Touchy subject.......Regarding Physical Attraction

Jestinia

Not at all. What is bad is fat shaming (i.e. bullying) people for their size.

Also when women get pregnant our bodies change and rarely go back to how they were before, so if a man is thin obsessed, he should definitely look into sterilization.

What is up with this judgement of men.

It's not about just men. I don't mind women who don't want to date large men, either, but they shouldn't be rude about it. Or get men pregnant. Luckily, that last one isn't currently an option.

But to be fair as we age our bodies change. Neither men nor women who are thinness/beauty obsessed to the point where they will lose attraction for partners over weight, wrinkles, sag, and etc. should enter into marriage or other traditionally long term relationships with anyone. Because it won't last unless that obsession changes. And it's sad when couples split over something like that. But it's even sadder when children are involved. So they shouldn't have any.

When 20 somethings get married they may not be attracted to older people, but that will change when they grow and get older.

I do think that happens in some cases, but in the two instances of men I've known personally who were thin obsessed I very much doubt it. One was verbally abusive about it, the other just had a terror of fat women. And by 'fat' he literally meant any woman who weighed over 100 pounds. He also had issues with his own not-so-thin body. Never would take his shirt off.

Well, maybe both of them got over it or got therapy and then got over it, but that doesn't negate the many men out there shopping for skinny young second wives to replace their fat wrinkled first ones. Pretending those men don't exist is pointless. They do. I suppose the female equivalent exists too, if to a lesser extent.

I've definitely known some thin-obssessed guys over the year (grew up in southern California). And the issue I found with them in particular -- whether it was thin-obsessed or hot-obsessed -- is that they really lacked their own self-worth. They looked to the women they were with to validate their own awesomeness -- so arm candy was the only thing that would do. They struggled a lot as they got into their 40s and 50s, even the ones with money...

Rough way to live.

I feel sorry for the one who wouldn't take his shirt off. The abusive one, well, let's just say I hope he lives to a ripe, old, miserable age. He deserves it.

Jestinia

The day we divorced I told people I had the cheapest weight loss surgery ever and fastest. In one day I lost 180 lbs of worthless flesh.

Good for you. I'm glad for you, but sad for your friend and the child. Especially the child, as your friend should have known better. The kid can't help it.

rose313

My ex was very overweight. My current boyfriend is average, on the smaller side. If he gained weight, I'd still love him and be attracted to him. I love the way he is now too. I would be concerned with a very large amount of weight gained, for health reasons.

dopeysmelly

My libido is more based on my own body and how I feel about it. My husband has been sexually attracted to me at 190 pounds, all the way down to 135, everything in between, and even 40 weeks pregnant. As long as I feel good with myself, our sex life is just fine.

^^This

lindsey1979

My husband has stuck with me through some extreme physical changes and been loving throughout. The only time the attraction ever waned for either of us is when one of us wasn't taking care of ourselves. We've both gone through periods where we "gave up" and the frustration of seeing someone you love sit on a sofa and do nothing is what isn't attractive.

And when I say extreme physical changes, I mean it. Extreme weight gain with my first pregnancy, and even cancer, baldness and mastectomy, he was still always telling me how attractive he found me. I've been attracted to him from 180 to 240 pounds.

This is what I was more wondering too. Some seem to think I am being vain, but having never had either of us drastically change shape, I have no Idea what hormone response either of us could have. It is awesome to hear about such a strong relationship. My marriage is pretty damn great and I do not see that changing for anything, but hormones or lack of hormonal response is what i was curious about.

Ok... I am really asking for it but.....Do the views change about what I am asking in my post if A: The person answering started off physically fit and always viewed health and activity as important and looked for a partner with the same characteristics or B: Someone that physical appearance has never been a priority.?
I am thinking it might because if a person who always valued health and being active gain a large amount of weight without a health concern, there would have had to be a personality change as well.

I am not including health issues because that is beyond control and irrelevant to the question. Also anyone that has been married as long as I have can tell you: you need to love your partner, you need to be in love and they have to be your best friend non of these should change with a physical change unless personality changed also.

