Pissed with my husband's negativity

Doctorpurple

I'm really annoyed with my husband right now. Today I reached a very good milestone for me. I have lost 15 lbs in 5 months and I have a BMI of 19.5. I got myself tested today with my progress with body fat and it was significantly improved. I'm now in the athletic category for women as far as body fat percentage goes. I told my husband and his response annoyed me. He said "gross that's too skinny. You have a BMI of 19.5? That so close to underweight". I got annoyed because I was happy about reaching my goals and instead of being happy for me, he just made me feel bad about myself. Tonight I tried to talk to him that what he said hurt my feelings and then he went and started talking about how I'm getting too skinny and his ideal is like the celeb Nicole scherzinger, megan fox and he showed me a couple photos of Miami dolphins cheerleaders. Which I found odd since all of them are effing skinner than me. So now I'm just upset. He tries to make feel better by saying a bunch of stupid things that don't even make sense as he is struggling to salvage the situation. Now I just don't know what to do. I'm finally happy with my body and it took a lot of hard work to get to where I am but I have this negativity that my husband doesn't like my body. I'm sorry for the rant. I guess I'm just sharing.

creativerick

I had some really good advice for you and your relationship, but after seeing you're a 3rd year medical student and browsing through your pictures it is in my best interest to see your relationship fail.


Good luck, but I'm here if it doesn't work out.



Not serious... It sounds like it could be a number of issues. My first recommendation is to go to marriage counseling now.

Trenchant

Losing weight should never be done for the benefit of someone else, and while being healthier and happier, and completing personal goals is great, body image obsession is never a healthy situation, along with your health benefits you must build your own self efficacy, your confidence, and your own beliefs on your body image. If you are happy with your body that all that matters. You don't need the approval of someone else for your own effort, and no one has the right to tell anyone how the should or shouldn't look. period.

That being said, how a woman looks has been the last factor I have ever used to maintain a healthy relationship. Personality, communication, and mutual respect will always last much longer in a relationship than body image.

In terms of the image issues, have some more confidence, they say beauty is skin deep and its true, who you are inside is much more important. On your husband... well not much to say there, except perhaps talk to him earnestly about how he made you feel and try to work it out, I'm sure he finds you just as beautiful as any cheerleader lol

LeopardSurd

He is doing wrong. Be happy with your body and continue to be a strong confidential woman. As a medical student, it's important to believe in you. I know what I'm saying because I'm a medical doctor with a history of obesity and overweight.

Your husband will accept you as you are. He loves you but perhaps needs a little more time. For me, there is no ideal woman except the woman I love. I've learned that once upon.

holly55555

First of all, as a fellow skinny person, I understand EXACTLY why you're losing weight. I was skinny fat. Always thin, but squishy and no muscle whatsoever. It all depends on your frame and how you carry weight and muscle. When people heard I was trying to lose, I got the same kind of backlash. But what they don't realize is that it all comes down to BODY FAT PERCENTAGE. It is your body fat compared to your total mass. Just because your weight is low and your BMI is low, it is still about how much fat/muscle you are carrying. IF you're like me, I don't have a lot muscle and therefore weigh a lot less than someone who is the same height as me and athletic, and I would still have more fat to lose.

Secondly, you need to explain that to your husband. Some people just build muscle differently and are heavier (but can look the same). This doesn't mean you're too skinny, it's how you work out and put on weight.

Lastly, you also need to tell your husband that while you love him and appreciate his thoughts, HE DOESN'T get to decide how you look or how your body looks. If that is the rule, you should demand that he gets six pack abs and looks like Channing Tatum. He needs to appreciate and love you no matter how you look fat or thin. It is your choice, not his.

Mr_Knight

My guess is something else is going on, and this is just a vehicle for redirection.

Either that, or he's an idiot. Which is always a plausible option with males, especially in that age bracket. :laugh:

SherryTeach

Marriage counseling or divorce. I don't see much alternative. I would not allow a person who was supposed to love me continue to treat me this way.

LessthanKris

My first thought reading that is he is an idiot. Not sure who would take the time to show their wife pictures of other woman they want them to look like.

It sounds like you are doing great and I agree with what others have said, be happy for yourself. Is he a bit out of shape? Maybe a little jealousy that you are getting in better shape?

