My husband needs help...
Replies
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Leave.
I'm not being funny or anything but, total seriousness here, your husband is literally killing himself and clearly could care less about it or how it will affect you. I realize we're supposed to be treating you like your a bad person but, in order to take attention for you supposed 'controlling wife' tendencies I'm gonna be honest and say my husband would be short a wife if I was in your position.
Now I can be the bad wife.
That's pretty much what I was thinking. You are 21. Go out and live.
Nope man's opinion here. They guy is a deadbeat. I mean seriously I have let my health get lax before but never to the point where I actually had heart attacks. And at 18? 18!! I got preeeety bad but never that bad!. In order to be engaged in a meaningful relationship you have to be more to your partner than just a burden. Otherwise it's not a relationship. It's an act of charity. Honestly I feel bad for you because from the sound if it you love him to bits. Honestly if he is having heart attacks at 18 his health problems probably run deeper than simply being overweight. He probably eats nothing BUT crap and never gets up of the couch. Either that or he has a something seriously wrong with his heart. I recommend seeing a doctor first and foremost. Because honestly if you love this dude that much and want to keep him around it's time to take OFF the kitten gloves and start getting tough. Not because you are fed up. But because that's what he NEEDS. He doesn't need someone to sweet talk him and mother him he needs someone to kick his *kitten* into saving his own life.0 -
You can:
A) Get him screened for depression. Medication can help a lot of the issues youre outlining. This, I know.
Whatever your approach is, take the opposite. The current one isn't working. If you bring it up a lot, try not bringing it up at all. He knows what is happening to him & what he is. He doesn need a constant reminder
C) Tell him you love him. Every day.
D) Should he ever complain about being out of shape, call bull**** on him right there. Be direct and to the point, but don't make it personal. You do that by telling him what he can do to change that, but if he isn't going to attempt change it, youre tired of hearing about it.
Picking out coffins or threatening to leave are scare tactics that aren't the actions of someone who loves another, so stay off that road.
This is a battle between him and his higher power. Only he can solve it. All you can do is love him & be there when he's ready.0 -
You can:
A) Get him screened for depression. Medication can help a lot of the issues youre outlining. This, I know. Whatever your approach is, take the opposite. The current one isn't working. If you bring it up a lot, try not bringing it up at all. He knows what is happening to him & what he is. He doesn need a constant reminder
C) Tell him you love him. Every day.
D) Should he ever complain about being out of shape, call bull**** on him right there. Be direct and to the point, but don't make it personal. You do that by telling him what he can do to change that, but if he isn't going to attempt change it, youre tired of hearing about it.
Picking out coffins or threatening to leave are scare tactics that aren't the actions of someone who loves another, so stay off that road.
This is a battle between him and his higher power. Only he can solve it. All you can do is love him & be there when he's ready.
Just to get off topic a bit, looking at your pro pic made read your post in his voice. Made me laugh a little but trust me I got your advice.0 -
You loose weight first. Cook healthy meals, excercise during times that you would usually spend together. I assume your husband likes you...so then he will want to go with you. Say just so you know, I will be going for a walk from x time to x time everyday this week. Let me know if you want to go. Or I am buying a bike and going to ride, do you want one too? Make it 6-8 and he will miss you enough to go (assuming he likes you). Also if you cook healthy foods and then explain if he doesn't like dinner, he will be extra hungry for Breakfast/he knows how to make a sandwhich. It will become easier to eat the CHK/Veggies you made. Make grocery lists a very open thing. Say here is my list, what do you want for you. Do you want to eat what I am eating or are you making yourself something different. Not on the list, not in the cart. If you write your food down like that, then the difference in food choices is very obvious without you being the bad guy. Use coupons/sales/store planning as your excuse for it.
No one wants to be the fat one in the relationship. Work hard and at some point he will be jelious of your awesomness and join in. Don't push, that will make him do the opposite. If my husband told me I was getting fat (not that he ever would), I would freak out and probably buy some horrible food out of spite. I'll show you fat...0 -
Breadwinner? Cut down his food/drink intake? Just wow. Can't wait to come back and check on this thread later...
He doesn't have a job so that is why I said that I am the breadwinner
so... then where does he get the $$ for smokes and soda?
It is not as if I am eager to give him those things...things have happened between him and I where if I don't give him those things I rather not post in the thread alright?0 -
Hello,
I need help with trying to motivate my husband to lose weight, he is 6ft and near 300 pounds. Muscle could be a factor but physically I know the fat is the main reason. He keeps complaining about his weight but doesn't want to do what it takes to lose it because he thinks there is no reason for him too. I am almost at my limit trying to tell and show him what will happen if he doesn't try to improve his health. I am the breadwinner of the home so I try to cut down or out his soda intake and fried foods. He one time had 48 soda cans in a week....and his smoking habit is of course not helping. I am trying to maintain his intake but at the same time I understand it is his own choice and I can't force him to change. But is it going to take? He has already had a heart attack at 18! What can I do?
