Stepchild acts like she doesn't want me around
Replies
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I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
An 8 year old. Who's already in shock, your advice is to physically abuse her? Just wow....
Right?!? WTF
Not abuse. Punching slapping kicking is abuse. Spanking is not.
A child who mouths off is disrespectful to elders warrants getting disciplined. You don't let it slide, no matter how "hurt" the child is. Parents who never tell their kids "no", let them do what they want, and run the household are the problem, not the child...BUT WAIT. What happens when that child grows up? All those undisciplined times thinking every little personal hardship is someones fault, thinking the world owes them something. I believe in showing sympathy...but the child has to learn to adapt to the new situation. That's the way life goes. It doesn't mean you shouldn't get the help your child needs, but if the behavior is habitual and the kid is just making OP's life a living hell because she can...that's wrong and punishment needs to come into place. Behavior needs corrected.
So you're condoning this child to let her do whatever she wants, when she wants? That's being part of your childs attitude problem, not a parent.
You act like if you don't spank your children, they receive no discipline. You are putting you hands on a child that just lost her mother and going through puberty (ie probably too old to be "spanked" even if you believe in spanking). That is remarkably questionable behavior and you are rightly getting called out.
And where did I say that? Go back and read. I said it as a suggestion. I didn't say she NEEDED to but she needs to consider it. I have a stubborn child, the only time she considered listening to me is when her or her father spanks her. I got spanked with a paddle up until the age of 17 because I couldn't listen. Worked fine for me...I'm not going around crying tears of unhappiness screaming abuse. We use spanking as an absolute last result, and 100% of the time it's the only thing that gets through to her.
As for my step-daughter her mother died on MAY 27th OF THIS YEAR. She's not giving us attitude because her world is turned upside down, she's sad and grieving but she also knows she has her dad and I -- and we are here for her no matter what. Instead she's loving on us because we've been there for her. Yes this child was younger, but children are adaptable and regardless of age she should be grateful she has a mother (the OP) who wants to be close and wants to love her.
Honestly woman, I would not like having you as a mother. Physically hurting your child to prove a point... Children are to be guided and raised with love. Do I believe in consequences? Yes. Do I think that according to your advice, this poor child should be grateful for a new mommy? God no. It made me a little sick to read your comments. You sound like a very cold and self righteous individual, and you are giving terrible advice. This girl doesn't need a spanking, she needs therapy and to be given the resources to cope with her dad finding another woman.0 -
Um excuse me? WHAT? She is grieving her mom but she's called me her mother since day 1...hadnt seen her in over a year b/c guess what? Her mom was running from the law and her life choices caught up with her causing her to be dead at the age of 36. Her mother was the one who abandoned her...not the other way around. Sad no matter how close she was with her mother, but my daughter's situation is something you have absolutely NO CLUE ABOUT.I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
OMG!!! you could not BE more wrong!! she is TWELVE and she just lost her MOTHER. everything that she is feeling and doing and saying right now is directly related to that. she is GRIEVING HER MOM. back off!
how do i know? b/c my dad died when i was 13. and "buckling down on that nonsense" and "you're just acting out" meant that i wasn't allowed to feel. and do you know how a teenager avoids feeling? b/c i do. by 15 i was pretty strung out on whatever drugs i could get my hands on.
give the girl room to grieve. are the rules going to change for a bit? yes. and they should. the same as they would for you if your mom died and YOU are a grown up. not a kid who needs your parent right now.
take her to a therapist to work through this and back off.
A dead parent is no excuse for a child to lash out and do what they want. Sorry. I stand firm on that.
Have you ever stopped to consider that being spanked until you were 17 years old might be the reason you need a 12 year girl who lost her mother to respect you at all times?
Honestly, that you don't understand how a child would love and be devastated by the loss of even a terrible parent is so sad. That girl need professional help.0 -
I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
An 8 year old. Who's already in shock, your advice is to physically abuse her? Just wow....
Right?!? WTF
Seriously!
It took me a while to respond to this because....shock.
