Boyfriend hindering my progress

etscher

I've been with my boyfriend for about half of a year, and this has the potential to be a very successful relationship. He's great and I couldn't be happier, however weight is becoming an issue with both of us.

Since the start of the relationship, I gained 10 lbs and felt my clothes getting tight, so I joined Weight Watchers (for the umpteenth time ). He's also gained weight. about 20-30 lbs, but he's not working toward getting rid of it. He quit smoking (which I was really pushing for), and I'm proud of him for that, but he says that now he can taste food so much more and keeps putting on weight.

When I'm alone, I cook all natural foods, primarily fruits, vegetables and grains (I track using WW, but I don't like their forums). But when he's in the picture, there is always junk food around.

I've tried explaining to him that I'm trying to lose weight, but he told me not to because he likes the way I am right now. That's very nice, but not helpful since I'm 180 lbs and 5'6" (female).

I want him to lose weight with me because his weight gain is starting to become noticeable. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to *gently* push him toward losing the weight he gained? It's all in his belly and it's not very attractive or healthy. I insist on cooking, but sometimes he just shows up with food and he only has junk at his place.

amy_kee

Think seriously----how can you make someone change something in them you want changed, but they don't want to make that change for their self? Think---how could you possibly do anything like this. It took you to be ready for you to lose weight. It will take that same thing for him to want to lose weight. LIfe doesn't work trying to MAKE people do things. Maybe with raising kids, you can help them learn some good things. But, he is an adult with his own wants and desires and there is no way you can possibly change those things, no matter how bad you want to. You are going to have to lose your weight on your own for now. It's what YOU WANT; so, do it. Believe in yourself and build your confidence up to where you realize just how important YOU are! Do what YOU want to do in life. it's natural to want others to do important things with us. But, they aren't there mentally and you can't force it.

Rocbola

I'm in a similar situation. Unfortunately, you can't change someone else. I'd love for my girlfriend to eat better, especially because i live with her, and we eat totally different diets, so our fridge is crowded with a variety of foods.

I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but i think you should focus on yourself. One would hope that if he sees you getting more fit/healthy/attractive, that he would want to join you of his own volition. It's not guaranteed, though. But it has to be his decision.

MyChocolateDiet

oh hi.

kytte

I'm in a similar situation. Unfortunately, you can't change someone else. I'd love for my girlfriend to eat better, especially because i live with her, and we eat totally different diets, so our fridge is crowded with a variety of foods.

I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but i think you should focus on yourself. One would hope that if he sees you getting more fit/healthy/attractive, that he would want to join you of his own volition. It's not guaranteed, though. But it has to be his decision.

This all the way

cpcoursec

Focus on you for sure, but on a side note I think it's pretty shallow of you to be upset that his weight gain is "noticeable" and not very attractive."

aqualeo1

You can't really force someone to lose weight if they're not ready to. He just quit smoking which is a huge deal. He's obviously capable of making healthy life changes so I think you should give him some time and let him do it when he's ready.

And as far as your weight loss efforts, that's completely up to you. You can't let someone else hinder you. There will always be temptation around. You're in charge of what you put into your own body and that's it. Yes it can be more difficult if your SO is eating junk food around you but that's just life. Just be strong and remember you don't HAVE to eat everything he's eating.

Maybe you could suggest joining a gym together or go for walks or something. I just wouldn't pressure him about his weight right now. Just do your own thing. Maybe he will get inspired by your results!

rdpapag

dump him.

edisonsbulb

just break up

Roaringgael

I've been with my boyfriend for about half of a year, and this has the potential to be a very successful relationship. He's great and I couldn't be happier, however weight is becoming an issue with both of us.

Since the start of the relationship, I gained 10 lbs and felt my clothes getting tight, so I joined Weight Watchers (for the umpteenth time ). He's also gained weight. about 20-30 lbs, but he's not working toward getting rid of it. He quit smoking (which I was really pushing for), and I'm proud of him for that, but he says that now he can taste food so much more and keeps putting on weight.

When I'm alone, I cook all natural foods, primarily fruits, vegetables and grains (I track using WW, but I don't like their forums). But when he's in the picture, there is always junk food around.

I've tried explaining to him that I'm trying to lose weight, but he told me not to because he likes the way I am right now. That's very nice, but not helpful since I'm 180 lbs and 5'6" (female).

I want him to lose weight with me because his weight gain is starting to become noticeable. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to *gently* push him toward losing the weight he gained? It's all in his belly and it's not very attractive or healthy. I insist on cooking, but sometimes he just shows up with food and he only has junk at his place.

Like everyone has said, take care of yourself.
Wanting him to change is like saying he isn't good enough the way he is.
Accept him exactly the way he is.
Let it go and do your thing for you. See where this journey takes you.
Putting pressure on him can create fractures in your relationship.
If you focus on your self intsead of him you may find in the future that he may become willing to change for his own sake.
Ask him to take up some exercise with you to help you and he may be willing to increase his activity level.
Essentially you shouldn't want to control him.

etscher

I will continue to focus on my own health and progress right now, and hopefully it rubs off on him - I mean it's always easier to lose weight with someone else working right along side you anyway. I've insisted upon cooking for us rather than go out to eat all the time, and now that the weather is finally warming up, there is more of an opportunity to be outside together.

