Pissed with my husband's negativity
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I think a lot of people have touched on the root issue, with him being older, and out of shape. Yours is not an uncommon story.
But it's also threads like this that baffle me. How do people feel comfortable opening up their spouses, the supposed loves of their lives, to this kind of attack from strangers? It's one thing to vent, but I'm shocked people around here just sit back and let folks call their husbands and wives all kinds of names. Amazing. I wish a mofo would with my amazing wife.
It is natural to seek reassurance and validation when we are hurt. She already said she tried talking to him about it and he wouldn't listen, so should she just bottle it up inside and not tell anyone? People here aren't 'attacking' him, they are saying that he was wrong to say and do what he did. Maybe a little compassion instead of implying she is in the wrong for seeking some kind of reassurance after the love of her life (in your own words) basically told her that how he wanted her to look was more important than what she wanted? Are we never allowed to be saddened and disappointed in the behavior of our spouses? If not opening up to us, who would you suggest? Close friends and business associates who actually KNOW her husband? Wouldn't that be worse? I'm sorry if I've misinterpreted what you've said, but honestly you came off as being very unsympathetic to this very hurtful event in her life. (On a side note, the fact he is out of shape should have NOTHING to do with how he treats her. That may be a reason, but it sure as hell isn't an excuse).0 -
Marriage counseling or divorce. I don't see much alternative. I would not allow a person who was supposed to love me continue to treat me this way.
This. A million times, this. WHY would you put up with that treatment?
* Sigh. * To each there own though. If you're happy in your relationship, who are we to judge?0 -
I'm really annoyed with my husband right now. Today I reached a very good milestone for me. I have lost 15 lbs in 5 months and I have a BMI of 19.5. I got myself tested today with my progress with body fat and it was significantly improved. I'm now in the athletic category for women as far as body fat percentage goes. I told my husband and his response annoyed me. He said "gross that's too skinny. You have a BMI of 19.5? That so close to underweight". I got annoyed because I was happy about reaching my goals and instead of being happy for me, he just made me feel bad about myself. Tonight I tried to talk to him that what he said hurt my feelings and then he went and started talking about how I'm getting too skinny and his ideal is like the celeb Nicole scherzinger, megan fox and he showed me a couple photos of Miami dolphins cheerleaders. Which I found odd since all of them are effing skinner than me. So now I'm just upset. He tries to make feel better by saying a bunch of stupid things that don't even make sense as he is struggling to salvage the situation. Now I just don't know what to do. I'm finally happy with my body and it took a lot of hard work to get to where I am but I have this negativity that my husband doesn't like my body. I'm sorry for the rant. I guess I'm just sharing.
He's scared that you're going to trade him in for a hotter guy. He hasn't got the right to talk to you the way that he does, of course he hasn't, but it's out of fear of losing you rather than any genuine malice. You both need to get the insecurity out into the open.
Oh, and ignore the 'DIVORCE HIM' crew. They probably just want to see you single. LOLTROLLBOMB0 -
Good luck. You look great keep up the good work. As a guy I know I say some off the wall things to my wife. I realize later that I should have worded it different. Then I try to make up for it and it only makes it worse. Sometimes you have to take it as a grain of salt and come back to it later. Then address your dislike to what he said.0
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If he's hiding the evidence of his food binges, sounds like he might need some one-on-one time with a counsellor.0
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He may just be an idiot about some things. It happens. And he's allowed to have a vision of perfect beauty that is not you, imho, because that's common enough, and it's up to you whether you ever want to hear about it, lol. Where he really screwed up is in thinking that you'd agree just because that's his favorite look.
My ex's favorite look wasn't my look, but that's cool. His wasn't my absolute favorite either! And he heard about my 'type' too, since he was talking about his
I think you should point out that the direct comparison was not cool at all, but lovely for him for thinking pretty women are really pretty. And then re-emphasize the look you like best on you and make him say Yay for your success. Literally make him!
Or either he's a lost cause. You'll know in your gut which it is, imho.0 -
He sounds to me as if he's terrified that other men will find you even more attractive and become even more of a threat to him. Keep reassuring him that you love him (if you do!) and buoying up his confidence - this is what it's all about imo, his self confidence (or lack of it). You look great and if you're happy and healthy, this is all that matters - others have to work with it and adapt x0
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perhaps he is actually genuinely worried about you being obsessed with being skinny. I don't know how many hours you have spent in gym to get to your shape, I don't know how closely you monitor your intake, but if you have put in a lot of hours and weight everything etc etc maybe he is worried that you slip into an eating/exercise disorder.0
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I agree, couple's counseling - sounds like insecurity and codependency issues. Best of luck!0
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You don't have to be a psychologist to see that your husband is insecure that your new weight loss has made you more confident in yourself and more attractive to other people. He is scared that you have changed and he hasn't, and may now leave him for someone with the same drive, willpower and energy as you.
His response, rather than to admit this to you, is to belittle you, to ruin your self-esteem and thus guarantee you don't have the confidence to leave him.0 -
It's one thing to say "I'm genuinely worried about you and whether or not you're dieting too much" -- and quite another to show a wife pictures of Megan Fox and professional cheerleaders as examples for you.
Ask him how he'd feel if you showed him pictures of "ideal men"...he probably wouldn't like that.0 -
He should know better though (he is 8 years older than me) but I guess he doesn't.
