In desperate need of direction

DesperatelyDevestated

why not see if he'd be interested in therapy to explore why he's being deceptive/returning to negative behaviors? I suspect it might be due to what seems like a lot of restriction from you. He's 21 and you're searching him and his room. I understand that it's your house/your rules/etc., but a lot of the time treating people like you don't trust them will result in things like this

I only searched because of the past times and what i had just saw. If i had searched before i would have found the safe. I'm not an overbearing person. I don;t look for things unless it's obvious.

grandmothercharlie

We are not talking about a 10 year old who you can punish and who will learn from the consequences. We are talking about a 21 year man who is a compulsive liar who should by now either be in school or out on his own. Either he will learn on his own, or he won't, but you cannot jeopardize you home, your health, or your reputation on a person who obviously has chosen to take the easy way out and not live a healthy, normal responsible life. He is your son. You do and should love him. You do not need to enable him or, at this point, try to teach him anything. Also, it would be irresponsible for you to pawn him off on someone else. Pack up his things and show him the door!

DesperatelyDevestated

[/quote]

My opinion still stands that you are far too involved in his choices and need to let him figure it out on his own. He is not going to learn independence or gain a real world skillset with you providing him everything and trying to fix his mistakes.
[/quote]

So your agreeing with me kicking him out?

DesperatelyDevestated

We are not talking about a 10 year old who you can punish and who will learn from the consequences. We are talking about a 21 year man who is a compulsive liar who should by now either be in school or out on his own. Either he will learn on his own, or he won't, but you cannot jeopardize you home, your health, or your reputation on a person who obviously has chosen to take the easy way out and not live a healthy, normal responsible life. He is your son. You do and should love him. You do not need to enable him or, at this point, try to teach him anything. Also, it would be irresponsible for you to pawn him off on someone else. Pack up his things and show him the door!

thanks grands

I agree with you, but it's so hard to do, when I know he doesn't have family or friends here. Will you send your child off to the streets?

The pawning off, would be for him to relocate. I don't think he will be able to sell anything in a state he;s never been.

B

jenilla1

...I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

I agree with this. He sounds like a spoiled brat who's manipulating and taking advantage of you. You're going to have to decide for yourself how much enabling you are willing to do. If you could get him into a new environment he would have a better chance at starting over. Sticking around home he's just going to keep running into the same people. Imagine him 10 years from now still selling dime bags out of your house. I know some other posters are mocking this scenario, but I've seen it happen. It's kinda pathetic.

DesperatelyDevestated

Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.

That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.

I don't see why you can't cut him loose, just because you are nearly retirement? That should make it easier. You are down sizing to a one bedroom condo after you sell the family home. Sonny-boy has until you sell the house to get his *kitten* a job and another place to live.

Cut him loose where? That is the original plan. Get your degree, a job and leave... I just wanted to give him a head start by not having any debt after graduation.

aliakynes

I think I would take time to realistically go over the consequences; he might be thinking he'd get a fine or community service if he got caught and you're therefore overreacting. A misdemeanor is often a fine but how much? He'll have to go to court and to make sure that no other charges are added on by a cop having a bad day (and try to get community service over a fine), he'll need a lawyer. How much is the starting rate for a criminal lawyer in your area? It doesn't sound like he makes enough money to cover the risks. Analyze all those factors together and find out how much something like this costs.

wheird

I wonder how I would have turned out if I were micromanaged and enabled.

flawwd

Sounds like the two of you need some counselling.

Plus isn't this a health/weight related site? Not sure if someone should be making an account just to ask for advice about their son. I feel for you, but this is not the appropriate site.

DesperatelyDevestated

I understand your fears and wanting your son to be a productive and self sufficient person. Kicking him out wont solve anything. There are worse things a person can do then to sell some pot to his friends. Unless it becomes a huge problem concerning the safety for you and your home. As in strange shady people coming and going as they please, I wouldn't be too concerned. Weed is honestly not the worst thing to ever exist and you'd be surprised at the kind of people that smoke it. If he still goes to school and gets a degree while working, that should be enough and you should be proud.

