My husband needs help...

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  • Grumpsandwich
    Grumpsandwich Posts: 368 Member
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    My husband is morbidly obese. Nor does he want to lose weight. Ive given up talking to him about it as he dont care, dont want to hear it and is not going to change ( sick of fighting over it, crying over it and begging for over 20 yrs! mind you its not his looks why i fuss, but flat out i dont want to lose him ). Nothing is going to happen until he wants it to. It was the same when I quit smoking. ( Thankfully he quit a cpl yrs after i did, the money we saved we bought a house) I prepare healthier meals at home but he has a mistress and her name is Debbie :( Little Debbie that floozy! lol

    I quit beating the dead horse and accept that we probably wont be 80 together, sad , heart breaking and true
  • Achrya
    Achrya Posts: 16,913 Member
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    Leave.

    I'm not being funny or anything but, total seriousness here, your husband is literally killing himself and clearly could care less about it or how it will affect you. I realize we're supposed to be treating you like your a bad person but, in order to take attention for you supposed 'controlling wife' tendencies I'm gonna be honest and say my husband would be short a wife if I was in your position.

    Now I can be the bad wife.
  • disasterman
    disasterman Posts: 746 Member
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    Sounds like you really care about your husband and want to help him. That's a tough situation if he doesn't want to help himself.

    I knew a guy who had about 5 heart attacks but didn't change his lifestyle until his doctor started talking to him about strokes. When I asked him about this he told me if he had a heart attack he always figured he would either live or die and that would be then end of it-but the prospect of living as an invalid with possible brain damage was terrifying to him.
  • 0somuchbetter0
    0somuchbetter0 Posts: 1,335 Member
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    When I was super heavy I was so depressed I didn't care what happened to me. I started out doing it for my kids because I didn't want them to lose their mother when they were still young. Then, as the weight started to come off and I started to feel physically better, I started working harder for myself. I don't know if you have kids or are planning to have them, but they were the strongest motivator for me. Just a thought.
  • _Terrapin_
    _Terrapin_ Posts: 4,301 Member
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    Road trip: VA Hospital, Adult day care facility, and then a graveyard. Hmmm, change his perspective maybe?
  • mommyrunning
    mommyrunning Posts: 495 Member
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    He doesn't have a job, gaining weight, had a heart attack.....it sounds more like he's depressed. Perhaps, try to figure out what is bothering him first and see how you can help him. Give him lots of love and positive words which will help him. That's what I would do. :)

    Good advice.
  • fullersun35
    fullersun35 Posts: 162 Member
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    Leave.

    I'm not being funny or anything but, total seriousness here, your husband is literally killing himself and clearly could care less about it or how it will affect you. I realize we're supposed to be treating you like your a bad person but, in order to take attention for you supposed 'controlling wife' tendencies I'm gonna be honest and say my husband would be short a wife if I was in your position.

    Now I can be the bad wife.

    That's pretty much what I was thinking. You are 21. Go out and live.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    I'm sorry, but looking for ways to trick him into losing weight won't work. He either wants to or he doesn't.

    You're young, if you can't deal with it you can still leave without too much ling term impact.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    Breadwinner? Cut down his food/drink intake? Just wow. Can't wait to come back and check on this thread later...

    He doesn't have a job so that is why I said that I am the breadwinner

    Pretty sure she understood. It's more a matter that the way you wrote your post inferred that because you were the breadwinner you had the "authority" to control what he ate. At least that's how I read it. He's got to make the choice, no matter how much you want to control it. Good luck.

    I am not trying to seem like I am gloating about the situation. That was not my intent in this whole thing. I am just trying to find a way to motivate him WITHOUT seeming like I am controlling.

    The easiest way that you could convince him that you were trying to motivate him without SEEMING like you are controlling is by not BEING controlling.

    Take the words "breadwinner" "cutting his intake" etc out of your vocabulary.

    Then empower him by asking him what ideas he has about weight loss/muscle buidling (whatever HIS goals are) because you want to budget the family meal budget to include that. Then you sit together and work on something or make a plan to get back to it at a later time that works for him.

    This will take the pressure off him immediately giving in to you and will also give him time to think about what HIS desires for himself are and then....wait for it....YOU RESPECT THOSE. Even if you think your figure or success or education or breadwinner status has any rank over whatever he'd like to do you respect that his methods and goals may be valid and see where it takes him. If it's a fail you do not say "I told you so" b/c you presumably never did. Then when he seeks other methods you do NOT naysay or call HIM a failure if his method failed. You just ACT supportive while he figures things out. Maybe if you ACT supportive long enough one of these days you will actually be.

    Supporting him financially does not mean you are being "supportive" in the context I mean. I hope you can understand that.
  • Achrya
    Achrya Posts: 16,913 Member
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    Leave.

    I'm not being funny or anything but, total seriousness here, your husband is literally killing himself and clearly could care less about it or how it will affect you. I realize we're supposed to be treating you like your a bad person but, in order to take attention for you supposed 'controlling wife' tendencies I'm gonna be honest and say my husband would be short a wife if I was in your position.

    Now I can be the bad wife.

    That's pretty much what I was thinking. You are 21. Go out and live.

    Seriously this. Get out now before you spend however many years watching someone you love die
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    He has already had a heart attack at 18!

    Are you being serious about the heart attack? That should be enough to get him off his *kitten*.

    I am very serious about it. He was 310 and drinking Monsters like it was going out of business. He literally died in the ambulance and came back in 3 minutes....

    after an episode like this he is probably operating from a solid stance of denial. he died. that's what you said right? died.

    he probably needs a little more than you trying to run his life for him. he needs to face what happened to him (on his own, not with you pushing that point). and then he needs to process it and come to his own conclusions about what is wrong with his picture. the best you can do if you intend to stick around is help when he gets to that place of "getting it". sometimes ppl who are so pressured can't see what's right in front of them b/c they are busy being defensive. maybe if you take away the thing for him to be defensive against he will be able to rest and take a look around?
  • laurie04427
    laurie04427 Posts: 421 Member
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    OP, I can relate. My hubby is not actually overweight but he eats alot of stuff he shouldn't even though he has high cholesterol/tryglycerides which is frustrating to me because I want to keep the dude around.

    Honestly the only solution I've found is to cook for the man lol. If I have meals he likes that are healthy ready he will eat them. He tends to eat crap out of laziness because nothing is prepared. Not sure if that would help in your case but just throwing my two cents out there.
  • salladeve
    salladeve Posts: 1,053 Member
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    Try having a conversation with him. Not one that says "I want..." but one that says "I feel..." Tell him how important he is to you and that living life without him would be more painful than anything you could ever comprehend. If you both want kids let him know that you want him to be there to see your kids grow up. To watch them play baseball, or be in a ballet recital, to see them graduate from high school, get married, have kids of their own.

    Think of everythiing you want to do in life WITH him and tell him about it. And then just say, "When you are ready, I'll be here for you."

    Best advice ever! In the mean time live (with movement and exercise) and eat in a healthy manner and show him by example that it works. I'll bet he will get on board soon.
  • DavPul
    DavPul Posts: 61,406 Member
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    why does he have to change? you married a 300 pound 20 year old with no ambition to work or to improve his health. he already had a heart attack at an obscenely young age, didn't change his behavior, and you went ahead and married him with both eyes open. You signed up for this and NOW you want to manipulate him into becoming a different person?

    he may not act like it, but he's grown and has to make his own decisions. if you don't like his decisions (and by GAWD you shouldn't) then leave. leave before you have kids and it's too late to get out clean
  • HannahLynn91
    HannahLynn91 Posts: 238 Member
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    TL;DR - don't nag. Be the example in what you do. Don't make love dependent on weight loss.

    This!!

    When I first started this journey, I wanted nothing more than my hubby to jump on board as well. Well, he wasn't into it like I was. So I just started doing "me." Waking up early to work out, logging my food, changing my eating habits, etc. and within a month, he was getting into it as well. So by me setting an example and following it and starting to lose weight, that was enough motivation for him to get his butt in gear as well.
  • BritniGarner
    BritniGarner Posts: 61
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    why does he have to change? you married a 300 pound 20 year old with no ambition to work or to improve his health. he already had a heart attack at an obscenely young age, didn't change his behavior, and you went ahead and married him with both eyes open. You signed up for this and NOW you want to manipulate him into becoming a different person?

    he may not act like it, but he's grown and has to make his own decisions. if you don't like his decisions (and by GAWD you shouldn't) then leave. leave before you have kids and it's too late to get out clean

    Sir,

    You don't know the full story so to say all of that is premature. I am not manipulating him. He weighted less, had a job and wants to work again but can't find anything.
  • Bebubble
    Bebubble Posts: 938 Member
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    He has already had a heart attack at 18!

    Are you being serious about the heart attack? That should be enough to get him off his *kitten*.

    I am very serious about it. He was 310 and drinking Monsters like it was going out of business. He literally died in the ambulance and came back in 3 minutes....

    But who told him he had a heart attack? That doesn't make a heart attack. Were they giving him CPR? Did he pass out?
  • BritniGarner
    BritniGarner Posts: 61
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    He has already had a heart attack at 18!

    Are you being serious about the heart attack? That should be enough to get him off his *kitten*.

    I am very serious about it. He was 310 and drinking Monsters like it was going out of business. He literally died in the ambulance and came back in 3 minutes....

    He told me a part of him went numb and he couldn't breathe, his mother was with him when it happened as well.

    But who told him he had a heart attack? That doesn't make a heart attack. Were they giving him CPR? Did he pass out?
  • sassyjae21
    sassyjae21 Posts: 1,217 Member
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    why does he have to change? you married a 300 pound 20 year old with no ambition to work or to improve his health. he already had a heart attack at an obscenely young age, didn't change his behavior, and you went ahead and married him with both eyes open. You signed up for this and NOW you want to manipulate him into becoming a different person?

    he may not act like it, but he's grown and has to make his own decisions. if you don't like his decisions (and by GAWD you shouldn't) then leave. leave before you have kids and it's too late to get out clean

    Sir,

    You don't know the full story so to say all of that is premature. I am not manipulating him. He weighted less, had a job and wants to work again but can't find anything.

    You're right; he doesn't know the whole story. But I think what he is trying to say is that if he had a heart attack at age 18, he already had some really bad habits and was in danger at that point. I don't know if you guys were already married at age 18, but if you were, that's a whole 'nother can of worms.

    None of that matters. You can't change him. You can only control what YOU do from here on out.
  • AllonsYtotheTardis
    AllonsYtotheTardis Posts: 16,947 Member
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    Breadwinner? Cut down his food/drink intake? Just wow. Can't wait to come back and check on this thread later...

    He doesn't have a job so that is why I said that I am the breadwinner

    so... then where does he get the $$ for smokes and soda?

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