In desperate need of direction

SunofaBeach14

Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.

That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.

I don't see why you can't cut him loose, just because you are nearly retirement? That should make it easier. You are down sizing to a one bedroom condo after you sell the family home. Sonny-boy has until you sell the house to get his *kitten* a job and another place to live.

Cut him loose where? That is the original plan. Get your degree, a job and leave... I just wanted to give him a head start by not having any debt after graduation.

Where isn't your problem. Having debt after graduation isn't the end of the world. We have school loans and had cc, we still managed to have a house and cars, and take vacations now the CC is gone. We had responsibilities and we took/take care of them.

It is time to cut the cord and let him fall flat on his face.

Either that or end up with a 40 year old pot dealer living in your basement. Hmmm. That wouldn't necessarily be so bad but I'd insist on a family discount.

Don't lie you'd charge him business lease rates for rent.

You're right. This could actually work out pretty well if she times legalization correctly. All she has to do is lease premium space to pot dealers and slowly jack up the rent as the dealer's customer base grows and the commercial value of the space correspondingly increases. She could then retire on the rents still get a discount on her glaucoma meds.

In life as in comedy, timing is everything.

What am I saying?...life is comedy. And tragedy sadly. The line is so blurry.

Life is a tragi-comedy but if she plays her cards right then she probably won't care so much. She may need some Cheetos and Visine though.

SunofaBeach14

Move to Colorado?

I suggested that!

You think I have the attention span to actually read a thread before responding? What mystical powers do you think I possess?

aliakynes

Move to Colorado?

I suggested that!

I wouldn't think they would both have to move to colorado. Just move HIM to colorado. It's his lifestyle choice, not hers.

MyChocolateDiet

Move to Colorado, where his services are less desirable?

I dunno, OP. I wouldn't want it being illegally sold out of my home either -- even though I personally have no issues with recreational use. It would take one bad buyer or somebody thinking he a large quantity of pot or money for *kitten* to get real.

I think it's a major plus that he's managed to stay in school. If it were me, I don't know what I would do either. It might just be time to boot him, he's 21 and it might just be time for him to fly - whether his wings are ready or not.

I wish i could right now. I'm at an age where i'm preparing for retirement.

That is my desperation, I don't want to kick him out, but he need this tough love, He isn't a thug, he isn't street smart, I know, I grew up in the hood, and he will not make it, We at least live in a middle class area.

I don't see why you can't cut him loose, just because you are nearly retirement? That should make it easier. You are down sizing to a one bedroom condo after you sell the family home. Sonny-boy has until you sell the house to get his *kitten* a job and another place to live.

Cut him loose where? That is the original plan. Get your degree, a job and leave... I just wanted to give him a head start by not having any debt after graduation.

Where isn't your problem. Having debt after graduation isn't the end of the world. We have school loans and had cc, we still managed to have a house and cars, and take vacations now the CC is gone. We had responsibilities and we took/take care of them.

It is time to cut the cord and let him fall flat on his face.

Either that or end up with a 40 year old pot dealer living in your basement. Hmmm. That wouldn't necessarily be so bad but I'd insist on a family discount.

Don't lie you'd charge him business lease rates for rent.

You're right. This could actually work out pretty well if she times legalization correctly. All she has to do is lease premium space to pot dealers and slowly jack up the rent as the dealer's customer base grows and the commercial value of the space correspondingly increases. She could then retire on the rents still get a discount on her glaucoma meds.

In life as in comedy, timing is everything.

What am I saying?...life is comedy. And tragedy sadly. The line is so blurry.

Life is a tragi-comedy but if she plays her cards right then she probably won't care so much. She may need some Cheetos and Visine though.

Is that why my eyes are blurry? I better get out of this thread. I"M STARTING TO CRAVE cheetos! Damn hipsters! Get off my lawn!

MyChocolateDiet

Move to Colorado?

I suggested that!

I wouldn't think they would both have to move to colorado. Just move HIM to colorado. It's his lifestyle choice, not hers.

I see your move just HIM to colorado and raise you a move just the WEED to colorado.

Sharon_C

It sounds like you have to give him boundaries and stick to them. Our kids have known from a very young age what the rules are in our house. You can live here as long as you are in school. After you graduate from high school you must either go to college, join the military or get a full time job to support yourself. You have six months to decide. After six months, if you are not in school or the military, you have to leave. There is no freeloading off of us. We work hard for our money and are prepared to support you IF you are meeting our requirements. Selling drugs? Hell no. My kids would have been out of my house in a heartbeat. Call me cold hearted but its because of this (and the fact that my kids know I would absolutely follow through) that they didn't get involved in stuff like that. My kids were the type who feared their dad and I way more than they feared the cops.

Tell him he has six months to straighten his life up. He has to stop selling drugs immediately and enroll back in school. If he doesn't comply then kick him out. You have to be firm on this and he has to know you're firm. If not, he'll walk all over you just like he's been doing for the last 21 years.

AllMyUsernamesRTaken

You and your son is all that each of you have. He is a liar, like to hustle a bit on the side (nothing harsh) and he's a good person from what you said. Everybody has shortcomings. I say to talk to your son and tell him you want the best for him, but the weed stuff is a no go until he get his own spot. You can't afford to mess your situation up over him. Help him with his resume and cover letter and help your son find a job because he need three things: You (the only family he has there), a place to stay (you are helping him with that temporarily) and money (nobody want to be broke). I say never give up on your child no matter what!!! Just tell him there are rules and regulations wherever you go, and in your house he must get a job, because as the Bible states: If a man doesn't work, he doesn't eat. I'm going to pray for yall. Stay encouraged.

gypsy_spirit

The problem with disrupting your life and moving to help your son, is this: You will be continuing to operate under the false assumption that you are helping him. Clearing his record, cleaning up his messes, etc. is going to backfire big time on you. Eventually, you will realize that one of the best lessons we need to teach our children is personal responsibility. Optimally, it should be taught in the formative years in small doses. This assures that a child is ready at 18 to understand how this life works. Your child is learning too late and will probably suffer some consequences that will be hard for him and you.

I was married to a man for about 13 years that was raised by parents who bent over backwards to make sure life's consequences never found him. He was a consummate liar, a "do what I say - not what I do" person & a terrible role model for our daughter. He is in his 50s and still relies on his parents to bail him out of all kinds of problems - especially financial ones. He has a degree from an excellent university, but his life is a mess. He has no relationship with out daughter.

So, when you become a helicopter parent, hovering over your adult son and trying to fix his problems - you set yourself and him up for failure. You prolong the inevitable - because someday you will not be here to help and he needs to be able to stand on his own, learn about life's consequences & learn to live independently.

I wish you good luck.

SunofaBeach14

The problem with disrupting your life and moving to help your son, is this: You will be continuing to operate under the false assumption that you are helping him. Clearing his record, cleaning up his messes, etc. is going to backfire big time on you. Eventually, you will realize that one of the best lessons we need to teach our children is personal responsibility. Optimally, it should be taught in the formative years in small doses. This assures that a child is ready at 18 to understand how this life works. Your child is learning too late and will probably suffer some consequences that will be hard for him and you.

I was married to a man for about 13 years that was raised by parents who bent over backwards to make sure life's consequences never found him. He was a consummate liar, a "do what I say - not what I do" person & a terrible role model for our daughter. He is in his 50s and still relies on his parents to bail him out of all kinds of problems - especially financial ones. He has a degree from an excellent university, but his life is a mess. He has no relationship with out daughter.

So, when you become a helicopter parent, hovering over your adult son and trying to fix his problems - you set yourself and him up for failure. You prolong the inevitable - because someday you will not be here to help and he needs to be able to stand on his own, learn about life's consequences & learn to live independently.

