A question for people who've lost 150lbs+

Blue801

I figure I'm safer now than I used to be. When I was younger and slimmer I was scared by the attention directed at me. I was uncomfortable with the way guys treated me and looked at me. Oddly enough it became much easier to be around guys once I was really fat. Most of my friends became guys and I didn't get weirded out by strangers. A little negative attention suited me much better than too much unwanted attention, and guys that didn't know when to get lost. Fat is armor for sure. I think now I have age as armor too, so I don't need the fat. And if age isn't enough deterant there is always my self defense kitty that will poke holes in people. I'm not too scared anymore about losing the weight, but I was scared for a long time. It is much easier to hide behind the fat.

postrockandcats

I don't know how to be slim. Or even just regular chunky. It's alien to me. And it's kind of scary.

I don't have as much to lose as you, but I feel you. I've never been thin until now. It's taken spending some time in maintenance to get my head wrapped around it even just a small bit. I still feel like the 245 pound chick wearing really tight 24s because she didn't want to buy the 26s some days. I still look at the size 10 tag in my jeans and wonder how I got this far because I thought being smaller than a 14 was a pipe dream. The day I was told I actually *didn't* have a large frame, but a small one was a strange one; I'd always been told I was destined to be large because of my bone structure and size. I'm still absorbing that information. But, I'm getting there and quite happy!

Basically this: any kind of large life change is scary. Especially one that will take a while that will involve many smaller life choices along the way. Thankfully, being slim isn't a learned thing, it's something you'll adapt to along the way as this is a slow process. And it gets less scary the more you do it.

mazmataz

Being in any way scared or worried about how you will handle being a 'normal' size can be a big part of why it's so difficult to lose in the first place. Programs like The Gabriel Method and hypnosis for weight loss try to address this as some believe that your subconscious mind is preventing you from losing weight by protecting you from what you perceive as threats. This is a throwback from our prehistoric ancestors having to adapt to environmental threats to survive.

For example, Neolithic Nigel just happens to be born into the tail end of the last ice age. His environment is cold, he would have 'known' this from his time in the womb, he would have been born prepared for it. His body will be built for maximum heat retention i.e. easily storing fat to protect from the cold and times of famine. He gains weight easily, but he needs to do this to survive, and he ‘knows’ this. If for some crazy reason he decided that he would like to lose some weight, his body will be fighting him the whole way trying to survive.

On the other hand, Cave Man Cody lives a wonderful tropical climate. Food is a plenty, there are fruits hanging from every tree and finding food is very easy. However there is a constant threat of being eaten by the local, well known prehistoric, giant, man-eating tigers. He has no need to store body fat as his mind and body 'know' that food will always be available. He doesn't have a huge appetite as food is always there. However he knows that if he comes across one of the tigers, he will need to be able to get away as quickly as he can. So his body is built for speed, it doesn't need extra weight for survival, it needs to be fast and light.

Fast forward several millennia and we have the same species, with (almost) the same instincts, brains, bodies and needs. Through various environmental, psychological and biological factors you have found yourself in the present day, very overweight and sick of it. You want to be thin, you really do, more than anything...and anyone who tells you otherwise is crazy. However you are worried and scared about what life will be like when you are thin. Your subconscious mind does not rationalize the reason why you're scared and ignore it because it's silly, it perceives a threat and acts accordingly...'okay so if I am lighter something terrible will happen, must make sure that does not happen'. This also offers an explanation as to why constantly starving yourself can lead your subconscious mind to think that there is a famine, and that it must hold onto fat stores as who knows where the next meal will come from. In addition to this it will encourage you to crave and fantasize about the most delicious, fatty, high calorie foods you can think of, so that you will seek these out and end the famine. Hence every diet you try seems like the hardest thing in the world to do.

Just an explanation of one of the theories out there. I mention it because it may help the OP (or some others), if you can learn to focus all of the good parts about being thing...reprogramming your brain to see being thin as something that is good for you! If you think it's all balderdash, then fair enough, no harm done!

Good luck to everyone on their journeys to better health! :-)

mazmataz

Me again, as if that post ^ wasn't long enought! :P

Also just wanted to say that I have the exact same fear! I don't have as much to lose as the OP, but I've been chunky my whole life. That's what people know me as, that's what I know myself as. I'm scared that if I become slim, and I still have the same dating issues, confidence issues etc then I can't blame my weight anymore...it's all down to me. I have been working through these issues the past few years, and it has gotten better. I really do recommend The Garbiel Method book mentioned above for this. Maybe not for the diet aspect...well it didn't work for me anyway, but for the physcology of weight gain/loss it's really interesting.

