Touchy subject.......Regarding Physical Attraction

_KitKat_

When I posted this thread I was more thinking along the lines of the women that will post and say how wonderful her husband is but he recently told them (after being badgered when she notices a reduction in flirting and his libido) that with the huge amount of weight she gained he is having a hard time being attracted to her in the physical way. The woman can mention they still have sex and that he is affectionate and so perfect but when people hear that he admitted his libido has declined since she gained (weather from looks or her mentality changes or the combination) The responses that will pour in is "how dare he say that" (she asked) "He is not great he is a pig and shallow". This scenario is not the post that got my mind on the topic but it is one I have seen a few times. On the same token many times if a woman posts that she is getting into great shape and her lazy husband just won't work on his health. She will then be told by most "how to help him change" or they will label him "insecure" "lazy" "not supportive". and if she mentions her libido is lower because of this, she will get understanding remarks and encouragement where the guy would be a troll or worse if he had made the exact same post.

Also I wasn't really talking about "ed" in the main post I should have worded it better I more meant things just are not the same or really happening in bed all the way to him experiencing ed.

Put this way, it's a little bit different, at least for me.

I won't be having any more children, so barring injury or sickness, if I start dating a man at my current weight and then gain 20+ pounds on him, he's welcome to be annoyed if he doesn't find it attractive and tell me so (politely). Then I can decide which I prefer, keeping him happy or keeping the pounds. If I consider him worth it and he wasn't rude and abusive about how he brought up the subject, I'd probably decide to keep him happy.

This is how I feel, my husband has never had an issue with my weight and I am 35 lbs from when we met. He has had zero reaction also but I know he would not want me gaining another 35lbs, my body shape would change much more then and from knowing him I know that is not his idea on a sexy woman, he would still love me and make love but he most likely would be less of a perv...I like him being a perv:blushing: . I am losing my weight for myself but it is a bonus to think I get to give my husband a sexy healthy wife at the same time.
Now if he met me larger and developed an attitude or *kitten* gave me an attitude now about it, he could kiss off.

lindsey1979

When I posted this thread I was more thinking along the lines of the women that will post and say how wonderful her husband is but he recently told them (after being badgered when she notices a reduction in flirting and his libedo) that with the huge amount of weight she gained he is having a hard time being attracted to her in the physical way. The woman can mention they still have sex and that he is affectionate and so perfect but when people hear that he admitted his libido has declined since she gained (weather from looks or her mentality changes or the combination) The responses that will pour in is "how dare he say that" (she asked) "He is not great he is a pig and shallow". This scenario is not the post that got my mind on the topic but it is one I have seen a few times. On the same token many times if a woman posts that she is in getting into great shape and her lazy husband just won't work on his health. She will then be told by most "how to help him change" or they will label him "insecure" "lazy" "not supportive". and if she mentions her libido is lower because of this, she will get understanding remarks and encouragement where the guy would be a troll or worse if he had made the exact same post.

Also I wasn't really talking about "ed" in the main post I should have worded it better I more meant things just are not the same or really happening in bed all the way to him experiences ed.

Well, I think a lot of the point of many people's responses here is that for many attraction/chemistry is dependent on MANY factors. So that although the body may change, it may not kill attraction chemistry, though that varies from person to person. Someone that gains 100 lbs -- there is a lot more going than just the weight that is likely affecting the relationship. If it's only a gain of 20 lbs and your partner loses all interest, your overall relationship is likely pretty weak if 20 lbs kills the attraction. Or at least this is the case in long term, committed relationships. If we're talking booty calls, totally different set of rules.

I just think many judge harshly. a libido changing because of what a partner views as a massive change in the other I do not think should be insulted. For myself there are many factors on why I find my husband sexy, but there is still those strip him with my teeth because he looks so damn good moments. That is the urge I could see changing.

I also think different people have different things they find physically attractive. I was not asking if someone could be physically attracted to a larger person, just view points on massive physical change. Personally I like have my main attraction to my husband that has almost nothing to do with looks but it does increase libido to also have the physical attraction. I like having both.

