being undermined
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My mum does this all the time when I visit. I think its just instinct for mums to want to fatten up their babies. To them we will always be babies. I just tell her off for being a diet sabatour. She grumbles a bit but eventually stops trying to force feed me.0
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I do not look at it that way. If I did then I would be writing a post about how my 18 yr old 5'7 1/2, 112lb daughter has cookies, eats out all the time and offers me food all the time despite knowing I watch what I eat. I would never in a million years think to blame her. Why? I'm a grown woman. lol
I guess for me I have way more control over myself and no one forces me to do anything I do not want to.
All due respect, you got to take responsibility for your own actions and I would hope you are the driver of your own life.
Best wishes.0 -
This. I originally started with these same ideas of being 'undermined' as you call it until I realized that temptation is everywhere. It's gonna be part of the experience of dieting and the path of getting healthier because nothing or no one is going to accommodate your personal life style. I live in a household with five other people that do not diet and frequently eat fast food but I still manage to lose weight and fight temptation whenever it is around or offered to me. You might fail from time to time, become frustrated, but it's gonna happen. The person responsible for change in your life is ultimately you, blaming others isn't gonna change the ownership of responsibility.You have to look at this a different way. You're an adult with 3 kids and when you're not feeling well your mom is taking care of you?! What a huge blessing!! No one takes care of me when I'm sick unless I'm on death's door. I'm not entirely sure whether you're at your mom's house or she is at yours, but regardless, she's doing you a huge favour.
No one is undermining you. No one is doing anything TO you. Her only thoughts are probably that she wants to give you something yummy to eat. Like most people, she may be assuming you relax your diet rules when you're unwell.
No one will change a single thing they do because you want to lose some weight. Just because you put in place new rules for yourself, doesn't mean anyone else has to do anything differently at any time... in fact, since your weight loss goals are yours alone, so they probably won't even make changes if you ask. And I don't believe it's their responsibility to do so.
So if you want to change things and no one else around you does anything differently, you need to figure out how to exist within those parameters and achieve what you've set out to do. It may not be particularly encouraging, but no one anywhere wants to really "support" anyone's weight loss efforts by putting in their own. They want to keep living their lives how they always have.
You want the change; you make it happen. When someone else is caring for you, just be gracious, say "thank you" and have a smaller portion. Or say, "No, thank you." You always get the choice, though.
Another thing you can say if you're too modest to openly decline food is telling the person to save it for later or ask for some of it but not the entire thing.0 -
Don't eat it. I have a hubby who loves ice cream, pretzels, cheese, beer... and I have two 5yo kids who love cookies, crackers, ice cream and whatnot. My mom comes 3 times a year to visit and brings tasty French stuff (brioche, madeleines, chocolate)...
You just have to make the decision not to have any (if it's easier than having just a little). As people said... temptation is everywhere.0 -
Of course she feels underminded. I'd bet $1,000 she has told her mom her goals and what she is avoiding eating. While all of you have valid points about "growing up" and "being appreciative" none of you look at the psychological issues OP is going through.
Yeah...nobody here who's had a lot of sustained success has ever had to deal with this issues...absolutely none of us.0 -
I can't speak for the mindset of people who ignore another's wishes in this type of circumstance, but it's typically out of "love" or plain apathy. Thus why OP is receiving is so much "suck it up" responses, because honestly, self-control and self-determination is what it boils down to.Of course she feels underminded. I'd bet $1,000 she has told her mom her goals and what she is avoiding eating. While all of you have valid points about "growing up" and "being appreciative" none of you look at the psychological issues OP is going through.
Yeah...nobody here who's had a lot of sustained success has ever had to deal with this issues...absolutely none of us.0 -
Mom's plying their loved ones with tasty treats? Say it ain't so! (Man, I would kill for my mom's fudge right now.) My friend, she's not sabotaging you - she's helping you learn how to deal with the inevitable temptations in life, to develop your fortitude and resolve, and for you to figure out what's truly important to you.
