Touchy subject.......Regarding Physical Attraction

_KitKat_

To me, the biggest thing here is to forget about the blame game. Once you go down that path, for whatever reason, people tend to get defensive (as most blaming is going to be viewed as an attack) and the whole situation gets a lot worse. I always think it's better to focus on what solutions would work and work on implementing/supporting them rather than focus on fault/blame (which to me is only helpful to identify underlying problems).

I agree 100%, the question was raised because on the forums a lot of blame gets placed and I was wondering about why people felt either way.

_KitKat_

If my husband or I gained a significant amount of weight, neither of us would be physically attracted to each other. At least not how we are now. I do know if I lose or gain 20 pounds he will be fine with that. Anything more in either direction and he is unlikely to be as attracted to me. That doesn't mean he won't love me. That doesn't mean we won't have sex. That doesn't mean we won't have fun. It does mean he probably won't get playful and tease me while we're out with the little private things partners can do (whispers, etc).

If he gained a lot of weight, I probably wouldn't stare at him every time he took his clothes off.

We aren't together because we are physically attracted to each other, but it is a fun part of the relationship. I can't blame him for not wanting me to get fatter. I don't either. I actually can't understand why he doesn't care if I lose weight as I think i could stand to lose enough weight to make a pretty big difference

I think if people walk away from each other because they aren't attracted to each other any longer, there probably isn't a great relationship foundation to begin with. If we weren't attracted together we'd still be together, still love each other, but that extra element would b emissing - and I'd be sad.

Thank you, I should have had you write my post, this is how I feel.

seltzermint555

"I hear all the time looks don't matter, but I would have never gotten to know how wonderful my husband is if I wasn't attracted to him in the first place and vice versa. "

I guess for me this doesn't totally hold true. I met my husband online, and I already liked him before we met face to face but from his photos (several different pics from different times in his life) I really had no idea if he was around 170 lb or 300+ lb and I truly didn't care. He turned out to weigh in low 200s (at well over 6' tall) and have a body that was incredibly HAWT. But I didn't know that. I liked his personality, his clever messages, his taste in music, his red hair and beard. I didn't really know what his body looked like or if he was as tall as he said (a lot of guys aren't). If he had actually been 5'7" and 350 lb I would have still wanted to date him and get to know him.

But yeah I know not everyone's like that...for some people the physical details ARE really important. I think the worst though is if the physical details are really important to someone but in the interest of being more "accepting" they claim they don't mind a big weight gain or loss...that's just dishonest. I have more respect for someone who is brutally honest.

SillyC2

So if you're of the attitude that "unless I'm physically attracted to my partner I'm out" well.. I hope you have a thing for 60 years olds. We don't stay young forever. And it's nice to have a partner you love and care about enough to stick with and grow old together.

This is both hilarious and very true!

veganbaum

I hear all the time looks don't matter, but I would have never gotten to know how wonderful my husband is if I wasn't attracted to him in the first place and vice versa. Overall small changes the spark remains, just changing into something completely the opposite of what the other finds physically attractive I can not see blaming the other person.

Have you considered that not every human being has the same basis for being attracted to others?

When you say you wouldn't have come to know how wonderful your husband is if you weren't "attracted" to him in the first place, I am assuming you mean physically attracted.

Plenty of people need that initial physicial attraction, but there are also many who don't. In fact, I think there's even a term for those who need to have an emotional connection with someone before they can find them physically attarctive - demisexual, I think?

So, just wanted to point out that some people are initially attracted to another physically (and may need to be initially attracted in that manner before they can form an emotional connection), while there are others who are intially attracted to another for many, many other reasons, and the physical attraction follows. This is not a male/female thing or anything like that, it's just an individual variation.

SillyC2

But it's not just weight.... how many people pull a John Edwards and head for greener pastures the very moment that their loved one becomes somehow less than physically perfect? I think the rough thing is that, if you're healthy when you meet your "loved one", you never know if they are the type to do this.

eelamme

bump

aklove907

My libido is more based on my own body and how I feel about it. My husband has been sexually attracted to me at 190 pounds, all the way down to 135, everything in between, and even 40 weeks pregnant. As long as I feel good with myself, our sex life is just fine.

I have found this to be true also.

