Is marriage a big waste of time ?

mccindy72

In April my husband and I will be celebrating our 27th wedding anniversary. We've been together for over 30 years. I could not imagine my life journey without him. Has it been all roses? Not at all. We have survived things that I have seen other couples walk away from. I think the hard times made us stronger and truth be told I found what kind of woman I am and what kind of man I married through the hard and difficult times. Instead of placing blame or holding on to resentment we always stood together and had each others back. Marriage is easy when is sunny and bright. It's those hard times you battle together even if one in the relationship is completely at fault that makes you a stronger and happier couple. I remember when I returned to work after our honeymoon and everyone was telling me their war stories and one man said, "We'll see how happy you are by year 3!" I smiled and told him, "I can't wait to see how we are when celebrate 30!" There are times I wanted to rip his eyes out and I sure there were plenty of times he wanted to ship me home to my parents but one thing I know...there is one person in this world that knows everything about me. Knows every mole, scar, what sets me off, what makes me giggle, what makes me cry, what I'm ashamed of and would like to hide, when I need to be roped in, and when I need to fly and that's my husband. That is something. I'd say marriage is so worth it when you are willing to put the other person first, learn to forgive, let go of grudges, realize it's not a game, and chose the right person to fall in love with. Somehow my husband brings out the best me.

so true.
Love isn't about overlooking the little things that drive you crazy about the other person, it's about knowing those things are part of the person you love, and embracing them as part of that person.

SilentDrapeRunners

Everything @Carly said is what I would have said before I found out that my ex-wife was cheating on me. 19 years together...13 years married, 3 great kids, two great jobs, one great house, 3 vacations a year, wonderful supportive families...and I thought we were on the same page, but it turns out that her page was cheating on me for the last year of our marriage with her boss (who was 20 years older, and married as well).

I know that my story is my story and not yours. My story is 7 years in the past, but it has kept me from moving into any sort of serious stage with any woman since then. I don't believe that I will ever trust a woman in a relationship again for the remainder of my life, and yes, that is upsetting to me. I loved being in love. I loved having someone to talk to in bed at the end of the day. I loved having intimate moments, and secrets, and jokes that only we knew the meaning of. I loved planning and thinking about the future and watching our wonderful children grow up and make mistakes and find successes. I loved being romantic. I loved having someone that would accept me when I cried and light up when I smiled.

But if there was ever a person on the planet that I trusted, it was her, and I feel stupid for what seems like a naive trust that I had and gave her. I trusted her to be honest and true to me and our family. She was a good person, the best I knew. And so, when the best person you know, the person who made you a better person, the person who you strived to be more like, the person that meant everything to you, violates you in that way, it tends to shatter you from the inside out. It tends to scream at you from inside your head that "IF THAT PERSON CAN'T BE TRUSTED, THEN NOBODY CAN!" And so, since then, each time I begin to trust a person, I back off because I'm reminded, in a powerful way, that my "trust" reality is a false sense of security and in order to avoid the fall and the pain, I need to avoid the relationship to begin with.

I'm disappointed that I've become a person who shakes his head and gently sighs/laughs/mocks the people who could stand up and say, "if you want it to work, you make it work", or "you have to work everyday at marriage, and if you do, then it works", or, "if you love each other enough, things will be great". I did. It didn't work. And again, I realize that I'm just one story and maybe I'm the exception and not the rule...and of course there probably is no rule. But there is human nature to consider. And I no longer believe that human nature dictates that it is normal or natural for two people to be true to one another for their entire adult lives.

I believe that it was easier 150 years ago when there weren't so many distractions in life, opportunities for finding new things, and the ease at which we can shift gears from one happiness to a brand new happiness; whether it's a new exercise class, a new cell phone, a new vacation spot, a new restaurant, new friends, a new job, or even a new lover.

