Success story to Failure

bryannakay

Have you read this yet?

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324837-a-different-kind-of-transformation

It's about a woman who had similar struggles as you are having now. It's not hopeless. You were created by God, and He loves you. There is healing from self-loathing. Big hug!

I've just read it and I love her outlook, inner confidence and self love is the key. Thank you for sharing this with me.

I do just feel that I will not be confident and happy with myself at this size because it causes problems in my life, I hate it, and don't want to be this way. I hate feeling so terrible and hateful about it because I love love and hate feeling so horrible about myself.

I won't be happy with the way I look if I am like this, I want to be healthy, inside and out. More so inside. Too much of nothing/negativity at this size. I feel the rolls in my back so much they are like weights. I just keep grabbing them wishing I could rip them off of my body, and leave me alone. I hate this so much, it's terrible and realy terrible to express such negativity to others but I just need to release this to others, on here is perfect because I have lovely people as in all of you to correspond to about an issue that others may have gone through or may understand.

I feel I won't love myself and can't love myself at this size comfortably. Whenever I do, and get comfortable, I gain weight. This just makes me hurt so badly.

I am so glad that someone offered to you what I wrote yesterday.

5 years ago I was you. I hated everything about myself. I was disgusted at the way I looked to the point where I would refuse to leave the house. I remember going into the bathroom to turn the shower on, stripping naked, looking at myself in the mirror, and crawling into a heap on the floor, bawling my eyes out because I hated my appearance THAT much. I had an incredible boyfriend of 3 years, I pushed him away because I thought no one would ever love me because of how hideous and stupid I was.

I ate about 500 calories a day, max. I would spend hours in front of a mirror, twisting and contorting myself to try to take the best "selfie" of myself I could (btw, the word "selfie" wasn't even a thing then). I would suck it in and hope I looked skinny in the mirror, take the picture, or two, or a thousand, hate them all and delete them. I would take a nap in the middle of the day just to get my mind off of how hungry I was.

Believe me when I say I was there.

Also believe me when I say where I am now. THE OTHER SIDE. I love myself now, and I'm truly 100% in all honesty saying that. Am I society's idea of perfect? Hell no. But I am striving to be the best version of myself I can be. I'm about 15 pounds heavier than those days where I tortured myself, but along with being HEAVIER, I am also STRONGER (mentally and physically), WISER, FUNNIER, I am driven, I have accomplished things, I have an amazing amazing amazing fiance who loves me for who I am and loves the strength I own (And for my cooking.... that's not too bad either).

You will make it to the other side if you let yourself, but you have to let yourself. It may take time. It took me 5 years to get to this point. I no longer fear food, I treat it as fuel. I need food to fuel my heavy lifts.

I also realized that no one liked me better when I was skinnier. It didn't solve any of my problems. The way I treated myself back then created so many more problems for me than imagineable. No one wants to be around someone who hates themselves all the time! They just don't. And no one can replace the love you can have for yourself (And that Jesus has for you....... yeah, I'm THAT guy. I wasn't fulfilled until I loved myself and until I fully recognized the love that the Lord has for me) You will never be happy unless you love yourself.

Feel free to add me as a friend.

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!!!! I want to thank you all for posting this. And to you XIAMJACKIE, girl you are awesome and amazing and such an inspiration....I was trying to think of a really "cool big girl word" to use besides inspiration but, I couldn't think of one....you truly are my version of success!!!!!!

And to Fugeela.....I feel like this post was a cry for help for you and you just needed random strangers on MFP to help you though what you are going through. Almost everyone has been at a stage in their life where they feel the way you feel about yourself....it is just that we all don't have the guts to write it on a forum posting :blushing: So, take this and the advice and run with it....because sooner or later, you will be in XIAMJACKIE's state of mind Good luck, your MFP family is here for you!!

ravengal

Find a volunteer opportunity in your area. It may help you spend less time focusing inward.

cholepapi

Wow. So the real question here is who the hell hurt you or what did you see in your life to make you feel that way?

Flab2Fab27

Flab2Fab27

Polishprinsezz

i know i cannot wait til i weigh 143. i am the same height as you. i say it is time to see a therapist. it is hard to give support to someone who has a such a distorted view on their weight. many women would be thankful to to be your weight. including myself/ good luck.