I'm really not trying to be shallow, but his weight gain in such a short period of time is worrisome to me for his health. And in a relationship, it's still important to find the other person attractive. I do still find him attractive, but I don't find unhealthy habits to be healthy. Both of our dads have Type II Diabetes, and I want to make sure that neither of us follow in their footsteps because of the health problems they both face.

I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else has been in this situation in a relationship before. If I know I'll be seeing him, I make sure to have a few extra WW points set aside just in case, but I've been good about not eating what he has. However his comments to me that he doesn't want me to change or lose weight just seem to be counterproductive and not very helpful. I've also asked him to respect my efforts, but the other day, he came over and brought me literally 10 imported chocolate bars and ice cream. I know he meant well, and I didn't say anything other than "thank you" and I'm good about only eating one serving size at a time, but I'm starting to get frustrated.

sparklygrneyes

Hi! I find it really strange that people would tell you to break up with you boyfriend even after you stated that you felt this was a good and happy relationship. People are so quick to say that when they have no clue how your relationship is. Anyways, I feel that honesty is the best policy. If you make it about YOU and not him, this will be less hurtful for him. For example, you can share with him how important it is for you to live a healthy lifestyle and you would love for your partner to support you with this. Share with him how you would like for things to be and ask him to help you continue to make better choices. Ask him to join you for support, and this usually gets your partner to see how important it is to you. Hopefully he will see how important it is to you and want to join your healthy life style. Also, he may be going through something that is making him less inclined to workout/be healthy. Ask him about it (nicely). If you can't talk to him about things like this, then you may have other issues. Hope that helps and wishing you all the best. I'm a therapist..hopefully I didn't sound too much like one lol.

Sreneesa

Please, I would have told him, "why you bring me ice cream and 10 chocolate bars when you know I'm trying to lose weight." He blatantly said he doesn't want you to lose weight. So to me I take that as him deliberately not respecting your wishes or choices.

I'm pretty straight forward and he would have got blasted! All that niceness can only go so far in handling the situation, and his lack of respect for your fitness and health choices is obvious. Time to get stern and let him know to cut it out!

Now, if he wants to continue to gain weight and in your words "look unattractive" then let him. It's his life. I get the feeling as you lose weight and he gains you will eventually leave him as you seem shallow. Nothing wrong with that girl. I'm just calling it like I see it.

Hope I am not coming off too harsh. And I do wish you the best of luck with your situation and fitness goals.

coconuttjd

Yeah... A year ago I was that "guy". My ex tried to get me to lose weight, eat healthier, exercise and work less and workout more. She finally broke up with me and guess what... I fixed the those things that were wrong with me. Too late to fix us and too late for the relationship, but she and I are still good friends and I often joke with her that "heart break" is the best "diet pill".

Not saying you should break up with him, but he is actively working against your needs rather than just ignoring them. You probably need to put your foot down and ban junk food and enforce it. Throw it in the trash. He'll eventually learn to keep it in his car, at his place, or stop buying it. And if he gets angry about it, re-evaluate why you're with him.

DJLMB

If you think it's a matter of him not really 'seeing' the weight as he gains it, so not being as concerned about his health as you are, could you put a few photos up around your house/on the fridge etc. Maybe a couple of you two when you got together and a couple of now - and don't say anything or point it out, but just give him the chance to see it for himself a different way?

Whiskeytub

As someone who quit smoking last summer, I just want to say that breaking that habit is a roller coaster of emotion that lasts for at least six months. I gained 15 pounds during that time which is what inspired the joining of MFP, but for the first several weeks of quitting I had less energy and just felt generally awful. When cutting cigarettes out, we often mistake that desire for"something" for hunger or a desire to snack which is probably what is happening to your boyfriend. Combining this with a diet is really hard. Give him another four to six months and then broach the subject. He might be more ready at that time.

chrishgt4

Focus on you for sure, but on a side note I think it's pretty shallow of you to be upset that his weight gain is "noticeable" and not very attractive."

Why do people associate wanting to be attracted to your partner as 'shallow'?

murdledoe

I wouldn't focus on his eating, but focus on your own personal goals. If he only has junk food at his house, then when you go over there take the healthy choices that you enjoy. Cook the foods that work for you and eventually he might see that diet change is a good thing. If you stay too focused on him, you maybe setting yourself up for failure. My husband likes fast food, I have told him that if he wants to eat it, it's up to him, but don't bring me any or get any while I am with him. He has respected it as he should. He likes to eat out once a week. It used to be pizza or our famous high fat burger house. I told him that we can still eat out, but it needs to be at a place where I can order lite. This is also working for us. I think what it boils down to is compromising. That is what all relationships are about. Good luck.

Flab2Fab27

Focus on you for sure, but on a side note I think it's pretty shallow of you to be upset that his weight gain is "noticeable" and not very attractive."

Why do people associate wanting to be attracted to your partner as 'shallow'?

+1

michelleneli

I understand your concerns about his health and him not supporting you. Don't however let yourself fall into the bottomless suck pit of co-dependency. Focus on your goals. You can't make him want this. Don't nag.

soldiergrl_101

You dont like him telling you to "not loose weight", but its ok to tell him too "loose weight"? Sounds hypercrytical to me. I think you need to work on your self and do what makes you happy and maybe when he sees how much better you are for it, it will spark some motivation in him to change. I think one thing we all learned through experience is that if your not motivated your not going to change, so its something he will have to gain from with in.