See, this is where I don't think we're quite on the same page. You seem to be equating sexiness/physical attraction with body weight as if it's a 1:1 correlation. And for many people, I don't think that's necessarily true -- other things come into play like how he smells, how he carries himself, how he touches you -- that are are independent of the weight gain/body issues. So, I think a lot of people are saying if your attraction is so heavily dependent on weight/body image that you are lose all interest, there may be bigger issues at play in your relationship.

But, I do agree with you that it is a sliding scale. The bigger the change, the bigger of an issue it often is for people. Some don't care at all about 100 lb swings, whereas for many, that would likely be some degree of concern. It may considerable dampen attraction or it may only slightly -- very personal thing. But if something smaller like 20 lbs is affecting it, that's a greater concern that a larger part of your relationship is tied to the physical body thing rather than other areas of attraction (let alone other non-physical things like personality). And if the physical body thing is weighted so heavily, that would probably worry a lot of people because at the very least, we all age -- and big things will change from 25 to 55 (or often having babies) regardless of maintaining a healthy weight.

_KitKat_

See, this is where I don't think we're quite on the same page. You seem to be equating sexiness/physical attraction with body weight as if it's a 1:1 correlation. And for many people, I don't think that's necessarily true -- other things come into play like how he smells, how he carries himself, how he touches you -- that are are independent of the weight gain/body issues. So, I think a lot of people are saying if your attraction is so heavily dependent on weight/body image that you are lose all interest, there may be bigger issues at play in your relationship.

But, I do agree with you that it is a sliding scale. The bigger the change, the bigger of an issue it often is for people. Some don't care at all about 100 lb swings, whereas for many, that would likely be some degree of concern. It may considerable dampen attraction or it may only slightly -- very personal thing. But if something smaller like 20 lbs is affecting it, that's a greater concern that a larger part of your relationship is tied to the physical body thing rather than other areas of attraction (let alone other non-physical things like personality). And if the physical body thing is weighted so heavily, that would probably worry a lot of people because at the very least, we all age -- and big things will change from 25 to 55 (or often having babies) regardless of maintaining a healthy weight.

I think I am just not wording it right. I think for myself I mean visual as opposed to physical. Many things I find sexy and know I still would, I just have a huge visual thing too. I also like the feel of his bicep wrapped around me, I like the hardness. I stated earlier for myself I am not sure if really that would change, if it did it would have to be a huge change. My curiosity comes more from my confusion with why someone would feel a person is bad because a massive visual change they didn't particularly like. The things you mention above are the things that make my husband more attractive to me that other visually appealing men, but I still enjoy the visual appeal of him. My question was really about visual since that is what I meant by physical not emotional. So if I gained 100+ I would understand my husband not being visually attracted to me. Most likely I would still be attractive to him just not in a across the room watch me bend over type of way. I do understand people remaining physically attractive to someone through a massive change, I just don't understand insulting someone for feeling a certain way. I prefer honesty with my spouse and want to know what he likes and doesn't if I gained 100+ lbs. I could not hold it against him for not liking the change and many times people on the forums seem to think if someone doesn't like something, they are just shallow and awful. My husband hates my hair red, he said so. He was still attracted to me he just really didn't like the red hair. I wasn't insulted it was something I changed and he voiced his opinion. It stayed red for a while and he lived with it. He was happy when I changed it though.

wolfsbayne

See, this is where I don't think we're quite on the same page. You seem to be equating sexiness/physical attraction with body weight as if it's a 1:1 correlation. And for many people, I don't think that's necessarily true -- other things come into play like how he smells, how he carries himself, how he touches you -- that are are independent of the weight gain/body issues. So, I think a lot of people are saying if your attraction is so heavily dependent on weight/body image that you are lose all interest, there may be bigger issues at play in your relationship.

But, I do agree with you that it is a sliding scale. The bigger the change, the bigger of an issue it often is for people. Some don't care at all about 100 lb swings, whereas for many, that would likely be some degree of concern. It may considerable dampen attraction or it may only slightly -- very personal thing. But if something smaller like 20 lbs is affecting it, that's a greater concern that a larger part of your relationship is tied to the physical body thing rather than other areas of attraction (let alone other non-physical things like personality). And if the physical body thing is weighted so heavily, that would probably worry a lot of people because at the very least, we all age -- and big things will change from 25 to 55 (or often having babies) regardless of maintaining a healthy weight.