Here's an analogy (yeah, I know, humor me). I used to get grumpy when other students in yoga class would fidget or talk or be otherwise distracting - sometimes to the point of basically knocking me out of my concentration. Sometimes I'd fall out of poses and then just get pissy. In one particular fit of b*tchiness, I complained to my instructor, the wise yogi she is. Well, she basically told me to STFU. She reminded me that in order to grow in our practice, we need to learn to focus on our goals and also deal with life's problems and distractions. We control just one thing - ourselves. End of stupid yoga analogy.
Okay, so your mom brings junk food into the house. You need to come to terms with it. Why? Because there will come a day when you are faced with temptations - from others, from yourself, from the gelato counter at Whole Foods… And what will you do then? You will rely on your own mother-reinforced sense of resolve! Thanks, Mom! :flowerforyou:
Edited to add: With the family history and your own history of gestational diabetes, you have full right to be concerned. All the more reason for you to develop that health-driven self-determination now. And the best thing you can do for your mom is offer her your support, keep setting a good example yourself, and praise her for making her own better choices. There may come a day when you are her caregiver - and you will have more latitude on controlling her diet and medical regimen. Frustratingly, she is still an autonomous adult with her own free will (including the will to not control her diabetes.) - just like you are an autonomous adult yourself. I've lost both parents to preventable health issues (heart), it was a tough battle. My
goes out to you. 0 -
My sweet dad brings me one small chocolate goody when he comes by (most every day) and even hides the rest because we both know how I am about chocolate if it's in the house
It's very sweet of him! So I understand. I'm very lucky!
He wasn't quite that good until my blood sugar came back higher than it should be. Now he even doesn't bring bread when I cook him a nice meal where bread would go great with it. I tell him he can still have the bread, lol. But he doesn't even do that. His blood sugar was a bit high at his last physical, so he may have his own motives there, but I say good for him!
It certainly is nicer when folks who spend a lot of time together are on the same page. No doubt.0 -
Honestly, I'm more concerned with your mom's refusal to be responsible about her diabetes than her undermining your weight goals.0
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Regarding your mom not making good choices... Mine is the same. Seriously I shake my head every time she comes to visit. She comes for a week every 3 months. She's diabetic too (onset at 60 as well). She's always telling me on the phone how one chocolate is enough for her and she only has sweets once a week (a chocolate eclair)... Then I mention some muffins I made or a new crepes restaurant or that we went out for pancakes and she's like 'oh I'd like that', 'oh you should make them when I'm here'. Really? So she's coming today and if I listened to her we'd go to the pancake restaurant, to the crepes restaurant, and I'd make muffins, plus it's my kids' birthday tomorrow and we're going to have a ton of leftover cake... And she knows I'm trying to lose weight too (kept saying I should for years, and now 20 lbs ago she said I was thin enough now). One sweet a week... right.
So I get your frustration there!0 -
Nobody undermines me. Ever. Even if they intentionally tried to ruin what I am working toward, short of forcing food into my mouth against my will, they could not.
Why??
I am responsible for what goes into my mouth and how I reach my goals. Nobody else is the responsible party for how I choose to eat.
In my apartment right now, there's chocolate peanut butter beer (amazing btw!), sour cream and cheddar chips, the ingredients to make my favorite cupcakes, chocolate, ice cream, leftover pasta with TONS of high calorie alfredo sauce, oreos and fruit snacks and delicious, wonderful hot chocolate. I choose to eat ALL of these things in moderation.
If my boyfriend sits down and devours a bag of chips but I've already reached my goal, I can do 1 of 3 things:
1: Ask him to please save me some for tomorrow and plan it into my day.
2: Have just one or two and let him enjoy the rest (2 chips is nbd to me)
3: Stuff my face.
If I choose 3, it isn't because my boyfriend "undermined" my hard work and dreams of a super sexy body. . . . and it isn't his fault for bringing chips into the apartment. It is MY fault because I CHOSE to indulge in way too many chips.
