being undermined

Amandawith3kids

so, due to illness, and not wanting/feeling up to cooking, i am just slightly over my calories today. not a big deal here and there, given the circumstances, right?

so what does my mom do? stick ice cream in my face. thanks mom. oh yeah, she bought 2 boxes of mini doughnuts, and we still have chips in the house from my son's birthday party.

and SHE'S the diabetic.



how do you all handle people actively undermining you? very frustrated with her. my hubby is very supportive and encouraging, but he's not partially in charge of shopping and meals, there is only so much he can do, esp when he's at work and i'm here with her.

AJ_G

Just because she brought ice cream or doughnuts doesn't mean you're forced to eat them. She's not shoving them into your mouth. Just politely decline and move on with your day.

brianpperkins

At age 33 you should be able to decide for yourself what foods go into your body.

Amandawith3kids

oh i told her no, but when she was diagnosed with diabetes and she threw away all her crap food and started eating better, i supported her. went out of my way to make a diabetic friendly birthday cake for her, since she was diagnosed right before her birthday. i just expected her to offer the same support that i showed her. i STILL encourage her to make healthy choices (which shes not doing mind you)

firelight4321

I live in my mother-in-law's house. She is also a diabetic... and struggling HARD with it. Still buying crappy food like chocolate and cakes and cookies. She still eats lots of carbs. Last night she made cordon bleu with pasta & sauce. She had plated everything for everyone to make it "fancy". I just quietly took my plate away to portion out the pasta I could eat. After measuring, it looked like she had put 3 servings of pasta down on each plate... nearly 600 calories worth of spaghetti alone. I pared it down to 200, and counted everything else (chicken, marinara sauce, and steamed vegetable side). She probably ate a 1000+ calorie dinner. I had around 600 total. And, I still had room in my budget for the cake she baked for dessert. One small piece with icing for around 250 calories.

My point is, you can eat the things that you are offered. But you get to chose how much, or if you eat it at all. If you feel like it will be rude to decline altogether (as it would be in my case), just serve yourself a smaller portion.


Edit: I'd also like to note that some diabetic people like to "live through others" in a sense. Right after my mother-in-law was diagnosed, she tried to cut out her sugars. During that 1-2 week period, she baked cakes & cookies every day and fed them to everyone else in the house and would watch us eat them.

Mr_Knight

how do you all handle people actively undermining you?

You're sick, the person who brought you into this world brings you comfort food, and you accuse her of "undermining" you?

Get a grip.

And really, you might want to think twice about demeaning your own mother on a public forum.

19TaraLynn84

Is there really a mother who doesn't still offer her adult children food? It doesn't mean you have to eat it. I don't think "undermining" is the word for what is going on here.

michellekicks

Just because she brought ice cream or doughnuts doesn't mean you're forced to eat them. She's not shoving them into your mouth. Just politely decline and move on with your day.

This.

At age 33 you should be able to decide for yourself what foods go into your body.

And this.

Undermining you? Wut?

Chezzie84

how do you all handle people actively undermining you?

You're sick, the person who brought you into this world brings you comfort food, and you accuse her of "undermining" you?

Get a grip.

And really, you might want to think twice about demeaning your own mother on a public forum.

That's a bit harsh. Get down from your high horse and join the rest of us down here.
Here is a thought.... Don't comment on posts if you don't like the content.

Anyway... I have the same problem with my nan except the cakes, crisps and sweets are usually backed up with negative comments about my past failures along the lines of it wont matter if I eat stuff now because I always fall off the wagon eventually.
I just leave it where she puts it and don't eat it.

poedunk65

You need to take control of yourself. Tell her EXACTLY what she can do and not do.

Kind of a nice way to say grow up.

SugaryLynx

Wow.... you can send them my way, OP. I have no issue fitting those things into my day and being grateful for them.

NotorDJP

My Dad is a "food pusher" too, even when he asks me if I've gained weight 5 mins before. You just have to say no. I know its hard if you have no will power, but you have to.

To the others that seem so sure of themselves, I'm glad you have have it all together and have no weaknesses. Wish I was you.

michellekicks

You have to look at this a different way. You're an adult with 3 kids and when you're not feeling well your mom is taking care of you?! What a huge blessing!! No one takes care of me when I'm sick unless I'm on death's door. I'm not entirely sure whether you're at your mom's house or she is at yours, but regardless, she's doing you a huge favour.

No one is undermining you. No one is doing anything TO you. Her only thoughts are probably that she wants to give you something yummy to eat. Like most people, she may be assuming you relax your diet rules when you're unwell.

No one will change a single thing they do because you want to lose some weight. Just because you put in place new rules for yourself, doesn't mean anyone else has to do anything differently at any time... in fact, since your weight loss goals are yours alone, so they probably won't even make changes if you ask. And I don't believe it's their responsibility to do so.

So if you want to change things and no one else around you does anything differently, you need to figure out how to exist within those parameters and achieve what you've set out to do. It may not be particularly encouraging, but no one anywhere wants to really "support" anyone's weight loss efforts by putting in their own. They want to keep living their lives how they always have.

You want the change; you make it happen. When someone else is caring for you, just be gracious, say "thank you" and have a smaller portion. Or say, "No, thank you." You always get the choice, though.

AllonsYtotheTardis

You simply don't eat it.

You're old enough to stop blaming things on your mother.

Velum_cado

That doesn't sound like "undermining". It just sounds to me like she makes unhealthy choices for herself and genuinely doesn't see what she's doing as being harmful to herself, so how can she possibly understand the effect it has on *you*?

Model healthy behaviour. Make good choices and stick to them, even in the face of ice cream and mini doughnuts. She might catch on. Or not. But either way, you are responsible for yourself, and accountable to yourself. Her choices are hers.

cwolfman13

If I don't want something I politely decline...something like, "no thanks" usually works just fine.

You're on a diet...other people are not...that's not "undermining" you. You'll have to get used to it if you really want to live a lifestyle that is fitness and nutrition centric...most people don't live that lifestyle, so you really have to know how to be your own person and do your own thing and not worry about what other people are doing or thinking.

MysteriousMerlin

In the end, you still get to decide what you eat and what you don't. Temptation is always going to be around, it's up to you to either fit it into your goals, or avoid it.

Personally I fit some of it into my goals. Avoiding it for too long makes me a sad panda.

ebayaddict0127

She's your mom. Be point blank honest. No donuts or ice cream in this house. Thanks!

Also - you choose to eat that stuff. Just choose not to. It's hard when it's in your face, but you can say no. I've done it 1,000 times already.

MyPureSteez

I use to get mad about the sabotage too. But then I had to become bigger than the situation. I still got 3 cases of coke (given to me by a freneny) in my garage sitting in my garage and every time I walk past them I see them as my little trophies.

LadyRush

Sorry to hear that you haven't been feeling well...that is a challenge. I am sure your mom meant well but I understand your feelings. Just say no thank you. Find something safe to eat or drink and then move on. While others can help you on your journey, you have to be determined. I understand that you can feel challenged and embattled, especially when you have to explain yourself. Just be kind, say no thank you and move on. Otherwise you'll spend a lot of time frustrated Trust me....I've been there!

MyOwnSunshine

Politely say, "No thank you."

That was an easy question. Next!

michellekicks

She's your mom. Be point blank honest. No donuts or ice cream in this house. Thanks!

That's not good advice IMO. No kid of mine will tell me what I can and can't stock in my house. You don't want it? Don't eat it. I have 7 people in my house and we have a huge variety of foods here. Furthermore, if I went to my daughter's house to care for her and help her with her 3 kids while she is sick and she rudely told me what I can and cannot bring, I'd tell her to grow up, quit being a brat and take care of herself.

Just_Bella

You can not control the actions of others. You are a grown woman, nobody is going to make accommodations for you. I have ice cream, chips, pastries, cookies, all that good stuff in my house and I choose not to eat it, or if I do choose to I make sure it fits within my goals. You need to make a conscious effort regardless of what is around you. If it was easy the whole world would be fit.

Llamapants86

She's your mom. Be point blank honest. No donuts or ice cream in this house. Thanks!

That's not good advice IMO. No kid of mine will tell me what I can and can't stock in my house. You don't want it? Don't eat it. I have 7 people in my house and we have a huge variety of foods here. Furthermore, if I went to my daughter's house to care for her and help her with her 3 kids while she is sick and she rudely told me what I can and cannot bring, I'd tell her to grow up, quit being a brat and take care of herself.

