Business dinner- inappropriate or not?

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Replies

  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    I think it's harmless. Unless "dinner" is code for ordering room service.
  • Buff2022
    Buff2022 Posts: 373 Member
    I am not saying you should be worried. But when you said you were not worried because of how she looks. Don't be so shallow. Men nor women have affairs always based on how someone looks. It is how they make that other person feel.

    My ex cheated on me with a woman who I thought was ugly. He saw something in her even if it was just for a piece of *kitten*.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I have been married for 15 years. My husband has traveled for work all during our marriage and had many business dinners out, in groups, alone with another female colleague, etc, but his recent trip bothered me. He went out of town and did a presentation with his new subordinate and they had a late dinner together. I told him that I think this is inappropriate. She is single, about 15 years younger than him. No, I don't feel threatened, I have seen a picture and I know I don't have anything to worry about. I just think that this seems like a "dinner date". I am fine with him traveling with her otherwise, sharing cabs, plane, lunches, etc. Just the dinner thing bothers me. Opinions?

    He already said he was sorry and that he won't do anymore dinners with her alone.
    Are you serious???
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    I don't think it is inappropriate. But I do think some people might feel it was questionable, primarily because she's his subordinate and they probably weren't completely "forced" to share that meal.

    I don't think you have anything to worry about but I don't think you're being crazy for being upset by it either. It sounds like your husband was open to your opinion and won't do this again...but like others have said, it could be awkward in a totally 'above board' situation for him to excuse himself in order to avoid dining alone with the woman.

    As for her being less attractive than you are - that doesn't always mean anything. I don't say that to put ideas in your head, please understand. But I have seen guys with gorgeous wives cheat with very homely women. Same goes for younger women/older women thing...and single vs. married. Loads of married women cheat on their husbands. In my past, I was married to a man just 3 years younger than myself and the ONE time in our marriage that he had a questionable relationship with a female coworker/friend (shortly before the marriage ended), she was not younger, but almost 20 years older than he was.

    I do think this sounds like a time to examine your marriage, though. I'm not saying there's an issue, it does NOT sound like there is a serious issue..but it sounds like you may be feeling a little less than secure and content...so maybe there's room to improve that from both sides!! I wish you the best.
  • jstout365
    jstout365 Posts: 1,686 Member
    Let me clarify, I have no problem with them eating together- it was the nature of the dinner. It sounded like a "date" to me, which irritated me. How about a more casual place, not somewhere with bread baskets, appetizers, and desserts. I guess this was my real issue.

    This sounds like just about every restaurant that I eat at while on travel and they are all relatively casual places, heck, one even has a mechanical bull. I often travel alone, but when I am with a co-worker, it is usually a male co-worker and dinner is never even close to a "date" atmosphere. I agree that there is probably something bugging you other than the dinner that you haven't allowed yourself to acknowledge yet.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    My husband has traveled for work all during our marriage and had many business dinners out, in groups, alone with another female colleague, etc, but his recent trip bothered me.
    For 15 years, you were not bothered. Now you are bothered. Something has changed in your relationship with your husband that is causing this change in your attitude. Is he less attentive to you? Less affectionate? Are you feeling amorous toward someone else? Figure out that change, and you will figure out the solution.

    I completely agree.
  • somefitsomefat
    somefitsomefat Posts: 445 Member
    No, I don't feel threatened, I have seen a picture and I know I don't have anything to worry about.

    He already said he was sorry and that he won't do anymore dinners with her alone.

    /thread
  • trojan_bb
    trojan_bb Posts: 699 Member
    Let me clarify, I have no problem with them eating together- it was the nature of the dinner. It sounded like a "date" to me, which irritated me. How about a more casual place, not somewhere with bread baskets, appetizers, and desserts. I guess this was my real issue.

    Expensed dinners are the best part of the job. If I'm getting a free meal, I'm going to the steakhouse in whichever downtown area is near. Not applebees. I suspect your husband and his colleague think the same. really, I think a nice dinner at an upscale restaurant is completely normal and totally professional.
  • 140point6
    140point6 Posts: 10 Member
    Let me clarify, I have no problem with them eating together- it was the nature of the dinner. It sounded like a "date" to me, which irritated me. How about a more casual place, not somewhere with bread baskets, appetizers, and desserts. I guess this was my real issue.

    A more casual place, such as a room service cart in the hotel room? Watch what you ask for....
  • 1PatientBear
    1PatientBear Posts: 2,089 Member
    Let me clarify, I have no problem with them eating together- it was the nature of the dinner. It sounded like a "date" to me, which irritated me. How about a more casual place, not somewhere with bread baskets, appetizers, and desserts. I guess this was my real issue.

