity for later. I'm going to have to make some calls.I grew up on a farm...I didn't usually get things taken away because I was often too busy with chores to really use things anyway...HOWEVER...I never wanted to get myself in trouble because I had the "Respect Pile"
The Respect Pile just so happened to be the cow stanchion where they get fed, and needless to say things pile up quickly. My dad usually cleaned it out every other week or so with the tractor. If I did something, I was assigned a certain number of hours and handed a shovel, a wheelbarrow, and some muck boots the amount of time depending on the level of disrespect I showed. This was assigned on top of all of my regular chores. In addition however, I also had a reward system. If I did something well, got a good test score, did my chores without having to be reminded, instead of an immediate monetary award I earned RAOK chips (random acts of kindness). I could eventually earn enough to turn in for things that I wanted...a digital camera, clothes, etc...or I could turn them in for lessening respect pile time, or having the night off from chores. While the Respect Pile is daunting...I truly think the reward system is what helped keep me from getting in trouble. I wanted to please my parents and I wanted to earn those things...
I understand you might not have a cow stantion to use, but there are many things that are unpleasant to do around the house...or find something like a Horse Riding Charity/Therapy or a vet's office and have him go there to help for whatever hours he merits..they can always use "volunteers" to help muck out stalls/clean kennels, and that has the bonus of being something he could eventually put on his resume/college application as a "volunteer" activity.0 -
My 12 year old son has decided that, now that he's in 7th grade, he knows everything and no longer needs to do his homework.
Ok, not really. He's just doing that stupid pre-teen, hormone-driven thing where half the time they don't do their homework and the other half of the time they do it, but forget to turn it in.
I have taken away everything I can think of. The kid has no life anymore. I am out of things to take away unless I'm going to start denying him necessities such as food and shelter--which I haven't ruled out entirely if this continues. This kid just won't budge. So, I have decided that the next thing to try will be to show him what a lack of basic education will get him in life by forcing him to perform manual labor around the house for free. I am thinking I will assign 1 task per missed homework assignment on top of making up that homework assignment. In addition, 1 task will be assigned per class which has a grade of C or below.
This is where you all come in. I need ideas. What sorts of chores can a 12 year old boy do that will make him prefer to do his homework over performing that task? Here's my list so far:
1. Clean the dog kennel.
2. Clean the bathrooms.
3. Fold laundry (everyone's; not just his own).
4. Do the dishes.
Aaaaaaaaaaand.....GO!
when he's out, completely clear his room, leave in there, his bed, a desk and a pile of books, ban his cell and any other forms of entertainment.
good or bad, dont budge for a week.
it shocked me into behaving as a kid.
Dont take offence, but your list is quite laughable, you need to shock him, crack midway, and he's won permanently.0 -
Literally made me snort!0
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I agree, I did the taking away, yelling, stressed myself out. Finally left both of them alone and they straightened up when they saw their grades. All you can do is love'em and let them learn on their own.0
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A few more things to clarify:
1. My kids all do regular chores. They do not get paid for these chores because that's part of being a family. We work together to take care of things around the house. The chores I listed are the things that I will normally pay a small allowance for. These are "extras", so that they have an opportunity to make some money and learn to manage it. But only after regular chores are done. I have 5 children at home. No free rides! I regularly get compliments on how clean my house is though.
2. Several people asked if he may be struggling with the material. I should have included in my OP that, while my son is failing several classes, it is ONLY because of the missing homework. For instance, in Advanced Math, he has a 98% average for tests, quizzes and classwork, but a 45% in homework. So, he's failing. It is the same story with the other classes. He understands. This is strictly a homework driven.
3. I can't try the "take away privacy" thing. He shares a room with his 8 year old step brother. He pretty much has no privacy anyway. Never has. :laugh:
ETA: I can't spell.0 -
2. Several people asked if he may be struggling with the material. I should have included in my OP that, while my son is failing several classes, it is ONLY because of the missing homework. For instance, in Advanced Math, he has a 98% average for tests, quizzes and classwork, but a 45% in homework. So, he's failing. It is the same story with the other classes. He understands. This is strictly a homework driven.
What I think is happening is that he does not feel challenged by the work. Homework is supposed to be practice. He can pass all the tests with top scores, and doesn't need to practice. So, the homework feels boring and unnecessary. Do you think you could talk to the teachers and guidance counselor about the issue and maybe trying him in higher level classes if he isn't already in the top level and/or AP classes, etc? I know it will be tough when they look at the grades, but if you can point out the test scores and lack of homework. I sometimes face this with my kids. The school had my older daughter tested because they felt like something was going on with her. The tests revealed that she has an extremely unusual high level of memory for a girl her age. That is why she excels beyond her level in some things, but has trouble in other areas dealing with the amount of information she processes at once because she is still learning how to manage her abilities.
Also when I was in school the regular level classes felt like a joke (the work) and a zoo to me (the way the kids behaved). The top level classes just felt like regular school, in which I could just do work that was not super easy. It was still very easy to me, but it wasn't like a complete joke. The school system isn't always so good.