970Mikaela1

+1 more for idiot. You look great!

Doctorpurple

Thanks for all the excellent advice. We are trying to clear our heads and we are planning to talk again about this topic a little later. I think I'm being too sensitive and everyone is right that I really need to be the one happy about my weight and be confident despite what my husband thinks. Knowing him he's probably just being stupid and saying things he doesn't know the implications of. He should know better though (he is 8 years older than me) but I guess he doesn't. I'm not really skinny fat. I have a body fat percentage of 17% and I work out regularly. I am not ripped but I'm fairly muscular. I think he just needs to get used to me being smaller and maybe my quite fast weight loss freaked him out a bit. As with the counseling, yeah I'm sure we need it. We are fairly happy with our relationship but we do get into arguments with misunderstanding as the main culprit. We need to work out with our communication better.

fitphoenix22

He sounds insecure... it seems like he tears you down so that when someone comes along that is more ((insert his insecurity here)) than he is, you won't think you're worthy of a man like that.

For what it's worth, I think you look awesome and 19.5% BF is amazing! Congrats on hitting your goal!

Doctorpurple

My first thought reading that is he is an idiot. Not sure who would take the time to show their wife pictures of other woman they want them to look like.

It sounds like you are doing great and I agree with what others have said, be happy for yourself. Is he a bit out of shape? Maybe a little jealousy that you are getting in better shape?

Yeah actually he is a out of shape and he's unhappy with his body for years now. I try to help him by trying to motivate him about working out and eating healthy. But he has some issues with overeating/emotional eating. He is a medical student too and when he gets stressed out, he eats unhealthily sometimes behind my back. His guilty pleasure is pizza/chicken wings and when he stays up at night, I would see empty boxes of kfc boxes hidden in the drawers the next morning. He is working on it though and has lost about 8 lbs since this year started and he goes to overeaters anonymous meetings sometimes. But yeah you are right. Maybe the fact that he is discontent with his body played a role with his negativity.

Mr_Knight

(he is 8 years older than me)

Ah, well, that's a potential problem. If a guy hasn't smartened up by 30, he's pretty much a lost cause.

Good luck!

KimiSteinbach

Focus on YOU and only YOU!!!

wheird

(he is 8 years older than me)

Ah, well, that's a potential problem. If a guy hasn't smartened up by 30, he's pretty much a lost cause.

Good luck!

This.

jonnythan

Sounds like the jerk you decided to marry is taking out his own insecurities on you.

nightshutter

Judging by your pics, the issue is HIM. You should be very proud. Unfortunately he is taking his own issues out on you.

Ed98043

I'm failing to see the difference between you and the women he showed you pictures of (except maybe the fake boobs, and some of them are so skinny you can count their ribs). He's obviously projecting with his own insecurities. I hope you figure it out - you shouldn't have to feel like your husband is just begrudgingly accepting your body when you've worked so hard and look so good. He should be thrilled and proud just like you are.

Iwishyouwell

I think a lot of people have touched on the root issue, with him being older, and out of shape. Yours is not an uncommon story.

But it's also threads like this that baffle me. How do people feel comfortable opening up their spouses, the supposed loves of their lives, to this kind of attack from strangers? It's one thing to vent, but I'm shocked people around here just sit back and let folks call their husbands and wives all kinds of names. Amazing. I wish a mofo would with my amazing wife.

Docmahi

your body is for you not anybody else - gotta be comfortable in your own skin

AbstractSilver

I think a lot of people have touched on the root issue, with him being older, and out of shape. Yours is not an uncommon story.

But it's also threads like this that baffle me. How do people feel comfortable opening up their spouses, the supposed loves of their lives, to this kind of attack from strangers? It's one thing to vent, but I'm shocked people around here just sit back and let folks call their husbands and wives all kinds of names. Amazing. I wish a mofo would with my amazing wife.