Rocky791

Wow... at my lightest I was about your weight and I am exactly your height. My sister struggled with an eating disorder for years and never felt she was thin enough during that time. As others have said you have a distorted view of yourself. I am sorry that you are struggling with this... the negative self talk is so destructive but also a difficult habit to break. I have struggled with it also. I would suggest finding activities to get involved in that you enjoy and also finding a professional who can help you with the negativity/depression and possible eating disorder that you are struggling with. *Hugs*

12by311

you either hate how things are and you work to change them.
or you hate how things are and just complain about it.

Honestly I see paragraph after paragraph of depressing hate... and 2 sentences describing what you are doing about it.

Spend more time focusing on what you are doing, where you are going and how you are going to get there and about 95% less time ruminating about how much you hate yourself.

Thisssss. So much this!

And I agree with Jo also about getting "down" when I'm not actively pursuing a goal or I'm too idle in life.

OP, I see you are 21. To be honest, I went through some kinda tough inner ish in my early twenties. Even though I was at a university and accomplishing some goals, it was still tough. 1) I think it's just a tough age. 2) Most early twenty year olds (myself definitely) are pretty self-absorbed in the grand scheme of things.

I'm 31 now…and life is flying. I don't have enough TIME in the day to even worry about all that's wrong in this life. haha

Find a volunteer opportunity in your area. It may help you spend less time focusing inward.

So yeah.

Fugeela

Hi there!

I don't think all your issues are weight related. I want to ask if you're doing good work in your professional life, example are you going to school? what's your major? What have you thought about your career?

What are your other goals in life, which I think are of the same importance if not more than the fitness! If you aren't kicking balls in your professional life, aren't happy with work, then somewhere all the negativeness will cloud your mind, and hence the weight gain. You need to go out more, go shopping, buy some nice dresses, make up, or whatever that makes you happy and start hanging out! Try and take a vacation, go travel countryside, take a week off, go on a road trip, and try to forget about the weight and focus on the nature, the outside beauty. If you're the person who stays indoor most of the time, don't do it! Go window shopping somewhere, point is to go out and interact. Look at the beauty in others and pick on things that you see in others that make you happy. We are so lucky to be born into this world, god has given us everything, limbs, food, lovely family. Why to clutter the mind with negativity? I suggest you to go out and enjoy the world, go out from your house! Spend the entire day outside! Do something nice for others, you'll be happy. If you have no where to go, go do some charity work. You're only 21, go do an internship in a hospital. Volunteer somewhere, and be thankful for what you have! Keep moving, don't bother weighing yourself, dress nicely put some make up and give yourself a kiss before you step out of the house if nobody else does!

I saw this question and just wanted to reply as soon as I could as I hope you're still around, but it brought up a lot of questions that are relevant to me. I am not doing good work in my professional life. I'm not going to school, but by choice, and unfortunately though however my father said some pretty negative and horrible things to me almost 17 months ago. He also did something horrible which was get violent and harass me, in turn dislocating my left pinky tendon (finger). I resent my family a lot, and while I don't hate them, I feel they are unprogressive, annoying, and terrible people. I know they mean well, but I don't like their behavior and unprogressive nature/lives, they are not motivated, they are all talk and bitter/terrible energy, which is why it does not help being around them. I wanted to move to London (i'd have a place to stay, I have many family there, people I have good contact with who arent as well) to try my hand with my music career, he tore my dreams down in turn, called me worthless for not being in school, a dunce, (LOL this was funny coing from someone who must then think of himself as one because he never went to school), called me horrible names, and in turn I was disabled for 7 months thanks to him along with two surgeries, and went through a terrible terrible depression. This was along the same time that I was going through a lot with friends just because I had some other issues, dealing with my weight yet again/appearance. He made things worse. I live with him now only because I drive his car, in fact I can't stand him or living in this area where I live. It is incredibly surburban, and rural at the same time, no life, no dreams, it makes my attitude and outlook terrible so I have to keep focused and dream and work hard for my dreams, but also keep faithful which is very hard to do.

My mother does not live far away, she lives the next town over, she works in a corporate setting. She is a beautiful and strong woman but also very annoying, overbearing, and can be unprogressive not by nature but just extremely annoying and although encouraging, it's hard taking advice from someone who does not understand and tells me what to do. They have no respect for me as an individual, in fact she still likes to tell me how I should fix my hair, what I should wear, etc. When in reality I deep down wish they would all "f off" and let me be who I am, I can't be who I am around them, they live and lead boring lives. Yet they are content and thankful as they should be, but she is one person who loves to sit down and also say how "Fat" she is. She has been a size 2 nearly all of her life, yet now when almost 50 has gained weight and is not that size anymore complains about it everyday, yet has poor nutrition and barely eats at all, if so, not always the most efficient things for her as she has allergies and is a selective eater. She has a terrible gluten allergy but still eats anything because she doesn't eat much.