    Expensed dinners are the best part of the job. If I'm getting a free meal, I'm going to the steakhouse in whichever downtown area is near. Not applebees.

    ^^ Exactly. Business meals are one of the benefits of being on the road. Either you trust him or you don't. Eating at Chili's over a place with cloth napkins shouldn't have a thing to do with it.
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  • patrickblo13
    patrickblo13 Posts: 831 Member
    Let me clarify, I have no problem with them eating together- it was the nature of the dinner. It sounded like a "date" to me, which irritated me. How about a more casual place, not somewhere with bread baskets, appetizers, and desserts. I guess this was my real issue.

    Expensed dinners are the best part of the job. If I'm getting a free meal, I'm going to the steakhouse in whichever downtown area is near. Not applebees. I suspect your husband and his colleague think the same. really, I think a nice dinner at an upscale restaurant is completely normal and totally professional.

    I agree, when I travel for work it is a steak/seafood restaurant EVERY night. I think you are over reacting. It is part of business travel. I am sure this isn't the first business dinner he had with a female
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Let me clarify, I have no problem with them eating together- it was the nature of the dinner. It sounded like a "date" to me, which irritated me. How about a more casual place, not somewhere with bread baskets, appetizers, and desserts. I guess this was my real issue.

    So no Italian places, then?

    Every extremely casual pizza joint I've ever gone to has bread baskets, appetizers and desserts. Applebees and TGIFridays have appetizers and desserts. Ruby Tuesday and Red Lobster have all those things.

    It sounds like they wanted to have a nice dinner and they were the only people each of them knew in town (since they were traveling) so they went together.
  • Ang108
    Ang108 Posts: 1,706 Member
    Sending out a BIG thank you to all non-jealous and understanding wives of husbands who have to travel for work.
    Without you I probably would have eaten several thousand work related dinners alone.
    Because of my job I have travelled for the last 38 years all over the globe. I started to travel when I was 29 and now I am 66. Since during those 38 years I was single for 31 I am doubly thankful for having most of the time someone at my table with whom I could talk about the work we do, the hobbies we had, the interests we had in common or just plain about my dinner partner's kids and my dogs and cats.
    I don't even understand the initial post.......and would like to treat it as serious, but.....

    PS: Thinking about it for a minute, I also need to thank all the men who's wives travel and get to eat with others, no matter the time, because maybe half the time my dinner partners were women.
  • Booksandbeaches
    Booksandbeaches Posts: 1,791 Member
    Let me clarify, I have no problem with them eating together- it was the nature of the dinner. It sounded like a "date" to me, which irritated me. How about a more casual place, not somewhere with bread baskets, appetizers, and desserts. I guess this was my real issue.

    If I'm on travel for work, I get a per diem for meals and incidental expenses. You can bet your bottom dollar that I'm not going to some dive or fast food when I have like $65 allotted for meals/day. What's wrong with a place that has bread baskets, appetizers and desserts? That makes it fancy? That sounds like a lot of restaurants. I don't consider a place fancy because it has appetizers and desserts.

    You need to figure out why after 15 years this is now bothering you.

    I travel for work sometimes. I've done it for 10 years. My husband isn't bothered by it and my very first trip was with my then supervisor. We flew cross-country and stayed at the same hotel.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
    ...No, I don't feel threatened, I have seen a picture and I know I don't have anything to worry about.

    A girl doesn't have to be hot or sexy in order for a man to cheat. Two words--Arnold Schwarzeneger.

    But FWIW, I don't think the dinner was inappropriate.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    As someone who always traveled for work, eating alone sucks. And you, my dear, are being ridiculous.
  • pastryari
    pastryari Posts: 8,646 Member
    He was hungry, she was hungry, why not go to a meal together instead of alone and separate? I hate eating out alone.
  • DeadliftAddict
    DeadliftAddict Posts: 746 Member
    Overreacting in my opinion, but it is your marriage. If he has done it before and you had not issue, why have one now?
  • yo_andi
    yo_andi Posts: 2,178 Member
    As a consultant, most of my work dinners are "late dinners" and unless it's a special event, usually only with one colleague.

    You should probably address your distrust with your husband, it sounds systemic.
  • SexKittenlovesitrough
    SexKittenlovesitrough Posts: 486
    you've been married how many years?

    you either trust him or you don't....none of this halfsies business...

    you've said you have nothing to worry about, and you've no where in your post implied that he's given you any reason to doubt him...

    sometimes when I'm at dinner with a colleague...male or female....doesn't really matter...

    when I'm sitting back after a great meal with a glass of red in my hand, I have some of the BEST ideas...