Apple31415

In a small way, i've battled this. In the past, whenever i would lose some weight, my wife would comment something along the lines of not getting too small with a slightly disapproving look - this was always extremely demotivating. She likes me husky but i don't like carrying the extra weight. I'm losing weight for me this time and as long as i maintain muscle with some strength training, she can't complain i guess. Strange to have someone almost wanting you to be out of shape...BTW, we met and married when i was 190 lbs and very fit and she prefers me at 280?? That's just wack.

PippiNe

My libido is more based on my own body and how I feel about it. My husband has been sexually attracted to me at 190 pounds, all the way down to 135, everything in between, and even 40 weeks pregnant. As long as I feel good with myself, our sex life is just fine.

^ This. When I weighed 160lbs, I didn't feel sexy anymore. My hubby still loved me and found me sexy, but I didn't feel that way. Losing weight has allowed me to feel sexy again. Now if I could just shed 15 years or so - lol!

jwooley13

My boyfriend and I put on a decent amount of weight since we started dating. However, he has put on significantly more that I have, and it's all around his belly (imagine a giant beer belly on a fresh faced, 23 year old former prom king). I still love him, but I've had a really hard time finding him sexy these days. I know that he feels self conscious about it too, but is having a hard time making that lifestyle change. I think all I can do for now is to be supportive and work on improving myself. I'm hoping that he will follow when he sees how much happier and more confident I am!

jennk5309

Hugs to the people who say their spouses are no longer attracted to them So sorry.....

_KitKat_

"I hear all the time looks don't matter, but I would have never gotten to know how wonderful my husband is if I wasn't attracted to him in the first place and vice versa. "

I guess for me this doesn't totally hold true. I met my husband online, and I already liked him before we met face to face but from his photos (several different pics from different times in his life) I really had no idea if he was around 170 lb or 300+ lb and I truly didn't care. He turned out to weigh in low 200s (at well over 6' tall) and have a body that was incredibly HAWT. But I didn't know that. I liked his personality, his clever messages, his taste in music, his red hair and beard. I didn't really know what his body looked like or if he was as tall as he said (a lot of guys aren't). If he had actually been 5'7" and 350 lb I would have still wanted to date him and get to know him.

But yeah I know not everyone's like that...for some people the physical details ARE really important. I think the worst though is if the physical details are really important to someone but in the interest of being more "accepting" they claim they don't mind a big weight gain or loss...that's just dishonest. I have more respect for someone who is brutally honest.

I also think things vary by how you met and what drew you together. I have been with my husband 17 yrs so that was before internet. Looks are not what I was looking for in a partner but his looks are what made me take notice of him in a crowd. I also know that if I didn't look the way I did, he would never have approached me. Now would I still have fallen for him if I met him in a way I got to know his personality first, YES my husband is great. I find everything about him sexy, but if he increased his size by a drastic amount, I am just not sure I would want to jump in the shower with him every night or grab him when he is changing. I would still want to be with him and intimate...just the urge might change. Then again maybe it wouldn't, like I have stated I just don't know since I have never been in that situation. Also in my case a drastic change in my husband would also mean mental and personality changes for him. So he really would be a different person in many ways.


Had to add, leaving my husband for any reason has never occurred to me, I am confused by the people talking about people walking out for a physical change. There are many aspects to a relationship and hormonal attraction is just one of many things.

Also the person that posted about how sexual attraction occurs for some physical then mental and for others the opposite that is really interesting. I know men are normally more visual but I never really have thought about what you had mentioned.

Gwennie9476

This! My husband and I joined here because I am trying to win the fight against NOT getting diabetes which my whole family has and he is trying to get fit so he doesn't have a heart attack at 40! He loves me not just for my looks, but my goofiness, my talent, the way I love him...He is an amazing man and if I gained up to 600 pounds he would love me and my attractiveness to him wouldn't wan if he got bigger or smaller.

I love him because he is sweet to me, cares for me, doesn't beat me or berate me. He tells me I am pretty. We are both very lucky people.

