Pissed with my husband's negativity

mimieon

You could suggest to him that he should pursue Megan Fox/Cheerleaders/etc rather than making you feel bad about yourself. There are already a few guys lining up for your (second poster?), so it seems like a win, win, win situation.

That or you can try to help him address his self-esteem issues, and hope he doesn't feel the need to take out his insecurities on you in the meantime.

randomtai

I think a lot of people have touched on the root issue, with him being older, and out of shape. Yours is not an uncommon story.

But it's also threads like this that baffle me. How do people feel comfortable opening up their spouses, the supposed loves of their lives, to this kind of attack from strangers? It's one thing to vent, but I'm shocked people around here just sit back and let folks call their husbands and wives all kinds of names. Amazing. I wish a mofo would with my amazing wife.

It is natural to seek reassurance and validation when we are hurt. She already said she tried talking to him about it and he wouldn't listen, so should she just bottle it up inside and not tell anyone? People here aren't 'attacking' him, they are saying that he was wrong to say and do what he did. Maybe a little compassion instead of implying she is in the wrong for seeking some kind of reassurance after the love of her life (in your own words) basically told her that how he wanted her to look was more important than what she wanted? Are we never allowed to be saddened and disappointed in the behavior of our spouses? If not opening up to us, who would you suggest? Close friends and business associates who actually KNOW her husband? Wouldn't that be worse? I'm sorry if I've misinterpreted what you've said, but honestly you came off as being very unsympathetic to this very hurtful event in her life. (On a side note, the fact he is out of shape should have NOTHING to do with how he treats her. That may be a reason, but it sure as hell isn't an excuse).

I already stated an understanding of the need to vent. Adults can say whatever they like, and I certainly understand the need to seek validation and understanding.

But there are also multiple sides to every story. Letting a group of people wholesale attack your spouse as "dumb", an "idiot", a "jerk", and suggest freaking DIVORCE off the back of one isolated event, accomplishes what exactly? It just surprises me, that's all, that people are so quick to open up their spouses to this kind of attack and sit back while the mob chews them alive without any context, any real insight into the marriage. How do we know this isn't a loving, supportive man who is struggling in ONE area? How would all of us like to be judged on a bad moment, lifted out of context, and magnified for a crowd of strangers to judge and attack? There is no way for people to lament moments like this while still preserving some dignify, and defense, for their spouse?

I sympathize with the OP. It is not easy to put this kind of work into changing your body, and your life, and receive negative feedback. Not sympathizing with her plight was never my point though.

This times a million.

Rahshanh

Marriage counseling or divorce. I don't see much alternative. I would not allow a person who was supposed to love me continue to treat me this way.

Maybe some serious heart to heart talks or some counseling, but not divorce. We are so quick nowadays to give up and just resolve to divorce.

rockmama72

I think a lot of people have touched on the root issue, with him being older, and out of shape. Yours is not an uncommon story.

But it's also threads like this that baffle me. How do people feel comfortable opening up their spouses, the supposed loves of their lives, to this kind of attack from strangers? It's one thing to vent, but I'm shocked people around here just sit back and let folks call their husbands and wives all kinds of names. Amazing. I wish a mofo would with my amazing wife.

I kind of feel this way too. This is a game of "Two Wrongs." Wrong of him to say what he did, and wrong to bash him on the Internet. You've got absolute strangers validating your rightness without having been there when the two of you had the argument in the first place.

Communicate with him, not us.

handyrunner

Divorce..why is that even an option...he made a couple of insensitive comments out of how many countless over how many years of marraige? Men do stupid things all the time. if women reacted to every stupid thing we all be walking around single.

Greytfish

A whole lot of you are confusing someone sharing their thoughts and an expereince for bashing a spouse.

mumblemagic

Divorce..why is that even an option...he made a couple of insensitive comments out of how many countless over how many years of marraige? Men do stupid things all the time. if women reacted to every stupid thing we all be walking around single.

Totally agree. You need to make it clear that he upset you, but divorce is a little extreme! Part of being in a committed relationship is committing to sorting things out when you piss each other off.

Unless of course there are a tonne of other reasons you're not working as a couple in which case divorce away.....

neanderthin

Divorce..why is that even an option...he made a couple of insensitive comments out of how many countless over how many years of marraige? Men do stupid things all the time. if women reacted to every stupid thing we all be walking around single.