She doesn't ask me anything about my music. Well, she does, but she tells me to get a job that does this/that/other, when she does not realize my job is FOCUSING ON MY MUSIC and ART, I have no problem getting my own funds but they do not help me, she has no respect for my creativity and she can also be incredibly cheap when it comes to helping me. It is okay as I am responsible for myself, but she could do more to help, she just sees things from a different angle.

Next, I live with my grandma and father, she can't drive, never learned, is 76. I love her and am very close to her but I feel she slows me down and actually this all makes me hate them deep down, it makes me resent them so much. They are unprogressive, depressing, no interest, having people. She causes big problems, in fact, my father is a mama's boy who still can't wash his own dishes and leaves all his debris on the computer desk space and glasses of juice everywhere. I can't stand him, and then she has to clean everything up for her big boy. She slaves for him, cooks everyday, hard food that they shouldn't be eating. (We're Jamaican and the thing is that it's great to eat our food, but that is too intense for a kidney transplant patient, a woman on dialysis for 10 years prior, and a woman aging, no matter how strong) She does not enjoy her life. She is very religious so she is content, but she is damn right boring and unmotivated and she does the best she can to help me but holds me back in the process. She secretly, to me, tries to sabotage me. It's like everytime I go away she asks when I'm "coming" home and manipulates/tells me horrible things so I can be inclined to come back and do nothing. I have no inspiration here, it hurts me terrible artistically, but as a young woman, a young bright hearted and eyed soul ready for the beauty of the world and GROWTH. THEY NEVER GROW, they just stay the SAME. Which is a big part of why I feel this way.

They hold me down and back, then I have to help them financially, meanwhile my father's only liking is sitting on the computer when my grandmother cooks him a meal for dinner every bloody evening, over a hot stove making pork, redmeat, or some other strenuous sort of thing. And she's such a pushover, she says she won't do it but yet still does, just a damn shame. She sits down and stares into space and talks on the phone everyday because she has no life and I feel badly because she can't even travel. She gets her pension money every month, but can't even use it for her ownself because she'll try to help me and then in turn has to STILL support her big baby one and only boy (my father), it is okay to work as a unit for help, but he does nothing for her. He makes her do things that she can't damn well do, like beg her to drop things places, HOW ON EARTH DOES SHE GET TO THESE PLACES? You know what happens? That's where I have to get involved. They slow me down, as I type this I feel my heart heavy and head raging with hurt, I can't wait to get away from them, and grow, I hate it here so much. He basically ruins my life, because I have to do things for him when he in turn does nothing absolutely nothing for me. I am thankful, because he helps pay the bills, but I don't really and truly like him. All he does is speak badly of others, gossip, talk about money he doesn't have, twenty years ago, etc. I would hate to be like them, and when I am around them, I can't help but to feel these ways about myself because I get ugly because I start to feel ugly. They are just slow. Our has been remodeling for 2 plus years now, instead of him doing anything to make it better, he sits and does nothing. My 73 year old grand-aunt (nan's sister) came for a week and she had the strength of a warrior. She hammer-shot old pieces of furniture, axed old 40 foot trees covered in fungus in our yard, did intense garden work, pulled old heavy appliances/couches/etc dirt/garbage/excess into a bin and garage. Most of this was done in a DAY. My grandma has been sleeping on the couch for almost two years until her sister came and brought a mattress and bed spring from the basement into her room, in which she cleaned up and removed old 18th century remains in. I hated when she left, she was someone who actively saw the nonsense in what I go through. Even she was disgusted by him.

