if you could go back...

1246

Replies

  • Sinisterly
    Sinisterly Posts: 10,913 Member
    I think I need to call my folks after reading all of this!
    Hehehehe.. My mom already killed most of my minutes.
    Bahahahaha.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    I just want to say that honestly evaluating the past is how we break the cycles of abuse within a family and provide a healthy childhood for our own children. My own children have a genuinely good childhood, with two loving parents. And my issues are my own and not theirs. Of course all people will have issues and "hardships" and no parent can be perfect. Realizing we aren't perfect is actually part of being a good parent. But, there is a difference between the normal hardships of life, growing up, being human, being around other humans and actual criminal abuses and traumas. Sometimes those issues do not end in childhood, they are issues that can continue to be problematic between the parent and child through out life. But, that aside, I do deal with my own issues on my own. I actually do not expect my mother to be capable of something that she is not capable of. As far as she knows we have a good relationship. I simply keep it light with her and do not go deep. But, I am honest with myself.

    Quoting you again, but very much this, particularly the last part.

    Learning that you can't, no matter what you did, change your parents because they are who they are, they did what they did, etc. is critical. It can be nice as an experiment to entertain the idea, and voice it here, and perhaps quite healthy to write down exactly what you'd ideally want to say... but understanding that sometimes abusive parents or neglectful parents, etc. etc., were not capable of being more or less than what they are is important for us as children of such parents.

    I urge people reading to seek out "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward (which I found from a post on MFP, actually, many years ago!) if not actively in therapy, and to try and talk about some of these things with a therapist or counselor.

    Thanks for your good responses again.

    I haven't read that book, but have heard of it.

    A book that helped me with my mother and some members from her side of the family was: "Why is it always about you? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism" The title is weird, but most of the book was very helpful for learning how to continue a relationship with my mother and still be personally healthy.

    And for the "father" side of the equation the book that helped me was, "The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships" by Patrick Carnes

    Also, sorry to get so heavy on this topic. It's sometimes challenging to avoid on this topic. :flowerforyou:
  • bigbarnold
    bigbarnold Posts: 2,554 Member
    I would tell my mom she should whip my b***! I also would tell her to make us do some chores to help her out!
  • bookworm_847
    bookworm_847 Posts: 1,903 Member
    Mom: If your kids are telling you that your new husband is abusive, look into it a little and get the heck out when you see they're telling the truth. Also, saying he was abused as a child doesn't make it okay.

    Dad: Your kids should come before the whims of the new girlfriend, not the other way around.


    I love my parents, and things are cool now. But both of those things took a long time to patch up and forgive.
  • Cranquistador
    Cranquistador Posts: 39,744 Member
    Mom you have and always will be my rock.

    Dad... I dont know why you hurt so much, you must to do what you do...but your drinking will put you in an early grave and will hurt your family.
  • mmartinez_az
    mmartinez_az Posts: 580
    Nothing my mother is my role model on life.
  • Monkey_Business
    Monkey_Business Posts: 1,800 Member
    I would thank them.

    I would tell them how much I love them

    And how much I miss them
  • lookinggoodkel
    lookinggoodkel Posts: 1,235 Member
    i'd glue my mouth up before opening it to some people
  • ItsMeGee3
    ItsMeGee3 Posts: 13,254 Member
    I wouldn't change anything in my childhood. It made me the person I am today and I'm OK with me. However, I wish I culd go back to when the kids were young. I'd be a much better mom the second time. More time with them and less time cleaning and working.
  • iceqieen
    iceqieen Posts: 862 Member
    I used to have allot to say.. now I would just thank them for making sure I knew I could be whatever I wanted and teaching me the stubborness to achieve it.
  • aquarabbit
    aquarabbit Posts: 1,622 Member
    Brace yourself, dad. The teenage years are going to be rough! But my father was a fantastic parent (and a single parent through most of it as my mother died when I was young). Through all my hard times and problems I had. Sure we had our issues, and we both made mistakes, but never to the point that I would change it considering how much I learned from those experiences. Our relationship is probably the closest and strongest between a father and daughter as I've ever seen. Even living half the globe apart from each other, we are still as close as ever. So I'd probably give him a great big hug and tell him that it's all worth it too.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    I'd thank them for always being there. For setting a great example, that allowed me to be a better husband, parent and grandparent.
  • Mrsallypants
    Mrsallypants Posts: 887 Member
    That it was 80's, everybody was doing it. That and hugs are a better form of discipline than thick leather belts. ;-(
  • DustyMarie506
    DustyMarie506 Posts: 65
    I can forgive my parents for the physical abuse, but the hardest thing to overcome is the fact that they never encouraged me to pursue my dreams. In their eyes, the best I would ever achieve was a mundane, mediocre life. It was hurtful to me then; it is hurtful to me now. If I could go back, I would tell them to not fear stepping outside of the box and encouraging and supporting my sister and me in the things that we were passionate about. It has taken us both a long time to claw our way into lives that we are proud of (and honestly, we're still working at it).

    That aside, I know that my parents did the best they could with what they had been shown. I wish they would have dealt with the issues they carry around to this day instead of masking them, and I wish they had taken far better care of themselves. But without the stuff that I have been through, I probably wouldn't have the drive or the determination to succeed beyond everyone's expectations, and for that, I am grateful.
  • skullshank
    skullshank Posts: 4,323 Member
    as a parent now....i get it.

    in my teenaged years, i would have treated them with much more respect and appreciation than i did.
    i wasnt a "bad kid", per se, but some things i said and did were just uncalled for.

    they were and are phenomenal parents, and i wish i understood then that every rule, every punishment....everything they did was for my (and my sister's) benefit and well-being.

    i find it so ironic that i managed to loathe them for several years, and now?....i strive to be as good a parent as they are.

    they are 2 of my best friends now, and i am incredibly grateful for everything they did and do for us. i tell them as often as i can.
  • CallMeCupcakeDammit
    CallMeCupcakeDammit Posts: 9,377 Member
    There are so many people I want to hug in here. :cry:

    I would tell my mom that forcing me to eat everything on my plate, and making me starve the following day until I've finished the last night's dinner, is only going to cause me to have food issues well into adulthood, and that will in turn cause her to continuously put me on a diet. Just let me be a kid. Also, using a belt, or whatever is closest, doesn't make a difference, so just don't. A little "birds and bees" talk would've been nice, too. She's trying to be a better grandmother, so I try not to hold anything against her. I still tell her I love her before I hang up the phone.

    To my dad, I would say keep doing what you're doing. I'll appreciate the knowledge when I'm older.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    I would give my parents a huge ****ing chestbump for being awesome and raising an amazing daughter. *hair flip*


    Also, I'd tell them to get their other child, my brother, in counseling, STAT.
  • MireyGal76
    MireyGal76 Posts: 7,334 Member
    Dad... don't work so hard, it will almost kill you and you will lose out on so much time with your kids

    Mom... put the book down, and turn off the soaps... and come play with me. If you need to escape from life, then lets escape to a land of make believe that we created.


    If my kids could go back...
    they'd say... mom. put the phone down, and come play with us


    Guess I tend to escape into an alternate reality sometimes too.


    ETA: I should say though... They loved me with all they had. And they did the best they could. And I turned out pretty decent in the end. So thank you!
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    Don't have screaming matches or physically fight in front of the kids.
    Don't try to get the kids to choose sides by bad-mouthing the other (either while still married or after the divorce).
    Don't tell the kids that if they'd never been born the ex would be out of their life.
    One more cause it really messed up my sis: NEVER tell a kid that one parent wanted them aborted.


    so, so sad. I absolutely agree.
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
    I would tell them that they did an amazing job, and I hope I can be even half as loving and supportive as they were if I ever have kids.
  • suziepoo1984
    suziepoo1984 Posts: 915 Member
    My parents were great and i would be happy if i could do half a good job as them!
    The only thing is they kept me very protected and i still need to feel protected. I wish they had made me more independent!
  • rowlandsw
    rowlandsw Posts: 1,166 Member
    Kick me in the butt more, force me to study, and not to be overly protective.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    I would tell my mom that when she realizes the man she has allowed to be my stepfather is in my bedroom and not hers that she should go upstairs and walk in on him, and then call the police. That would be a start. Or that any of the number of things she witnessed go way beyond "red flag". I really don't think there was much hope for my mother. Probably be best if I were able to have had the mind of an adult when I was a child, so that I could have taken care of myself and gotten help for myself.