You already said it. It is his choice.0 -
Breadwinner? Cut down his food/drink intake? Just wow. Can't wait to come back and check on this thread later...
He doesn't have a job so that is why I said that I am the breadwinner
Helpful advice. STOP PAYING FOR HIM TO KILL HIMSELF WITH SMOKES! If he wants to smoke - he needs to go out and earn the money and buy it himself.
With that being said - you can not force him to do anything, but you sure as hell can stop contributing to it.0 -
why does he have to change? you married a 300 pound 20 year old with no ambition to work or to improve his health. he already had a heart attack at an obscenely young age, didn't change his behavior, and you went ahead and married him with both eyes open. You signed up for this and NOW you want to manipulate him into becoming a different person?
he may not act like it, but he's grown and has to make his own decisions. if you don't like his decisions (and by GAWD you shouldn't) then leave. leave before you have kids and it's too late to get out clean
^ This is the amazing truth that will set you free!0 -
See if he'll go to a lab and get blood tests.
I agree that he needs to go to the lab and get blood tests and talk about it with his doctor. He might have high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, etc. and need to be on meds. If he doesn't want to change he won't. He could feel like you are trying to control everything. It needs to be his choice. Buy healthy things at the store and cook those. If he doesn't want to eat it, he won't. Just continue to do it for yourself- logging your foods and exercising, etc. and no nagging and he will come around. Stay positive.
BTW- I am also the breadwinner. My BF always wanted to tell me I shouldn't eat this or that and just nag me about it all the time which made me want to do the opposite. The change for me came when I went to urgent care for something and found out I have diabetes. Since I've started MFP and logging food and watching calories my BF hasn't said anything negative anymore. He even wants to start logging his food and he's naturally slender. He hasn't seen the gym since college.0 -
So did he go to a hospital? Is his mom a doctor?
He told me a part of him went numb and he couldn't breathe, his mother was with him when it happened as well.He has already had a heart attack at 18!
Are you being serious about the heart attack? That should be enough to get him off his *kitten*.
I am very serious about it. He was 310 and drinking Monsters like it was going out of business. He literally died in the ambulance and came back in 3 minutes....
But who told him he had a heart attack? That doesn't make a heart attack. Were they giving him CPR? Did he pass out?0 -
it is not our job to be in charge of anyone but ourselves. I don't think it would bother me to be married to someone with extra weight until we could not do things together because of it and then I would have to tell him his weight is making me do things without him like bike ride, ride in amusement park rides, walk etc and so he will be spending a lot of times by himself if he doesn't lose weight. Life is too short not to have fun and I would like to have fun with him but if not it will be with others.
I would just go on with life and hopefully he will want to join you. Cant change him but maybe you can influence him to come along with you if he is alone enough.
^THIS. What you call "motivating" to him, sounds like criticism. Expecting anything I say or do to cause change in another person is greatly overestimating my power. Love him. Be good to him. Certainly you can share your concerns for his health--- but then let the matter go. Do you think he does not know he is fat? He knows. He has to make the decision.0 -
Breadwinner? Cut down his food/drink intake? Just wow. Can't wait to come back and check on this thread later...
He doesn't have a job so that is why I said that I am the breadwinner
so... then where does he get the $$ for smokes and soda?
It is not as if I am eager to give him those things...things have happened between him and I where if I don't give him those things I rather not post in the thread alright?
So you're enabling and perhaps codependent then?0 -
The problem is not your husband ....you married him as he is, now you want to hide behind his "issues"He has already had a heart attack at 18!
Are you being serious about the heart attack? That should be enough to get him off his *kitten*.
I am very serious about it. He was 310 and drinking Monsters like it was going out of business. He literally died in the ambulance and came back in 3 minutes....
DEAL WITH YOUR CODEPENDENCY leave him alone.0 -
Motivate him by your success. I would agree to not bring any more junk into the house even soda. He may see you changing, losing weight, exercising and be motivated that he can do it too. Tell him about all things healthwise. Honey today I read an article about this type of food that is really good for...etc.. blah blah blah..LOL.
Lead by example because yes he is an adult and you cant really make him. But you can support him and motivate him. Only use encouraging words nothing negative because that will only cause resentment and anger.0 -
So did he go to a hospital? Is his mom a doctor?
