Stepchild acts like she doesn't want me around
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Threads like these are why I drink.
Nah...these are why I eat popcorn...I drink when the 1200 calories or less idiots come out to play!
And I pound shots when juice cleansers stomp the forums. :drinker:
That is my Saturday night entertainment....everytime you see a 1200 calorie post, you drink...everytime someone posts about a cleanse, you do a shot of tequila.0 -
Threads like these are why I drink.
Nah...these are why I eat popcorn...I drink when the 1200 calories or less idiots come out to play!
And I pound shots when juice cleansers stomp the forums. :drinker:
That is my Saturday night entertainment....everytime you see a 1200 calorie post, you drink...everytime someone posts about a cleanse, you do a shot of tequila.
Wait, we can't make it a Monday afternoon sitting at my desk with a flask thing?0 -
Here's my opinion on marriage. And I'll tell you right now, I've never been married. So take it for what you will.
It's supposed to be for life, right? You're going to be with this one person for the rest of your life.
So why rush a wedding? Are you worried things will fall apart if you don't? Well then you definitely shouldn't be getting married.
If there are problems or reasons to hesitate or postpone, WAIT! Marriage is the last thing anyone should rush into. Do it because you can't imagine not spending the rest of your life with that person. Because you know in your heart this is the person you're going to love for the rest of your days. Nothing in life is 100% certain, but if there are this many problems before the wedding, what chance does the marriage have?
Like I said, I've never been married. Maybe that's because I take it pretty seriously.
You, I like you. :drinker:
I completely agree. If it's meant to be, there's no harm in waiting.0 -
I know this is a bit of a sensitive topic for some, but please try and stick with me.
My fiance and myself have been together 16 (almost 17) months: he is 28 with a 8 year old daughter, I am 21 with a 3 year old son. My stepdaughter's mum died when she was 1, and although she has seen pictures and is in contact with her maternal family, she has only known a world where her dad is her only parent.
My son still sees his dad occasionally, and knows who he is.
Neither child calls the stepparent mum or dad, but by our names, and that's okay with each of us (my son has dabble with 'daddy' to my partner, but it's nothing we force on them).
We moved in together after just under a year of dating, however had spent weekend both alone: with one of our kids: with both kids together. During that period everything was fantastic.
After the move there has been a few adjustment issues for everyone, but we have our routine now. My son has probably went through the most: moved nursery, moved house, became night time toilet trained and learned how to sleep alone (without someone beside his bed until he fell asleep) within 4 months give or take an accident here or there.
He has settled well, treats me the same as always and respects my fiance.
My stepdaughter is a different kettle of fish. Her routine hasn't changed, and she gets more time with her dad now than she done before. She also doesn't get popped from one relative to another and then on to a babysitter while her dad works: so everything has became more settled for her, and she actually gets to go places like swimming, brownies, have friends in after school etc.
I always make sure she is up and ready for school, homework done, lunch packed and I am the designated taxi for both children (my fiance works while I'm waiting on uni to start again).
With her father and her relatives my stepdaughter acts like butter wouldn't melt - she tries to wrap her aunts and grandparents around her fingers, but is always very respectful and doesn't push any buttons. She is like this with me when other people are around, however when it's only us (and my son) she'll become a totally different person. She lies, she doesn't listen, she pushes boundaries, uses crocodile tears and then just sits in a mood if I try to speak to her: it gets to the point where she will sit in her room and not want to talk to my son or myself at all, only reappearing when her dad comes back from work.
When she has been disciplined by her dad about her behaviour she'll say sorry, promise not to do it again but a few days later it's back to being the way it was. Many people say "don't take it personally" but when it only happens to me, and only when no one else is around, it's hard not to.
I love my fiance dearly, and want to be with him indefinitely, but it's getting to the point where I think that we need to split up in order to do the best by her, and she does seem truly unhappy to be around me.
I would say reach out to her. Maybe take her and have a girls day where its just you and her. Schedule time for it weekly. Whether you are playing a board game at home, taking a walk together, build a relationship with her.
Its easy to dislike children when they act like that.
Now do you discipline her or does just her father? Its good to be firm and to stand up for youself.
I say things using the "I Statements" when I talk to my kid and that is helpful ( I used to say the "You you you you statements and I got arguments all around)0 -
just cannot comprehend what the heck would be going through both you and her fathers heads when you decided that the anniversary of her mothers death would be the perfect date for your wedding...I mean really?0
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just cannot comprehend what the heck would be going through both you and her fathers heads when you decided that the anniversary of her mothers death would be the perfect date for your wedding...I mean really?
