Failing Marriage

_John_

Well, I'm going to follow the man haters in this one for the rest of my workday. Dont get too awesome without me here.

greentart

Only you know what's best for you. Just re-read what you wrote. You mentioned that you were more comfortable and relaxed without him. He talks down to you. He's aggressive and violent.

A few questions: Have you tried marriage counseling? Does your 15 year old deserve to grow up in that environment? But most importantly, do you WANT to stay with him? If so, what are your reasons?

UsedToBeHusky

Hey everybody,

The OP has already moved out. It's obvious from her post that this is already over. She is looking for advice and tips on how to move on with her life.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

You're not throwing the last 20 years away, you're investing in the next 20 years. There are always two sides to any story, but if he's calling your names in touching you in ways that are hurtful and unwanted, he has no valid excuse.

If he's never, ever been like this before, I suppose you could suggest a full medical work up. I know two people with brain tumors that experienced dramatic personality changes. Only you know if its slowly been building to this or if he's actually acting out of character. It seem though, if you feel relief since leaving, underlying issues have been there all along.

Atrocity108

This is a heavy subject with no easy answer. If you think that he has changed and it will be better, then try to make it work. Take it really slow. Maybe just a few dates. I am always in favor of trying to work things out.

However, if he is abusive and wont treat you like you need to be treated, then dont go back.

Trust yourself and do what you want.

gregp2012

Did you read about the cop in Salt Lake City? I'm just sayin'...don't let his animosity build by making idle threats. Get out quick and easy for both you and your son's safety.

^^^this^^

cdub78

The mental and verbal abuse has been going on for years. I in fact remember the very first time he called me a fat *kitten*, i kicked him right in his nuts as he was pushing me backwards on our bed. Yep turned those nuggets black and blue. you would think that would make him NEVER say that again. Instead it was like giving him more fuel for the fire and he knew it was a sensitive subject for me. The next day we went to Cedar Point and he had to walk and stand in lines and ride rides in pain all day. He just doesn't learn. I am not saying I am the perfect wife either. But I try and I have NEVER made fun of his physical flaws as I know how bad that feels. I'm learning through therapy that I am what is called Codependent. I am too caring of others and how they feel and think and not enough about how I feel or think. I am a people pleaser and try to be perfect and when things don't go right I tend to get angry and resentful.

EmpireBusiness

In for digits.

tristan299

don't know how any of you can make a informed call on this when;

1 you have half a story
2 the story you have tells of one point of the evening
3 What went on before he got in a mood with the lady
4 why did he get drunk
5 you more than likely don't know this lady and her husband

Did any of you think this lady (no offence love, just playing devils advocate)may just be looking to bail out of a relationship she admitted was she has been in since she was 16. Possibly time for a change of meat? Just a thought, not an opinion

Whatever you decide to do lady I hope it works out for the best for you and your husband.

rebeccaplatt21

They would have happened with or without him, so you have to decide if you want the next 20, 40, 60, etc to be the same.

THIS!!!!!^^^^^^

acidosaur

GTFO of that relationship.

This. The guy clearly needs more than counseling. He has some issues. You've wasted enough of your prime time on him. Get out and find you a chivalrous DILF.

Agreed. The signs of physical abuse emerging are a massive warning bell.

odusgolp

The mental and verbal abuse has been going on for years. I in fact remember the very first time he called me a fat *kitten*, i kicked him right in his nuts as he was pushing me backwards on our bed. Yep turned those nuggets black and blue. you would think that would make him NEVER say that again. Instead it was like giving him more fuel for the fire and he knew it was a sensitive subject for me. The next day we went to Cedar Point and he had to walk and stand in lines and ride rides in pain all day. He just doesn't learn. I am not saying I am the perfect wife either. But I try and I have NEVER made fun of his physical flaws as I know how bad that feels. I'm learning through therapy that I am what is called Codependent. I am too caring of others and how they feel and think and not enough about how I feel or think. I am a people pleaser and try to be perfect and when things don't go right I tend to get angry and resentful.

He pushes, she kicks his nuts until black and blue, he pulls a ponytail, she makes out with some other guy in front of husband's friend...



Yeah... way too much to the story and the last 20 years for anyone to give valuable advice. Figure it out on your own, or with your counselor.

