Failing Marriage

cdub78

So my husband and I have been together for almost 20 years. We are turning 36 this summer so do the math and you will see we were a mere 16 when we started dating. WE have been married for 11 years and have a 15 year old son together. For the past 12 years or so when he gets angry at me he calls me fat *kitten* or tubby, chunky, thick girl, etc. I am not fat by any means! I was 120 pounds at 16 and I am 5'8" tall so i looked anorexic back then. Well I have become a woman and now have curves and about 50 extra pounds from that time. We got into a really bad argument on the anniversary date of my mothers death back in February. He was just really mean and disrespectful to me and I decided enough is enough and moved out of the house for about a week or so. Came back hoping that would make him see i cannot tolerate it anymore. in the meantime a guy i work with started showing me lots of positive attention and I was caught having lunch with him and I kissed him in the parking lot and my husbands friend witnessed it. Needless to say he came home in a fit of rage and kicked me out of the house. I have not been at my home since April 13th. He's been begging me to go back home and telling me all the nice things i have been wanting to hear. We are both in separate counseling and it's making him realize just how bad he was to me. Problem is now that i have been away i feel more relaxed and confident than i ever did living with him. This past weekend we were at a friends for fireworks and he drank to excess and got jealous when i wasn't paying enough attention to him and he pulled my ponytail dragging me down on the couch. My friend i live with kicked him out at that point and on the way out the door he smacked me on my butt really hard and flipped me the double bird. Only to come back begging for forgiveness at 8 am the very next morning. i am so tired of giving chance after chance after chance. 20 years is a long time to just throw all away but i am not convinced he will ever change and treat me the way i deserve. Has anyone else ended a long relationship? What am i to expect?

jnichel

I would think the answer is obvious. Sure, ending it won't be easy, but you'll be better off.

ew_david

I was with mine for 12 years. When he put his hands on me in a way I swore no man ever would was the day it was over. The last 20 years happened. They would have happened with or without him, so you have to decide if you want the next 20, 40, 60, etc to be the same.

sweetcurlz67

yes. I had a divorce after 22 years of marriage 2 1/2 years ago. no it's not easy but it was truly for the best, sounds like it would be the best decision for you as well. I'm 47 now, single/divorced and getting out into the dating world. but trust me, it was the BEST decision and I wish it was done years sooner but we can't turn back time!

Kitten2629

I'm sorry to hear this and wish you nothing but the best.

DBoone85

GTFO of that relationship.

Mikkimeow

I ended my marriage after a physical dispute. We were only together three years, but yeah it was difficult. You have to move on, not only for yourself, but for your 15 year old. You don't want your kid thinking that is normal. No one should ever put their hands on you and expect your forgiveness. You don't owe him anything. Leave this guy for good and find your worth.

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MomTo3Lovez

I have been there. Was in an abusive marriage for 10 long years and I have been going through a divirce for the past year. It's really not worth staying trust me, the only 2 good things that came out of that marriage were my daughter and son. But my oldest and our oldest witnessed a lot in the 6 years prior to when we split. And it has been the best decision I ever made.

The one thing that I keep saying is I don't want my daughters ending up with someone like that and I don't want my son to be that type of abuser. And honestly I haven't been this happy in a really long time, it's nice not having to walk around on eggshells. Good luck and feel free to add me if you like.

PRMinx

We get one life to live and it could be gone at any moment. Nothing is ever perfect, but there's no reason to be miserable. Don't let other people steal your happy. It will be hard at first, but you can get through it. It will be worth it in the end.

seltzermint555

No offense, but he sounds pretty violent and gross. You sound too smart for that.

I got a divorce after 10 years with my ex husband. It was amicable and nothing like your situation, but it was still one of the best decisions I have made.

I truly do wish you the best!

Guns_N_Buns

GTFO of that relationship.

This. The guy clearly needs more than counseling. He has some issues. You've wasted enough of your prime time on him. Get out and find you a chivalrous DILF.

