Spinning my wheels

MACnificence

MACnificence,

I'm glad to see you are actually considering getting help. It's very important that you follow through with seeking professional help for your health.

If you diary is accurate, I doubt you ARE eating at maintenance, and you seem to have plenty of calories left over at the end of the day. Your weight is very low.

I'm working on getting my calories up at the moment , I was averaging just over 1400 over the last 2 weeks so this week I want to average at 1500

MACnificence

I'm definitely not ruling out getting professional help this time
I didn't realise part of my problem was pride , I was too proud to admit to myself or anyone else that I was struggling because I thought to myself I'm not normally the person who struggles
It took me a take a reality check to realise ya I'm struggling that doesn't make me a different person I can't always be the person who holds everything together
Ya I'm struggling mentally , that's now part of my journey , my journey that I'm on and will come out of a better person

Hiding and denying the problem was the weak part of me , it's easy to run from your problems it takes courage to face them and I'm determined that I'm facing this demon head on ,
I have not came this far in this journey to buckle now and give in
I will conquer this demon once and for all whether it takes a day, week, month or months
I'm not giving up , I owe that much to myself

MACnificence

I'm definitely not ruling out getting professional help this time
I didn't realise part of my problem was pride , I was too proud to admit to myself or anyone else that I was struggling because I thought to myself I'm not normally the person who struggles
It took me a take a reality check to realise ya I'm struggling that doesn't make me a different person I can't always be the person who holds everything together
Ya I'm struggling mentally , that's now part of my journey , my journey that I'm on and will come out of a better person

Hiding and denying the problem was the weak part of me , it's easy to run from your problems it takes courage to face them and I'm determined that I'm facing this demon head on ,
I have not came this far in this journey to buckle now and give in
I will conquer this demon once and for all whether it takes a day, week, month or months
I'm not giving up , I owe that much to myself

Dsanders460

Maybe someone already brought this up, because I did skim thru some of the last posts, but to help you determine fat gain vs muscle gain, have you considered buying on of the fancier scales that calculate BMI, body fat, & water ? I am sure that they are not 100% accurate by any stretch, but it would give you an idea at least of where that 2 lbs is coming from. If your BMI and or fat levels are within the range you are looking for then you should be able to relax a little more, knowing that 2 lbs is either water retention, which you said doesn't freak you out so much, or even better muscle!

geebusuk

They are considered to be VERY inaccurate generally. The problem then being that they can suddenly show you having a good chunk more fat than you did the day before.
My scales do offer this (these ones were only a tenner, I had more expensive ones in the past), but I don't bother to use them these days. Haven't for ages, but may at some point when I'm around about at my current goal to see what they say.

MACnificence

Hey guys

Back for an update and possibly some talking down again as I'm struggling a small bit today again

I have been doing better calorie wise not quiet at 1500 last week I was disappointed actually came in average of just over 1400 but we had a electricity cut for a few days and it made it impossible to eat normally so wasn't intentional

But I'm still struggling to actually hit 1500 this week even though I have been over 1450 every day , I still can't find it within myself to hit 1500 calories I always seem to like to be abit below it

My weight is still up from what it was when it was it lowest 2 weeks ago I was 100.8 and today I'm in at 101.4
And because I should be still losing it plays a mind.game with me that my weight is still up

Still have a massive fear of overshooting maintainance

Graelwyn75

I really do think you need to seek help for this as you have had pages of advice, and in the end, there is only so much advice people here can give. There is little we can do if you are unable to bring yourself to follow it for your own sake.

MACnificence

I have an appointment booked with my GP , so ya I am seeking professional help I know what has to be done
I'm just here to look for support really because I've met some quiet understanding people on this forum and sometimes a few words from them can transform my day and give me some strength again

I suppose I post here so I don't feel alone , I have admitted to struggling and some days are better than others and today just happens to be bad but I will too get past this

tegalicious

I am so glad you have made a doctors appointment. Don't worry about your weight going up when you start to eat more. That is normal and is caused by the extra food weight and some glycogen and water storage. You have to actually get to your estimated calorie goal and then wait a month before you see whether or not it is too many calories. Finding your maintenance calories can be a long drawn out process because of glycogen and water storage throwing off your actual weight. So get thee to the doctor, try very very hard to actually eat at your estimated calorie goal for maintenance and then be prepared to exercise your patience muscle for at least a month . *hugs*

Graelwyn75

Well, glad you have made an appointment and hope that works out well, as believe me, I have lost decades of life to this sort of issue and you could one day look back and experience the grief of so many lost years. Best to nip it in the bud now so you can go forward with your life.

amyg39

Stop trying to fix this yourself, it TRULY sounds as if you need to see someone or talk to someone or be accountable to someone for not eating enough. You are way too skinny and, if you want to gain muscle…you will HAVE to gain some weight back. Just out of curiosity…how much did you actually weigh at the beginning of this journey…given your fear…it seems like you weighed a lot. I would say that (based upon that guess) that it would take an awful lot of excessive calories to get anywhere near where I bet you started. Maybe it would help you to figure out how many excessive calories it would take you to gain back (to a "bad" weight ) and divide it by a specific number of days so that you can see you have a REALLY long way to go to being too overweight again.

msf74

I have an appointment booked with my GP , so ya I am seeking professional help I know what has to be done
I'm just here to look for support really because I've met some quiet understanding people on this forum and sometimes a few words from them can transform my day and give me some strength again

I suppose I post here so I don't feel alone , I have admitted to struggling and some days are better than others and today just happens to be bad but I will too get past this

Well done for setting up an appointment - that is a great step and it can take a lot of courage just to get to a place where you can do just that.

You're not alone in what you are going through and you certainly don't need to suffer in silence. I think it's important to remember that you don't need to be perfect, just consistent. If your good days outweigh your bad days then you are ahead of the game.

We're human - perfect in our imperfections.

MACnificence

Well, glad you have made an appointment and hope that works out well, as believe me, I have lost decades of life to this sort of issue and you could one day look back and experience the grief of so many lost years. Best to nip it in the bud now so you can go forward with your life.

thank you! i appreciate your input , i was afraid of facing the reality but I am afraid of these bad days getting the better of me again

MACnificence

Stop trying to fix this yourself, it TRULY sounds as if you need to see someone or talk to someone or be accountable to someone for not eating enough. You are way too skinny and, if you want to gain muscle…you will HAVE to gain some weight back. Just out of curiosity…how much did you actually weigh at the beginning of this journey…given your fear…it seems like you weighed a lot. I would say that (based upon that guess) that it would take an awful lot of excessive calories to get anywhere near where I bet you started. Maybe it would help you to figure out how many excessive calories it would take you to gain back (to a "bad" weight ) and divide it by a specific number of days so that you can see you have a REALLY long way to go to being too overweight again.

I know i wont become that person over night but still dont see myself as skinny ! i was 196Ibs so ya ALOT..
but i think my biggest problem is i dont see the skinny girl yet .. i know im not fat because im fitting into kids clothes but find it hard to call myself skinny - i actually hate that word I dont even want to be referred to as skinny

MACnificence

I have an appointment booked with my GP , so ya I am seeking professional help I know what has to be done
I'm just here to look for support really because I've met some quiet understanding people on this forum and sometimes a few words from them can transform my day and give me some strength again

I suppose I post here so I don't feel alone , I have admitted to struggling and some days are better than others and today just happens to be bad but I will too get past this

Well done for setting up an appointment - that is a great step and it can take a lot of courage just to get to a place where you can do just that.

You're not alone in what you are going through and you certainly don't need to suffer in silence. I think it's important to remember that you don't need to be perfect, just consistent. If your good days outweigh your bad days then you are ahead of the game.

We're human - perfect in our imperfections.

Booking the appointment was hard but i get a lump in my throat even thinking about telling her my problem
well i think ive made small progress all the same because i have every intention of actually taking my calories up over 1500 next week, first time ive actually been determined to get them over 1500 before id say it to myself but i never really believed it myself

AliceDark

Booking the appointment was hard but i get a lump in my throat even thinking about telling her my problem
well i think ive made small progress all the same because i have every intention of actually taking my calories up over 1500 next week, first time ive actually been determined to get them over 1500 before id say it to myself but i never really believed it myself

Well done booking the appointment! This may sound dumb, but write it down beforehand in very plain language, then have that with you at the appointment in case you can't say it. It can be really tempting to try to soften the issue when you're talking about it, so it goes from "I'm very afraid of gaining weight, to the point that I'm not eating enough and I'm concerned about my health" to "I sometimes feel like I'm not always eating quite enough calories everyday," and then the doctor doesn't get the full scope of the problem. If it comes down to it, you can hand her the piece of paper and let her read it. She'll understand.