my fiance keeps junk in the house
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again...thanks to the members who offered solutions, not judgments. It is appreciated, and I have a direction to go now.0
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OP, do you act like this when you're at other people's homes, meaning asking them to remove all the "junk" food so you can be there?
I do agree with a PP who suggested this is turning into a power struggle. Yes, this is your home you've invite him to share, but you can't compromise and let him have "junk" foods? If even having him a cabinet or snack box for his "junk" foods isn't something you can deal with, you should probably just break up.
I actually agreed with those who suggested such compromise. and thank you for the kind and supportive words.0 -
Believe it or not...I have learned to have a few, and leave the rest. That's how I went from 195 lbs to 130 lbs and have maintained that weight loss for over a year. With the stress of adding a new person to the household, I have crept up 3 lbs. No big deal, right? lol...we all know that's where it starts. And I know it is MY choice what goes into MY body. He does not hold me down and funnel food into my body. He does bring home 3 kinds of ice cream, bottles of booze, and I think there are four varieties of chips in the pantry right now, along with peanut butter cups and m&m's. These are things that were never in the house before he moved in...I would buy a small portion when I was absolutely craving, but not have the supplies in the house. If I were an alcoholic, would the community expect me to live with booze in the house? I don't know. Maybe so.
Believe it or not some recovering alcoholics are still living with booze in the house and still living with their enablers. Sure it is more challenging but life goes on. They have the choice of consciously deciding not to take that first drink each day whether or not there is alcohol in the house. Put in in perspective. Is a recovering alcoholic expected to give up all aspects of his or her former life? I don't think so. It takes willpower, determination and commitment much the same as it does for any lifestyle change including weight loss.0 -
This. He's not on a weight loss plan you are.[harsh advice follows]
I'd suggest not trying to push what is ultimately your issue into being his problem.
The fact is it is up to YOU to deal with your food choices and maintenance, and the rest of the world won't change to make it easier for you.
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Yeah, but he could assist a little. Keeping it where she can see it is taunting her . . . "See what you can't have? Hahaha!" which is selfish, even if it is unconsciously selfish (not saying he's a bad guy or kick him to the curb, he may not know he's doing this.) Putting it out of sight is an awesome compromise. He gets to keep his junk food, she doesn't have to see it. Believe it or not, if each person gives up a little power, the relationship will be stronger. Good luck on the counseling. Proactive counseling is a wise decision. The fact that he's even agreed to counseling means that he's a "keeper."0 -
I am an alcoholic, when I first got sober my husband, who enjoys alcohol but does not have an issue with it, did not even have a drink around me for the first 4 months of my sobriety and did not bring alcohol into the house until I told him it was okay (about a year).
My point is, my husband loves me more than he does alcohol and did what ever he could to support me.
I am glad I married a man like that.
End of story.0 -
I was asking an honest question about the alcohol analogy...that's why I said, "maybe so...I don't know" thank you for your kindness and understanding in providing your perspective on the issue.0
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My man keeps his junk in his pants!0
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[harsh advice follows]
I'd suggest not trying to push what is ultimately your issue into being his problem.
The fact is it is up to YOU to deal with your food choices and maintenance, and the rest of the world won't change to make it easier for you.
Exactly! Get a grip on your own motivation, self discipline and control.0 -
I keep the junk my husband likes in the house and then I DO NOT TOUCH THEM!
I feel very proud of myself for doing this.
Remember it is far easier to resist then take that first bite and then resist.0 -
and for the record...I'm kind of sorry I asked the original question. This is the first time I've ever started a thread, and wow...people....I really just wanted to know how junk food and I could co exist or the best compromise solutions others out there have found. For those of you who have provided positive and workable solutions...thank you so much. For those of you who feel the need to attack, blame, name call, and degrade. For shame. It says far more about you than it does about me or my relationship.0
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Believe it or not...I have learned to have a few, and leave the rest. That's how I went from 195 lbs to 130 lbs and have maintained that weight loss for over a year. With the stress of adding a new person to the household, I have crept up 3 lbs. No big deal, right? lol...we all know that's where it starts. And I know it is MY choice what goes into MY body. He does not hold me down and funnel food into my body. He does bring home 3 kinds of ice cream, bottles of booze, and I think there are four varieties of chips in the pantry right now, along with peanut butter cups and m&m's. These are things that were never in the house before he moved in...I would buy a small portion when I was absolutely craving, but not have the supplies in the house. If I were an alcoholic, would the community expect me to live with booze in the house? I don't know. Maybe so.
