Spinning my wheels

MACnificence

Is it unreasonable to think I could get on top of this myself ?

Yes.

You need help.

Oh god sidesteel you one of the people I feel like I'm letting down because Ive asked for your and Sarah's help before regarding intake and as Ive said I've done well for a day or 2 with your recommendations and then bam back into old patterns
It's funny I don't know you , but because I appreciate the way you approach things and go by common sense , I respect you and Sara Alot , I've been known to quote ye several times and sing yer praises

I really feel so embarassed for feeling like this ,
Ugh...

MityMax96

Gonna have to swallow your pride at some point....

Do it now while you are the one deciding it....vs. later when it is someone else that decides it for you....
or circumstances dictate it.

sassyjae21

This post made me so sad...Please go talk to someone. Don't be embarrassed. Therapists and doctors have seen and heard a lot more embarrassing stories. I know that for a fact :flowerforyou:

I don't want things to get worse for you. I've struggled in the past. I know how hard it is. You may not think it's serious, but it is. If your boyfriend loves you, he will be more concerned than anything and will not be disappointed in you. He'll want to help. Don't worry about what other people think. You are the most important thing and you need to take care of yourself

jstout365

I wouldn't feel comfortable telling anyone else , and now that I've been lying to my boyfriend I feel even worse because I tell him absolutely everything and never hold anything from him and if I tell him I've been lying for the last few weeks I don't know how he'll react ,

You have opened up and told a lot of other people. Sure, it is semi anonymous since you have no photo and don't give your real name, but you have still shared it with others. Seeing a trained professional who will be unbiased, confidential, and supportive will be very similar. The only thing is that you will have to most likely see them face to face. There are online help lines that can provide support over chat as well. That may be a good first step before meeting with a professional.

You have support in this. You seem strong and intelligent and seeking out help won't change those facts. Everyone has points in their lives when we have to ask for help. The best way for you to get stronger physically is to have a healthy mental outlook as well. I learned a lot from the therapist I had seen during a dark time. I credit that help for letting me be who I am now.

SLLRunner

I actually have no problem physically eating more food , its mentally the struggle lays
I still have the cut calories where I can mindset

Eating disorders are mental, not physical.

Again, please seek help.

This. 100%.

TavistockToad

Do it now while you are the one deciding it....vs. later when it is someone else that decides it for you....
or circumstances dictate it.

this is a very good point... plus you dont want to start doing lasting damage to yourself....

MACnificence

I don't think my boyfriend still quiet understands what I'm feeling he tells me I should put on a stone weight I would look better , pure casually
How am I supposed to wrap my head around gaining a stone when Im struggling to get calories to maintainance
The last time the doctor saw me she literally told me go home and eat 1800 calories at least and we would go from there , obviously that made me super uncomfortable jumping from 1500 to 1800 but when I said can I walk my calories up she kind of looked at me strange and said just eat 1800 you won't gain any weight

This is why sometimes it's easier to reach out to people on these forums because ye understand the whole walking calories up and also counting calories
My family would go insane if they knew I was counting calories they think now that I'm "thin" I should be eating like a normal person
Counting calories would be regarded over the top by them so its hard to talk to any of them about it

geebusuk

I have actually been accused of being anorexic because I count calories.
Anyone that's been at a buffet with me SHOULD know the truth .

You need to find a solution that works for YOU.

I suspect it would be better to get 'professional' advice.

However, if that's way beyond your comfort zone, my thoughts...
I would do some research into ways to approach it.
I'm sure there's plenty of information found with google; probably some hideously inappropriate, of course.
From that information, I would work out a plan and set yourself a target date by which point you will be "where you want to be" as far as eating goes. This should include being happy about eating more, as well as actually doing it.
If you haven't met your target date, you haven't failed; you've just shown that you need to try a slightly different method - most people don't manage to be 100% right first time. So now I'd suggest would be the time to approach a professional for help.

Finally; this sort of thing is often pretty 'hidden', but in reality is something that a large number of people face.
See all the fat people out there. They too NEED exactly the same kind of help for a very similar problem. It doesn't make you unusual or different - and going for help empowers you, rather than belittles you.

SideSteel

Is it unreasonable to think I could get on top of this myself ?

Yes.

You need help.

Oh god sidesteel you one of the people I feel like I'm letting down because Ive asked for your and Sarah's help before regarding intake and as Ive said I've done well for a day or 2 with your recommendations and then bam back into old patterns
It's funny I don't know you , but because I appreciate the way you approach things and go by common sense , I respect you and Sara Alot , I've been known to quote ye several times and sing yer praises

I really feel so embarassed for feeling like this ,
Ugh...