I think the bigger issue for me wouldn't be the physical change in the body, but the lack of shared activity. I do a lot of stuff with my fiance that would be much harder at a huge weight increase (probably 50 lbs either way would be fine). But if we weren't hiking as much, walking and exploring during our travels, lifting together or paragliding together -- I think our relationship would suffer. But, not because of the weight itself, but because we would have so much less shared time together doing activities we both enjoy which really nurtures our relationship.

ChristineRoze

My mother gained a large amount of weight after having breast cancer and the after cancer pills don't really help (she gets pains etc) and in all honesty i can tell that my dad isn't as attracted to her, he sometimes makes small remarks and isn't as happy to be out with her.

They love each other but there comes a point where you need to look after yourself, physically and emotionally and as long as you're trying then the partner should be supportive and help them reach their goals. However if they are not trying and don't care then you can't blame them for leaving or being rude i guess.

The small remarks an not wanting to be out in public would be my main concern. He almost lost the love of his life and to behave that way is just being an *kitten*! I would understand the physical aspect though.

The cancer was over 5 years ago, you have to be on the medication for a long time. My dad has done everything for my mom including moving to australia from South Africa, going back to study while we were young and becoming a successful production manager at Alcoa working all day every day, so i don't appreciate you calling him an *kitten*. I think his attitude is justified because of how big my mother is and how she generally does not care or want to try to change.

YellowNightingale

I think each and every person and relationship is different. And it is really based on their values. If they value looks over anything else, they are bound to be disappointed - whether it be in their current partner, or their next when they age.

I was with my ex for 9 years. I gained 90 lbs while dating him while having undiagnosed insulin issues. He stayed with me, but our sex life took a downward spiral - because of me. because of how i viewed myself and how I felt about myself. That being said, he never made a negative comment about me or my weight, but the compliments stopped as well. If I made a negative comment about myself, he'd just say "if you don't like it, change it". Easier said than done.

When our relationship started getting rocky, I thought there is no way I can leave him, no other man can possibly find me attractive, and he stuck with me through a 90 lbs gain. Who can ask for more? I stayed with him far too long for that exact reason. Finding myself too unattractive to be loved by anyone else.

I screwed up the courage and left him - hardest decision of my life.

My current bf never knew me thin, he knows me now as a heavier girl with health problems, but he knows that I am trying and he is very attracted to me.

Trying to decide if loving me NOW, and not knowing me thin, is better than loving me thin and also fat.

ktsmom430

The day we divorced I told people I had the cheapest weight loss surgery ever and fastest. In one day I lost 180 lbs of worthless flesh.

^^^Yeah you! Way to go girl!

RHachicho

I know some of you might not believe me but .. If I loved a woman I don't think it would matter too much to me if she got fat. In fact I don't even like skinny women. I like women who are a bit curvy or who are athletic. The point is fit muscle or fat I like a woman to have a bit of meat on her bones. To me there is nothing more unattractive than a size 10 skeleton. Obviously I am not talking hugely obese here. But anything up to like 250lb or so would be fine. In fact I would prefer the 200lb+ woman to the skeleton. Why am I saying this? It all depends on taste. That being said I also believe that you should want to please your partner. After this year, the year of getting in shape I am going to be looking for a partner myself. And part of the reason for doing this is I want to give them a body they actually enjoy. And you bet I will work to maintain it.

Attraction is about attraction though and it is all subjective. The answer is different for everyone. But if you are coming on 50 well ... perhaps it's fine if people let themselves go. Because from what I see the passion doesn't last forever It's all about finding someone who you can still be best friends with once the spark goes away in the end.

BC083

For those of you that think it's ok to walk away from a relationship due to weight gain or loss, would you still walk away if the change of physical appearance was due to something different say an accident, scarring, disease?
Did anyone include in their vows, "now and forever...as long as I am sexually attracted to you"?
Sexual attraction has so much more to it then just appearance! Relationships are work, that's true! To anyone on here that is motivated to change their appearance just because they want to rebuild that spark, I encourage you find your motivation from within, (better health, more energy, become the size YOU want for you!) What about experimenting with ways to turn on that special someone with more then a single look! Your great humor, your caring nature, superb back rubs, try to put in the effort you were putting in as a new couple (we all know we get lazy after the honey moon phase!)
Share ways that you keep that spark alive!...

mandasalem

I really think many are misunderstanding, I am PURELY talking physical hormones not LOVE.