Believe it or not some recovering alcoholics are still living with booze in the house and still living with their enablers. Sure it is more challenging but life goes on. They have the choice of consciously deciding not to take that first drink each day whether or not there is alcohol in the house. Put in in perspective. Is a recovering alcoholic expected to give up all aspects of his or her former life? I don't think so. It takes willpower, determination and commitment much the same as it does for any lifestyle change including weight loss.
Yes and how many of them relapse and how many times will they relapse before they can live peacefully with their daemons? When alcoholics, gambling addicts and drug addicts enter treatment, one of the first things that they are told is to EXPECT relapses. How much harder is it to say no to food? Most addicts are encouraged to leave their enablers behind. Willpower is only part of the struggle. Any addict will tell you that. Also, alcoholics and drug addicts, after the initial detox, can live forever without the drugs or alcohol - they'll be better for it. The OP cannot live without food - she'll be DEAD for it!0 -
Is your fiance keeping you in the house too? No harm in keeping a little junk in the trunk after all, huh?
. Give them a break. This is a good learning experience for the relationship. You cannot be exact copies of each other. In fitness and health, and good times and bad, you don't expect to be in perfect synchronization. You try to meet a long-term alignment for living together. You should be holding on your own first. The support and understanding will follow along with respect.
By the way, you are doing and looking great. Now the weight is gone, you are off to face new challenges. Life does not end with weight loss, neither the troubles. Relationships are particularly hard too. 1+1 is harder than 1. Best of luck on your journey. Give and take. And try to ask the hidden questions to yourself without being too harsh. Do you like this person? Do you think you make a good couple? How can you work this for the longer term?0 -
I am an alcoholic, when I first got sober my husband, who enjoys alcohol but does not have an issue with it, did not even have a drink around me for the first 4 months of my sobriety and did not bring alcohol into the house until I told him it was okay (about a year).
My point is, my husband loves me more than he does alcohol and did what ever he could to support me.
I am glad I married a man like that.
End of story.
He's definitely a keeper! Congratulations on your sobriety! :flowerforyou:0 -
Through out the food, or stop going over there and make him come to you...My fiancé has never struggled with his weight in his life, and the women he's been with in the past were extremely thin as well. I've lost 60 lbs over the past three years, and struggle every day to maintain that loss. I've asked him a few times to please keep chips, candy, ice cream and all alcohol but beer and red wine (I don't care for these) out of the house. He won't, and makes me feel weak and stupid for asking for such a thing. Just this morning, I asked if maybe we could keep these things out of the house just for four weeks, so I could get a handle on my eating....and he refused, saying that I'm the one with a problem. I know I'm the one with a problem, and I suppose I'm selfish for asking for accommodations. Has anyone else had this problem? If so, what did you do? Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Laura
Let him be the one with the problem
And again, if its YOUR problem, and not OUR problem, maybe he is not the one.0 -
for the record...I'm kind of sorry I asked the original question. This is the first time I've ever started a thread, and wow...people....I really just wanted to know how junk food and I could co exist or the best compromise solutions others out there have found. For those of you who have provided positive and workable solutions...thank you so much. For those of you who feel the need to attack, blame, name call, and degrade. For shame. It says far more about you than it does about me or my relationship.0
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my guy and I recently bought a bag of garlic cheese bread potato chips (I could easily devour them)... i weigh out a portion on the scale (its ok to have some, it won't blow my diet) and then I have him throw the bag on top of the cupboard where I can't reach them even if I wanted....
moderation is the key... but him and I are both on the weightloss journey... but that is how I am able to keep junk food in the house without going crazy.0 -
Right? That was what I expected when I clicked the link. :bigsmile:four pages and not one "my blank keeps his junk in ..."comment? has MFP lost its touch?