    ((((Huge Hugs BP)))) We haven't talked in a while, but nothing but made love for where you've been and who you are.
  • BlueEyed_Beauty
    BlueEyed_Beauty Posts: 18
    I would just like to go back to the day I ignored my moms call because I was "too busy" and she passed away later that day :(

    I know how you feel. I was supposed to visit my mom the day before she passed, but instead went out of town with friends and I never said goodbye (hugs)
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
    My parents were great and i would be happy if i could do half a good job as them!
    The only thing is they kept me very protected and i still need to feel protected. I wish they had made me more independent!

    This would be my only complaint, and they are still like that even at my age. When they start to drive me insane with the nitpicking and nagging, I just tell myself to be thankful that I have parents who care about me enough to do those things.
  • Cliffslosinit
    Cliffslosinit Posts: 5,044 Member
    I was able to tell my Dad thanks for everything.
    I earned and/or asked for every *kitten* whipping I got.

    The best part was reminding him when we are already crying....there is no need to ask "if we want some more?"
    or would we "like him to give us something to cry about?" now dry it up!

    Yes we laughed until tears were in our eyes. Then he passed away.....

    I am the man I am today because of him.
    The foundation he instilled in me is priceless!

    I can only hope that I pass this down to my children and they do the same.
  • Lisa1971
    Lisa1971 Posts: 3,069 Member
    For my mom I would want to say goodbye. She passed before I could say a final goodbye and I wish I could have had that for closure.

    Awwww...I am so sorry. HUGS to you!:flowerforyou:
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    as a parent now....i get it.

    in my teenaged years, i would have treated them with much more respect and appreciation than i did.
    i wasnt a "bad kid", per se, but some things i said and did were just uncalled for.

    they were and are phenomenal parents, and i wish i understood then that every rule, every punishment....everything they did was for my (and my sister's) benefit and well-being.

    i find it so ironic that i managed to loathe them for several years, and now?....i strive to be as good a parent as they are.

    they are 2 of my best friends now, and i am incredibly grateful for everything they did and do for us. i tell them as often as i can.

    I am not a parent and I'll never be (by my choice) but I think that is pretty cool.

    I am close to both of my parents as an adult, and I feel so lucky to have been raised by them.

    It is VERY frequent that I'll be in a store or restaurant and hear some really awful conversation where a parent is saying mean, hurtful, or insensitive things to their child or teen and I can tell that is just the tip of the iceberg. I am so grateful for my mom and dad then.

    Also, when I find myself in a situation observing people who live very differently than I was raised (for example homeless, substance addicted, etc) I seriously want to cry for the kids/teens with those parents. I do believe you can raise your kids well on a very low income and with some heavy problems and issues. But I just feel for those kids because I know how hard it was growing up and navigating through life even with a standard middle class upbringing. I can't even imagine having a mom who was living on the streets or a dad who couldn't get a job at Walmart because of his felonies. So sad.
  • SuperSexyDork
    SuperSexyDork Posts: 1,669 Member
    I posted what I would tell my mother about my own childhood on a friend's wall. It's really too much for me to put here.

    Instead I'll tell you that if I could go back to the very beginning of things, before I was even a thought, I would tell my mom that she should never have children, let alone 6 of us, because despite what she thinks, children are not the answer to your narcissistic needs for constant attention, adoration, and unconditional love.

    Children are a responsibility- they are not pawns, they are not miniature adults, they are not playthings. They are human beings who are in no way done developing. They need your help to develop physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. They need your unconditional love, affection, and most importantly protection and since there is no way you will ever internalize these words and make your life about someone else rather than you, you should refrain from having children.

    As for my dad, I would ask him to please make every effort to keep us. I don't care if we say we want to stay with our mom. She's crazy and we're going to go through a lot of things when she decides to shut you out of our lives.
  • Legs_McGee
    Legs_McGee Posts: 845 Member
    Nothing. My parents rocked - still do. They expected a lot out of us, but they taught my brother and I to be strong people and to believe in ourselves. And I've never doubted that they'd be there for me no matter what. They're not perfect, and they made mistakes, but overall, they had the parenting thing down pat. And my mom is the most awesome smart *kitten*.

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