ShannonS921

I was in a similar situation...started dating at 14 years old, married at 18. Unfortunately, he starting abusing me in a multitude of ways when I was only 15...I stayed for a million wrong reasons. He was always the perfect boyfriend/husband in front of other people...and then one day about a year and a half into the marriage, he hit me in front of one of his friends...I was more ashamed and humiliated than I ever thought I could be. What really did it for me was when his buddy made excuses for him...and I saw what I had become. Thankfully, we never had children and it was a bit easier for me to leave....but, ask yourself this: is your husband the type of man you want your son to grow up to be?

Good luck...it's not an easy decision to make, but it's one you're going to have to make and live with....choose wisely.

yo_andi

Beyond the glimpses of physical violence, him giving you the finger speaks volumes about his disrespect for you. Get out, dear girl. Get out.

Flab2Fab27

I refuse to give advice on a 20 year relationship we know very little about, and only one side of.

That being said, make sure what you decide is best for you, your child, and your husband. Shockingly, you can figure out a way for everyone to remain cordial... maybe even happy. Or, you can figure out a way to make it ugly, abusive, and downright hateful. I recommend the former.

This!!! If you're already seeing a counselor, bring these questions & thoughts to them as opposed to airing your personal life on the internet.

gypsy_spirit

There are certain things that mean a relationship will not work. One of them is domestic violence. Good that both of you are in counseling - hopefully things will get better (probably not together).

My one word of advice: Until this relationship is completely resolved - do not get involved with someone else. You are not ready. You are vulnerable from living with an emotionally abusive man. Take some time to figure out who you are. Jumping out of the fire into the frying pan NEVER works. I'll say that again. It NEVER works. You will never build a new life on top of someone else's misery. Resolve the first relationship and then make your new decisions.


Best of luck.

Holly_Roman_Empire

don't know how any of you can make a informed call on this when;

1 you have half a story
2 the story you have tells of one point of the evening
3 What went on before he got in a mood with the lady
4 why did he get drunk
5 you more than likely don't know this lady and her husband

Did any of you think this lady (no offence love, just playing devils advocate)may just be looking to bail out of a relationship she admitted was she has been in since she was 16. Possibly time for a change of meat? Just a thought, not an opinion

Whatever you decide to do lady I hope it works out for the best for you and your husband.

Even if the husband is innocent or is only being provoked by the wife, it's clear that they aren't compatible anymore. And even if she was cheating on him or calling him names, there really is no reason to lash out physically. Just call it quits and move on.

YoungIronG

sounds like mental abuse.

and you did cheat on him.

you dont want to yo-yo your diet
dont yo-yo with your life/spouse/happiness/safety/....

joakool

Bumping for later. Unfortunately, a lot of your story sounds like my current situation and I would like to read the responses here.

tristan299

don't know how any of you can make a informed call on this when;

1 you have half a story
2 the story you have tells of one point of the evening
3 What went on before he got in a mood with the lady
4 why did he get drunk
5 you more than likely don't know this lady and her husband

Did any of you think this lady (no offence love, just playing devils advocate)may just be looking to bail out of a relationship she admitted was she has been in since she was 16. Possibly time for a change of meat? Just a thought, not an opinion

Whatever you decide to do lady I hope it works out for the best for you and your husband.

Even if the husband is innocent or is only being provoked by the wife, it's clear that they aren't compatible anymore. And even if she was cheating on him or calling him names, there really is no reason to lash out physically. Just call it quits and move on.

How do you know he hit her, because she said on a web forum. Please!

mommyrunning

You said you have a 15 year old son. If you stay with your husband you are teaching your son that it is okay for a man to treat a woman like that and he may follow in his father's footsteps. I survived an abusive relationship for about 5 years. It started with a push and at the end he threatened to kill me and locked me in a basement. I always found ways to blame myself. (If I was prettier, sexier, a better cook, more fun, etc) I hid things from my loved ones because I didn't want them to think badly of him. I kept thinking if I somehow was better he would be better to me. But I wasn't the problem he was. When people would say leave I would think if I just gave it one more try and it worked then all the bad times wouldn't be for nothing. Once someone puts their hands on you and you take them back you are telling them with your actions that it is okay. Leaving and starting over is hard but once you've had some time away from it you will probably come to find it was one of the best things you could do. At first you may be sad at the loss of the relationship, then mad at yourself for putting up with it, then mad at him, then you accept it and move on. Make a plan. If you haven't already figured out where you will live long term and how you'll support you and your son that's a good place to start. Then just take it one day at a time. After I left I joined the Air Force and learned that it wasn't all for nothing. It made me stronger and contributed to who I am today. I am now married to a wonderful man who would never lay a hand on me and who knows how to disagree without being hurtful and mean. I wish you the best.