I think I am just not wording it right. I think for myself I mean visual as opposed to physical. Many things I find sexy and know I still would, I just have a huge visual thing too. I also like the feel of his bicep wrapped around me, I like the hardness. I stated earlier for myself I am not sure if really that would change, if it did it would have to be a huge change. My curiosity comes more from my confusion with why someone would feel a person is bad because a massive visual change they didn't particularly like. The things you mention above are the things that make my husband more attractive to me that other visually appealing men, but I still enjoy the visual appeal of him. My question was really about visual since that is what I meant by physical not emotional. So if I gained 100+ I would understand my husband not being visually attracted to me. Most likely I would still be attractive to him just not in a across the room watch me bend over type of way. I do understand people remaining physically attractive to someone through a massive change, I just don't understand insulting someone for feeling a certain way. I prefer honesty with my spouse and want to know what he likes and doesn't if I gained 100+ lbs. I could not hold it against him for not liking the change and many times people on the forums seem to think if someone doesn't like something, they are just shallow and awful. My husband hates my hair red, he said so. He was still attracted to me he just really didn't like the red hair. I wasn't insulted it was something I changed and he voiced his opinion. It stayed red for a while and he lived with it. He was happy when I changed it though.

Sometimes, what makes a person visually attractive is their personality and all those other little things. They do for me. Kind of like what I said earlier. The more you know them, the more attractive they are or not.

lindsey1979

See, this is where I don't think we're quite on the same page. You seem to be equating sexiness/physical attraction with body weight as if it's a 1:1 correlation. And for many people, I don't think that's necessarily true -- other things come into play like how he smells, how he carries himself, how he touches you -- that are are independent of the weight gain/body issues. So, I think a lot of people are saying if your attraction is so heavily dependent on weight/body image that you are lose all interest, there may be bigger issues at play in your relationship.

But, I do agree with you that it is a sliding scale. The bigger the change, the bigger of an issue it often is for people. Some don't care at all about 100 lb swings, whereas for many, that would likely be some degree of concern. It may considerable dampen attraction or it may only slightly -- very personal thing. But if something smaller like 20 lbs is affecting it, that's a greater concern that a larger part of your relationship is tied to the physical body thing rather than other areas of attraction (let alone other non-physical things like personality). And if the physical body thing is weighted so heavily, that would probably worry a lot of people because at the very least, we all age -- and big things will change from 25 to 55 (or often having babies) regardless of maintaining a healthy weight.

I think I am just not wording it right. I think for myself I mean visual as opposed to physical. Many things I find sexy and know I still would, I just have a huge visual thing too. I also like the feel of his bicep wrapped around me, I like the hardness. I stated earlier for myself I am not sure if really that would change, if it did it would have to be a huge change. My curiosity comes more from my confusion with why someone would feel a person is bad because a massive visual change they didn't particularly like. The things you mention above are the things that make my husband more attractive to me that other visually appealing men, but I still enjoy the visual appeal of him. My question was really about visual since that is what I meant by physical not emotional. So if I gained 100+ I would understand my husband not being visually attracted to me. Most likely I would still be attractive to him just not in a across the room watch me bend over type of way. I do understand people remaining physically attractive to someone through a massive change, I just don't understand insulting someone for feeling a certain way. I prefer honesty with my spouse and want to know what he likes and doesn't if I gained 100+ lbs. I could not hold it against him for not liking the change and many times people on the forums seem to think if someone doesn't like something, they are just shallow and awful. My husband hates my hair red, he said so. He was still attracted to me he just really didn't like the red hair. I wasn't insulted it was something I changed and he voiced his opinion. It stayed red for a while and he lived with it. He was happy when I changed it though.

Okay, I'm following you on the visual thing now. And, I understand your point. And I think this is often a bigger deal for guys are men are more visually stimulated than women as a general rule.

Unfortunately, it's a complicated topic and not as simple as changing hair color or facial hair (and far more personal for most people). So, I imagine that's why people are very sensitive about it, especially as it can feel like someone has really devalued a person when they say that they're no longer attracted to them (or can't get it up) because of a weight gain. If it's a huge weight gain, I think people understand it more. But, even that said, it can be sort of like kicking someone when they're down and seem like the person is trying to control his/her partner -- as if his/her sexual visual interest is the only thing that's important.

So, it's a nuanced situation and one that likely needs to be handled with compassion and delicacy for most people rather than telling someone that they no longer find their partner attractive because he/she gained 30 lbs. Most people that gain a good deal of weight aren't unaware that they likely are less sexy or appealing to many people -- in fact, they're likely acutely aware of that and probably very much worried that they're less appealing to their partners. So, to hear that from the one person that's supposed to be your safe place can be particularly awful and feel like your totality as a human being and good partner has been incredibly devalued and minimized.

I think rather than focusing on that, such a person is likely to benefit a lot more by offering solutions and trying to implement/support those solutions than focusing on the fact that he/she is less attracted to his/her partner because of weight gain. In fact, it may be a good exercise for them to try and focus on other areas of potential physical attraction than just the visual.

stealthq

I'm not sure how anyone can really say that there isn't a point beyond which you'd look at your mate and not be physically attracted to them. If I see someone on their deathbed, those sorts of thoughts are going to be so far from my mind they are non-existant, and anyone can certainly eat themselves or starve themselves into that condition. It doesn't mean I'd love them any less.

_KitKat_

Sometimes, what makes a person visually attractive is their personality and all those other little things. They do for me. Kind of like what I said earlier. The more you know them, the more attractive they are or not.

I agree with attraction growing because of the person. The word visual is actually using a sense to see a physical manifestation no emotion or thought involved. I think that is where a lot of the confusion is coming from. When I say physical or vision I in no way am speaking about knowledge, emotion or any other factor. Sorta if I saw my husband in a crowded room and had no prior knowledge of him, he would still get my attention. That would be changed if there was a massive change. As one woman noted before, when she gained weight her husband was less flirtatious and there was a minor decrease in libido, they still had a great relationship and sex. Now that she is losing the weight his interest is increased and sex life better than anything. Her husband is not a shallow guy for this, his turn-ons are probably visually based (also why many men like porn) this does not mean he loves her less or any of the other things some have said. She most likely feels better and has more confidence too which for most is a huge turn-on.

If someone has a large physical change I can see the partner having a slightly or in some cases depending on how visual the person was massive change in physical (primal) attraction to the other.I also think if a partner feels this way it is better to confront, otherwise it could manifest into more.

corgarian

Granted back when my ex and I were falling apart we had a lot of other issues, but he just took terrible care of himself, never watched what he ate, never cared about his fitness and he just got bigger and bigger, and one day after a fight I just told him that I was not attracted to him anymore.
I still regret saying those words to him, because he looked so hurt... but they were true.

His weight wasnt what tore our relationship apart, but his utter lack of respect for his body did nothing to help keep us together.

In my current relationship, my boyfriends body isnt perfect, but he does happily eat my new healthy cooking, and when he can he comes to the gym with me, and it makes me so happy that he doesnt treat himself like a dumpster.

JMoore221979

I think it matters to a degree. Clearly there is more then just physical attraction but I will be honest and say that if I am dating someone and they put on say 50-60 pounds I am not going to look at them the same. If the roles were reversed would they feel the same way? I don't know maybe.
I also think when you reach a certain age it is maybe easier if that happens but if you are younger I don't see why you wouldn't want to stay in shape for yourself. I know if I gain bodyfat I don't feel as attractive to the opposite sex so who knows maybe its just me...

Aaron_K123

Is it really being a bad person if you are not physically attractive to your significant other because of body changes.

No its perfectly normal and reasonable. Part of attraction is physical attraction based on certain aesthetics. If those aesthetics go away due to weight gain then yes it is perfectly reasonable for the SO to lose attraction. That can be rough on the relationship for both involved but honestly the fault there rests squarely on the member who gained weight.

This is being said by someone who is in the "at fault" category in their relationship by the way. I just own up to it.

It would be unreasonable for me to expect my partner to maintain her level of attraction to me if I put on an extra 40 pounds of flab.

_KitKat_

Okay, I'm following you on the visual thing now. And, I understand your point. And I think this is often a bigger deal for guys are men are more visually stimulated than women as a general rule.

Unfortunately, it's a complicated topic and not as simple as changing hair color or facial hair (and far more personal for most people). So, I imagine that's why people are very sensitive about it, especially as it can feel like someone has really devalued a person when they say that they're no longer attracted to them (or can't get it up) because of a weight gain. If it's a huge weight gain, I think people understand it more. But, even that said, it can be sort of like kicking someone when they're down and seem like the person is trying to control his/her partner -- as if his/her sexual visual interest is the only thing that's important.

So, it's a nuanced situation and one that likely needs to be handled with compassion and delicacy for most people rather than telling someone that they no longer find their partner attractive because he/she gained 30 lbs. Most people that gain a good deal of weight aren't unaware that they likely are less sexy or appealing to many people -- in fact, they're likely acutely aware of that and probably very much worried that they're less appealing to their partners. So, to hear that from the one person that's supposed to be your safe place can be particularly awful and feel like your totality as a human being and good partner has been incredibly devalued and minimized.

I think rather than focusing on that, such a person is likely to benefit a lot more by offering solutions and trying to implement/support those solutions than focusing on the fact that he/she is less attracted to his/her partner because of weight gain. In fact, it may be a good exercise for them to try and focus on other areas of potential physical attraction than just the visual.

I am in no way advocating insulting your SO or making them feel bad about their weight. Most of the examples I have seen (not todays) on the forum the woman asks. I do think it would hurt but instead of people on the forum bashing the guy, which really doesn't help and only makes her feel she is also stupid for being with a jerk, they could try pointing out she asked and he was just being honest. That he stills loves her and is attracted to her in all the other ways, and not to beat herself up because if it was that huge of a deal her husband would have brought it up sooner. Now if he is being an *kitten* then yeah rip him a new one but insults for honesty seems silly.

Aaron_K123

Okay, I'm following you on the visual thing now. And, I understand your point. And I think this is often a bigger deal for guys are men are more visually stimulated than women as a general rule.

Unfortunately, it's a complicated topic and not as simple as changing hair color or facial hair (and far more personal for most people). So, I imagine that's why people are very sensitive about it, especially as it can feel like someone has really devalued a person when they say that they're no longer attracted to them (or can't get it up) because of a weight gain. If it's a huge weight gain, I think people understand it more. But, even that said, it can be sort of like kicking someone when they're down and seem like the person is trying to control his/her partner -- as if his/her sexual visual interest is the only thing that's important.

So, it's a nuanced situation and one that likely needs to be handled with compassion and delicacy for most people rather than telling someone that they no longer find their partner attractive because he/she gained 30 lbs. Most people that gain a good deal of weight aren't unaware that they likely are less sexy or appealing to many people -- in fact, they're likely acutely aware of that and probably very much worried that they're less appealing to their partners. So, to hear that from the one person that's supposed to be your safe place can be particularly awful and feel like your totality as a human being and good partner has been incredibly devalued and minimized.

I think rather than focusing on that, such a person is likely to benefit a lot more by offering solutions and trying to implement/support those solutions than focusing on the fact that he/she is less attracted to his/her partner because of weight gain. In fact, it may be a good exercise for them to try and focus on other areas of potential physical attraction than just the visual.

I am in no way advocating insulting your SO or making them feel bad about their weight. Most of the examples I have seen (not todays) on the forum the woman asks. I do think it would hurt but instead of people on the forum bashing the guy, which really doesn't help and only makes her feel she is also stupid for being with a jerk, they could try pointing out she asked and he was just being honest. That he stills loves her and is attracted to her in all the other ways, and not to beat herself up because if it was that huge of a deal her husband would have brought it up sooner. Now if he is being an *kitten* then yeah rip him a new one but insults for honesty seems silly.

Mine just straight up told me she didn't find me as physically attractive after I had put on about 30 pounds of fat. Straight up told me. That is why I love her, don't have to play mind games with that girl :-). Now its on my end whether or not I feel like I need to do something about that or not. I certainly don't think she was wrong to tell me to my face, quite the opposite...I think it would have been wrong of her not to tell me.

lindsey1979

Okay, I'm following you on the visual thing now. And, I understand your point. And I think this is often a bigger deal for guys are men are more visually stimulated than women as a general rule.

Unfortunately, it's a complicated topic and not as simple as changing hair color or facial hair (and far more personal for most people). So, I imagine that's why people are very sensitive about it, especially as it can feel like someone has really devalued a person when they say that they're no longer attracted to them (or can't get it up) because of a weight gain. If it's a huge weight gain, I think people understand it more. But, even that said, it can be sort of like kicking someone when they're down and seem like the person is trying to control his/her partner -- as if his/her sexual visual interest is the only thing that's important.

So, it's a nuanced situation and one that likely needs to be handled with compassion and delicacy for most people rather than telling someone that they no longer find their partner attractive because he/she gained 30 lbs. Most people that gain a good deal of weight aren't unaware that they likely are less sexy or appealing to many people -- in fact, they're likely acutely aware of that and probably very much worried that they're less appealing to their partners. So, to hear that from the one person that's supposed to be your safe place can be particularly awful and feel like your totality as a human being and good partner has been incredibly devalued and minimized.

I think rather than focusing on that, such a person is likely to benefit a lot more by offering solutions and trying to implement/support those solutions than focusing on the fact that he/she is less attracted to his/her partner because of weight gain. In fact, it may be a good exercise for them to try and focus on other areas of potential physical attraction than just the visual.

I am in no way advocating insulting your SO or making them feel bad about their weight. Most of the examples I have seen (not todays) on the forum the woman asks. I do think it would hurt but instead of people on the forum bashing the guy, which really doesn't help and only makes her feel she is also stupid for being with a jerk, they could try pointing out she asked and he was just being honest. That he stills loves her and is attracted to her in all the other ways, and not to beat herself up because if it was that huge of a deal her husband would have brought it up sooner. Now if he is being an *kitten* then yeah rip him a new one but insults for honesty seems silly.

I agree with you there for the most part. I just thought it was a little extreme to say you can't get it up. Maybe it's just me, but for a lot of guys I know in my life, it would have be really, really bad to get to that level. And something like 40 pounds is not getting close. However, I can also see weight gain as being part of a package of many factors kills such attraction.

__freckles__

There are a lot of women posting in this thread and they are saying, in a nutshell, that looks don’t matter. So as a woman that thinks like a man, let me offer my opinion. For me physical attraction matters. If my SO gained 50 lbs. I most definitely wouldn't be physically attracted to them anymore because I'm not attracted to that body type.

Do I think I’m a bad person? Nope. Shallow? Nope. Just not attracted to that body type. You can't force attraction.

__freckles__

There are a lot of women posting in this thread and they are saying, in a nutshell, that looks don’t matter. So as a woman that thinks like a man, let me offer my opinion. For me physical attraction matters. If my SO gained 50 lbs. I most definitely wouldn't be physically attracted to them anymore because I'm not attracted to that body type.

Do I think I’m a bad person? Nope. Shallow? Nope. Just not attracted to that body type. You can't force attraction.

But would you leave your SO for this reason?

Nope, didn't say that. Wasn't the OP's question.

velvet_violence

Even when you're talking purely physical basis of attraction, I think there are just a range of tastes. For example, my fiance has clearly expressed a big attraction for a pretty face, so I he has a lot more flexibility on the body. We met when I was close to my heaviest -- and he hasn't even seen me looking at my best weight -- and when I asked him about weight issues, he said something to the effect of "you're a really pretty girl with just a little extra weight right now..."

And as I started to lose weight, the only question/comment he made was asking me how much my face was going to change -- I showed him old picture and the face change isn't drastic, just more prominent cheekbones for the most part.

But, if you a person that's much more focused on body/build, this could be the exact opposite. And, I imagine this just varies from person-to-person.

Ooooh this is our story basically to a tee. My husband is all about a pretty face, he notices a slight amount of makeup when I choose to wear it and well, he just finds beauty in so many different types of people. As far as weight range when he dated, he chose women from <100 to >300, as long as he found them attractive about the face. When I first got the hots for him he was a scrawny middle schooler totally brooding by our modules. He says that he noticed me in high school in gym class. Sometimes I walked with the other more fitness challenged gal. I liked to just keep up with the other girls but sometimes I took it slow and apparently he liked something I had even then.

He is excited that I want to be healthier because his mom instilled some values about food and movement that he got and I didn't get at all growing up. In turn I taught him how to stomach things like rich and wonderful desserts. It's nice to share things like that now on top of the things we already had in common. I understand few may not identify with his lack of finickiness, I sure am glad he ch-ch-chose me. Now he's really impressed that he could find me looking sexier than he did before, but I truly don't think he would hold it against me if I didn't keep it up. Life happens, and as mentioned upthread, any day you could lose a physical aspect you appreciate having.

We all have what we would want optimally psychically and otherwise, chances are aren't going to find it, and if you do it's even rarer that that person is 100% into you. He's half grey in his mid-30's and I liked the hair colors the greys replaced. Am I supposed to Clairol him in his sleep?

Booksandbeaches

I'm a woman and if my spouse gained 50+ lbs it would matter to me. It's not shallow to want your spouse to maintain a normal weight for their height. On the same token, if I gained that much I know it would matter to him. We're pretty straightforward with each other. I don't want my partner in life to lie to me to spare my feelings. I prefer gentle honesty over a sugarcoated lie. I want a man with a backbone who can say what he means without being brutal about it.

Physical attraction is important in a relationship. It's not something optional for me. It's not everything, but it has to be a part of the overall picture.

I wouldn't leave my spouse if he gained 50 lbs, but that wasn't the question the original poster asked. I know he wouldn't leave me if I gained that much. But yeah, there would definitely be a few conversations if that happened. But we've talked about other difficult topics, so I'm sure we could handle it together as a couple.

lindsey1979

Hmmm... this is been an interesting idea, and the more I think about it, I'm trying to think about a better male analogy. Because I do believe weight gain is something women tend to be a lot more concerned about than men generally, at least in US society. So, gross overgeneralizations aside, the closest thing I could think of would be a job.

Think if a guy lost his job, and his woman said, "Hey honey when we got together, you were making $100K/year, and now you're making a lot less (or out of work), and I'm not so attracted to you anymore.". A lot of people would call her golddigger right away, right? But what he brought into the relationship would've changed considerably. But, also, if he refused to ever look for a job again and just expected his wife to fully support him, a lot of people would also call him a lazy bum and that she was right for leaving him, right?

So, perhaps it's not totally about the results -- whether that's weight gain or job/income loss -- but a combination of 1) efforts (trying to lose weight or be healthy versus looking for a job), concern/respect for your partner's needs, in both directions (whether it's based on being physically fit is important to your partner or contributing monetarily to the household or in some other way) and compatible lifestyles (30 lbs gain is okay but 100 lbs would to be too much; 50% reduction in income would be okay but never working again wouldn't be -- and adjust numbers to personal preference).

cserg1

I completely understand what you're saying since I'm in a somewhat similar situation.

I've been with my partner for about 5 years now. For years I was confident that I no matter how much weight I would put on I would still be attractive to him and no problems would come out of it.

A year or so ago I started noticing how my partner would always criticize people for their weight (he's super skinny) and when I said something along the lines "I'm worse than him/her" he would just say "oh, you're fine". This happens occasionally but it has come to a point that the "oh, you're fine" has no meaning to me whatsoever.

Perhaps he's still attracted to me, but I no longer feel confident in it. That's just another reason to lose those extra pounds but not even love can beat the feeling of using a smaller pair of pants