This^^ She isn't undermining you, she's treating you like the child you are acting like. You choose what goes in your mouth, no one else. Take responsibility for your actions; including the fork to mouth action.

brianpperkins

She's your mom. Be point blank honest. No donuts or ice cream in this house. Thanks!

That's not good advice IMO. No kid of mine will tell me what I can and can't stock in my house. You don't want it? Don't eat it. I have 7 people in my house and we have a huge variety of foods here. Furthermore, if I went to my daughter's house to care for her and help her with her 3 kids while she is sick and she rudely told me what I can and cannot bring, I'd tell her to grow up, quit being a brat and take care of herself.

If you go to her house, you live by her house rules ... pretty simple.

MB_Positif

This is not undermining. You are an adult. Don't eat it.

DustyMarie506

That doesn't sound like "undermining". It just sounds to me like she makes unhealthy choices for herself and genuinely doesn't see what she's doing as being harmful to herself, so how can she possibly understand the effect it has on *you*?

Model healthy behaviour. Make good choices and stick to them, even in the face of ice cream and mini doughnuts. She might catch on. Or not. But either way, you are responsible for yourself, and accountable to yourself. Her choices are hers.

I agree with this 100 percent. I am currently in a temporary living situation with my parents, both of whom have a variety of medical conditions (diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, etc.). Their health is not a priority to them. The diet choices that they make are adding to the issues which they already have.

Because of their Southern upbringing, many of the meals my parents make are high in calories, sodium, sugar, and fat. If I am being honest, sometimes they do make me feel guilty for turning down the food they prepare. However, I know that I am an adult, and regardless of my living situation, I have to make the choices that are important for my health. I always assure them that I appreciate the offer, but they know that I am going to make the decisions that are best for me.

As for your mom, it appears that she is bringing you food which she believes will comfort you. She is more than likely not thinking of the "healthiness" of her choices. Like others have said, in the end, the choice is yours.

craftywitch_63

My Dad is a "food pusher" too, even when he asks me if I've gained weight 5 mins before. You just have to say no. I know its hard if you have no will power, but you have to.

To the others that seem so sure of themselves, I'm glad you have have it all together and have no weaknesses. Wish I was you.

I've never heard the term "food pusher" before but I love it. I spent 20 years married to a closet food pusher. He would tell me how "heavy" I was becoming, then go out and buy gallons of my favorite ice cream and eat it in front of me. It's taken me 11 years to recover from the ED that I allowed him to refine in me. Now when someone tells me "a little [trigger food] won't hurt" I'll mentally label them a food pusher, smile, say no AGAIN and walk away. At least, that's my plan! :drinker:

knra_grl

Mothers feed their kids - especially when they are sick - but whether you eat something or not is up to you - turn down the sweets - if you tell her you would love some homemade chicken soup I bet she would make it

SimplyMicheleR

We went to the Zoo on a hot day, and treated ourselves to Gelato from a stand there. At first the servings looked SO tiny (maybe 1/2 cup), but they gave us mini spoons to eat them with - smaller surface than an Iced Tea spoon. I could barely finish mine, and my 6'4" 330 lb husband and monster child also thought it was a lot by the time they were done. Lesson learned!

Since then even when my son's friends come over I give them ice cream in a fancy Sunday tall glass, with an iced tea spoon - they have the same reaction - looking like "that's all!?" but when I ask them after they are done if they want more, they always tell me they've had enough.

Portion yourself. eat off small plates and use small utensils, and you can "cheat" and still feel satisfied.

JoanneC1216

so, due to illness, and not wanting/feeling up to cooking, i am just slightly over my calories today. not a big deal here and there, given the circumstances, right?

so what does my mom do? stick ice cream in my face. thanks mom. oh yeah, she bought 2 boxes of mini doughnuts, and we still have chips in the house from my son's birthday party.

and SHE'S the diabetic.

Apparently, your mom doesn't want to cook either ;-)

I don't think she's undermining you. She's a mom. Mom's will be moms. My mother was a diabetic and lived on pasta and bread. Couldn't get her to change her diet for nothing.

All her delicious Italian dishes were drenched in olive oil. Did I eat it? Sure, sometimes. Of course I was thin back then. When I wanted to watch what I was eating, she would be so distraught that I wasn't eating her pasta. God I would give anything for her to be alive right now to give me a hard time. :-)