To me it is not the looks so much as the brains and the personality.

ruthki

My husband loved me and was physically attracted at my biggest. True love for a person comes within not physical. I beleive there has to be physical attraction to begin a relationship but once the love bug bites this shouldn't matter. Lets face it even if we arent over weight we are not going to look as good at 50 as we did at 20. That's life. If a person truly loves someone they might have a desire for what they want that person to weigh or look like but the love is still there. My husband told me he wanted me to lose for health reasons more than the way it looked. He told me that is why our eyes start going bad around 40 so we will not see the change. Lets face it a wife that births children and with years of growing older there is going to be changes. God intended for us to love our spouse as ourselves. Good marriages have the foundation of true love and what we look like should not cause problems in a marriage.

gemmamummy

Peoples tastes change over the years. When I first met my hubby, he liked stick thin women, now 8 years on he loves the whole hourglass thing. I also used to prefer all muscles, now I don't mind a bit of a belly on a fella!

cuinboston2014

I guess I want to add just one more thing to this.... for my husband and I to gain weight, that would mean we either started unhealthy diet habits or stopped going to the gym or a combination of the two. We were both active and healthy before we met (I've always wanted to lose the "last 10 pounds") and it's still a big part of our relationship. We enjoy eating healthy and working out together. For one of us to put on weight it would mean that these things that we currently share together and have become a big part of our relationship would be falling apart - which would be more of an issue than the physical attraction piece.

I KNOW that not everyone has an active significant other, but I realize for us it's a huge part of our daily lives.

There's also something to be said for the added physical attraction I feel after working out together. We really only get to the gym together once a week, otherwise it's normally separate, but after those days I'm alllllllllllll ready to go

ETA: I do understand that in 10 or 15 years we will both look different. I'm fine with that

lensperry

I think it's hard for everyone to agree on this because what is physically attractive to one isn't necessarily to others. My husband isn't too big, but he's around 230lbs. Some might not be attracted to him, but I am. He has a nice beard and I like that - beautiful green eyes. Really strong legs. Of course that isn't all that attracted me to him - he's super smart, a good dad. He has also loved me at my thinnest (when we met) and at my heaviest now, about 100 lbs difference. He's still attracted to me now. He likes all kind of things about me and isn't afraid to give me compliments. He's also extremely supportive of what I'm doing here by trying to get healthier. I notice that I have a lower drive due to body issues that I have, but my weight hasn't changed his drive at all!

Physical attraction and sex are important, but there's SO much more to a good relationship than that.

paulawatkins1974

Yes, touchy subject.

I was the woman who wrote the post.

There were things going on that I didn't tell in the post because I didn't think it mattered. But evidently it seems to.

Not only were we have money issues at the time, but we were planning on moving to another city for his new job (leaving my stable one behind). He was also starting to lay down plans in the background for an affair with my friend at the time. Of which I had caught wind and was trying to stop it. It wasn't until I found out they were getting married that my fears were not "silly" and "a figment of my imagination." We had rules in the house I was expected to follow. Such as, I couldn't talk to his family about anything but weather and their health. If we did go out and see people, I would get a run down on the way home about what I did that embarrassed (I have Severe ADHD (possible autism) and social encounters for me are stressful and I don't do well sometimes. I have improved on that over the years). If I was watching TV he would walk in and say "are you really going to watch that?" and if I didn't join him to watch WWF with him, I would be chastised for not supporting him. And the list goes on and on.,..

The truth of the matter is, I knew he wasn't that much attracted to me because of the weight, I just wanted him to admit that other stresses could be part of it too. And at the time I was on a diet and had lost about 20 lbs. It was just the last straw for me.

I am now for the first time in over 13 years am again doing something about my weight to get it off permanently.

I was trying to tell the woman she didn't have to take it from her hubby and that was why I posted so she would know I knew where she was coming from.

This is not the first time someone has basically said that it's natural for that to happen. My mom did by telling me that I use be used to it and plan on it happening. (I didn't speak to her for over a year because of this while I worked on myself, of which i regret terribly now.) However, I feel that he could of done it better than saying. "If your A** hasn't grown so big we wouldn't have this problem" or "Why are you crying? You should of known this would happen, you ate that food." and "Well, if you don't like what I have to say, move out."

So, yes...ED is a physical reaction to a woman if you want to have sex with her. But it's not all physical. There emotional aspects too. In retrospect I think the ED was the symptom of a man who planning on having me cook and clean and help with bills, while he had his cake on the side.