Totally agree. You need to make it clear that he upset you, but divorce is a little extreme! Part of being in a committed relationship is committing to sorting things out when you piss each other off.

Unless of course there are a tonne of other reasons you're not working as a couple in which case divorce away.....

Just give him this when you go out.

PennyM140

You look amazing and you wear the cutest clothes!!

Sorry, no advice on husband. Just wanted to say congrats on making your goals!

ren_ascent

Ok so let me get this straight. You brought up your body in a positive way, and he responded by dissing it and showing you pictures of cheerleaders . . . :huh:

Perhaps you need to explain your goals are not meant for his benefit. They are for you. His negitivity (complete idiocy) is counter productive to his ability to get laid.

1shauna1

I have looked at your pictures and you're beautiful! I don't think you're too skinny for your frame; I'm assuming you're also petite. I agree that it could be some insecurity on his part if as you say he's unhappy with himself yet sees you improving yourself. Would he be willing to work out with you or eat healthy with you? It may also be that he's a bit dense (as many men are ;-) and didn't realize the way he worded his comments were pretty negative, or maybe just didn't think before he spoke.

lmd_1979

My advice would be perhaps to see your solicitor and draw up a pre-nuptial agreement where it states that he can't say anything about your looks.

drusilla126

I'd tell him to go be happy with one of those women then. Who the hell does that? What you look like on the outside doesn't affect the person he has vowed to love and cherish til death do you part. You should go to him with pictures of Brad Pitt or whoever and be like "I wish you looked like this. Now how do you feel?" If he can't support you in this it doesn't bode well for the relationship.

Katz135

I knew a woman years ago who was over 300 pounds. She went down to about 170-180. She was about 5'9". Her husband was a small man.

As she lost the weight she started getting compliments wherever they went. She admitted that it made her feel good, sexy, desirable, even wanted and appreciated. Her husband began to tell her she had lost enough, that she shouldn't lose anymore, that if she did she would look like she was sick, and so on. This went on so long that she was actually considering an affair with someone who made her feel good about herself.

Instead she sat him down and laid it out for him. She wasn't doing this for him (though he reaped the benefits of extra energy and extra libido) This was something she needed to do for herself and no one else. She told him she loved him, but that she needed more than that. She added that by becoming more of a healthy person she would be able to do more both with him and their kids. She also told him that if he couldn't be with her no matter her shape that maybe it was time for him to examine his own insecurities. They did go to councilling and they did work it out.

The problem was mainly his. He didn't think she would stay if she was sexy. He figured that she would want someone "better".
However, she had to learn how to take the compliments gracefully and not see them all as flirting. She had never had it before.

PS = they are still married. This is a journey and no journey is without its ups and downs if it is worth taking. Re-enforce your feelings for him and make sure he knows that they haven't changed, only your appearance

servilia

How long have you been married? Has he shown insecurity in the past?

cdgirl

I'm sorry to say that sometimes hubbies say things and don't stop to think how it will make us feel before they say it.I get stuff like that all the time and I've been married for 18yrs. Don't let his words get you down though.You are happy with what you've accomplished and that's what matters most.

WannabeStressFree

This sucks, better to discuss it with him before things get out of hand.

westendcurls

You loving your body is the sexiest you could ever hope to be!!. My husband also gives me grief, doesn't like my muscles says im getting close to being too thin. but we need to love ourselves first. if they see how much better we feel about ourselves they'll likely come around.

Sreneesa

I think a lot of people have touched on the root issue, with him being older, and out of shape. Yours is not an uncommon story.

But it's also threads like this that baffle me. How do people feel comfortable opening up their spouses, the supposed loves of their lives, to this kind of attack from strangers? It's one thing to vent, but I'm shocked people around here just sit back and let folks call their husbands and wives all kinds of names. Amazing. I wish a mofo would with my amazing wife.

Agreed! And I agree on allowing the name calling not that you have opened up.

I hope you two figure it out.

Now, I shall go back to page one and continue reading. lol

Annadriel

Just ignore him. Do what u think is best for u. If u are feeling great this is what is worth sty. And if he has problems with u feeling good, than the problem is in him, not u.