being undermined
Replies
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Mothers feed their kids - especially when they are sick - but whether you eat something or not is up to you - turn down the sweets - if you tell her you would love some homemade chicken soup I bet she would make it
yeah, she would. shes a good person really, and she wasnt offering it to be mean, she was getting one for herself (it was a klondike bar) and asked me and my hubby what flavor we wanted. i just said no thank you, and she didnt try to force it on me.
it's REALLY hard to see her making poor choices when i know how much better she used to eat. she lost 50lbs when she was diagnosed with diabetes a few years ago. her a1c is as good as my non-diabetic self, at right around a 5.5 (7.0 makes a diagnoses of diabetes fyi) and then to add another layer i know i;m the one thats going to take care of her when shes really old and can no longer take care of herself. which, really is fine, and how it's supposed to be, but it sucks knowing i'm going to lose her early when i dont have to. it's also REALLY hard to make her eat better when her a1c IS so good, she seems to think that as long as that number is ok, everything else is moot, but then beats herself up when she goes to the dr and shes gained weight. so she buckles down again to lose the 5 pounds or whatever, and then never makes any real progress.
i never asked her to change her diet or told her she HAD to. i did offer to do it together with her, but she refused. i'll be sitting there with an egg and something or other healthy for breakfast, and shes eating two slices of breakfast cake.0 -
Apparently, your mom doesn't want to cook either ;-)
nope. she got my cold. so far the only one who HASNT gotten is it, is my 2 year old. (knock on wood)0 -
The biggest problem with forums is their is no professional counselor to moderate people.
Of course she feels underminded. I'd bet $1,000 she has told her mom her goals and what she is avoiding eating. While all of you have valid points about "growing up" and "being appreciative" none of you look at the psychological issues OP is going through.
Many people do not have an eating disorders, but everyone has peculiarities that can even be seen as disordered eating (there is a huge difference between and eating disorder and disordered eating).
I know where you're coming from OP. I have a friend that constantly tells me what to eat in her fridge when I stop by her house (she's much older than me, I'm 28 and she's 65ish) She maintains that dieting doesn't work and yet says things about people she percieves as heavy like "put down the fork fatty!" I am clearly overweight, but she has apparently decided I'm not. And she does undermine me, much as your mother is. But it's not because they are being terrible people. It's how they were taught to show love and care for people.
You love your mom, I love my friend. I don't want to hurt her feelings but not eating the food she makes. But I also have come to a realization that I have to take care of ME. So sometimes I lie. Sometimes I take the food she is pushing on me and give it to someone else that wants or needs it. Sometimes I throw it away. If I told her "no" she would DEFINITLY be hurt. Sometimes I tell her I already ate or I'm just not hungry (these are often met with shows of unhappiness and sighing or saying " SOOOOOO????? EAT!!!" So between her show of unhappiness with my needs and choices, and already over-taxed willpower, YES it does FEEL like being undermined.
But sometimes just reminding yourself you have the choice takes away the power that food or person may have over you. 0 -
thank you.0
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i always have to tell my mum no thank u. no thank you until she gives in. some days i will give in0
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This^^ She isn't undermining you, she's treating you like the child you are acting like. You choose what goes in your mouth, no one else. Take responsibility for your actions; including the fork to mouth action.She's your mom. Be point blank honest. No donuts or ice cream in this house. Thanks!
That's not good advice IMO. No kid of mine will tell me what I can and can't stock in my house. You don't want it? Don't eat it. I have 7 people in my house and we have a huge variety of foods here. Furthermore, if I went to my daughter's house to care for her and help her with her 3 kids while she is sick and she rudely told me what I can and cannot bring, I'd tell her to grow up, quit being a brat and take care of herself.
bit over the top response
i guess it would stop the obesity rate though0 -
So, she's holding a gun to your head and forcing you to eat junk food? Think you should call the police first.
Is this about food or control issues with your mom?
Do you live with mom?0 -
The biggest problem with forums is their is no professional counselor to moderate people.
Of course she feels underminded. I'd bet $1,000 she has told her mom her goals and what she is avoiding eating. While all of you have valid points about "growing up" and "being appreciative" none of you look at the psychological issues OP is going through.
Many people do not have an eating disorders, but everyone has peculiarities that can even be seen as disordered eating (there is a huge difference between and eating disorder and disordered eating).
I know where you're coming from OP. I have a friend that constantly tells me what to eat in her fridge when I stop by her house (she's much older than me, I'm 28 and she's 65ish) She maintains that dieting doesn't work and yet says things about people she percieves as heavy like "put down the fork fatty!" I am clearly overweight, but she has apparently decided I'm not. And she does undermine me, much as your mother is. But it's not because they are being terrible people. It's how they were taught to show love and care for people.