Kookyk9s

I totally get it. I'm not trying to lose weight to "become" a skinny person (although that would have its advantages!), but more because I'd like to regain some mobility and be able to walk, etc. I don't think I "need" to re-identify as thin. Besides, I've gained so much weight I doubt I'd ever get back down there anyway lol

The hardest part of this journey no matter the quantum of the weight you start at or the amount you have to lose happens between your ears. If you believe that you can do this, you can do this and if not then that will be your reality. I am on this journey for the third time. I have twice before lost in excess of 100 lbs. An I know that I can do this. What I am scared of is maintenance. But I quit smoking 100 times before i finally just stopped for today and have yet to start back up again and it is 34 years later. And I gave up drinking alcohol many more times than that and then I just stopped for just today and the todays now stretch out almost 35 years. So this weight thing this time is only for today. Just today I will make the best choices I can make for what I eat and how I treat my body. and hopefully the days will stretch together as they will in any case till I die but I may just surprise myself and keep at this for the rest of my longer life. I waste no time worrying about how far it is or what will happen when I get there. Today is all my pea brain can handle and that is all I do . So far so good.

Kookyk9s

Interesting topic.

I think my biggest fear of losing the weight is not being happy. I wasn't happy in the past but could always blame it on being fat. If I get fit and I'm still not happy maybe that just means I'm a miserable person.

And if you are miserable then maybe you could find out why and fix that . Miserableness is not a permanent condition, an aspect of personality that cannot be changed.

Kookyk9s

You need to love you more than you hate the weight.

I think that this part is totally true and I am sorry that your experience was so bad. But you can still look at yourself in the mirror and say that you tried your best and maybe it was just not meant to be.

For my own weight loss journey I also want to know that I tried my best every day. Come what may.

Sunshine2plus2

Nope! Actually I never really put a number on it when I started! I never said I would lose 100, 150 etc.. I just started losing it. Never in a million year would I of thought I would of lost 127pds! Now that the weight has come off I have decided on a goal weight so no I have 40 left!

dlneitzel

bump

muzichick

I get EXACTLY what you are saying. I lost 50 pounds, then worked through all those emotional issues for almost a year, before I could continue with my weight loss.

I was worried that who I was would change, or that I wouldn't be able to cope with the changes. So far, at about half way there, that hasn't been the case. The people around me are happy and excited for me, and for all the progress I have made. They have been nothing but supportive.

I've had a few comments from idiots (one person actually asked me, after I'd lost 50 pounds, how I was able to do my job at my size), but I finally feel like I am no longer the fattest person when I go places. I don't worry about fitting into chairs, or airplane seats.

I would definitely recommend some counselling about the issues that might be holding you back, wether they be low self esteem (me), or previous life traumas (me as well).

Feel free to add me as a friend, I am on MFP every day

I have been going through the emotional stuff too. I almost am fearful of what and who that person will be at another 49 pounds lost, because I just lost 51 pounds.
I am grateful, and love it, but woooaawwww..... a whole new person. A person everyone isn't used to at all. It should be interesting. I find my mind hasn't changed much as I still think I'm the 51 pounds heavier person, and sometimes see the greatness of it, but fail to completely change my mind set.
I do look forward to it, but wonder the difference in men and their views too because I've never had a hard time attracting men at my starting weight so, what will be different.
There's a lot to change with the mind too, that's for sure, and it's an emotional roller coaster of gratitude.
I feel deserving of it, but wonder if it really matters. Thank you for sharing.

Sharing is part of what makes MFP so powerful

cuinboston2014

Interesting topic.

I think my biggest fear of losing the weight is not being happy. I wasn't happy in the past but could always blame it on being fat. If I get fit and I'm still not happy maybe that just means I'm a miserable person.

And if you are miserable then maybe you could find out why and fix that . Miserableness is not a permanent condition, an aspect of personality that cannot be changed.

A lot of things struck me but this is one of the ones that struck me most. I am not one that advocates counseling ALL the time but I do think that this is an issue that might be nice to talk through with a counselor at the beginning and then occasionally as you progress.

I lost and maintained a loss of 105 pounds. I have a few pounds left to go. I'm 5 lbs overweight now with a healthy body fat percentage.

However, when I started I was just the fat girl. I was a fat athlete in college (softball) but became a fat girl after I had my daughter. It was my identity.

Now I just have fat - which is worse. To me.

when I looked in the mirror before I used to see a happy girl. Now, I see a sort of happy, sort of bitter fat girl even though I'm not "fat" and I know that. I'm also in great shape and can run long distance races. I can lift heavy weights. Last year at a resort I was doing plyometrics training and a man asked me if I was an athlete. He was probably being nice but I took it as a HUGE compliment when he said "you fooled me! You look like one!"

I've been at this weight for three years and can't snap out of it. I still wonder if things will fit me (I'm an 8/10 in pants and a M/L in tops) or if I have to buy the biggest size at hte plus size store. I have a ton of emotional issues with this and I know I need counseling. Which is why I advocate it for people who might be struggling with the process.

It can be a hard journey for so many reasons. I told my husband I'm scared to lose these last pounds because I might be miserable and I wouldn't knwo what I would be miserable for.

Damn fat!

SharonNehring

I love this thread and have sat here reading every single post so far. I have a significant ways to go on this journey. I chose 100 lost as a nice round number for a goal but in reality, that should be more like 125 or so. I too was always one the biggest in my class growing up, although I really packed on the lbs in college when the combo of PCOS and a broken relationship really threw me off course.

I am already enjoying the benefits of losing almost 40lbs. I feel much more confident and at work have really begun standing my ground on certain things. It's like, hey if I can be successful at losing weight then I can be successful at changing anything I want right? I'm now able to shop the regular ladies section but it definitely feels weird to be there. And don't get me started on bathing suit shopping....

But sometimes when I look in the mirror, I just don't see the changes. I still have bumps and lumps, just a little smaller bumps and lumps. My friends say my face looks so much different but I don't see it. For me, I have a medical reason for making this lifestyle change so that is how I am truly measuring my success. The rest are amazing side benefits of getting healthy.

Cathalain

I have already lost 115 pounds, with 85 more to go. I have been overweight since age 11 and obese since age 16.

I can definitely relate to hiding behind a "wall" - that's exactly how I've felt for most of my life. I am extremely uncomfortable with being the center of attention, always have been, so I can relate completely to what most are saying here.

I can also relate to not feeling like I "belong" when I go shopping. I already know I can't go into the plus sizes anymore for most things (tops are the lone holdout due to a larger than normal chest, which of course made the attention thing even worse), but when I'm in the regular section, I feel like I just don't belong there whatsoever. I'm under 5'3" so I'm used to shopping in sections for petites (and try finding those in plus - good luck), and they're SO SMALL. I keep telling myself, "You are not going to fit into that, fat girl. Who are you kidding?" Only to find out that I have... and do.

I also burst out crying when I drop a size. I remember one memorable day when I tried on a pair of Izod workout shorts at the local Goodwill, and they fit perfectly. Size? Medium. I bawled like a baby. I was so humiliated, but I couldn't help myself.

I'm finding the emotional part of this journey, in some ways, a LOT harder than the physical portion.

(I'd like to be added to the group if you're still taking applications?)

ladybuggprincess99

Hi there
Because it's a slow process, I'm thinking (hoping) the fat protection habits will slowly change too. I know for me my confidence is higher when I'm not carrying as much weight & can do more physically. Also take a look at the Success Stories forum, there are a LOT of changed people on there who describe how good it feels to have achieved their aims

I've heard it takes over three YEARS for your "skinny" mind to catch up.

tedrickp

Wonderful question OP.

I would be pretty shocked if people who had a LOT to lose weren't concerned about what lies down the road. I was/am worried about a lot of things.

• Loose skin
• Effects on current relationships
• Losing a built in excuse to avoid **** I hate
• I still haven't shaved my beard since losing because I dunno what it will look like

In a way - you almost have to learn your "social graces" all over again. Being the harmless super fat funny flirt is fine...being the funny flirt who isn't so super fat can piss people off.

Like most people though - any issue I envisioned was much worse than it has ended up being ...so far.

Another thing I noticed in the thread was some people wondering if they would be happy once they lost weight. I think this is backwards thinking. I am happier since I lost weight for sure, but I made a concerted effort to get happy in the first place.

No one can guarantee losing weight will help you be happier, but I feel pretty comfortable guaranteeing that being happier will help you lose weight.

Bronwyn9

What a great thread! So many candid contributions! Thank you all! Many replies resonated with me - especially the ones about being treated differently when smaller as opposed to bigger. I know that my experiences were not all in my mind! It DOES happen. And, as someone who has lost and regained 40, 75, 90 and 100+ lbs in my lifetime, I know a little about fearing the unknown of being thinner and also the horror of regaining. I've been relosing since January 2012, and lost most of my weight through March of last year. For the past year or so, I have maintained (more or less) about a 100lb loss. I regained about 15 lbs through the holidays and winter, but was totally aware of what was happening.... it wasn't just something that crept up on me and I was surprised by the pounds (as in the past).

While I was losing, I visited a counselor weekly and I think that has been the key to my keeping the weight off for the FIRST time in my life. We talked about so many things and I usually came away amazed that she had such insight into my life - I had thought that all my fears and personal hangups were unique to me! She made me see that most were almost universal and that there were ways to cope. I have read a ton of books -- my counselor recommends the author Martha Beck, and I recommend Shrink Yourself by Dr. Gould. Both were packed with insight into my own behavior.

To the OP - I do recommend counseling, and if you don't hit it off with the first one, try another (I went through two - the second counselor was a much better experience for me - the first one seemed to be just going through the motions) I'd be interested in joining the group, too. There's so much wisdom to be gained from each other.

MissJay75

You need to love you more than you hate the weight.

Well said.

sarahyourprincess

Weightloss for me has been a struggle, I completely understand what your saying, and I've over the course of my progress struggled. I sometimes feel weird in my own body, I am insanely scared of forming new relationships because what if they only like me for the body thats now more acceptable, and less for me.

I had to take a giant step back and look at me, and know that I got to ~400lbs because I wasn't emotional healthy, and trying to figure out how to make myself emotionaly healthy has almost been more daunting then the weight loss its self.

V0lver

tagging to read later

frances_bacon

I have only just started my weight loss journey, and I can identify with a lot of what has been said here.

I was terrified of what would happen if I lost weight, so even when I tried to lose weight, it would only last a short while and then I would put it all back on, with interest. I knew what I had to do, I just kept stopping myself from doing it because being fat did provide me with "protection". At a young age I decided if I was going to be with someone, they had to like me for myself, NOT for how I looked. This meant I have been single for almost all my adult life. I have always been the fat friend, the one who had lots of male friends (since I was not threat to their girlfriends, it was ok to have me around) and the one slimmer girls didn't really want to be around. I didn't feel at all feminine because I was "one of the boys" and I hated it. Even as a dancer, I was not considered a threat to any girls, nor attractive enough for men to dance with. I would always have to ask people to dance with me. It used to really frustrate me that men who know I danced well would still go and ask women to dance who could barely manage a basic step simply because they were attractive.

I also hated the bullying that I had to put up with, mostly from strangers making fun of me when I was out, calling me names, pointing, laughing, shouting at me on the bus, and on one occasion, running up from behind me to slap my backside and run off laughing (they were unlucky as I can actually run, and I chased them halfway across town while I had the police on the phone. When the police finally arrived, they gave the guys a good fright. I hope they haven't picked on anyone else since). In one dance class I used to attend, one of the men refused to change partners when asked as he wouldn't dance with me. When the instructor forced him to move, he just stood before me and looked away, he simply would not dance with me.

I decided that I needed to change my mindset if anything else was going to change. I had been to see therapists before, but I didn't feel that I had resolved any issues. I finally went to see a hypnotherapist a few months ago. I was very skeptical, but during the first session she helped me realize that one of my main problems with letting go of the fat me is that this is how my late mother knew me, and to change myself into someone she would not recognize would be almost like losing my connection with her (oddly enough, it was my mum telling not to eat things in case I got fat when I was in my very early teens that had me eating them in defiance, and so began the weight gain). I was so shaken up it took me over a month to go back, but I did, and I had a series of sessions and managed to address all sorts of issues that I hadn't even dared to mention to other therapists. I was terrified of how I would look, how I would feel, how my arms would hang by my sides when all the fat that pushes them out slightly went away, how I would sit on a smaller bottom, how would I walk, all sorts of things.

Dealing with all that has left me feeling, for the first time in my life, that I really can do this. Yes, I do still ask myself how my arms will hang etc. but now it is out of curiosity, not fear, and I can't wait to see what happens. I want to experience sitting on a smaller bum, and walking without the extra weight. I can't wait to become a better dancer (quite frankly, I am as good as I can be at my weight, the things I want to learn to do are physically impossible just now) and be able to teach dance class myself.

Another thing to come of these sessions was how much I wanted to feel like a woman rather than just a lump, I wanted to wear pretty dresses, and thought I would have to wait for months or years for that, but I didn't. With the help of a lovely tailor, I have had a few dresses made that fit me beautifully and look rather good, too. I feel like a woman, and this has helped me focus on the fact that I want to lose weight for my health, not to feed my vanity (another thing I was scared of, becoming vain and unpleasant).

I really do (finally) love myself, and I can't wait to see what good things life is going to bring my way, and I want to be fit and healthy enough to enjoy every moment.


Do please add me to the group!