my fiance keeps junk in the house

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Replies

  • PinkyFett
    PinkyFett Posts: 842 Member
    It's his place too right? Just because it's there, doesn't mean you have to eat it. My husband is the same way and I have been good about it because I control myself.
  • ebayaddict0127
    ebayaddict0127 Posts: 523 Member
    Maybe asking him to completely remove these things from the house is a bit too much. Is there somewhere else he could keep it so you won't see or think about it as much? Try to find a compromise. Good luck!
  • laughingirl71
    laughingirl71 Posts: 51 Member
    Is eating in a healthy manner suffering?
  • Tabitha_Faye
    Tabitha_Faye Posts: 131
    Sadly, I agree with your fiancé. Yes, it's hard to say "no" to those foods, but why should your fiancé suffer in the process? Speaking from experience, my husband is the same way. He is a bottomless pit and can eat whatever he wants; at one point, I tried to push my diet on him. I would ask him to keep the junk food away, but it didn't work and, well, it shouldn't have to. YOU have to learned to control YOURSELF -- whether or not the food is present.

    If it fits your calories/macros, treat yourself to those foods in moderation. Do NOT restrict yourself or your fiancé. You both will be more happy, I promise!
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    You're engaged after 5 months and living together a month? Maybe you need to get to know each other better?
  • craftywitch_63
    craftywitch_63 Posts: 829 Member
    I think you are both wrong: It is in general not realistic to expect junk food or whatever other things you find tempting to disappear so you can maintain or lose weight. So, not having found some balance, it is your problem. On the other hand, him knowing this stresses you and him not making any effort, not even for a few weeks to help you feel better, not even discussing the issue, would make me wonder where exactly we stand in this relationship in your shoes. Especially if this is a relatively recent relationship and not e.g. a 15 year engagement.

    Me thinks it is up to the OP to decide what goes in her mouth. I am in the same situation, but guess what I had to learn my limitations and how much I can eat and when to say NO. We usually have peanuts, cashew nuts, chocolate, croissants (all my weaknesses), but I make 1 serving of nuts my daily intake (sometimes 2) if I exercise hard that day. I would eat a croissant once a week. The OP have to make choices and should realize that the world does not stop because she is losing weight.

    So, you think it's completely unreasonable to have the support of your partner?

    I always find these threads interesting because of the amount of variance in what is/isn't acceptable in a relationship. If my husband told me "too bad, it's your problem" and didn't support me (not just with weight loss, but with anything) it would likely end the relationship. I won't have a partner that doesn't support me. While I strongly believe in finding middle grounds, the flat "too bad, not my problem" response that the OP's partner has, wouldn't equal a very long relationship with me.

    ETA** I support him with his goals as well. It's not all about me. :laugh:

    It did end mine. Not just dealing with my ED but that whole "too bad, it's your problem" attitude. Even when it was HIS problem - like his PTSD.

    And I DID support him with his goals. I uprooted three kids, assorted pets, an entire household and started a new job approx. every 3 years or so (he was in the military).

    Now, I'm willing to meet a partner 1/2 way but he has to meet ME 1/2 way too. OP, banning the junk food from the house is extreme - you said it was your home before he moved in, so you want him to feel at home, too, but if you issue an ultimatum like this, this tells him it's still "your" home versus "your + his" home. Giving him a space of his own to keep his junk food is like clearing a space for him in your closet - it gives him the signal that it's HIS home too.

    Good luck - I wish you the best!! :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: (for your wedding!)
  • laughingirl71
    laughingirl71 Posts: 51 Member
    Maybe asking him to completely remove these things from the house is a bit too much. Is there somewhere else he could keep it so you won't see or think about it as much? Try to find a compromise. Good luck!

    This is probably the best advice. Relationships are all about compromise. He will not give up his evening drink(s) which is why I asked to just keep beer and red wine in house, the other stuff he could easily keep at work....just for four weeks. and then maybe ease things back in as many wise members have suggested. A cupboard for him and a cupboard for me. We have a beautiful Elfa pantry with lots of storage and drawers. A healthy drawer and a "decadent" drawer may be the solution.
  • Kita328
    Kita328 Posts: 370 Member
    These are things that were never in the house before he moved in...I would buy a small portion when I was absolutely craving, but not have the supplies in the house. If I were an alcoholic, would the community expect me to live with booze in the house? I don't know. Maybe so.

    IF you were an alcoholic and you chose to allow someone who drinks frequently to be a part of your daily life- then yes I would say you should allow it in YOUR house.
    I hate to be rude but it sounds like you see this home to be YOURS- and that might be why he is'nt supporting you in your healthy lifestyle. He is asserting himself in that house- in a way that is allowable. He obviously knows it isnt HIS home really- so what can he control- the food.

    Think about these things...most conflicts have bigger issues than whats on the surface. Scratch that issue and try to fix it I bet your man will be more supportive of you- Sounds like he doesn't feel supported.