You love your mom, I love my friend. I don't want to hurt her feelings but not eating the food she makes. But I also have come to a realization that I have to take care of ME. So sometimes I lie. Sometimes I take the food she is pushing on me and give it to someone else that wants or needs it. Sometimes I throw it away. If I told her "no" she would DEFINITLY be hurt. Sometimes I tell her I already ate or I'm just not hungry (these are often met with shows of unhappiness and sighing or saying " SOOOOOO????? EAT!!!" So between her show of unhappiness with my needs and choices, and already over-taxed willpower, YES it does FEEL like being undermined.
But sometimes just reminding yourself you have the choice takes away the power that food or person may have over you.
Feeling undermined and being undermined are not necessarily the same thing.0 -
We went to the Zoo on a hot day, and treated ourselves to Gelato from a stand there. At first the servings looked SO tiny (maybe 1/2 cup), but they gave us mini spoons to eat them with - smaller surface than an Iced Tea spoon. I could barely finish mine, and my 6'4" 330 lb husband and monster child also thought it was a lot by the time they were done. Lesson learned!
Since then even when my son's friends come over I give them ice cream in a fancy Sunday tall glass, with an iced tea spoon - they have the same reaction - looking like "that's all!?" but when I ask them after they are done if they want more, they always tell me they've had enough.
Portion yourself. eat off small plates and use small utensils, and you can "cheat" and still feel satisfied.
I've experienced the same thing myself with gelato and those tiny spoons. It's so true!0 -
I guess this thread didn't go as expected OP.
Seriously though, just be grateful you have a mum who cares about you.
I would give anything for my mum to be on this earth again, to spoil and comfort me like she did if I needed it or not, cakes n all!!0 -
The biggest problem with forums is their is no professional counselor to moderate people.
Of course she feels underminded. I'd bet $1,000 she has told her mom her goals and what she is avoiding eating. While all of you have valid points about "growing up" and "being appreciative" none of you look at the psychological issues OP is going through.
Many people do not have an eating disorders, but everyone has peculiarities that can even be seen as disordered eating (there is a huge difference between and eating disorder and disordered eating).
I know where you're coming from OP. I have a friend that constantly tells me what to eat in her fridge when I stop by her house (she's much older than me, I'm 28 and she's 65ish) She maintains that dieting doesn't work and yet says things about people she percieves as heavy like "put down the fork fatty!" I am clearly overweight, but she has apparently decided I'm not. And she does undermine me, much as your mother is. But it's not because they are being terrible people. It's how they were taught to show love and care for people.
You love your mom, I love my friend. I don't want to hurt her feelings but not eating the food she makes. But I also have come to a realization that I have to take care of ME. So sometimes I lie. Sometimes I take the food she is pushing on me and give it to someone else that wants or needs it. Sometimes I throw it away. If I told her "no" she would DEFINITLY be hurt. Sometimes I tell her I already ate or I'm just not hungry (these are often met with shows of unhappiness and sighing or saying " SOOOOOO????? EAT!!!" So between her show of unhappiness with my needs and choices, and already over-taxed willpower, YES it does FEEL like being undermined.
But sometimes just reminding yourself you have the choice takes away the power that food or person may have over you.
Feeling undermined and being undermined are not necessarily the same thing.
And people don't always mean what they say. A good communicator and a good listener, and an avid reader (when it comes to the interwebz) can usually pick out what someone means from what they say.0 -
There are always going to be temptations. It's a part of life. The only way your healthy lifestyle is going to be forever is for it to be realistic and work in the real world. If you are "dieting", which is temporary, you will likely gain it back when you go back to your former way of eating.
That being said, the only thing you are really in control of is what you put in your mouth and what activity you do. We can't control all of the food that is brought into our homes and workplaces, much less when you are out somewhere else. We can control what we choose to put into our bodies. And if it goes into your body, you are the one to either reap the benefit or face the consequences on the scale. We have to take responsibility for it and we also get to take credit for it if our choices are good.0 -
Many people on here will tell you how you can't blame her blah blah blah... But as someone who struggles with will power around food, and who has all my life, I know what you mean. The people I live with keep offering me foods that are not good for my weight loss journey, they have never struggled with their weight. Yes, your mum is not being supportive. But the truth is, it's your life, and your journey alone, make the commitment to do it with or without support.0
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I buy this stuff all the time, and I'm the one calorie counting lol. Our house is full of chips, candy, chocolate, cookies, etc and I buy it bc I enjoy a bowl of chips once i a while and so does my family. Self control is the key to not going back to were you where or were you don't want to be,0
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how do you all handle people actively undermining you?