I love the school my kids are in, though.0 -
A few more things to clarify:
1. My kids all do regular chores. They do not get paid for these chores because that's part of being a family. We work together to take care of things around the house. The chores I listed are the things that I will normally pay a small allowance for. These are "extras", so that they have an opportunity to make some money and learn to manage it. But only after regular chores are done. I have 5 children at home. No free rides! I regularly get compliments on how clean my house is though.
2. Several people asked if he may be struggling with the material. I should have included in my OP that, while my son is failing several classes, it is ONLY because of the missing homework. For instance, in Advanced Math, he has a 98% average for tests, quizzes and classwork, but a 45% in homework. So, he's failing. It is the same story with the other classes. He understands. This is strictly a homework driven.
3. I can't try the "take away privacy" thing. He shares a room with his 8 year old step brother. He pretty much has no privacy anyway. Never has. :laugh:
ETA: I can't spell.
It sounds like you are an awesome mom!0 -
A few more things to clarify:
1. My kids all do regular chores. They do not get paid for these chores because that's part of being a family. We work together to take care of things around the house. The chores I listed are the things that I will normally pay a small allowance for. These are "extras", so that they have an opportunity to make some money and learn to manage it. But only after regular chores are done. I have 5 children at home. No free rides! I regularly get compliments on how clean my house is though.
2. Several people asked if he may be struggling with the material. I should have included in my OP that, while my son is failing several classes, it is ONLY because of the missing homework. For instance, in Advanced Math, he has a 98% average for tests, quizzes and classwork, but a 45% in homework. So, he's failing. It is the same story with the other classes. He understands. This is strictly a homework driven.
3. I can't try the "take away privacy" thing. He shares a room with his 8 year old step brother. He pretty much has no privacy anyway. Never has. :laugh:
ETA: I can't spell.
You may be facing a losing battle on this one! I refused to do homework, because it was stupid and I didn't need it. I considered it a waste of my time and I didn't care if the teacher failed me for it. It was a stubborn, stupid attitude to have, and one that came back to bite me in the butt later on, but at that age, there was nothing my parents could do to convince me that endless busy work was a necessary part of success in my future.
That being said, my parents never tried the consequence/reward system with me, so who's to say if it would have worked.0 -
Also, speaking from personal experience AND professional training. GT students ARE NOT motivated by grades, period. They don't care if they get an A and if they think what they are learning holds no value, they're not going to do it. There is a BIG difference between a high achiever student and a GT student. Most teachers don't know how to work with (or even recognize) a true GT student.
That's why I suggested connecting the consequence/reward system to career goals that your kid might be interested in. At a certain maturity level a GT kid should be able to understand that while what they're doing right now might NOT actually be that important to their future, their GPA absolutely WILL be important towards being able to get in to the schools/classes/careers that ARE interesting to them.
One semester in an on level english class in 9th grade was MORE than enough to convince me that I needed to be in honors for the rest of my highschool career. I was DESPERATE to get out.0 -
Hmmm.. I'm not a parent so I might not be the right person to give an idea .. however I know what being a strict parent can do to a kid .. I experienced it and it only drove me crazy as a kid until i knew it was my life not their life and took control and did pretty well .. so my idea for you is .... let him not do his homework! let him fail once ..twice .. and let gim take responsibility he will learn! everything has consequences once he taste that bad feeling of being such a loser .. next time he will do his homework for sure.. Anyway wish you luck and damn parenting is a hard work
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I taught parenting classes for years. My advice is to make sure that the *punishment* fits the misbehavior. Logical consequences work. Consistency with redirecting the behavior and parents being in control are something to keep in mind.0
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A few more things to clarify:
1. My kids all do regular chores. They do not get paid for these chores because that's part of being a family. We work together to take care of things around the house. The chores I listed are the things that I will normally pay a small allowance for. These are "extras", so that they have an opportunity to make some money and learn to manage it. But only after regular chores are done. I have 5 children at home. No free rides! I regularly get compliments on how clean my house is though.
2. Several people asked if he may be struggling with the material. I should have included in my OP that, while my son is failing several classes, it is ONLY because of the missing homework. For instance, in Advanced Math, he has a 98% average for tests, quizzes and classwork, but a 45% in homework. So, he's failing. It is the same story with the other classes. He understands. This is strictly a homework driven.
3. I can't try the "take away privacy" thing. He shares a room with his 8 year old step brother. He pretty much has no privacy anyway. Never has. :laugh:
ETA: I can't spell.
I'm sorry, but... Where do we stand on Duct Tape and Burpees???0 -
A few more things to clarify:
1. My kids all do regular chores. They do not get paid for these chores because that's part of being a family. We work together to take care of things around the house. The chores I listed are the things that I will normally pay a small allowance for. These are "extras", so that they have an opportunity to make some money and learn to manage it. But only after regular chores are done. I have 5 children at home. No free rides! I regularly get compliments on how clean my house is though.
2. Several people asked if he may be struggling with the material. I should have included in my OP that, while my son is failing several classes, it is ONLY because of the missing homework. For instance, in Advanced Math, he has a 98% average for tests, quizzes and classwork, but a 45% in homework. So, he's failing. It is the same story with the other classes. He understands. This is strictly a homework driven.
