Stepchild acts like she doesn't want me around
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I know this is a bit of a sensitive topic for some, but please try and stick with me.
My fiance and myself have been together 16 (almost 17) months: he is 28 with a 8 year old daughter, I am 21 with a 3 year old son. My stepdaughter's mum died when she was 1, and although she has seen pictures and is in contact with her maternal family, she has only known a world where her dad is her only parent.
My son still sees his dad occasionally, and knows who he is.
Neither child calls the stepparent mum or dad, but by our names, and that's okay with each of us (my son has dabble with 'daddy' to my partner, but it's nothing we force on them).
We moved in together after just under a year of dating, however had spent weekend both alone: with one of our kids: with both kids together. During that period everything was fantastic.
After the move there has been a few adjustment issues for everyone, but we have our routine now. My son has probably went through the most: moved nursery, moved house, became night time toilet trained and learned how to sleep alone (without someone beside his bed until he fell asleep) within 4 months give or take an accident here or there.
He has settled well, treats me the same as always and respects my fiance.
My stepdaughter is a different kettle of fish. Her routine hasn't changed, and she gets more time with her dad now than she done before. She also doesn't get popped from one relative to another and then on to a babysitter while her dad works: so everything has became more settled for her, and she actually gets to go places like swimming, brownies, have friends in after school etc.
I always make sure she is up and ready for school, homework done, lunch packed and I am the designated taxi for both children (my fiance works while I'm waiting on uni to start again).
With her father and her relatives my stepdaughter acts like butter wouldn't melt - she tries to wrap her aunts and grandparents around her fingers, but is always very respectful and doesn't push any buttons. She is like this with me when other people are around, however when it's only us (and my son) she'll become a totally different person. She lies, she doesn't listen, she pushes boundaries, uses crocodile tears and then just sits in a mood if I try to speak to her: it gets to the point where she will sit in her room and not want to talk to my son or myself at all, only reappearing when her dad comes back from work.
When she has been disciplined by her dad about her behaviour she'll say sorry, promise not to do it again but a few days later it's back to being the way it was. Many people say "don't take it personally" but when it only happens to me, and only when no one else is around, it's hard not to.
I love my fiance dearly, and want to be with him indefinitely, but it's getting to the point where I think that we need to split up in order to do the best by her, and she does seem truly unhappy to be around me.
My fiance and myself have been together 16 (almost 17) months: he is 28 with a 8 year old daughter, I am 21 with a 3 year old son. My stepdaughter's mum died when she was 1, and although she has seen pictures and is in contact with her maternal family, she has only known a world where her dad is her only parent.
My son still sees his dad occasionally, and knows who he is.
Neither child calls the stepparent mum or dad, but by our names, and that's okay with each of us (my son has dabble with 'daddy' to my partner, but it's nothing we force on them).
We moved in together after just under a year of dating, however had spent weekend both alone: with one of our kids: with both kids together. During that period everything was fantastic.
After the move there has been a few adjustment issues for everyone, but we have our routine now. My son has probably went through the most: moved nursery, moved house, became night time toilet trained and learned how to sleep alone (without someone beside his bed until he fell asleep) within 4 months give or take an accident here or there.
He has settled well, treats me the same as always and respects my fiance.
My stepdaughter is a different kettle of fish. Her routine hasn't changed, and she gets more time with her dad now than she done before. She also doesn't get popped from one relative to another and then on to a babysitter while her dad works: so everything has became more settled for her, and she actually gets to go places like swimming, brownies, have friends in after school etc.
I always make sure she is up and ready for school, homework done, lunch packed and I am the designated taxi for both children (my fiance works while I'm waiting on uni to start again).
With her father and her relatives my stepdaughter acts like butter wouldn't melt - she tries to wrap her aunts and grandparents around her fingers, but is always very respectful and doesn't push any buttons. She is like this with me when other people are around, however when it's only us (and my son) she'll become a totally different person. She lies, she doesn't listen, she pushes boundaries, uses crocodile tears and then just sits in a mood if I try to speak to her: it gets to the point where she will sit in her room and not want to talk to my son or myself at all, only reappearing when her dad comes back from work.
When she has been disciplined by her dad about her behaviour she'll say sorry, promise not to do it again but a few days later it's back to being the way it was. Many people say "don't take it personally" but when it only happens to me, and only when no one else is around, it's hard not to.
I love my fiance dearly, and want to be with him indefinitely, but it's getting to the point where I think that we need to split up in order to do the best by her, and she does seem truly unhappy to be around me.
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Replies
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Maybe she needs therapy?
From what you've said in the past, with how her dead mum's family acts with her, and now you're getting married to her dad, she's going through some stuff emotion wise, and she's still too young to really understand her feelings - like stress, etc. She might know what it is, but knowing what it is and then experiencing it, are two different things.0 -
Well for starters you're not married so you don't have a stepchild and it's not fair for her to call her that when the commitment isn't officially there. She may not accept you and may never accept you, you're not her mother and it's her choice to accept you as that role or not. It's obvious she has not....In approx. ONE year the life she has known for 8years has been completely changed, did anyone think of the children first, counseling to assure how they felt?, a transition period(spending the weekends, doing fun things together) is NOT living together which is much more personal, your whole life changes...Now that change of course was wanted and looked forward to by yourself and partner...What about the children? It doesn't seem like one of them was game0
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You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.
You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.
You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.
You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.
This +10000 -
It only happens to you because you are the outsider. She has relationships with her father and other relatives. Usually when children rebel against a step parent it is because they feel that the step parent is somehow overstepping into territory they are not ready to share. You could be doing every thing right and still get this reaction. Testing boundaries is very typical behavior. She is trying to find out what you are made of. Are you going to stay around? Are you trying too hard to be the 'mother'? Does she see you as a threat to her relationship with the only parent she has left? You're only 13 years older than she is - how do you think she feels about that?