I'm gonna break with the crowd on this one... Having dealt with a guy who moved into my house and showed himself over time to be something TOTALLY different from what he'd seemed to be...OP, unless he's making payments, it's your house, your rules. I see red flags in what you've posted here. If I were in your position as you've described it here, I would be slowing down the relationship and helping him find an apartment to keep his junk (and everything attached to it).0 -
I've lived with this problem for 28 years now. He has to have his junk food and I had to just make up my mind not to eat it. I control what I eat, it does not control me. Part of the trick for me was not letting myself get so hungry that I couldn't say no. For me this involved eating more frequently and eating more organically. I definitely believe that additives in food contribute to our inability to say 'no'. If you haven't read "Mastering Your Metabolism" by Jillian Michaels yet, do so. You'll be shocked at the effect additives can have on your metabolism.
Earlier, I read that somebody suggested separate cupboards. That worked for me, too. Basically I spend most of my time upstairs and he spends most of his time downstairs. So his junk food is downstairs and my food is upstairs. I'm usually not motivated enough to run downstairs and raid his stash. The more of it that is out of site, the better it is for me.0 -
Oh, I'm so sorry about a number of unhelpful responses. It's harsh on these boards but typically not on the motivation section, usually it's saved for the chitchat-games section.for the record...I'm kind of sorry I asked the original question. This is the first time I've ever started a thread, and wow...people....I really just wanted to know how junk food and I could co exist or the best compromise solutions others out there have found. For those of you who have provided positive and workable solutions...thank you so much. For those of you who feel the need to attack, blame, name call, and degrade. For shame. It says far more about you than it does about me or my relationship.
One thing among many that has helped me in this thread is who to block for the future discusions... anyone this ugly in speaking to the OP like they have isn't someone I want coming up on future threads.
OP- there's been some good ideas suggested, take the good/helpful and try your best to just drop the rest and leave it behind. You're right it's difficult to get the full story from a mere message board. So for those that have now become experts on your relationship, your household and exactly all the problems that have been suggested you have... well, only you know the full story. We can't possibly because we don't know both sides, all the feelings involved etc.
As I read your responses you seem to be reflecting on the relationship and it might be helpful if you come back to this thread (perhaps after blocking all the unkind/unhelpful responses) and reread what you shared. Sometimes that helps, having to defend yourself in your first post (or ANY) takes a lot of energy and ended up getting your thread hi-jacked from your original question.
Hang in there... what you've shared is pretty powerful, you have within yourself the answers to the questions that have cropped up during this thread. You sound wise and I think you're learning a lot about your relationship, balance and the fact that you've already sought counseling for future needs says much about you and your mate!
I won't go on about potato chips, your bf supposed 'force feeding you' (eye roll!) as others seem to have covered that in their interesting posts.
I do agree though, food, alcohol, gambling, drugs...etc. etc.. are very similar and it can be helpful to keep them out of sight out of mind (as much as possible) while continuing to choose health. I agree with your alcohol analogy... I do think you would not have had these types of responses had it been alcohol as the topic, which says a lot about what ppl really know about food addictions.
Sending a hug... xo
Hearts
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Believe it or not...I have learned to have a few, and leave the rest. That's how I went from 195 lbs to 130 lbs and have maintained that weight loss for over a year. With the stress of adding a new person to the household, I have crept up 3 lbs. No big deal, right? lol...we all know that's where it starts. And I know it is MY choice what goes into MY body. He does not hold me down and funnel food into my body. He does bring home 3 kinds of ice cream, bottles of booze, and I think there are four varieties of chips in the pantry right now, along with peanut butter cups and m&m's. These are things that were never in the house before he moved in...I would buy a small portion when I was absolutely craving, but not have the supplies in the house. If I were an alcoholic, would the community expect me to live with booze in the house? I don't know. Maybe so.