My grandma has not left the US in years. She left Jamaica decades ago, moved to Canada, then NYC, then to where we are now. The woman can't even damn well travel. She lost her birth certificate, and everything else. And her only form of ID is a rinsed passport................ALMOST 22 years expired. She says it with pride! "I HAVE MY PASSPORT" She just gets on my damn nerves with her nonsense as well. She causes so much problems with these things, it's ridiculous. She can't do anything because of it, and she is not ambitious to go and get it solved. Not like she can either because whenever she has money, she gives it to her son, my father, to make up for what he lacks, nearly everything, and then some. And in the interim, she will give me anything she has if she can, but I don't want it because she does not have it, it is time now for her to enjoy her life. I will do anything to make her happy but it is too much out of my life, my dreams, and it slows me down. I want her to have fun in life, but she does not have one. It's like she wants me to go to church with her multiple times a week, how in the world do we get there? She puts all this pressure on me, I don't even like going, in general, and it is far away. About 45 minutes, which is nothing in the greater scheme to hear the word. But how could I be happy going to church on a Friday night? I AM YOUNG and want to enjoy my life, and why be around old boring folks just doing praise and worship? NO EXPERIENCE. I am not experiencing anything but sadness. Oh and being around her is work because her favorite thing to do and that she can do is get DRIVEN places by her chauffeur who is deemed me. I can't stand them. And she loves asking me to drive her to the supermarket, almost everyday. It is sick, it is ridiculous. I just feel to cry in frustration about this, instead I am actually laughing because this all seems ridiculous and drawn out, "How can you feel so strongly about your life?" In fact it seems ungrateful, I am not, but I am fed up, and a lot of what I deal with on an emotional level is actually dealing with multiple things that I am around on a day to day basis. They could make anyone be depressed.

He's barely ever traveled, much rather sit on his beloved computer or drink. He's always a burden, as a child growing up, for some reason my mother would make him come on trips with my sister and I, mess. He was just there taking up space, damn disgrace. He also would create arguments. That is another thing I can't stand him for, he has a horrible heart. He verbally abused my mother and would call her names growing up. In fact I'm not sure if I resent, but I can't stand my parents for their "relationship" they both are worthless for putting us through that. I was so happy when they divorced, they weren't even really together, just for names sake were they married. Also, my grandma lived with us, so she was always in the middle somehow. He's never grown up. He's just a mess. He doesn't have any ambition other than to have money in his life, just wants money, and sadly, he likes to tear down others with ambition. Whenever he asks me about music he asks me bull****, excuse my language, "Can you play the guitar?" Yes, I can, you **** head. Who asks someone that? You damn worthless idiot, he asks only to be faceitious, I just can't stand him. "Can you sing?" I just feel to say "SATAN BE GONE" He is by far the most provoking person I've ever encountered. I just feel terrible, all this doubt.

When I was away in London for a long time, when I finally escaped the matrix and jungle I live in, he sent me an email harassing me about me not being in school after the fact his old stupid idiotic self put harm to me and sunk me into a big psychological mess. I was injured, and to be spiteful, his demonic self sold my car for $200, for cheap just because he didn't want me to have a way around. Then I had no way of getting to therapy or my doctor, my grandma again was at the rescue, she would find funds just to get me there via cab which would be about 300 every week. I'd have to go to occupational therapy three times a week because of him, and to my surgeon for check ups. Anyway, he has a vivid imagination because he believes I was "doing so well" in college and he "doesn't know what I'm doing and you were so focused and now not etc." he makes up things. I don't even like talking to him, so how he figures these things? His imagination or make believe confirmation from his yes man, my grandma. He knows nothing about me, he doesn't know anything, not even my favorite color. Or favorite artist> All he knows I love music. He thinks we have had a close relationship. He loves to believe people set me up to "hate him" but the reality is I hate no one! LOL, in fact, I don't care enough about him to hate him. He is a very lost man, who causes problems just by being himself, not a nice person. Everyone is human, despite my outloook towards him, I still see the positive. He is the way he is because of what he has and has not gone through, achieved, and never grew out of. He is not an evolved soul, for that his soul weeps into the beauty of others creations; burning fire into their rivers and waters of love, art, and creation not out of envy but out of bitterness towards the world and others. He causes arguments and makes it seem like my mother sets me up to dislike him, when my dislike for him is my own dislike. She always says to respect and love my father because unfortunately he is my father, and sadly, we cannot choose our parents, [this is coming from a woman who went through hell and back because of them (dad/grandma).] But, she chose him sadly, so it's all actually her fault. I look like him which makes me feel worse.

My father, he does disgusting things like ease his body and laugh as if he's a tormented child, damn disgrace. He likes for everyone to hear his nastiness, just a sick person. He also sweeps his teeth every 2 minutes, he has a few rotten teeth he refuses to get taken out probably for the last fifteen years. He's disgusting, he eats his boogers publicly and then tries to touch you, and picks his scabs (not bashing people who do either, I'm sure some people do these things out of habit or some sort of disorder subconsciously: I am just saying what he does and laughs about as he does not seem to have any disorder other than being a damn disgrace) and does other horrible things. He is not kind when speaking about others. He puts others down, how can someone do so everyday? And not see a problem? He has made no progress with his life and I get anxious about my weight/etc because I don't want to be like them, unprogressive, or unaccomplishing. He also just ruins everything with his presence, I know this is negative talk, but please understand that I feel extremely passionate about this because this all makes it worse and makes me feel on edge which makes my problems worse.