This post is terrifying.0 -
Um excuse me? WHAT? She is grieving her mom but she's called me her mother since day 1...hadnt seen her in over a year b/c guess what? Her mom was running from the law and her life choices caught up with her causing her to be dead at the age of 36. Her mother was the one who abandoned her...not the other way around. Sad no matter how close she was with her mother, but my daughter's situation is something you have absolutely NO CLUE ABOUT.I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
OMG!!! you could not BE more wrong!! she is TWELVE and she just lost her MOTHER. everything that she is feeling and doing and saying right now is directly related to that. she is GRIEVING HER MOM. back off!
how do i know? b/c my dad died when i was 13. and "buckling down on that nonsense" and "you're just acting out" meant that i wasn't allowed to feel. and do you know how a teenager avoids feeling? b/c i do. by 15 i was pretty strung out on whatever drugs i could get my hands on.
give the girl room to grieve. are the rules going to change for a bit? yes. and they should. the same as they would for you if your mom died and YOU are a grown up. not a kid who needs your parent right now.
take her to a therapist to work through this and back off.
A dead parent is no excuse for a child to lash out and do what they want. Sorry. I stand firm on that.
Have you ever stopped to consider that being spanked until you were 17 years old might be the reason you need a 12 year girl who lost her mother to respect you at all times?
Honestly, that you don't understand how a child would love and be devastated by the loss of even a terrible parent is so sad. That girl need professional help.
I don't think she genuinely understands how cruel that is.0 -
+10
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When Trish and I first moved in together her son was 5, mine was 1. Her son absolutely hated my guts, I wasn't ever going to replace his daddy. I said "oh boy" and wondered what I was getting myself in to.
Thing is, I didn't try to change his mind. I was just there. I did me, like I always do. It took a few years, and many times of me wondering whether or not I'd ever get a chance... then one day the oddest thing happened. Jeremy slipped up and called me dad (my little one took to calling Trish mom fairly quickly, but given his age it wasn't too surprising. We never forced the issue either)...
Anyway, we both kind of looked at each other,Jeremy and I, me surprised, but not as much as he was. He then shrugged it off, and has been calling me dad ever since. Kids. Go figure.
Moral of the story, give it time.
A few things I decided were a bad idea from the get go... Step child. I loved the comment from a poster above about the only steps in the house being the ones you take to get from one level of the house to another. Children are children, it's up to you, but I'd feel alienated if someone always reminded me that I wasn't just dad.
Getting married on the anniversary of her mother's death is probably a horrible idea that will haunt your relationship for years. Actually I am sure that is the downright stupidest thing I've EVER heard of doing, it's like you're trying to erase mommy. You couldn't ask for more trouble had to walked into that child's life and told her you were taking her daddy away too. Which is honestly how she might feel.
That's why I say, give it time. She'll either eventually accept you or she won't. That doesn't mean you need to put up with attitude or disrespect, but try to put yourself in her shoes. How would you act given the same circumstances?
You're the adult, the most you can do is love that child regardless of how she feels about you, and hope that one day through sheer perseverance her mind will change. It's nothing you can force on her, she has to make her mind up for herself in those regards.
I asked Jeremy one time, "Why did you decide to call me dad, what did I do that changed your mind about me?" He got this look of intense concentration and you could see the gears turning, then with all the honesty in the world that child melted my heart.
He told me it was because I hadn't given up on him, that I was there for him, and that he could see I treated him and his mother better than his real dad did. But, then he grabbed my arm and looked at me even harder, and said "But you're my real dad too, right?"...
If that isn't acceptance, I don't know what is... and I never once have regretted sticking to my guns, and shouldering on through my relationship with my (now) wife and children. We might be a mixed family but we definitely don't see it that way. It did take time though. Years of it.0 -
Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?
That might have something to do with it.
Ah... Now it's all coming back to me...0 -
When Trish and I first moved in together her son was 5, mine was 1. Her son absolutely hated my guts, I wasn't ever going to replace his daddy. I said "oh boy" and wondered what I was getting myself in to.
Thing is, I didn't try to change his mind. I was just there. I did me, like I always do. It took a few years, and many times of me wondering whether or not I'd ever get a chance... then one day the oddest thing happened. Jeremy slipped up and called me dad (my little one took to calling Trish mom fairly quickly, but given his age it wasn't too surprising. We never forced the issue either)...
Anyway, we both kind of looked at each other,Jeremy and I, me surprised, but not as much as he was. He then shrugged it off, and has been calling me dad ever since. Kids. Go figure.
Moral of the story, give it time.
A few things I decided were a bad idea from the get go... Step child. I loved the comment from a poster above about the only steps in the house being the ones you take to get from one level of the house to another. Children are children, it's up to you, but I'd feel alienated if someone always reminded me that I wasn't just dad.