3. I can't try the "take away privacy" thing. He shares a room with his 8 year old step brother. He pretty much has no privacy anyway. Never has. :laugh:
ETA: I can't spell.
I'm sorry, but... Where do we stand on Duct Tape and Burpees???
Burpees legal, duct tape not legal. :ohwell:0 -
A few more things to clarify:
1. My kids all do regular chores. They do not get paid for these chores because that's part of being a family. We work together to take care of things around the house. The chores I listed are the things that I will normally pay a small allowance for. These are "extras", so that they have an opportunity to make some money and learn to manage it. But only after regular chores are done. I have 5 children at home. No free rides! I regularly get compliments on how clean my house is though.
2. Several people asked if he may be struggling with the material. I should have included in my OP that, while my son is failing several classes, it is ONLY because of the missing homework. For instance, in Advanced Math, he has a 98% average for tests, quizzes and classwork, but a 45% in homework. So, he's failing. It is the same story with the other classes. He understands. This is strictly a homework driven.
3. I can't try the "take away privacy" thing. He shares a room with his 8 year old step brother. He pretty much has no privacy anyway. Never has. :laugh:
ETA: I can't spell.
I'm sorry, but... Where do we stand on Duct Tape and Burpees???
Burpees legal, duct tape not legal. :ohwell:
Not even over smart little mouths??0 -
Not even over smart little mouths??
If it was, my life as a teacher would be a LOT simpler :laugh: :drinker:0 -
It's funny you should say this. I had lunch with my dad today, and he said this same thing. Maybe he's bored and the grades aren't enough to motivate him. It's just so unlike him to half-*kitten* anything. Maybe he does just feel stuck and bored.Also, speaking from personal experience AND professional training. GT students ARE NOT motivated by grades, period. They don't care if they get an A and if they think what they are learning holds no value, they're not going to do it. There is a BIG difference between a high achiever student and a GT student. Most teachers don't know how to work with (or even recognize) a true GT student.
That's why I suggested connecting the consequence/reward system to career goals that your kid might be interested in. At a certain maturity level a GT kid should be able to understand that while what they're doing right now might NOT actually be that important to their future, their GPA absolutely WILL be important towards being able to get in to the schools/classes/careers that ARE interesting to them.
One semester in an on level english class in 9th grade was MORE than enough to convince me that I needed to be in honors for the rest of my highschool career. I was DESPERATE to get out.
I think I need to go call the school and get a face to face meeting with the principal.0 -
Already standard procedure. Need new material.A few more things to clarify:
1. My kids all do regular chores. They do not get paid for these chores because that's part of being a family. We work together to take care of things around the house. The chores I listed are the things that I will normally pay a small allowance for. These are "extras", so that they have an opportunity to make some money and learn to manage it. But only after regular chores are done. I have 5 children at home. No free rides! I regularly get compliments on how clean my house is though.
2. Several people asked if he may be struggling with the material. I should have included in my OP that, while my son is failing several classes, it is ONLY because of the missing homework. For instance, in Advanced Math, he has a 98% average for tests, quizzes and classwork, but a 45% in homework. So, he's failing. It is the same story with the other classes. He understands. This is strictly a homework driven.
3. I can't try the "take away privacy" thing. He shares a room with his 8 year old step brother. He pretty much has no privacy anyway. Never has. :laugh:
ETA: I can't spell.
I'm sorry, but... Where do we stand on Duct Tape and Burpees??? 0 -
When they were little, I would give my kids "the blackout" ... Nothing electronic (except a lightbulb) for x amount of time. Small things would get a 2 hour blackout. Big .. maybe even a 48 hour blackout.
Now that they're in high school, they dont get the WiFi password of the day until homework is done.
Ohhhhh...keeping the WiFi password on lockdown. Excellent one!0 -
Lock him in a room and make him listen to Justin Bieber all day and all night! LOL!0
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When i was little, my parents would make me sit next to the TV (facing away from it) while they watched it. I was only allowed to get up to use the bathroom(where i got aprox. 3 minutes in), and to sleep. In my room, my parents would take away everything but my bed and dresser.0
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I teach 7th grade. My advice would be to, as much as possible, focus on the positive. If he does one assignment, give him 15 minutes of screen time. If he does two, give him 20 minutes. Baby steps...0
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bump for later...0
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I teach middle school math. Thank you for trying to get your child to do his part! I have lots of students who don't do homework. I've tried everything on my end, and some of them just won't do it.
I had one very bright young man do little to no homework last quarter. He missed two weeks of school, and I repeatedly gave him the work and emailed parents to remind them that he needed to turn in homework and take missed assessments. In addition, I offered to help him at lunch. The parents assured me via email that he would get the work in.
Well... the quarter ended, and he did not step up, and as a result, his grade for the quarter was an E. (His exam grade was a B, so its not that he can't do it). I submitted grades yesterday, and now I wait for the other shoe to fall. Once the parents see the grade for Algebra, which is considered a high school class, I am sure they will be right on it, now that its too late. Natural consequences are always best.
Please continue to support your son. He will figure it out because you are doing your job as a parent:-)0
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