Stepchild acts like she doesn't want me around

k_nicole87

Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?

That might have something to do with it.

Wait....wat?

SERIOUSLY?

Mikkimeow

Maybe you should try talking to your boyfriend about it before consulting random strangers on the internet. This isn't therapy.com. If you think the answer to these problems is to end the relationship, then do it. You obviously have no clue how to be in one in the first place.

Dear God, I thought this was a f***ing weight loss website.

Stop gettin' so butthurt, newb.

nilbogger

So you two have been together about 16 months?

That's not a very long time. I know it seems like it's a long time, but it really isn't. Not enough time, in my opinion, for you to be moved in with and engaged to this man when there are children in the picture and you're only 21 years old.

Why are you in charge of getting this kid off to school, packing her lunch, etc? I know your fiance works, but who was doing it before you came into the picture?

If you're going to stay in this stuiation, you need to hand off more of the parenting of this young girl to your fiance. You are not her mother, you're not even her stepmother. Your role to her should be as a friend, a shoulder to lean on if she wants it, but not a mother figure.

Of course your son is adjusting better. He's much younger and neither of his parents are dead. This poor girl is thrust into a situation where she has to live with her dad's fiance who's not even old enough to be her mom yet trying to act like one. You guys aren't even married yet, so it's not a particularly stable situation for someone who's already lost a parent. Give her a break.

Mikkimeow

So you two have been together about 16 months?

That's not a very long time. I know it seems like it's a long time, but it really isn't. Not enough time, in my opinion, for you to be moved in with and engaged to this man when there are children in the picture and you're only 21 years old.

Why are you in charge of getting this kid off to school, packing her lunch, etc? I know your fiance works, but who was doing it before you came into the picture?

If you're going to stay in this stuiation, you need to hand off more of the parenting of this young girl to your fiance. You are not her mother, you're not even her stepmother. Your role to her should be as a friend, a shoulder to lean on if she wants it, but not a mother figure.

Of course your son is adjusting better. He's much younger and neither of his parents are dead. This poor girl is thrust into a situation where she has to live with her dad's fiance who's not even old enough to be her mom yet trying to act like one. You guys aren't even married yet, so it's not a particularly stable situation for someone who's already lost a parent. Give her a break.

Yup.

JassiBear

I know this is a bit of a sensitive topic for some, but please try and stick with me.


My fiance and myself have been together 16 (almost 17) months: he is 28 with a 8 year old daughter, I am 21 with a 3 year old son. My stepdaughter's mum died when she was 1, and although she has seen pictures and is in contact with her maternal family, she has only known a world where her dad is her only parent.
My son still sees his dad occasionally, and knows who he is.

Neither child calls the stepparent mum or dad, but by our names, and that's okay with each of us (my son has dabble with 'daddy' to my partner, but it's nothing we force on them).

We moved in together after just under a year of dating, however had spent weekend both alone: with one of our kids: with both kids together. During that period everything was fantastic.

After the move there has been a few adjustment issues for everyone, but we have our routine now. My son has probably went through the most: moved nursery, moved house, became night time toilet trained and learned how to sleep alone (without someone beside his bed until he fell asleep) within 4 months give or take an accident here or there.
He has settled well, treats me the same as always and respects my fiance.

My stepdaughter is a different kettle of fish. Her routine hasn't changed, and she gets more time with her dad now than she done before. She also doesn't get popped from one relative to another and then on to a babysitter while her dad works: so everything has became more settled for her, and she actually gets to go places like swimming, brownies, have friends in after school etc.

I always make sure she is up and ready for school, homework done, lunch packed and I am the designated taxi for both children (my fiance works while I'm waiting on uni to start again).

With her father and her relatives my stepdaughter acts like butter wouldn't melt - she tries to wrap her aunts and grandparents around her fingers, but is always very respectful and doesn't push any buttons. She is like this with me when other people are around, however when it's only us (and my son) she'll become a totally different person. She lies, she doesn't listen, she pushes boundaries, uses crocodile tears and then just sits in a mood if I try to speak to her: it gets to the point where she will sit in her room and not want to talk to my son or myself at all, only reappearing when her dad comes back from work.

When she has been disciplined by her dad about her behaviour she'll say sorry, promise not to do it again but a few days later it's back to being the way it was. Many people say "don't take it personally" but when it only happens to me, and only when no one else is around, it's hard not to.

I love my fiance dearly, and want to be with him indefinitely, but it's getting to the point where I think that we need to split up in order to do the best by her, and she does seem truly unhappy to be around me.

check her scalp for sixes.

laurenawolf

Is this step child red headed? If so a whoopin' might be in order. Otherwise I got nothing.

:explode: :explode: :explode:

k_nicole87

I know this is a bit of a sensitive topic for some, but please try and stick with me.


My fiance and myself have been together 16 (almost 17) months: he is 28 with a 8 year old daughter, I am 21 with a 3 year old son. My stepdaughter's mum died when she was 1, and although she has seen pictures and is in contact with her maternal family, she has only known a world where her dad is her only parent.
My son still sees his dad occasionally, and knows who he is.