Yes, it is difficult to say no to delicious things sometimes, but just remind yourself that they will be there tomorrow and then eat them tomorrow! Nobody can undermine your work toward your goals except for you. Realizing that is one HUGE step toward successful weight loss.0 -
In the grand scheme of things your "problem" is so small that most would find it no more than a mild irritation, your view of what is classed as undermining is pretty out of synch with what would be classed as a real problem, try to be a little less high maintenance, everybody cannot be expected to spend their time thinking about your issues before they make the simplest of gestures
The world revolves around the sun and not you0 -
LOL yes my mother raised me. she didnt develop type 2 until she was just over 60. we suspect her mother had it as well, but was never diagnosed. my father also had diabetes (type 2 also) he NEVER controlled his sugar, and i watched him die a slow painful death with blindness and multiple amputations. he passed at the ripe old age of 62, in agony and chock full of cancer. i want better than that for my mom and myself. we wont even get into my horrendous family history, as if both my parents having it werent bad enough, and myself having 2 gest. diabetes pregnancies. i suspect i will have to fight this horrible disease for the rest of my life.
Sadly, I think if we read a little deeper, there is fear here. It's not about the treats. It's not about being undermined. It's the fear that bad things will happen to those we love and the feelings of frustration and powerlessness that comes with it. I think the OP's just venting because her concerns likely fall on deaf ears at home. To the OP - I'm sorry you are dealing with this stuff. And I'm sorry to hear about your dad. And I can't blame you for feeling both frustrated and concerned about your mom.
Diabetes is an insidious disease - but we are not powerless against it. This may not be the best place for you to find that emotional support you need, but there are support resources available to you if you seek them out.0 -
This may not be the best place for you to find that emotional support you need, but there are support resources available to you if you seek them out.
Which is truly sad, given that so many here have been overweight to obeses or worse and have already been insulin resistant and pre-diabetic and not known it.
That she would get more sympathy and support from an athlete who has never been overweight is rather sad.0 -
So your Mom has diabetes? Is she learning how to control her own health issues? Like maybe an appointment with a nutritionist (thru her Dr) to receive some education on her condition? Would benefit both of you. And honest, not sure if you are at her house or she at yours, but if she is older/elderly and not working, she is just doing what millions of moms do-getting the satisfaction of still being needed by being a mom. Perhaps she needs attention, affirmation, or something to occupy her time. Check out local senior centers and see if they have any activities she could attend. And often they have nutrition/counseling classes to help people deal with ongoing health conditions. And exercise classes! Go with her! Anything that helps her helps you. Instead of playing emotional games with each other, helping her occupy her time and focus on her own health wil halp all of you, even your kids.0
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This may not be the best place for you to find that emotional support you need, but there are support resources available to you if you seek them out.
Which is truly sad, given that so many here have been overweight to obeses or worse and have already been insulin resistant and pre-diabetic and not known it.
That she would get more sympathy and support from an athlete who has never been overweight is rather sad.
this and the fact that nobody has given me any pointers on HOW to say no, on HOW to get past the cravings, the i dont wanna workouts' or pointers on how to approach my mom (even though by now i already have to some extent).
i didnt expect a therapy session, but to be told (rather bluntly by some) to put my big girl panties on is no help to me whatsoever. i DID put my big girl panties on tyvm, or i wouldnt have ever asked for help. i put my big girl panties on by saying no last night (did anybody even look to see that i did NOT in fact, take the ice ream?) i put them on by logging in here everyday and logging, even when i didnt want to, even though i have what is probably a mild case of the flu, and in the face of my less than desired relationship with my mother.
i am stronger than you all think i am, you have NO idea. i can handle some tough love, hell i ought to be able to, as much of it as i dish out to my own kids, but there is a difference between blunt and tough. tough i can handle, i've had worse than this thrown at me, but blunt to be nasty? i dont think so. i deserve to be treated better. a less strong person might totally be put ff by some of the attitude i have gotten on here, and left mfp altogether, and possibly given up trying to lose weight too. vinegar.. honey.. you get my point.
so chew on that some of you. at least its got no calories.0 -
This may not be the best place for you to find that emotional support you need, but there are support resources available to you if you seek them out.
