In desperate need of direction
Replies
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Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?
I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.
I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.
I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.
That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.
I don't see why you can't cut him loose, just because you are nearly retirement? That should make it easier. You are down sizing to a one bedroom condo after you sell the family home. Sonny-boy has until you sell the house to get his *kitten* a job and another place to live.
Cut him loose where? That is the original plan. Get your degree, a job and leave... I just wanted to give him a head start by not having any debt after graduation.
Where isn't your problem. Having debt after graduation isn't the end of the world. We have school loans and had cc, we still managed to have a house and cars, and take vacations now the CC is gone. We had responsibilities and we took/take care of them.
It is time to cut the cord and let him fall flat on his face.
Either that or end up with a 40 year old pot dealer living in your basement. Hmmm. That wouldn't necessarily be so bad but I'd insist on a family discount.
Don't lie you'd charge him business lease rates for rent.
You're right. This could actually work out pretty well if she times legalization correctly. All she has to do is lease premium space to pot dealers and slowly jack up the rent as the dealer's customer base grows and the commercial value of the space correspondingly increases. She could then retire on the rents still get a discount on her glaucoma meds.
In life as in comedy, timing is everything.
What am I saying?...life is comedy. And tragedy sadly. The line is so blurry.
Life is a tragi-comedy but if she plays her cards right then she probably won't care so much. She may need some Cheetos and Visine though.0 -
Move to Colorado?
I suggested that!
You think I have the attention span to actually read a thread before responding? What mystical powers do you think I possess?0 -
Move to Colorado?
I suggested that!
I wouldn't think they would both have to move to colorado. Just move HIM to colorado. It's his lifestyle choice, not hers.0 -
Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?
I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.
I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.
I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.
That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.
I don't see why you can't cut him loose, just because you are nearly retirement? That should make it easier. You are down sizing to a one bedroom condo after you sell the family home. Sonny-boy has until you sell the house to get his *kitten* a job and another place to live.
Cut him loose where? That is the original plan. Get your degree, a job and leave... I just wanted to give him a head start by not having any debt after graduation.
Where isn't your problem. Having debt after graduation isn't the end of the world. We have school loans and had cc, we still managed to have a house and cars, and take vacations now the CC is gone. We had responsibilities and we took/take care of them.
It is time to cut the cord and let him fall flat on his face.
Either that or end up with a 40 year old pot dealer living in your basement. Hmmm. That wouldn't necessarily be so bad but I'd insist on a family discount.
Don't lie you'd charge him business lease rates for rent.
You're right. This could actually work out pretty well if she times legalization correctly. All she has to do is lease premium space to pot dealers and slowly jack up the rent as the dealer's customer base grows and the commercial value of the space correspondingly increases. She could then retire on the rents still get a discount on her glaucoma meds.
In life as in comedy, timing is everything.
What am I saying?...life is comedy. And tragedy sadly. The line is so blurry.
Life is a tragi-comedy but if she plays her cards right then she probably won't care so much. She may need some Cheetos and Visine though.
Is that why my eyes are blurry? I better get out of this thread. I"M STARTING TO CRAVE cheetos! Damn hipsters! Get off my lawn!0 -
Move to Colorado?
I suggested that!
I wouldn't think they would both have to move to colorado. Just move HIM to colorado. It's his lifestyle choice, not hers.
I see your move just HIM to colorado and raise you a move just the WEED to colorado.0 -
It sounds like you have to give him boundaries and stick to them. Our kids have known from a very young age what the rules are in our house. You can live here as long as you are in school. After you graduate from high school you must either go to college, join the military or get a full time job to support yourself. You have six months to decide. After six months, if you are not in school or the military, you have to leave. There is no freeloading off of us. We work hard for our money and are prepared to support you IF you are meeting our requirements. Selling drugs? Hell no. My kids would have been out of my house in a heartbeat. Call me cold hearted but its because of this (and the fact that my kids know I would absolutely follow through) that they didn't get involved in stuff like that. My kids were the type who feared their dad and I way more than they feared the cops.