JTick

I never get into these threads, and only in extreme circumstances would I advocate divorce, but get out of there. My best friend was almost killed from hanging in there with a guy like this too long...he "played dirty" for a while, and then snapped and she barely made it out alive.

odusgolp

I refuse to give advice on a 20 year relationship we know very little about, and only one side of.

That being said, make sure what you decide is best for you, your child, and your husband. Shockingly, you can figure out a way for everyone to remain cordial... maybe even happy. Or, you can figure out a way to make it ugly, abusive, and downright hateful. I recommend the former.

Alisontheice

I'm divorced, ya it's a tough choice to make to finally end it but I decided after I left idiot I decided it was better to be alone than unhappily married.

I vote to move on

jasonmh630

Once he starts to get physical with you (pulling you down by your ponytail), it's time to make a full stop and get out while you can. I know that's hard advice to hear, but ask any woman that's been in a physically/emotionally abusive relationship. They will tell you the same thing and that getting out was the best decision they've ever made.

Just hold your head up and stand your ground. Put him in his place when he lashes out verbally.

Best of luck to you! :flowerforyou:

BootCampC

You will never live it down even if it was somewhat innocent ,but not really, you strayed because you were unhappy .
a- get back with him and be taunted about what you did and never really be trusted or happy
b- move on , be friends and find happiness with a new start

Myhaloslipped

I can only speak from my own experience and that of several of my girlfriends, but I have found that once the physical abuse starts, it only gets worse from there. There be may be a million apologies and promises to change, but it doesn't typically get better. You know your man better than I do, but it sounds like this needs to be over. I am so sorry. I know it hurts like hell and isn't easy.

acorsaut89

Here's my experience, and take it with a grain of salt because I know everyone is different.

My SO and I have been together for 5 years - I know it's not 20 but hear me out.

We met when I was 19 and in university. Everything was great for quite some time until all of a sudden, it wasn't. Even looking back now I can't see where it went wrong other than it was like one day it was over.

We were fighting all the time and he was treating me like crap (turns out he had a lot of growing up to do) and I just said one day that I do love him but love isn't always enough and love isn't going to change the things he said or did - and it never will. This isn't the kind of person I want to spend my life - the only life I get - with. So I ended it - I said I've had enough.

We spent about 8 months apart . . . . during that time I started going to the gym and doing things for me: I dropped a lot of weight, finished grad school, got my first big girl job, went on a couple trips with my friends and family, and was generally happier. One day, he contacted me and said he knows I don't want to hear from him again but he would like even just an hour of my time to apologize and read or give me the letter he wrote. See, he went to anger management because he needed to figure out how to deal with his anger problems - one of the reasons I ended it. Part of the program was to apologize and make amends, where possible - similar to AA. He never, ever hit me though.

So we met up one night, he explained, gave me the letter and we talked. I went home and I read the letter - I read it every day for a week, two weeks, I still read it. He said he wasn't ready to give up on us, even though he and I both made a lot of mistakes. I realized that the time apart was good, for us at least. I wasn't ready to give him up either - forgetting about him made it a little easier though. We both dated a bit in those months apart but nothing was ever the same. We got back together and it's still work, daily sometimes, to be happy. Our biggest problem is communication - and being stubborn lol.

So I am not saying stay with him, but maybe he needs help to figure out his issues. My SO had to do it on his own - I had to leave for him to think oh man, I better get my *kitten* together. He needed to do it for himself - he did it without the gaurantee that I'd ever even be with him again. He wanted better for himself and that's the biggest part. Our relationship now is not perfect - far from it. But I can say we are genuinely happy and we work on things - or try to at least - now. I am so bad at talking during an argument, I just shut down and say I don't want to talk about it lol. He makes me happy and he always did - it was just the anger that needs to be dealt with.

He still goes to his program and we have even done a couples counseling session once or twice. It takes work, but for me it's worth it. You have to decide if this is really what you want for your life. He is what I want, and our love is what I will fight for.

If he's only going to get help to keep you, then it's not real and it won't last. Love is worth fighting for - it adds so much to our lives but then again when in an abusive or unhappy relationship, it isn't always going to end up being worth it. Love complicates so many things sometimes.

Anyways, that's my experience and I'm not saying it will be the answer for everyone but it is something to learn from I think.

Best of luck to you

wolverine66

time put into something is never a good reason to keep it: "20 years is a lot..."


he's abusive verbally, and physically. and you cheated on him. This is not the formula for a long, successful relationship.


but all i know is all you have told us, and i would say that from that, it's best that you go and do what you can for your child.

Guns_N_Buns

Did you read about the cop in Salt Lake City? I'm just sayin'...don't let his animosity build by making idle threats. Get out quick and easy for both you and your son's safety.

AsaThorsWoman

I've dated a guy who went through the same thing your son is.

He would become abusive, and when I told him I'm not going to put up with abuse, he would say "It's not abuse until I **insert heinous thing ex-step-dad did here**"

His mother had three boys. One is chronically unemployed and living on welfare, one is a drug dealer and constantly in and out of jail (even with some domestic violence charges), and the third is decent but always broke for paying his fines from drug court.

I honestly am beyond angry with his mother for never raising them right. All three of them are screwed.

None of them deserved that, and she could have left at any time and chose not too, chose to raise abusive boys.

Your boy is watching and will model his behavior based off of what he is seeing.

You may not tell him "this is right, this is wrong" but he is learning from watching you.

Unfortunately, your boy is pretty much a man at this point, the damage could already be done, but if I were in your shoes I'd take that last three years (if you got them, kids don't necessarily leave at 18, especially in abusive situations) and do everything you possibly can to show him that what he witnessed was not OK.

UsedToBeHusky

Your post makes me very sad. I really wish he could grow up. I wish you all the best though. You are still young. You have lots of life left to enjoy!

I'm the same age as you, but I never had a relationship last that long that was that abusive. I will suggest that you might want to wait to start dating for awhile. You are used to having someone in your life. You are going to miss that. You need to get to a point where you make yourself feel happy before moving on to someone else. You don't want to find yourself in a similar relationship just because you wanted to fill the void left behind.

Kimdbro

Problem is now that i have been away i feel more relaxed and confident than i ever did living with him. This past weekend we were at a friends for fireworks and he drank to excess and got jealous when i wasn't paying enough attention to him and he pulled my ponytail dragging me down on the couch. My friend i live with kicked him out at that point and on the way out the door he smacked me on my butt really hard and flipped me the double bird. Only to come back begging for forgiveness at 8 am the very next morning. i am so tired of giving chance after chance after chance. 20 years is a long time to just throw all away but i am not convinced he will ever change and treat me the way i deserve. Has anyone else ended a long relationship? What am i to expect?

To answer your question bluntly... You can expect to NOT be called fat, to NOT be pulled by the ponytail, to NOT be smacked and given the double bird. That is to say, unless you find yourself with another "gem" of a man. You can expect to continue to feel "more relaxed and confident".

Pirate_chick

Girl, leave. Why be miserable?

MinnieInMaine

If you had a good friend say all of that to you, what would you say?

While none of us know you or your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband...with what you wrote, I think you should be glad you decided to separate and would advise you to follow through with the divorce asap. Sure it's hard to let go of the past but do you really want to spend the next 20 years or more with this guy? He can say he's sorry all he wants - talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words, and all that. If he really cared about you, he wouldn't treat you like that. First the verbal/emotional abuse, and now it's getting physical. No bueno.

You should also be talking about this with your counselor.

Good luck...it's not going to be easy, but it'll be worth it.

Holly_Roman_Empire

I am not the type to ever say "get a divorce." But in this case, get the freaking divorce.

skullshank

obvious answer is obvious.

you need to get out of that relationship for good.

its not healthy for any of you.

do your family a solid and walk away.

AusAshMommy

Sounds like you've made your decision, seems to me you've decided to end it.

Good Luck, continue w/the counseling and like many others have said, do what's best for you and your son.

whovian67

Dont look back.. there is nothing in the past for you. It's like a grieving process but you will feel so much better 6 months from now...

Unknown

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