You didn't let me down. My feelings about this are irrelevant. You need to take care of yourself.

Mental health is of far greater importance than abs or biceps.

geebusuk

To add - there's quite a few ex-anorexics on here.
May well be some groups where you can discuss strategies that worked and so on.

MACnificence

Firstly I just want to thank all of ye for yer replies, there were definitely things I needed to hear

I suppose I have always had to be that strong person for the people around me in my life I didn't take the time to realise that I was falling apart at the sems instead I turned my focus on trying to be physically strong , not realising I needed to be mentally strong first

I have took yer advice on seeing a doctor , I'm nervous and scared but I realise I'm one of the fortunate ones that can turn this around not everyone gets chances on their health so I need to grab this with both hands

I still think she will try to push me up to a much higher intake almost immediately and I would much prefer to walk them up but I don't think she understands that concept so I'm going try my best to explain to her that I'd feel more comfortable doing it that way

Ultimately I would love to have someone coach me towards my goals ( fitness and food wise) because even though I realise its isn't the most important thing at the moment , I want it to play a role in my path to better health

Thank ye all so much for the wake up call , ye've possibility helped a girl from going down a very slippery slope :flowerforyou:

msf74

Read this:

http://evidencemag.com/body-image-disorder-warnings/

and then buy this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1592403352/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_z

It sounds more like BID to me.

The great news is that you can you will overcome this as you have caught it at a relatively early stage it seems.

Now go, kick *kitten*...

ETA: put the link for the wrong book in my post originally. Doh! Changed it to the right one now...

geebusuk

Do try and get your doctor to refer your to an eating disorder specialist.

Especially if you've otherwise got a fairly level head on you and are good at presenting a good image, the doctor may well say "eat more" not realising there are deeper issues. In the end, while people always say "go to a doctor" for any medical thing, your typical General Practitioner (what we call them in the UK) does have to have a very wide field of knowledge, but that also means they won't be expert in most of them.

aubyshortcake

I'm in a similar position as you, both appearance and goal wise. I'm 27, 5 3, and around 103. my weight sounds really light but I still have quite a bit of flab all over. I have noticed that unhealthy fear in myself as well, but in order to achieve what we want we really have to get past that. it's time to put on some muscle!! I literally just got a gym membership and I'm starting the strong curves program. if you ever want some support, feel free to send me a message and whenever you find that fear creeping up, just picture someone like Jessica Biel, you know she has to eat! Lol

MACnificence

Soooooooo that was disastrous

Just back from the doc , and my normal doctor I see is out for 2 weeks on holidays so I had to see another doctor , I was hesitant but I said right ill do this while I'm feeling like I can
To say it was a disaster is an understatement
He definitely didn't understand what I was trying to tell him and because I kept choking I found it increasingly hard to explain it to him
He basically told me cut down on exercise and make sure I eat enough so I don't lose more weight but to stay on a low fat diet , oh and best yet calorie counting is an unnatural thing to do and I should stop that
When I said but I want to track macros for strength training purposes , he said that's pointless and questioned why I wanted to strength train
By this stage I was just like we're on completely different spectrums here so I was polite and left so geebusuk you are right in what your saying

I think my normal GP would have understood alot better because she raised concern before when I didn't even know myself

TavistockToad

Soooooooo that was disastrous

Just back from the doc , and my normal doctor I see is out for 2 weeks on holidays so I had to see another doctor , I was hesitant but I said right ill do this while I'm feeling like I can
To say it was a disaster is an understatement
He definitely didn't understand what I was trying to tell him and because I kept choking I found it increasingly hard to explain it to him
He basically told me cut down on exercise and make sure I eat enough so I don't lose more weight but to stay on a low fat diet , oh and best yet calorie counting is an unnatural thing to do and I should stop that
When I said but I want to track macros for strength training purposes , he said that's pointless and questioned why I wanted to strength train
By this stage I was just like we're on completely different spectrums here so I was polite and left so geebusuk you are right in what your saying

I think my normal GP would have understood alot better because she raised concern before when I didn't even know myself

oh dear... boys are stupid (joke!) though he may have a point on the exercise... i forget what you said about how much you do, but maybe cut it down a bit while you get a handle on eating enough to sustain it all?

maybe work on a strategy for yourself while your regular doc is away, and then see her in a couple of weeks?

geebusuk

Oh dear - don't stress it and get an appointment with your normal GP when they're back. Well done for going anyway.
Very poor service there - especially in regards to strength training.