Tell him he has six months to straighten his life up. He has to stop selling drugs immediately and enroll back in school. If he doesn't comply then kick him out. You have to be firm on this and he has to know you're firm. If not, he'll walk all over you just like he's been doing for the last 21 years.0 -
You and your son is all that each of you have. He is a liar, like to hustle a bit on the side (nothing harsh) and he's a good person from what you said. Everybody has shortcomings. I say to talk to your son and tell him you want the best for him, but the weed stuff is a no go until he get his own spot. You can't afford to mess your situation up over him. Help him with his resume and cover letter and help your son find a job because he need three things: You (the only family he has there), a place to stay (you are helping him with that temporarily) and money (nobody want to be broke). I say never give up on your child no matter what!!! Just tell him there are rules and regulations wherever you go, and in your house he must get a job, because as the Bible states: If a man doesn't work, he doesn't eat. I'm going to pray for yall. Stay encouraged.0
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The problem with disrupting your life and moving to help your son, is this: You will be continuing to operate under the false assumption that you are helping him. Clearing his record, cleaning up his messes, etc. is going to backfire big time on you. Eventually, you will realize that one of the best lessons we need to teach our children is personal responsibility. Optimally, it should be taught in the formative years in small doses. This assures that a child is ready at 18 to understand how this life works. Your child is learning too late and will probably suffer some consequences that will be hard for him and you.
I was married to a man for about 13 years that was raised by parents who bent over backwards to make sure life's consequences never found him. He was a consummate liar, a "do what I say - not what I do" person & a terrible role model for our daughter. He is in his 50s and still relies on his parents to bail him out of all kinds of problems - especially financial ones. He has a degree from an excellent university, but his life is a mess. He has no relationship with out daughter.
So, when you become a helicopter parent, hovering over your adult son and trying to fix his problems - you set yourself and him up for failure. You prolong the inevitable - because someday you will not be here to help and he needs to be able to stand on his own, learn about life's consequences & learn to live independently.
I wish you good luck.0 -
The problem with disrupting your life and moving to help your son, is this: You will be continuing to operate under the false assumption that you are helping him. Clearing his record, cleaning up his messes, etc. is going to backfire big time on you. Eventually, you will realize that one of the best lessons we need to teach our children is personal responsibility. Optimally, it should be taught in the formative years in small doses. This assures that a child is ready at 18 to understand how this life works. Your child is learning too late and will probably suffer some consequences that will be hard for him and you.
I was married to a man for about 13 years that was raised by parents who bent over backwards to make sure life's consequences never found him. He was a consummate liar, a "do what I say - not what I do" person & a terrible role model for our daughter. He is in his 50s and still relies on his parents to bail him out of all kinds of problems - especially financial ones. He has a degree from an excellent university, but his life is a mess. He has no relationship with out daughter.
So, when you become a helicopter parent, hovering over your adult son and trying to fix his problems - you set yourself and him up for failure. You prolong the inevitable - because someday you will not be here to help and he needs to be able to stand on his own, learn about life's consequences & learn to live independently.
I wish you good luck.
^ Good advice.
One of my favorite quotes from a recent movie about Jiro Ono: "When I was in first grade, I was told "You have no home to go back to. That's why you have to work hard." I knew that I was on my own. And I didn't want to have to sleep at the temple or under a bridge so I had to work just to survive. That has never left me. I worked even if the boss kicked or slapped me. Nowadays, parents tell their children, "You can return if it doesn't work out." When parents say stupid things like that, the kids turn out to be failures."
I'm obviously and absolutely not advocating throwing first graders out on the street (and I'm pretty sure Ono-san isn't either) but a grown *kitten* man who refuses to listen? Yea. Time for him to grow up.0 -
I was always told to go West young man, go West. :laugh:0
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I am not sure what to tell you. You set the rules if he breaks them, then he needs to leave. He is over 18, living with you rent free, then he needs to respect the rules. But I am curious as to why you are thinking of family to send him to. If you kick him out, then it is his problem, not yours. Obviously, that might be rough on him, but maybe that is what he really needs, rules and consequences. If he cannot live by your rules, then maybe he needs to learn how to live on his own, even if that is making mininum wages flipping fries and a studio apartment.