My goal in life is to create beautiful music, evolve and grow musically, sharing my life and sharing the truth of it, through it. I am bound to make art, I want to grow selflessly in my music and create lasting sounds people will hear forever. I admire Nina Simone, her depth, I admire all. When I listen to people like Lauryn Hill, and Amy Winehouse I love the legacy they left behind, just through their music. (Only naming them two because they're of the younger set). I want to experience life, and experience, growth. My dream is to make music and grow with beautiful experiences/people, release albums/art that are married together. I love photography, and want to document my life. My goal is not to have a lavish house, or shop in Soho comfortably at stores I don't need to. I want to defy the odds. I want to enlighten others through my vision and my sound, and I want to learn endlessly. It would be lovely to win awards for my music someday. I once dreamed of winning a noble peace prize but I probably don't sound peaceful right now speaking about my warped family. My dream is to connect to people and expose who I am through my music as the greats, in my eyes, did. So many things along the way. I never particularly dreamed of having a family, maybe when I was a younger girl, I'm still young, but time makes me so anxious now. When I feel this way and am around this I feel like, and am, robbed of my life, and my dreams. I want to move to London, I want to get a record deal so I can perform and make an album and share it to the people. I want that so badly. I hate it here, it hurts my soul. I speak with the universe, I stand outside on Sunny days with my mouth open praying just pass by a butterfly with a surprise message just for me. I believe that amazing things can happen. I want to give back to the world that has formed me, I want to travel the world, I want to see the favelas in brazil and live, I want to climb the hills of Myanmar with the natives. I want to speak Malagasy and dance around the valley of the baobab trees, and write music inspired by who I am, and what I FEEL. Because when I am here? All I feel is damn near depressed and on edge. It's gotten terrible, whenever my nice grandmother speaks to me or calls me, it's like I respond with, "WHAT?!" Although that's not me, when I'm here? That's who I become, sad, angry, and almost expecting bad to happen.

You know, some of these celebrities, they have no idea who they are, they are not real. That's not my aspiration, to live in glamorous houses and be made up. What I loved about Nina Simone, and so many true artists of the world is that there is no glamour in being a public commodity. I don't want to represent minstrelsy because I am much deeper as a product of a higher source than to live in a matrix. I don't want billions of dollars or to buy airplanes. In fact, I just want to be around creative souls, and feed and give energy and experience. That's all it is, energy. We are just energy, apparently. And when I am here, my energy rivals that of a corpse. I think and think until the day passes me by, and all I seem to look forward to is tomorrow, to see a NEW day, because I yearn for NEW and change.

I don't have friends anymore. My friends didn't know how to handle a lot of what I was going through. I came back from London two years ago on a high, I was in love with love, and it was then I saw and felt possibilities and transformation, everyone noticed, but them. They held me back, my family, my environment. This town is full of failure and people with no vision, only because they were taught to not have anymore vision, but to live in the visions of others. We all have to use something, whether it be people, or ideas, or energy, etc. to rotate and to get somewhere. I look at people, not just my family because maybe they are normal indeed and this is just me finding myself and my own thoughts/ideas, but they all prefer to be used, and rotated, much like lab rats. Most people's lives in general, including my family, contain, work, sleep, maybe eat for some, repeat, weekend, rest, maybe head out, and let's do it again. That's no life. No joy in their eyes, my family, of their dreams. Their dreams are lost, but they can be found, they just don't think this way.

I hurt a lot because I feel very misunderstood by others. I miss my three girlfriends, but they moved on without me, and they led me to believe we were still friends when they didn't look at me as one, but yet secluded me at a weak time as a collective instead of being honest. They didn't know how to help anymore, nor is it easy energy to be around, but when I was positive, instead of them enjoying my company, they spoke about how 'fake' or inauthentic I seemed. When in reality, I was neither, they just moved on with eachother, and not me. They had a rocky relationship and fixed it, and in the process, downplayed me.

There are many things I want to do. I mainly want strength, and happiness. I want health, I want beauty, but not in a superficial sense, beauty is in character and talent, and through music I am able to showcase that. That is my being. I want to see the world and have stories to tell, I want to experience. I want friendship. I want memories, I want to evolve, that is my dream in life, I want to document my growth through my albums.