He told me a part of him went numb and he couldn't breathe, his mother was with him when it happened as well.He has already had a heart attack at 18!
Are you being serious about the heart attack? That should be enough to get him off his *kitten*.
I am very serious about it. He was 310 and drinking Monsters like it was going out of business. He literally died in the ambulance and came back in 3 minutes....
But who told him he had a heart attack? That doesn't make a heart attack. Were they giving him CPR? Did he pass out?
Yes he did and his mom was a doctor0 -
Wow. He feels powerless. Men, by nature, must employ their own power to change. He doesn't have any; therefore, no motivation to change. Ease up, girl!0
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Change my mind after reading more of your responses. Make a decision, do you love who he is or not. If the answer is no, then leave. If the answer is yes then leave him alone and let him be who he is. If the answer is maybe, then don't have kids and work on yourself. Either way you have to be the focus, you are 21. For me marriage is a lifetime commitment, but sometimes we make mistakes when you are young. I am my husband's second wife and so I am glad he got out of the destructive relationship. We are unbelievably happy and no kids from 1st marriage, so honestly I can't even tell you his first wives name at the moment. She was a teenage/early 20s mistake, sometime you got to move onward and upward. Or if you are happy, then be happy and know this is your life.0
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You could try taking the focus off him and his health. Maybe ask him to go for walks/runs with you because you don't want to go alone. You could also try learning a new physical activity together.
I'm not married but I've had several long dating relationships and one of the things I've noticed is that I am able to motivate my partner to workout and diet with me if I make it about them supporting me or about us having something we do together. I think a lot of guys are sensitive about their body like most women are. So it's hard for them to hear someone nagging about their weight or what they eat. How would you feel about it if the situation was reversed? Keep your husband off the defensive by making it about something other than his weight and eating habits.
My current boyfriend and I will walk or bike to a restaurant in our neighborhood rather than drive if we want to go out. We took a rock climbing class together. Initially he wasn't interested in doing these things so I'd go for a bike ride in the evening without him, come home, and tell him about what I saw and how much fun I was having. It didn't take long before he also wanted to come along. Now we push each other to work out harder. He was equally uninterested in going on a diet with me until I started talking about how great I felt and how much more energy I had.
I'd suggest that you tell your husband that you want to take up (fill in activity here) and that you want him to do it with you. Pick something that is going to be new to both of you. If he says no, do it yourself and tell him about the fun you're having and how much better you feel about your self. Keep the invitation for him to join your open and see where things go from there. Rather than nagging, make it his choice so that when he feels better about himself or is healthier, then it's because of his decision.0 -
So did he go to a hospital? Is his mom a doctor?
He told me a part of him went numb and he couldn't breathe, his mother was with him when it happened as well.He has already had a heart attack at 18!
Are you being serious about the heart attack? That should be enough to get him off his *kitten*.
I am very serious about it. He was 310 and drinking Monsters like it was going out of business. He literally died in the ambulance and came back in 3 minutes....
But who told him he had a heart attack? That doesn't make a heart attack. Were they giving him CPR? Did he pass out?
Yes he did and his mom was a doctor
SOoooooo....let's review. You said he weighed gained the weight after you married him but in the quotes above you said he weighed 310 when he was 18. you say he doesn't work and you give him the money to buy red bulls and cigs and if he doesn't you're now hinting at domestic abuse. and now....his mom is a doctor. and of course instead of going to Dr. Mom you seek out advice from strangers on the net for you to "manipulate him without being controlling"
yeah.....i'm getting the picture in focus now0 -
Breadwinner? Cut down his food/drink intake? Just wow. Can't wait to come back and check on this thread later...
He doesn't have a job so that is why I said that I am the breadwinner
so... then where does he get the $$ for smokes and soda?
It is not as if I am eager to give him those things...things have happened between him and I where if I don't give him those things I rather not post in the thread alright?
Ugh, I'm out0 -
So did he go to a hospital? Is his mom a doctor?
He told me a part of him went numb and he couldn't breathe, his mother was with him when it happened as well.He has already had a heart attack at 18!
Are you being serious about the heart attack? That should be enough to get him off his *kitten*.
I am very serious about it. He was 310 and drinking Monsters like it was going out of business. He literally died in the ambulance and came back in 3 minutes....
But who told him he had a heart attack? That doesn't make a heart attack. Were they giving him CPR? Did he pass out?
Yes he did and his mom was a doctor
SOoooooo....let's review. You said he weighed gained the weight after you married him but in the quotes above you said he weighed 310 when he was 18. you say he doesn't work and you give him the money to buy red bulls and cigs and if he doesn't you're now hinting at domestic abuse. and now....his mom is a doctor. and of course instead of going to Dr. Mom you seek out advice from strangers on the net for you to "manipulate him without being controlling"
yeah.....i'm getting the picture in focus now
Every time I come across something you post it makes me chuckle0 -
Breadwinner? Cut down his food/drink intake? Just wow. Can't wait to come back and check on this thread later...
He doesn't have a job so that is why I said that I am the breadwinner
so... then where does he get the $$ for smokes and soda?
It is not as if I am eager to give him those things...things have happened between him and I where if I don't give him those things I rather not post in the thread alright?
Ugh, I'm out
Oh dang op that is NOT ok. Seems like you got a bigger problem on your hands....literally.0 -
So did he go to a hospital? Is his mom a doctor?
He told me a part of him went numb and he couldn't breathe, his mother was with him when it happened as well.He has already had a heart attack at 18!
Are you being serious about the heart attack? That should be enough to get him off his *kitten*.
I am very serious about it. He was 310 and drinking Monsters like it was going out of business. He literally died in the ambulance and came back in 3 minutes....
But who told him he had a heart attack? That doesn't make a heart attack. Were they giving him CPR? Did he pass out?
Yes he did and his mom was a doctor
SOoooooo....let's review. You said he weighed gained the weight after you married him but in the quotes above you said he weighed 310 when he was 18. you say he doesn't work and you give him the money to buy red bulls and cigs and if he doesn't you're now hinting at domestic abuse. and now....his mom is a doctor. and of course instead of going to Dr. Mom you seek out advice from strangers on the net for you to "manipulate him without being controlling"
yeah.....i'm getting the picture in focus now
The confusion is in the timeline. at 18 yes he was 310 but he did lose weight after that. Fast forwarding 2-3 years later he gains it all back. Also I'm not saying domestic abuse, I'm just not trying to put all our problems out in the open ok? Also dealing with his mother is a whole other situation that I'm not getting into as well.0 -
Yoda rulz0 -
I don't see that anything suggested here will work. If this man refuses to take care of himself after a heart attack by eating right and cutting out Red Bulls and cigarettes, what on earth makes anyone think he'd go see a doctor for either blood work or depression?? And any other suggestions made here have been met with excuses why they wouldn't work.
Call me cynical/mean/unsympathetic, but sounds like he has things just how he likes them. She's working on looking better so he'll have a hot mama who brings home a paycheck and babies him so he doesn't keel over. And she is getting attention by saying "poor me...I don't know what to do about my husband."
I'm sorry. I know it sounds mean, but I work with people who regularly complain about how miserable their lives are, but they refuse to take any action to improve their circumstances. Instead of taking action, they make excuses. After the first few times of offering sympathy or the requested advice, when nothing happens or they make excuses, I shrug and say "it's your choice."0 -
Unfortunately, OP, you cannot make this decision for him. You may come from a place of love, but don't be a helicopter wife and try to control his food/drink intake. He won't follow through if he doesn't do it for himself.
Disclaimer: Haven't read the whole thread yet.0 -
Good Afternoon!
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Reported.
Also, see this while waiting for your post to disappear:
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/welcome/guidelines0 -
Nvm.
Good luck.0 -
He has already had a heart attack at 18!
Are you being serious about the heart attack? That should be enough to get him off his *kitten*.
I am very serious about it. He was 310 and drinking Monsters like it was going out of business. He literally died in the ambulance and came back in 3 minutes....
Wow! That should be a wake up call right there. I don't know what to tell you.
I have a good close friend I have known since high school. He was hospitalized for 1 month a few years back. Without going into details he pretty much was told by the doctors he was lucky to be alive and needed to change if he wants to avoid heart problems as he gets older. He's 6'4 and a little over 400 lbs. He has been this way for years. I tried and tried to motivate him, introduced him to MFP, dragged him out of the house to get him to join me at the gym but it just doesn't work. As others said, he has to want to do it himself.0 -
Wow, this thread got weirder?
OP I recommend going to counseling.
You have alluded to problems with him when you don't buy what he wants and all the possibilities that statement could be pointing to are very problematic and difficult to handle on your own. The thing with not having the best scenario with his mom is common and it's not surprising if his mom is a Dr. that the shoemakers child is going shoeless.
Really though I think that point you are not willing to touch on an open forum for privacy's sake is probably where the crux of the matter lies in your dynamic with him and his ability to get what he wants despite little effort. I think therapy would help both of you suss out how that dynamic is harmful and also what his true goals and intentions are or should be. It would also help you get any controlling language if not behavior under control if the relationships current circumstances are leading to habits that may be hard to break later when you are no longer the sole breadwinner.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.:flowerforyou:0
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