I think what you need to decide is, is tough love what you want to do, or will you cave?? If you cave then Tough Love will not work, and of course he is not going to respect you, why should he, he thinks in the back of his mind, there really are not real consequences.
I wish you luck either way.0 -
The problem with disrupting your life and moving to help your son, is this: You will be continuing to operate under the false assumption that you are helping him. Clearing his record, cleaning up his messes, etc. is going to backfire big time on you. Eventually, you will realize that one of the best lessons we need to teach our children is personal responsibility. Optimally, it should be taught in the formative years in small doses. This assures that a child is ready at 18 to understand how this life works. Your child is learning too late and will probably suffer some consequences that will be hard for him and you.
I was married to a man for about 13 years that was raised by parents who bent over backwards to make sure life's consequences never found him. He was a consummate liar, a "do what I say - not what I do" person & a terrible role model for our daughter. He is in his 50s and still relies on his parents to bail him out of all kinds of problems - especially financial ones. He has a degree from an excellent university, but his life is a mess. He has no relationship with out daughter.
So, when you become a helicopter parent, hovering over your adult son and trying to fix his problems - you set yourself and him up for failure. You prolong the inevitable - because someday you will not be here to help and he needs to be able to stand on his own, learn about life's consequences & learn to live independently.
I wish you good luck.
I second AND third this!!!0 -
You and your son is all that each of you have. He is a liar, like to hustle a bit on the side (nothing harsh) and he's a good person from what you said. Everybody has shortcomings. I say to talk to your son and tell him you want the best for him, but the weed stuff is a no go until he get his own spot. You can't afford to mess your situation up over him. Help him with his resume and cover letter and help your son find a job because he need three things: You (the only family he has there), a place to stay (you are helping him with that temporarily) and money (nobody want to be broke). I say never give up on your child no matter what!!! Just tell him there are rules and regulations wherever you go, and in your house he must get a job, because as the Bible states: If a man doesn't work, he doesn't eat. I'm going to pray for yall. Stay encouraged.
b b b bibleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!0 -
I was always told to go West young man, go West. :laugh:
Oh HAIL no! SEND him east! Hey New York Pothead INCOMING!!!!!!!!!!0 -
The problem with disrupting your life and moving to help your son, is this: You will be continuing to operate under the false assumption that you are helping him. Clearing his record, cleaning up his messes, etc. is going to backfire big time on you. Eventually, you will realize that one of the best lessons we need to teach our children is personal responsibility. Optimally, it should be taught in the formative years in small doses. This assures that a child is ready at 18 to understand how this life works. Your child is learning too late and will probably suffer some consequences that will be hard for him and you.
I was married to a man for about 13 years that was raised by parents who bent over backwards to make sure life's consequences never found him. He was a consummate liar, a "do what I say - not what I do" person & a terrible role model for our daughter. He is in his 50s and still relies on his parents to bail him out of all kinds of problems - especially financial ones. He has a degree from an excellent university, but his life is a mess. He has no relationship with out daughter.
So, when you become a helicopter parent, hovering over your adult son and trying to fix his problems - you set yourself and him up for failure. You prolong the inevitable - because someday you will not be here to help and he needs to be able to stand on his own, learn about life's consequences & learn to live independently.
I wish you good luck.
I second AND third this!!!
I minus one and minus two this.
I'm factoring in the ADHD and may be weighing it too heavily due to lack of experience with it. I'm treating it as he needs a little more support from her for a little bit longer.
Also, the detail that she has no insurance for therapy is bugging me. It's making me think he may not have any for whatever meds he may need. So I'm not sure how firm his footing is right now and I don't know that he could make it? I don't know that much about ADHD so I'm erring on the side of caution.0 -
Once his charges are cleared see if he has an interest in taking the ASVAB. Wouldn't hurt to talk to a recruiter. They do give waivers for people diagnosed with ADHD.0
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The problem with disrupting your life and moving to help your son, is this: You will be continuing to operate under the false assumption that you are helping him. Clearing his record, cleaning up his messes, etc. is going to backfire big time on you. Eventually, you will realize that one of the best lessons we need to teach our children is personal responsibility. Optimally, it should be taught in the formative years in small doses. This assures that a child is ready at 18 to understand how this life works. Your child is learning too late and will probably suffer some consequences that will be hard for him and you.
I was married to a man for about 13 years that was raised by parents who bent over backwards to make sure life's consequences never found him. He was a consummate liar, a "do what I say - not what I do" person & a terrible role model for our daughter. He is in his 50s and still relies on his parents to bail him out of all kinds of problems - especially financial ones. He has a degree from an excellent university, but his life is a mess. He has no relationship with out daughter.
So, when you become a helicopter parent, hovering over your adult son and trying to fix his problems - you set yourself and him up for failure. You prolong the inevitable - because someday you will not be here to help and he needs to be able to stand on his own, learn about life's consequences & learn to live independently.
I wish you good luck.
I second AND third this!!!
I minus one and minus two this.
I'm factoring in the ADHD and may be weighing it too heavily due to lack of experience with it. I'm treating it as he needs a little more support from her for a little bit longer.
Also, the detail that she has no insurance for therapy is bugging me. It's making me think he may not have any for whatever meds he may need. So I'm not sure how firm his footing is right now and I don't know that he could make it? I don't know that much about ADHD so I'm erring on the side of caution.
Of course, you are entitled to your opinion. I worked with and taught children with varying degrees of learning disabilities for the last 28 years. ADHD can cause problems with decision making skills and usually presents with impulsive behaviors. Learning decision making skills and impulse control can be taught and learned - over time. Yes, sometimes adult children need more support than typically functioning adults. The problem comes when you, as a parent, begin to make life decisions that will not facilitate learning. Moving to a state where he can legally have drugs is not the answer. The answer is in helping him find a different path. I doubt that her dream for her son is to be a drug dealer for the rest of his life.
The problems I was addressing in my post were related to the mother's continued bailing out of her son. These are legal issues. Selling drugs will not result in an adult life that he can maintain. He needs boundaries in place and he needs to learn to feel the pain of natural and logical consequences. Until someone steps up and does this for him, he suffers. Until someone teaches him some life skills, he suffers.0 -
The problem with disrupting your life and moving to help your son, is this: You will be continuing to operate under the false assumption that you are helping him. Clearing his record, cleaning up his messes, etc. is going to backfire big time on you. Eventually, you will realize that one of the best lessons we need to teach our children is personal responsibility. Optimally, it should be taught in the formative years in small doses. This assures that a child is ready at 18 to understand how this life works. Your child is learning too late and will probably suffer some consequences that will be hard for him and you.
I was married to a man for about 13 years that was raised by parents who bent over backwards to make sure life's consequences never found him. He was a consummate liar, a "do what I say - not what I do" person & a terrible role model for our daughter. He is in his 50s and still relies on his parents to bail him out of all kinds of problems - especially financial ones. He has a degree from an excellent university, but his life is a mess. He has no relationship with out daughter.
So, when you become a helicopter parent, hovering over your adult son and trying to fix his problems - you set yourself and him up for failure. You prolong the inevitable - because someday you will not be here to help and he needs to be able to stand on his own, learn about life's consequences & learn to live independently.
I wish you good luck.
I second AND third this!!!
I minus one and minus two this.
I'm factoring in the ADHD and may be weighing it too heavily due to lack of experience with it. I'm treating it as he needs a little more support from her for a little bit longer.
Also, the detail that she has no insurance for therapy is bugging me. It's making me think he may not have any for whatever meds he may need. So I'm not sure how firm his footing is right now and I don't know that he could make it? I don't know that much about ADHD so I'm erring on the side of caution.
Of course, you are entitled to your opinion. I worked with and taught children with varying degrees of learning disabilities for the last 28 years. ADHD can cause problems with decision making skills and usually presents with impulsive behaviors. Learning decision making skills and impulse control can be taught and learned - over time. Yes, sometimes adult children need more support than typically functioning adults. The problem comes when you, as a parent, begin to make life decisions that will not facilitate learning. Moving to a state where he can legally have drugs is not the answer. The answer is in helping him find a different path. I doubt that her dream for her son is to be a drug dealer for the rest of his life.
The problems I was addressing in my post were related to the mother's continued bailing out of her son. These are legal issues. Selling drugs will not result in an adult life that he can maintain. He needs boundaries in place and he needs to learn to feel the pain of natural and logical consequences. Until someone steps up and does this for him, he suffers. Until someone teaches him some life skills, he suffers.
I hope my post did not come across as condoning that she would be helping her son to be a better drug dealer or for a longer time? I thought I was clear that she would take him so that it would cut ties with whoever he is involved with now.
She was not clear in the beginning that she was bailing him out repeatedly when I gave my answer but even when that became more apparent, I still feel there is something about their dynamic that is eluding us because of probably the ADHD whether they've addressed it over time or not but also this lack of insurance issue. I even worry he may be self medicating if they don't have access to insurance. Overall he seems unready to be on his own as other 21 year olds would be as evidenced by his inability to get the point that he's already in some kind of trouble for it. For that reason I think a change of pace would not be too bad for them. They seem stuck in a rut and what they are doing clearly is not working, and sending him away and letting him return has not worked so far so it's the next logical step albeit an "unfair" one to her and a major one.
I know I'm entitled to my opinion. Even if it is less informed than yours with whatever your work experience is. That's why I stated my opinion. Because she is asking for it. She entitled me to my opinion in this thread, not you.0 -
Once his charges are cleared see if he has an interest in taking the ASVAB. Wouldn't hurt to talk to a recruiter. They do give waivers for people diagnosed with ADHD.
Is that a MUG made out of chocolate with a white chocolate garnish and berries on it? On your avi?0 -
Once his charges are cleared see if he has an interest in taking the ASVAB. Wouldn't hurt to talk to a recruiter. They do give waivers for people diagnosed with ADHD.
Is that a MUG made out of chocolate with a white chocolate garnish and berries on it? On your avi?
Yes,and it's filled with tiramisu!!! I took this pic at Easter brunch. Needless to say we went back for Mothers Day :drinker:0 -
Thank you all for your responses, once again.
I've read all the responses and I'll try to address all of them in this post.
He was diagnosed with ADHD since 3 years old. He's been on medication since diagnosed up until he reached 19 and he didn't qualify for the lower priced insurance. I tried getting him insurance but i could not afford it and he didn't qualify for medicaid because of my income (i earned about 2,000 over the cut off). He also told me at about the same age that the medication was causing him sleep issues and depression. Being he wouldn't take the medication during summers anyway and he was fine, i thought it was his decision (we still have medication left over from summers and he still doesn't take it). He managed to pass most of his classes without it, I felt comfortable with that decision. We have seen a few psychologist, but finally met a great one and were seeing him together and individually for about 2 years... then the insurance was taken away. The psy, didn't except my work insurance, so i couldn't even see him as a family counsellor.
I've been told that i'm not giving him Tough Enough love, but I thought sending him away and him not having the comforts of home and a car was giving consequences, At age 18 i wasn't going to through him out on the streets to be homeless. From childhood till 18, whenever he made bad decisions, he always had a consequence. Be it taking away phones, video games, allowance, grounded at home... their has always been a consequence. Yes, I've forgiven him and given him another chance. Because if i can forgive a friend, relative, coworker. why not my own child?
I didn't see myself as an enabler, because he was a teenager, making dumb decisions. and before a police officer disciplines him, I was going to do my best, in the toughest way I knew how. To let him know I mean business. But apparently, it isn't working. It wasn't tough enough.