Getting married on the anniversary of her mother's death is probably a horrible idea that will haunt your relationship for years. Actually I am sure that is the downright stupidest thing I've EVER heard of doing, it's like you're trying to erase mommy. You couldn't ask for more trouble had to walked into that child's life and told her you were taking her daddy away too. Which is honestly how she might feel.
That's why I say, give it time. She'll either eventually accept you or she won't. That doesn't mean you need to put up with attitude or disrespect, but try to put yourself in her shoes. How would you act given the same circumstances?
You're the adult, the most you can do is love that child regardless of how she feels about you, and hope that one day through sheer perseverance her mind will change. It's nothing you can force on her, she has to make her mind up for herself in those regards.
I asked Jeremy one time, "Why did you decide to call me dad, what did I do that changed your mind about me?" He got this look of intense concentration and you could see the gears turning, then with all the honesty in the world that child melted my heart.
He told me it was because I hadn't given up on him, that I was there for him, and that he could see I treated him and his mother better than his real dad did. But, then he grabbed my arm and looked at me even harder, and said "But you're my real dad too, right?"...
If that isn't acceptance, I don't know what is... and I never once have regretted sticking to my guns, and shouldering on through my relationship with my (now) wife and children. We might be a mixed family but we definitely don't see it that way. It did take time though. Years of it.
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I love my fiance dearly, and want to be with him indefinitely, but it's getting to the point where I think that we need to split up in order to do the best by her, and she does seem truly unhappy to be around me.
This wasn't mentioned in your post but it's something that came up when my mom remarried. Do you and her dad ever argue in front of her? I had a really hard time adjusting to my mom's new husband because I didn't like how he talked to her when they would argue. So if you do have arguments in front of the children that could be a factor especially if she hears you fighting about her.
One more thing to consider. If you want her to treat you like a parent then you should treat her like a daughter. You wouldn't leave your son if he wasn't behaving. You'd figure out how to get through it. If you really want to be a mother figure to her then it's important to treat her like your daughter not just your boyfriend's child.0 -
When Trish and I first moved in together her son was 5, mine was 1. Her son absolutely hated my guts, I wasn't ever going to replace his daddy. I said "oh boy" and wondered what I was getting myself in to.
Thing is, I didn't try to change his mind. I was just there. I did me, like I always do. It took a few years, and many times of me wondering whether or not I'd ever get a chance... then one day the oddest thing happened. Jeremy slipped up and called me dad (my little one took to calling Trish mom fairly quickly, but given his age it wasn't too surprising. We never forced the issue either)...
Anyway, we both kind of looked at each other,Jeremy and I, me surprised, but not as much as he was. He then shrugged it off, and has been calling me dad ever since. Kids. Go figure.
Moral of the story, give it time.
A few things I decided were a bad idea from the get go... Step child. I loved the comment from a poster above about the only steps in the house being the ones you take to get from one level of the house to another. Children are children, it's up to you, but I'd feel alienated if someone always reminded me that I wasn't just dad.
Getting married on the anniversary of her mother's death is probably a horrible idea that will haunt your relationship for years. Actually I am sure that is the downright stupidest thing I've EVER heard of doing, it's like you're trying to erase mommy. You couldn't ask for more trouble had to walked into that child's life and told her you were taking her daddy away too. Which is honestly how she might feel.
That's why I say, give it time. She'll either eventually accept you or she won't. That doesn't mean you need to put up with attitude or disrespect, but try to put yourself in her shoes. How would you act given the same circumstances?
You're the adult, the most you can do is love that child regardless of how she feels about you, and hope that one day through sheer perseverance her mind will change. It's nothing you can force on her, she has to make her mind up for herself in those regards.
I asked Jeremy one time, "Why did you decide to call me dad, what did I do that changed your mind about me?" He got this look of intense concentration and you could see the gears turning, then with all the honesty in the world that child melted my heart.
He told me it was because I hadn't given up on him, that I was there for him, and that he could see I treated him and his mother better than his real dad did. But, then he grabbed my arm and looked at me even harder, and said "But you're my real dad too, right?"...
If that isn't acceptance, I don't know what is... and I never once have regretted sticking to my guns, and shouldering on through my relationship with my (now) wife and children. We might be a mixed family but we definitely don't see it that way. It did take time though. Years of it.