    Food for thought
  • Athena53
    Athena53 Posts: 717 Member
    You mentioned that you've been together only 5 months but he moved in a month ago and you're engaged? That's moving awfully fast.

    This needs compromise on both sides. I agree with the point that you are ultimately responsible for what you eat, but your fiancé sounds like he's unwilling to make any changes at all on his side and that's wrong. I'm married to a skinny man whose appetite is depressed by meds he's taking so he needs calorie-dense foods around. We keep things that aren't a major temptation for me- ice cream and packaged cookies, for example. If he insisted on filling the cabinets with cupcakes topped by mountains of frosting I'd be in trouble.

    I'd propose something that might work for you- having him "hide" things that are particular weaknesses of yours, or not bringing them into the house at all. If he's unwilling to make any changes at all I'd consider that a red flag.
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
    Sorry, but YOU are the one with the problem and YOU have to deal with it. You can't expect him to not eat what he likes because you feel the need to deprive yourself. That's not fair to him. Get some self-control, OR have a little bit of the "junk" and be satisfied. There's candy in my bedroom and guess what? I have not pigged out on it, even though I love candy. I'm able to have one piece and be happy with it because I have self-control.
  • beccamorty
    beccamorty Posts: 29 Member
    So maybe asking for him to not eat junk for four months is a little much, but he should be willing to compromise instead of just saying "it's your problem". What's your problem IS his problem, and if you're not happy that is only going to reflect your relationship.
    Just because someone is trying to lose weight and needs to be responsible for themselves doesn't mean they aren't allowed to have a support system.
    Maybe your fiancee could think about the health advantages for him for not having junk in the house. It's not always about losing weight.
    No one can tell you what to do about your relationship, obviously, but it is nice having a support system. I know that my boyfriend would try to help me no matter what (he even went vegan with me for a month :P), and in the long run that helps.
  • laughingirl71
    laughingirl71 Posts: 51 Member
    four weeks. Just through march.
  • laughingirl71
    laughingirl71 Posts: 51 Member
    I must have found some self control...to lose 65 lbs. and keep it off for a year.
  • Jade0529
    Jade0529 Posts: 213 Member
    My 2 cents

    Create a list for yourself regarding what sort of partner you want in your life. It will have 3 categories "must haves' "absolutely nots" and "willing to compromise on" Determine for yourself what each category contains. If you flat out decide that you need someone who is fully supportive of your healthier lifestyle and what that means to you (willing to ban certain foods for a while, will try to exercise with you etc) put that in your "must have" section.

    Create this full list and then write another based on your fiance. See how they match up and if there is anything you are happy to move about. It's not all black and white though. Is he willing to communicate? Do you discuss how YOU feel about this? Yes, it is your issue, and the discussion should not be about what he does "Wrong" but more about how it makes you feel. If he doesn't respect that, then consider if that is acceptable to you or not.

    I will also add is this a pattern of his? Does this "it's your problem" attitude show up in other areas? Determine if that is an issue for you or not
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    I must have found some self control...to lose 65 lbs. and keep it off for a year.

    If you have self control, your fiance should be able to keep whatever he wants around the house with no problems. You are contradicting yourself.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    I must have found some self control...to lose 65 lbs. and keep it off for a year.

    Then what's the problem? Find it again....

    My husband is trying to bulk while I cut... I would LOVE all the extras he eats, but it's not stuff that fits my calorie goal or macros so I don't eat it, simple as that!
  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,783 Member
    You're engaged after 5 months and living together a month? Maybe you need to get to know each other better?

    Thanks for pointing out what I was thinking.
  • beccamorty
    beccamorty Posts: 29 Member
    To anyone saying "get some self-control", you know, that can be a really hurtful and ignorant thing. You don't KNOW the people you are talking to here. You don't know their situation, their lives, ANYTHING except for what they tell you. Some people legitimately struggle with self-control for WAY MORE REASONS than just "being bored and hungry". Some people, (I'm guessing like the OP), don't actually have a problem with self-control, but have chosen a lifestyle, and find it easier to maintain that without any interferences.
    Telling someone to "get self-control" really just.does.not.help some people. Maybe for you. But I read that and all I read is hostility and ignorance, and I know that you're not really going to help me with my problem.


    OP: sorry I misread ; four weeks isn't that long.
  • jwaters1006
    jwaters1006 Posts: 136 Member
    My skinny husband loves junk food too. Our compromise is he can have whatever but it has to be kept in a specific cabinet. I'm 5'4. If I want the junk bad enough, I'll eat it, but at least I'll burn calories getting a chair and climbing up above the fridge.:laugh:
  • laughingirl71
    laughingirl71 Posts: 51 Member
    To anyone saying "get some self-control", you know, that can be a really hurtful and ignorant thing. You don't KNOW the people you are talking to here. You don't know their situation, their lives, ANYTHING except for what they tell you. Some people legitimately struggle with self-control for WAY MORE REASONS than just "being bored and hungry". Some people, (I'm guessing like the OP), don't actually have a problem with self-control, but have chosen a lifestyle, and find it easier to maintain that without any interferences.
    Telling someone to "get self-control" really just.does.not.help some people. Maybe for you. But I read that and all I read is hostility and ignorance, and I know that you're not really going to help me with my problem.