So here's where I think you're disconnecting with your original post. You said in your original post that you can't see blaming someone for no longer being physically attracted to their SO if they changed significantly physically. But what you're actually talking about is NOT purely physical/physical hormones OR only physical attraction-- contextually, and based on your original post, you're talking about willingness and ability to perform sexually.

If you were talking a situation where the relationship was 100% purely sexual with no strings or emotions attached, then sure, I'd say you can't blame someone for no longer wanting to get down with the other person.

HOWEVER, in an adult relationship, the willingness and ability to perform sexually are all part of the work involved, and it's not okay, in my book, to write it all off because you're no longer physically attracted to their type. And it's not normal to have erectile dysfunction and blame it 100% on your partner. If the get-up-and-go isn't there due to a lack of physical attraction, there are conversations that can happen around that, counseling, workarounds, and ways to work together on that in order to fulfill the end result. But even then, what you're talking about is at least partly psychological, as that would mean-- again, in a committed, supposedly loving relationship-- the person has made intimacy 100% solely about physicality.

lindsey1979

My mother gained a large amount of weight after having breast cancer and the after cancer pills don't really help (she gets pains etc) and in all honesty i can tell that my dad isn't as attracted to her, he sometimes makes small remarks and isn't as happy to be out with her.

They love each other but there comes a point where you need to look after yourself, physically and emotionally and as long as you're trying then the partner should be supportive and help them reach their goals. However if they are not trying and don't care then you can't blame them for leaving or being rude i guess.

The small remarks an not wanting to be out in public would be my main concern. He almost lost the love of his life and to behave that way is just being an *kitten*! I would understand the physical aspect though.

The cancer was over 5 years ago, you have to be on the medication for a long time. My dad has done everything for my mom including moving to australia from South Africa, going back to study while we were young and becoming a successful production manager at Alcoa working all day every day, so i don't appreciate you calling him an *kitten*. I think his attitude is justified because of how big my mother is and how she generally does not care or want to try to change.

Well, there is likely a LOT more going on there than any potential attraction waning on your father's part. Those are BIG life events with a lot of difficult emotions. He could appear to just be less attracted to her because he's emotionally drained for all the big events or a host of other issues (anxiety/worry over her health, money, etc.).

_KitKat_

I think the bigger issue for me wouldn't be the physical change in the body, but the lack of shared activity. I do a lot of stuff with my fiance that would be much harder at a huge weight increase (probably 50 lbs either way would be fine). But if we weren't hiking as much, walking and exploring during our travels, lifting together or paragliding together -- I think our relationship would suffer. But, not because of the weight itself, but because we would have so much less shared time together doing activities we both enjoy which really nurtures our relationship.

I have thought about this before too, I do not think it would be only weight, I think it would be other changes that caused the weight. If my husband gained drastically without a health reason it would freak me out, not because I am vain or don't love him but because it would be way outside his personality to do it. He is active and enjoys being fit, I would worry about him if those things changed. So mentally maybe the reason I feel my hormonal response could change with a drastic weight change is because I know all the changes that would cause this and to me that is not who my husband is.

Some mentioned they were attractive to different partners at different builds, personally what I have always found physically ( yes there is more to it but that is not what my curiosity is about) sexy has been about the same build as my husband. This may be why I wonder if I would be attracted to someone on the larger side.

_KitKat_

My mother gained a large amount of weight after having breast cancer and the after cancer pills don't really help (she gets pains etc) and in all honesty i can tell that my dad isn't as attracted to her, he sometimes makes small remarks and isn't as happy to be out with her.

They love each other but there comes a point where you need to look after yourself, physically and emotionally and as long as you're trying then the partner should be supportive and help them reach their goals. However if they are not trying and don't care then you can't blame them for leaving or being rude i guess.

The small remarks an not wanting to be out in public would be my main concern. He almost lost the love of his life and to behave that way is just being an *kitten*! I would understand the physical aspect though.