Ah, right in the feels. Thank you. :sad:0 -
So many questions OP hasn't answered...0
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OP, I'm not even sure if you are around this deep in the thread. There's been a lot of angry people screaming that you are too young, and some other angry person screaming at you to beat her tail, and then some other angry people screaming back at that person about what a horrid person SHE is. Which helps you not one bit.
I've been with my current husband for 5 years. We've been married for two months of that. Lol. When we got together he had a one year old daughter with a girl he just couldn't tolerate. Whoops. So for five years now I've been the step mother... of sorts.
Never forget that up until just a few months ago you were a complete stranger to this girl. Now you are coming in and trying to be the mother that you think that she wants you to be, being home all the time, and making brownies, and having her friends over, etc. But did you ever take the time to get to know her so that you can be the mother she actually DOES want you to be? You are smothering her. Back off. Please step away from the child. Be polite, be cordial, and when she asks you for things, you can do them if you think it's appropriate. But you are currently trying to force a relationship that will only develop with time and continued interaction. To all the people saying she needs to take the girl out and do more things with her, I can't help but feel this is not the right answer. She needs to back off, give the girl room to breathe, and let the girl go out and do more one on one things with her Dad.
For years I took this approach with my husbands daughter. Now, she's six and we have a good relationship. I believe she trusts me. She tells me things she's not comfortable telling other people. She asks for my help. We play, she wants my attention, and when she was confused about what I actually was in relation to her, and grasping for straws I said 'well I guess I'm your step mother' she ran around all day yelling 'STEP MOM' at the top of her lungs whenever she needed something, which honestly amused the crap out of me.
And incidently, I have never laid a hand on her to punish her. I've chased her down, picked her up and carried her back to where she needed to be, but I've never spanked her. It's not my right. And trust me there's far more effective ways to get the desired behavior out of her then spanking her bottom. I can be stern with her, but I don't yell at her, or spank her.0 -
I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
An 8 year old. Who's already in shock, your advice is to physically abuse her? Just wow....
Right?!? WTF
Seriously!
It took me a while to respond to this because....shock.
The poster who wrote this is a terrifying human being.
Agreed.
I got married at 20, had a baby a year later and was out of the marriage a year after that. I didn't know what I really wanted until I was around 30 and then I still continued to evolve, but by this time I had married someone who evolved with me.
I don't think you should be living in that house when there are children involved. Nothing, and I mean nothing, came before my son.0 -
Just break up.0
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When Trish and I first moved in together her son was 5, mine was 1. Her son absolutely hated my guts, I wasn't ever going to replace his daddy. I said "oh boy" and wondered what I was getting myself in to.
Thing is, I didn't try to change his mind. I was just there. I did me, like I always do. It took a few years, and many times of me wondering whether or not I'd ever get a chance... then one day the oddest thing happened. Jeremy slipped up and called me dad (my little one took to calling Trish mom fairly quickly, but given his age it wasn't too surprising. We never forced the issue either)...
Anyway, we both kind of looked at each other,Jeremy and I, me surprised, but not as much as he was. He then shrugged it off, and has been calling me dad ever since. Kids. Go figure.
Moral of the story, give it time.
A few things I decided were a bad idea from the get go... Step child. I loved the comment from a poster above about the only steps in the house being the ones you take to get from one level of the house to another. Children are children, it's up to you, but I'd feel alienated if someone always reminded me that I wasn't just dad.
Getting married on the anniversary of her mother's death is probably a horrible idea that will haunt your relationship for years. Actually I am sure that is the downright stupidest thing I've EVER heard of doing, it's like you're trying to erase mommy. You couldn't ask for more trouble had to walked into that child's life and told her you were taking her daddy away too. Which is honestly how she might feel.
That's why I say, give it time. She'll either eventually accept you or she won't. That doesn't mean you need to put up with attitude or disrespect, but try to put yourself in her shoes. How would you act given the same circumstances?
You're the adult, the most you can do is love that child regardless of how she feels about you, and hope that one day through sheer perseverance her mind will change. It's nothing you can force on her, she has to make her mind up for herself in those regards.
I asked Jeremy one time, "Why did you decide to call me dad, what did I do that changed your mind about me?" He got this look of intense concentration and you could see the gears turning, then with all the honesty in the world that child melted my heart.
He told me it was because I hadn't given up on him, that I was there for him, and that he could see I treated him and his mother better than his real dad did. But, then he grabbed my arm and looked at me even harder, and said "But you're my real dad too, right?"...
