Failing Marriage

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  • AsaThorsWoman
    AsaThorsWoman Posts: 2,303 Member
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    I've dated a guy who went through the same thing your son is.

    He would become abusive, and when I told him I'm not going to put up with abuse, he would say "It's not abuse until I **insert heinous thing ex-step-dad did here**"

    His mother had three boys. One is chronically unemployed and living on welfare, one is a drug dealer and constantly in and out of jail (even with some domestic violence charges), and the third is decent but always broke for paying his fines from drug court.

    I honestly am beyond angry with his mother for never raising them right. All three of them are screwed.

    None of them deserved that, and she could have left at any time and chose not too, chose to raise abusive boys.

    Your boy is watching and will model his behavior based off of what he is seeing.

    You may not tell him "this is right, this is wrong" but he is learning from watching you.

    Unfortunately, your boy is pretty much a man at this point, the damage could already be done, but if I were in your shoes I'd take that last three years (if you got them, kids don't necessarily leave at 18, especially in abusive situations) and do everything you possibly can to show him that what he witnessed was not OK.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Your post makes me very sad. I really wish he could grow up. I wish you all the best though. You are still young. You have lots of life left to enjoy!

    I'm the same age as you, but I never had a relationship last that long that was that abusive. I will suggest that you might want to wait to start dating for awhile. You are used to having someone in your life. You are going to miss that. You need to get to a point where you make yourself feel happy before moving on to someone else. You don't want to find yourself in a similar relationship just because you wanted to fill the void left behind.
  • Kimdbro
    Kimdbro Posts: 922 Member
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    Problem is now that i have been away i feel more relaxed and confident than i ever did living with him. This past weekend we were at a friends for fireworks and he drank to excess and got jealous when i wasn't paying enough attention to him and he pulled my ponytail dragging me down on the couch. My friend i live with kicked him out at that point and on the way out the door he smacked me on my butt really hard and flipped me the double bird. Only to come back begging for forgiveness at 8 am the very next morning. i am so tired of giving chance after chance after chance. 20 years is a long time to just throw all away but i am not convinced he will ever change and treat me the way i deserve. Has anyone else ended a long relationship? What am i to expect?

    To answer your question bluntly... You can expect to NOT be called fat, to NOT be pulled by the ponytail, to NOT be smacked and given the double bird. That is to say, unless you find yourself with another "gem" of a man. You can expect to continue to feel "more relaxed and confident".
  • Pirate_chick
    Pirate_chick Posts: 1,216 Member
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    Girl, leave. Why be miserable?
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
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    If you had a good friend say all of that to you, what would you say?

    While none of us know you or your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband...with what you wrote, I think you should be glad you decided to separate and would advise you to follow through with the divorce asap. Sure it's hard to let go of the past but do you really want to spend the next 20 years or more with this guy? He can say he's sorry all he wants - talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words, and all that. If he really cared about you, he wouldn't treat you like that. First the verbal/emotional abuse, and now it's getting physical. No bueno.

    You should also be talking about this with your counselor.

    Good luck...it's not going to be easy, but it'll be worth it.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
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    I am not the type to ever say "get a divorce." But in this case, get the freaking divorce.
  • skullshank
    skullshank Posts: 4,323 Member
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    obvious answer is obvious.

    you need to get out of that relationship for good.

    its not healthy for any of you.

    do your family a solid and walk away.
  • AusAshMommy
    AusAshMommy Posts: 845 Member
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    Sounds like you've made your decision, seems to me you've decided to end it.

    Good Luck, continue w/the counseling and like many others have said, do what's best for you and your son.
  • whovian67
    whovian67 Posts: 608 Member
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    Dont look back.. there is nothing in the past for you. It's like a grieving process but you will feel so much better 6 months from now...
  • _John_
    _John_ Posts: 8,641 Member
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    Well, I'm going to follow the man haters in this one for the rest of my workday. Dont get too awesome without me here.
  • greentart
    greentart Posts: 411 Member
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    Only you know what's best for you. Just re-read what you wrote. You mentioned that you were more comfortable and relaxed without him. He talks down to you. He's aggressive and violent.

    A few questions: Have you tried marriage counseling? Does your 15 year old deserve to grow up in that environment? But most importantly, do you WANT to stay with him? If so, what are your reasons?
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Hey everybody,

    The OP has already moved out. It's obvious from her post that this is already over. She is looking for advice and tips on how to move on with her life.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    You're not throwing the last 20 years away, you're investing in the next 20 years. There are always two sides to any story, but if he's calling your names in touching you in ways that are hurtful and unwanted, he has no valid excuse.

    If he's never, ever been like this before, I suppose you could suggest a full medical work up. I know two people with brain tumors that experienced dramatic personality changes. Only you know if its slowly been building to this or if he's actually acting out of character. It seem though, if you feel relief since leaving, underlying issues have been there all along.
  • Atrocity108
    Atrocity108 Posts: 328 Member
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    This is a heavy subject with no easy answer. If you think that he has changed and it will be better, then try to make it work. Take it really slow. Maybe just a few dates. I am always in favor of trying to work things out.

    However, if he is abusive and wont treat you like you need to be treated, then dont go back.

    Trust yourself and do what you want.
  • gregp2012
    gregp2012 Posts: 26 Member
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    Did you read about the cop in Salt Lake City? I'm just sayin'...don't let his animosity build by making idle threats. Get out quick and easy for both you and your son's safety.
    ^^^this^^
  • cdub78
    cdub78 Posts: 88 Member
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    The mental and verbal abuse has been going on for years. I in fact remember the very first time he called me a fat *kitten*, i kicked him right in his nuts as he was pushing me backwards on our bed. Yep turned those nuggets black and blue. you would think that would make him NEVER say that again. Instead it was like giving him more fuel for the fire and he knew it was a sensitive subject for me. The next day we went to Cedar Point and he had to walk and stand in lines and ride rides in pain all day. He just doesn't learn. I am not saying I am the perfect wife either. But I try and I have NEVER made fun of his physical flaws as I know how bad that feels. I'm learning through therapy that I am what is called Codependent. I am too caring of others and how they feel and think and not enough about how I feel or think. I am a people pleaser and try to be perfect and when things don't go right I tend to get angry and resentful.
  • EmpireBusiness
    EmpireBusiness Posts: 333 Member
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    In for digits.
  • tristan299
    tristan299 Posts: 2,537 Member
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    don't know how any of you can make a informed call on this when;

    1 you have half a story
    2 the story you have tells of one point of the evening
    3 What went on before he got in a mood with the lady
    4 why did he get drunk
    5 you more than likely don't know this lady and her husband

    Did any of you think this lady (no offence love, just playing devils advocate)may just be looking to bail out of a relationship she admitted was she has been in since she was 16. Possibly time for a change of meat? Just a thought, not an opinion

    Whatever you decide to do lady I hope it works out for the best for you and your husband.
  • rebeccaplatt21
    rebeccaplatt21 Posts: 175
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    They would have happened with or without him, so you have to decide if you want the next 20, 40, 60, etc to be the same.

    THIS!!!!!^^^^^^

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