Now he's married with a kid with my friend (which chaps my butt because he told me we weren't ready to be parents and that he didn't want kids.....what he meant was he didn't want a kid with me. LOL)

Ok..verbal diarrhea over. Sorry if I got acidic. This is a very sore topic for me but I felt maybe ya'll needed the other half of the story.

This sucks. Really sucks. I'm sorry for what you went through. I can see your pic. You are beautiful and you will find someone who deserves you. Getting healthy is a great decision for you and you only. Karma is awesome. Watch your friend get older and gain weight and he'll do the same to her. Or even better, watch HER leave HIM for someone she likes better. I know it still hurts but time is a great healer.

JoyeII

If the only reason you have sex with our significant other is because he/she has a hot body (e.g. you're physically attracted to him/her), then your relationship isn't worth much to begin with.

jennk5309

If there's personality changes along with it......

You bring up an excellent point, which kind of piggybacks off of what another poster said above that it's more about how *she* feels about herself (and thus her hubby has been attracted to her at various weights she's been at over the years)...

Some people start to feel really unattractive when they gain weight and I think this affects their "energy/aura", which can spill out to their SO, if that makes sense. In other words, the confidence, sassiness, sensuality, etc. that perhaps was a major part of what attracted them to their SO in the first place, may start to wane because the weight-gaining SO feels ashamed of themselves. So now the non weight-gaining SO not only has a different *looking* person than they married, they have a different *acting* person as well. I can see how that would be tough to deal with beyond the "physical" aspects of the issue.

So true....my husband finds me most attractive when I am spunky and impassioned about things (my interests, ideas, hobbies etc.), and when I feel good about myself. When I'm feeling depressed, unattractive or just not interested in much in life, I can tell he's less attracted. So here's to the last three months of nausea and exhaustion from pregnancy and how dull it's made me! Yay!! Thankfully, he's also compassionate and understands why I'm not exactly "me" right now....

1Cor1510

I have found myself physically attracted to many different "types". For me, chemistry isn't about physical attraction, it's about personality. I dated 6'2" blonde very fit guys, and 6' dark hair "heavier", guys, and ultimately ended up marrying a 5'6" very thin guy. I was physically attracted to all of them. Ultimately, it was the best personality and lifestyle fit that made the decision for me. Hubs is still very thin and muscular, 20 years later. He's put up with 80+ lb shifts in weight on my part (particularly during pregnancies, but I weigh 40 lbs more than when he met me now and the sex is better than ever

I guess what I'm saying is you can be physically attracted to someone, but if the rest of the foundation isn't there, it's going to show up somehow. If they use SO weight gain or loss as the primary excuse, fine, but there were probably other issues that tanked the relationship way before the weight issue ever showed up.

weird_me2

I think that physical attraction definitely changes based on looks - that's why it's physical. Looks aren't just weight related, either.

When my DH and I met, he had facial hair. It worked on him. I find him less attractive when he shaves it off. I was seriously not happy with him when he shaved for our wedding - he did it because he felt that it was respectful to be clean shaved for such a big event. Recently, he grew a beard - not a Duck Dynasty beard, but a nice, trim beard. I found it hot! He shaved it off a few months ago and I commented that I still liked him better with the facial hair. He grew it back and has kept it since then out of deference to my preferences.

I also think that physical attraction changes based on how we present ourselves. When I was working out regularly and putting in time at the gym and feeling good about myself, my DH seemed much more attracted to me even though I was 50 lbs heavier than when we met. Obviously it's something about the way I move and carry myself when I feel good about myself that does it for him. Most people who gain a lot of weight do change personality wise, too. Attitudes change, moods change, feelings change. I don't know that I've met anyone who has gained or lost 50 or 100 pounds and was the exact same in all ways except the weight.