    OP: sorry I misread ; four weeks isn't that long.

    Thank you so much. I asked for genuine suggestions, and feel like the compromise ones have been really valid and reasonable. But to suggest to "get some self control" however well intended, doesn't seem to be positive, helpful, or even realistic.
  • laughingirl71
    laughingirl71 Posts: 51 Member
    and you are all probably right...many is the day I feel we rushed things. Especially days like today.
  • Blue801
    Blue801 Posts: 442
    Maybe you shouldn't get married. Sounds like it will just end in divorce anyways. It will probably save you a lot of money. Unless he is loaded and not asking for a prenup...?
  • craftywitch_63
    craftywitch_63 Posts: 829 Member

    Yep, it's up to you to control your food issues, but it's his job to support you.

    So, he HAS to suffer..........strong logic

    I'm about to collect a lot of haters, but I'm a big (too big lol!) girl and I can handle it.

    In this one thing and ONE THING ONLY! I feel for the guys. We women expect a lot from our men. In this case, we want them to give up something they like for someone they love. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if the OP was a guy. I've never seen a guy post anything like this, but if he did, would we tell him to "nut up" or would we tell the woman to get rid of her stash?

    1zqvBv7.gif
  • janupshaw
    janupshaw Posts: 205 Member
    While I don't think he should be deprived of things he loves, he should be willing to compromise in SOME way. Maybe buy just one ice cream, and a flavor you don't like? Early on for me, I would only buy snacks I didn't like...but I assume he's doing the buying? How about buying some stuff for you that would be YOUR yummy snacks? Fresh pineapple, Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches, etc? Good luck!
  • tuckerrj
    tuckerrj Posts: 1,453 Member
    When you love someone you're willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING, including your life for them. Therefore, I don't believe a small inconvenience like a lock box would be asking too much. If it is, he shouldn't be your fiance'. Period.
  • sentaruu
    sentaruu Posts: 2,206 Member
    I don't know.. if my fiancé was struggling with something and asked me for my help I would be doing whatever was necessary to help her get past it.
    In my opinion I think that you should really evaluate your relationship with this man and ask yourself if you want a man who isn't willing to support you when you need it. if it's only been 5 or so months and he is unwilling, imagine what it will be like years from now.

    that being said, you are ultimately responsible for the actions you take as well as creating an environment in which you can thrive in. if something is holding you back(especially a partner) you should take steps to rectify the situation either by compromise or elimination.

    good luck
  • knra_grl
    knra_grl Posts: 1,566 Member
    Out of sight - out of mind - obviously he doesn't want to give up his treats - keep them in a cupboard and don't go there - when he decides to eat his junk leave the room and go read a book or something - if he asks why you aren't hanging out with him simply explain to him that he is free to have his junk and you are choosing to avoid the temptation.
  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,783 Member
    To anyone saying "get some self-control", you know, that can be a really hurtful and ignorant thing. You don't KNOW the people you are talking to here. You don't know their situation, their lives, ANYTHING except for what they tell you. Some people legitimately struggle with self-control for WAY MORE REASONS than just "being bored and hungry". Some people, (I'm guessing like the OP), don't actually have a problem with self-control, but have chosen a lifestyle, and find it easier to maintain that without any interferences.
    Telling someone to "get self-control" really just.does.not.help some people. Maybe for you. But I read that and all I read is hostility and ignorance, and I know that you're not really going to help me with my problem.


    OP: sorry I misread ; four weeks isn't that long.

    I would wager that many of the posters who suggest "get some self-control" have also struggled with the issue of lack of self-control and therefore know the importance of self control, discipline, personal accountability and responsibility in achieving one's goals. Myself included.
  • laughingirl71
    laughingirl71 Posts: 51 Member
    I don't know.. if my fiancé was struggling with something and asked me for my help I would be doing whatever was necessary to help her get past it.
    In my opinion I think that you should really evaluate your relationship with this man and ask yourself if you want a man who isn't willing to support you when you need it. if it's only been 5 or so months and he is unwilling, imagine what it will be like years from now.

    that being said, you are ultimately responsible for the actions you take as well as creating an environment in which you can thrive in. if something is holding you back(especially a partner) you should take steps to rectify the situation either by compromise or elimination.

    good luck

    thank you.
  • janupshaw
    janupshaw Posts: 205 Member
    I can say with certainty (after 14 years of marriage), if I asked for 4 weeks of clean eating my husband would do it willingly & gladly.

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