Neither child calls the stepparent mum or dad, but by our names, and that's okay with each of us (my son has dabble with 'daddy' to my partner, but it's nothing we force on them).

We moved in together after just under a year of dating, however had spent weekend both alone: with one of our kids: with both kids together. During that period everything was fantastic.

After the move there has been a few adjustment issues for everyone, but we have our routine now. My son has probably went through the most: moved nursery, moved house, became night time toilet trained and learned how to sleep alone (without someone beside his bed until he fell asleep) within 4 months give or take an accident here or there.
He has settled well, treats me the same as always and respects my fiance.

My stepdaughter is a different kettle of fish. Her routine hasn't changed, and she gets more time with her dad now than she done before. She also doesn't get popped from one relative to another and then on to a babysitter while her dad works: so everything has became more settled for her, and she actually gets to go places like swimming, brownies, have friends in after school etc.

I always make sure she is up and ready for school, homework done, lunch packed and I am the designated taxi for both children (my fiance works while I'm waiting on uni to start again).

With her father and her relatives my stepdaughter acts like butter wouldn't melt - she tries to wrap her aunts and grandparents around her fingers, but is always very respectful and doesn't push any buttons. She is like this with me when other people are around, however when it's only us (and my son) she'll become a totally different person. She lies, she doesn't listen, she pushes boundaries, uses crocodile tears and then just sits in a mood if I try to speak to her: it gets to the point where she will sit in her room and not want to talk to my son or myself at all, only reappearing when her dad comes back from work.

When she has been disciplined by her dad about her behaviour she'll say sorry, promise not to do it again but a few days later it's back to being the way it was. Many people say "don't take it personally" but when it only happens to me, and only when no one else is around, it's hard not to.

I love my fiance dearly, and want to be with him indefinitely, but it's getting to the point where I think that we need to split up in order to do the best by her, and she does seem truly unhappy to be around me.

check her scalp for sixes.

:huh: Oh how witty and clever of you.

da_bears1008

Maybe she just doesn't like you?

Escloflowne

I know this is a bit of a sensitive topic for some, but please try and stick with me.


My fiance and myself have been together 16 (almost 17) months: he is 28 with a 8 year old daughter, I am 21 with a 3 year old son. My stepdaughter's mum died when she was 1, and although she has seen pictures and is in contact with her maternal family, she has only known a world where her dad is her only parent.
My son still sees his dad occasionally, and knows who he is.

Neither child calls the stepparent mum or dad, but by our names, and that's okay with each of us (my son has dabble with 'daddy' to my partner, but it's nothing we force on them).

We moved in together after just under a year of dating, however had spent weekend both alone: with one of our kids: with both kids together. During that period everything was fantastic.

After the move there has been a few adjustment issues for everyone, but we have our routine now. My son has probably went through the most: moved nursery, moved house, became night time toilet trained and learned how to sleep alone (without someone beside his bed until he fell asleep) within 4 months give or take an accident here or there.
He has settled well, treats me the same as always and respects my fiance.

My stepdaughter is a different kettle of fish. Her routine hasn't changed, and she gets more time with her dad now than she done before. She also doesn't get popped from one relative to another and then on to a babysitter while her dad works: so everything has became more settled for her, and she actually gets to go places like swimming, brownies, have friends in after school etc.

I always make sure she is up and ready for school, homework done, lunch packed and I am the designated taxi for both children (my fiance works while I'm waiting on uni to start again).

With her father and her relatives my stepdaughter acts like butter wouldn't melt - she tries to wrap her aunts and grandparents around her fingers, but is always very respectful and doesn't push any buttons. She is like this with me when other people are around, however when it's only us (and my son) she'll become a totally different person. She lies, she doesn't listen, she pushes boundaries, uses crocodile tears and then just sits in a mood if I try to speak to her: it gets to the point where she will sit in her room and not want to talk to my son or myself at all, only reappearing when her dad comes back from work.

When she has been disciplined by her dad about her behaviour she'll say sorry, promise not to do it again but a few days later it's back to being the way it was. Many people say "don't take it personally" but when it only happens to me, and only when no one else is around, it's hard not to.

I love my fiance dearly, and want to be with him indefinitely, but it's getting to the point where I think that we need to split up in order to do the best by her, and she does seem truly unhappy to be around me.

check her scalp for sixes.

:huh: Oh how witty and clever of you.

I don't get it...

Mikkimeow

Threads like these are why I drink.

kethry70

check her scalp for sixes.

Trolling in your own threads not good enough for you?

You're so concerned about how others feed their kids but patently unconcerned about the emotional well-being of an 8y.o. girl who has already lost a parent?

Myhaloslipped

You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.

You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.

You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.

You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.

Excellent advice.

Muddy_Yogi

Threads like these are why I drink.