You're sick, the person who brought you into this world brings you comfort food, and you accuse her of "undermining" you?
Get a grip.
And really, you might want to think twice about demeaning your own mother on a public forum.
You might want to think twice if you think ice cream and doughnuts are comfort food, sick or not.
For the OP, just politely ask her not to offer those items.0 -
I buy this stuff all the time, and I'm the one calorie counting lol. Our house is full of chips, candy, chocolate, cookies, etc and I buy it bc I enjoy a bowl of chips once i a while and so does my family. Self control is the key to not going back to were you where or were you don't want to be,
[/quote
i like this. this is the part of the journey i am working to fix this year0 -
Mothers feed their kids - especially when they are sick - but whether you eat something or not is up to you - turn down the sweets - if you tell her you would love some homemade chicken soup I bet she would make it
yeah, she would. shes a good person really, and she wasnt offering it to be mean, she was getting one for herself (it was a klondike bar) and asked me and my hubby what flavor we wanted. i just said no thank you, and she didnt try to force it on me.
it's REALLY hard to see her making poor choices when i know how much better she used to eat. she lost 50lbs when she was diagnosed with diabetes a few years ago. her a1c is as good as my non-diabetic self, at right around a 5.5 (7.0 makes a diagnoses of diabetes fyi) and then to add another layer i know i;m the one thats going to take care of her when shes really old and can no longer take care of herself. which, really is fine, and how it's supposed to be, but it sucks knowing i'm going to lose her early when i dont have to. it's also REALLY hard to make her eat better when her a1c IS so good, she seems to think that as long as that number is ok, everything else is moot, but then beats herself up when she goes to the dr and shes gained weight. so she buckles down again to lose the 5 pounds or whatever, and then never makes any real progress.
i never asked her to change her diet or told her she HAD to. i did offer to do it together with her, but she refused. i'll be sitting there with an egg and something or other healthy for breakfast, and shes eating two slices of breakfast cake.
I can totally relate OP - my mother was diabetic and had heart problems (we lost her young at age 52 - I miss her) and honeslty our parents were brought up on meat and potato diets it's hard to change life long habits. She was also an awesome cook and baked all the time (we had dessert almost every day!) All you can do is love her and be there to help her through :flowerforyou:0 -
How is being responsible for your actions over the top? And yes when people stop blaming other things for their food choices the obesity rate would improve. I am the one responsible for my successes and failures. The same is true for the general population.
This^^ She isn't undermining you, she's treating you like the child you are acting like. You choose what goes in your mouth, no one else. Take responsibility for your actions; including the fork to mouth action.She's your mom. Be point blank honest. No donuts or ice cream in this house. Thanks!
That's not good advice IMO. No kid of mine will tell me what I can and can't stock in my house. You don't want it? Don't eat it. I have 7 people in my house and we have a huge variety of foods here. Furthermore, if I went to my daughter's house to care for her and help her with her 3 kids while she is sick and she rudely told me what I can and cannot bring, I'd tell her to grow up, quit being a brat and take care of herself.
bit over the top response
i guess it would stop the obesity rate though
ETA: OP there are always days where even the most dedicated people have slip ups, it is one day and good luck on the rest of your journey.0 -
The biggest problem with forums is their is no professional counselor to moderate people.
Of course she feels underminded. I'd bet $1,000 she has told her mom her goals and what she is avoiding eating. While all of you have valid points about "growing up" and "being appreciative" none of you look at the psychological issues OP is going through.
Many people do not have an eating disorders, but everyone has peculiarities that can even be seen as disordered eating (there is a huge difference between and eating disorder and disordered eating).
I know where you're coming from OP. I have a friend that constantly tells me what to eat in her fridge when I stop by her house (she's much older than me, I'm 28 and she's 65ish) She maintains that dieting doesn't work and yet says things about people she percieves as heavy like "put down the fork fatty!" I am clearly overweight, but she has apparently decided I'm not. And she does undermine me, much as your mother is. But it's not because they are being terrible people. It's how they were taught to show love and care for people.
You love your mom, I love my friend. I don't want to hurt her feelings but not eating the food she makes. But I also have come to a realization that I have to take care of ME. So sometimes I lie. Sometimes I take the food she is pushing on me and give it to someone else that wants or needs it. Sometimes I throw it away. If I told her "no" she would DEFINITLY be hurt. Sometimes I tell her I already ate or I'm just not hungry (these are often met with shows of unhappiness and sighing or saying " SOOOOOO????? EAT!!!" So between her show of unhappiness with my needs and choices, and already over-taxed willpower, YES it does FEEL like being undermined.
But sometimes just reminding yourself you have the choice takes away the power that food or person may have over you.
You sound like an awesome person and very diplomatic. I have friends at work that know I have an ED and I'm diabetic, but push food off on me anyway. I usually thank them and try to walk away without taking the food but they seem to be hurt over this. I think from now on, I'll just take the food and throw it away. I don't know about giving it away. If the food isn't good for me, it isn't good for anyone else, so I don't want to give it to someone else, even if they don't have a problem, right? :huh:0 -
[quote.
For the OP, just politely ask her not to offer those items.
[/quote]
that is precisely what i did (very politely, much nicer than some responding to my post i might add)
i asked her to just not offer me those things. she said she feels like shes ignoring me if she does that, so i asked her to try asking me if i'm going to have a dessert or not before offering to get me anything, and she seemed ok with that answer and said she would. told her it was really hard last night to say no to a reese's klondike bar (and you can bet i made room in my plan for the day to have one tonight)
i think it's just been so long since she had to make all the changes that she's forgotten how hard it is. i did tell her that i would be buying more healthy foods, and she protested saying then the food bill would go up, so i told her that meant we would just buy less junk. (and dh and i buy all the food up to a certain amount, so i feel justified in saying that) and she does buy junk on her own dime, but it's a "treat for everyone" not just for her, which i know my 3 kids appreciate.
we are going grocery shopping tomorrow, if i feel up to it. and i had to interject some better meal ideas than what she was suggesting, and remind her to add a veggie to hamburger night so i had something good to fill up on instead of either half starving or filling up on french fries. (like a veggie of some sort)
i guess i'm just gonna have to tackle her a little bit at a time. maybe my better eating will rub off on her.0 -
The biggest problem with forums is their is no professional counselor to moderate people.
Of course she feels underminded. I'd bet $1,000 she has told her mom her goals and what she is avoiding eating. While all of you have valid points about "growing up" and "being appreciative" none of you look at the psychological issues OP is going through.
Many people do not have an eating disorders, but everyone has peculiarities that can even be seen as disordered eating (there is a huge difference between and eating disorder and disordered eating).
I know where you're coming from OP. I have a friend that constantly tells me what to eat in her fridge when I stop by her house (she's much older than me, I'm 28 and she's 65ish) She maintains that dieting doesn't work and yet says things about people she percieves as heavy like "put down the fork fatty!" I am clearly overweight, but she has apparently decided I'm not. And she does undermine me, much as your mother is. But it's not because they are being terrible people. It's how they were taught to show love and care for people.
You love your mom, I love my friend. I don't want to hurt her feelings but not eating the food she makes. But I also have come to a realization that I have to take care of ME. So sometimes I lie. Sometimes I take the food she is pushing on me and give it to someone else that wants or needs it. Sometimes I throw it away. If I told her "no" she would DEFINITLY be hurt. Sometimes I tell her I already ate or I'm just not hungry (these are often met with shows of unhappiness and sighing or saying " SOOOOOO????? EAT!!!" So between her show of unhappiness with my needs and choices, and already over-taxed willpower, YES it does FEEL like being undermined.
But sometimes just reminding yourself you have the choice takes away the power that food or person may have over you.
Agreed. Characters like Dr. Sheldon Cooper in the Big Bang Theory and Dr. Temperance Brennan in Bones, also Dr. Gregory House in House are entertaining and yet in real life their interaction patterns of insulting bluntness would get them more negative feedback than the shows indicate. I am a bit elitist about intelligence and sometimes unintentionally condescending; but I don't find it very socially rewarding to insult people- except for chiding arrogant bullies, I admit that has sometimes felt appropriate. Perhaps people make comments on internet venues that we would not make in person.0 -
I disagree with many posters here. If you have made it clear to your mother that you are trying to lose weight and that these foods are particularly tough for you to pass up, but she still puts bowls of ice cream right in front of you, she IS undermining you. That type of behavior is very consistent with a passive aggressive means for parents to assert their control or to reinforce codependency. I'm not saying she doesn't love you, but if you have told her that weight loss is REALLY important to you and you would appreciate her help in this and she can't do something as simple as not put a bowl of ice cream in front of you, there is something wrong here. If an adult like your mother can't adjust her own behavior just a little bit to help you out then you should question why. All the claims here that you shouldn't expect other people to change their behavior for you are just plain wrong. You're not asking her to not eat ice cream herself or even do something near extreme. Every day we all ask and expect others to change their behavior a bit for us. That is the basis of family and society and the inability of your mom to help you out here on something that asks so little is disrespectful. Our society tends to put up with very bad behavior by parents. Indeed our culture almost treats them like babies who can't be held responsible for how they treat their kids. It's total hogwash! We can all treat the people we love with enough respect to change our behavior a little bit for them. Husbands and wives do it, siblings do it, and good parents do it.0
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We cannot forget that the OP is trying to lose weight and that her eating habits were heavily influenced by the food on which she was raised as a young child by her mother (assuming her mother actually raised her, of course). Also, assuming her mother hasn't been a lifelong Type I diabetic, the diet hasn't been healthy for either of them.0
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We cannot forget that the OP is trying to lose weight and that her eating habits were heavily influenced by the food on which she was raised as a young child by her mother (assuming her mother actually raised her, of course). Also, assuming her mother hasn't been a lifelong Type I diabetic, the diet hasn't been healthy for either of them.