It's going to be hard, but you're going to have to make sure you stress the nature of the problem with your own GP..

For some it may help to even write down what you're going to say beforehand so you've got it thought out - though others that may just make it worse. Usually helps me.

In the end, an experienced GP will have seen much worse cases - people that have been hospitalised multiple times because their body is so lacking in nutrition.

Note that some people with EDs do find tracking causes more problems - but plenty of others manage to use it to their advantage to force themselves to have enough to fuel their bodies.
From friends/people I know who've had similar; it certainly helps to have spent some time proving they can do it.

Not sure if I've mentioned it on on this thread (have in SOME thread recently), but 28 days/ a month is a good time to establish a habit.
So it can be worth making a BIG effort to eat appropriately for 28 days, say. You no doubt know you CAN lose weight if need be, so you'll just have to fight it for a month.
Likely you'll find you're happy with keeping going before then.
If you're still not happy with it after 4 weeks, then look to change strategies.

Me, I find I have quite an addiction to cheese. Definitely for the first week of going from eating 'bad' to dieting, cheese is the one thing I really find myself craving - but after a week or so I'm generally fine. Other habits can take longer to change.

MACnificence

So where do ye think my maintainance calories may be ?

Ill give ye some info

Recorded weight since jan 15

15/1 103.4
19/1 102.6
21/1 102.4
23/1 102.2
26/1 101.6
30/1 101.4
31/1 101.2
1/feb 100.8

Oh today is 102.2 ( water I'd say due to increasing weight in lifts this week because my muscles are still sore )


Average calories over this time 1,411


So I'm going to start walking them up , where would be a good place to start ?
50-100 calories ?!

MACnificence

Oh dear - don't stress it and get an appointment with your normal GP when they're back. Well done for going anyway.
Very poor service there - especially in regards to strength training.

It's going to be hard, but you're going to have to make sure you stress the nature of the problem with your own GP..

For some it may help to even write down what you're going to say beforehand so you've got it thought out - though others that may just make it worse. Usually helps me.

In the end, an experienced GP will have seen much worse cases - people that have been hospitalised multiple times because their body is so lacking in nutrition.

Note that some people with EDs do find tracking causes more problems - but plenty of others manage to use it to their advantage to force themselves to have enough to fuel their bodies.
From friends/people I know who've had similar; it certainly helps to have spent some time proving they can do it.

Not sure if I've mentioned it on on this thread (have in SOME thread recently), but 28 days/ a month is a good time to establish a habit.
So it can be worth making a BIG effort to eat appropriately for 28 days, say. You no doubt know you CAN lose weight if need be, so you'll just have to fight it for a month.
Likely you'll find you're happy with keeping going before then.
If you're still not happy with it after 4 weeks, then look to change strategies.

Me, I find I have quite an addiction to cheese. Definitely for the first week of going from eating 'bad' to dieting, cheese is the one thing I really find myself craving - but after a week or so I'm generally fine. Other habits can take longer to change.

I'm actually still laughing at his face when I was talking about strength training
WOMEN DON'T STRENGTH TRAIN , haha !
Ya I'm not letting it get the better of me , just a little hiccup in the road
I actually prefer counting calories I think if I was to stop I'd undereat because I'd definitely stay on the cautious side and would prob be afraid to eat this or that so I think ill keep counting anyway

Good tip about writing it down its hard to express how you feel when your choking on your words trying to hold back tears
I don't think ill really have to explain myself as much to my normal doctor though because I think she must have seen some warning signs already considering she was urging me not to lose any more weight

TavistockToad

So where do ye think my maintainance calories may be ?

Ill give ye some info

Recorded weight since jan 15

15/1 103.4
19/1 102.6
21/1 102.4
23/1 102.2
26/1 101.6
30/1 101.4
31/1 101.2
1/feb 100.8

Oh today is 102.2 ( water I'd say due to increasing weight in lifts this week because my muscles are still sore )


Average calories over this time 1,411


So I'm going to start walking them up , where would be a good place to start ?
50-100 calories ?!

average gross or net cals? you're losing about a pound a week so maintenance should be around 1900.

if you are having issue with eating more in general then i would do it really slowly, add 50 for 3 weeks, then another 50 etc

I had a quick look in your diary and you are very low on fat the couple of days i looked at. maybe try swapping your chicken for beef or salmon, swap the low fat stuff for full fat, that way you're not eating more food, its just more calorie dense.