Nah...these are why I eat popcorn...I drink when the 1200 calories or less idiots come out to play!

k_nicole87

Here's my opinion on marriage. And I'll tell you right now, I've never been married. So take it for what you will.

It's supposed to be for life, right? You're going to be with this one person for the rest of your life.

So why rush a wedding? Are you worried things will fall apart if you don't? Well then you definitely shouldn't be getting married.

If there are problems or reasons to hesitate or postpone, WAIT! Marriage is the last thing anyone should rush into. Do it because you can't imagine not spending the rest of your life with that person. Because you know in your heart this is the person you're going to love for the rest of your days. Nothing in life is 100% certain, but if there are this many problems before the wedding, what chance does the marriage have?

Like I said, I've never been married. Maybe that's because I take it pretty seriously.

Speaking as someone who married young and is still married, you are absolutely right. People tend to rush into it because it's exciting or whatever. ESPECIALLY young people. If something happened between me and my husband and things ended, I wouldn't do it again...for that exact reason.

DarkAngel272

Ask youself these questions. We don't have the answer to your problem, you do.


This relationship is still fairly new (17 months) why rush the marriage and living situation?
You are quite young. do you feel you don't need more time to mature and learn on your own?
Your life sounds stressful as you're tending to the kids and dad works. What happens when you start uni?
Has there been any counseling involved thus far?
If you're already thinking of splitting before you're even married, do you think that is a positive sign?

Sounds to me like you need to slow things way down like others have mentioned. Just take your time to make sure all parties are happy and comfortable or, at the very least, that you have put these children 100% first.

Good luck.

Mikkimeow

Threads like these are why I drink.

Nah...these are why I eat popcorn...I drink when the 1200 calories or less idiots come out to play!

And I pound shots when juice cleansers stomp the forums. :drinker:

ShinyFuture

She lies, she doesn't listen, she pushes boundaries, uses crocodile tears and then just sits in a mood if I try to speak to her: it gets to the point where she will sit in her room and not want to talk to my son or myself at all, only reappearing when her dad comes back from work.

When she has been disciplined by her dad about her behaviour she'll say sorry, promise not to do it again but a few days later it's back to being the way it was. Many people say "don't take it personally" but when it only happens to me, and only when no one else is around, it's hard not to.

OP, I was you. I've learned some very painful lessons, so for what it's worth:

She's 8, she's confused, her whole life changed - and just because it's improved by your standards doesn't mean that she sees all that change as better - and you're the adult. Act like it. There's jealousy and resentment coming through your post - from you and her.

If you don't take any other piece of advice about this, please consider getting everyone into counseling.

Otherwise, my advice is leave the kid alone. Agree with her dad on what the minimum requirements are (and try to be reasonable) regarding conduct (ie, no lying), rude behavior , treatment of you and your child, share of household chores, etc and then have him and her (not you) agree on what her rules are. - and as long as those are met, leave her alone. Let her pout, let her sit in her room, let her act like you don't exist, just let her be. Let the dad deal with any breaks in the agreement. And don't tattle on her all the time.

One of two things will happen - she'll come around and things will get better, or she won't and things will stay the same. But the more you try to force her into behaving (or worse, feeling,) the way you think she should, the worse it will all get.

Good luck to all of you.

nilbogger

Threads like these are why I drink.

Nah...these are why I eat popcorn...I drink when the 1200 calories or less idiots come out to play!

And I pound shots when juice cleansers stomp the forums. :drinker:

Yes, it's my very own version of a juice cleanse.

k_nicole87

She lies, she doesn't listen, she pushes boundaries, uses crocodile tears and then just sits in a mood if I try to speak to her: it gets to the point where she will sit in her room and not want to talk to my son or myself at all, only reappearing when her dad comes back from work.

When she has been disciplined by her dad about her behaviour she'll say sorry, promise not to do it again but a few days later it's back to being the way it was. Many people say "don't take it personally" but when it only happens to me, and only when no one else is around, it's hard not to.

OP, I was you. I've learned some very painful lessons, so for what it's worth:

She's 8, she's confused, her whole life changed - and just because it's improved by your standards doesn't mean that she sees all that change as better - and you're the adult. Act like it. There's jealousy and resentment coming through your post - from you and her.

If you don't take any other piece of advice about this, please consider getting everyone into counseling.

Otherwise, my advice is leave the kid alone. Agree with her dad on what the minimum requirements are (and try to be reasonable) regarding conduct (ie, no lying), rude behavior , treatment of you and your child, share of household chores, etc and then have him and her (not you) agree on what her rules are. - and as long as those are met, leave her alone. Let her pout, let her sit in her room, let her act like you don't exist, just let her be. Let the dad deal with any breaks in the agreement. And don't tattle on her all the time.

One of two things will happen - she'll come around and things will get better, or she won't and things will stay the same. But the more you try to force her into behaving (or worse, feeling,) the way you think she should, the worse it will all get.

Good luck to all of you.

:flowerforyou: :drinker: