My husband needs help...
Replies
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He has already had a heart attack at 18!
Are you being serious about the heart attack? That should be enough to get him off his *kitten*.
I am very serious about it. He was 310 and drinking Monsters like it was going out of business. He literally died in the ambulance and came back in 3 minutes....0 -
Here's a thought. Direct your energy on yourself--make sure you are living an active, healthy lifestyle, ensure your weight is where is should be, be a role model. Live your life. I suspect he will fear losing you and change his ways.0
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He has already had a heart attack at 18!
Are you being serious about the heart attack? That should be enough to get him off his *kitten*.
I am very serious about it. He was 310 and drinking Monsters like it was going out of business. He literally died in the ambulance and came back in 3 minutes....
Wow! That should be a wake up call right there. I don't know what to tell you.0 -
All you can do is encourage but nothing you can say or do will make him until he decides he needs to do it. I have the same with my wife, although she knows what she needs to do, she will not.
Keep on encouraging, don't nag and hopefully one day he will come around.0 -
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I understand it is his own choice and I can't force him to change.
You said it right there...0 -
If a heart attack and being unemployed aren't motivating him I sincerely don't know what would.
I don't envy your postion. I couldn't/wouldn't do it.0 -
dis gon be goood0
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I understand how difficult that could be. But if he doesn't care enough about himself to take back his health, there's really nothing you can do but sit back and watch him die.
I know that sounds bad. I know that feels bad. But you can't MAKE him care about himself. He's just not ready. And doesn't sound like he will be anytime soon.
I'm sorry. But there's really nothing you can do. He has already hit rock bottom by having a heart attack and literally dying. If that doesn't do it, I don't know what will.
I wish you both the best.0 -
Are you the one who usually cooks? When I started my fitness journey my husband wasn't interested and was skeptical that most healthy food would taste bad or not fill him up. You can start with small changes such as making smaller portions or cooking healthier meals. I started by changing to 2% milk and light sour cream to cut back on calories. Instead of oil fried chicken I would do breaded chicken in the oven then eventually un-breaded chicken breast. I started making salads to go with the meals as a side option including fruits like strawberries and apples in the salad to make them more appealing. If he gives feedback on the meals listen to what he is liking and not liking. I made changes slowly and often he didn't even notice the small changes I made to our meals. The best thing you can do is lead by example, invite him to go for a walk with you (which could be walking around a shopping area or park) and try not to fuss at him too much. Some people resist if they feel they are being told what to do. If he sees you starting to do better on your own and not asking him to do it he may become more interested in making changes. Also sometimes people are afraid of failing or being embarrassed if they don't get it right the first time. He may feel embarrassed about the situation. Feel free to add me if you need support or food ideas.0
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My husband is morbidly obese. Nor does he want to lose weight. Ive given up talking to him about it as he dont care, dont want to hear it and is not going to change ( sick of fighting over it, crying over it and begging for over 20 yrs! mind you its not his looks why i fuss, but flat out i dont want to lose him ). Nothing is going to happen until he wants it to. It was the same when I quit smoking. ( Thankfully he quit a cpl yrs after i did, the money we saved we bought a house) I prepare healthier meals at home but he has a mistress and her name is Debbie
Little Debbie that floozy! lol
I quit beating the dead horse and accept that we probably wont be 80 together, sad , heart breaking and true0 -
Leave.
I'm not being funny or anything but, total seriousness here, your husband is literally killing himself and clearly could care less about it or how it will affect you. I realize we're supposed to be treating you like your a bad person but, in order to take attention for you supposed 'controlling wife' tendencies I'm gonna be honest and say my husband would be short a wife if I was in your position.
Now I can be the bad wife.0 -
Sounds like you really care about your husband and want to help him. That's a tough situation if he doesn't want to help himself.
I knew a guy who had about 5 heart attacks but didn't change his lifestyle until his doctor started talking to him about strokes. When I asked him about this he told me if he had a heart attack he always figured he would either live or die and that would be then end of it-but the prospect of living as an invalid with possible brain damage was terrifying to him.0 -
When I was super heavy I was so depressed I didn't care what happened to me. I started out doing it for my kids because I didn't want them to lose their mother when they were still young. Then, as the weight started to come off and I started to feel physically better, I started working harder for myself. I don't know if you have kids or are planning to have them, but they were the strongest motivator for me. Just a thought.0
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Road trip: VA Hospital, Adult day care facility, and then a graveyard. Hmmm, change his perspective maybe?0
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He doesn't have a job, gaining weight, had a heart attack.....it sounds more like he's depressed. Perhaps, try to figure out what is bothering him first and see how you can help him. Give him lots of love and positive words which will help him. That's what I would do.
Good advice.0 -
Leave.
I'm not being funny or anything but, total seriousness here, your husband is literally killing himself and clearly could care less about it or how it will affect you. I realize we're supposed to be treating you like your a bad person but, in order to take attention for you supposed 'controlling wife' tendencies I'm gonna be honest and say my husband would be short a wife if I was in your position.
Now I can be the bad wife.
That's pretty much what I was thinking. You are 21. Go out and live.0 -
I'm sorry, but looking for ways to trick him into losing weight won't work. He either wants to or he doesn't.
You're young, if you can't deal with it you can still leave without too much ling term impact.0 -
Breadwinner? Cut down his food/drink intake? Just wow. Can't wait to come back and check on this thread later...
He doesn't have a job so that is why I said that I am the breadwinner
Pretty sure she understood. It's more a matter that the way you wrote your post inferred that because you were the breadwinner you had the "authority" to control what he ate. At least that's how I read it. He's got to make the choice, no matter how much you want to control it. Good luck.
I am not trying to seem like I am gloating about the situation. That was not my intent in this whole thing. I am just trying to find a way to motivate him WITHOUT seeming like I am controlling.
The easiest way that you could convince him that you were trying to motivate him without SEEMING like you are controlling is by not BEING controlling.
Take the words "breadwinner" "cutting his intake" etc out of your vocabulary.
Then empower him by asking him what ideas he has about weight loss/muscle buidling (whatever HIS goals are) because you want to budget the family meal budget to include that. Then you sit together and work on something or make a plan to get back to it at a later time that works for him.
This will take the pressure off him immediately giving in to you and will also give him time to think about what HIS desires for himself are and then....wait for it....YOU RESPECT THOSE. Even if you think your figure or success or education or breadwinner status has any rank over whatever he'd like to do you respect that his methods and goals may be valid and see where it takes him. If it's a fail you do not say "I told you so" b/c you presumably never did. Then when he seeks other methods you do NOT naysay or call HIM a failure if his method failed. You just ACT supportive while he figures things out. Maybe if you ACT supportive long enough one of these days you will actually be.
Supporting him financially does not mean you are being "supportive" in the context I mean. I hope you can understand that.0 -
Leave.
I'm not being funny or anything but, total seriousness here, your husband is literally killing himself and clearly could care less about it or how it will affect you. I realize we're supposed to be treating you like your a bad person but, in order to take attention for you supposed 'controlling wife' tendencies I'm gonna be honest and say my husband would be short a wife if I was in your position.
Now I can be the bad wife.
That's pretty much what I was thinking. You are 21. Go out and live.
Seriously this. Get out now before you spend however many years watching someone you love die0 -
He has already had a heart attack at 18!
Are you being serious about the heart attack? That should be enough to get him off his *kitten*.
I am very serious about it. He was 310 and drinking Monsters like it was going out of business. He literally died in the ambulance and came back in 3 minutes....
after an episode like this he is probably operating from a solid stance of denial. he died. that's what you said right? died.
he probably needs a little more than you trying to run his life for him. he needs to face what happened to him (on his own, not with you pushing that point). and then he needs to process it and come to his own conclusions about what is wrong with his picture. the best you can do if you intend to stick around is help when he gets to that place of "getting it". sometimes ppl who are so pressured can't see what's right in front of them b/c they are busy being defensive. maybe if you take away the thing for him to be defensive against he will be able to rest and take a look around?0 -
OP, I can relate. My hubby is not actually overweight but he eats alot of stuff he shouldn't even though he has high cholesterol/tryglycerides which is frustrating to me because I want to keep the dude around.
Honestly the only solution I've found is to cook for the man lol. If I have meals he likes that are healthy ready he will eat them. He tends to eat crap out of laziness because nothing is prepared. Not sure if that would help in your case but just throwing my two cents out there.0 -
Try having a conversation with him. Not one that says "I want..." but one that says "I feel..." Tell him how important he is to you and that living life without him would be more painful than anything you could ever comprehend. If you both want kids let him know that you want him to be there to see your kids grow up. To watch them play baseball, or be in a ballet recital, to see them graduate from high school, get married, have kids of their own.
Think of everythiing you want to do in life WITH him and tell him about it. And then just say, "When you are ready, I'll be here for you."
Best advice ever! In the mean time live (with movement and exercise) and eat in a healthy manner and show him by example that it works. I'll bet he will get on board soon.0 -
why does he have to change? you married a 300 pound 20 year old with no ambition to work or to improve his health. he already had a heart attack at an obscenely young age, didn't change his behavior, and you went ahead and married him with both eyes open. You signed up for this and NOW you want to manipulate him into becoming a different person?
he may not act like it, but he's grown and has to make his own decisions. if you don't like his decisions (and by GAWD you shouldn't) then leave. leave before you have kids and it's too late to get out clean0 -
TL;DR - don't nag. Be the example in what you do. Don't make love dependent on weight loss.
This!!
When I first started this journey, I wanted nothing more than my hubby to jump on board as well. Well, he wasn't into it like I was. So I just started doing "me." Waking up early to work out, logging my food, changing my eating habits, etc. and within a month, he was getting into it as well. So by me setting an example and following it and starting to lose weight, that was enough motivation for him to get his butt in gear as well.0 -
why does he have to change? you married a 300 pound 20 year old with no ambition to work or to improve his health. he already had a heart attack at an obscenely young age, didn't change his behavior, and you went ahead and married him with both eyes open. You signed up for this and NOW you want to manipulate him into becoming a different person?
he may not act like it, but he's grown and has to make his own decisions. if you don't like his decisions (and by GAWD you shouldn't) then leave. leave before you have kids and it's too late to get out clean
Sir,
You don't know the full story so to say all of that is premature. I am not manipulating him. He weighted less, had a job and wants to work again but can't find anything.0 -
He has already had a heart attack at 18!
Are you being serious about the heart attack? That should be enough to get him off his *kitten*.
I am very serious about it. He was 310 and drinking Monsters like it was going out of business. He literally died in the ambulance and came back in 3 minutes....
But who told him he had a heart attack? That doesn't make a heart attack. Were they giving him CPR? Did he pass out?0 -
He has already had a heart attack at 18!
Are you being serious about the heart attack? That should be enough to get him off his *kitten*.
I am very serious about it. He was 310 and drinking Monsters like it was going out of business. He literally died in the ambulance and came back in 3 minutes....
He told me a part of him went numb and he couldn't breathe, his mother was with him when it happened as well.
But who told him he had a heart attack? That doesn't make a heart attack. Were they giving him CPR? Did he pass out?0 -
why does he have to change? you married a 300 pound 20 year old with no ambition to work or to improve his health. he already had a heart attack at an obscenely young age, didn't change his behavior, and you went ahead and married him with both eyes open. You signed up for this and NOW you want to manipulate him into becoming a different person?
he may not act like it, but he's grown and has to make his own decisions. if you don't like his decisions (and by GAWD you shouldn't) then leave. leave before you have kids and it's too late to get out clean
Sir,
You don't know the full story so to say all of that is premature. I am not manipulating him. He weighted less, had a job and wants to work again but can't find anything.
You're right; he doesn't know the whole story. But I think what he is trying to say is that if he had a heart attack at age 18, he already had some really bad habits and was in danger at that point. I don't know if you guys were already married at age 18, but if you were, that's a whole 'nother can of worms.
None of that matters. You can't change him. You can only control what YOU do from here on out.0 -
Breadwinner? Cut down his food/drink intake? Just wow. Can't wait to come back and check on this thread later...
He doesn't have a job so that is why I said that I am the breadwinner
so... then where does he get the $$ for smokes and soda?0
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