LOL yes my mother raised me. she didnt develop type 2 until she was just over 60. we suspect her mother had it as well, but was never diagnosed. my father also had diabetes (type 2 also) he NEVER controlled his sugar, and i watched him die a slow painful death with blindness and multiple amputations. he passed at the ripe old age of 62, in agony and chock full of cancer. i want better than that for my mom and myself. we wont even get into my horrendous family history, as if both my parents having it werent bad enough, and myself having 2 gest. diabetes pregnancies. i suspect i will have to fight this horrible disease for the rest of my life.0 -
don't eat them0
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Wow. I'm kind of disappointed with the responses that you got. Yes, I agree, as adults we have to take control of our own lives & what we put in our mouths. That is the greatest challenge, isn't it? However, it is uncomfortable when you feel like someone is purposely trying to undermine your goals & is not supportive. You can politely decline and make sure there are healthier choices available for you. Out of sight, out of mind works for me too. I hear your cries. Good luck.0
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We cannot forget that the OP is trying to lose weight and that her eating habits were heavily influenced by the food on which she was raised as a young child by her mother (assuming her mother actually raised her, of course). Also, assuming her mother hasn't been a lifelong Type I diabetic, the diet hasn't been healthy for either of them.
LOL yes my mother raised me. she didnt develop type 2 until she was just over 60. we suspect her mother had it as well, but was never diagnosed. my father also had diabetes (type 2 also) he NEVER controlled his sugar, and i watched him die a slow painful death with blindness and multiple amputations. he passed at the ripe old age of 62, in agony and chock full of cancer. i want better than that for my mom and myself. we wont even get into my horrendous family history, as if both my parents having it werent bad enough, and myself having 2 gest. diabetes pregnancies. i suspect i will have to fight this horrible disease for the rest of my life.
Maybe now everyone here can take a step back from their "self-control" diatribes and really understand how hard this is for you. With a little luck, no one will chime in that you should eat all the sugar you want as long as it's in your macros.
All you can do is chart your own journey, work toward your goals, and be open and honest with those in your life. And remember, your history and your present circumstance are not your destiny. Your destiny is in the journey you make from here.
Oh, and wanting better for yourself and your mom? Tell her that. And tell her every time she offers you something she knws neither of you should have.0 -
You're not getting a ton of support here-- but I get the gist of what you're saying. Undermining may have been the wrong word to use, maybe non-supportive.
the general statement here is that only you are in control of your food intake. While this is true, there's a little fat devil on your shoulder telling you it'll be okay....
Its not okay. Don't eat junky stuff, especially if you're over for your daily intake already. Then again, if you do eat it-- don't beat yourself up about it. You have no one to be accountable to; except yourself.
You can do it, and when you get the urge, fight it. Go for a walk, or if you're sick, a hot bath would be nice.
I hope you feel better, and hug your mom, say thanks but no thanks. Good luck!0 -
As an RN who teaches a diabetic support group, I tell my participants everyone should eat as if they had diabetes (30-45 gms carbs per meal) with lots of veggies and we would all be much healthier. And it is all about choices....just like our calorie counting is. If you choose to have pasta, you should skip bread/dessert, etc. so you are under your goal. I think she thinks she is helping, not undermining, or feeling if you are sick you should not have to be so strict with yourself.
I am just starting here, but my plan is to keep "treats" I can have like special herbal teas, strawberries even if a bit expensive, etc on hand so I don't feel "deprived" of cookies or cakes. My downfall is salty snacks, but carrots and celery with sea salt help with the potato chip craving. maybe you can find a treat that works for you. 0 -
In the original post, it sounds like you are complaining about your mother offering you foods you'd rather not eat. Each time you post, we get more of the story. I think I get what you are saying - you are worried about your mother?
If that's the case, then all you can do is model healthy behavior and offer her the foods she can safely eat.0
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