I didn't see that?0 -
Edited...someone already answered.0
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just cannot comprehend what the heck would be going through both you and her fathers heads when you decided that the anniversary of her mothers death would be the perfect date for your wedding...I mean really?
I didn't see that?
It was in a different topic from what everyone has said, I missed that topic and cannot find it anywhere, but yeah that is what the majority of the people that have responded have said she has mentioned.0 -
....
Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. ....
Well aren't you a peach? :flowerforyou:0 -
I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
An 8 year old. Who's already in shock, your advice is to physically abuse her? Just wow....0 -
I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
You are one classy broad.0 -
Here's my opinion on marriage. And I'll tell you right now, I've never been married. So take it for what you will.
It's supposed to be for life, right? You're going to be with this one person for the rest of your life.
So why rush a wedding? Are you worried things will fall apart if you don't? Well then you definitely shouldn't be getting married.
If there are problems or reasons to hesitate or postpone, WAIT! Marriage is the last thing anyone should rush into. Do it because you can't imagine not spending the rest of your life with that person. Because you know in your heart this is the person you're going to love for the rest of your days. Nothing in life is 100% certain, but if there are this many problems before the wedding, what chance does the marriage have?
Like I said, I've never been married. Maybe that's because I take it pretty seriously.
You are a smart one
0 -
I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
Fortunately for you it's considered assault if someone beats an adult's "tail".0 -
I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
I am sure beating the 8 year old girl will make her want to spend time with the OP.
I am all for respect, but this isn't how you teach the real thing.0 -
I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
Fortunately for you it's considered assault if someone beats an adult's "tail".
:laugh: :flowerforyou:0 -
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
Beat a child that is not yours and you will have a happy family!
You're right about therapy. She's going to need it. Lose your mom, be pulled out of your home and thrust into a home with a strange woman playing mommy who hits you. Yep. I recommend therapy also.0 -
I have dealt with a lot of blended families in my lifetime, but perhaps the most successful blended family was that of my grandmother. Her one saying is something you should take to heart. "In this house, there are no stepchildren. The only steps are those that take you from one floor to another. All children are just that, children."
I have read your post several times and have read every comment. There is a lot of good advice written here. What I am gathering is that this marriage cannot come soon enough because you do not have enough control over this child to get her to act the way you want her to act. Don't assume that with marriage comes the right to discipline another person's child. For good reason, that territory should be tread cautiously. Both real life and fairy tales are fraught with over-zealous partners who wield control over children. Most often times, it does not end well. The situation turns abusive or the partner is convinced, by the other person, that sending the child off to boarding school is the answer.
What a totally callous act it would be to marry on the anniversary of the death of this little girl's mother. Not only are you disrespecting the memory of this little girl's mother, but you are also driving a wedge between her father and her mother's family. Then, again, that may be your desire. I am certain that you believe that they are filling this little girl's head with god only knows what and it is the reason she acts the way she does toward you.
Respect has to be earned and earning the respect of a child takes a lot of time, sincerity and patience. It is not granted through marriage, nor by suddenly coming to live in the house. The only way to begin earning a child's respect is by giving them respect. It's like anything else, children learn by example.0 -
I have dealt with a lot of blended families in my lifetime, but perhaps the most successful blended family was that of my grandmother. Her one saying is something you should take to heart. "In this house, there are no stepchildren. The only steps are those that take you from one floor to another. All children are just that, children."
I have read your post several times and have read every comment. There is a lot of good advice written here. What I am gathering is that this marriage cannot come soon enough because you do not have enough control over this child to get her to act the way you want her to act. Don't assume that with marriage comes the right to discipline another person's child. For good reason, that territory should be tread cautiously. Both real life and fairy tales are fraught with over-zealous partners who wield control over children. Most often times, it does not end well. The situation turns abusive or the partner is convinced, by the other person, that sending the child off to boarding school is the answer.
What a totally callous act it would be to marry on the anniversary of the death of this little girl's mother. Not only are you disrespecting the memory of this little girl's mother, but you are also driving a wedge between her father and her mother's family. Then, again, that may be your desire. I am certain that you believe that they are filling this little girl's head with god only knows what and it is the reason she acts the way she does toward you.
Respect has to be earned and earning the respect of a child takes a lot of time, sincerity and patience. It is not granted through marriage, nor by suddenly coming to live in the house. The only way to begin earning a child's respect is by giving them respect. It's like anything else, children learn by example.
Very nicely put!0 -
Respect has to be earned and earning the respect of a child takes a lot of time, sincerity and patience. It is not granted through marriage, nor by suddenly coming to live in the house. The only way to begin earning a child's respect is by giving them respect. It's like anything else, children learn by example.
QFT0
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