So you're younger than him, fitter than him and you could (in his mind) do better than him. Probably. It's a common reaction. If he can get you to look a bit less good than you're less likely to attract attention from other men and less likely to stray.
He's being an idiot. And as for showing you photos of Nicole Scherzinger: that woman is seriously skinny!! And he's describing her as "curvy"?
Double idiot.
What you need to ask yourself is - is he right? Can you do better than him? The answer's probably yes. Fact is though, you are with him and you presumably want to stay with him - as long as he quits trying to undermine you. Tell him that: tell him it's his problem and he can deal with it on his own but he can keep his dumbass comments to himself in the meantime.0 -
Thanks for all the excellent advice. We are trying to clear our heads and we are planning to talk again about this topic a little later. I think I'm being too sensitive and everyone is right that I really need to be the one happy about my weight and be confident despite what my husband thinks. Knowing him he's probably just being stupid and saying things he doesn't know the implications of. He should know better though (he is 8 years older than me) but I guess he doesn't. I'm not really skinny fat. I have a body fat percentage of 17% and I work out regularly. I am not ripped but I'm fairly muscular. I think he just needs to get used to me being smaller and maybe my quite fast weight loss freaked him out a bit. As with the counseling, yeah I'm sure we need it. We are fairly happy with our relationship but we do get into arguments with misunderstanding as the main culprit. We need to work out with our communication better.
Firstly, congratulations on taking such a level headed and empathetic approach to this situation. It is nice to see someone giving their partner the benefit of the doubt and seeing how they may be feeling.
If you want to work on your communication consider this book:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships-ebook/dp/B0019O6IWU/ref=tmm_kin_title_0
It is my personal belief that most people are kind and good but their communication skills leave a lot to be desired and cannot express what they are truly feeling. It could be your husband is a jerk or it could be that he is afraid of what your new body shape means in terms of you loving him.
Good luck!0 -
#1 rule: men are dumb. I am one, and although I have 2 Bachelors Degrees and a Masters, I am dumb.
What I have yet to see is what's HIS fitness level? Is he trying to improve his own fitness, and is jealous that you're meeting your own goals, and he is either unfit, or unable.
Maybe he's concerned that now you're hot AND fit, other guys will be all over you ... and he's worried.
So, yeah, as a couple of others have suggested: normal male insecurity.
The other side of the coin is this: has he every been good and giving REAL, meaningful compliments before? If you've ever seen Sheldon on Big Bang Theory try to give a compliment, it's hilarious - he doesn't know how.
Every man can say basic compliments by rote: "you look nice"; "you're pretty" ... but now there's a new paradigm, and the basic old "easy compliments" no longer fit.
Involve him in your goal ... some people have said "don't change for others" - and that's BS. I underwent 4 hours of knee surgery so that someday I would be able to play soccer with my kids - I workout 4-5 days because I want to be around long enough to see my grandchildren. We *do* change for others.
Somehow convince him that your fitness is for YOU AS A COUPLE - this will have 2 effects: less concern about jealousy/other men and make him a part of your fitness journey. Have him suggest a couple of muscle groups that he'd like you to work on (for example, maybe he'd find it sexy if you had nicely-defined biceps - ask him!) ...again, involving him in your success.0 -
I think a lot of people have touched on the root issue, with him being older, and out of shape. Yours is not an uncommon story.
But it's also threads like this that baffle me. How do people feel comfortable opening up their spouses, the supposed loves of their lives, to this kind of attack from strangers? It's one thing to vent, but I'm shocked people around here just sit back and let folks call their husbands and wives all kinds of names. Amazing. I wish a mofo would with my amazing wife.
Sometimes it's actually easier to open up to strangers on the internet than friends that are going to see this guy at some point. And as for people calling others names, this is the internet, it happens. The key is being strong-minded enough to filter out the insults and concentrate on the good advice.
OP, I think you have got some great advice here, and some have hit the nail on the head; he's insecure.
It does concern me however that he actually took the time to show you pictures of women he 'prefers'. And the fact that you sat down and told him he upset you, and he simply continued in this manner. This says he's a bit of an idiot - either in a deliberate 'I want to hurt you kind of way', or an accidental 'I don't really know how to talk about this' kind of way. It's up to you to decide which one - but personally I wouldn't put up with the former.0 -
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He is working on it though and has lost about 8 lbs since this year started and he goes to overeaters anonymous meetings sometimes. But yeah you are right. Maybe the fact that he is discontent with his body played a role with his negativity.
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That's really none of our business that he goes to a 12 step meeting. It doesn't feel right to be invading his privacy. I would not want you to be my doctor.0 -
Your husband is a class A moron. You don't have kids between you? He needs to support you 100% or you should be done with him. There are too many fish I the sea. Do marriage counseling if you want, but I would give him a very short time frame and very few chances left to fix his idiocy before you are done with it. This is beneath you.0
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Err.. treated which way?
As far as I'm aware he didn't mistreat the OP. He expressed his opinion. She feels hurt (I would as well), she doesn't understand why he is not happy for her (but then he is not sure why she feels she needs to loose weight either).
Should she divorce him just because he expressed his opinion - in a very bad moment? Wow, that escalated quickly!0 -
you should have told him your bmi was 250
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