Which is truly sad, given that so many here have been overweight to obeses or worse and have already been insulin resistant and pre-diabetic and not known it.
That she would get more sympathy and support from an athlete who has never been overweight is rather sad.
this and the fact that nobody has given me any pointers on HOW to say no, on HOW to get past the cravings, the i dont wanna workouts' or pointers on how to approach my mom (even though by now i already have to some extent).
i didnt expect a therapy session, but to be told (rather bluntly by some) to put my big girl panties on is no help to me whatsoever. i DID put my big girl panties on tyvm, or i wouldnt have ever asked for help. i put my big girl panties on by saying no last night (did anybody even look to see that i did NOT in fact, take the ice ream?) i put them on by logging in here everyday and logging, even when i didnt want to, even though i have what is probably a mild case of the flu, and in the face of my less than desired relationship with my mother.
i am stronger than you all think i am, you have NO idea. i can handle some tough love, hell i ought to be able to, as much of it as i dish out to my own kids, but there is a difference between blunt and tough. tough i can handle, i've had worse than this thrown at me, but blunt to be nasty? i dont think so. i deserve to be treated better. a less strong person might totally be put ff by some of the attitude i have gotten on here, and left mfp altogether, and possibly given up trying to lose weight too. vinegar.. honey.. you get my point.
so chew on that some of you. at least its got no calories.
Got to be a wind up, nice one you had me there for a bit0 -
Don't know if you read my post right before this, but this is what I had to do with my mom. She pretty much begs for attention and affirmation by feeding us. Her mother (my grandma) did it too. Same with other mom things-in my 50's and come home to visit the first thing she asks is if I have any dirty laundry she can do! And she is 90. Doesn't matter if I just came from a restaurant, she wants to fix a full course meal. She has actually broke down and cried when we refused food. So I have tried other ways to show her that her life still matters, that we sill love her and want her around. " Let's go out for a scenic drive, Mom" or "Lets go visit so and so, " etc. Not sure if this is your situation, but it helped me. Plus she has made new friends at senior center to help occupy her time.
Keep up your determination to successfully lose weight and reign in your food choices. There is nothing like watching a family member decline in misery and pain to show you that your habits need changing. Sad for your father, but now is up to you to show your own children a better path. Good luck.0 -
What the feck, OP? I said this statement below...This may not be the best place for you to find that emotional support you need, but there are support resources available to you if you seek them out.
... because there are some really GREAT weight loss and diabetes management & support groups available both on the Internet and in most communities - way better than what you'll get here on MFP. And perhaps the OP might get really valuable assistance from these groups - i.e., people who have been through exactly what she is dealing with.
Thanks for taking that 180 degrees the wrong way. Good luck to you. In earnest.0 -
What the feck, OP? I said this statement below...This may not be the best place for you to find that emotional support you need, but there are support resources available to you if you seek them out.
... because there are some really GREAT weight loss and diabetes management & support groups available both on the Internet and in most communities - way better than what you'll get here on MFP. And perhaps the OP might get really valuable assistance from these groups - i.e., people who have been through exactly what she is dealing with.
Thanks for taking that 180 degrees the wrong way. Good luck to you. In earnest.
no no no that was NOT directed AT you, you just said what i was thinking. i'm sorry it got mixed up.0 -
What the feck, OP? I said this statement below...This may not be the best place for you to find that emotional support you need, but there are support resources available to you if you seek them out.
... because there are some really GREAT weight loss and diabetes management & support groups available both on the Internet and in most communities - way better than what you'll get here on MFP. And perhaps the OP might get really valuable assistance from these groups - i.e., people who have been through exactly what she is dealing with.
