Touchy subject.......Regarding Physical Attraction

redheaddee

For me, it's not just the physical aspects that make my SO attractive to me. It's kind of like you see someone that you find insanely hot. Then they open their mouth and don't seem so hot anymore and vice versa. It's everything about him that makes me attracted to him. His personality, the way he looks at me, the way he treats me, the way he touches me. It's not just what he looks like. He gets more and more attractive to me every day just by being him.

THIS X 1 MILLION.

He makes me laugh, he is an amazing father, a total pervert, smart, I could go on. When I met him, he was much heavier than now, when we married, I was much heavier than now, and through it all, we cannot keep our hands off each other. Our largest sex organ is our brain's, and he definately stimulates mine.

NextPage

I think this is a complicated topic. I think that physical attraction is something one doesn't have complete control over and the fact that it is undefinable and intangible is part of the allure.


However, saying mean and insulting things to your partner, who you say you love, is unacceptable and completely controllable. As much as I try to give off a confident, sexy vibe when I'm overweight, I know when I'm slimmer and have the energy that working out gives me, this is something that my partner picks up on and reacts to (lucky me). My parents would have referred to this as "having a swing in your step".

Jestinia

...


This has nothing to do with attraction, or hormonal responses, or any thing like that.

You were dating an *kitten*. Congratulations, you aren't anymore. He's someone else's problem now. Be glad you're free.

:laugh:

_KitKat_

I really think many are misunderstanding, I am PURELY talking physical hormones not LOVE.

So here's where I think you're disconnecting with your original post. You said in your original post that you can't see blaming someone for no longer being physically attracted to their SO if they changed significantly physically. But what you're actually talking about is NOT purely physical/physical hormones OR only physical attraction-- contextually, and based on your original post, you're talking about willingness and ability to perform sexually.

If you were talking a situation where the relationship was 100% purely sexual with no strings or emotions attached, then sure, I'd say you can't blame someone for no longer wanting to get down with the other person.

HOWEVER, in an adult relationship, the willingness and ability to perform sexually are all part of the work involved, and it's not okay, in my book, to write it all off because you're no longer physically attracted to their type. And it's not normal to have erectile dysfunction and blame it 100% on your partner. If the get-up-and-go isn't there due to a lack of physical attraction, there are conversations that can happen around that, counseling, workarounds, and ways to work together on that in order to fulfill the end result. But even then, what you're talking about is at least partly psychological, as that would mean-- again, in a committed, supposedly loving relationship-- the person has made intimacy 100% solely about physicality.

I should have worded my post better, I mentioned parts not working because the post that got me thinking mentioned it. I do not think intimacy should be withheld ever in a relationship, I was really wondering about the urge and physical side to the matter. I have seen women on here say that there SO shows less interest sexually and most start bashing the man. I know many other factors factor in, but purely physical I wanted to know if blame could be placed. My relationship is based on many things sexual attraction is low on the list but it does play a part. I would never stop being affectionate to my husband because of a physical change, just don't know if I would be as excited watching him undress or workout as I am now.

fanny_sachs

Sometime ago I flat out asked husband what he'd do if I put on a lot of weight. He said 'don't do it and we won't have to find out'. I thought it was an honest reply.

ValGogo

"I hear all the time looks don't matter, but I would have never gotten to know how wonderful my husband is if I wasn't attracted to him in the first place and vice versa. "


That is a very important sentence. I've heard that my whole life when I thought I was just ugly...never fat but I felt unattractive. Then when I realized that I'm not ugly, that I'm actually quite good looking, the inner damage was already done. I love my face and hair and lips and all that jazz, and I love my body (when it's fit), but it's still hard to believe that people look beyond the outside. The first thing I look at in a person is their eyes, their face and the over all package (not THAT package, har har, well not yet.) I believe it's the same with men, even more so. It's an unfair world but it is what it is. But, if they talk and they are horrible and shallow or violent or thuggish or whatever, It doesn't matter if they are really nice looking. I don't think it works like that for men. They seem to put up with horrible behavior from women. I'm probably wrong; I'm usually wrong.

But, now that I am a "grown up" it's hard for me to be angry with men not being attracted to me. I believe my attitude suffered some permanent damage in which I can be friends with men, they can be attracted to me but when I think I like someone, something happens in my personality that scares them away. Maybe it's eagerness, maybe it's that fallacy that you can't let them know you are interested, and I guess my final answer is that I DON'T F**KING KNOW anymore and I'm just going to keep working out, be my regular fun, friendly, fabulous and crazy self, keep having platonic male and frmeal friends and if some guy likes the whole package, they can do the asking. I'm not showing my hand anymore, hmmmph!

Don't know where this fits in the thread but I had to get that out.


Thanks for an interesting post, grrlfriend.

lindsey1979

I really think many are misunderstanding, I am PURELY talking physical hormones not LOVE.

So here's where I think you're disconnecting with your original post. You said in your original post that you can't see blaming someone for no longer being physically attracted to their SO if they changed significantly physically. But what you're actually talking about is NOT purely physical/physical hormones OR only physical attraction-- contextually, and based on your original post, you're talking about willingness and ability to perform sexually.