This place is a crap hole, it cost a lot of money to get into the city from here, and I love being out, but it gets very lonely sometimes. I want people. I need people. But not just anyone. My friends and I connected because we got the same jokes, same outlooks, but yet different at the same time. We were a great fit, but now I resent them in a way at times, and because I can't move on, I feel worse, and like a loser. No friends. I've never had a boyfriend before either, not that I care, but in a way deep down maybe there is something there, a tiny dot of no clarity. I had a guy friend in London, he was my first kiss, I admire him as an artist as well, as he is too. He had a beautiful outlook on life. I did not worship him, as I worship no man, but I felt very deeply for him as a person because I never believed I'd experience anyone doing anything with me little less kissing me or anything of the sort as I view myself as repulsive and not attractive to men (which is fine because I'm barely attracted to most men based on aesthetic alone. I'm a bit strange because I can respect someone being handsome, but to me men are men, they are who they are, regardless of the way they look someone can be attractive. So I never really fawn over men in greased up photos, in fact that makes me laugh, I don't like overt sexuality with men outright, that makes me feel terrible, unless they are doing something, like showcasing their talent(s)/art. I more so find musicians attractive) Anyway I liked him, probably more than he liked me, he didn't really find me attractive physically, but liked my personality, it was said, and it's a long story. He ended up seeing this girl and telling her I was obsessed with him, which I was but not in a negative way, I respected him rather. She was with him, she told a whole heap of people I was stalking her because of it and was obsessed with her. Girl is a supermodel by the way. He caused a big problem in my life, because he didn't like how I looked. I know, not a big deal, but things like that I internalize not because I desire to be with him, but I internalized it because for some reason how I look makes me feel like a monster and that it may be the cause of my lack of things.
I try to focus on my art, but just get distracted trying to find an escape. I'd do anything to go back to London or leave here and get my music deal(s), I had opportunities/have opportunities, but I wouldn't take them because of my looks, and no encouragement from my family/the demons that hold me back.

My mother likes to buy me clothes that make me look ridiculous, they are beautiful clothes, but I just look like a hot mess in them, and they are not my style. I don't care about the clothes I care about the vision. "Fix yourself it'll make you feel better" Yes fixing inside makes one feel better, and being happy to be somewhere does too, not being around people that won't let you grow and move along. She worries about me because in her eyes I am still a child, but how can I grow if you don't allow me to? Leave me alone and go away, or help. She got mad once because I told her to stop fixing my damn blasted winter coat, she was fixing me like I was a baby, and it was annoying, leave me alone man. I'm fine, stop trying to present me and fix yourself. I am grateful for her but these things can really make someone so annoyed. I had independence and my own life was kicking while I was there, but HERE? Lord have mercy please help if you exist. I ask everyday, the sky, in the car, anywhere, "God you know my desires, PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!" And no response, I am stuck with them.

I want to interact, I want friends, I want LIFE. I'm young, I wanna dance and experience, but this place? Dungeon cell. I practice so much and write so much, but it stifles my creativity and life. I want to enjoy.

So dealing with my weight on top of this makes me angry. They are the cause of my weight issues because they never encouraged me instead said horrible things. And now they claim I"m too skinny, I feel they are trying to sabotage me and my goals in everyway. They tell me I'm beautiful, but how in the world could I be "beautiful" if I am around their ugly dispositions? Exactly, no way. They make me ugly. I look at most young women, and I feel the have certain pizzazz and essence I don't. I can barely speak to my mom about things like tampons, she says, "Don't try them don't try that stuff it's bad for you" or nonsense. I can't stand them. No growth, they like to stay the same, never change and just be comfortable or content and uncomfortable.

I work hard to change this, but they suck the energy out of me so it is impossible to see the light near them. I can barely find a place to did gigs around here.

BUt I will never give up and I am going to get back on it.

jtotheno

I am 5'7" and my goal weight is 20 lbs higher than your current weight. Your goal weight is sickly for your height. It sounds like you have much deeper issues, please speak to your doctor. I haven't read the other comments, and I'm sure mine is not the first comment like this.

Fugeela

I am 5'7" and my goal weight is 20 lbs higher than your current weight. Your goal weight is sickly for your height. It sounds like you have much deeper issues, please speak to your doctor. I haven't read the other comments, and I'm sure mine is not the first comment like this.

I understand but I think everyone, or maybe just me, has an idea of what they'd like for their body to be. I don't think asking for about 120 and lowered body fat is asking too much. I think I should be that size, at least in my head.