If that isn't acceptance, I don't know what is... and I never once have regretted sticking to my guns, and shouldering on through my relationship with my (now) wife and children. We might be a mixed family but we definitely don't see it that way. It did take time though. Years of it.
Where did all these onions come from?0 -
I love my fiance dearly, and want to be with him indefinitely, but it's getting to the point where I think that we need to split up in order to do the best by her, and she does seem truly unhappy to be around me.
This wasn't mentioned in your post but it's something that came up when my mom remarried. Do you and her dad ever argue in front of her? I had a really hard time adjusting to my mom's new husband because I didn't like how he talked to her when they would argue. So if you do have arguments in front of the children that could be a factor especially if she hears you fighting about her.
One more thing to consider. If you want her to treat you like a parent then you should treat her like a daughter. You wouldn't leave your son if he wasn't behaving. You'd figure out how to get through it. If you really want to be a mother figure to her then it's important to treat her like your daughter not just your boyfriend's child.
Quoting because important info.0 -
My dad was a serial dater. He would move women in and those women would expect me to respect them. They would be gone (fairly quickly). My dad didn't have custody, so I didn't have to deal with it 24/7, but when I was there, it was hard for me to like them because I knew that A.) they wouldn't last and B.) I didn't think I should have to respect someone I barely knew. Maybe she feels the same way, based on her father's past.0
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Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?
That might have something to do with it.
But if she was 1 when her mom died surely she has no memories of her.
I very much doubt this is an issue unless other people make it an issue.0 -
Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?
That might have something to do with it.
But if she was 1 when her mom died surely she has no memories of her.
I very much doubt this is an issue unless other people make it an issue.
Except when a parent dies, the other parent or grandparents tell the child about the dead parent, so they aren't forgotten. It's very possible for this girl to feel a connection/loyalty to her mother without anyone filling her head with ideas. It's very easy to idealize somebody who is dead and cannot dissapoint you.0 -
Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?
That might have something to do with it.
But if she was 1 when her mom died surely she has no memories of her.
I very much doubt this is an issue unless other people make it an issue.
True- she may not have a memory of her.. but for years now her mother's family I am sure have been showing her pictures- taking her to the grave every year on that day.. I am sure this little girl is effected every mother's day when schools make projects.. etc! Just because she may not have a strong memory of her does not dismiss that she does not feel sad because of it!
There is absolutely no excuse.. what are they suppose to tell this little girl on the wedding day? "Oh hey hunny.. we cant go to your moms grave this year because I am too busy celebrating a marriage with your new mom" UHM NO! and for the sole reason that it is the only date the venue is available is absolutely disgusting.
There is no excuse for this- at all!0 -
Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:
1. Re the wedding date: I got given a list of dates, text them to my partner and said "this one is on a bank holiday" he said okay and we booked it. I had no idea when I booked it what the date was: I was never informed. It was only after I booked it, paid the deposit etc that TWO people complained to us (the dead mother's mum and sister (so step-daughters gran and auntie) the brother and father (uncle and grandad) were okay with it). We asked his daughter if she knew what the date was, or would be upset and she didn't: she only knows it's a sad date because her gran and aunt take her to the grave and cry. She is upset because they are upset, not because she is grieving. If you ask her about these dates, she just shrugs and says that she "can't remember but my gran makes sure I know". She can't remember anything to get sad over.
It wasn't malicious or anything.
It wasn't the day of, but the day before.
2. WE CHANGED THE DATE.
3. We aren't getting married until I am mid-twenties.
4. I would never strike her, or my own child.
5. We aren't married but I refer to her as my step-daughter because I love her and care for her the same as my son, I do not give preferential treatment to one. We do not make the kids call us "mum" or "dad" and never would, but that doesn't mean we don't treat them, or refer to them, as "our kids".
6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.
7. I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do before I get married. By then I'll have completed and undergrad and postgrad, work with the government (which I do just now) etc. I never had a 'young adult' life: I never went out drinking, never went to clubs or whatever else you do. I stayed home, studied, worked and was a mother and father to my son. I'm not missing out on anything: the only thing I wish to do is travel more, but when my son is 18 I won't even be 40, will be financially stable and can actually enjoy where I go without being skint.
8. The little girl, as she has been referred to throughout, was consulted and asked her opinion on us moving, by her father, before he asked me. It wasn't a surprise and was eased into from one night visits as a family unit, to weekend long, to a week, to a few weeks etc.