jackpotclown

The mental and verbal abuse has been going on for years. I in fact remember the very first time he called me a fat *kitten*, i kicked him right in his nuts as he was pushing me backwards on our bed. Yep turned those nuggets black and blue. you would think that would make him NEVER say that again. Instead it was like giving him more fuel for the fire and he knew it was a sensitive subject for me. The next day we went to Cedar Point and he had to walk and stand in lines and ride rides in pain all day. He just doesn't learn. I am not saying I am the perfect wife either. But I try and I have NEVER made fun of his physical flaws as I know how bad that feels. I'm learning through therapy that I am what is called Codependent. I am too caring of others and how they feel and think and not enough about how I feel or think. I am a people pleaser and try to be perfect and when things don't go right I tend to get angry and resentful.

He pushes, she kicks his nuts until black and blue, he pulls a ponytail, she makes out with some other guy in front of husband's friend...



Yeah... way too much to the story and the last 20 years for anyone to give valuable advice. Figure it out on your own, or with your counselor.

This^

Also, marriage is what you make of it.....yours would make a great Jerry Springer show \m/

H_Factor

Its WAY better to be single than to remain in a toxic relationship. I was married for 10 years (together for 13 years). We had two kids together and I did not want to break up the family. But things got real toxic and I was miserable for a while. At some point after I accepted that the marriage/relationship was over and moved on, I found peace. Being single and at peace has been so much better than the toxic crap I went through at the end of the marriage/relationship. Once I accepted that the relationship was over and moved on, there hasn't been a single day where I wanted to be back with her. Kids have adjusted fine because we have kept the adult stuff between adults and not involved the kids more than they needed to be involved.

mommyrunning

don't know how any of you can make a informed call on this when;

1 you have half a story
2 the story you have tells of one point of the evening
3 What went on before he got in a mood with the lady
4 why did he get drunk
5 you more than likely don't know this lady and her husband

Did any of you think this lady (no offence love, just playing devils advocate)may just be looking to bail out of a relationship she admitted was she has been in since she was 16. Possibly time for a change of meat? Just a thought, not an opinion

Whatever you decide to do lady I hope it works out for the best for you and your husband.

Yes there's 2 sides to each story but once there's physical fighting it's time to walk away for both people.

cdub78

Ha ha! My friend is calling me Jerry Springer right now actually!

Vortex_ConQueso

Real men don't strike women.

cdub78

He has hit me before. a punch in the arm or leg here or there. I think he knows better than to get too physical with me as I am not a little girl and I know how to fight. I am a black belt (not in practice anymore but just like riding a bike you never forget!) I was raised to only fight back if you fear for your life, other than that just walk away. there have been many times he verbally assaulted me and called me names and I just walk away and go cry somewhere like a wimp. It just hurts so bad. He's my best friend and we have been through a lot together, we grew up together and the thought of him not in my life kills me. But I cannot keep being treated this way and keep my sanity!

Holly_Roman_Empire

don't know how any of you can make a informed call on this when;

1 you have half a story
2 the story you have tells of one point of the evening
3 What went on before he got in a mood with the lady
4 why did he get drunk
5 you more than likely don't know this lady and her husband

Did any of you think this lady (no offence love, just playing devils advocate)may just be looking to bail out of a relationship she admitted was she has been in since she was 16. Possibly time for a change of meat? Just a thought, not an opinion

Whatever you decide to do lady I hope it works out for the best for you and your husband.

Even if the husband is innocent or is only being provoked by the wife, it's clear that they aren't compatible anymore. And even if she was cheating on him or calling him names, there really is no reason to lash out physically. Just call it quits and move on.

How do you know he hit her, because she said on a web forum. Please!

I don't, but you're missing the point.

If she is so disgusted with him that she could possibly make up stories about him abusing her, then they aren't compatible. If the story was completely opposite and she was the one abusing him, I'd still say they aren't compatible.

If the situation is so serious that she wants to start a thread asking how to start over, then they aren't compatible.

pookeyism

take out everything in your statement that is emotionally charged, etc. you leave facts : It is not getting better, he has physically hurt you, he has been verbally abusive for over a decade.

It really needs to end.

So much love for you, I truly hope this works out, with you safe and unharmed. Take very constant care with your child's feelings and take him with you. His main influence should not be abuse and drinking.

wheird

Real men don't strike women.

Real women dont injure a man's sexual organs.