THanks sarah,

I respect your opinion,

I'm so afraid that letting that happen will be telling him it's alright to forgo an education, for selling pot. The law isn't that forgiving neither is society when he applies for a job and the question "have you ever been arrested or convicted of a crime" comes up.

Getting caught is my biggest fear for him.

MyChocolateDiet

Thank you so very much for the time you took out to respond.

That was a consideration of mine. But it's not what i want for myself, I like where i live and work, Why should i be punished? I've done nothing wrong.

I've told him i will support him if he just wanted to get a skill at a technical school. As long as he can become independent. I want him to enjoy a good life and earn a good living for his future and his family. Not for me.

I wish i had the money to just up and leave whenever i wanted.

You will not be punished. You only see it that way because you "like where you live and work". As you said though all these choices were always for his future. Don't give up when you are in the final inning of a game you are winning just because there are two strikes and you're up to bat. It's your ups. The hard times aren't over yet. You don't know how life will be in a new place it could be better. He could get the message so loud and clear that he straightens right out in a matter of months and you guys could be living quite well by the half year mark.

It is not a punishment. It is your circumstances. It is not you against him. It is both of you against your current circumstances.

I tell you this as a mother who drove 3 hours while pregnant to take her almost driving age son to classes to erase a problem garnered by hanging out with a kid who decided to shoplift chewing gum. I was 8 months pregnant at the time. I HARDLY wanted to go way out of my way to get him from where he lived to take him to classes to clear his record. WHY SHOULD I BE PUNISHED? I was nowhere near the vicinity and my kid didn't even do the actual stealing but it only appeared that way. WHY?

I'll tell you why. I was damned if I was going to let his record be marred by something he didn't do. If you have the chance to straighten him out, why wouldn't you do it? Parenting was never advertised as easy. These are the times we earn the mom title. It's your time. Level up.

milmomto2

Agree with grandma charlie!

DesperatelyDevestated

Sounds like the two of you need some counselling.

Plus isn't this a health/weight related site? Not sure if someone should be making an account just to ask for advice about their son. I feel for you, but this is not the appropriate site.

Please Don't be so cold. this isn't hurting anyone, I'm desperate and need to hear others opinions. Just like when you get counseling, Have some compassion.

We have been to counseling, when he was younger. No health insurance now and I can't afford to pay $300 per pay check just for his coverage,

MyChocolateDiet

I understand your fears and wanting your son to be a productive and self sufficient person. Kicking him out wont solve anything. There are worse things a person can do then to sell some pot to his friends. Unless it becomes a huge problem concerning the safety for you and your home. As in strange shady people coming and going as they please, I wouldn't be too concerned. Weed is honestly not the worst thing to ever exist and you'd be surprised at the kind of people that smoke it. If he still goes to school and gets a degree while working, that should be enough and you should be proud.

THanks sarah,

I respect your opinion,

I'm so afraid that letting that happen will be telling him it's alright to forgo an education, for selling pot. The law isn't that forgiving neither is society when he applies for a job and the question "have you ever been arrested or convicted of a crime" comes up.

Getting caught is my biggest fear for him.

I can totally understand that especially as he is already living down something.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.

That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.

I don't see why you can't cut him loose, just because you are nearly retirement? That should make it easier. You are down sizing to a one bedroom condo after you sell the family home. Sonny-boy has until you sell the house to get his *kitten* a job and another place to live.

Cut him loose where? That is the original plan. Get your degree, a job and leave... I just wanted to give him a head start by not having any debt after graduation.

Where isn't your problem. Having debt after graduation isn't the end of the world. We have school loans and had cc, we still managed to have a house and cars, and take vacations now the CC is gone. We had responsibilities and we took/take care of them.

It is time to cut the cord and let him fall flat on his face.

MyChocolateDiet

I wonder how I would have turned out if I were micromanaged and enabled.

You weren't?

wheird

I wonder how I would have turned out if I were micromanaged and enabled.

You weren't?

It was the school of hard knocks for me. And I am a better person for it.

MyChocolateDiet

Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.

That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.

I don't see why you can't cut him loose, just because you are nearly retirement? That should make it easier. You are down sizing to a one bedroom condo after you sell the family home. Sonny-boy has until you sell the house to get his *kitten* a job and another place to live.

Cut him loose where? That is the original plan. Get your degree, a job and leave... I just wanted to give him a head start by not having any debt after graduation.

Where isn't your problem. Having debt after graduation isn't the end of the world. We have school loans and had cc, we still managed to have a house and cars, and take vacations now the CC is gone. We had responsibilities and we took/take care of them.

It is time to cut the cord and let him fall flat on his face.

^ oh yeah. Trying to protect his graduating with no loans by overinterfering in his life is throwing the baby away with the bath water. It would be far better for him to face and learn the consequences of his own actions right now and graduate with a little debt than to graduate with ideal credit and financial status and not have any life experience or problem solving skills or discipline to speak of. You have quite a cushion. Let him figure it out on his own.

SunofaBeach14

Move to Colorado?

MyChocolateDiet

I wonder how I would have turned out if I were micromanaged and enabled.

You weren't?

It was the school of hard knocks for me. And I am a better person for it.

Yeah her kid is a little old. These are strange tricks he's pulling that he wouldn't if he had to support himself. If he had the time to think about it clearly without someone telling him and putting him in the position of resisting I think he'd come to the same conclusions as her. They might be stuck in some kinda loop.

SunofaBeach14

Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.

That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.

I don't see why you can't cut him loose, just because you are nearly retirement? That should make it easier. You are down sizing to a one bedroom condo after you sell the family home. Sonny-boy has until you sell the house to get his *kitten* a job and another place to live.

Cut him loose where? That is the original plan. Get your degree, a job and leave... I just wanted to give him a head start by not having any debt after graduation.

Where isn't your problem. Having debt after graduation isn't the end of the world. We have school loans and had cc, we still managed to have a house and cars, and take vacations now the CC is gone. We had responsibilities and we took/take care of them.

It is time to cut the cord and let him fall flat on his face.

Either that or end up with a 40 year old pot dealer living in your basement. Hmmm. That wouldn't necessarily be so bad but I'd insist on a family discount.

MyChocolateDiet

Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.

That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.

I don't see why you can't cut him loose, just because you are nearly retirement? That should make it easier. You are down sizing to a one bedroom condo after you sell the family home. Sonny-boy has until you sell the house to get his *kitten* a job and another place to live.

Cut him loose where? That is the original plan. Get your degree, a job and leave... I just wanted to give him a head start by not having any debt after graduation.

Where isn't your problem. Having debt after graduation isn't the end of the world. We have school loans and had cc, we still managed to have a house and cars, and take vacations now the CC is gone. We had responsibilities and we took/take care of them.

It is time to cut the cord and let him fall flat on his face.

Either that or end up with a 40 year old pot dealer living in your basement. Hmmm. That wouldn't necessarily be so bad but I'd insist on a family discount.

Don't lie you'd charge him business lease rates for rent.

wheird

I wonder how I would have turned out if I were micromanaged and enabled.

You weren't?

It was the school of hard knocks for me. And I am a better person for it.

Yeah her kid is a little old. These are strange tricks he's pulling that he wouldn't if he had to support himself. If he had the time to think about it clearly without someone telling him and putting him in the position of resisting I think he'd come to the same conclusions as her. They might be stuck in some kinda loop.

She has taught him that there are no real consequences because mommy will always be there, even if she gets mad and kicks him out. All he needs to do is be good for a few months and she will forgive him.

This is how you end up a 40 year old boy living with mommy, who starches and irons your socks before laying out your underwear for the next day.

MyChocolateDiet

Plus isn't this a health/weight related site? Not sure if someone should be making an account just to ask for advice about their son. I feel for you, but this is not the appropriate site.

Maybe his habits are giving her the munchies through contact high. Did you ever think of that? Why can't you support her gurney?

wheird

Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.

That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.

I don't see why you can't cut him loose, just because you are nearly retirement? That should make it easier. You are down sizing to a one bedroom condo after you sell the family home. Sonny-boy has until you sell the house to get his *kitten* a job and another place to live.

Cut him loose where? That is the original plan. Get your degree, a job and leave... I just wanted to give him a head start by not having any debt after graduation.

Where isn't your problem. Having debt after graduation isn't the end of the world. We have school loans and had cc, we still managed to have a house and cars, and take vacations now the CC is gone. We had responsibilities and we took/take care of them.

It is time to cut the cord and let him fall flat on his face.

Either that or end up with a 40 year old pot dealer living in your basement. Hmmm. That wouldn't necessarily be so bad but I'd insist on a family discount.

Don't lie you'd charge him business lease rates for rent.

Wholesale price discount and 10% for propety upkeep!

millej30

He is 21 and has chosen to not respect your wishes while living in your house. More than once.

I don't think selling dime bags is a big deal at all, but you do. If he is living with you he needs to respect that.

Boot him, for good. He will be fine. Or he won't. But as an adult that's HIS responsibility. Part of being a good parent is knowing when "helping" is no longer helpful.

SunofaBeach14

Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.

That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.

I don't see why you can't cut him loose, just because you are nearly retirement? That should make it easier. You are down sizing to a one bedroom condo after you sell the family home. Sonny-boy has until you sell the house to get his *kitten* a job and another place to live.

Cut him loose where? That is the original plan. Get your degree, a job and leave... I just wanted to give him a head start by not having any debt after graduation.

Where isn't your problem. Having debt after graduation isn't the end of the world. We have school loans and had cc, we still managed to have a house and cars, and take vacations now the CC is gone. We had responsibilities and we took/take care of them.

It is time to cut the cord and let him fall flat on his face.

Either that or end up with a 40 year old pot dealer living in your basement. Hmmm. That wouldn't necessarily be so bad but I'd insist on a family discount.

Don't lie you'd charge him business lease rates for rent.

You're right. This could actually work out pretty well if she times legalization correctly. All she has to do is lease premium space to pot dealers and slowly jack up the rent as the dealer's customer base grows and the commercial value of the space correspondingly increases. She could then retire on the rents still get a discount on her glaucoma meds.

MyChocolateDiet

I wonder how I would have turned out if I were micromanaged and enabled.

You weren't?

It was the school of hard knocks for me. And I am a better person for it.

Yeah her kid is a little old. These are strange tricks he's pulling that he wouldn't if he had to support himself. If he had the time to think about it clearly without someone telling him and putting him in the position of resisting I think he'd come to the same conclusions as her. They might be stuck in some kinda loop.

She has taught him that there are no real consequences because mommy will always be there, even if she gets mad and kicks him out. All he needs to do is be good for a few months and she will forgive him.

This is how you end up a 40 year old boy living with mommy, who starches and irons your socks before laying out your underwear for the next day.

She probably should have never started sending him away in the first place. That idea this time seemed the worst to me. Part of the "loop" I guess. Honestly at his age if he's in school he should be able to live alone by now and I guarandamned tee you that if he had to be homeless for being caught with weed business up in his apartment he'd be more careful. Right now he probably feels the penalties are mild and he has all these other places he can go live. That's if he's sober long enough to be thinking about it. Or not arguing long enough to get to see his situation clearly.

MyChocolateDiet

Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.

That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.

I don't see why you can't cut him loose, just because you are nearly retirement? That should make it easier. You are down sizing to a one bedroom condo after you sell the family home. Sonny-boy has until you sell the house to get his *kitten* a job and another place to live.

Cut him loose where? That is the original plan. Get your degree, a job and leave... I just wanted to give him a head start by not having any debt after graduation.

Where isn't your problem. Having debt after graduation isn't the end of the world. We have school loans and had cc, we still managed to have a house and cars, and take vacations now the CC is gone. We had responsibilities and we took/take care of them.

It is time to cut the cord and let him fall flat on his face.

Either that or end up with a 40 year old pot dealer living in your basement. Hmmm. That wouldn't necessarily be so bad but I'd insist on a family discount.

Don't lie you'd charge him business lease rates for rent.

You're right. This could actually work out pretty well if she times legalization correctly. All she has to do is lease premium space to pot dealers and slowly jack up the rent as the dealer's customer base grows and the commercial value of the space correspondingly increases. She could then retire on the rents still get a discount on her glaucoma meds.

In life as in comedy, timing is everything.

What am I saying?...life is comedy. And tragedy sadly. The line is so blurry.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

Move to Colorado?

I suggested that!