When all is said and done, none of us are going to be able to help you. You probably need to talk to someone (on a professional level) about how to proceed with all this. You're in precarious waters. I do wish you good luck.
Finally, I caution you to "first, do no harm". You're dealing with a child's life. All this needs to be sorted out, but the person to do this is her father. He needs to talk to her and see what she is feeling and dealing with.0 -
You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.
You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.
You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.
You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.
PREACH0 -
You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.
You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.
You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.
You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.
I don't want to be rude either, but I have to agree with this. I am 21, too, and I could not imagine getting married right now. I definitely agree to slow down. Also, is there anyway that you two could have a day alone, while someone watches your son? Maybe take her out and spend some quality time with her, like getting your toenails done or going to see a movie?
I also think she needs to have someone to talk to, professionally.0 -
You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.
You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.
You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.
You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.
Yes, and yes. I am 22 with a 1 1/2 year old and married. While our baby was an "oops" kid, she is my world, the wind beneath my wings, whatever you want to call it. On the other hand, getting married this young was a mistake. You change way too much in your early 20's, you have so much life experience ahead of you. Your boyfriend's daughter probably isn't ready to take you on as a role model. It will take time and PATIENCE. Losing your temper or acting like she is a brat will not benefit the relationship in any way. If I could take back getting married, I would, I would run screaming in the opposite direction. Let her have this time to adjust, however she needs to, and seriously think about taking it SLOWWWWW with your SO.0 -
You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.
You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.
You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.
You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.
I'm going to have to agree with this....
Also, you are expecting too much of her. She lost her mother young, she's hasn't had a stable childhood (in your words) and now her Dad is engaged to you after only 8 months of dating....and you've moved in together? These are major life changes that can have a profound impact on a child. I think she should be in therapy and you should grasp the significance of the lifestyle shift. You aren't just playing house - there are consequences and difficult issues here that need to be worked out.
Also, it's not always about you.0 -
Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?
That might have something to do with it.0 -
Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?
That might have something to do with it.
Beat me to it!0 -
Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?
That might have something to do with it.
+10 -
Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?
That might have something to do with it.
YES! I knew I remember seeing something from her before! Yeah....that poor child .... she is a good judge of character. Just sayin.0 -
Now that that truth bomb is out of the way, yes, you should break up with your fiancé for that little girl's sake.0
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Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?
That might have something to do with it.
Beat me to it!
Yes. I'm sure all of it --moving in together, the drama surrounding the wedding date, her extended family's feelings on the issue --- has a part in her behavior. Give her time. Possibly counseling. Slow way down and give her a chance to breathe.0 -
You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.
You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.
You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.
You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.
Wow. Just wow.
Sorry but I was 18 when I had my son, I was 21 when I met my husband, a month after meeting we were married.... 18 years later we are still married. Before I even met him in person (we'd only talked on the phone) I KNEW this was the man I was spending forever with.
How dare anyone say someone is to young to be a mother or to get married. How dare you. Do you KNOW this family? Yes they are FAMILY.... you do not need to be married to be family, and you don't need to be married to have a step-child.0 -
Counseling for every one!0
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You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.
You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.
You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.
You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.
Wow. Just wow.
Sorry but I was 18 when I had my son, I was 21 when I met my husband, a month after meeting we were married.... 18 years later we are still married. Before I even met him in person (we'd only talked on the phone) I KNEW this was the man I was spending forever with.
How dare anyone say someone is to young to be a mother or to get married. How dare you. Do you KNOW this family? Yes they are FAMILY.... you do not need to be married to be family, and you don't need to be married to have a step-child.
How dare you lot say that she is to young, or not ready or basically has no right? Like really how rude. So many rude people here.
The you're very rare....
Also we do know way too much about this family because of the previous posts from the OP...0 -
How did I know this would be you posting this, OP. All I can say is, welcome to step-parenthood. You shouldn't have gotten married to start.0
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I think it's going to take time, patience, and COMPASSION from you to wait out the storm. Everything feels very rushed. You and your boyfriend dated for a year, moved in, and now ~4 months later you've become engaged and are set to be married in a few years on the day before the anniversary of your soon-to-be-stepdaughter's mother's death.
My father dated and ended up moving in with a woman after he divorced my mother. I met her for the first time AND found out he was "cohabiting" with her on the same day that I saw him for the first time in 10 years. There was a well of jealously and hurt feelings that I was experiencing and I was TWICE the age of your soon-to-be-stepdaughter. There was insecurity about, "am I not enough for him? Why does he want to bring ANOTHER person into this family?" And to boot I didn't like this strange woman. She was NOTHING like my mother (or in your case, the way your soon-to-be-stepdaughter remembers or was told her mother was like) and she was very abrupt. She expected things without communicating them and she had radically different opinions than I.
In my case, I was respectful of her because I didn't want me father to choose her over me and send me away to never see him again. And because I wanted to make my Dad proud. But things were always tense between us. The tensions rose and escalated over the years until my father's cancer stole his vitality and my stepmom was left taking care of him, nearly hand and foot. My gratitude towards her for the day-in-day-out self-sacrificing to take care of my Dad outweighed the petty jealousies. And this took 10 years to get to this point.
Now, my Dad has passed away and my step-mom and I have grown closer because we are all that is left, and because it is what my Dad would want me to do.
tl;dr - a relationship with a step-child has to BUILT. It doesn't magically show up when you slip a ring on your finger. And in the end this is a marathon. This child will be your step daughter FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Use the time you have now to foster that relationship between you two.0
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