For those of you that are still reading, and wondering if I gave her a second chance. Of course I did. If nothing else, we had children together. Even if I didn't want to fight for us, I wanted to fight for them. Within 5 minutes of her telling me about cheating, I forgave her opening and truthfully. I did not want this cloud cast over our children, and so I told her that I forgave her, asked her to talk to me, asked her to stop, asked her to go to counseling, asked her to talk with her friends, and asked her to consider how a divorce would impact her children (at the time they were 3, 7, and 11). She replied by handing me a book about co-parenting after divorce, told me that she had already seen a lawyer, and told me that she hadn't been in love with me for a long time. Tell me honestly, those of you happily married, if this happened to you, how would it impact the way you view marriage, relationships, and trust?

I'm a good person. I'm in tune with things around me. I am a great father. I run my own business. I have friends, I'm a good cook, I can build acoustic guitars, I can sing and write and be playful even at 43 years of age. I absorb current events regularly and stay connected with things and people in my community. My point is that I'm a regular man. I wasn't ignoring my wife while burying my head under the hood of a hot rod that would never be completely restored and rarely emerging from a constant semi-drunk-state-of-mind wasting my life in my recliner wondering if I'd get my turkey pot pie brought to me before halftime. That person might deserve my fate, but I didn't.

But I digress.

She appeased me for about 5 counseling sessions that I realize now were more for outward appearances than any true effort on her part. She was sure that she was in love with this new man and nothing was going to stop or change that.

Today she's married to him, and lives almost the exact life that we had together, but just a mile and a half away. She goes to work, she has the same handful of friends, few hobbies, same car, new furniture, same favorites spots, etc. But she comes home to a different man than I was/am. I don't know if you would think he's better or worse than I am, but he's different and I guess that's what she wanted. We raise our kids a week at a time. She gets them for a week, and then we switch, and so forth. I'm sure that they hate the planned transience that has been forced on them even though we have tried our best to create two comfortable and consistent homes.

As for me, I was deeply depressed for the first two years. Almost overnight, I lost my identity. I was a husband and father, and I would become single and a part-time father. I would, in an instant, lose 26 weeks each year of watching my kids laugh, and learn, and grow. Gone, just like that. I didn't have a purpose. In that life, everything I did was for my wife and children. In my new life, my "kid" weeks would be hectic (at first) and confusing and rushed trying to accomplish everything on my own. In my new life, on my "kid-less" weeks, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I would go from 100MPH to 0, week after week after week. My married men-friends would say, "Oh, what I'd give for a week to myself", not realizing just how ignorant that statement could be. Afterall, I wasn't on vacation.

Today, I'm father of the year in my kids eyes. I'm funny, caring, creative, supportive and most importantly, I'm present. After having a handful of failed relationships (likely due to my lack of trust) that took an enormous amount of time, energy and money, I have settled into the idea of staying single and being the best dad that I can be while my kids finish the short time they have living at home before going to college.

My youngest, my daughter, my princess, is 9 years old, and I know that she's happier when my attention is on her and her brothers, and nobody else. And I know that once she goes off to college, I'm going to be a mess, but that I spent my time doing what was important for them, rather than spending effort and energy on trying to replace something missing in my life. I'll have time for that in 10 years, and maybe I'll find something again, or maybe I won't. While I feel less fulfilled today in some aspects of my life, I don't feel fooled and I always feel like I'm in more control of my destiny and not leaving the most important parts of me in the hands of another person.

This is so sad...I'm so sorry. Divorce, cheating, and broken families are horrible things. But I think the only way a marriage/relationship can work is if both people are invested in making it work. So even though you were invested, she wasn't, so it wasn't going to work. I wonder if she had father issues since she was drawn to an older man? Sometimes that's the case. And since she did have issues of some sort, but wasn't willing to face or deal with those issues, there wasn't anything you could do to change that. I agree that in this day in age there are many more distractions and 'opportunities' for cheating. The internet alone caters to the 'I'm bored, I'll find something new in a second' mentality.

Trust is hard. Especially when you were a trusting person before this and had your trust violated. Some people (including myself) have always had trust issues, so we never let new people in very easily. Or we just assume the worst from the beginning.

I think you're doing the right thing though- being the best father you can be. Probably a better parent than your ex-wife, since I imagine she's not being honest about her issues, and thus can't be as forthcoming with her kids. But you can't change her, and you shouldn't hold built up resentments against her (not good for you or the kids). And you shouldn't let her choices completely destroy your good and trusting nature (many people are honest and trustworthy). Although, that advice is coming from someone who has difficulties with trusting anyone, lol. But I also think it's perfectly acceptable and reasonable to be by yourself too. I imagine that devoting your time and energy to your kids is very fulfilling (for both you and them).

SusanL222

The question posed "Is marriage a big waste of time?" I suggest that you think about how your world might be different if you were denied the right to legally marry. Fortunately, we are emerging from the dark ages and many states have now "extended" the right to marriage to same-sex couples.

Cameron_1969

Everything @Carly said is what I would have said before I found out that my ex-wife was cheating on me. 19 years together...13 years married, 3 great kids, two great jobs, one great house, 3 vacations a year, wonderful supportive families...and I thought we were on the same page, but it turns out that her page was cheating on me for the last year of our marriage with her boss (who was 20 years older, and married as well).

I know that my story is my story and not yours. My story is 7 years in the past, but it has kept me from moving into any sort of serious stage with any woman since then. I don't believe that I will ever trust a woman in a relationship again for the remainder of my life, and yes, that is upsetting to me. I loved being in love. I loved having someone to talk to in bed at the end of the day. I loved having intimate moments, and secrets, and jokes that only we knew the meaning of. I loved planning and thinking about the future and watching our wonderful children grow up and make mistakes and find successes. I loved being romantic. I loved having someone that would accept me when I cried and light up when I smiled.

But if there was ever a person on the planet that I trusted, it was her, and I feel stupid for what seems like a naive trust that I had and gave her. I trusted her to be honest and true to me and our family. She was a good person, the best I knew. And so, when the best person you know, the person who made you a better person, the person who you strived to be more like, the person that meant everything to you, violates you in that way, it tends to shatter you from the inside out. It tends to scream at you from inside your head that "IF THAT PERSON CAN'T BE TRUSTED, THEN NOBODY CAN!" And so, since then, each time I begin to trust a person, I back off because I'm reminded, in a powerful way, that my "trust" reality is a false sense of security and in order to avoid the fall and the pain, I need to avoid the relationship to begin with.

I'm disappointed that I've become a person who shakes his head and gently sighs/laughs/mocks the people who could stand up and say, "if you want it to work, you make it work", or "you have to work everyday at marriage, and if you do, then it works", or, "if you love each other enough, things will be great". I did. It didn't work. And again, I realize that I'm just one story and maybe I'm the exception and not the rule...and of course there probably is no rule. But there is human nature to consider. And I no longer believe that human nature dictates that it is normal or natural for two people to be true to one another for their entire adult lives.

I believe that it was easier 150 years ago when there weren't so many distractions in life, opportunities for finding new things, and the ease at which we can shift gears from one happiness to a brand new happiness; whether it's a new exercise class, a new cell phone, a new vacation spot, a new restaurant, new friends, a new job, or even a new lover.

For those of you that are still reading, and wondering if I gave her a second chance. Of course I did. If nothing else, we had children together. Even if I didn't want to fight for us, I wanted to fight for them. Within 5 minutes of her telling me about cheating, I forgave her opening and truthfully. I did not want this cloud cast over our children, and so I told her that I forgave her, asked her to talk to me, asked her to stop, asked her to go to counseling, asked her to talk with her friends, and asked her to consider how a divorce would impact her children (at the time they were 3, 7, and 11). She replied by handing me a book about co-parenting after divorce, told me that she had already seen a lawyer, and told me that she hadn't been in love with me for a long time. Tell me honestly, those of you happily married, if this happened to you, how would it impact the way you view marriage, relationships, and trust?

I'm a good person. I'm in tune with things around me. I am a great father. I run my own business. I have friends, I'm a good cook, I can build acoustic guitars, I can sing and write and be playful even at 43 years of age. I absorb current events regularly and stay connected with things and people in my community. My point is that I'm a regular man. I wasn't ignoring my wife while burying my head under the hood of a hot rod that would never be completely restored and rarely emerging from a constant semi-drunk-state-of-mind wasting my life in my recliner wondering if I'd get my turkey pot pie brought to me before halftime. That person might deserve my fate, but I didn't.

But I digress.

She appeased me for about 5 counseling sessions that I realize now were more for outward appearances than any true effort on her part. She was sure that she was in love with this new man and nothing was going to stop or change that.

Today she's married to him, and lives almost the exact life that we had together, but just a mile and a half away. She goes to work, she has the same handful of friends, few hobbies, same car, new furniture, same favorites spots, etc. But she comes home to a different man than I was/am. I don't know if you would think he's better or worse than I am, but he's different and I guess that's what she wanted. We raise our kids a week at a time. She gets them for a week, and then we switch, and so forth. I'm sure that they hate the planned transience that has been forced on them even though we have tried our best to create two comfortable and consistent homes.

As for me, I was deeply depressed for the first two years. Almost overnight, I lost my identity. I was a husband and father, and I would become single and a part-time father. I would, in an instant, lose 26 weeks each year of watching my kids laugh, and learn, and grow. Gone, just like that. I didn't have a purpose. In that life, everything I did was for my wife and children. In my new life, my "kid" weeks would be hectic (at first) and confusing and rushed trying to accomplish everything on my own. In my new life, on my "kid-less" weeks, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I would go from 100MPH to 0, week after week after week. My married men-friends would say, "Oh, what I'd give for a week to myself", not realizing just how ignorant that statement could be. Afterall, I wasn't on vacation.

Today, I'm father of the year in my kids eyes. I'm funny, caring, creative, supportive and most importantly, I'm present. After having a handful of failed relationships (likely due to my lack of trust) that took an enormous amount of time, energy and money, I have settled into the idea of staying single and being the best dad that I can be while my kids finish the short time they have living at home before going to college.

My youngest, my daughter, my princess, is 9 years old, and I know that she's happier when my attention is on her and her brothers, and nobody else. And I know that once she goes off to college, I'm going to be a mess, but that I spent my time doing what was important for them, rather than spending effort and energy on trying to replace something missing in my life. I'll have time for that in 10 years, and maybe I'll find something again, or maybe I won't. While I feel less fulfilled today in some aspects of my life, I don't feel fooled and I always feel like I'm in more control of my destiny and not leaving the most important parts of me in the hands of another person.

I actually read this whole thing. . And yeah. . me too.

Cameron_1969

things that are big wastes of time : marriage , children,sobriety ,dating websites,college/university,thanksigiving,whatever Stephen Harper does

^^ smiling

MissSaturday

Totally...

brewji

things that are big wastes of time : marriage , children,sobriety ,dating websites,college/university,thanksigiving,whatever Stephen Harper does

+1000

nofearbebravelive

Everything @Carly said is what I would have said before I found out that my ex-wife was cheating on me. 19 years together...13 years married, 3 great kids, two great jobs, one great house, 3 vacations a year, wonderful supportive families...and I thought we were on the same page, but it turns out that her page was cheating on me for the last year of our marriage with her boss (who was 20 years older, and married as well).

I know that my story is my story and not yours. My story is 7 years in the past, but it has kept me from moving into any sort of serious stage with any woman since then. I don't believe that I will ever trust a woman in a relationship again for the remainder of my life, and yes, that is upsetting to me. I loved being in love. I loved having someone to talk to in bed at the end of the day. I loved having intimate moments, and secrets, and jokes that only we knew the meaning of. I loved planning and thinking about the future and watching our wonderful children grow up and make mistakes and find successes. I loved being romantic. I loved having someone that would accept me when I cried and light up when I smiled.

But if there was ever a person on the planet that I trusted, it was her, and I feel stupid for what seems like a naive trust that I had and gave her. I trusted her to be honest and true to me and our family. She was a good person, the best I knew. And so, when the best person you know, the person who made you a better person, the person who you strived to be more like, the person that meant everything to you, violates you in that way, it tends to shatter you from the inside out. It tends to scream at you from inside your head that "IF THAT PERSON CAN'T BE TRUSTED, THEN NOBODY CAN!" And so, since then, each time I begin to trust a person, I back off because I'm reminded, in a powerful way, that my "trust" reality is a false sense of security and in order to avoid the fall and the pain, I need to avoid the relationship to begin with.

I'm disappointed that I've become a person who shakes his head and gently sighs/laughs/mocks the people who could stand up and say, "if you want it to work, you make it work", or "you have to work everyday at marriage, and if you do, then it works", or, "if you love each other enough, things will be great". I did. It didn't work. And again, I realize that I'm just one story and maybe I'm the exception and not the rule...and of course there probably is no rule. But there is human nature to consider. And I no longer believe that human nature dictates that it is normal or natural for two people to be true to one another for their entire adult lives.

I believe that it was easier 150 years ago when there weren't so many distractions in life, opportunities for finding new things, and the ease at which we can shift gears from one happiness to a brand new happiness; whether it's a new exercise class, a new cell phone, a new vacation spot, a new restaurant, new friends, a new job, or even a new lover.

For those of you that are still reading, and wondering if I gave her a second chance. Of course I did. If nothing else, we had children together. Even if I didn't want to fight for us, I wanted to fight for them. Within 5 minutes of her telling me about cheating, I forgave her opening and truthfully. I did not want this cloud cast over our children, and so I told her that I forgave her, asked her to talk to me, asked her to stop, asked her to go to counseling, asked her to talk with her friends, and asked her to consider how a divorce would impact her children (at the time they were 3, 7, and 11). She replied by handing me a book about co-parenting after divorce, told me that she had already seen a lawyer, and told me that she hadn't been in love with me for a long time. Tell me honestly, those of you happily married, if this happened to you, how would it impact the way you view marriage, relationships, and trust?

I'm a good person. I'm in tune with things around me. I am a great father. I run my own business. I have friends, I'm a good cook, I can build acoustic guitars, I can sing and write and be playful even at 43 years of age. I absorb current events regularly and stay connected with things and people in my community. My point is that I'm a regular man. I wasn't ignoring my wife while burying my head under the hood of a hot rod that would never be completely restored and rarely emerging from a constant semi-drunk-state-of-mind wasting my life in my recliner wondering if I'd get my turkey pot pie brought to me before halftime. That person might deserve my fate, but I didn't.

But I digress.

She appeased me for about 5 counseling sessions that I realize now were more for outward appearances than any true effort on her part. She was sure that she was in love with this new man and nothing was going to stop or change that.

Today she's married to him, and lives almost the exact life that we had together, but just a mile and a half away. She goes to work, she has the same handful of friends, few hobbies, same car, new furniture, same favorites spots, etc. But she comes home to a different man than I was/am. I don't know if you would think he's better or worse than I am, but he's different and I guess that's what she wanted. We raise our kids a week at a time. She gets them for a week, and then we switch, and so forth. I'm sure that they hate the planned transience that has been forced on them even though we have tried our best to create two comfortable and consistent homes.

As for me, I was deeply depressed for the first two years. Almost overnight, I lost my identity. I was a husband and father, and I would become single and a part-time father. I would, in an instant, lose 26 weeks each year of watching my kids laugh, and learn, and grow. Gone, just like that. I didn't have a purpose. In that life, everything I did was for my wife and children. In my new life, my "kid" weeks would be hectic (at first) and confusing and rushed trying to accomplish everything on my own. In my new life, on my "kid-less" weeks, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I would go from 100MPH to 0, week after week after week. My married men-friends would say, "Oh, what I'd give for a week to myself", not realizing just how ignorant that statement could be. Afterall, I wasn't on vacation.

Today, I'm father of the year in my kids eyes. I'm funny, caring, creative, supportive and most importantly, I'm present. After having a handful of failed relationships (likely due to my lack of trust) that took an enormous amount of time, energy and money, I have settled into the idea of staying single and being the best dad that I can be while my kids finish the short time they have living at home before going to college.

My youngest, my daughter, my princess, is 9 years old, and I know that she's happier when my attention is on her and her brothers, and nobody else. And I know that once she goes off to college, I'm going to be a mess, but that I spent my time doing what was important for them, rather than spending effort and energy on trying to replace something missing in my life. I'll have time for that in 10 years, and maybe I'll find something again, or maybe I won't. While I feel less fulfilled today in some aspects of my life, I don't feel fooled and I always feel like I'm in more control of my destiny and not leaving the most important parts of me in the hands of another person.