It is natural to seek reassurance and validation when we are hurt. She already said she tried talking to him about it and he wouldn't listen, so should she just bottle it up inside and not tell anyone? People here aren't 'attacking' him, they are saying that he was wrong to say and do what he did. Maybe a little compassion instead of implying she is in the wrong for seeking some kind of reassurance after the love of her life (in your own words) basically told her that how he wanted her to look was more important than what she wanted? Are we never allowed to be saddened and disappointed in the behavior of our spouses? If not opening up to us, who would you suggest? Close friends and business associates who actually KNOW her husband? Wouldn't that be worse? I'm sorry if I've misinterpreted what you've said, but honestly you came off as being very unsympathetic to this very hurtful event in her life. (On a side note, the fact he is out of shape should have NOTHING to do with how he treats her. That may be a reason, but it sure as hell isn't an excuse).

DatPanna

Marriage counseling or divorce. I don't see much alternative. I would not allow a person who was supposed to love me continue to treat me this way.

This. A million times, this. WHY would you put up with that treatment?

* Sigh. * To each there own though. If you're happy in your relationship, who are we to judge?

moya_rargh

I'm really annoyed with my husband right now. Today I reached a very good milestone for me. I have lost 15 lbs in 5 months and I have a BMI of 19.5. I got myself tested today with my progress with body fat and it was significantly improved. I'm now in the athletic category for women as far as body fat percentage goes. I told my husband and his response annoyed me. He said "gross that's too skinny. You have a BMI of 19.5? That so close to underweight". I got annoyed because I was happy about reaching my goals and instead of being happy for me, he just made me feel bad about myself. Tonight I tried to talk to him that what he said hurt my feelings and then he went and started talking about how I'm getting too skinny and his ideal is like the celeb Nicole scherzinger, megan fox and he showed me a couple photos of Miami dolphins cheerleaders. Which I found odd since all of them are effing skinner than me. So now I'm just upset. He tries to make feel better by saying a bunch of stupid things that don't even make sense as he is struggling to salvage the situation. Now I just don't know what to do. I'm finally happy with my body and it took a lot of hard work to get to where I am but I have this negativity that my husband doesn't like my body. I'm sorry for the rant. I guess I'm just sharing.

He's scared that you're going to trade him in for a hotter guy. He hasn't got the right to talk to you the way that he does, of course he hasn't, but it's out of fear of losing you rather than any genuine malice. You both need to get the insecurity out into the open.

Oh, and ignore the 'DIVORCE HIM' crew. They probably just want to see you single. LOLTROLLBOMB

sowich25

Good luck. You look great keep up the good work. As a guy I know I say some off the wall things to my wife. I realize later that I should have worded it different. Then I try to make up for it and it only makes it worse. Sometimes you have to take it as a grain of salt and come back to it later. Then address your dislike to what he said.

HappyStack

If he's hiding the evidence of his food binges, sounds like he might need some one-on-one time with a counsellor.

Unknown

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cafeaulait7

He may just be an idiot about some things. It happens. And he's allowed to have a vision of perfect beauty that is not you, imho, because that's common enough, and it's up to you whether you ever want to hear about it, lol. Where he really screwed up is in thinking that you'd agree just because that's his favorite look.

My ex's favorite look wasn't my look, but that's cool. His wasn't my absolute favorite either! And he heard about my 'type' too, since he was talking about his

I think you should point out that the direct comparison was not cool at all, but lovely for him for thinking pretty women are really pretty. And then re-emphasize the look you like best on you and make him say Yay for your success. Literally make him!

Or either he's a lost cause. You'll know in your gut which it is, imho.

sandiuk

He sounds to me as if he's terrified that other men will find you even more attractive and become even more of a threat to him. Keep reassuring him that you love him (if you do!) and buoying up his confidence - this is what it's all about imo, his self confidence (or lack of it). You look great and if you're happy and healthy, this is all that matters - others have to work with it and adapt x

gigglesinthesun

perhaps he is actually genuinely worried about you being obsessed with being skinny. I don't know how many hours you have spent in gym to get to your shape, I don't know how closely you monitor your intake, but if you have put in a lot of hours and weight everything etc etc maybe he is worried that you slip into an eating/exercise disorder.

Halleeon

I agree, couple's counseling - sounds like insecurity and codependency issues. Best of luck!

zealey77

You don't have to be a psychologist to see that your husband is insecure that your new weight loss has made you more confident in yourself and more attractive to other people. He is scared that you have changed and he hasn't, and may now leave him for someone with the same drive, willpower and energy as you.
His response, rather than to admit this to you, is to belittle you, to ruin your self-esteem and thus guarantee you don't have the confidence to leave him.