Thank you for your input. I will do my best to message everyone who has replied that I haven't gotten back to pertaining to the possible things I can do to help get me there, and just advice in general about this or insight.

Fugeela

I also think me being this weight makes me look older than I am. I can't even wear shorts. I look ridiculous or old. And old terrible men are the only one's on occasion to say something to me, it makes me feel worse. My face is hideous probably then, and maybe they feel because I am ugly and heavier that they can take advantage or me. No one deserves that. I want to be thinner so then I look my age as well.

Just my thought, so that's a factor in this.

Fugeela

Also I despise the word 'fat' I know I call myself that word, but I more so feel that way. The word fat to me is actually not a real word. It is a disgraceful word. Not in context of body fat, but just the word fat. The word fat should NOT be an ADJECTIVE.

That should actually be no way to describe something because it's terrible. To me fat and ugly go hand in hand for my own life, it is a word I never call another. I think every shape and size is beautiful, just not mine because it is just not the way I'd like for it to be. But I do genuinely believe that everyone is beautiful heavier, slimmer, those things mean nothing. A heavier person can be healthier than a slimmer person. Vice versa. This is all based on individual.

It is not what makes someone, which is why I get upset I feel this way still about myself.

Also, my mother made a comment the other day about someone being too fat to turn the car wheel when they were driving slowly to make a turn, out of frustration. Who on EARTH says that? She says things like, "Ooh look at you skinny minni, now I'm the fat one, you're probably rejoicing!" Who the hell says that? Bloody mess, I love her but just a damn mess, she is just as bad as my grandma and her boy.

I am thankful to have them but when I'm away from them? I don't miss them! I am fine!

She gained weight and got upset someone called her fluffy! She is fluffy! SShe is beautiful! She is not as slim as she used to be and she is just annoying and vain, a grown woman, I'd hate to be like that when I am her age, which is why I get upset about this furthermore with myself, just frustrated.

I want to use my body as a tool of love, for myself. I want to prove to myself that I can achieve all things. For example. yoga, I admire yogi's so much, the beautiful power of mind/body. My problem is because I feel this way my bloody mind doesn't correspond with my body because I just feel I'll never get there.

I told my mother I was going to take an Italian class because I want to spend time in Italy someday and learn the culture/music. She said, "Why would you do that...doesn't that cost..money?" See? Just stupid unmotivating questions. Damn blasted boring and never doing it herself. She is lovely but has all these desires herself and no action, I act upon things and have great ideas- They always shut down my ideas/desires since I was a small kid, in fact now writing this, it all makes sense.

And her saying things like her now being the fat one? It makes me feel like she sabotaged me growing up. Not saying she did but it's like, who thinks in that twisted way? What a terrible person says that? She is lovely but who really would say something so insensitive? I AM YOUNG, I am YOUR DAUGHTER, I should be smaller than you you bloody baffooon...

And how does someone being heavier become a factor of them turning a car wheel? That's not funny, she should not be speaking because just as how someone called her fluffy, she did not like it. She is just bitter she gained weight. No matter what I weigh I'd never call another that 'fat' word, I actually only call myself fat. I don't either call people ugly, just myself. I do say that the things certain people say make them seem ugly. Always "seem" ugly because ugly should not be an adjective either.

Feeling ugly is being ugly, and because I feel ugly and the f word, I become and accept myself sadly as that.

If they see bigger humans walking, especially women, they make noises of disgust, that is absolutely disgusting. When people comment on shallow and stupid things like that about others it breeds anger in my heart and sadness because those are the things that make people like me over time just accept and believe/agree that we are 'ugly' or the f word. Because people treat us DIFFERENTLY!

Everyone is human.
My father too loves to sit and call people ugly/"wutless"-aka 'worthless in his accent'/fat/lazy etc. but he says this while sitting in front of a CPU meanwhile has no money and has to constantly beg me and others whom he does nothing but create problems/misery for funds and holds us all back.

My mother is cheap too, she complains. She has it and complains, i know everyone has their own idea of "having it" but seriously? Just a mess.

She called my sister better looking than me once when I asked her, and she swears up and down until this day probably that she didn't say it. Lie.

It's okay i don't hate her for it but oh well.

And now my sister tells me to eat something I'm so skinny, according to her, yet she was the one who'd call me an ugly fat hog growing.

And guess what? Still feel that way. These horrible things do stay, but I do my best with my therapist, if anything all she does is listen and laugh. Nothing really helpful other than occasional insight/inspiration.

Flab2Fab27

You need a journal/diary and a therapist.