My story too, in a nutshell. Hollow, empty, lost identity... all there and what I would give to not have to share custody, being away from my children is awful, it's not a vacation, I am not happy, I just wait... wait for them to come home. I go through the chores that have to be done, but really, when they aren't there, the heartbeat to my house is missing. And knowing they are with their dad and his girlfriend (they live together) is painful. I also know that this is the reality I have to live in, I am not his wife, I am no longer his best friend, slowly I am figuring out who I am again, but it takes time. and like this poster says, until it happens to you you cannot believe it would ever happen. When you really love someone you don't stop loving them because they stopped loving you, but you do lose a part of your soul and heart and it truly feels like it will never grow back. A broken plate can be repaired but it will never be as strong as it was before it broke, same with a broken heart, at least in my opinion.

hbrittingham

Everything @Carly said is what I would have said before I found out that my ex-wife was cheating on me. 19 years together...13 years married, 3 great kids, two great jobs, one great house, 3 vacations a year, wonderful supportive families...and I thought we were on the same page, but it turns out that her page was cheating on me for the last year of our marriage with her boss (who was 20 years older, and married as well).

I know that my story is my story and not yours. My story is 7 years in the past, but it has kept me from moving into any sort of serious stage with any woman since then. I don't believe that I will ever trust a woman in a relationship again for the remainder of my life, and yes, that is upsetting to me. I loved being in love. I loved having someone to talk to in bed at the end of the day. I loved having intimate moments, and secrets, and jokes that only we knew the meaning of. I loved planning and thinking about the future and watching our wonderful children grow up and make mistakes and find successes. I loved being romantic. I loved having someone that would accept me when I cried and light up when I smiled.

But if there was ever a person on the planet that I trusted, it was her, and I feel stupid for what seems like a naive trust that I had and gave her. I trusted her to be honest and true to me and our family. She was a good person, the best I knew. And so, when the best person you know, the person who made you a better person, the person who you strived to be more like, the person that meant everything to you, violates you in that way, it tends to shatter you from the inside out. It tends to scream at you from inside your head that "IF THAT PERSON CAN'T BE TRUSTED, THEN NOBODY CAN!" And so, since then, each time I begin to trust a person, I back off because I'm reminded, in a powerful way, that my "trust" reality is a false sense of security and in order to avoid the fall and the pain, I need to avoid the relationship to begin with.

I'm disappointed that I've become a person who shakes his head and gently sighs/laughs/mocks the people who could stand up and say, "if you want it to work, you make it work", or "you have to work everyday at marriage, and if you do, then it works", or, "if you love each other enough, things will be great". I did. It didn't work. And again, I realize that I'm just one story and maybe I'm the exception and not the rule...and of course there probably is no rule. But there is human nature to consider. And I no longer believe that human nature dictates that it is normal or natural for two people to be true to one another for their entire adult lives.

I believe that it was easier 150 years ago when there weren't so many distractions in life, opportunities for finding new things, and the ease at which we can shift gears from one happiness to a brand new happiness; whether it's a new exercise class, a new cell phone, a new vacation spot, a new restaurant, new friends, a new job, or even a new lover.

For those of you that are still reading, and wondering if I gave her a second chance. Of course I did. If nothing else, we had children together. Even if I didn't want to fight for us, I wanted to fight for them. Within 5 minutes of her telling me about cheating, I forgave her opening and truthfully. I did not want this cloud cast over our children, and so I told her that I forgave her, asked her to talk to me, asked her to stop, asked her to go to counseling, asked her to talk with her friends, and asked her to consider how a divorce would impact her children (at the time they were 3, 7, and 11). She replied by handing me a book about co-parenting after divorce, told me that she had already seen a lawyer, and told me that she hadn't been in love with me for a long time. Tell me honestly, those of you happily married, if this happened to you, how would it impact the way you view marriage, relationships, and trust?