9. Her paternal grandparents admitted tonight, that after visiting her maternal grandmother and aunt she acts the same with them. It's got worse since I've moved in, and they know that there have been things said about myself and my relationship with her/her father that has confused her. She won't tell us what has been said outright, but snippets here and there give a good idea: I.e. I will never replace her mum, I am not her mum, they don't like me, she doesn't need to treat me the same.
10. Before my partner had went back to college, and so his time's fitted in with school. He now leave the house at 7.30am and is back for just about dinner time: therefore I am the main caregiver.
11. I don't do anything she doesn't want: I don't go about forcing her to do anything - she asks if we can bake, we bake. She asks if people can come in to play, they come in (if nothing else is going on), she wants to play with her loombands alone, she gets to do that quite the thing and I'll ask every so often if she wants some juice/tell her when it's dinner.
12. I encourage her dad to spend alone time with her, and it happens once a week. Every night she gets an hour with just him, reading stories (when he is away late he takes the book and phones her to read it). They have their time, and I do not infringe on that.
Even something as simple as going shopping, he spends time with her and I spend time with my son.
13. The term 'step daughter/son/mum/dad' isn't used in our house, I thought it would make the thread easier to follow. I am 'mum' to my son and my first name to her, and vice versa with her.
14. Me and her father rarely argue, and if we are annoyed at each other we wait until they're in bed to discuss it.
So I gained a sense of relief, I know why she acts the way she has been with me: she is confused between what is being said and expected of her by one party, as to what actually happens at home. I understand that this is something my partner needs to deal with, and he has assured me he is going to.0 -
Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:
1. Re the wedding date: I got given a list of dates, text them to my partner and said "this one is on a bank holiday" he said okay and we booked it. I had no idea when I booked it what the date was: I was never informed. It was only after I booked it, paid the deposit etc that TWO people complained to us (the dead mother's mum and sister (so step-daughters gran and auntie) the brother and father (uncle and grandad) were okay with it). We asked his daughter if she knew what the date was, or would be upset and she didn't: she only knows it's a sad date because her gran and aunt take her to the grave and cry. She is upset because they are upset, not because she is grieving. If you ask her about these dates, she just shrugs and says that she "can't remember but my gran makes sure I know". She can't remember anything to get sad over.
It wasn't malicious or anything.
It wasn't the day of, but the day before.
2. WE CHANGED THE DATE.
3. We aren't getting married until I am mid-twenties.
4. I would never strike her, or my own child.
5. We aren't married but I refer to her as my step-daughter because I love her and care for her the same as my son, I do not give preferential treatment to one. We do not make the kids call us "mum" or "dad" and never would, but that doesn't mean we don't treat them, or refer to them, as "our kids".
6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.
7. I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do before I get married. By then I'll have completed and undergrad and postgrad, work with the government (which I do just now) etc. I never had a 'young adult' life: I never went out drinking, never went to clubs or whatever else you do. I stayed home, studied, worked and was a mother and father to my son. I'm not missing out on anything: the only thing I wish to do is travel more, but when my son is 18 I won't even be 40, will be financially stable and can actually enjoy where I go without being skint.
8. The little girl, as she has been referred to throughout, was consulted and asked her opinion on us moving, by her father, before he asked me. It wasn't a surprise and was eased into from one night visits as a family unit, to weekend long, to a week, to a few weeks etc.
9. Her paternal grandparents admitted tonight, that after visiting her maternal grandmother and aunt she acts the same with them. It's got worse since I've moved in, and they know that there have been things said about myself and my relationship with her/her father that has confused her. She won't tell us what has been said outright, but snippets here and there give a good idea: I.e. I will never replace her mum, I am not her mum, they don't like me, she doesn't need to treat me the same.
10. Before my partner had went back to college, and so his time's fitted in with school. He now leave the house at 7.30am and is back for just about dinner time: therefore I am the main caregiver.
11. I don't do anything she doesn't want: I don't go about forcing her to do anything - she asks if we can bake, we bake. She asks if people can come in to play, they come in (if nothing else is going on), she wants to play with her loombands alone, she gets to do that quite the thing and I'll ask every so often if she wants some juice/tell her when it's dinner.
12. I encourage her dad to spend alone time with her, and it happens once a week. Every night she gets an hour with just him, reading stories (when he is away late he takes the book and phones her to read it). They have their time, and I do not infringe on that.
Even something as simple as going shopping, he spends time with her and I spend time with my son.