    I have some of my best off the shoulder business "meetings" and come up with some really stellar work projects, ideas, what have you...

    a dinner doesn't have to be anything more than being relaxed and yet still in a "working state"

    so

    you either trust him or you don't.

    this isn't him...this is you....
  • dwh77tx
    dwh77tx Posts: 513 Member
    Thanks for all the replies. I work as well, but I don't travel for work, yet...maybe I'll see it differently some day. Or maybe I'm just irritable because that particular night (Wednesday), I was scrubbing dog vomit out of the carpet before feeding my kids leftovers which weren't all that great.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
    Refusing to eat with a colleague with whom you're traveling would be a tad awkward
  • _lyndseybrooke_
    _lyndseybrooke_ Posts: 2,561 Member
    If you weren't threatened by this woman, then you wouldn't be so concerned about this. It was a business dinner. Chill.

    Even if he was/is cheating, you telling him having dinner with her is "inappropriate" isn't going to stop him from cheating.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
    Let me clarify, I have no problem with them eating together- it was the nature of the dinner. It sounded like a "date" to me, which irritated me. How about a more casual place, not somewhere with bread baskets, appetizers, and desserts. I guess this was my real issue.

    Expensed dinners are the best part of the job. If I'm getting a free meal, I'm going to the steakhouse in whichever downtown area is near. Not applebees. I suspect your husband and his colleague think the same. really, I think a nice dinner at an upscale restaurant is completely normal and totally professional.

    Agreed. I've come to despise business travel and if I have sleep in a damn hotel room then I'm not eating out of a bread basket at Applebee's. It will be The Palm or some trendy sushi place and there will be cigars and Scotch afterwards. Otherwise, I'm happy to schedule a conference call.
  • deviant_illusion
    deviant_illusion Posts: 32 Member
    It seems like your husband would not be much of a gentleman if he let a younger lady have a late dinner alone in a strange town. I would much rather my wife have a late dinner in a strange town with a male coworker than alone if for no other reason than her safety.
  • Galatea_Stone
    Galatea_Stone Posts: 2,037 Member
    Option 1: husband goes out of town and has dinner with a female coworker. They are still subject to all those fancy sexual harassment laws, and he risks getting fired if he says the wrong thing over dinner. Besides, you don't think she's attractive.

    Option 2: husband avoids having dinner with his female coworker because his wife gets jealous. He goes to the hotel bar. He's bored, he's alone, and there's a gorgeous hooker sitting not 2 seats away.

    Do you want to rethink your position on this?
  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,783 Member
    Thanks for all the replies. I work as well, but I don't travel for work, yet...maybe I'll see it differently some day. Or maybe I'm just irritable because that particular night (Wednesday), I was scrubbing dog vomit out of the carpet before feeding my kids leftovers which weren't all that great.
    \
    ding ding ding we have a winner!!

    No wonder the bread basket and linen napkins got to you!
  • klyn7788
    klyn7788 Posts: 52 Member
    Refusing to eat with a colleague with whom you're traveling would be a tad awkward

    I agree with this. I am a much younger woman in a male dominated field. I can't imagine how offended and disrespected I would feel if my colleague chose to eat alone, rather than with me, when common practice for our company is for people to eat together when travelling. It's a lot of work to locate an Applebees when hotels have such nice restaurants. It sounds like your husband is treating her like a colleague and someone worthy of his professional respect. I am immensely grateful to receive that from my older male colleagues and I'm sure she is too. It can be hard to come by.
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    I used to travel for work quite a bit and depending on the nature of the business, it could be a relatively large group of us from the firm or just a couple of us...and sometimes when it was just a couple of us, that other person was female. I pretty regularly went out to eat with my female colleagues and we generally ate at relatively nice establishments as the meal was comped by the firm. I'd much rather enjoy a steak at a nice restaurant while having to be on the road and away from home than a stop through the McDonalds drive through.

    ETA: To boot, most of the meals I had when I traveled for business were late. Being that we were out of town and had a limited time to work and get the job done meant long hours at the client's office...be generally didn't wrap things up work wise until 7:30 - 8:00 and went for a late dinner, usually only to return to our rooms for more work.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't really see anything inappropriate about it if all we're talking about is dinner here. I guess it did take my wife awhile to acclimate to this and ultimately she just had to trust me because the work dynamic wasn't changing, it is what it is.

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