Fugeela

You need a journal/diary and a therapist.

I have both, but I've been considering getting a new therapist. I have many books I write in, but I'd hope you're not being sarcastic about a journal, because quite frankly that would be the last, as I have many. Thanks for the input, sorry for being a thief of joy in your eyes, but don't be a thief of thought, I created this thread genuinely out of my current state of my life. I don't have a community other than here to discuss such matters with people that I think may or may not have been in a similar tsstate prior.

Thank you for your input, enjoy the day, hopefully it's lovely where you are. Much love!

neandermagnon

I didn't read all that (way too long) but the combination of the fact that you have suffered abuse from your father, and the fact that you hate and despise yourself so much, suggests to me that you need to talk all these issues over with a therapist, and the sooner the better. These kinds of mental health issues that come from how your father treated you are like a millstone around your neck, and a good therapist is probably the best thing that's going to help you remove that millstone and enjoy your life and reach your potential. Don't delay, because it's clear from how you talk about yourself that you're not at all happy, and how you've been treated in the past is probably the root of all of these issues that you've described. If you've been in therapy and found it's not working well, then try with a different therapists or discuss other possible approaches with your current therapist. If you have to pay for a private therapist to get someone who can really help you, then do that, because you can't put a price on good mental health (I've recovered from bad mental health, and believe me, there is no price you can put on it). The sooner you can remove that millstone, the better, and while it's good to get general support from other people (friends, online and offline) they don't have the training or qualifications to help you to remove it. You deserve so much better than this and you deserve to be free to live your life without all this bad stuff dragging you down.

cholepapi

Wow. Thanks for sharing. This is what I understood from what you wrote. You don't like to take advice or criticism from your family because they are hypocrites to you. But have you ever tried to understand what happened in their life that molded them like that? You put them down for being so negative but don't you see that your turning as negative as they are? Then, you are no different unless you walk away from the negative filters that you allow to consume you. No one is perfect in this world. No matter what you do people will always have positive or negative things to say to you. The trick is to keep the positive, learn from constructive criticism and ignore plain negatives. Be happy for you in a positive way and stop being as you negative family members. Focus on you and only you and tune out the rest, just like your music. This in no way is to insult you but guidance.

12by311

Alllllright. I'll say it……..

You sound entitled. Your parents don't owe you anything. Sorry. You are 21. You are grown. They don't have to help you. You don't go to school by choice. You say you can pay your own way yet say they are holding you back and you need to focus on your music and art.

So…it's time to move out and move on. Give the (legit) starving and tortured artist life a whirl.

pleasepleaseno

A lot of people on here are being complete asshats to you, i'm sorry. I understand all these feelings, and there are lots of people who do. The spiraling, or "tentacle" thinking...completely overwhelming. Honestly what best helped me with this stuff was CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). It is helping me get over a 6 year eating disorder and I hope it can help you, provided you give it a shot.

mlove351

Hi Fugeela...

I read your post and just had to stop and said I would not comment and that was about an hour ago... but after reading you were still in my thoughts... so what I am going to say is not to judge you at all or pity for you. but to hopefully make you reflect..

You need to look in the mirror and love you - physically and spiritually. You are NOT defined by how you look but how you love your self and connect to others. When you love your self you will let go of the negative energy that is holding you in this state. When you love your self you will only attract ppl that will love and appreciate you for who you are. You criticizing yourself in that matter is you defining you physically and spiritually. You must realize when you say those things about how you look, you believe that and you become a prisoner of this perception you have of yourself. Which in turn reslults in you not moving forward- mentally and physically.

If you want to loose weight you can do it.Believe in yourself first and love you. Your mind is powerful but your thoughts can hold yourself back when you think that way. Remember, changing your physical attributes does not make you happy or a better person - so you need to find out WHY I WANT TO LOOSE WEIGHT. Dont fall a victim to society in thinking a size 2 or 4 is beautiful that is pure ego. Physical beauty does not last. Change your ways of thinking, and strive to be healthy in terms of eating healthier, measuring your success with endurance by jogging or 5k or triathlon.

Look in the mirror and appreciate you. First recognize your beauty- write at least 5 things physically you like about your self and 5 things that makes you a good person on a post it- and post them on the mirror. Then every day read those post its in the morning and evening-Positive Thinking change the way you think of yourself. Create positive energy and release yourself of your self hate. Trust me when you do, you will attract the right ppl to help with your goals.

Think ' I want to make my body stronger and love my self even more by for doing it'

Best of luck love