The cancer was over 5 years ago, you have to be on the medication for a long time. My dad has done everything for my mom including moving to australia from South Africa, going back to study while we were young and becoming a successful production manager at Alcoa working all day every day, so i don't appreciate you calling him an *kitten*. I think his attitude is justified because of how big my mother is and how she generally does not care or want to try to change.

I am sorry from your post I thought you were saying your mom was trying and your dad was being rude. Talking down to the one you love is never ok, and from your post it sounded like he blamed your mom and was not supporting her.

ChristineRoze

My mother gained a large amount of weight after having breast cancer and the after cancer pills don't really help (she gets pains etc) and in all honesty i can tell that my dad isn't as attracted to her, he sometimes makes small remarks and isn't as happy to be out with her.

They love each other but there comes a point where you need to look after yourself, physically and emotionally and as long as you're trying then the partner should be supportive and help them reach their goals. However if they are not trying and don't care then you can't blame them for leaving or being rude i guess.

The small remarks an not wanting to be out in public would be my main concern. He almost lost the love of his life and to behave that way is just being an *kitten*! I would understand the physical aspect though.

The cancer was over 5 years ago, you have to be on the medication for a long time. My dad has done everything for my mom including moving to australia from South Africa, going back to study while we were young and becoming a successful production manager at Alcoa working all day every day, so i don't appreciate you calling him an *kitten*. I think his attitude is justified because of how big my mother is and how she generally does not care or want to try to change.

Well, there is likely a LOT more going on there than any potential attraction waning on your father's part. Those are BIG life events with a lot of difficult emotions. He could appear to just be less attracted to her because he's emotionally drained for all the big events or a host of other issues (anxiety/worry over her health, money, etc.).

That is true, i guess i just got defensive because i have a lot of respect for him because he's lived his life around my mom haha and she didn't do all that much. Now that we're older she's a lot more involved though. I love them both but she is really big and for someone who has no job, no children that live at home anymore and nothing to do all day i do believe she should do more to get healthy especially since she got a second chance at life, its a bit disappointing sometimes. She's been walking lately so i hope it helps her.

missabeez

My fiancé has seen me at my lowest, 150, and my highest, 205. The only thing that changed was that I did not feeel sexy the more I gained. Losing again has definitely improved my libido. He finds me attractive either way.

We do more walking and hiking as I lose weight since I don't feel like being a couch potato anymore.

lindsey1979

Even when you're talking purely physical basis of attraction, I think there are just a range of tastes. For example, my fiance has clearly expressed a big attraction for a pretty face, so I he has a lot more flexibility on the body. We met when I was close to my heaviest -- and he hasn't even seen me looking at my best weight -- and when I asked him about weight issues, he said something to the effect of "you're a really pretty girl with just a little extra weight right now..."

And as I started to lose weight, the only question/comment he made was asking me how much my face was going to change -- I showed him old picture and the face change isn't drastic, just more prominent cheekbones for the most part.

But, if you a person that's much more focused on body/build, this could be the exact opposite. And, I imagine this just varies from person-to-person.

DeadliftAddict

Physical attraction matters.

Cathalain

For those of you that think it's ok to walk away from a relationship due to weight gain or loss, would you still walk away if the change of physical appearance was due to something different say an accident, scarring, disease?

That was sort of a criteria of mine for determining whether or not I'd be truly happy with a person at one point. Did I really love them based on who they were now vs. who they might become; that sort of thing.

My husband, right now, has long, beautiful hair. But I'm well aware that in 20 or 30 years, that hair will be gone, whether it's because he's going bald or long hair will just look ridiculous on a 70 year old man, etc. I always joke with him that "if you ever cut your hair I'll divorce you!" - but even if he loses it through whatever means, I'll still adore him just as much as I do now.

We all age. We'll all get wrinkles, lose hair, gain or lose weight, etc. It's a fact of life. Those who depend on physical characteristics to make them feel like they have worth, they're the ones that are going to lose out.

For us in particular, we find that losing the weight (both of us, as he's also lost 40+ pounds) has allowed us to connect on deeper levels - we were always attracted on a mental and emotional basis, but now that we're healthier, we can connect better on a physical level as well. Would either of us be as attracted if we gained the weight back? Sure, because we were in the first place - but we'd both miss out on so much that we have now, you know?

Does this makes any sense?