Believe it or not some recovering alcoholics are still living with booze in the house and still living with their enablers. Sure it is more challenging but life goes on. They have the choice of consciously deciding not to take that first drink each day whether or not there is alcohol in the house. Put in in perspective. Is a recovering alcoholic expected to give up all aspects of his or her former life? I don't think so. It takes willpower, determination and commitment much the same as it does for any lifestyle change including weight loss.
Yes and how many of them relapse and how many times will they relapse before they can live peacefully with their daemons? When alcoholics, gambling addicts and drug addicts enter treatment, one of the first things that they are told is to EXPECT relapses. How much harder is it to say no to food? Most addicts are encouraged to leave their enablers behind. Willpower is only part of the struggle. Any addict will tell you that. Also, alcoholics and drug addicts, after the initial detox, can live forever without the drugs or alcohol - they'll be better for it. The OP cannot live without food - she'll be DEAD for it!
True but the vast majority of addicts cannot leave all aspects of their former lives including associating with their enablers especially if they happen to be their spouse or other family members. The OP is not an addict. She is expecting her new fiance to totally eliminate his 'junk' food for her so it has become a power struggle. He is not dangling the food in front of her saying 'na na, I can have this, you can't". He is simply bringing the foods he enjoys into what is now his home. There is absolutely no reason why she cannot enjoy some of his 'junk' food in moderation while creating a calorie deficit to lose weight. It is ultimately her choice what she puts in her mouth. Who knows, if done the right way without the power struggle he will give up some of those 'junk' foods in favour of healthier snacks. She can also make a few healthier snacks to enjoy as a couple WITHOUT even telling him they are healthier. That's what couples who work together and respect each other do. We've been married for almost 37 years so I do know a bit about give and take which is not what I'm seeing in the relationship OP described. Don't forget there are two sides to every story and then there is the truth. Here we are just getting one side.0 -
actually...I asked him if he would be willing to eliminate tempting food for four weeks. And after reading many of the helpful suggestions, I have determined that his and hers drawers in our pantry may be an ideal solution. And I did mention this in this very long thread, so I understand if it's been missed. I don't think he's a villain, nor do I think I'm a victim. AGAIN...thank you to those of you who took the time to read and offer such insights and awesome suggestions.0
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I am an alcoholic, when I first got sober my husband, who enjoys alcohol but does not have an issue with it, did not even have a drink around me for the first 4 months of my sobriety and did not bring alcohol into the house until I told him it was okay (about a year).
My point is, my husband loves me more than he does alcohol and did what ever he could to support me.
I am glad I married a man like that.
End of story.
He's definitely a keeper! Congratulations on your sobriety! :flowerforyou:
Thank you and yes he most certainly is a keeper.
There is nothing in this world that I would refuse to stop doing to ensure my husbands happiness as well. He is the most important thing in the world to me.
Refusing to help someone with something so simple and easy as not bringing junk around someone is a tell tell sign that the future with that person may be a little tough.
I have been with guys in the past that were kinda like the OPs bf. Some were real sorry when I left, others...not so much.0 -
four pages and not one "my blank keeps his junk in ..."comment? has MFP lost its touch?
I've been thinking it every time I see this thread title, but I've been sitting on my hands because I am trying to be helpful and nice on the boards. :smokin:0 -
LMAO...and now I keep hearing match game theme song in my head. God bless Gene Rayborn. And I suppose his "junk" in the house is better than his "junk" at the neighbors! Then I'd really have a problem.0
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I am surprised by the ugly and hurtful reactions on the board labeled "motivation and support" I wasn't looking for someone to bash my guy or to bash me...but for people who have found solutions and compromises in similar situations.
For those of you who offered realistic and workable suggestions...thanks so much, that's honestly what I was looking for.
You are a 43 year old woman who asked for relationship advice on a public forum. Many of those 'ugly and hurtful reactions' were the honest opinions of posters who were trying to help you. The 'bashing' you speak of, is their opinion of your guy, and / or you.....lol...right? Although many here think they can read very limited information, and diagnose with complete accuracy.
..... based on the information you supplied.I've asked him a few times to please keep chips, candy, ice cream and all alcohol but beer and red wine (I don't care for these) out of the house.
He won't, and makes me feel weak and stupid for asking for such a thing.
he refused, saying that I'm the one with a problem.
As with 1,000's of other threads, just like yours..... you painted the original picture of a 'spouse' who is a d!ck... reread your original post, if you disagree... but, you don't say anything positive about him in that post, do you? It's all negative. You wrote the words. The responders to your post, took your very limited information, and diagnosed it, with what you supplied.
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stupid cuss-detector won't let me say d!ck0 -
Believe it or not...I have learned to have a few, and leave the rest. That's how I went from 195 lbs to 130 lbs and have maintained that weight loss for over a year. With the stress of adding a new person to the household, I have crept up 3 lbs. No big deal, right? lol...we all know that's where it starts. And I know it is MY choice what goes into MY body. He does not hold me down and funnel food into my body. He does bring home 3 kinds of ice cream, bottles of booze, and I think there are four varieties of chips in the pantry right now, along with peanut butter cups and m&m's. These are things that were never in the house before he moved in...I would buy a small portion when I was absolutely craving, but not have the supplies in the house. If I were an alcoholic, would the community expect me to live with booze in the house? I don't know. Maybe so.
Believe it or not some recovering alcoholics are still living with booze in the house and still living with their enablers. Sure it is more challenging but life goes on. They have the choice of consciously deciding not to take that first drink each day whether or not there is alcohol in the house. Put in in perspective. Is a recovering alcoholic expected to give up all aspects of his or her former life? I don't think so. It takes willpower, determination and commitment much the same as it does for any lifestyle change including weight loss.
Yes and how many of them relapse and how many times will they relapse before they can live peacefully with their daemons? When alcoholics, gambling addicts and drug addicts enter treatment, one of the first things that they are told is to EXPECT relapses. How much harder is it to say no to food? Most addicts are encouraged to leave their enablers behind. Willpower is only part of the struggle. Any addict will tell you that. Also, alcoholics and drug addicts, after the initial detox, can live forever without the drugs or alcohol - they'll be better for it. The OP cannot live without food - she'll be DEAD for it!
I know this is kinda hijacking the purpose of this thread, but when people compare the elimination of alcohol to the elimination of food (you have to eat food or you will die!!), I think they have it wrong. Alcohol is just a beverage/liquid refreshment choice; Snack food is just a food choice. As a recovered alcoholic, I have not eliminated liquid refreshment from my life, I have learned to make different choices when I am thirsty (or stressed or bored or emotional or any other "reason" people turn to booze or food). Why can't that concept apply to food and making different food choices??0 -
And...so what?
My husband is not the one trying to lose weight. I'm an adult, it's up to me to control myself, and conquer temptation.0 -
"I know I'm the one with a problem, and I suppose I'm selfish for asking for accommodations. Has anyone else had this problem? If so, what did you do? Any suggestions would be appreciated. " from the OP...a part you neglected to quote or read? I'm not sure which, so I'll assume you just missed it. And you're right...I didn't paint him in a very flattering light. I was trying to be succinct and get to the heart of the issue at hand.
I don't think I was asking for relationship advice, If that is what came across...I sincerely apologize for my unclear communication. I thought the final sentiment was asking for suggestions from people who have been in similar situations.0 -
I think I may just be too selfish to get married. On the other hand, it feels like he chose ice cream over my feelings.
I dont think he did. Its icecream most people like to enjoy a scoup or two. You really do need to figure out a way to control your portions. You already lost 60 you know how to do it just keep at it. Keep the house stocked with your healthy treats. Yoy kinda have to learn to ignore it, find other ways to deal.0 -
I walk past 30 restaurant twice daily while they are cooking bacon. Croissants. Etc. I do not stop because I want to look delicious not merely eat something delicious. Coming from an Al anon background it is not reasonable to expect the world to stop drinking king because you did. However it would be kind if they did so. I would use this to determine if I wanted to continue in the relationship. I choose to live alone.0
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