If you were talking a situation where the relationship was 100% purely sexual with no strings or emotions attached, then sure, I'd say you can't blame someone for no longer wanting to get down with the other person.

HOWEVER, in an adult relationship, the willingness and ability to perform sexually are all part of the work involved, and it's not okay, in my book, to write it all off because you're no longer physically attracted to their type. And it's not normal to have erectile dysfunction and blame it 100% on your partner. If the get-up-and-go isn't there due to a lack of physical attraction, there are conversations that can happen around that, counseling, workarounds, and ways to work together on that in order to fulfill the end result. But even then, what you're talking about is at least partly psychological, as that would mean-- again, in a committed, supposedly loving relationship-- the person has made intimacy 100% solely about physicality.

I should have worded my post better, I mentioned parts not working because the post that got me thinking mentioned it. I do not think intimacy should be withheld ever in a relationship, I was really wondering about the urge and physical side to the matter. I have seen women on here say that there SO shows less interest sexually and most start bashing the man. I know many other factors factor in, but purely physical I wanted to know if blame could be placed. My relationship is based on many things sexual attraction is low on the list but it does play a part. I would never stop being affectionate to my husband because of a physical change, just don't know if I would be as excited watching him undress or workout as I am now.

To me, the biggest thing here is to forget about the blame game. Once you go down that path, for whatever reason, people tend to get defensive (as most blaming is going to be viewed as an attack) and the whole situation gets a lot worse. I always think it's better to focus on what solutions would work and work on implementing/supporting them rather than focus on fault/blame (which to me is only helpful to identify underlying problems).

bethlaf

When my husband and I met I was the bigger one, lucky for me , he fell in love with me , and not just my physical appearance, I lost a lot of weight ,(127 lbs) he was still attracted to me , he gained some I am still attracted to him,

However I think for me ,objectively, he was not my "type" body wise that I find appealing,and we discussed this many times over the years so it makes no difference,to a point
I know he has expressed concern now that I am losing again he doesnt want me to be one "of those crossfit women" mainly because its not a type he is attracted to ,
after being together for nearly 13 years I dont think it would be a deal breaker, However i didnt become that "type" when i lost weight before and doubt that i will become that type now
but I do know that for me , my attraction to him has lessened as he has crept closer to 400lbs.
we have discussed it at length

Everyone has preferences and types that cause more or less physical attraction, does it become an issue with weight losss ... Yes and No - depends on the persons involved and the relationship

if one is percieved as fat and weak ,
then loses weight
gains a ton of confidence
and personality to match ,
i can see that changing the relationship dramatically...

cuinboston2014

If my husband or I gained a significant amount of weight, neither of us would be physically attracted to each other. At least not how we are now. I do know if I lose or gain 20 pounds he will be fine with that. Anything more in either direction and he is unlikely to be as attracted to me. That doesn't mean he won't love me. That doesn't mean we won't have sex. That doesn't mean we won't have fun. It does mean he probably won't get playful and tease me while we're out with the little private things partners can do (whispers, etc).

If he gained a lot of weight, I probably wouldn't stare at him every time he took his clothes off.

We aren't together because we are physically attracted to each other, but it is a fun part of the relationship. I can't blame him for not wanting me to get fatter. I don't either. I actually can't understand why he doesn't care if I lose weight as I think i could stand to lose enough weight to make a pretty big difference

I think if people walk away from each other because they aren't attracted to each other any longer, there probably isn't a great relationship foundation to begin with. If we weren't attracted together we'd still be together, still love each other, but that extra element would b emissing - and I'd be sad.

Cathalain

That is a very important sentence. I've heard that my whole life when I thought I was just ugly...never fat but I felt unattractive. Then when I realized that I'm not ugly, that I'm actually quite good looking, the inner damage was already done.

Just wanted to comment on this, as it struck a resonant chord in me. I've felt the exact same way for most of my life. It struck me in particular when I was recently looking at my high school "senior" picture - I was actually quite "exotic" looking (think dark hair, dark "sultry" eyes, tanned skin, etc.), but I never, ever saw myself as anything but the "ugly, fat friend". I still think it a lot of times even though I've lost so much weight - somehow I can't ever get over the fact that I think I look like swill, even when I don't.

I can't even take a compliment sometimes. "You look FABULOUS!" In my mind I think, "you're blind". How awful is that? :brokenheart:

it's hard for me to be angry with men not being attracted to me. I believe my attitude suffered some permanent damage in which I can be friends with men, they can be attracted to me but when I think I like someone, something happens in my personality that scares them away.

For me, it was always waiting for the other shoe to drop - you know what I mean? I'd get a compliment from a guy and I'd wait for the "haha, just kidding, you fat wench" or whatever hurtful thing they'd come up with. It got to the point where I would never believe anything a man said that was the least bit positive. And if I liked someone? Hah. They would NEVER, ever, ever know it. Ever. I've had intense crushes on so many people who just never, ever knew.

So, yeah. Not sure where it fits either, but I just wanted to say that I can relate to your post.

_KitKat_

To me, the biggest thing here is to forget about the blame game. Once you go down that path, for whatever reason, people tend to get defensive (as most blaming is going to be viewed as an attack) and the whole situation gets a lot worse. I always think it's better to focus on what solutions would work and work on implementing/supporting them rather than focus on fault/blame (which to me is only helpful to identify underlying problems).

I agree 100%, the question was raised because on the forums a lot of blame gets placed and I was wondering about why people felt either way.

_KitKat_

If my husband or I gained a significant amount of weight, neither of us would be physically attracted to each other. At least not how we are now. I do know if I lose or gain 20 pounds he will be fine with that. Anything more in either direction and he is unlikely to be as attracted to me. That doesn't mean he won't love me. That doesn't mean we won't have sex. That doesn't mean we won't have fun. It does mean he probably won't get playful and tease me while we're out with the little private things partners can do (whispers, etc).

If he gained a lot of weight, I probably wouldn't stare at him every time he took his clothes off.

We aren't together because we are physically attracted to each other, but it is a fun part of the relationship. I can't blame him for not wanting me to get fatter. I don't either. I actually can't understand why he doesn't care if I lose weight as I think i could stand to lose enough weight to make a pretty big difference

I think if people walk away from each other because they aren't attracted to each other any longer, there probably isn't a great relationship foundation to begin with. If we weren't attracted together we'd still be together, still love each other, but that extra element would b emissing - and I'd be sad.

Thank you, I should have had you write my post, this is how I feel.

seltzermint555

"I hear all the time looks don't matter, but I would have never gotten to know how wonderful my husband is if I wasn't attracted to him in the first place and vice versa. "

I guess for me this doesn't totally hold true. I met my husband online, and I already liked him before we met face to face but from his photos (several different pics from different times in his life) I really had no idea if he was around 170 lb or 300+ lb and I truly didn't care. He turned out to weigh in low 200s (at well over 6' tall) and have a body that was incredibly HAWT. But I didn't know that. I liked his personality, his clever messages, his taste in music, his red hair and beard. I didn't really know what his body looked like or if he was as tall as he said (a lot of guys aren't). If he had actually been 5'7" and 350 lb I would have still wanted to date him and get to know him.

But yeah I know not everyone's like that...for some people the physical details ARE really important. I think the worst though is if the physical details are really important to someone but in the interest of being more "accepting" they claim they don't mind a big weight gain or loss...that's just dishonest. I have more respect for someone who is brutally honest.

SillyC2

So if you're of the attitude that "unless I'm physically attracted to my partner I'm out" well.. I hope you have a thing for 60 years olds. We don't stay young forever. And it's nice to have a partner you love and care about enough to stick with and grow old together.

This is both hilarious and very true!

veganbaum

I hear all the time looks don't matter, but I would have never gotten to know how wonderful my husband is if I wasn't attracted to him in the first place and vice versa. Overall small changes the spark remains, just changing into something completely the opposite of what the other finds physically attractive I can not see blaming the other person.

Have you considered that not every human being has the same basis for being attracted to others?

When you say you wouldn't have come to know how wonderful your husband is if you weren't "attracted" to him in the first place, I am assuming you mean physically attracted.

Plenty of people need that initial physicial attraction, but there are also many who don't. In fact, I think there's even a term for those who need to have an emotional connection with someone before they can find them physically attarctive - demisexual, I think?

So, just wanted to point out that some people are initially attracted to another physically (and may need to be initially attracted in that manner before they can form an emotional connection), while there are others who are intially attracted to another for many, many other reasons, and the physical attraction follows. This is not a male/female thing or anything like that, it's just an individual variation.

SillyC2

But it's not just weight.... how many people pull a John Edwards and head for greener pastures the very moment that their loved one becomes somehow less than physically perfect? I think the rough thing is that, if you're healthy when you meet your "loved one", you never know if they are the type to do this.

eelamme

bump

aklove907

My libido is more based on my own body and how I feel about it. My husband has been sexually attracted to me at 190 pounds, all the way down to 135, everything in between, and even 40 weeks pregnant. As long as I feel good with myself, our sex life is just fine.

I have found this to be true also.

Apple31415

In a small way, i've battled this. In the past, whenever i would lose some weight, my wife would comment something along the lines of not getting too small with a slightly disapproving look - this was always extremely demotivating. She likes me husky but i don't like carrying the extra weight. I'm losing weight for me this time and as long as i maintain muscle with some strength training, she can't complain i guess. Strange to have someone almost wanting you to be out of shape...BTW, we met and married when i was 190 lbs and very fit and she prefers me at 280?? That's just wack.

PippiNe

My libido is more based on my own body and how I feel about it. My husband has been sexually attracted to me at 190 pounds, all the way down to 135, everything in between, and even 40 weeks pregnant. As long as I feel good with myself, our sex life is just fine.

^ This. When I weighed 160lbs, I didn't feel sexy anymore. My hubby still loved me and found me sexy, but I didn't feel that way. Losing weight has allowed me to feel sexy again. Now if I could just shed 15 years or so - lol!