Thanks for taking that 180 degrees the wrong way. Good luck to you. In earnest.
no no no that was NOT directed AT you, you just said what i was thinking. i'm sorry it got mixed up.
Oh, geez! Running amok, running amok. We (you and I) are OKAY!!!! :flowerforyou:0 -
hehe i'm not used to how things quote on here. sorry bout that.0
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It sounds like your mom is just being a mom...not trying to sabotage you. Just say no if you don't want it. My mom always brings me treats when I am sick.0
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How is being responsible for your actions over the top? And yes when people stop blaming other things for their food choices the obesity rate would improve. I am the one responsible for my successes and failures. The same is true for the general population.
This^^ She isn't undermining you, she's treating you like the child you are acting like. You choose what goes in your mouth, no one else. Take responsibility for your actions; including the fork to mouth action.She's your mom. Be point blank honest. No donuts or ice cream in this house. Thanks!
That's not good advice IMO. No kid of mine will tell me what I can and can't stock in my house. You don't want it? Don't eat it. I have 7 people in my house and we have a huge variety of foods here. Furthermore, if I went to my daughter's house to care for her and help her with her 3 kids while she is sick and she rudely told me what I can and cannot bring, I'd tell her to grow up, quit being a brat and take care of herself.
bit over the top response
i guess it would stop the obesity rate though
ETA: OP there are always days where even the most dedicated people have slip ups, it is one day and good luck on the rest of your journey.
your comments re acting like a child are over the top. taking responsibility is what we are all here trying to do.0 -
hehe i'm not used to how things quote on here. sorry bout that.
In case you haven't noticed by now - we've got all kinds here on MFP. Good and bad. Try not to let the negative/rude ones get to ya. (What am I saying? They get to *everybody* now and then.) And figuring out quotes? Wait til you try to embed your first animated cat gif...0 -
oh nooo..no cat gif's LOL the ONLY reason i'm even on the forum at all, is because i'm sick. if i spend to much time on forums (or any internet something or other) i tend to get addicted, so i stay away. as soon as i'm feeling better from whatever illness i have, i'll be back to real life, but while i'm chilling on the couch trying to get better, its ok.0
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oh nooo..no cat gif's LOL the ONLY reason i'm even on the forum at all, is because i'm sick. if i spend to much time on forums (or any internet something or other) i tend to get addicted, so i stay away. as soon as i'm feeling better from whatever illness i have, i'll be back to real life, but while i'm chilling on the couch trying to get better, its ok.
For you! And me, too...
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god yes! i gotta drag myself into the kitchen and start supper. and the kids are fighting again.0
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I tend to find with my mum and my hubby who both offer up treat options regularly, that if just say No thank you they will either say no worries and walk away or will sometimes push it again because it's what *they* really want and don't want to feel guilty for indulging on their own.
If they push again I just say 'I'm trying to lose weight, not stay fat so no thank you, if you want it, you eat it' and that's the end of it. I've only ever had a handful of arguments with my mum about what and how much I was eating, and got accused of being anorexic eating 1600cal a day
when I was close to my lowest weight last time around as the smaller I got the more insecure she felt. But when I called her on it she stopped.
As a mum myself it's natural instinct to nurture when your kids are sick, if your mum struggles with food and it's been her go to for you as a child when you were upset/sick then that may be why she's pushing it on you more at the moment.0 -
I have had many people in my life who "undermine" unintentionally. The way I deal with it now is by asking myself if I really want the food offered, can I have it later, or not at all.
I know I can choose to eat anything at all that I want and that makes it easier to say no. No one can deprive me of anything I want and no one can make me eat anything I dont want. The choice is always mine.
I have the control and that makes it simple to make the right choices. Often if I think I want something I will say to myself, I will have some "after" After I finish this post, after I finish the laundry, after I make the bed.... Before I know it the day is done and I didn't have the food nor miss it in any way.0
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