I don't believe that marriages are disposable, so weight isn't a deciding factor on if we stay married or not, but it is a deciding factor in our overall happiness. I'm just not the same person when I'm overeating and gaining weight as I am when I'm taking care of myself.

jennk5309

"I hear all the time looks don't matter, but I would have never gotten to know how wonderful my husband is if I wasn't attracted to him in the first place and vice versa. "


That is a very important sentence. I've heard that my whole life when I thought I was just ugly...never fat but I felt unattractive. Then when I realized that I'm not ugly, that I'm actually quite good looking, the inner damage was already done. I love my face and hair and lips and all that jazz, and I love my body (when it's fit), but it's still hard to believe that people look beyond the outside. The first thing I look at in a person is their eyes, their face and the over all package (not THAT package, har har, well not yet.) I believe it's the same with men, even more so. It's an unfair world but it is what it is. But, if they talk and they are horrible and shallow or violent or thuggish or whatever, It doesn't matter if they are really nice looking. I don't think it works like that for men. They seem to put up with horrible behavior from women. I'm probably wrong; I'm usually wrong.

But, now that I am a "grown up" it's hard for me to be angry with men not being attracted to me. I believe my attitude suffered some permanent damage in which I can be friends with men, they can be attracted to me but when I think I like someone, something happens in my personality that scares them away. Maybe it's eagerness, maybe it's that fallacy that you can't let them know you are interested, and I guess my final answer is that I DON'T F**KING KNOW anymore and I'm just going to keep working out, be my regular fun, friendly, fabulous and crazy self, keep having platonic male and frmeal friends and if some guy likes the whole package, they can do the asking. I'm not showing my hand anymore, hmmmph!

Don't know where this fits in the thread but I had to get that out.


Thanks for an interesting post, grrlfriend.

You just haven't met the right person yet. Hang in there, it will happen
Took me 37 years....

ritan7471

Agreed, there are plenty of medical problems that can cause impotence or lowered sex drive, and while sex is important it's not a dealbreaker if you're committed to the marriage you have and not some ideal of what intimacy means.

Though if one partner is suffering from this and doesn't want to talk about it, I can see how the other partner would take a huge shot to self esteem: "what's wrong with me, why doesn't he/she want me anymore? Is it because I lost weight? gained weight? got some wrinkles?" etc.

_KitKat_

When I posted this thread I was more thinking along the lines of the women that will post and say how wonderful her husband is but he recently told them (after being badgered when she notices a reduction in flirting and his libido) that with the huge amount of weight she gained he is having a hard time being attracted to her in the physical way. The woman can mention they still have sex and that he is affectionate and so perfect but when people hear that he admitted his libido has declined since she gained (weather from looks or her mentality changes or the combination) The responses that will pour in is "how dare he say that" (she asked) "He is not great he is a pig and shallow". This scenario is not the post that got my mind on the topic but it is one I have seen a few times. On the same token many times if a woman posts that she is getting into great shape and her lazy husband just won't work on his health. She will then be told by most "how to help him change" or they will label him "insecure" "lazy" "not supportive". and if she mentions her libido is lower because of this, she will get understanding remarks and encouragement where the guy would be a troll or worse if he had made the exact same post.

Also I wasn't really talking about "ed" in the main post I should have worded it better I more meant things just are not the same or really happening in bed all the way to him experiencing ed.

jennk5309

My husband has stuck with me through some extreme physical changes and been loving throughout. The only time the attraction ever waned for either of us is when one of us wasn't taking care of ourselves. We've both gone through periods where we "gave up" and the frustration of seeing someone you love sit on a sofa and do nothing is what isn't attractive.

And when I say extreme physical changes, I mean it. Extreme weight gain with my first pregnancy, and even cancer, baldness and mastectomy, he was still always telling me how attractive he found me. I've been attracted to him from 180 to 240 pounds.

That is so sweet.....

lindsey1979

When I posted this thread I was more thinking along the lines of the women that will post and say how wonderful her husband is but he recently told them (after being badgered when she notices a reduction in flirting and his libedo) that with the huge amount of weight she gained he is having a hard time being attracted to her in the physical way. The woman can mention they still have sex and that he is affectionate and so perfect but when people hear that he admitted his libido has declined since she gained (weather from looks or her mentality changes or the combination) The responses that will pour in is "how dare he say that" (she asked) "He is not great he is a pig and shallow". This scenario is not the post that got my mind on the topic but it is one I have seen a few times. On the same token many times if a woman posts that she is in getting into great shape and her lazy husband just won't work on his health. She will then be told by most "how to help him change" or they will label him "insecure" "lazy" "not supportive". and if she mentions her libido is lower because of this, she will get understanding remarks and encouragement where the guy would be a troll or worse if he had made the exact same post.