I'm a good person. I'm in tune with things around me. I am a great father. I run my own business. I have friends, I'm a good cook, I can build acoustic guitars, I can sing and write and be playful even at 43 years of age. I absorb current events regularly and stay connected with things and people in my community. My point is that I'm a regular man. I wasn't ignoring my wife while burying my head under the hood of a hot rod that would never be completely restored and rarely emerging from a constant semi-drunk-state-of-mind wasting my life in my recliner wondering if I'd get my turkey pot pie brought to me before halftime. That person might deserve my fate, but I didn't.

But I digress.

She appeased me for about 5 counseling sessions that I realize now were more for outward appearances than any true effort on her part. She was sure that she was in love with this new man and nothing was going to stop or change that.

Today she's married to him, and lives almost the exact life that we had together, but just a mile and a half away. She goes to work, she has the same handful of friends, few hobbies, same car, new furniture, same favorites spots, etc. But she comes home to a different man than I was/am. I don't know if you would think he's better or worse than I am, but he's different and I guess that's what she wanted. We raise our kids a week at a time. She gets them for a week, and then we switch, and so forth. I'm sure that they hate the planned transience that has been forced on them even though we have tried our best to create two comfortable and consistent homes.

As for me, I was deeply depressed for the first two years. Almost overnight, I lost my identity. I was a husband and father, and I would become single and a part-time father. I would, in an instant, lose 26 weeks each year of watching my kids laugh, and learn, and grow. Gone, just like that. I didn't have a purpose. In that life, everything I did was for my wife and children. In my new life, my "kid" weeks would be hectic (at first) and confusing and rushed trying to accomplish everything on my own. In my new life, on my "kid-less" weeks, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I would go from 100MPH to 0, week after week after week. My married men-friends would say, "Oh, what I'd give for a week to myself", not realizing just how ignorant that statement could be. Afterall, I wasn't on vacation.

Today, I'm father of the year in my kids eyes. I'm funny, caring, creative, supportive and most importantly, I'm present. After having a handful of failed relationships (likely due to my lack of trust) that took an enormous amount of time, energy and money, I have settled into the idea of staying single and being the best dad that I can be while my kids finish the short time they have living at home before going to college.

My youngest, my daughter, my princess, is 9 years old, and I know that she's happier when my attention is on her and her brothers, and nobody else. And I know that once she goes off to college, I'm going to be a mess, but that I spent my time doing what was important for them, rather than spending effort and energy on trying to replace something missing in my life. I'll have time for that in 10 years, and maybe I'll find something again, or maybe I won't. While I feel less fulfilled today in some aspects of my life, I don't feel fooled and I always feel like I'm in more control of my destiny and not leaving the most important parts of me in the hands of another person.

My story too, in a nutshell. Hollow, empty, lost identity... all there and what I would give to not have to share custody, being away from my children is awful, it's not a vacation, I am not happy, I just wait... wait for them to come home. I go through the chores that have to be done, but really, when they aren't there, the heartbeat to my house is missing. And knowing they are with their dad and his girlfriend (they live together) is painful. I also know that this is the reality I have to live in, I am not his wife, I am no longer his best friend, slowly I am figuring out who I am again, but it takes time. and like this poster says, until it happens to you you cannot believe it would ever happen. When you really love someone you don't stop loving them because they stopped loving you, but you do lose a part of your soul and heart and it truly feels like it will never grow back. A broken plate can be repaired but it will never be as strong as it was before it broke, same with a broken heart, at least in my opinion.

I am so sorry that both of you were hurt so badly. I can't imagine the pain you've felt.

fionarama

Its awful. For every Leaver there is the Leavee. No one wins. I'd love to hear the survey and see if all those Leaver's who hurt their wife/husband so badly are really, honestly any happier 10 years down the track.

Zdehni

YES

Calliope610

Its awful. For every Leaver there is the Leavee. No one wins. I'd love to hear the survey and see if all those Leaver's who hurt their wife/husband so badly are really, honestly any happier 10 years down the track.

I don't know about the Leaver, but this "Leavee" is much happier 10 years down the road. I have been married to the right guy now for almost 12 years.