I probably missed a few posts, i will come back.0 -
Tough love. Tell him to leave your home, he did not respect your rules. Just so you know if he gets caught selling pot out of YOUR home there will be consequences legally for you. Unless you have $$$ for a lawyer Get him out ASAP.0
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Yes, I've forgiven him and given him another chance. Because if i can forgive a friend, relative, coworker. why not my own child?
This isn't about forgiveness. This is about giving him the tools he needs to succeed on his own. This is about teaching him that he has to live within rules--be it your home or the outside world. You can forgive him but you also have to teach him.
I know this is easy for all of us to say because we're not emotionally invested in your son the way you are. It's hard pushing them out of the nest. You want to help but sometimes helping is stepping back and letting them make their own decisions. However, his decisions are now impacting your safety. He needs to know that's unacceptable. He's not thinking about you or what his actions could do to you. He's only thinking about himself, while all you do is think about him too. See the imbalance in all of this? All of his life and even right now it's all about him. And that is why he does what he does.0 -
thank you for your kind response.
I'm more angry of the deception and the jeopardising my home.
I give him $50 of my hard earned money every week for him to have something.
He doenst have a job, we've been looking
He's in a drug program where he is drug tested 2x a week because of possession of marijuana. If he completes the program, which he is set for graduation this month, he will have no criminial record.
I think, at aged 21, he is old enough to look after himself and get himself a job.
Based on my experience in a similar boat, once my mum stopped my pocket money, I HAD to work for money. Going to work helped me grow up, move out and grow into an adult. I played up a lot when I lived with my mum, and now that I've moved away, I appreciate her and regret how I used to be.
I'm one of the only people in my class at university that doesn't reply on handouts from mummy and daddy, and it feels great. I can survive on my own.
He needs that feeling. To feel like he can succeed on his own. He can learn to budget his own money, pay his own bills, cook, clean and wash his own clothes. He'll learn to appreciate all the hard work you do for him.
His behaviour could be a factor of having ADHD (which I know nothing about) so possibly speaking to a professional who might be able to help him with this more? Encourage him to do a course?
Explain to him that he's an adult and it's time he acted like one. If he's desperate enough, he'll up his efforts finding a job. He's an adult and he doesn't need his hand holding. The independence of living on his own will give him the biggest life lesson.
Give tough love. No matter how difficult it is - for him!
Good luck
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Depending on the laws where you live, your house can be seized and you can be prosecuted along with him if your son is busted selling at your home, especially since you know it's going on. Consult a lawyer to find out what YOUR consequences are if he gets busted dealing on your property. Dealing is a more serious offense than possession. Good luck.0
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He's 21. Kick him out. Do you want to lose your house to a drug dealing charge? Around here they will confiscate property that is shown to be connected with drug selling.0
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Well, it sounds like he has an income, is over 18 and is going to go against your house rules so he can go ahead and support himself outside of your home.0
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Hi,
I made this account for the purpose of asking many strangers, what would they do in my situation.
I'm a parent of a 21 year old ADHD son. He will be 21 the end of this month.
Today is the 3rd time i caught him selling marijuana from my house.
The first time, i sent him to a relatives house and he had to change high school and the only reason i let him return was because he earned his high school diploma
Second time, he was already half have way through his college classes and was working. He was removed from my house and allowed to stay at a friends house, which was a 2 hour commute, oneway, to his classes. He lost his job because of the distance, but he attended all of his classes and earned 12 college crdits in total. The friend could no longer allow him to stay, and he didn't have a job to get his own place. He begged me and said he had learned his lesson and that he would not betray me like that again. I let him come back.
Today it happened again. I don't know what to do anymore. He is denying it;s his, but he is a compulsive liar. He is my only son. His father was never a part of his life EVER. I've tried everything i possibly can think of. He's not a thug, he doesn't fight. He makes BAD decisions. But I just can't NOT do anything. This is our home, he is jeopardizing.
What would you do if this was your only child and no family in this state?
I'm thinking of asking a relative if he can go stay with them and get him away from this environment, but i feel so guilty asking someone to take on this type of burden. I;m so hurt and distraught right now, i wish i could just fall asleep and not wake up.
Here are some thoughts on this. You mentioned he has ADHD. Why? Usually when people mention this or any mental illness about a person it implies one of the following: defective/needs to be coddled/can't be expected to accept responsibility for his own actions. You mentioned his father was not in his life. Why? Usually it implies a sense of guilt or of having failed or not having some something (father figure) that would have made him turn out "right."
You mentioned he is 21. Good. He is an adult. You are no longer legally responsible for him, not his health, not his safety, not his future, not his career, not his housing, not NOTHING. He is an adult. He can deal.
The first time this happened. You kicked him out, since he breached the rules of your home and disrespected you by doing so, yet he returned because he got his diploma, NOT because he stopped dealing. He rolled you.
The secont time this happened. You kicked him out, since he breached the rules of your home and disrespected you by doing so, AND he lost his job and housing because you stood up and would not let him live there and disrespect your in your home. You caved and changed your mind. Shows inconsistency. He rolled you. A second time.
This is the third time. He is showing a pattern. Are you seriously letting this continue to happen? He is an adult. He is disrespecting you (another adult...forget being his parent) in your home. Give him the boot. He earns his consequences. If you were renting somewhere and your lease stipulated that no selling of pot happened on premises and you got caught, they would evict you. You could be consistent in your behavior which encourages him to continue doing this by waiting a random amount of time and taking him back because of a reason other than he finally has learned his lesson and respects you. OR you could be consistent in behavior that is going to show him that you respect yourself and your boundaries and kick him out and let him land where he might. OR if you're feeling really vindictive (also masochistic), you could call the police and have him arrested for what posters above have said is a misdemeanor and end up paying lawyer fees/court fees/probation costs/etc for him (it will happen, trust me, it did with my cousins when they went through similar in their lives) and again teaching him nothing more than mom will be there when I fall (even to her detriment) until the day she dies....so he'll never truly grow up. OR you could kill yourself like you just said you want to "fall asleep and never wake up" and really show him.
Choice is yours. Make the right one.0 -
You responses have been appreciated.:flowerforyou: Hearing the truth from people who have no reason to hold back, is helpful.
I'm sick to my stomach just thinking of the decision i have to make and follow through with.
I've decided to evict him from my home for good. I've written up a 30 day notice and will give it to him, after I tell him what his options are.
I've had enough and I've given him enough opportunities to do the right thing.
I've tried the helpful, trusting, hopeful route... it's not working. Now, i must try a different method... Separate myself from him.
At the end of 30 days, he either has a place to go or I will get him a plane ticket to his Father's house in another state; who he's known for a total of 60 days his entire life. His father agreed to accept him. He can enroll in a technical school with student loans, or get a minimum wage job and live that life. Either way, it's his decision. I've done the best i can for now.
I'll always have my son's back. I just can't witness his self destruction. When he's helping himself, I will give him a helping hand.
I know him having ADHD makes it more difficult to stay focused, not be influenced by peers and all the usual obstacles a lot of young people face. However, I also learned in my research of ADHD, before giving him medication; that the right behaviors can be internalized with much repetition.
.
I've never wanted him to use ADHD as an excuse. That is why i didn't take him to a Social Security office to declare a disorder.
He came home yesterday and opened a tent in the backyard. He slept there and hasn't entered the house. He doesn't have anywhere to go, but here.
BTW, another reason why I can't just up and move, to help my son progress in a different environment, is because I have an elderly mother I care for. She is a healthy, independent 86 year old, but still needs me close to her. She loves where she lives and I would not put her through the stress of a move. So, my son is the one who will be relocating.
Thank you all once again for your advice, opinions and even sharing your own stories. I was truly touched by some of them.:flowerforyou:
Take Good Care of Yourselves. I will try to do the same for myself. :flowerforyou:0 -
Assuming you stick to your guns, I think that this is a wise decision.0
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