Also I wasn't really talking about "ed" in the main post I should have worded it better I more meant things just are not the same or really happening in bed all the way to him experiences ed.

Well, I think a lot of the point of many people's responses here is that for many attraction/chemistry is dependent on MANY factors. So that although the body may change, it may not kill attraction chemistry, though that varies from person to person. Someone that gains 100 lbs -- there is a lot more going than just the weight that is likely affecting the relationship. If it's only a gain of 20 lbs and your partner loses all interest, your overall relationship is likely pretty weak if 20 lbs kills the attraction. Or at least this is the case in long term, committed relationships. If we're talking booty calls, totally different set of rules.

Jestinia

When I posted this thread I was more thinking along the lines of the women that will post and say how wonderful her husband is but he recently told them (after being badgered when she notices a reduction in flirting and his libido) that with the huge amount of weight she gained he is having a hard time being attracted to her in the physical way. The woman can mention they still have sex and that he is affectionate and so perfect but when people hear that he admitted his libido has declined since she gained (weather from looks or her mentality changes or the combination) The responses that will pour in is "how dare he say that" (she asked) "He is not great he is a pig and shallow". This scenario is not the post that got my mind on the topic but it is one I have seen a few times. On the same token many times if a woman posts that she is getting into great shape and her lazy husband just won't work on his health. She will then be told by most "how to help him change" or they will label him "insecure" "lazy" "not supportive". and if she mentions her libido is lower because of this, she will get understanding remarks and encouragement where the guy would be a troll or worse if he had made the exact same post.

Also I wasn't really talking about "ed" in the main post I should have worded it better I more meant things just are not the same or really happening in bed all the way to him experiencing ed.

Put this way, it's a little bit different, at least for me.

I won't be having any more children, so barring injury or sickness, if I start dating a man at my current weight and then gain 20+ pounds on him, he's welcome to be annoyed if he doesn't find it attractive and tell me so (politely). Then I can decide which I prefer, keeping him happy or keeping the pounds. If I consider him worth it and he wasn't rude and abusive about how he brought up the subject, I'd probably decide to keep him happy.

_KitKat_

When I posted this thread I was more thinking along the lines of the women that will post and say how wonderful her husband is but he recently told them (after being badgered when she notices a reduction in flirting and his libedo) that with the huge amount of weight she gained he is having a hard time being attracted to her in the physical way. The woman can mention they still have sex and that he is affectionate and so perfect but when people hear that he admitted his libido has declined since she gained (weather from looks or her mentality changes or the combination) The responses that will pour in is "how dare he say that" (she asked) "He is not great he is a pig and shallow". This scenario is not the post that got my mind on the topic but it is one I have seen a few times. On the same token many times if a woman posts that she is in getting into great shape and her lazy husband just won't work on his health. She will then be told by most "how to help him change" or they will label him "insecure" "lazy" "not supportive". and if she mentions her libido is lower because of this, she will get understanding remarks and encouragement where the guy would be a troll or worse if he had made the exact same post.

Also I wasn't really talking about "ed" in the main post I should have worded it better I more meant things just are not the same or really happening in bed all the way to him experiences ed.

Well, I think a lot of the point of many people's responses here is that for many attraction/chemistry is dependent on MANY factors. So that although the body may change, it may not kill attraction chemistry, though that varies from person to person. Someone that gains 100 lbs -- there is a lot more going than just the weight that is likely affecting the relationship. If it's only a gain of 20 lbs and your partner loses all interest, your overall relationship is likely pretty weak if 20 lbs kills the attraction. Or at least this is the case in long term, committed relationships. If we're talking booty calls, totally different set of rules.

I just think many judge harshly. a libido changing because of what a partner views as a massive change in the other I do not think should be insulted. For myself there are many factors on why I find my husband sexy, but there is still those strip him with my teeth because he looks so damn good moments. That is the urge I could see changing.

I also think different people have different things they find physically attractive. I was not asking if someone could be physically attracted to a larger person, just view points on massive physical change. Personally I like have my main attraction to my husband that has almost nothing to do with looks but it does increase libido to also have the physical attraction. I like having both.