13. The term 'step daughter/son/mum/dad' isn't used in our house, I thought it would make the thread easier to follow. I am 'mum' to my son and my first name to her, and vice versa with her.
14. Me and her father rarely argue, and if we are annoyed at each other we wait until they're in bed to discuss it.
So I gained a sense of relief, I know why she acts the way she has been with me: she is confused between what is being said and expected of her by one party, as to what actually happens at home. I understand that this is something my partner needs to deal with, and he has assured me he is going to.
I know this has been said a million times, but therapy could seriously help this girl. It'll give her someone to talk to, who won't try and force their opinion on her. It'll allow her time and space to form her own opinion, and allow her to develop the ability to stand up for herself and think for herself.
Good luck to all of you, dear.0 -
I know this has been said a million times, but therapy could seriously help this girl. It'll give her someone to talk to, who won't try and force their opinion on her. It'll allow her time and space to form her own opinion, and allow her to develop the ability to stand up for herself and think for herself.
Good luck to all of you, dear.
Thank you, and you are quite possibly right.
From what was said by her grandparents tonight it seems like the main catalyst is her mother's sister and mum. When she doesn't see them then she is perfectly fine - however she normally goes at the weekend (they try to insist they have rights to this and told my partner they'd take him to court if he stopped) and then until about Wednesday acts that way with me, come Thursday time everything is settled and then it starts again.0 -
Op, you all need to get therapy. Please do that. That is much more effective than the forums. This is much too big of an issue to be asking on mfp forums.0
-
Op, you all need to get therapy. Please do that. That is much more effective than the forums. This is much too big of an issue to be asking on mfp forums.
Sometimes the anonymity gives for good breathing space, and allowed me time to calm down and come back and rationalise everything I thought.0 -
Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:
6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.
It sounds like you are trying to handle things in a mature thought out manner. While I think it's hard to get married young it can still work. I would just like to point out that 6 months isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things. However, if you aren't happy or comfortable enough to stay then you are right you should leave and not prolong it. I hope you are able to find the best solution for all involved.0 -
Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:
6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.
It sounds like you are trying to handle things in a mature thought out manner. While I think it's hard to get married young it can still work. I would just like to point out that 6 months isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things. However, if you aren't happy or comfortable enough to stay then you are right you should leave and not prolong it. I hope you are able to find the best solution for all involved.
This.
I honestly don't understand, and shake my head at the attacks on the OP.
F8ck0 -
Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:
6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.
It sounds like you are trying to handle things in a mature thought out manner. While I think it's hard to get married young it can still work. I would just like to point out that 6 months isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things. However, if you aren't happy or comfortable enough to stay then you are right you should leave and not prolong it. I hope you are able to find the best solution for all involved.
If she genuinely doesn't like me/the home situation, I would rather leave sooner rather than later. Not to wimp out, not to take the easiest option but because, overall, it is the kindest.
Why make her live with someone she doesn't want to? Why make everyone unhappy?
Is it something I want to do? No, but if it meant stopping any hurt I'd do it.0 -
Op, you all need to get therapy. Please do that. That is much more effective than the forums. This is much too big of an issue to be asking on mfp forums.
Sometimes the anonymity gives for good breathing space, and allowed me time to calm down and come back and rationalise everything I thought.
A therapist will be much more invested in all of your best interests, will listen, will help you all to find the right tools that you need individually and together as a family. I'm going to be honest, I have not put the time into reading and thinking about all of this. A therapist will. That's their job.0 -
Just going to post a few quick responses on here since the thread was mostly the same throughout:
6. Running at the first sign of trouble? No. Leaving 6 months in because the behaviour has gotten worse to avoid prolonging any attachment, resentment and, ultimately, creating a worse environment for everyone? Yes.
It sounds like you are trying to handle things in a mature thought out manner. While I think it's hard to get married young it can still work. I would just like to point out that 6 months isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things. However, if you aren't happy or comfortable enough to stay then you are right you should leave and not prolong it. I hope you are able to find the best solution for all involved.
If she genuinely doesn't like me/the home situation, I would rather leave sooner rather than later. Not to wimp out, not to take the easiest option but because, overall, it is the kindest.
Why make her live with someone she doesn't want to? Why make everyone unhappy?
Is it something I want to do? No, but if it meant stopping any hurt I'd do it.
I find this very hard to understand, honestly.
Wild dogs wouldn't keep me from my husband. Why would you be willing to walk away without at least going to therapy?0
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