I wish you good luck.

^ Good advice.

One of my favorite quotes from a recent movie about Jiro Ono: "When I was in first grade, I was told "You have no home to go back to. That's why you have to work hard." I knew that I was on my own. And I didn't want to have to sleep at the temple or under a bridge so I had to work just to survive. That has never left me. I worked even if the boss kicked or slapped me. Nowadays, parents tell their children, "You can return if it doesn't work out." When parents say stupid things like that, the kids turn out to be failures."

I'm obviously and absolutely not advocating throwing first graders out on the street (and I'm pretty sure Ono-san isn't either) but a grown *kitten* man who refuses to listen? Yea. Time for him to grow up.

Swilla_Swole

I was always told to go West young man, go West. :laugh:

Soccermavrick

I am not sure what to tell you. You set the rules if he breaks them, then he needs to leave. He is over 18, living with you rent free, then he needs to respect the rules. But I am curious as to why you are thinking of family to send him to. If you kick him out, then it is his problem, not yours. Obviously, that might be rough on him, but maybe that is what he really needs, rules and consequences. If he cannot live by your rules, then maybe he needs to learn how to live on his own, even if that is making mininum wages flipping fries and a studio apartment.

I think what you need to decide is, is tough love what you want to do, or will you cave?? If you cave then Tough Love will not work, and of course he is not going to respect you, why should he, he thinks in the back of his mind, there really are not real consequences.

I wish you luck either way.

Soccermavrick

The problem with disrupting your life and moving to help your son, is this: You will be continuing to operate under the false assumption that you are helping him. Clearing his record, cleaning up his messes, etc. is going to backfire big time on you. Eventually, you will realize that one of the best lessons we need to teach our children is personal responsibility. Optimally, it should be taught in the formative years in small doses. This assures that a child is ready at 18 to understand how this life works. Your child is learning too late and will probably suffer some consequences that will be hard for him and you.

I was married to a man for about 13 years that was raised by parents who bent over backwards to make sure life's consequences never found him. He was a consummate liar, a "do what I say - not what I do" person & a terrible role model for our daughter. He is in his 50s and still relies on his parents to bail him out of all kinds of problems - especially financial ones. He has a degree from an excellent university, but his life is a mess. He has no relationship with out daughter.

So, when you become a helicopter parent, hovering over your adult son and trying to fix his problems - you set yourself and him up for failure. You prolong the inevitable - because someday you will not be here to help and he needs to be able to stand on his own, learn about life's consequences & learn to live independently.

I wish you good luck.

I second AND third this!!!

MyChocolateDiet

You and your son is all that each of you have. He is a liar, like to hustle a bit on the side (nothing harsh) and he's a good person from what you said. Everybody has shortcomings. I say to talk to your son and tell him you want the best for him, but the weed stuff is a no go until he get his own spot. You can't afford to mess your situation up over him. Help him with his resume and cover letter and help your son find a job because he need three things: You (the only family he has there), a place to stay (you are helping him with that temporarily) and money (nobody want to be broke). I say never give up on your child no matter what!!! Just tell him there are rules and regulations wherever you go, and in your house he must get a job, because as the Bible states: If a man doesn't work, he doesn't eat. I'm going to pray for yall. Stay encouraged.

b b b bibleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MyChocolateDiet

I was always told to go West young man, go West. :laugh:

Oh HAIL no! SEND him east! Hey New York Pothead INCOMING!!!!!!!!!!

MyChocolateDiet

The problem with disrupting your life and moving to help your son, is this: You will be continuing to operate under the false assumption that you are helping him. Clearing his record, cleaning up his messes, etc. is going to backfire big time on you. Eventually, you will realize that one of the best lessons we need to teach our children is personal responsibility. Optimally, it should be taught in the formative years in small doses. This assures that a child is ready at 18 to understand how this life works. Your child is learning too late and will probably suffer some consequences that will be hard for him and you.

I was married to a man for about 13 years that was raised by parents who bent over backwards to make sure life's consequences never found him. He was a consummate liar, a "do what I say - not what I do" person & a terrible role model for our daughter. He is in his 50s and still relies on his parents to bail him out of all kinds of problems - especially financial ones. He has a degree from an excellent university, but his life is a mess. He has no relationship with out daughter.

So, when you become a helicopter parent, hovering over your adult son and trying to fix his problems - you set yourself and him up for failure. You prolong the inevitable - because someday you will not be here to help and he needs to be able to stand on his own, learn about life's consequences & learn to live independently.

I wish you good luck.

I second AND third this!!!

I minus one and minus two this.

I'm factoring in the ADHD and may be weighing it too heavily due to lack of experience with it. I'm treating it as he needs a little more support from her for a little bit longer.

Also, the detail that she has no insurance for therapy is bugging me. It's making me think he may not have any for whatever meds he may need. So I'm not sure how firm his footing is right now and I don't know that he could make it? I don't know that much about ADHD so I'm erring on the side of caution.

ssaraj43

Once his charges are cleared see if he has an interest in taking the ASVAB. Wouldn't hurt to talk to a recruiter. They do give waivers for people diagnosed with ADHD.

gypsy_spirit

The problem with disrupting your life and moving to help your son, is this: You will be continuing to operate under the false assumption that you are helping him. Clearing his record, cleaning up his messes, etc. is going to backfire big time on you. Eventually, you will realize that one of the best lessons we need to teach our children is personal responsibility. Optimally, it should be taught in the formative years in small doses. This assures that a child is ready at 18 to understand how this life works. Your child is learning too late and will probably suffer some consequences that will be hard for him and you.

I was married to a man for about 13 years that was raised by parents who bent over backwards to make sure life's consequences never found him. He was a consummate liar, a "do what I say - not what I do" person & a terrible role model for our daughter. He is in his 50s and still relies on his parents to bail him out of all kinds of problems - especially financial ones. He has a degree from an excellent university, but his life is a mess. He has no relationship with out daughter.

So, when you become a helicopter parent, hovering over your adult son and trying to fix his problems - you set yourself and him up for failure. You prolong the inevitable - because someday you will not be here to help and he needs to be able to stand on his own, learn about life's consequences & learn to live independently.

I wish you good luck.

I second AND third this!!!

I minus one and minus two this.

I'm factoring in the ADHD and may be weighing it too heavily due to lack of experience with it. I'm treating it as he needs a little more support from her for a little bit longer.

Also, the detail that she has no insurance for therapy is bugging me. It's making me think he may not have any for whatever meds he may need. So I'm not sure how firm his footing is right now and I don't know that he could make it? I don't know that much about ADHD so I'm erring on the side of caution.

Of course, you are entitled to your opinion. I worked with and taught children with varying degrees of learning disabilities for the last 28 years. ADHD can cause problems with decision making skills and usually presents with impulsive behaviors. Learning decision making skills and impulse control can be taught and learned - over time. Yes, sometimes adult children need more support than typically functioning adults. The problem comes when you, as a parent, begin to make life decisions that will not facilitate learning. Moving to a state where he can legally have drugs is not the answer. The answer is in helping him find a different path. I doubt that her dream for her son is to be a drug dealer for the rest of his life.

The problems I was addressing in my post were related to the mother's continued bailing out of her son. These are legal issues. Selling drugs will not result in an adult life that he can maintain. He needs boundaries in place and he needs to learn to feel the pain of natural and logical consequences. Until someone steps up and does this for him, he suffers. Until someone teaches him some life skills, he suffers.

MyChocolateDiet

The problem with disrupting your life and moving to help your son, is this: You will be continuing to operate under the false assumption that you are helping him. Clearing his record, cleaning up his messes, etc. is going to backfire big time on you. Eventually, you will realize that one of the best lessons we need to teach our children is personal responsibility. Optimally, it should be taught in the formative years in small doses. This assures that a child is ready at 18 to understand how this life works. Your child is learning too late and will probably suffer some consequences that will be hard for him and you.

I was married to a man for about 13 years that was raised by parents who bent over backwards to make sure life's consequences never found him. He was a consummate liar, a "do what I say - not what I do" person & a terrible role model for our daughter. He is in his 50s and still relies on his parents to bail him out of all kinds of problems - especially financial ones. He has a degree from an excellent university, but his life is a mess. He has no relationship with out daughter.

So, when you become a helicopter parent, hovering over your adult son and trying to fix his problems - you set yourself and him up for failure. You prolong the inevitable - because someday you will not be here to help and he needs to be able to stand on his own, learn about life's consequences & learn to live independently.

I wish you good luck.

I second AND third this!!!

I minus one and minus two this.

I'm factoring in the ADHD and may be weighing it too heavily due to lack of experience with it. I'm treating it as he needs a little more support from her for a little bit longer.

Also, the detail that she has no insurance for therapy is bugging me. It's making me think he may not have any for whatever meds he may need. So I'm not sure how firm his footing is right now and I don't know that he could make it? I don't know that much about ADHD so I'm erring on the side of caution.

Of course, you are entitled to your opinion. I worked with and taught children with varying degrees of learning disabilities for the last 28 years. ADHD can cause problems with decision making skills and usually presents with impulsive behaviors. Learning decision making skills and impulse control can be taught and learned - over time. Yes, sometimes adult children need more support than typically functioning adults. The problem comes when you, as a parent, begin to make life decisions that will not facilitate learning. Moving to a state where he can legally have drugs is not the answer. The answer is in helping him find a different path. I doubt that her dream for her son is to be a drug dealer for the rest of his life.

The problems I was addressing in my post were related to the mother's continued bailing out of her son. These are legal issues. Selling drugs will not result in an adult life that he can maintain. He needs boundaries in place and he needs to learn to feel the pain of natural and logical consequences. Until someone steps up and does this for him, he suffers. Until someone teaches him some life skills, he suffers.

I hope my post did not come across as condoning that she would be helping her son to be a better drug dealer or for a longer time? I thought I was clear that she would take him so that it would cut ties with whoever he is involved with now.

She was not clear in the beginning that she was bailing him out repeatedly when I gave my answer but even when that became more apparent, I still feel there is something about their dynamic that is eluding us because of probably the ADHD whether they've addressed it over time or not but also this lack of insurance issue. I even worry he may be self medicating if they don't have access to insurance. Overall he seems unready to be on his own as other 21 year olds would be as evidenced by his inability to get the point that he's already in some kind of trouble for it. For that reason I think a change of pace would not be too bad for them. They seem stuck in a rut and what they are doing clearly is not working, and sending him away and letting him return has not worked so far so it's the next logical step albeit an "unfair" one to her and a major one.

I know I'm entitled to my opinion. Even if it is less informed than yours with whatever your work experience is. That's why I stated my opinion. Because she is asking for it. She entitled me to my opinion in this thread, not you.

MyChocolateDiet

Once his charges are cleared see if he has an interest in taking the ASVAB. Wouldn't hurt to talk to a recruiter. They do give waivers for people diagnosed with ADHD.

Is that a MUG made out of chocolate with a white chocolate garnish and berries on it? On your avi?

ssaraj43

Once his charges are cleared see if he has an interest in taking the ASVAB. Wouldn't hurt to talk to a recruiter. They do give waivers for people diagnosed with ADHD.

Is that a MUG made out of chocolate with a white chocolate garnish and berries on it? On your avi?

Yes,and it's filled with tiramisu!!! I took this pic at Easter brunch. Needless to say we went back for Mothers Day :drinker: